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2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
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Review of The Domino Effect  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Jezri Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: I would have read this one for the sake of the title alone, the image conjured is of one vent cascading into a multitude of results, anyone who has seen the way dominoes topple over with just one touch would understand the immediate appeal.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning started with a bit of 'hot' gossip' and we were there to hear it. This dropped us into the thick of the action and the deft dialogue ensured that it kept rolling along.

*Flower5* The Setting: The 'break-room' was the physical setting, the friendship and office gossip was the emotional one. I'd have to say the latter was done so well, the former paled into insignificance. There was too little by comparison. Could you slip in a few references to that?

For e.g.: "“Just a few what?” A familiar voice asked. It was Brad Anders from the mail room" A couple of words about the him squeezing into the little cubicle that D,D,B,& F liked to call a break-room. He casts a disgusted glance at the chipped plastic chairs and perches one hip on the counter, where the defunct microwave resided. Maybe a snide comment that it was all meant to discourage long breaks? Whatever you want, just let us see the background as clearly as the action and the characters.

*Flower5* The Characters: This is dealt with in adequate manner, but at times I felt there were too many words. I know, I am hard to please. Well, what I mean is that the words go on about the same thing, instead of adding depth or new detail. For e.g., in the beginning:

"“Oh my gawd!” Gina Norris said, plopping herself down into the break room chair, right next to her best friend, Angela Banks. The two had been inseperable since grade school and were now working together as interns at the law offices of Dunder, Dunder, Bender and Franks." The use of 'he said' and she said' dialogue tags adds nothing to description, in this sentence try 'she exclaimed', 'she spat out', 'she ejaculated' ... anything to show the strong feeling expressed in those words.

Then, the word is 'inseparable', a glance at Spell-check will spot these.

Lastly the two are BFFs, we get that, whether they are from wayyyy back in grade school or from just two years, matters little to the story, yet, let's accept that part too. The "were now working together in the same firm as interns in etc.etc..." is boring.

Add in some detail, "they had been friends ever since eight-year old Angela had helped a younger Gina scale the walls of Old man Jenner's orchard to eat windfalls. Even now, at etc. etc., they had a buddy system as co-interns, that served to detour office politics."

Or whatever details are in your head.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The descriptions of the compromising situation were funny and graphic, yet, nothing one had not heard before. I dare not quote any of it - but it has been used before. I laugh as heartily at the fifth rendition of a joke, as the first time!

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The story moved well, it was believable, it had natural sounding dialogue. That is a lot of pluses. But, somehow the minuses end up looming large. That's unfair, but from any practiced proponent of the arts, one expects more, is satisfied with nothing but the attainable best. Take it as a compliment.

I had just one comment, if one is blackmailing someone, one would not have witnesses to that deed, would one? Yet, a smart girl like Gina (she was scathing of Fern's mental ability, remember?) uses something as easily traceable as e-mail to send the blackmail demand? Maybe you could mention that although she had attempted to hide her identity by using an alias and cyber re-routing, some smart young hacker was able to get a trace on her in x minutes flat?

*Flower5* What I liked: The title was a great one.

The story too had lots going for it, the deft dialogue, the great twist - ooops, nearly gave it away, didn't I?

It was a winner all right, it's not just that bright blue banner that said so, just that it would be sublime with some more detail and depth.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: Just one tiny hiccup. It was one smooth read, otherwise.

"Angela Bank’s hit the remote control" Angela Banks, there's no need for the apostrophe.

There was one sentence with an ending preposition - "she was the only one Larry was cheating on his wife with." But I realise I am in the minority here,many people use this kind of construction,. I just know my English teacher cracked our knuckles with a ruler for this heinous crime! *Laugh*

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1548522 Unavailable **
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Review of Eclipse  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello ~Sue~ Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such. I loved your user name, I wonder if you speak French? "Sue, here"?


*Flower5* The Title: Ah, short, terse and stark. Yet it is effective in arresting the attention and making one wonder if you are talking about the celestial event or it is a metaphor for some life event. After reading the delicate poem within I wondered why the title was not as lyrical as some of the images within, or even an echo? Yet, simple and stark often works well to contrast beauty within.

*Flower5* The Rhyme: The couplet came at the beginning, then came two quatrains, there is direct end rhyme for every pair of lines - aa bbcc ddee. The words are complete direct rhyme and do not sound forced by the requirement.

*Flower5* The Meter: If one allows that silvery is two syllables, this is impeccable tetrameter right through. I can count, most of the time, but stresses are beyond me. So if you too the trouble to add in iambic or trochaic rhythm, I am sorry. At least I know that it cannot be anapestic! (I didn't even need to take off my shoes, with hexameter that smelly exercise prohibits me from reviewing unless alone! *Bigsmile*)

*Flower5* The Imagery: Oh, this was the highlight of the piece, I do not know when I have ever read something that eulogised this, and made a delight out of what once frightened and alarmed those living in simpler times. It is too short for me to quote whole lines without giving away much of its contents. The other fear is that my favourite would be hard to pick, I would end up quoting more than half the poem! Yet let me just say that each verse brings one image to bear upon the mind's eye - the full moon, the beginning and the end of the phenomenon. Well done.


*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: If all the elements come together and make a perfect whole, there is no ONE thing to laud. I thank you for letting me gaze upon this beautiful eclipse.

*Flower5* What I liked: Your fluency in the use of all the poetic devices, remind me to come back and have a look at your other treasures.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:Nary a single hiccup, the whole was as smooth as the finest oak-matured - *err-hem family content alert* - spring water!*Laugh*



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1548522 Unavailable **
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Review of A Mother's Cry  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello ShellySunshine Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such. This is part of your auction win from HH auction, review 5 of 5. It was a pleasure to visit your port - the rest of the package will follow shortly.


*Flower5* The Title: The image in the title is something that made my heart twist in instant empathy, being a mother, I understood what was implied. Evocative, vivid, striking, it is sure to attract a t least a few to see what the write is about. The ribbon, nay banner, waving proudly blue, validates that choice.

*Flower5* The Rhyme: The eye deceives the mind, or was it the mind that deceived the eye? I expect rhyme to be present whenever lines are laid out in formal stanzas of even count. That is a 'Me' thing, I do not think stanzas are proscribed for free verse.

So my eye was racing ahead, trying to see what my mind told it was there - but it wasn't. A faint feeling of disappointment was washed way as the depth of emotion burst upon me.

*Flower5* The Meter: Why don't I just skip this one, I just went all ga-ga over the meaning and you seriously expect me to count syllables, no way! Also, it is obvious that there is no attempt to even keep to a line length, leave alone count.

*Flower5* The Impression: This is the part that spoke to me, the place where it stopped being a writing and became a communication. this is a wise mother speaking, one who has struggled long and is yet not tired or despairing, she may hurt and grieve, but she does not give up. She will also not let her child see that grief for fear it may impede his progress. Sometimes, even though it is the hardest thing to do, she will give the required 'stepping back' in space, but she will hover just out of his perception, waiting to rush in if required.

The emotions came through with perfect clarity. I found myself clenching my teeth with sympathy at times, at others I felt the pride and fulfillment of being a mother flood my heart. Well done. *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* The Imagery: I liked the repeat of image in the beginning and ending stanzas, the slight change reversed the image and yet the meaning remained the same. Another *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: *Thumbsup* *Left* One picture is worth a thousand words - thank god or else this review would have meandered on for ages! *Bigsmile*

*Flower5* What I liked: I cannot single out one thing to laud, the whole was a read that left this lasting and poignant image in my mind, one that will linger.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1548522 Unavailable **
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Review of Pigeon Parade  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Harry Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: It was vivid and evocative, it told us what to expect: something about bird watching, certainly. Something eulogistic, perhaps. Something unusual, beyond doubt. The alliteration did it no harm.

*Flower5* The Form: What is the difference between free verse and lyrical prose? I am often confused. Whilst experts maintain that there is often cadence, if not meter, in free verse, to me it seems that free verse 'flows', the thoughts are expressed not in neat sentences or paragraphs, but as images are, one snap-shot replacing another. In the end it matters little, poetic prose and free verse are equally appealing.

*Flower5* The Impression: Oh, this is superb. The initial images are of a symbiotic relationship, between bird feeder and watcher and the performers who 'sing for their supper' much like little Tommy Tucker!
Then comes the Problem, impending Modernization and the Concrete Jungle. There is the Conflict of Vanishing Wildlife and taking over by the Urban Counterpart, street-smart and just that little less colourful. The Resolution comes at the end, when the usurpers take their place in the watcher's heart - a love affair that is unlikely to end soon.

A story in poem form. In my book, at least.

*Flower5* What I liked: I live in a three-storied but colonial-style building, the kind with overhangs and cornices and other pigeon havens. I have watched these plump birds clambering through window grills, squeezing their portly grey-suited bodies into the gaps like respectable businessmen trying to evade the tax-collector. They give me hours of watching joy. This piece 'spoke' to me.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1548522 Unavailable **
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello JudyB Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such. You are one of the Simply Positive Reviewees for the week and I am proud to honour you as such.


*Flower5* The Title: Is it possible for something to attract and yet be just ordinary? I think this achieved that paradoxical effect. The subject matter was appealing, like some of the essays set by my English teacher in my far-off school days. But to then use the topic as the title of my essay would be to throw away an opportunity to impress with my word skills. The title could come in the intro, the intro could be a link within the item, after the read, a foot-note of information. The title can then take on any form it wishes, striking, unusual, shocking, lyrical, poetic ... the possibilities are infinite.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Even letters have beginnings, and I speak not of mere salutations. Of course those are important too: "My own precious dream rabbit" might appeal more than a terse, formal "Dear Jane"! *Laugh* I know that the tone is created in this beginning, a light chatty tone. Although the content is like a eulogy and lauds the one to whom it is written, the style is informal.

*Flower5* The Impression: It is rather short, it is over just after the beginning. Is that all you had to say? I know many loved ones who would be hurt with anything less than 13 pages full of exclamation marks and after-thoughts in postscripts. Or has the art of letter writing been lost in today's IMs and SMSs?

The feeling to be conveyed, the need to do so, seems less real because of the brevity. Imagine a love letter like this. Even my letters to my pen-friends were longer. Some anecdotal information, about how the soul complemented the mind or rescued it, would be effective.

I even wondered what it would be like if you took this a step further - either lauded all the parts of you - The Mind, the Body, the Soul, the Id, the Inner Child, the Muse etc. etc.? Or even a series of these short notes, from each to another, like a chain?

*Flower5* What I liked: In these busy times one rarely stops to thank those who have left a lasting impression upon us, this effort to stop and do just that makes me pause and think about counting my own blessings.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"makes me the one who's mind races at all hours of the night" That should be 'whose mind', the words 'who is' are contracted to form who's.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1548522 Unavailable **
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Review of Dear God  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Wyn - missing III Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such. You are one of this week's Simply Positive Reviewees and I am proud to honour you as such.


*Flower5* The Title: The title will appeal to the devout child that resides in all our hearts. I think my prayer was never quite so fervent as it was in the innocent beliefs of childhood, before cynicism and eroding events wore down that power. Short, simple, creating the mood immediately, there is an invitation to join in the prayer.

*Flower5* The Rhyme: It is not divided into verses, yet there is some semblance of rhyme, all but two of those lines are in the same end syllable - 'air'/'are'/'ere'. Or one could see it another way, one sestet, and two quatrains, all three with alternating rhyme. The lines need division then, into verses of 6-4-4.

*Flower5* The Meter: I often say this is not a required device, I've even failed to master it, yet when I see it in a poem I am awed by the majesty and rhythm it can bring to the lines. I love the way it can then be read aloud in a dramatic manner. I believe poems are for listening as much as they are for reading; if at all you like songs (the older kind with rhyming words that can be heard!*Laugh*) you will agree! But it is just not here, is it? *Cry* Or is it?*Blush*
Nope, it is 2-4-4-7-5-5-7-6-7-6-7-5-7-7, no pattern that I can discern!

*Flower5* The Imagery: This is a large part of what makes a poem rise into the ranks of the sublime, from the hordes of the competent. Some deft metaphor, simile, alliteration, consonance, assonance, onomatopoeia - the devices are many. Simple can also hold the attention, but I find it works best when it has just one thing to set it off, one gem or decoration. I found this to hold my attention by the fact that it held the same questions my heart tends to ask, rather than for any admirable flights of lyrical fancy.

*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: It was one question, one mood, one prayer. A sign from God that He is there, just to tell us we are not drifting in hopelessness. yet he is firm in not giving that sign, insisting on faith. It would not be faith if there was reason. I liked the paradox that was implied, or maybe I was adding my own interpretation to it. Either way, It appealed.

*Flower5* What I liked: The last lines echoed my innermost pleadings to God, long ago. I later decide that blind faith would have to be content not to see.

"Just a sign to prove my faith,
and show me that you're there"


*Flower5* Thank you for a thought-provoking read.

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1548522 Unavailable **
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Review of Spellbinding  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello jaya Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: I wondered why the title description was for the allure rather than the one so bound? Of course, it was your choice,what form of the word to use, but, personally I would have seen it the other way around. It was part of the quotation given as prompt, hence it was attractive and apt. The site contest throws up an amazing variety of submissions and even the the titles ran the complete spectrum of possibilities. This one was in the middle of the bell curve.

*Flower5* The Rhyme: When there is a neat arrangement into verses of even lines, my eye races ahead of my mind, trying to see any pattern. I know neither rhyme nor rhythm was a required device or feature, yet the absence of both surprised me. If it had been a free verse, that would have troubled me at all, raised expectation proportionately increases the chances of disappointment.

*Flower5* The Rhythm: I can understand how either of these props can sometimes 'force' word choices, just like the 'no adverbs' dictum or a word limit can restrict creativity in stories. Yet, the use of these does enhance visual and even auditory appeal for the reader. Poetry with even syllables in all lines, especially if the stresses fall into place, it is made for reading aloud, it has a clip-clop cadence.

*Flower5* The Imagery: A 'compulsive, needy sailor' - those words might do in prose, but in poetry some more striking or full of vivid word pictures is desired. 'Salty breath', 'steely claw', whilst apt, were not unusual. It is not a crime to be middle-of-the road, but in poetry, I have found risks worth the taking. Some alliteration perhaps, or onomatopoeia, or even some metaphor that remains whirring in the mind?

*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: I am so gald it was not arranged in quatrains, the three line arrangement had the attraction of the thing rarely found. I once tried to experiment; I wrote a poem of three line verses with aab ccd eef rhyme and every third verse had the last line rhyme (ggh iij kkf - llm nno ppf). Then I made it 4-4-8 in line count, the whole looked pretty striking, even if it needed a lot of effort!

*Flower5* What I liked: Any thing to do with the sea is attractive to me. You did get the mood right, the irresistible pull of the sea was well conveyed. If it were not so much a love-hate relationship, it might have been more attractive. If it was not resentment but a need to try and 'settle down' that led to the temporary abandonment, if the return was because the pull could not be denied, instead of a failure to fit in elsewhere ...? If... If... fishes were wishes, then the sailor would be king! *Laugh*

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: There were no errors to find. If it failed to enthrall me fully, put it down to my strange penchant for at least one of the devices of poetry.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1548522 Unavailable **
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Sarah~goodbye writing.com Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: The title actually has a bit of double meaning within, but even before that delectable possibility dawns, the intro serves to enhance the potential sufficiently to cause the reader to contemplate the read. So it is effective - enough.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning is almost a formula is it not, 'once upon a time', 'far far way' and 'long long ago'. My theory is that the writers of these tales were a savvy lot, they prevented refutation of any fantasy by placing the events in a time and place that none could claim to know. You make a bold choice when introducing the main character to us, - I will go into that later. The beginning serves to set the time, the place and the form or nature of the heroine. We learn her name, her calling and her residence.

*Flower5* The Setting: The beginning did it well, there is a lot of ''telling', but that is the style of fairy tales, one cannot be faulted for sticking to the genre.

*Flower5* The Characters: Ah, this is what I wanted to applaud. The main character is a - witch. That itself would not be so bad but she is a selfish and unkind witch - not a popular choice for heroine. Wait, there's more - she's *gasp* ugly! It can only get zany from there! The names start with X and Z, to give it the touch of 'other-worldliness', one presumes.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: There are points where I wished the 'telling' would become 'showing', it could be done without discarding either the irony or the flavour.

"But of course she was also smug and decided she would use the opportunity to show off."

That could so easily be -:
A smug smile flitted across her face. She lifted an imperious hand and beckoned Paul to place her blue velvet cushion upon the little stool. That'll show this bumpkin what I think of his uncomfortable furniture

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I wondered why Zelda let Paul do all the talking? I wondered why the King allows her to go around without the chaperon-like presence of a maid-in-waiting? I wondered why something that was not 'allowed' suddenly became acceptable just because the 'people' went 'Awwwwwwwwwwww' at kiss! A few bugs to be ironed out, if you wish, but the tale still pleased.

I liked it; it blended romance, and fantasy, and humour, and even moral lesson, well.

*Flower5* What I liked: I like anything that adds humour to the mix, especially when it blends well, as this did.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"as she and Paul let lose their real feelings for each other and well, kissed." To lose is to 'fail to win or suffer deprivation', to let loose means 'to break free of restraint and restriction'. I think you want the latter word?

"Princess Zelda flinched; she was sensitive to her looks. Paul placed a hand gently against her shoulder." 'sensitive about her looks

"I wanted to know you better before you arrived so moments would not be as awkward" I think the use of 'moments' is not quite the mot juste there. Maybe just the singular form? Or 'the meeting'?

"'Here Comes The Bride' was playing as Princess Zelda walked in the hall" I think you mean 'into'?

"Princess Zelda took a peak at Sir Gerard" A 'peak' is the mountainous kind, to peep would be better implied by the use of 'peek'.

"She could even hear her father gasp and her mother crying in happiness" She must have been crying pretty loudly? Also, if he 'gasps', she will 'cry'.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1548522 Unavailable **
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Review of The Green Ogre  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello michellebklear, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such. This is part of the reviews from the HH auction win, 2 of 5.


*Flower5* The Title: I wanted to rad this, I really did. I have seen and enjoyed Shrek, the first Green Ogre I knew. I was eager to make the acquaintance of this one, especially if he is the friend of Michelle Bluebelle! (Well, Hannah calls you Mi Belle, does she not? And you are blue - I just thought the ogre's friend should have a fitting name!)

*Flower5* The First Impression: The large and bold green font make the title and theme clear. The language is simple and humorous.

*Flower5* The Devices: Is there any reason to eschew rhyme? You are too accomplished a poet not to be able to pull this one off, something simple n=but attractive. It looks so much like something a child might enjoy, it seems a pity not to add rhyme(although that is another plus, if writing for children!). Forget meter, forget alliteration, forget everything but rhyme.

I wouldn't dream of dictating, but may I just show you how it could be done?


"I once met an ogre
that fell down a hill
complaining of sores
and bumps on his nose" /c}

Of course the bumps on his nose would have to be 'bumped down to find another line to pair. But this could then be:

I once met an ogre
that fell down a hill
complaining of sores
after the tumbling spill.

Or some other words of your choice. If you want ... *Laugh*

*Flower5* The Feeling at the End: I wished I had a friend who would write me something so affectionate and understanding, I think the ogre has a true friend. I love the secret you blurt out, about the consumption of daisies! I appreciate the image - so perfect and it is able to make the ogre look almost cuddly-cute!


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Explanation  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Kristi Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such. This is part of your shower from SAJ


*Flower5* The Title: Sometimes short terse titles work well for poetry, at other times the long-winded and lyrical flights of fancy do. I prefer the body of the poem to contrast with the title, but that is just personal preference, one can go wither way, some will like it, some won't. What is important is - does it attract and intrigue, does it create expectation of what lies within, finally, is it apt? I would answer yes to all those, for yours. So, it is a winner.

*Flower5* The Rhyme: This is a form of alternating rhyme, just imagine two lines, broken up to make four. It would rhyme every four lines, would it not. The stanza support my theory, it is eight lines per verse, to the usual four. The use of centering makes it more attractive.

*Flower5* The Rhythm: It could be even, if you so desired, many of the lines are dimeter. Incidentally, that supports my theory of divided lines, tetrameter is the more popular choice. But for the most part it seems to follow a natural cadence.

*Flower5* The Imagery: There's nothing spectacular in that field, no flights of fancy in metaphor, or swoops of simile. Yet the meaning is clear and heartfelt.

*Flower5* The Grammar and Technicalities: You used a tilde, the little swung dash thingummy that I like to use more as decoration or divider! I dare not comment upon mundane things like commas, then. Anybody who can perfectly use those pesky punctuation marks in poetry deserves a prize!

*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: Ah, this too was laudable - I liked the loving explanation. I am sure it was appreciated and treasured because it was never required.

*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the 'true blue' colour choice, it was made easy on the eyes by making it in bold font.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: Not a single hiccup, it went smoothly down the gullet, like a draught of refreshing spring water!

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello warriormom, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such. This is par of your shower from SAJ


*Flower5* The Title: Ah, this is a great title. It is simple, it is self-deprecating almost; it says, 'Don't mind me, I am just a simple old iron bunk bed." Why, just the fact that it can draw attention to itself tells us it is special, something much more than just a place to lie down and go to sleep.

*Flower5* The Whole: This is so short, so simple, that one would be deceived into thinking it didn't have much to say. Well, everybody should have a 'happy place' fixed in their minds, a memory of the time when they felt the most secure and contented, the place that makes them find relief from cares and worries just by the conjuring up its image.

This tells us of yours, the where and the why and how, as well as a bit of the with whom. If an incident or two was woven in, some actual faces and names walked through, we too could share in this 'happy place' of yours. Like WDC is one of mine! *Delight*

*Flower5* The Grammar and other Details: The words are simple but evocative, one knows exactly why this creates the serenity and gladness in your heart.

The grammar is impeccable and the spelling faultless. The format is neat and clean with even one-line interspaces between paras.

*Flower5* The Take-Home: I've decided to create a piece of my own, of my happy place. It too was a retreat with 'religious' connotations. Only it is my annual visit (as a young child) to my grandparents', with most of that visit centering around Grandfather's routines. He was the one with the conviction and ritual, I merely copied his every move, adoring him. The knowledge that he was correct, that with him to lead I could not falter, that was my conviction! *Smile*

*Flower5* The Final Words: So, thank you for a stimulating and inspiring read, in more than one way!


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello alz heimer Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: I read both the pieces actually but am choosing the second one to review. Each of the titles is arresting and grab-the-reader-by-the-collar kind of interesting. Each is apt and evocative, the second especially has subtle under shades of meaning that are echoed in the gentle and trailing ending.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I don't know why I am using my story template to review this, maybe because it was written in such a moving manner that it had all the elements of that for me. But, I had to pinch myself and say 'it's not a story', it's not a story; it is, unfortunately, true.

*Flower5* The Setting:

*Flower5* The Characters:

*Flower5* The Descriptions:
I will just say that the events were brought out clear and lucid and they brought back some memories of my own:

I am so sorry for all those involved, my grand-father and uncle both went through this. When Granpa thoroughly irritated all with his bouts of going to the bank and then forgetting why he was there, or wandering off by bus until the friendly bus-driver brought him back on his return route (luckily they lived near a terminus and he was a resident of decades), or forgot he had break-fast and threw a fit demanding to have it, only to be unable to eat it because he was already full...

Well, my uncle and aunt were impatient and exasperated. When it was my uncle's turn, my aunt regretted some of her sharp thoughts. She hadn't ever expressed them, but she regretted thinking them. She understood that it is no one's fault. After this read, I do too.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Martina, this was a great item that educated and informed even as it enthralled and awed. This is a devastating disorder that I have watched as it affected many of my dear ones, but they were all past 60; to have it happen to a young and vibrant person, it was heart-wrenching to read, how much more , a hundred times more, difficult must it have been for you all?

Thanks for the courage to chronicle this and the ability to make it so vivid and real for the reader. I could 'see' your aunt, I have seen her, she was, and is, a great lady.

*Flower5* What I liked: It is told with a gentle love and understanding, from deep admiration and sincere commitment. It is brimming over with the emotions and yet the writing itself is just a litany of events, no attempt to do any tear-jerking.

The tears did brim, but they were for the beauty of the love, not pity, not at all. Sarah is a great lady and she is lucky to have such loving and supportive people around her.

BTW, the two images were great, the postage stamp and the lovely painting, the tribute gains depth and colour.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: Nada, nil, not a single hiccup. This was one polished write, error free and smooth.

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Wyn - missing III Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such. This is part of your shower from SAJ


*Flower5* The Title: The title kinda gives the end away, does it not? Yet, the sentiment expressed is something that spoke to me, I had to reach out and shake hands with the poet who could come up with something like this!

*Flower5* The Rhyme: Ah, this has alternate rhyme, but double alternate rhyme, one step better. abab, cdcd efef, etc. etc. It is direct end rhyme all the way, sometimes the word rhymes, sometimes the end syllable.

*Flower5* The Meter: It could be there if you choose to go that way, take for instance the first verse, it has lines in the pattern of 8-6-8-8. To make it consistent tetrameter, or eight syllables per line, you just need the addition of two words in the third line, no change in rhyme, no change in meaning.


"No binding ties to hold me down,
no answers that I need to make
no hurtful words to make me frown,
no more abuse I need to take."

I might be stretch in some lines - like the 11 syllable fifth line, but it can be done, it is your decision as to whether you want to make that effort, or not.

*Flower5* The Form: Other than the quatrains, the stated rhyme pattern, I could not discern any specific form.

*Flower5* The Imagery: The words are simple, the images clear. The story is an old old one, that of a cheating and worthless partner. It needs no flights of lyrical fancy, it is effective as it is.

*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: The pattern is well laid. It begins with the present and visits the reasons for it from the past. It needs of a note of high resolution! *Bigsmile*

*Flower5* What I liked: The last lines, they were superb. I take my hat off to you! I think it makes a great come-back line!

*Flower5* My Last Words: Thanks you for a great read that made me chortle with cynical appreciation!


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Kristi Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: The title is poetic, it made me think of someone reflecting beside a pool, like Narcissus. I wonder why that image sprang to mind? The questions that arose made me decide to read this. I am not sure I would classify this as an editorial, more a monologue, it seemed to me. Your pick.

*Flower5* The Content: There is a lot of profound thought, almost an entire philosophy. It might be the musing of someone caged in their own mind. It might be someone imprisoned by their own mind. It might be the musings of one who is deeply crazed, or one who is lucidly sane. It might be by someone who has renounced the world, or by someone the world has renounced. Superb conundrums are created and answered and the answer creates the riddle again.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I can only say this made a deep impression upon me. I vowed to treat people who are 'different' with more compassion and never to dismiss someone as crazy. It seems vapid and immaterial to comment upon your fluency in language, your skills in metaphor and simile, your immaculate grammar and spelling, your clean formatting and meticulous editing. Yet, it needed to be said, nay, to be lauded.

*Flower5* Last Words: I thank you for letting me read this exquisite creation.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Methusilah Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such. I was tempted to come in and read your story because of one very 'dissed' reviewer. Anything that arouses strong feeling is worth a peek!


*Flower5* The Title: I liked the title, it had the striking combination of two things unlikely to combine! It also referred to something well-known and recognizable. Eh, what? No, I did not 'get' the name of the song, I'm musically challenged; it is traffic jams that are so common in my city! *Laugh*

*Flower5* The Beginning: I am not upset by your not liking the Beatles, I understand it is just an illustration for the character in the story, a 'hook' for the plot to progress. It could as easily have been Michael Jackson that was used as the example. It would still upset some of his fans. I thought the beginning was quite effective, the car and music choice matched, the person obviously was familiar with that era.

The narrator has broken up with his girlfriend who was a bit of a broken reed, but the one thing to which he clung with the desperation of a drowning man. His friends are supportive but he feels the irritation at their knowing what's best for him. A lot of information hidden in that seeming rant

*Flower5* The Setting: The traffic jam is well described, the slow inching, the lanes moving at different paces but eventually the same cars lining up next to each other.

The irritation of the intrusive and unappealing music, The repeat of helpful advice from the friends, the building frustration, all well done. So, both physical and emotional setting are well tackled.

*Flower5* The Characters: You do well to have the characters use alternate lines as dialogue with just an occasional 'he chimed in' or 'I sneered' to show us the feelings of the characters. You avoided the mistake of peppering dialogue with 'she said' and 'he said'. It is snappy and the back-and-forth ribbing is amusing.

There's not much actual description, but except for Karen, there's not much opportunity to describe friends on the phone. Tom is detailed, at least his nature is, in a couple of deft lines.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The language is contemporary and sarcastic, the subtle humour in the ranting is actually entertaining. A lot of detail is given about the character or the setting without much effort.

"With that I hung up and returned to the world of just me, Ringo over there, and I-84. We made some progress eventually, creeping up a good three inches or so before having to stop again"

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I quite enjoyed it. Any character is allowed his or her own quirks. We allow people to commit crimes and forgive them, so give a guy some room to express musical dislikes! The main thing was, the chracter was 'believable'.

There was a problem, a conflict and an unexpected almost-resolution. The faint promise of a future is sufficient to qualify as a happy ending.

*Flower5* What I liked: There was a little twist in the end, my favourite kind of dance.

I enjoyed the POV, the way the narrator is cynical and almost bitter, yet helpful and not confrontational. He is rewarded for both those traits.


I liked the repeat of the the line 'I'm so glad I've got rationalizing friends ...', and its use in the joke about being in the same situation. Spontaneous humour is always a plus.

*Flower5* Suggestions: I didn't spot any 'biggies' in there. Let's not worry about minor ones?
BTW, was it not spelled Methuselah? Just asking. And the rating is more to restore averages than suggest that this can't be improved. Write on, this shows talent.

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Not so Sweet  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello marcusl Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: The title says it is 'not so sweet', one immediately wonders what it is about, Valentine's overflows with sweet stuff, one could use something different. The intro takes up where the title left off, but the story line is not given away. Good job.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I think you are an accomplished writer, your teacher was definitely right. You seem to have studied the requirements and set about efficiently constructing a deft tale.

The opening gives us the two main characters and subject or storyline. It even gives us a glimpse of their physical characteristics, they are just pig-tailed schoolgirls.

*Flower5* The Setting: We did not see much of the physical setting, the emotional one was dealt with in sufficient detail, one got the vibes clearly. Was there a reason you choose not to let us see that street, or the school, or even the garbage bin? Did you make a conscious effort to let nothing overshadow the emotions?

*Flower5* The Characters: The school girls and their interaction, the first response to knowing some has a crush, to broadcast it and embarrass the person, no matter how close a friend, it all rang true.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Delcine is highlighted more than Mae, on my second read-through I found that to be a significant clue. Yet the first time, I had no idea where you were taking this. Congratulations on an excellent bit of mis-direction.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: This was definitely a read in the Romance/Love genre. Not one in the conventional sense, the protagonist is a 16 year-old schoolgirl. The end is surprising and finds a path through rejection towards resolution.

*Flower5* What I liked: I liked it for a number of reasons: it is simple and yet deals with a complex subject. It shows sensitivity and restraint. It shows maturity and acceptance, by both the persons involved. Good job!

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"Mae gasped while the bypassing students chuckled at her" Can you use the word 'bypassing' that way? I know that people who pass by are sometimes referred to as 'passer-by', but this was new to me. Why not just 'passing students'?

"Delcine tugged Mae’s black pigtails.

“Hey, what’re you doing? That hurts.” Mae nursed her ponytails." Aren't those different? Pigtails and ponytails? It might be a cultural thing, but here, pigtails are plaited to the end and tied; ponytails are tied at the scalp end but otherwise free - like a pony's tail - natch! *Laugh*

"The cliff proved impossible scale back up, so she swam in the well of despair." It took me awhile to discover the 'cliff' was metaphorical, you might make that clear. It becomes a bit mixed as she swims in a 'well' rather than a in the sea of despair. Does one have cliffs over a well? But making it a cliff of possibility or something similar would make it clear that one is not talking about physical jumping off a cliff. And I think it should be 'to scale back up', even though that still leaves the phrase with an ending preposition, another no-no.

“You didn’t throw it away. I did.” Mae simpered I think that one should be careful to use words that are the best fit, the mot juste. Simper means 'Smile affectedly or derisively', are you sure that's what you intend to imply, here?



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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167
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Problematic Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: I liked the title, it has a deeper meaning than just a youngster who observes domestic violence, he is also outside society's acceptance and has pushed himself there for a reason. I thought the title did its job of creating awareness of the topic and attracting attention too.

*Flower5* The Beginning: For quite some time I thought of the narrator as returning home after a long absence, rather than just his habitual return home, part of a daily routine. A small remark that 'it happened every day', that might help clarify the situation.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting was described, the chicken wire gate with its wooden frame, the littered front room, etc. I could not visualise the entire setting though. Maybe if we got a tad more detail? As you mention the father slouching in the chair show us what type of chair? Was it a spindly rocking chair that groans as he rocks? Are the beer spills making their own pattern on an overstuffed chintz covered sofa? Is the carpet grey with ashes that have been rubbed in by his feet? What about the kitchen? Does it smell of stale grease? Is the sink piled with unwashed dishes? Or does it gleam as the mother endlessly cleans already clean surfaces? Each bit makes even the characters gain depth.

*Flower5* The Characters: As mentioned above the characters need depth. the narrator - what does he look like? Ia he actually lanky and thin, but his explosive temper makes him a threat to others? Does he offset lack of strength with meanness in sneaky behaviour and violence by stealth? Or has he spent time working up muscles in his room, push-up after push-up to ensure the means to perpetrate the acts which relieve his tension?

The sister, the one who is actually not there, she is the best described character. However one does not know why the her death occurred or why the reactions were so devastating. The narrator was but a six-year old when the event occurred and he does not know. As a reader, I cannot help wishing I did.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The father and mother are described, but if one could see what they have become as compared to what they were - if he either struggles to see that, or the photograph mentioned has that, it would be good.

I could not understand why the mother was despised by the child, had he attempted to try and get her out of the violence? Did she find excuses and condone the behaviour? Had she failed to come to his rescue? Show us why he resents her so much.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: You have a lot of telling going on. I debated whether to do this in my 'Suggestions" below, but I reserve those for minor hiccups. This is an integral part of tale telling, it affects character description, setting and plot or pace.

Let me give you an example:

"Finally, I begun towards the door, pushing the squeaky gate open, I walked up the steps. Pushing the splintered oak door open, I stepped inside.

I hated coming home."

One would not know that from anything that went before, One has to experience that reluctance, to see it in a tangible manner called 'showing'.

If the lines were changed to something like:

My feet shuffled along the drive, the gravel scrunching and sliding like it wanted to punish me for coming there. The gate too, it moaned and groaned before the rusty hinge allowed me to swing it open. As I pushed hard against the resisting splintered oak door, I felt resentful. You don't think I want to come here, do you?

Do you see what I mean, add in your own descriptions if you agree.

The formatting is clean and neat with one line interspaces in between paras. The language is simple and lets the stark emotions show through.

I was glad to know the account was fictional. It was hard for me to read, as hard as it would be for any other victim of abuse. But abuse does not excuse abuse, this story seems to be written to excuse teen anger and violence. I will stop with just that one remark, I am here to talk about the writing as a whole, not react to the issue at large.

*Flower5* What I liked: You made a brave attempt to highlight an issue that is often ignored or swept under the carpet. I accept that you are trying to do it as an attempt to stand in someone else's shoes and find explanation for deviations of behaviour. Be sure that the empathy for all the victims is visible.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"Why are you so late, boy!" The sentence as it stands deserves a query mark at the end. If it was an accusing statement:'You are so late, boy!', then it needs an exclamatory mark.

"There would be familiar brown bottles littered around his chair, some of its contents spilling onto the carpet as he sipped another" 'Some of their content', it is beer bottles.

"Rays of light slithered through the blinds, casting long shadows across the room." When using unusual words, make sure the meaning fits and is clear to the reader. The word 'slithered' means "To glide or slide like a reptile" , are you sure that is what you want to say? It would still be clearer to say, the 'rays of light had to snake their way through blinds that almost managed to keep the room dark.'

"She used to, back in the day. When life was 'normal'." the term as I remember, is: 'back in the days'.

"I gazed at my Metallica poster as I the door to my room swung closed, it was pretty tattered. " I think this sentence underwent a partial edit? It doesn't make sense as it stands. There's an extra 'I' in there. What was pretty tattered, the door or the poster?

"I don't understand, what did they see that I didn't that made them care?" Call for the comma police please. I think a couple of commas fell out! *Laugh* Seriously, do you think a couple more might be needed to make sense of that sentence?

"He become violent;" He became violent.

"Sometime's my old man" No apostrophe required.

"It wasn't long before I had no friends, I had driven them all off. That fact took me forever to figure out. A six year old who didn't have a friend in the world. " It is just a quibble, but it would have taken more than six-year-old insight to figure out that one. In fact you imply that by saying it took forever, though to a six-year old, a month is forever! So it would be best to end it as 'Why I didn't have a single friend in the world'. It leaves the time indeterminate.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Ears or Kids  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Dr Taher writes again! Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


This is part of the Challengers Reviews for this week. I chose your story because I had to see what this was about. Of course I knew it was not actually a gruesome tale about difficulty in choosing between well shaped ears or offspring, your intro and the fact that I knew you were a paediatrician helped.


*Flower5* The Title: It left me breathless in shock for a bare half-second. I imagined some ransom demand and other equally gruesome possibilities! Then your intro slowed my racing pulse and I chided myself for not taking your job as kiddie doc into consideration. Blame it on a hyperactive imagination! *Laugh* But it made me plunge into the read, so tick that off as an effective title!

*Flower5* The Beginning: You tell the tale well, I would definitely classify this as a short story. The contradictory beginning captures the attention, then the back-story takes over with its slower pace and self-deprecating humour. I loved the way you detailed the various attributes of a child.

However, I have this distaste for brackets - I feel they disrupt concentration on the issue at hand. Sort of like whispered asides distract you from what the lecturer is saying. Could you not make each quality and the bracketed comment into a separate sentence, the two bits separated by a dash? Instead of this one long multi-bracketed sentence? You do have brackets elsewhere but those could be either omitted, some things not requiring clarification at all, or substituted by pop-notes/foot-notes.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting has to be a hospital, but that remains in the sketchy background. It doesn't matter, there's too much rip-roaring funny stuff going on in the foreground for us to even bother.

*Flower5* The Characters: Doc. you sure make yourself out to be a bumbler, exaggerating what was the kind of ineptitude most of us face in our internships. I hope Dr. Kirtane enjoys being immortalised in your prose. Since you only say good things about him, he should. We'll forgive him his one outburst, he did have a lot to bear!

*Flower5* The Descriptions: You add these in where required, the description of Angry Asgar was a hoot! The fact that one cannot 'see' either you or your ENT registrar is something that I would not call a deal-breaker. If it was there, I would applaud with more vim, but even now I'm going to applaud.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Hrrrgghh-hrrrgggh. If your patients could only read this - wait a minute - some of them must have grown up sufficiently to able to. I hope they see the joke! *Laugh*

Cheer up, Doc. My patients don't remember me if I do my job well, as an anaesthetist I have to prevent them having any unpleasant memories of their visit to the OT! *Bigsmile*

*Flower5* What I liked: The ironic wit, the ability to poke fun at oneself, the honesty. Thanks for letting us 'know' you.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: Too busy chortling to get the hiccups. Sorry!



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

Jyo
SP CHALLENGER SIG
169
169
Review of On the Chance  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Mara ♣ McBain Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


This is part of the Challengers Reviews for this week. I chose your story because I have always admired the deft way you weave a story, I couldn't go wrong by choosing this double winner!


*Flower5* The Title: I thought the phrase was 'On the Off-chance"? That would contain a pun too. But the title works because it suggests the seizing of the moment, taking a chance, especially around the holiday season is an attractive concept.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning sets the scene both physically and emotionally, it has good imagery and introduces two of the three main characters. It does most of what is asked from a beginning.

*Flower5* The Setting: Another bit that is efficiently achieved, most of it at that beginning, but the church and the service is taken care of with as much detail.

"The flickering candles held Carlie enthralled as the sermon droned on." The flickering concentration is symbolized by those flickering candles. Good job! *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* The Characters: Carlie and Mark, not much physical description, yet the reader feels they are visible. It is because so much emotional information is provided. If word counts a limits permit, a few lines to show the former would not be amiss. Maybe as 'her eyes flew to his' it could become 'her astonished grey eyes flew to his pleading brown ones'? Oof! Cliche-d, I know. Use your own words and opportunity for description. *Laugh*

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Who am I to argue with success? It is not even a habit I pursue with dedication. Yet, every time I see it, I understand what my good friend Max means when he implores me to eschew adverbs in my writing. I try not so much to achieve zero adverbs, but I do try and replace some, after a 'head count' of them. You too use adverbs as freely as I, I confess to that failing. Do you think you might want to re-think their use? Let me show you how the description might be strengthened by abjuring adverbs:

"Determinedly she pushed those thoughts aside and put on a small smile" Just a slight change to 'She pushed those thoughts aside and put on a small determined smile'. Do you think the change converts it to 'showing' from 'telling'? I leave it to you.

Yet some of your descriptions were great "I couldn't carry a tune in a bucket" What a great metaphor, it is original, is it not? Or even "“Too many scrapes like that will rub the freckles right off ya girl,” the affable Irishman teased" - there was plenty to admire.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Oh, was this in response to the picture prompt in the site contest? It would have fit in pretty well too. I understand how it won those laurels, it is well-crafted and creates a heart-tugging emotional tale.

*Flower5* What I liked: It has to be the detailed back-story that was effortlessly slipped in. Sometimes it is difficult to do without intruding or interrupting present narrative, but this was well done. Introducing the letter was a stroke of genius.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

The first line indent is not consistent, is that deliberate? It is not only dialogue, but other lines too, that have this missing. BTW, dialogue gets the usual indent, just like a para, or so I am given to understand.

"The footbridge leading to the chapel was slick under foot and large, fluffy snowflakes accumulated on the hood of her cream wool coat" I think the comma would be more appropriate after 'underfoot' (one word). The differing actions/occurrences would thus be separated.

" A small smile turned her lips" This is her second 'small smile', repeats weaken the previous usage. Why not 'her lips trembled with the faint beginnings of a smile'?

"with the passing of their beloved wives at too early of an age" The simplest form is 'at an early age'; if you wish to retain the 'too' at least cut out the 'of'.

"Your daddy knew what he was talking about when he told you that you could do better than the likes of me, no matter his reasoning." I think that if one does not agree with the reasoning, one cannot say that he knew what he was talking about. One can however say that 'he was right', 'no matter how flawed his reasoning'. Do you agree?



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

Jyo
SP CHALLENGER SIG
170
170
Review of Hard Times in NYC  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Ben Langhinrichs Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


This is part of the Challengers Reviews for this week. I chose your story because I once read your name as Ben Laughing Riches and the image has stuck in my brain. I look forward to your stories because they live up to the misread name.


*Flower5* The Title: Well, it is not something lyrical or a flight of fancy, it contains no profound truths or cryptic allusions. Yet by mentioning the 'Big Apple' and Hard Times together, it promised to be fast paced and action packed. Sufficient inducement.

*Flower5* The Beginning: What a beginning. The first sentence strikes gold, a cracker-jack opening line, if I ever read one. It has setting, a great metaphor and makes one sit up and lean into the read in rapt attention. "Grey storm clouds scuttled across the sky like roaches scattering when the kitchen light flicks on."

*Flower5* The Setting: Well achieved by the use of some great lines right at the beginning. The comparison to the Labours of Hercules (Augean Stables) and the monetary situation was a blast!

*Flower5* The Characters: The characters are not directly described, it is by deft suggestion. For instance we learn that Slim is not trustworthy and that one should expect him to actually achieve the opposite of what he intends by this line:
"Slim's plan had gone poorly from the start. A "sure thing, Johnny", he'd said, which should have clued me in it was destined to failure." It is also ironic and continues with the leit-motif of sarcastic wit.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Your similes and metaphors are superb. I loved each and very one. I will not try and give example as I might end up having to quote the whole write. Suffice it to say that the attention does not wander until that last shot, the Parthian shot of parting shots!

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: There are a lot of potential aphorisms in there, the character could become famous for his narrative style, like Mickey Spillane's Mike Hammer.

"The plan was simple, I'll give it that, but simple and lousy isn't a hell of a lot better than complex and lousy - just less strain on the brain"

Are you kidding, you have to give this guy more space, develop him into a series. He is just bad enough to be attractive, still has enough brains to continue to be that, has a great sense of humour (Okay, I realise that's yours, but transferred epithet and all ...?), he has even got himself an appealing love interest!

Definitely expand into more stories! This one is fine as it is, no happy ending required for resolution.

*Flower5* What I liked: The self-deprecating humour that breathes through every line of the write, the great descriptions, the fast-paced action, inconsequential though it turns out. I was breathless with laughing at the end! Thanks for a great read!

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: No hiccups here, this was one smooth read.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

Jyo
SP CHALLENGER SIG
171
171
Review of Pet Store Friends  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Beck Firing back up! Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


This is part of the Challengers Reviews for this week. I chose your story because I saw from your handle that you won a fishing tourney - cool! So I had go fishing in your port? Nothing fishy about that, is there? *Laugh*


*Flower5* The Title: Writer's Cramps are tough, take a prompt, use only 300 words or less, and submit within 24 hours. While still trying to have a life! So I wouldn't ask as much of these as in other writes. But this title was a bit tame, was it not? Setting aside the setting? *Laugh* Could you change it now, or would that not be allowed? Give it some thought.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I liked every other bit of the story. The dialogue between the pets was 'cute' to employ an overused but apt word, otherwise known as cliche. *Laugh* Just a friendly word, instead of 'said' use other options that show action: "“Hey!” Rollings said to his possible new pal." How about '“Hey!” Rollings greeted his possible new pal.' Lesser words, too!

*Flower5* The Setting: The pet store is deftly woven in through the antics of Rollings and his 'showing off' the place. Just that glimpse of the aisle and the section with 'tennis balls and all kinds of stuff', in this short story, it was enough.

*Flower5* The Characters: Oh, the two dogs are well described, the exuberance and extroversion of one, the tentative and bruised spirit of the other opening up to the former.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The little things make a big difference. Taking this from an unusual POV makes it immediately stand out, the slight modification of GKW to 'Dog-knows-what' is another example of how this rises above the merely mundane.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It has a problem that is not obviously stated, but it exists all the same. The withdrawn nature of the second dog, Janie. The pup talk, err, pep talk given by Rollings is the impetus required for her to heal. Well done!

*Flower5* What I liked: It does not have the classic fairy tale ending, or any goo-ey emotion. Just a brief flirting with weightier matters as one enjoys this romp through a pet store. Well done, subtlety wins over bludgeoning, in my book.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

“I know.” Janie’s tail *Check3* between her legs." For this sentence to be complete I think the word 'was' requires to be inserted at the check mark.




Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

Jyo
SP CHALLENGER SIG
172
172
Review of The Key  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello NickiD89 Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


This is part of the Challengers Reviews for this week. I chose your story because I loved the pun in the title. I like titles tha have the touch of the unusual.


*Flower5* The Title: As I said, I loved the pun and its allusion to the phrase 'under lock and key'. It proved to have many more shades of meaning after the read. It was effective in arresting one's attention and in enticing one into the read. Good work.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning has no readying of the mind for the emotional explosion, no creation of setting. It bursts upon us in one tearful outburst from an overcharged girl. She is old enough to drive, but for all that, she is still a girl. The explanations come later, from the gentle interaction, with bits of back-story, and the whole scene is set. It is strangely effective.

*Flower5* The Setting: You have the elements down pat, you add them in without visible effort. "The lush, wildflower-speckled countryside beyond the windshield reduced to a roiled rainbow as bitter tears stung Samantha’s eyes" The outside environment is described, the emotional one is detailed and we get to savour a great bit of description like 'roiled rainbow', I can picture the colours blurring together as tears from in the eyes. Bravo.

*Flower5* The Characters: Mom-mom, that is so sweet - 'twice the mother anyone could ask for'. It is little gems like this that make a character stand out from the pages in 3-D. The mother-daughter relationship is well described, the warmth and understanding are clear for all to see.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The smell of fresh grass that floods through the open car windows, the drone of insects that hangs in the perfumed air, you make the countryside come alive for us. It is not some flights of lyrical fancy, just simple words of what one could find. It is equally effective in creating the image, just as some photos can be as breathtakingly poignant as any painting.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The tale had an unusual resolution but one that satisfied, it was not 'happy' but it erased a lot of pain.

The support given to the girl by her adoptive mother was clear and heart-warming.

The progression of events was plausible and required no leaps of imagination.

The contents of the cottage, all the paintings, with questions a loving and grieving mother did not allow herself to resolve for fear her daughter would be hurt - it was so emotionally wrenching I had tears in my eyes.

*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the unusual take you had on the prompt, many of the other stories were crime or horror based, yours was real life.

I liked the descriptions and the simple method of tale telling. I liked the dialaogue that rang true.

Oh, why not just say - I liked it all!

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"Marla’s fleshy bosom rose and fell as she chuckled." The rest of your description is so spot on, I hesitate to ask - but do you feel 'fleshy' is the best adjective to describe a bosom? Not 'ample', or perhaps the other direction - 'scrawny'? All bosom is flesh, after all.

"A guilty blush crept across her face in the glow of that stare." Stares have a glow to them? I found that one caused a little pause in the read.

" The road traversed a tall, grassy field flanked on all sides by evergreen-dominated forest" Are you sure the comma placement is immaculate in there? Read it aloud and re-check. I thought another might be indicated after 'field'; I'm not too sure the first is required.

"Into view appeared a quaint, white building with large windows overlooking a lake" The building appeared first? Then one sees the windows overlook a lake? 'Into view appeared ...'? Is that the way you want it to start? I found it a tad stilted in construction that way.

" Rollercoaster riding was one of her favorite childhood activities" 'had been' surely, not 'was'?

"I don’t get it?” she whispered." It means that she did not understand it, not that she is asking if she receives something. I thought it was more a statement, than query, myself.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

Jyo
SP CHALLENGER SIG
173
173
Review of Anniversary Party  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Jaye P. Marshall Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


This is part of the Challengers Reviews for this week. I chose your story because I thought something good enough to be the pick of a Romance"love Newsletter twice, it should be good enough for me.


*Flower5* The Title: The title was apt, no arguing upon that point. It had some depth to its meaning too. It did however fail to attract by some striking image or idea association, it failed to intrigue and draw within. The anniversary was a golden one, something rare, yet the title fails to give any hint of that. It was an anniversary that brought deep understanding of the mutual bonds, yet that too is not remotely seen. "Not-so-golden Anniversary" Or "Golden Bonds" could be more attractive. It is always your decision where you wish to go with your title, I'm am merely illustrating alternative paths.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I loved that first line, "Gerry Lewis lay in her bed while dreams played against her closed eyelids" This is the stuff of which memorable stories are weaved. It perfectly captures the moment just before one wakes up. Kudos.

*Flower5* The Setting: Not much setting in the physical sense. The emotional setting was well detailed. Since the emphasis is on the latter, the paucity of the former is not that great a lack.

*Flower5* The Characters: Name choices for the characters are so important. I had a story, set in India (most of tales are in my own country) and I had named the characters Rati and Ravi. I knew the meaning of the names, here we go more by rhyming end syllables for similarity than first letters, but the names did 'echo'. After a long and hard re-think I changed one of the names completely. Rati became 'Yasmin'. The hilarious part was that I used an application in 'Word' to find all occurrences of 'Rati' and change it to 'Yasmin', so 'admiration' and 'exploration' became 'admiyasminaon' and 'exployasminon'! *Laugh*

Ooops! *swings rambling self back on track* I mean Gerry and Sherry are echoing too.

I loved it that you introduce external characters for meaning, not filling. The physiotherapist has a role to play in Gerry's sudden decision. The humour in her internal dialogue contrasts well with her dark depression a tad later.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: You do a lot of things well, but this one must be your forte. Let me single out another bit that caught my eye for a perfectly created image, one that brought the scene to life in one's mind's eye: "An excruciating pain shot through her leg, its agony knotting her stomach with nausea. "

Yet, one does not actually have much physical description of any of the characters, the emotional make-up is there, the face itself isn't.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I thought this was a great story, the problem was an occurrence that happens to the elderly all the time, a fall and broken bones. The Conflict was real enough and not all that uncommon, either. The resolution was gentle, reaffirming and equally real. The last line was a superb ending. Mundane, but with a world of meaning.Well done. *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* What I liked: In the midst of clamity was a great sense of humour, someone with that wry outlook will always pull through. If you can laugh at yourself, the world will help you get up from a fall.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"She startled awake" No mistake there, yet I thought the meaning was not as clear as it would have been with the more mundane 'she awoke with a start'. You can't please everybody all of the time, so I understand that you are perfectly correct to have chosen your version of those words.

"There must be yellow roses and bridal wreath in each of the champagne buckets" Either 'a bridal wreath' or 'bridal wreaths', depending on how lavish the decorations were to be!

"Her fingers tentatively explored the canvas splint encasing her entire leg." A canvas splint? For a shattered knee? In an old osteoporotic lady? I think we should take a second opinion.

"Gerry's looked up and blinking her eyes, finally brought Sherry's face into focus." No apostrophe required, 'Gerry' will do. Maybe an extra comma after 'looked up'?



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

Jyo
SP CHALLENGER SIG
174
174
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Ẃeβ࿚Ẃỉtcĥ Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for


SP CHALLENGER SIG

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Item/Genre/Rating Choices: The folder promises family stories on the comical style, I have read your 'hold your ribs to prevent cracking from the bouts of laughter' editorials in the Comedy Newsletter, You are one heck of a tale teller. What more reason would I need to step inside? Oh, your genre ratings gave it to me, "Food/Cooking" was the cherry on the icing on the cake! I don't know why this was called a monologue, if dialogue has conversation between two or more people, monologue should have only one person talking - right? It wasn't the best choice for item type, in my mind.

*Flower5* The Title: Oooh, this one was rib-cracking hilarious. I knew of the allusion, but it nevertheless created a vivid image. The intro took our anticipation of a delicious treat to new levels.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I had a quibble at that first sentence itself. Not at the first read - I like to get a good bite of your stories and let the taste delight me, I later took another bite - I mean look! "It still makes me laugh to this day" "It still makes me laugh' and 'it makes me laugh to this day' are both essentially the same thing. Repetition is not always required for impact, certainly not here.

Then the tense 'shimmer' in that first para confused me (I'm darn easy to confuse and confound, don't worry), the first line is present tense. I'm no expert but would you say the second was too? Because what makes you laugh today is not the sight of that line, but the memory of it.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting of that one sublime culinary feat is well created and maintained, but it began to pall after a while. Initially the thought of these hot 'n' spicy treats enthralled, later I wanted more description. Something about its texture, its smell, the ingredients (no, don't give out the secret recipe, just let other cultures and people know exactly what these are - chicken wings is it? Marinated and rolled in flour and deep-fried? Show us how your fingers roll it, dust it, dip it, arrange it. Tell us of your struggles to find the ingredients, or detail the ease of doing so. Let us make those along with you.

*Flower5* The Characters: I could not 'see' you at all. The bio-block gave me a clearer picture. *Bigsmile* I realise you want this to be a an almost-rant, a monologue, but it has already morphed into an almost-story!

*Flower5* The Descriptions: You do this one effortlessly, the rich vein of self-deprecating humour sparkles through the vivid images. I loved one line for the deft alliteration you throw in, it might slip by some, but I pounced on it as though it were a - um - buffalo wing!
"patrol a platter filled with perfectly placed mouthwatering poultry portions" *thmumbsup*

*Flower5* What I liked: You can make the telephone directory into something humourous. I always look forward to your say on anything, I might not agree, but I'll have an enjoyable read.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Your writing is impeccable in presentation and format, spelling and grammar. Just one teeny tiny issue, it would help me as much if you took a stance for or against.

There were a few words where I wondered if a hyphen was required. Opinion is so evenly divided on this one that one can never be 'wrong'. I just point them out in case you want to re-think the issue: hot-winged, cast-iron, after-schoolers.

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
175
175
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


This is part of the Challengers Reviews for this week. I chose your story because the title was so evocative.


*Flower5* The Title: The title did everything I would ask from a title. It created a graphic and vivid image, it suggested the theme behind the tale but gave away nothing of its direction or resolution. It intrigued, it enticed, it captured the imagination. Kudos on a difficult job well done.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The first line is poignant and stark in its raw emotion. It is a pity that a couple of the succeeding sentences are slightly confusing. "I watched helplessly the day you were taken from my life, no longer here to lift me up" It seems as though the survivor was a witness, yet one line later you have 'they say it was an accident'. Would he not know? Obviously if she was taken from him, she is no longer there to lift him up. That is still a different statement of fact though, it does not belong in the same sentence.

"They say it was an accident but that makes no difference." Makes no difference to what? The next line does mention that 'you still left your physical body behind ..." but it does not make it obvious that this was just as inevitable and irrevocable despite the actual collision not being deliberate but accidental. I am sure you know exactly what you mean to say, do you feel it is as clear to the reader?

*Flower5* The Setting: It would have been effective to give a hint of setting, the mundane details to contrast with the anguish felt. Maybe the 'box that carries the empty shell' could be described in a word or two? (If there was a 500 word limit, there are 12 words still to spare) You could even shorten some of the sentences without changing one iota of meaning : For example - "I wish it was all just a bad nightmare and that I would wake in your arms with a feeling of relief." The 'with a feeling of relief' can be shortened to 'feeling relieved'. There are other places too.

*Flower5* The Characters: One does not get to see either of the characters, neither the one lost or the one losing. The smile that was 'brighter than any sun', could be described - 'that smile that started in your merry eyes and traveled to your lips, always pulling more to the left. It warmed me more than any sun that rose over our East wall and lit up our added-on askew cottage.' Whatever words you choose, one needs just a glimpse of characters and setting.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The same things are repeated, the sun, the smile, the anguish that nobody can comprehend and the isolation and inability to live. All perfectly 'real' emotions, yet it is true that unless one is drawn into the emotion, people will not linger over grief or grieving. Don't tell, show.

"The day of your funeral arrives and It is fitting that there are black clouds overhead with no sun in sight. That’s how I’ve been feeling since the day my smile left as the horror unfolded before my eyes." That could become: "Outside the funeral service somebody handed me an umbrella, murmuring that it was so cloudy it might rain. To tell you the truth I hadn't noticed; since the day you left, it's all been grey to me." 40 and 38 words respectively, I think there's not much difference in information imparted. You can, of course come up with whatever you want, if you feel you need to.

BTW - the 'it', why is it capitalized?

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: If a contest entry states the prompt and the word count I feel it makes the job of a reviewer easy. The reader might be satisfied with just the read, the reviewer needs to know how innovative the response was to the prompt, how fitting too. If most of the words available were made use of, whether any remained to rectify some lacunae? I have seen 600 word entires to a 1000 or under requirement. But that entry must be immaculate in concept delivery, character presentation, setting creation, problem resolution, in short, in all aspects. Verbose expansion is not what I would recommend, but if the words are available, explore strengthening. I actually do the opposite, I first write, write, write. Then I go back and prune the 'extras', it seems to work - some of the time, at least!


*Flower5* What I liked: The stark emotion drips from every line, the raw feelings are real to anyone who has experienced loss. It is difficult to judge a writing this personal. If it is based on real events, I am sorry for my intrusion. If not, you created that picture in a very plausible way.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"That’s how I’ve been feeling since the day my smile left as the horror unfolded before my eyes." The image of a smile leaving is a repeat, but it can still be effective. To add the other repeat, of a horror unfolding before the eyes, negates both.

"The service ends and the crowds filter out." If a crowd thins out, or files out, or even disappears, I'd understand. To filter means, some things are retained, some are discarded, who was which? Did the family stay back? Did friends?It is not clear

"Reality sinks in and I know that this nightmare will forever haunt my dreams. I may never sleep until next we meet." To remark in a lighter vein, at least if he never sleeps, he won't have nightmares! *Laugh* To prevent quibblers like me pointing that out, you could consider mentioning something about life becoming a 'waking nightmare'.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

Jyo
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