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2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
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51
51
Review of story pt 2  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello havenmarie Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing celebration for WDC's Power Reviewers.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* What Drew Me In: As part of a tribute to WdC, my reviewing group does a 'raid' each month, we try to pick items from the items up for a requested review or those written by new members on site. You might be a seasoned writer or an octogenarian but here you're new-born - or a matter of days old! Welcome to this wonderful site and hope you find it as rewarding as I have!

*Flower5* The General Impression: it is one large block of words, there's no attempt at spacing. Using paragraphs, sets of sentences about one facet of the whole, serves to allow the reader to go through it step-by-step. Use of inter-paragraph one line spacing and line indents, cleans up the look. If it is easy to read, more will get through to the end. Would you have written an examination answer thus? Or presented a report the same way?

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: it is brief passionate encounter that we are allowed to glimpse. Your content rating seems apt at 18+. So you have navigated your way through this site and its rules far quicker than I did.

I love the image created by "Heated and smoky his breath leaves hangman’s lips," *Thumbsupr*

Other than the one typo highlighted below, there are no spelling mistakes or errors. Well done.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: The 'intro' or brief introduction is meant to give a kind of billboard where you attract a potential reader by mentioning something about what lies within. To not use its full potential is your choice, but to fill it in with gibberish is questionable. if at a loss for what to say, tell us if it is a first attempt, a WIP, why you wrote it, how many words it has, whether you mean to be funny or serious or poignant -- you get my drift, right?

The title too can entice a reader withing - in terms of appeal, which do you think scores higher - "story pt2" or "Time Passes"? Neither says anything extraordinary, but the latter gives some idea of what to expect.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

Just a couple of examples:

"as her eyes feast upon the feral brilliance that he brings to her visure." Spell-check ,either on MS Word, or onsite, had no feasible suggestion as alternative - what was the word you intended to use?

"Unwrapped, my garments lay strewn " If there is not to be a confusion of tense jump, the word is better written as 'lie'.

"Thoughts that once swam with thoughts of flowers and the rain and the delicate veins in his too capable hands" ... it starts, and goes on to end:... "hold me now consolidate and head south for the winter that the work week will bring." the sentence was too full of conflicting images and description, too laden with emotion. It completely lost me. Many of your sentences would be crisp and clear if divided into two, even three, shorter ones.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1814780 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
52
52
Review of Fluttering Hearts  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello ichichra, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing celebration for WDC's Power Reviewers.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I confess, I have been picking B'day contests to review. But I am picking only 5, you are one of those because:
1. I have ‘met’ you in another on-going contest for the same celebration, where we are both participants. So, howdy, buddy!
2. I am intrigued by your user handle, what does it mean - how were you inspired to choose it?
3. The image, fluttering butterflies that make a heart. There’s a suggested movement to fly away and re-form, just as a beating heart contracts and expands. Excellent work!


*Flower5* The General Impression: A very generously framed contest where the rule is simple - if it fits the current prompt - enter it! It is about finding a good story to read, that rewards the judges and reaffirms a writer. The current prompt is young love, and it will be interesting to read the entries.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: You are doing it all single-handed - I admire the dedication when I note that you are also currently entered in a gruelling month long contest. The prizes are sufficient to entice participants and there's a commitment to deliver them, although there is an appeal for donations. Simple rules, well explained in that other contest limitations are named as not being applied here - like older entries, awarded items, or re-entering previous round writes. So, just about anyone can enter!

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: What should a contest do - search for good writing and hold it up for praise? Or stimulate the writer to think, often at lightning speed, (as in Cramp),; or even stretch themselves by giving strict prompts? Well, I guess there's room for all types on WdC, and there's some benefit in each!/c}


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

I did not see any glaring mistakes that detract from this contest!

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1814780 Unavailable **
53
53
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Legerdemain Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing celebration for WDC's Power Reviewers.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* What Drew Me In: To think up a different way to host this must be a challenge - yet our intrepid Seniors, our noble pruple Mods, do this every year. I, on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers, salute you tireless monitors who selflessly perform this task, perhaps to the level of not being able to find for much contest entry themselves!

*Flower5* The General Impression: I had participated in one breathless challenge a couple of years back - it was as frenzied as entering the Writer's Cramp, and all the stories had to have the same central character. This year had a more gentle pace with a focus on reaching out and learning about the community, the different items on offer, welcoming newbies, promoting activity. It was developing spirit rather than skill.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: Just one short of a half-century! I wish I had brought my intentions to fruit, I got distracted by the many other things going on though! More than 20 completed all levels, well done!The images had to be attractive with you at the helm, have I mentioned I admire your skill? Sufficient reward for completion, chance of a greater prize. Clear rules, simple and concise.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: Wait - it runs till the 10th? You might yet reach the fifty!


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

The inverted hat works well for the banner, at the bottom right corner. But on the separator, I thought two uprights might have been a better choice. The party spirit is best expressed with the a tipped or upright one, the other looks tipsy to me!*Laugh*

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Animated Images For Use By Premium+ Only **
54
54
Review of Birthday Raffle  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Diane Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing celebration for WDC's Power Reviewers.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* What Drew Me In: WDC and Party Central have been reverberating with celebrations over the past week; as we get ready to pick up streamers and confetti, Power reviewers want to applaud the worker bees! It's a birthday activity that you have been carrying out on a continuous basis but I wonder if you know how much the dedication and generosity is appreciated?

*Flower5* The General Impression: Raffles are a chance for a big prize in return for a small outlay - here the only outlay required is participation. A selfless promotion that rewards the many others who also support WdC. Participants are doubly rewarded.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: The prize is humongous. Anybody can win, any level of skill, it's pure luck at play. The image is clear - how many years, what the event is and to whom the tribute. The tickets below in varicoloured glory reiterate that this is a draw, a game of chance. The rules are simple and explained in sufficient detail without waffling on to confusion.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: I just wondered one thing - if a contest is month long, with one entry a day. Does one enter only those for birthday week or all 30?


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

Queries are asked to be directed to the creator of the forum, non-entry posts will be deleted. It might help to also have one or to deputed helpers to deal with the flood of query mail that would result, on top of your regular deluge. *Laugh*


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1814780 Unavailable **
55
55
Review of how to move  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Rhyssa Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for SAJ.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

Believe it or not - this is my third attempt to send you a review, the internet malfunctioning ate one between preview and save. Another inexplicably disappeared except for about 5 or 6 characters, which must have bewildered you when it appeared as 'review' in your mail! But, if it is less than inspired - please forgive me for not rising to the level of tribute that I intend it to be:

*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I am always game to read a poem of yours but many things about this intrigued me: The lack of title case, the implication of instruction manual in the title that contradicted the delicate imagery in poetry, and the reference to the five stages of grief in the intro.

*Flower5* The General Impression: Free verse tabulated and paralleling the five documented stages of grief whilst still managing to instruct on how to move. *Thumbsupl*


*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: Eschewing my preset template in an attempt to give you the same format as tribute to your superb write:
1. Denial: No, you can't be HUMAN. Confess, you're actually a program written to draw upon all the poetry known to date and which analyzes styles and forms of poets past and present. (There will be no future ones of course, only similar programs that will eclipse mere human effort0
2. Anger: *Angry**Frown**Pthb* I think that’s all I can express, because you cannot see me flounce out of the room, hear me slam the door, or duck a ceramic keepsake thrown at your head!. Actually, in the far off days when we actually wrote with pen on paper, I might also have left a petulant trail of ink splots*Dropbl* *Dropbl* from the former across the latter! But in this *Laptop* age such freaks would be too Hello Rhyssa Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for SAJ.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

Believe it or not - this is my third attempt to send you a review, the internet malfunctioning ate one between preview and save. Another inexplicably disappeared except for about 5 or 6 characters, which must have bewildered you when it appeared as 'review' in your mail! But, if it is less than inspired - please forgive me for not rising to the level of tribute that I intend it to be:

*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I am always game to read a poem of yours but many things about this intrigued me: The lack of title case, the implication of instruction manual in the title that contradicted the delicate imagery in poetry, and the reference to the five stages of grief in the intro.

*Flower5* The General Impression: Free verse tabulated and paralleling the five documented stages of grief whilst still managing to instruct on how to move. *Thumbsupl*


*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: Eschewing my preset template in an attempt to give you the same format as tribute to your superb write:
1. Denial: No, you can't be HUMAN. Confess, you're actually a program written to draw upon all the poetry known to date and which analyzes styles and forms of poets past and present. (There will be no future ones of course, only similar programs that will eclipse mere human effort0
2. Anger: *Angry**Frown**Pthb* I think that’s all I can express, because you cannot see me flounce out of the room, hear me slam the door, or duck a ceramic keepsake thrown at your head!. Actually, in the far off days when we actually wrote with pen on paper, I might also have left a petulant trail of ink splots from the former across the latter! But in this *Laptop* age such Hello Rhyssa Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for SAJ.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

Believe it or not - this is my third attempt to send you a review, the internet malfunctioning ate one between preview and save. Another inexplicably disappeared except for about 5 or 6 characters, which must have bewildered you when it appeared as 'review' in your mail! But, if it is less than inspired - please forgive me for not rising to the level of tribute that I intend it to be:

*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I am always game to read a poem of yours but many things about this intrigued me: The lack of title case, the implication of instruction manual in the title that contradicted the delicate imagery in poetry, and the reference to the five stages of grief in the intro.

*Flower5* The General Impression: Free verse tabulated and paralleling the five documented stages of grief whilst still managing to instruct on how to move. *Thumbsupl*


*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: Eschewing my preset template in an attempt to give you the same format as tribute to your superb write:
1. Denial: No, you can't be HUMAN. Confess, you're actually a program written to draw upon all the poetry known to date and which analyzes styles and forms of poets past and present. (There will be no future ones of course, only similar programs that will eclipse mere human effort0
2. Anger: *Angry**Frown**Pthb* I think that’s all I can express, because you cannot see me flounce out of the room, hear me slam the door, or duck a ceramic keepsake thrown at your head!. Actually, in the far off days when we actually wrote with pen on paper, I might also have left a petulant trail of ink splots from the former across the latter! But in this *Laptop* age such freaks would be too costly and I have to content myself with making those virtual faces at you! *Poison* *Radioactive*
3. Bargaining: If I the Devil were interested in the bargain, and assuming he deemed my rather worn soul worthy, I might consider a trade for such facile ease with words and forms. No, wait, I mightn’t either, both folklore and experience have taught me that it is not the petitioner who profits in such Faustian bargain! *Laugh*
4. Depression/Despair: For the feeling I have is way beyond depression, it’s like seeing this yawning pit so wide so deep, aware of being a flightless human being. Know where I can buy a bolt of sackcloth and a heap of ashes? *Cry* is too bright an emotion – where’s e:curlingupintoaball?
5. Acceptance: Well, I may be a lesser poet but that doesn’t make me a lesser human being. I manage halfway okay at writing stories, kind people have read them and some have even liked them! And I do make the most luscious brownies – the kind with a lovely cracked top that you can bite into with deceptive ease – then the goo-ey center of rich chocolate melts over your tongue! *Laugh*
So, go to it gal, and I’ll be there to cheer you on!

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: See, this is where reviewing helps both the reviewer and the writer - I have learned a lot from the review: Keep trying, keep stretching, you may fall - but no one can stop you from getting up again!


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

Only the first verse has a period ending the last line/sentence, any reason for that distinction?

One more question - was the use of lower case, the eschewing of capitals altogether, a known device? Or was it some kind of psychological statement that diminishes self?



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable ** freaks would be too costly and I have to content myself with making those virtual faces at you
3. Bargaining: If I the Devil were interested in the bargain, and assuming he deemed my rather worn soul worthy, I might consider a trade for such facile ease with words and forms. No, wait, I mightn’t either, both folklore and experience have taught me that it is not the petitioner who profits in such Faustian bargain! *Laugh*
4. Depression/Despair: For the feeling I have is way beyond depression, it’s like seeing this yawning pit so wide so deep, aware of being a flightless human being. Know where I can buy a bolt of sackcloth and a heap of ashes? *Cry* is too bright an emotion – where’s e:curlingupintoaball?
5. Acceptance: Well, I may be a lesser poet but that doesn’t make me a lesser human being. I manage halfway okay at writing stories, kind people have read them and some have even liked them! And I do make the most luscious brownies – the kind with a lovely cracked top that you can bite into with deceptive ease – then the goo-ey center of rich chocolate melts over your tongue! *Laugh*
So, go to it gal, and I’ll be there to cheer you on!

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: See, this is where reviewing helps both the reviewer and the writer - I have learned a lot from the review: Keep trying, keep stretching, yoou may fall - but no one can stop you from getting up again!


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

Only the first verse has a period ending the last line/sentence, any reason for that distinction?

One more question - was the use of lower case, the eschewing of capitals altogether a known device? Or was it some kind of psychological statement that diminishes self?



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable ** costly and I have to content myself with making these virtual faces at you
3. Bargaining: If I the Devil were interested in the bargain, and assuming he deemed my rather worn soul worthy, I might consider a trade for such facile ease with words and forms. No, wait, I mightn’t either, both folklore and experience have taught me that it is not the petitioner who profits in such Faustian bargains! *Laugh*
4. Depression/Despair: For the feeling I have is way beyond depression, it’s like seeing this yawning pit so wide so deep, aware of being a flightless human being. Know where I can buy a bolt of sackcloth and a heap of ashes? *Cry* is too bright an emotion – where’s e:curlingupintoaball?
5. Acceptance: Well, I may be a lesser poet but that doesn’t make me a lesser human being. I manage halfway okay at writing stories, kind people have read them and some have even liked them! And I do make the most luscious brownies – the kind with a lovely cracked top that you can bite into with deceptive ease – then the goo-ey center of rich chocolate melts over your tongue! *Laugh*
So, go to it gal, and I’ll be there to cheer you on!

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: See, this is where reviewing helps both the reviewer and the writer - I have learned a lot from the review: Keep trying, keep stretching, you may fall - but no one can stop you from getting up again!


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

Only the first verse has a period ending the last line/sentence, any reason for that distinction?

One more question - was the use of lower case, the eschewing of capitals altogether a known device? Or was it some kind of psychological statement that diminishes self?



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
56
56
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for SAJ.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I think I must seek punishment, as retribution for the past sins of avoiding reviewing poetry. I am trying to expand my repertoire though and love your work for the comedy you bring to this form of writing. Always difficult to combine something meant to have ethereal flights with the more earthy levels of comedy.

*Flower5* The General Impression: I have read other works of yours that I felt were sublime – but even the feebler effort from you sails far above the perspiring contributions of lesser beings such as myself. Quatrains are the most popular choice – they make for easy rhythm when read aloud. This has end rhyme in abcb patter with 8-6-8-6 meter. The prompt asks for a ‘How-to’ instructions and the subject chosen is the commonly seen martial marital combat.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: There are any number of jokes/adages worked into it, the fact that one has heard those punch lines before does not make the deft usage less appreciable. I chuckled over the ‘middle ground’ one! I found an association with the words 'Dissembling' & 'Dis-assembly' (from the title) and intended or not, the implied extra meaning worked to create interest in reading this.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: I have recently read another poem where the ubiquitous headache was used to better effect, so this one made less of an impact. It is not derivative, I think, to reuse a device that was never copy-righted in the first instance. But, for a reader, unsolicited encores are not applauded as heartily.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"She says that raising up my voice" ’ Raising up’ is a tautology; it has the same redundancy as ‘returning back’. Try something like: “Sneering she says, “Raising your voice …”. Of course, the POV in the next line would change. Then the next two could be a grumbling unvoiced retort in italics.

" There’s something in male D.N.A.
that makes us want to fight.
Four words can re-sequence my genes:"

Should one require poetry to make clear sense? Well, yes, if you drag science into it. Males differ from Females by virtue of the ‘Y” chromosome, the referencing to gene sequencing seems irrelevant, for mere re-arrangement of the available material would not take away the maleness/desire to fight. Y is less than X and needs addition to reach there, no? Anyway, the whole thing made me so unsure of the meaning that I almost missed the humour! However, if you use ‘modify’ rather than re-sequence, one can skim over details and reach the humour. Just a hesitant suggestion, maestro!

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
57
57
Review of The Surprise  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon }, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing celebration for RAOK and I found your Item entered for a contest.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: The title promised a surprise and the intro intrigues me. But my ego is deflated! Well, I thought I'd give all the other contestants a review. But I am being severely punished for my good intentions, the road to Hell is surely paved with 'em! I reviewed Rhyssa and was blown away by her Caroll Walrus parody. And now yours - a Decuain? I can't even get my tongue around that!

*Flower5* The General Impression: I was prepared to have to beg Google to help me out, but you did not leave me even that to do! A note under the write explained this complicated form with its intricate rhyme pattern and iambic pentameter. But its not technique or device heavy, the poem reads easily and the meaning, the story, flows well. Prompt is perfectly followed.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: It's about a surprise gift that's been waiting for one, not allowed to peek until the day - it contains something wanted, but something for which one would never ask! I read a bunch of woman centric ones and to see the other side of the picture was a welcome change! And there's a twist in the tale - a lovely humourous parting shot!

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: I think I shall try the neighbourhood store for three yards of sackcloth and three pounds of ashes! I'm renouncing the world, of any pretensions to being able to write poetry! Unless ... d'you think if I keep trying I can be halfway as good? *Laugh*


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: The only suggestion I have is kind of redundant, you will keep on writing! I shall keep reading, with pleasure!


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
My Muse, as she reviews, writes, reads.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
58
58
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello ~MM~ Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for SAJ.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I know, I know – I said I was done and I swear I was out, even ignoring the dessert trolley items! But a re-write? If your writes were enjoyable, what must the re-write be like? It was like a showing a replete lion this Michelin- starred Chef just leaving his jungle – he’s satiated but he might never have the opportunity again!

*Flower5* The General Impression: It is set in the future, not too far, genome sequencing is already here and if aliens come along, it is conceivable we can do them with a little projection of current technology. Holograms and video - conferencing ditto. The same old issues of devoted scientist neglecting children and spouse – raking up familiar conflicts of Comfort against Quality Time.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: For the original prompt – was it a pre-Nano challenge – it was perfect. It gave us the back-story and showed it to us, not merely told us. The interaction and dialogue, the progress of conversation, all believable. *Thumbsupr* *BTW I loved the simile you use when Starkov says he cannot drop his research like …! *Laugh*

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: I am getting hyper-critical now, but I think you have enough word count to make this a STORY. To let us see more than just this slice of a whole. To at least suggest a resolution, maybe to turn the antagonist into protagonist? Personally, I’d also like to see a problem or emotion in there that was unique to that culture and time. Like Asimov introducing agoraphobia as a natural reaction in the future as humans moved into man-made structures that completely enclosed them all the time. *The same simile that cracked me up made me think - the occupation description could have be subtly altered to reflect the changed transportation of the future.

You might want to consider paragraphs with dialogue on separate lines. And a one line space in between paras. It looks much neater that way and makes for easy reading.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"Purple and lurid, it stood proud from Starkov’s throat, pulsing in time to his heartbeat." The frst few synonyms for lurid are: loud, bright, colourful, garish, striking. I don’t think that quite fits what you are trying to say here. Great word choice and vivid but not right for this situation. Also ‘standing proud’ – the emotion does not match the tension and anxiety he is feeling, use a simile or metaphor that befits that mood. Lastly, all pulses are in time to the heartbeat, as description it is trite. I would not dissect this so mercilessly except that it is part of the opening. Beginnings make an impact and must therefore be crisp and crystal clear.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Click Here  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello ~MM~ Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for SAJ.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I have reviewed some other writes of yours and liked the samples - I came back for another taste! Writer's Cramp comes up with prompts which are wonderful stimuli for a writer's inspired work. I also love Sci-fi and you mixed Dark into that!

*Flower5* The General Impression: This fulfilled the prompt brilliantly and the future world is seen with shades of the Big-brother complex that all techno-gains evoke. The protagonist must move from a postion of victim without resources to ultimate goal, using only his ingenuity. The end is suggested but not shown.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: The title did it! “Click!” - terse, commanding, suggestive – I obeyed it implicitly and opened to read. I loved the way you worked in a few of today's irritants (pop-up ads) into the future. I think the projection into the future is is far enough to be fantasy and close enough to be real. Well done. The change in vocabulary was subtle but enough to suggest the natural evolution of language, especially shortening of longer frequently used words.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: The prompt itself was derivative, there have been movies based on similar premises, Not Arnold Schwarzenegger's Total Recall merely but Ben Affleck's Paycheck too. The latter has many similar elements. I am sure yours is not derivative, but it later seemed like a 'been there-done that' which diluted the impact of this well crafted tale. That is not to say I did not enjoy the read!


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

" I frown, my finger hovering over the article. The Citizen's Daily isn't renown for Easter Eggs" The ‘isn’t’ keeps it in the present, the ‘renown’ appears out of place. I’d suggest replacing it with ‘known’ or using ‘renowned’.

You have: " Get yourself over to Tosser's" & “And Taoser (ol' Tosspot Tao” While the nickname ‘Tosser’ may be a pun on the name Taoser, or derived from the ‘Tosspot’ or a combination of both, the use of confusing similar names/terms is not conducive to retaining reader attention. How many can one use in a short narrative without needless loss of clarity?

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello rhyssa, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am found your item as one of the competing entries in a contest I've entered.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: Your reviews of my work demanded that I return the favour - but I wish I hadn't picked this one, much as the title and intro captured my attention! I wanted to whine like a little child," but I wanted to do that!" Then I was wishing I'd done it after writing my own, fearing it would be derivative! At the very end I wanted to just stop trying, give up - abdicate (not that I was ever enthroned!) - concede defeat! Any or all of those! But I love Lewis Caroll and that particular ditty too.

*Flower5* The General Impression: The orginal nonsense rhyme was LC (or CD if you prefer) at his flowing best! I think you have taken this way past semi-parody to full tribute!

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: Nonsense that made sense, and was hilarious too. I just loved the pun on the word 'catch', using it for both colds and oysters! i shan't say more or the review will be full of spoilers - but this is one of the frothiest fruitiest funny poetry I've read! Impeccable rhyme and rhythm - I didn't count syllables, but reading it aloud had absolutely no hitches in sing-along flow.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: Will I ever be able to write like this? There was a young poet named Rhyssa, onsite it's difficult to miss her, She smiles, "say when!" as words flow from pen, in tribute I'd like to kiss her! (Some poetic license there - but accept a hug instead?) *Hug1**Hug**Hug2*

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

Only one suggestion, keep inviting me into your port! Oh, keep on writing - but you don't need me to tell you that! *Bigsmile*

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
My Muse, as she reviews, writes, reads.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
61
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In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Geoff Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for SAJ.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I was anyway going to look up the word but loved the challenging intro that refused to gratify curiosity but demanded effort on the part of the reviewer. A short story becoming longer - some of my tales are just writhing in torment because I won't expand them! So glad you gave this one wings.

*Flower5* The General Impression: I guess it would be a spoiler to spell out what anomie means, suffice it to say it promises a slickly thought out fantasy.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: I was eager to jump into the read – I expected a Fantasy or Sci-Fi tale about gradual anarchy or struggle between multiple conflicting forces at the least. I salivated at the feast in store – suggested by the confidence in title and intro.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: There’s a whole paragraph of information about how many stories in the buildings, exactly how wide the sidewalk, the gravel path, the distance between the buildings – only to end by saying none of the information is important to the story. If one character was telling another this and then said the same thing, it might be humourous. As it stands, it only irritated.

There are tense jumps too – the first para is definitely in past tense – ”The man walked into the area”. Yet, a little later on it jumps into the present tense:”The man is looking down at the sidewalk”

One has only so much time to hold the reader within the page by generating a flow of story. I thought this took too long to reach that point. I realized rather late that it seemed to be more like notes for a future write, a skeleton to be fleshed out from the ideas present.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: Just a couple of examples.

"the red brick from which they were constructed was withered like the weathered scales of some large red beast, the mortar between the bricks discolored by green mold and what appeared to be some of the red blood leaking out of the aging brick." I love descriptive passages, but there are times when less is more! Bricks that wither like leaves or living things, weathered like ‘the scales of some large red beast’, and then red blood leaking out? Not to mention a little contrast of green mold. The images clashed and refused to meld into a vivid whole. But maybe that’s just my perception. You can, if you wish, choose one metaphor and run with it.

"His joints are not in the best of condition because he is older than he was in the past." I have heard the phrase ‘I am not so young as I used to be’ and even that only evoked a reaction of, ‘Aren’t we all?’

I’m not doing a line by line edit but would be willing to come back and re-rate or review anytime you feel it is finished.

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
62
62
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello ~MM~ Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for SAJ.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I have already started liking this variety of mushroom. It's no midget talent either. Fantasy, dragons, dance, contest entry - what's not to like?

*Flower5* The General Impression: Interesting interpretation of the prompt. It helps to have one character explain things to another in a fantasy, the details can unfold without bald narration. The dialogue and interaction make it interesting.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: Like I said, you had already ticked all the right boxes before I read this, afterwards I was glad I had jumped right in, the dip was delicious and stimulating! There might be little niggles and quibbles but the tale grips one sufficiently for them to be ignored until the second read. Some of the descriptions were superb, simple of themselves, yet evoking clear images - "and an acrid whiff of flamegrass rose up" it immediately made me think of exotic dragon fodder. Herbivorous young dragons, another wonderful leap of imagination! *Thumbsupr*

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: Bann asks Mica if she's seen a pair of dragons bond - considering that a lot of the information is based on 'artist's impressions' and lectures, her job not being actively involving them either, the answer is surely negative? What if he said something like: 'Well, it's hard to explain, if you've never seen a pair of dragons bond.'? Then again Cam has had 'limited success' with rearing dragons, but that means he has reared some. So if only 'wild ones' dance, shouldn't the natural conclusion to that also be not seen in domestic rearing? I'd be more explicit but don't want a spoiler creeping in. I wouldn't mention it except that the story revolves upon the bonding and breeding.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"that the sire is demonstrating him prowess;" 'His'.

"Once a gilt is ready to start breeding she’ll be approached by a number of sires" A sire is a sire, whether potential or true, but a gilt is not a dam until she has been ... mated? Then, in the second illustration, the dam landing on a tree branch is premature, she is still a gilt - right?


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Fancy Dress  Open in new Window.
for entry "The Cat's Tale" Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello ~MM~ Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for SAJ.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I am rather partial to kids tales, it has so much opportunity for observational humour or a good ol' heart-string pull! Contest entries also interest because of the stimulus a good prompt can give every writer. Lastly, the title of this entry, I have always been fascinated by pun-ny titles and I wondered if there was a tale/tail pun going on in there?

*Flower5* The General Impression: Giving voice to a pet, a cat's eye view of things! Amazing how we personify our pets - it would certainly be interesting to hear what they really think of us! The cattiness, pardon the expression, was well defined. *Laugh*

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: The things that are typical of cats, their aloof acceptance of human companionship in return for regular feeds and the occasional tummy rub and the chatty tone of the entire piece - *Thumbsupr*! The last line is superb, after the long rant to stop and then try to deviously convince someone the parrots are worth keeping - hilarious! The strict word count prevented you from developing this, but it was good enough for me to want more! If you ever turn it into a short story, I'm eager to read that!

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: I thought the beginning could have kept us in suspense for at least a few lines, without our guessing the narrator was a cat, except for that title! The names of all the parrots are not given, we know of just one and the 'twins'. There's room for a nasty comment on the name too. But, word count ... ah, that was probably the issue!

Some paragraphs could have been carved out there - or maybe it was just a spacing issue in between a couple of them?


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"I am very careful with, how shall I put it, the tray within which one relieves oneself"

'How should I put it' is better used when one is trying to express a feeling or opinion, 'what should I call it' is rather tame and even awkward, but better expresses the meaning required. The sentence has immense scope for puns and fun, go ahead and take another shot if you want to.

"She takes up entire room for her ablutions, whilst I make do with a quick lick-down on the sofa. "
I think it should be 'she takes up an entire room'. Also, the cat isn't forced to have that 'lick-down on the sofa', right? It's pure cat-choice. Maybe a word about how she wastes water and space when just a good lick-down would do, might show up differences in nature better?



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Tangled Web  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for SAJ.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: A contest for selected contestants, kind of like an Iron Chef or Professional sparring bouts! And the idea of a u-turn in space where movement has classically been described as lines and spirals! There's Horror promised too, delicious - like Chili Chocolate gastronomic creations.

*Flower5* The General Impression: Well defined setting and back-story, just enough delineation of characters, a classic set-up for the expected-unexpected. *Laugh*

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: Video shortened to Vid, it took us to a future where language has evolved. There's banter and camaraderie, there's faint hint of romance. The much needed contrasts to enhance the horror.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: I always wonder at the foolish intrepidity of protagonists in horror movies, moving into danger without taking care not to be caught!For an exploring expedition in the future I found it hard to swallow. Also the use of archaic terms like 'Aye aye Captain' and talk of creaking joints does not match with talk of cryo-beds and 4 year expeditions to Alpha Centauri's orbit.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"'I'd say we'd made a u-turn somewhere en route. This looks like Earth.'" The quote marks are replaced in certain views by this little diamond with a question mark in it. I've been having these font issues too where quote marks or commas seem to disappear after posting although they show up in preview panes. Or being absent in mail versions of a review but present in the actual review on the Public page. You're way too adept onsite to need me to tell you if it needs fixing or how to fix it.

Other than that - your usual impeccable formatting and editing leave me with less work! It's been a pleasure to peep back into your port!


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Last Request  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Lynda Miller Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for SAJ.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: ‘The Last request’ was poignant, and yet stark; it made a catchy title. One could see the general setting or direction of the tale but could still savour the myriad interpretations individual authors could give it.

*Flower5* The General Impression: There were no genres specified, so I do not know whether this was meant to scare or horrify, whether the assignment was short story or just slice-of-life incident. Benchmarks help decide if the piece met your own set standards. I found it a one scene description and thought the subject was one that held immense promise for graphic vivid depiction.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: I myself shy away from grim and dark, finding my irreverent thoughts pushing their way into my every scene. I appreciate someone being brave enough to take on such a task and doing a competent job. I think the character’s psychopathic and sadistic bent was shown well. It was the contrast that could have been heightened.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: Not knowing whether you wanted to give this the classic Beginning-Middle-End or Problem-Conflict-resolution, I cannot say these were lacking. Classic is such for a reason; it works best to give a sense of repletion and satiety.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"and his judgement seem to be off many times" I wonder if the correct word would be 'seemed'?

" some of the women were down right mean" Would that be ‘downright’?

" He heard the taping of footsteps as they walk to where he was." Tapping? Walked? Would it not be less awkward not to talk of footsteps walking? Make it ‘footsteps nearing him’?

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
66
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In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello G. B. Williams Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for SAJ.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: Well it's part of a shower, so being gifted one, you have - as the song says - 'somewhere somehow done something good'! There's a lot of poetry in your port and although I dabble in writing it, I don't feel qualified to offer meaningful feedback.

Short story, short story, my eyes were going down the list when they were caught by this title and intro. Public speaking is a skill that eludes many a good writer, I wondered if you had some insight that might help me hone a skill I lack. Then, the intro hit me, the word 'public' is written there as 'publice' - if I do nothing more than let you change that, it'll prevent the written equivalent of you venturing out with a soup-stain on your formal shirt!

*Flower5* The General Impression: This is a tribute, to a mother who encouraged her child to speak up and speak out.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: Anything that reminisces and appreciates those who have been instrumental in our progress to current situation is A-OK with me. Overcoming hurdles to reach pinnacles thought unattainable is also an attention grabber.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: I wanted to see some concrete suggestions or tips that one could emulate. I saw nothing beyond repeated recitation and constant practice. But the others who took part in the contests and settled for the second, third or just participation prizes also did the same. What lifted you to the coveted blues? I'd also have liked some anecdote, some description of child and woman, something to change this from mere narration to compelling tale.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"it is natural to be frightened for the first few minutes, but if you know your subject matter, you will get over the freight and settle right in" Spell check cannot catch those words that are not 'wrongly spelled' in that the word exists in that form, it's just not the word one intended to use. I think you mean 'fright' here, not 'freight'. You must have an eagle eye or be a disinterested observer to sift through the write and find these. We all have cause to be grateful to the legion of keen eyed reviewers that catch what slipped past at even tenth edit!

"Teachers worked with us on our strengths. We were not allowed to focus on our weaknesses." I pondered that statement, perhaps what you man was that no one was punished or blamed for weaknesses, or that brooding over failures was not encouraged? For it seems illogical to not strengthen and prop up weak points as well as hone and polish the strengths. I do not normally get into a debate on content, but because the overall idea is encouragement, I thought that should be spelled out with clarity.






Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
67
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In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Sierraric Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing celebration for RAOK.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I love twists in the tale. I had to think of which old legend was being alluded to in the intro and I blush to say I had to read a little way in before it clicked!

*Flower5* The General Impression: A new look indeed, at what many of us know in bare statement. It is important to know motivation, so I'm glad you shared this inspired version! There were some deft puns in there, I shan't give them away. But there's one right in the beginning, a repeat of another in the middle and a rather more obvious one at the end! All made me chuckle!

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: I appreciate someone working with an old tale, where the setting is all done and one has to keep within that framework. To then take it to greater heights and unexpected direction requires expertise!

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: The inter-paragraph spacing is all awry. When most document creating programs take care of this, with a couple of clicks in the format options, it seems careless to leave things untidy. Electronic reading makes this so obvious, too. Comma placements - I'm am a habitual offender myself, so I shan't dictate what and where - but do have someone take a second look.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
My Muse, as she reviews, writes, reads.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Number One Guy  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Kåre เลียม Enga Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing celebration for RAOK..

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* What Drew Me In: The title. It created an immediate expectation of a tale of someone in power, the use of the word 'guy' hinted at humour and the intro capped it with certainty of a few chuckles!

*Flower5* The General Impression: A short piece, a communication like e-mail or even the near defunct letter. Off-topic: Do people e-mail Santa nowadays?

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: I've done this at times, dashed off these missives, inspired by a single word or phrase in my family's original communication. I got a short story out my brother's irritating habit of saying 'No news is good news!'. So, I could empathize with the sitting down to pen a pun-ny letter! The bits about the elves and what might happen if Santa went on leave made me chortle.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: A tiny bit rude, but a dad to son missive could be excused for that. It took a lot of foot-notes for us to 'get' the gist and much of the humour.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: No quibbles, just one niggle!

"Blitzin' this and blitzin' that and then disappears with his friends all day. Frankly, I think they're having an affair" If he disappears with his friends,plural, he cannot be having an affair! Stands to reason, no?


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
69
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In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Simple Dykie Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing celebration for RAOK - I found your Item on the Auto-Reward page.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: I am picky about titles, I think this tool is left lamentably unused. So it made me happy to see how the deft insertion of 'just' lifts that title from scary to scary-funny. I love that genre, laughter is the best antidote to fear! Thank-you and well done! *Thumbsupl*

*Flower5* The Beginning: The whole write had me snorting and chuckling away to glory, even the latter part of the beginning *Rolleyes* (if that makes sense?) was worthy of mirthful recognition of mutual mundane level fears. But the beginning was statement, bland and ho-hum. Yes, back-story is important, but with your obvious skill you can kick-start the laughter from 'go'!

*Flower5* The Setting: Suburbia getting scary in the dark. Gosh, my living room gets scary in the dark! Flapping sleeves of the raincoat I threw over the dining room chair, the rustling of the biscuit wrapper I discarded behind the couch (that'll teach me not to be a slob!), there's enough to scare me into dehydration and rasping-throat-need before I brave the walk to the kitchen for water! (I'd keep a glass at my bedside but I invariably knock it over and drench my pillow or spill it on the tiled floor and go ker-plunk next morning!) But we were talking about Suburbia - I could co-relate to that, you've realized that! *Laugh*

*Flower5* The Characters: The Narrator is the main character but his dog comes in for a supporting role. Chase is a good name for a dog, especially when this is about taking the dog out for a walk. There is a deft inter-weaving of minor characters, the neighbours and even the mother-in-law!

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Some bits are exemplary - "a lone paper delivery man, who raced through empty streets as if fleeing some unknown horror" but others, even in close conjunction, are pedestrian or occasionally, confusing. Like: "we moved beneath a bright and eerie full moon" Why was a full moon eerie?

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: An enjoyable tale of night horrors that's told in a rollicking fast-paced chuckle generating way. It shows an incredible word wizardry.

*Flower5* What I liked: I've already said I like the genre. Snnnrgh-snrrgggggh-srg! That is me still sniggering away in recollection! Need I put it on paper that I enjoyed the read?

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:
Nothing at which to cavil, just one quibble and one niggle -

The word 'scary' was used and reused, if that was deliberate, fine. If not, there are handy options/synonyms in every document program and on-line thesauruses.

"It’s scary out there(,) man" Isn't there a need for a comma at that point, as shown by the brackets? I am on the run from the Grammar Police, being a habitual offender myself, for shoving those pesky squiggles in wherever I pause for breath when reading a sentence! I did explain, in my defense, that I can hold my breath for 52 seconds, but the judge wasn't listening!


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
My Muse, as she reviews, writes, reads.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello RDerbyshire Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing celebration for RAOK and I found your Item on the Review Request page.

You ask for quick thoughts on this one – please bear with me, mine are the rambling thoughts of an old fogy! This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

Thanks for telling me in advance what you want as feedback and what you'd rather was not assessed at all. It prevents my waffling on about what you'd rather not have mentioned at all.

*Flower5* The Title: This title worked on the Review Request page. It told me what type of story it was and since I have a healthy respect for the WDC stimulation of good writing, I wanted to see where it got you. Later on, though, you could consider giving it an eye-catching heading.

*Flower5* The Beginning: A short piece and yet the elements are all in place – we drop into the heart of the action without constraint and get to know the protagonist seamlessly.

*Flower5* The Setting: I was rocking and swaying in the helicopter, panicking along with the rabbi. There were a couple of rambling sentences though: “Strangely comforting and recognisable, he almost felt empathy, and would have if not for the fact that each time his eyes trained towards the spinning propellers” ‘Almost felt empathy’, and ‘would have but’, are qualifying phrases that add nothing to the picture. And why would the age be comforting, surely the older it was, the more nerve-racking it would be to ride in it? Why not make it: “He felt no empathy towards another ancient, each time he trained eyes upon…’. Your decision always, this is mere example of how a different construction might resound.

*Flower5* The Characters:The rabbi is elderly, Annabel is his grand-daughter. That’s all we are told, that’s all we know. If that is all that is needed, or intended, fine. But I think it would rack itself up a couple of notches if we could see the Rabbi’s perspiration slick bald dome, or Annabel’s attitude in either gum-popping indifference, or a compassionate glance from her (whatever coloured) eyes. Or even some reaction as she presses ‘send’ for her SMS – mirth, glee, irritation – you choose!

*Flower5* The Descriptions: There are some exemplary bits, like the way you introduced the roulette wheel. However, there’s a wee bit if extra telling’ I am not against adverbs in toto, but without word constraint, eschewing some of them heightens description. ‘Silently wading through the crowd’ and ‘ducking, embarrassed and silent, through the crowd’ – which do you feel makes a better picture? Your choice can be any other variation, too.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: To be given a set of prompts, disparate entities, and told to weld them into a coherent whole – well, that’s a challenging task. I’ve enjoyed finding where they took you. If the place setting was a helicopter, the rest of the prompts had to fit into it, no matter how incongruous. The protagonist – Elderly Rabbi *Check2* The Object: Roulette Wheel, used as one deft description rather than in actuality, a big plus! *Thumbsup**Check2* The Smell: Used in one soaring flight of inspiration, but not within the place setting. *Confused**QuestionR* I’m ambivalent on that one, but if I were judging, I would give higher marks to someone who kept it within the place setting.

*Flower5* What I liked: Well, it twisted and twisted again! It left me smiling at the end. Excellent choice of rounding off the tale, the terse message! I only wondered why the lapse into Cockney with the disappearing aitches? Or is that the lingo in SMS? *feelslikeprehistoricartifact* - I need that emoticon!

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: I’m omitting little things like comma placement and grammar here. Not only because you want just a quick impression but because I have been a habitual offender myself and am now on the run from the Grammar Police!

" panic plastered across his face from ear to ear, chin to brown" Was that chin to crown? I thought just the ear-to-ear was enough – picturing a travesty of a grin - a rictus of fear. To have the length of the face thrown in as well negated that.

"A small crowd had formed around the children’s ride, initially angry parents and impatient children but eventually camera phones outnumbered each." Since camera phones were not forming the crowd, why not have ‘… random passers-by brandishing camera phones now outnumbering both’?

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
My Muse, as she reviews, writes, reads.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Lynda Miller Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing celebration for SAJ reviewing activity.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: There’s a phrase used to signify annoyance and exasperation, sometimes with the use of ‘Mike’ instead of ‘God’ by those who do not take His name in vain. I thought the title was a deft variation on that, and it drew me in. In the end, it seemed without deeper meaning, but it had already done its job of enticing me within the read. So, I would still say it is a good title. Is your use of sentence case instead of title case deliberate? I would lean to the latter format merely because that second layer of meaning is then more apparent.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The aptly named dogs create and hold interest. I learned of a new breed too, pekeapooh, wasn’t it? (Why do many internet sources have it as Pekeapoo?) I was eager to read of their exploits.

*Flower5* The Setting: This was a bit lacking, I’d suggest changing a bit of the ‘Telling’ to ‘Showing’. The words are capitalized because they are not mere actions, but tools, which when wielded appropriately can magically suck the reader within a tale. Narration is not ‘wrong’ per se, it just has to be judiciously used. May I venture an example? Say, the opening line: “At one time my husband and I were the proud owners of two small dogs” How would it be if it read something like: “My children were away at college but my husband and I had no time to ponder on an empty nest. Our days and hearts were full – with two little dogs and their antics.” Same information, (okay I took some liberty with that empty nest thing! *Laugh*) but more vivid image, it will certainly nudge one to read further.

*Flower5* The Characters: Tidbit and Dusty came across as endearing – I loved the fact that there was a bonding between the two and that one helped the other, much as siblings unite ‘against’ parental diktat!

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I think I can serve you best by using another example to explain why I feel this was a shade underdone.

“When we finished, we were so full we left everything on the dining room table.” I’d like to ‘see’ that table, just giving you an idea of the direction it could take: "The table had been heaped with delicacies, groaning under the plentitude to which we were giving thanks. Now, with just a pie crust or two, the forlorn remains of a once stuffed duck, the mere spoonfuls left of my popular potato salad, it was we who were groaning about overfull stomachs. We decided to leave the clearing away for an indefinite future, if we lived that long!” Your choice of description and relation, this is mere example.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Well you call it a short story, so I shall assume that’s what you intend it to be judged as: a non-fictional account of a humourous incident that nevertheless professes to have the required elements. But did it? Was there a clear-cut progress – even jokes have a situation, a suspense and the punch line – from some problem to its resolution? It is not impossible if you lay emphasis on the instinctive semi-parental denial that many dog-owners have when told of past or potential misbehaviour. There could be a gentle pity and lots of helpful advice for those with less well behaved canines and then the ending incident could sign off on their dropping jaw and the laughter of the others! It may not have happened that way in real life, but there’s no harm in embellishing fact a little to make the read more enjoyable!

*Flower5* What I liked: I love tales about animals, I would swap stories with you ad infinitum, if given the opportunity, but not right now! This was a gently humorous narration and it struck home, we can all relate to similar experiences with our offspring, canine or otherwise!

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

Well, I could not find any typos or errors, this shows the care with which the tale is presented. Just a little more description and it would soar to the heights of the wonderful from the platform of the merely good. Maybe just one parting word of advice – the prudent avoid making bald statements characterizing things as the ‘funniest ever’ or ‘cleverest’ or any other superlative, no matter how true it is from the personal perspective. It's best not to create expectations or benchmarks against which the tale will be judged.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **


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Review of The Paper  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Liam Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing celebration for SAJ reviewing activity.


This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: I think this was effective, mainly because the unlikely hero of this tale also says very little, at the appropriate times. Whether deliberate or incidental, it nevertheless impresses.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning gave the back-story in complete detail, but took a long time to create setting. The characters also trickled in later. So it did part of the job, but could have done more. If there was no word restriction then some amount of description would raise the bar.

*Flower5* The Setting: I am not going to criticize what was in the end an entertaining and unusual tale, the leap of imagination itself deserves praise. But, when re-reading it yourself, do you feel this is a vivid picture evoking tale? Can you see what happens. Where it happens? Not as narrator, but as reader?

*Flower5* The Characters: Other than the Man in The Blue Suit, therre’s only Charlie Hudson who is of significance. Yet in the first half, it is the other persona who stands out. Most of that importance is by way of action, but he has at least a modicum of description. Laura is a mere name.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I have just been cribbing about that, have I not? In a thousand plus word story, not to have the characters and setting described is frustrating. I have seen 55 word stories that managed it! Try doing a count of how many of those 1000+ words are adjectives, it will demonstrate how much is telling and how much showing.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I read a tale once about this magic bottle that granted all wishes, it has only three provisos, it cannot grant immortality, if you possess it when you die the devil gets your soul, and you cannot give it away – it must be sold, and for a loss! How it comes into someone's life, gets passed on after some years and how he is forced to buy it back – for one cent! Yet, the ending is not one of despair. I found your tale had a similar uniquely powerful magical tool, and a similar passing on of the power, although the end is more hopeful.

*Flower5* What I liked: Oh, the unique concept, the direction of the tale. If at all I wanted more it was because it had so much potential.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"After the stranger gave it to him he wished him good fortune and left." The pronouns confuse, because there are two males interacting. Suppose you worded it: “After giving him the paper and wishing him good fortune, the stranger left.”

" None-the-less, he dialed the telephone number " I have normally seen it written as ‘nonetheless’; it may be that both forms are acceptable.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **


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In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello G. B. Williams Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for SAJ.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: It creates an immediate and attractive picture, one that hints at deeper meaning, an emotional relief after darker times. Well done! A Title is so much more important in poetry than in short stories, much as well chosen headwear is more important socially rather than professionally.

*Flower5* Rhyming: I’m partial to rhyme in any situation, from the accidental auditory pleasure to deliberate creation of poetry. From Dr Seuss’ Cat in the Hat and Ogden Nash, to Keats, Wordsworth and Shakespeare, I enjoy them all. Novices rarely go beyond the basic end rhymes. You chose to use assonance too. It added an extra level to the experience!

*Flower5* Meter: I learned meter on WDC! It’s such a nifty device – all our most pleasing rhymes and nursery poetry have at least a modicum of this in natural cadence. Counting syllables and stress ensures that rhythm. It makes poetry pleasing to the ear as well. You can choose to leave it out, there’s no rule that says it has to be there.

*Flower5* Grammar: Poetry, and grammar? Punctuation? Well, imagine laying out the poem in sentences and paragraphs, unbroken into verse. Punctuate it now and then break it back into the verses – voila! You can get away with a misplaced word or two, but perfect grammar please both ear and eye. This is just a minor quibble and many choose to end each line with a period or comma, or even without punctuation.

*Flower5* Poetry Form: I am no expert. Earlier in this review I said I liked rhymes – that is about the limit of my ability. So forgive me if I sate that I discerned no particular ‘form’.

*Flower5* Poem as a whole: If there is any attempt at known form or style, anything in the nature of prompt or exercise, it helps to let the reader know. Especially when expecting reviews. Not only does it increase the reader’s knowledge, but it might improve the feedback in those respects. I thought that, other than rhyming, there was not much attempted beyond that. Forgive me if I am wrong. I enjoyed the read and the various emotions and images evoked by the word and rhyme choices.

*Flower5* What I liked: The metaphors are effective and gladden one’s heart. It’s monsoon time here in India and the next time the sun peeps out after a gray day I shall think of this poem. Thank you!

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"The sun took charge of the mist and the rest" The mind immediately thought of a beaming efficient sun directing the mist and clouds away to other parts of the sky. I thought the same image was referred to once more, a few lines on. ‘Taking charge’, or ‘in charge’, the ideas are too similar to each other to do other than dilute each other.

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **


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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Gabriel Wolfbane Phoenix Author Icon }, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for SAJ. I see you are just past newbie status and in a way I envy you - the wonders of this site are going to be revealed to you and all the enjoyment is still in store for you! Have fun!

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..


*Flower5* The Title: For a fantasy tale this has the feel of a fairy tale type title. It is simple but that is not always a negative. You might consider how well incongruity of subject words works in conjunction though, as in, for example, "The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe"

*Flower5* The Beginning: Writing in the diary was an excellent choice to reveal back-story as opposed to internal thought or dialogue between characters. Well done!

*Flower5* The Setting: I think the expedition, the alpine setting, the mystery, the folk tale, all are well detailed here. if I felt there could have be a better choice of descriptive phrase or metaphor, it is only because I want this to achieve its full potential. A good tale deserves that extra polishing.

*Flower5* The Characters: These are mere stick figures yet, bare caricature. But I presume there is more to come? I will look forward to Boris and Schmidt (by the way, why is Schmidt the only one whose first name is unknown?) are more than large bullies and we learn how a small man like Eli can lead and direct them. When Maria can rise above being the token woman in the tale. But the plus point is that you have me waiting in all eagerness to learn all that.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The intention and opportunity are not fully developed into vivid imagery. Take for example: "The bridge was carved out of rocks from the mountain itself. It would seem as if a giant would be living on the other side of it." How would it be if this were just altered slightly - maybe something like: The rocky bridge seemed carved into the rocky face by strikes of a gigantic hammer, the leviathan waiting even now, on the other side.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Your tense jumps all over the place, specific examples are given below, but it is very important to keep this consistent both within smaller bits like paragraphs and as a whole. unless there is some flashback or back-story revealed, or a way of fusing future present and past into a coherent whole, and even then, the various times must be properly delineated.

*Flower5* What I liked: You have made me interested in what is going to happen next. So that's one goal achieved. Fantasy and science, folklore and fact, an excellent mix of genres and emotions. Well done!

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

" We talked to everyone in the town, but on one would say weather they had seen him or not" My fingers get slightly behind my head at times or right hand outraces the left and typos occur which are okay as far as spelling go and so uncaught by spell-check. I think the 'on' here is actually 'no', right? And 'weather' is actually whether? You might even have caught and corrected thee by the time the review is posted but an extra pair of eyes often picks up what the author misses because he knows what he meant to say so well!

"The wall beings to crumble under his tremendous blows" I think you mean 'begins', not 'beings', right?

"They all tie rope around themselves and then to each other." Whilst probably an sufficient description of the process in a brief essay on mountain climbing, in the story the image evoked is of a confused group of people tying themselves in a knot! *Laugh* Maybe a simpler sentence might work as well: They roped themselves in alpine climbing fashion.

"The others had their tents set and have already went to bed" Not just the tense jump, the term 'already went to bed' is incorrect - 'have already gone to bed'.

"Maria screams as she sees frozen mummies lining the walls" Mummies is not the best choice of term here, mummified figures, shrunken bodies, preserved bodies, there's some other term for sure that doesn't suggested and swathed body in Egyptian tombs.

"“Now what do we do?” Schmidt asks, beginning to become afraid" The emotion is diluted to near-nothing, by this act of beginning to become! If Schmidt quavers the question instead of asking it, the emotion is shown in an effective manner, without any further expansion.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A Simply Positive reviewing sig.


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Review of Never Tell a Lie  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Angels in my Ear Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for SAJ.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..


*Flower5* The Title: I have said this so often that I hope it’s not become an expected commented that makes writes yawn and go ho-hum! But it it bears repeating to my mind, not to lose sight of this tool to garner eyeballs to an item. Much like a well chosen daring confection can make headlines on Ladies Day at Ascot! This particular title repeats something many of us have heard, a moral drilled into most children from George Washington onwards! But does it tell us anything different about the item within? Does it give us something to excite us into reading it or give us a clue regarding the path to be taken in the tale?

*Flower5* The Beginning: To my mind this tale had a beginning all right. It just did not go on from there. Perhaps it would make an effective introduction but not a ‘story' as defined by most writers – one with Beginning, Middle and End, or with Problem, Conflict and Resolution. Now you might argue that the brevity of the piece makes such purism impossible, but I have seen 55 word stories with those elements and sometimes even the addition of suspense or humour!

*Flower5* The Setting: I did not get much of an idea of this, not even the broad strokes of the physical setting or even the time setting. Which century? Which Country? It would not take much to do that, a line or two describing the house or clothing, a thought about some article that places these. The ceramic doll itself seems to have been handed down through generations, so that still keeps the time period vague. If the resolution had taken place it might not even be required, but since it hasn’t, the setting would help to add appeal.

*Flower5* The Characters: There’s absolutely nothing that says characters cannot have common names. Those names are common because they are popularly used, after all. But for the character to rise above mental associations of Mary having a little lamb or Mary the quite contrary, some description would be required. Make this adorable child live for us, show us why we should like her. We have enough reason to hate her brother, but the question that immediately arises is how he manages to keep his ‘rottenness’ a secret from his parents. If a line is added to show his altered behaviour when he thinks he hears the parents coming in, changing his tone and words suitably, it would enhance the revulsion felt.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: This is mere repetition, if Setting and Character are properly tackled, it will be by adding this. I am no advocate of description heavy prose, but one can go too far the other way. There must be some leaven to the bread! Just a quivering lower lip here, or quavering defiance in the flung remark there, a harsh taunt breaking up the brother’s speech, maybe a pulled pigtail or sneering face trust close to hers? The words and choices are yours.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I found it incomplete and am afraid my comments may be premature. If this is an unfinished tale, I would be glad to review and re-rate at a later date. Just at present, I not only felt that the moral in the title was not aptly demonstrated, but actually felt that this advocated hiding of an unintentional mishap as a solution to dealing with not only that, but the more serious issue of sibling abuse.

*Flower5* What I liked: I like stories about child protagonists. It takes great skill to tell a tale involving them, and to do so from their POV is even more laudable. So kudos for the attempt.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

" Mary was “fed up” with Bobby and wished that she and been born an only child" Why is fed up in double quotes? Also the word ‘and' seems to have inadvertently been substituted for ‘had’.

"He was always telling tales to get her in trouble; always acting like he never did anything wrong. Her parents always believed him too." I understand this is a six-year-old talking and her vocabulary and style of thinking-talking would be full of repetition. But the numerous ‘always’ in the paragraph still irritated me. A two year old might lisp, but to have loth of lithping in the thtory would thtill be thilly! *Laugh*


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A Simply Positive reviewing sig.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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