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Review Requests: ON
2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
Previous ... 5 6 7 8 -9- 10 11 12 13 14 ... Next
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Review of Under The Bed  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Andrew Lee Austin Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!!*Reading*

I saw your little ditty hidden in a pile of other comedy offerings, the subject mentioned in the intro, as also the specific type of fear mentioned in the title, caught my eye, and I was sufficiently intrigued to pull it out for a read.

*Flower1* This is a firm belief that kids have, that there are monsters under the bed, behind the curtains, in the closet or even in the commode! I had a 'night light' on until I was eleven years or so. My kids had these 'Glo' toys that gave them company until they fell asleep. I still have the valiant Teddy that used to save my son from monsters under his bed. He was a real pro at tackling the!

*Flower1* I especially love the lines
"Well, of course it’s not there when it knows that you’ll check
It’s probably hiding elsewhere
But it will surely come back when I least expect
And in the morning you’ll find me nowhere."


I wrote a poem on similar lines and I remember mentioning that 'the brute can't be seen by others, certainly not by sneering brothers'.

*Flower1* I see you are new to WDC, do take the time to set your bio-block to let us know you better! From your user name I get the feeling your own childhood days have not been left too far behind, at least compared to those of us in the sere and yellows! At any rate, the feeling of night-time kiddie-panic is well-captured.

*Flower1* I thought I saw one teeny typo in there:
"The room goes cold, the light flickers out
Strangle little taps can be heard"
'Strange' is the word you mean to use, I presume?

*Flower1* The intro too had one hiccup, it swallowed the 'b' in the word 'about'. I did not spot it at first glance, just when about to finish this review, It is just a tiny 'niggle'.

*Flower1* Excellent rhyming, with direct end rhyme in most places, except for the inventive use of 'expect' and 'check'. Well done. You choose to avoid counting of syllables to make a even meter, but reading it aloud did not have any 'ragged' feel despite the uneven length. It had a rather pleasant and easy cadence to the read. So, all in all, a good show! *Thumbsup*





Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Ben Langhinrichs Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I was feeling depressed and turned to site search to give me something to put the rainbow back in my life. Your pieces was one of those that popped up. The provocative title, the promising intro, the chosen genres and the handsome ribbon all shouted that I had found my pick.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!!*Reading*

*Flower1* Y'know, every time I have seen your handle, I have glimpsed it as 'laughing riches' - a trick of the mind, but prophetic. For this little piece proved to be a mine of laughing riches! *chuckles* You will not hold that lapse as evidence of my lack of credentials as a sane commentator, will you? *Rolleyes*

*Flower1* This was inspired, a different form for each day of the week, a different guy for each date, a refrain to tie them all together, and inventive use of coloured fonts. Bravo.

*Flower1* I thought the Sonnet was good, and the Etheree was punchy. Each part rose to greater heights - the Acrostic was inspired and the Haiku had me snorting and choking with great gouts of merriment. You have one wicked sense of humour!

*Flower1* So glad this story had a happy ending. You know they should use this to show even a poem can have all the required elements of a story, Problem-Conflict-Resolution, then Characters, Setting, Dialogue, Plot, and Moral! Superb.

*Flower1* I'm just off to a dinner appointment - I see I shall have to explain away my recurring giggles as some kind of spasm, but I'll enjoy the secret joke. Thank-you for a great read.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
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Review of Poor Ice Cream  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Charlotte ~ Chasing Rabbits Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!!*Reading*

I wanted to read something 'light' and I went searching for those within the genre of Comedy. I am so glad I came across your piece. *chuckles* Kids!

*Flower1* Oh, me, oh my! In such a short time you have 10 items to offer us as a read? Wherever do you find the time and the inspiration? After reading from your bio-block that your penchant is not towards this kind of delectable and funny 'short', I am glad that of all your stories, this is the one I found.

*Flower1* Short stories work harder than the longer versions, they have to attempt to get at least a couple of the elements right in that short span. I felt that although the story had the Beginning-Middle-End done all right, the Setting, Characters, Description and Plot all needed thickening! Another dash of cherry syrup perhaps? *Laugh*

*Flower1* For example, in the opening sentences one phrase is used twice - 'just in the middle of' - both for putting together a sundae and for moving out the sofa from the wall. This wastes a good opportunity for description or setting, or both.

*Flower1* You also say 'my mom', 'my mother' twice, as well as repeat 'my little sister'. Unless there was a strict word count of 260 words (this is 257 - already over the 250 mark, so the next target is 300), there's plenty of scope to 'show' us your mother and particularly the adorable little sister. For instance, exactly how young was she? What colour were those tear-filled eyes?

*Flower1* I felt the best ending would have been if she had learned to laugh at her herself, or if you both had laughed together. Laughing at your younger sister was not the most attractive image upon which to close.

*Flower1* On the whole, it made me smile, it typified a child's irrational, emotional and exaggerated response to much of what adults take for granted. Ah, to be a child again and find a fairy in every butterfly and angels in every star!


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello talkingpen Author Icon and welcome to this wonderful site.. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I came upon your review upon the Request Review Page and was sufficiently attracted by the combination of your title and intro. I also admired your deft handle - would that our written words could indeed talk - a talking pen might help! *Laugh*.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!!*Reading*

*Flower1* The title was effective, the use of the word 'curse' ensures that the fantasy part is revealed, the rest assures a treasure. I just wondered why the title was neither all capitals, nor title case, the two most commmon choices on site.

*Flower1* The character development was good, Paul and Eric stand out clear from the other 'incidental dwellers of the tale - including the farmer or the old boatman. The mini-flashback serves to give us the relationship between the two.

*Flower1* The wizard 'preferring' the comfort of normal clothes was another bit of humour that leavened this slightly dark fantasy. I think humour is often effective in highlighting suspense or drama.

*Flower1* The formating is clean and neat with excellent inter-paragraph and dialogue spacing. Yet at some points an indent is missed out. Do take a good look at it, once more. There were other errors, like:

“ I said so.” Extra space between the quote marks and the 'I'.


" Paul was ready to finish him off, when he seen the farmer reaching for something" When he 'saw', surely?

There are places here the comma is misplaced or missing, I am no great expert, but perhaps that umpty-second look (it's obvious you have taken pains to polish this piece) could keep an eye out for these too?

*Flower1* Whist the end is a piece of timing, an ironic twist, I felt it would have been just as effective if Eric had used Paul's reverie to just put on the necklace. Perhaps, even more so, for Paul could have rued the wasted opportunity as his pupil overtook him, in the last gasp of the quest.

*Flower1* I enjoyed this read and hope to come back for more, if I may?


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Mariella Author Icon, here's wishing you a Happy WDC birthday! I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I saw this item on the review request page and the intro convinced me this fantasy tale would be worth a look-see. I am glad it did.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!!*Reading*

*Flower1* The beginning was in the traditional 'once upon a time' manner. I felt it was effective in setting the tone of writing and it even 'places' the story, whilst introducing the royal family, especially Adorna. There is however the repeat of the word 'kingdom' within, the second use actually weakens the simile you strive to introduce - "her beauty fell like sunshine over the Kingdom." Perhaps it could be more "like sunshine that blessed the entire vale" or some other description that does not include the word 'kingdom'?

*Flower1* Things go in threes in traditional fairy tales; that formula is followed here too, three kinds of gifts are given to the princess, those by the common subjects, those by the sages and those by the elves. The king rejecting three priceless gifts as not quite worthy of his daughter.

*Flower1* I might have gone for a puppy, but a cat is in keeping with the air of mystery and fantasy. A fat ginger one serves as a wonderful interjection of the commonplace into the flowery world of fantasy. I thought that was a deft touch. You had displayed that once before, at the mermaid who 'giggled'; some might find that an annoying out-of-character intrusion; I thought it was an endearing touch of the human.

*Flower1* I just wondered at a couple of places if the descriptions used were the mot juste - "One morning he gathered together his most trusted servants and his most majestic horses and set off on his quest." Trusted servants? Was it a mission of secrecy? Why not his most able warriors? It might be a dangerous quest. Whilst the best horses might be the most magnificent; fit and hardy would be my choice for a journey of unknown time over unknown terrain. But these are minor quibbles.

*Flower1* I wonder why there no pets or cats in the palace or kingdom? I still liked the ending, and I am sure, the Princess at least, was happy with the gift.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Noa נעה Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I have read another of your stories and was impressed by your story telling ability. When I saw this item upon the Review Request page I knew I had to read it.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!!*Reading*

*Flower1* The title might be the only thing I did not like about this tribute to your grandmother. (Incidentally, since you have one genre choice unused, why not choose 'Tribute'. That way if someone does a site search for that genre they will not miss out on reading this deserving write.) It was an apt title, but bland in statement, almost disinterested. I would have liked it to be as moving and personal as the rest of the piece. Have you thought about something like: "I miss you, Bapcia."?

*Flower1* For someone who has just begun to experiments with forms of English writing, your command of the language and rules is astonishing. You do well to use simple words, they not only avoid errors that more ambitious choices might entail, they allow the powerful emotions to be displayed without distraction. Bravo.

*Flower1* Perhaps emotions are too raw right now to allow you to write more? I just felt an anecdote or two, of how you remember her best, might set off exactly, the memories she leaves you as legacy.

*Flower1* The last paragraph before the leave-taking, the fare-well, is the most moving. You had me gulp down a football-sized lump in my throat there.

"Thank you for seeing the good in people, even though you had seen the worst that a man could be. And thank you for loving me, Babcia, for there is no greater gift a grandmother could give."

*Flower1* I think your grandmother would be so glad that she could inspire so much love. I think she would be comforted that you had found a way to remember her and let her live on in your heart. I think she would have been SO proud of you, Noa. God Bless.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello boogster Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I note that you have just joined the site, yesterday to be precise.
Yet you have the item and content ratings correctly set, and have some appealing choices of genre too. I see that you need no directional nudges from me, except perhaps to set your Bio-block when you get the time, so that we can get to know you better.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!!*Reading*

*Flower1* I liked the title, the use of the lower case intrigues and tells me this is likely to be a style that I might not 'get at first. The words themselves tell me that this story is at least going to be reminiscent. The intro does put me off a bit. I do not think that there is much excuse for poor spelling or sloppy formatting/punctuation, what with easy access to Spell-check, dictionaries and helpful friends.

*Flower1* I did a double take at the screen, the item is shown as 5.79 KB, that's roughly 600 odd words, yet I can see only eight lines. Way down the page it begins again. I kept wondering why the large gap - if this is a WIP (Work in Progress) - a notation to that effect would help. Potential reviewers would know that they were reviewing an unfinished work. It would be best if you could keep it set to 'Private' until you were ready for critiques on the 'rough' work.

*Flower1* It is rife with spelling mistakes, even the on-site spell-check would rid you of most of them, especially ones like 'funebles' for fumbles' or 'colapx' for 'collapse'. It prevents me from going through the entire story, negating my effort to give you meaningful feedback. That's a shame, for there is some good description in there - like: "but she poked meand reteaved her finger fast like i was an infection that she didn't want to get" Of course you first have to mop up the words to get 'me and ' from 'meand, or 'retrieved' from 'reteaved'! I'll accept the lower case 'i', that's a well known device to imply the fact that the narrator is either saying the self is not important, or is made to feel that way.

*Flower1* I feel as though I am staring at this display of incogruus objects grouped and twisted together to form a rickety but strangely attractive structure. It's different, it's avant garde, it's beyond my comprehension; there are bits that appeal, but the whole is too unfamiliar. If it is modern art - I prefer old school. I can see where the more knowledgeable might find much to appreciate, but for now, I will have to struggle to find enough to applaud.

*Flower1* Probably more my lack than yours, but you might want to add in a few lines of introduction and reasoning to help others who might also struggle to read this. Anytime this is re-written in a more traditional format, please call upon me to review (and consequently, re-rate) my opinion!


Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
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Review of Blazing Fire  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello ImpulseZip Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!!*Reading*

*Flower1* I wonder why we don't do more of these M2M reviews? I am so glad I decided to be a 'good RS' this month. All the pieces that came tumbling out the swollen RS ports has been of high standard and each a delectable read! If I had any thing at all to offer as suggestion, it would be to choose another of the prompts for a title, even Snoopy's favourite opening lines. This was not the most apt of the lot, the blazing fire being conveniently pulled from a dream.

*Flower1* Four wildly - widely - unrelated prompts - and you got them all in so smoothly I never noticed. It must the little bits of observational humour. Like the three poster bed or the bit about turning o the light in the power outage to get a flood of ... darkness - that was priceless. There's an apocryphal tale of a power outage when we were kids. We had all lit candles and were sweating in the muggy tropical summer. One bright spark suggested turning on the ceiling fan. "No, stupid!" screamed another bright-er spark. (we have so many in our family) "Don't do that! You'll blow out the candles!" *Laugh*

*Flower1* I didn't get the bits about the prowlers, though. (I am the unlit spark!) They were rats, right? They got out through the window - so, cats? They chewed up through the wire - rats, again. Or dogs? They opened and raided the fridge - humans? Sorry, I warned you about my mental capacity - I would have opened that fridge door to get some light! *Bigsmile* (I also thought the 'splats' were sure loud to have woken up someone from sleep or be heard wayyyyy in the bed-room - it was just dripping ice-cream? But that's on the floor - were the intruders jumping around?)

*Flower1* Otherwise a well-crafted and out-and-out appealing tale. I just love Snoopy, so featuring him in there cranked up my applause one notch.

*Flower1* Lastly the image of your 'flashclock' will remain with me, ingenious and totally true-to-life. Thanks for an entertaining read.


Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1388845 Unavailable **
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Review of Silver Beach  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello randomangel Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!!*Reading*

*Flower1* This choice of writing has me applauding before the read. I think shorter stories are even more difficult than their long counterparts. There is so little scope for plot, character development, setting. To enter a contest that calls for a response to a prompt in just 24 hours - that's amazing. To WIN that day's contest - it takes my breath away. As did the story when I read it.

*Flower1* This is something only an angel could conjure, albeit a self-proclaimed 'random' one. There is a plot, there is a problem, no two; there is also the conflict. There's no perfect resolution, except the hinted exhortation to live in the moment. There's great depth of character and setting. Bravo, bravo!

*Flower1* There are a couple of lines in there that, in my opinion, said it all. It showed me the narrator without a word having been said about him. He is in love, both with the girl and the moment. "But their excitement, their joy does not penetrate the little bubble we inhabit. Together like this, we let the world pass us by."

*Flower1* The end was a perfect one for me, it does not attempt to resolve his dilemma, just gives him the joy of the here and now. I think you are going to find this fulsome praise boring. No? Shall I go on? *Laugh*

*Flower1* Anyway, I see others too have liked this item of yours, it bears evidence in the red ribbon so proudly worn. A well-deserved accolade, indeed.


Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1388845 Unavailable **
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Poetic ~ Luck ~ Charm Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!!*Reading*

*Flower1* You have a folder 'for all my Writer's Cramp Entries' - I love those, so I clicked upon the icon with anticipation - it was as bare as the cupboard reputed to have been stocked by the unprepared Mrs. Hubbard! It has five stars bestowed upon it, so I am assuming it was once having some things on its shelf,. Did you delete those entries or move 'em elsewhere? Anyhow restock that folder darlin' writer - I'll come back an' visit, right now I'm heading for that Punkin' s'prise!

*Flower1* The title attracted the greedy gourmet residing in my gut, having been denied sustenance in that empty folder. I liked the autobiographical nature of the write at once , as well as the rustic tone of the language. The apostrophes seemed random, there in places, words just 'hangin' in others! The same problem with hyphens, is it 'pre-gourd' or 'pre gourd'?

*Flower1* After all that gory preamble about scooping out insides and knives and cuts, I was rather cringing for the bloody, sorry - juicy, err ... sad end. But you turned it into a sweet and tender almost-fairy tale. They all lived happily ever after, or at least until the pumpkin decayed! *Laugh*

*Flower1* I do not normally like gaudy coloured fonts, or the use of bold fonts ("It's so much like 'shouting', my dear," an internet friend shudders.) But here, it was both appropriate (orange for the pumpkin) and kind on my presbyopic eyes (if not bold, I'd hardly have been able to see it!). So, great for getting that right!

*Flower1* One tiny typo that can be easily fixed: "I‘m so glad she can be cheery I though, sickened" One extra 't' needed in there - as in 'thought'. Perhaps, a comma too, after 'cheery'?

*Flower1* Aww ... bits of this were just so cute, I'll never forget this pumpkin story. Especially the bit about Tommy (a brother pumpkin) 'losing his seeds'! I know a few people who are walking around without theirs! *Laugh*

*Flower1* Thanks for the entertaining read, I am so glad to have made your acquaintance.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1388845 Unavailable **
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Review of The New Bus 16  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello naoeliyahu. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

Congratulations on your win in the Geographical Fiction Contest! This is one of the reviews from a member of TI

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!!*Reading*

*Flower1* I appreciated the title even before the explanation in the story. I am sure many others will catch the allusion there, that something has happened to the old no. 16 bus. As you explain in the heading of the folder your main aim is to let us take a peek into the world you see every day. You gave us a breath-taking ride on that bus.

*Flower1* There's fine attention to detail and depth of character here, as the stereotype is built up, exploded and then chillingly re-exploited. The descriptions are simple and yet they are laid on, layer upon meticulous layer, to create this vivid picture. Well done.

*Flower1* I wondered about one thing though, it crops up a lot in my writing too, there are words of dialect, that have passed into English. Yet in 'English' their spelling is unlike the one commonly used or sounded in our country. Here it was 'hommous' that puzzled me, is this the same as the 'hummus' or 'hummous' - made of coarsely-ground soaked chick-peas? Wikipedia said alternative spellings were - 'hamos, houmous, hommos, hommus, hummos, hummous or humus'. Which is the widely accepted form?

How I got diverted onto the above subject I do not know, but having raised the question, I'll leave it in there.

*Flower1* I loved the way the the only two options for that young lad were summed up, neither leaves him whole or free. That there might be a third option is not even considered, until that last sentence. Don't know when I have seen a 'hanging' ending done better. (there was a tiny typo in that sentence, I will not quote in in its entirety here - that would ruin the story, but look out for this bit: "so high off their relief that they were" 'of' too would not be appropriate, would you consider 'in' as a substitute?

*Flower1* Kudos for an excellent bit of, as you yourself term it, 'realistic fiction'.


Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
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Review of Forget-Me-Nots?  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Soldier_Mike Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

Congratulations on your win in the Geographical Fiction Contest! This is one of the reviews from a member of TI

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!!*Reading*

*Flower1* I have read and admired your writing before, so a sense of 'something good this way comes' was on high! I picked this from the myriad in your port not just because of the title, but because you chose to end it with a query mark. That underlined my expectation of the unusual.

*Flower1* The story is a nugget, a mere anecdote, yet it has all the classic elements. It does not have a happy ending resolution, but ends on the same kind of note as a relationship joke would, making light of a heavy moment.

*Flower1* The dialogue is natural and well written in, I especially like it when Tim 'croaks' out a bit, it makes a graphic change from the 'asked' and 'replied'.

*Flower1* Excellent leaning into the sarcastic humourous part, it forms just the reaction of Bill's partner to his lapse in memory. (I mean, in these tech-savvy days, forgetting is inexcusable. Your watch, mobile, PC, e-mail, on-line stores - all these have reminders built in for free!) I loved the line: "I tried to explain through the door, but Bev had a couple more things to say that wouldn't fit on the note."

*Flower1* The only quibble I had came right at the end, a pity, because I thought it was an effective end. Just that ... "Anyway, I bought her three dozen roses, but she still isn't speaking to me. At least she's stopped locking the door every time I go outside." I'd emphasise the positive change more. 'Anyway, I bought her three dozen roses; she still isn't speaking to me, but at least she's stopped locking the door every I go outside.'. I may be wrong about that tiny change making a difference, feel free to ignore me.

*Flower1* The challenge to throw up a story in response to a prompt in just 24 hours is a daunting task in itself. To manage such an entertaining tale, deserves a round of applause. *claps heartily*


Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Crimson Teardrops  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello ~WhoMe???~ Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

This is review 4 of 5

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!!*Reading*

*Flower1* I decided to refresh the palate, so to say. I was looking for a poem to read and this one caught the eye with its evocative title; it is a vivid image of not only tears, but also a bleeding wound. The ribbon that it wears proudly affirmed that it would be well worth the time. A short piece, it yet conveys all that it needs.

*Flower1* Unusual choice of form, is it your own? Or is it some known form or variant? Sixteen lines, unbroken into verses, or couplets even. Yet this would work either as quatrains or couplets, the chosen punctuation underlines these options.

*Flower1* There's a rhyme that's obvious without being intrusive; the poem has an ease of 'flow' that is often found only in 'free verse'. There's rhythm, if not meter, in there too: a 4-3-4-3 tattoo that sounds like a gentle gallop when read aloud. Only the last four lines fall out of this scheme if one takes syllables into account.

*Flower1* Each couplet makes for one image, one more in the cascade that spills past the mind's eye. There is a repeated and powerful impact there. I felt the one that left the most lasting impression was:
"Tears of crimson,
running steep."


*Flower1* Story teller, poet, what other roles can you play? I am of to find out.


Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Funeral  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Jaye P. Marshall Author Icon, I hope you are enjoying this site as much as I do. I generally troll the site looking for things to read, I was searching for items of the Family genre and the emotional topic mentioned in this intro intrigued my roving imagination.

I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


*Flower5* The Title: I tend to place a lot of importance on this one element - maybe because it is the first device you can use to pull a reader into your work, it always seems a pity not to make full use of it.

There's nothing wrong with this title, it is terse and powerful, along with the intro it succeeds in creating the image of a potentially emotional tale. Funeral - young boy - remembers Dad. Apt, without being revealing.

All it lacks is the kind of attention-grabbing persona that only unusual combinations or incongruous associations make. For e.g.: "Funerals, Cattle Prods and Baseball". I am not suggesting a change, just giving an example of such a title. Your choice is sedate and works well for this simple tale.


*Flower5* The Beginning: Great opening lines. It establishes the place and sets it in our mind with a few deft words. We immediately know it is a white-framed church, that there are stained glass windows, that outside are white oaks whose branches are swaying in a light breeze. The main character is introduced, a young boy who is whose emotions seem strangely awry. This amazing job is completed in exactly three sentences.

*Flower5* The Setting: Even other than the opening setting, there are others that are equally vividly described in fine brush strokes, confident and sure.

Whether it is the Thanksgiving with an almost 'Oliver Twist' like moment of pathos, or the scene in the woods where sadism and sensitivity clash, each is brought to life.

The church setting however, looms clearest, as it should; the rest is just a mental journey into the past.


*Flower5* The Characters: Each one is described as much as required, Chuck gets the bulk of the description, but his father and other family members get their share.

Take these lines that have the protagonist look over at his siblings - to contrast their demeanour with his own: "His younger sister, Mary, honked loudly while little Annie, face contorted and tears streaming, leaned against their mother." One can see two little girls either overcome by the occasion or genuinely grieved. It is effective against the stoic reflections of the main character.


*Flower5* The Descriptions: A lot of it was the relationship between father and son, this has the pride of place as far as descriptions go. Other things are not neglected though, the preacher's drone interrupts his thoughts and directs his leaps into the past - "Chuck dredged through his memory, searching for the warm feeling conjured up by the preacher’s words" Each experience is a little vignette, building upon the one that went before. Until, in the end, an implacable picture of consistent derision, nay - abuse, is created.

*Flower5* The Dialogue: Wherever there was dialogue it was completely natural, nothing stilted or abnormally polite and saccharine sweet.

"“Hey, Mom, they here yet?”

“Shhhh, Chuck, she said in a hushed voice. "Your Dad’s still asleep."
When Chuck wakes up, he's not wasting time with a polite 'Good morning, Mom.' He wants to know if his aunt and uncle, his cousins are there yet. He'll probably ask again soon, unless the idea of his Dad been woken up prevents exuberance. Kids do that, will Time to fast-forward to a pleasant expectation.


*Flower5* The Technical Aspects: Grammar and Punctuation: Let me clarify - I tend to misplace commas, quotes, semi-colons and other hook-like things, including clothes hangers and ear-rings! *Laugh* So any suggestions I make are pretty much guess-work, but those points did make me re-think!

You are one wise person. The sentences are short and crisp - that keeps them clear and lucid, it also avoids comma hassles. I must try that out in my own writing. On the rare occasions the sentences have many phrases, you manage not to get them tangles or spliced. Good job.



*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I like stories that are classic with the standard Plot-Conflict-Resolution; I love the maverick ones which have hanging endings and overlays of story.

I had just one question, the child makes a telling observation/query in this tale. As he reminisces about his experiences with his father and the sadistic use of the cattle-prod, he wonders of his mother - "Chuck sneaked a glance at his sobbing mother. How could she be so sad? Had she never felt the sting of the prod?" I too wondered - hadn't she? Such sadistic bullies generally keep anyone else cowed and subdued. The younger girls might escape until they started questioning his authority, but his wife was unlikely to have escaped, unless she was completely submissive. That part might have been enlarged, to complete my feeling of satiety. But I know I am being greedy, this was well-done, just as it is!

This has a resolution, only it is unexpected. There's no sudden rush of love, no discovery of overwhelming memory and sorrow. There's just a child managing to shrug off his burden of guilt and able to feel confident in God being all-knowing and therefore all-understanding.


*Flower5* What I liked: I am glad the child is not filled with only resentment, he struggles to relive happy memories. There are a few, sadly, only a few; the dark far outweighs them. It is well interspersed with the present, the text of the service providing a constant parallel thought process.

There's so much for everybody here, a lesson for stern parents. A masterful tale told in delicate overlay, with hints of abuse that should alert the more complacent ones, who say it never happens in good households. An affirmation of faith for unconventional believers, like me.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Nothing much to even qualify as 'quibble'. Only this one sentence stood out as the solitary instance where your meaning was not clear and vivid to me.

"He had shown his cousins all of his favorite spots, then they conned Dad and Uncle Bill into a game of touch football" If it is 'had shown', should it not be 'had conned'? Why 'conned' exactly? I did not get the allusion, but we don't play touch football much over here.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!!*Reading*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

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Review of Illusions  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon, I hope you are enjoying this site as much as I do. I generally troll the site looking for things to read and your piece caught my eye because Your intro perfectly set off what your title set out to achieve; it increased curiosity and yet gave away nothing of the ending. Your genre choices only heightened expectation with their delectable incongruity.

I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!!*Reading*

*Flower5* The Title: I tend to place a lot of importance on this one element - maybe because it is the first device you can use to pull a reader into your work, it always seems a pity not to make full use of it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I loved your title - I had recently seen the movie 'The Illusionist' and associated this word with magic. I was not far wrong, I thought, as I read the first few lines. Then as I read through the tale I marveled at your powers of misdirection and deception, both useful for a conjurer. Bravo.


*Flower5* The Beginning: I loved your first line, it set the 'scene' perfectly, it later proved to have been a marvel of deception. I thought perhaps the phrase about the rubbish consisting of newspapers and plastic bags could well have been omitted, it actually heightens the impact of the first sentence that way. The rest of the first paragraph is a superb example of setting done just right.

*Flower5* The Setting: I have laready lauded it above, have I not? Let me just highlight one bit I appreciated:

"The street lamps bled small pools of illumination, highlighting the dirty streets in a regular pattern of muddled light." Other than that first sentence, this is a bit of vivid imagery.


*Flower5* The Characters: Merlin, huh? Superb bit of misdirection again. I read a mystery whose denouement made use of the same device, only the species was different, although pretty close in origin. That was the only reason I figured this out about two lines from the end. Surely he had to have been around for millenniums (Millenia? *Confused*)and deserved to belong to 'The Species that Survived"!

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Hoo, boy! What a tough call this was, you have to describe without giving information. Some lines have already been lauded, let me add a couple more:

"Merlin wasn't his real name. His species could speak, a chittering sound that few could understand, but it was secondary to their telepathic abilities" Anybody thinking 'weird creature with strangely shaped body and antennae sticking out of its head'? I was, yet I was not far wrong.

The descriptions were so good, I thought I was getting telpathic myself.

"Someone was waiting around the corner. He sent a thought out and was repelled by the jumble of images he encountered. Flashes of color in a series of square boxes, drawn crudely on the pavement, flooded his mind." Hopscotch was my thought, it proved correct.


*Flower5* The Dialogue: I like your use of internal dialogue to get around the prompt requirements, with only a word or two in actual speech.

*Flower5* The Technical Aspects: Grammar and Punctuation: Let me clarify - I tend to misplace commas, quotes, semi-colons and other hook-like things, including clothes hangers and ear-rings! *Laugh* So any suggestions I make are pretty much guess-work, but I'll only mention points that make me re-think!

Impeccable grammar, spelling, punctuation, proof-reading and other what-have-yous of writing. I wish I hadn't spotted that one tiny typo, but it proves you, unlike Merlin, are human! *Bigsmile*



*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I like stories that are classic with the standard Plot-Conflict-Resolution; I love the maverick ones which have hanging endings and overlays of story.

This had all of the former and yet had the cracker-jack twist at the end with a superb punch in the ending line. Loved the image upon which it ends.


*Flower5* What I liked: I cannot actually wax eloquent on all that I enjoyed without adding in spoilers, so those who would like to read this enjoyable tale - go away, NOW!

It was inspired on your part to make these the 'talking animals'; so unexpected, so icky and so believable in a Sci-Fi way!

I had to go back and re-read it afterwards and chuckle over all the subtler bits that were better on the second read!

Add in the link to the previous tale, if you still have it, 'twould be great to compare and contrast. If your other entries are anything like as exemplary, no wonder you were the Season Winner. Congratulations on a well deserved win! *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* Suggestions:
Umm, this story was so engrossing , I wasn't actually looking for anything to pinpoint, how this caught my eye I'll never know. Or how it escaped yours, either!

"They'll probably erect a statue to me... even if its only on this mud ball." That should be it's - short for 'it is'.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello ShiShad Author Icon, I hope you are enjoying this site as much as I do. I generally troll the site looking for things to read and your piece caught my eye because your folder of fiction has a great image to head it. The freshly sharpened pencil in the foreground suggested to me a mind ever-ready to let the Muse take it on a journey across those pages just glimpsed nearby.

I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!!*Reading*

*Flower5* The Title: I tend to place a lot of importance on this one element - maybe because it is the first device you can use to pull a reader into your work, seems a pity not to make full use of it.

This title was a bland statement, different? - yes, apt? - certainly, but not quite eye-catching or curiosity arousing. Maybe if it was posed as a question? Or even if it was just changed with the addition of a 'why' at the beginning? I think the story focused on the need to be 'special' as well as 'different', it would be great if the title echoed that.


*Flower5* The Beginning: This is one's first chance to impress the chance reader, to hook and pull them into the story. Your choices of genres create some degree of expectation, they include "Supernatural" and "Entertainment" - one needs a strong opening line. I once read an article on writing about cutting out words that said essentially the same thing, I thought parts of the two phrases in your first sentence were such an example. Would you agree?

"From the time he was a very young boy, Brian always felt that he was different" If he 'always' felt it, it was definitely 'from the time he was a young boy'. Later other little quibbles surfaced. Brian is not exactly old in this tale, is it flashback, or 'current'?

Yet the opening para makes his need to be 'special' an understandable one, the main difference his young mind perceives in himself is the fact that he is born on February 29th, more a deprivation than a privilege. So it works on one level, whilst another might need some strengthening.


*Flower5* The Setting: This is what I like to see clearly in any story, certainly strong settings make action clearer to visualise. The boy's bedroom and other parts of the house are glimpsed here. Just glimpsed, not 'seen' in the mind's eye.

The emotional setting is also a part of any story, this is more fleshed out and we discern the boy struggling with incredulity, fear and then pleasure.


*Flower5* The Characters: Brian is the strongest character here, but except for one single reference to his 'small body' (and that could be due to the bird's-eye view and not his size), we have few visual clues. His mother makes a two-line appearance, and his Dad has one sketchy reference. It is natural that we get nary a glimpse of either. Making him physically non-impressive, middle-of-the-road in looks, that might strengthen his need to be perceived as 'special'.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I do understand that the simple language is partly because the protagonist is a young boy. But the narrator is telling us what Brian did and felt. It would be great to 'show' in a more graphic manner, although you do avoid the pitfall of 'telling' the action at most times.

Was there any restriction in word count for the contest? You do mention it being a contest entry in your genre choices.

This is one place where writing can become 'memorable', from merely being 'good'. a deft metaphor, a catchy turn of phrase, this will lift it up to the airy heights of the sublime. I offer as example, one phrase used by my fave writer (P. G. Wodehouse - also known as 'Plum') - it has remained with me as firm favourite from amongst his multitude of wonderful descriptions. - 'Such presumption transcends the limit of the merely impudent, and passes into the boundless empyrean of pure cheek'


*Flower5* The Dialogue: Well done. Using internal dialogue is one way to have conversation in one-person action, immortalised in famous soliloquies like Hamlet's. Kudos for that neat touch.

The dialogue is simple but natural, especially Brian's whiny 'do I have to go today?'. Any mother who's been sending kids off to school has dealt with that one innumerable times (and generally developed her own special retorts that tell her kids her patience has been stretched thin enough! Mine knew better than to fool with me on days when my sarcastic come-back was 'No, of course not. The President has just declared that you are exempted from school for the next ten years!' *Laugh*)


*Flower5* The Technical Aspects: Grammar and Punctuation: Let me clarify - I tend to misplace commas, quotes, semi-colons and other hook-like things, including clothes hangers and ear-rings! *Laugh* So any suggestions I make are pretty much guess-work, but those points did make me re-think!

You do well to use a lot of short sentences. That cuts down on the possibility of incomprehension; that's always a problem with the longer ones! The spelling was impeccable too, knowing how hasty fingers can ruin good knowledge, I applaud your dedicated editing.



*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I like stories that are classic with the standard Plot-Conflict-Resolution; I love the maverick ones which have hanging endings and overlays of story.

I think this story had enough of the former set of requirements to satisfy, it wasn't out-of-the-box despite the supernatural element for two reasons -

The 'difference' seemed a 'cop-out' - using magic to resolve an issue. He did nothing to 'deserve' it, no real struggle besides having a 'real' B'day only every four years. And I am sure his mom would have all the 'usuals' on February 28th or March 1st. A sibling rivalry, where he is unfairly ignored - that might push his latent needs to the fore. Or maybe he has an unusual ability to be 'lucky' - when he's late so is the school bus, or when he forgets his homework, the teacher is absent - that might have built up to the end better.

It also did not suffice to serve as example to other kids who might long for such marks of difference too. None of them are likely to find this particular way out.


*Flower5* What I liked: Now this is the kind of dream that might evolve in any child's mind, to make it come true is good fantasy.

The story will appeal alike to both young and old, there's enough in it for both.

The interaction between mother and child was natural and 'real'.

I like it that the child takes his ability with nonchalance, as if he accepted the inevitable, the vision having also given him the wisdom to deal with the burdens of foreshadowing.

The ending lines echo both the title and the central premise of the story.


*Flower5* Suggestions:
"He rose above his bedroom(,) to the loft where his parents were sprawled across the big queen(-)size bed(,) sound asleep" My mind put in those commas and hyphen at the places marked by those brackets, like I mentioned above in my 'disclaimer', not quite sure if it works - read it and see.

"Brian swallowed the lump in his throat and replied nonchalantly" As it stands, the two images clash. If you get rid of the adverb and show his effort in trying to appear nonchalant whilst he is delivering such an important pronouncement, that would work better.

"As he stumbled out of his bedroom and into the hallway, he could hear the news was on the T.V. blaring from the living room, but he couldn't make out what the newscaster was saying." I was once told that if you can use fewer words to say essentially the same thing, one should cut out the excess. It might not always work, it does help to consider it. I thought, perhaps - 'As Brian stumbled into the hallway, he could hear the living-room T.V. blaring; he couldn't make out what the newscaster was saying.' We know Brian was slipping into his clothes in the bedroom a sentence or two earlier, so cutting out the bit about stumbling out of the bedroom is OK. The next cut sort of combines the location and the TV to get rid of a few more words. The last assumes that if he cannot hear a newscaster - it is obvious the news is on.

I try to work on this particular skill by writing things my normal long-winded way and then pruning with ruthless intent. Or I enter 100 word contests! *Laugh*

"He felt weightless as he rose up off his bed for the first time" Do you mean the first time in this experience? No, for it happens only once. Perhaps it is for the 'first time in his life'? But is it necessary to state that? I just felt puzzled by the inclusion of this qualifier, highlighted by the italics.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Soldier_Mike Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for the {ritem:1550799 }, please accept it in the same friendly spirit in which it is offered.

I do not set myself up to be an expert, just someone telling you how the read affected me.

*Flower5* The Title: – I really do not know why I keep on harping about titles. Well, one reason is because they are an easy way to garner eyeballs for what you have written, much like a headline will for a news story. But, to continue the metaphor a little further, it must also be apposite to the story.

I saw a lot of possibility in this title, there was room for double meaning, a promise of depth from the incongruity conjured up by the images of hot rocks in a land of ice. It gave us a hint of the setting, the country, a glimpse of the possible storyline, but left us enough to conjecture and make us eager to read on.

Your intro told us – this was a foiled robbery, so how were those rocks ‘hot’? If there was any attempt to fence those gems after they declared to be stolen, then the term would work – or is my knowledge of criminal slang terribly awry here?

Incidentally why did the intro give away the whole premise of the story? To successfully tease and entice the reader further, building upon the interest generated by the title it should just hint at the innards. Something like ‘Lionel uses his head to solve a crime’! Or 'Lionel uses his head, differently'?


*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning did a valiant job for a single line. Lionel was obviously on a plane (the seat-back tray gave that one away), he was re-reading a communication that held his interest and thoughts. Good job.

*Flower5* The Setting: Now there was a special task in introducing this setting, at least its physical aspects, for this contest. You were to set it in a geographical region different from your own. Did I think you did the research? Certainly, but it could have been deeper.

You refer to ‘one of the city's best known shopping streets: Laugarvegur and set it in Keflavik’. Wikipedia tells me it should be: “Laugavegur is one of the oldest shopping streets of central Reykjavík, Iceland”. However I admit Wiki is not the be all and end all of knowledge. It does give details about the meaning and origin of Laugavegur that might have been nuggets that caught the interest if used in the story.

Did I think you caught the spirit of the place? – Well, for such an exotic locale, there were enough details woven in about the business and hospitals, the language, the currency, the attitude- I think you did a good job.


*Flower5* The Characters: The characters – umm – there I got caught in a bit of dilemma. Should I applaud the master-stroke of making Salvatore Macaroni different from the stereotypical Mafia capo, or should I bemoan the variation? I think I will stick with the former, I enjoyed the the superb double meanings in the letter addressed to ‘Mr. Hansen’ far too much to worry about typical expectations not being met.

The relationship between Lionel and Sal does not have the fear embedded too deeply either, there is a soupcon of familiarity and mischief in his last gesture – the return postcard. I would not have messed with such a man until after I had returned the money.


*Flower5* The Descriptions: The descriptions were a tad disappointing in containing no vivid imagery. There were bits that could have been expanded to include this:
“They finished up just after four o'clock and, as the weather was agreeably sunny and it was only a bit more than a mile back to his hotel on Brautarholt, he decided to walk back along one of the city's best known shopping streets: Laugarvegur.” Now, that tells us a bit, where it could show us a lot.

Maybe something like: ‘The sun was pale and anaemic but was doing its valiant best to appear welcoming to Lionel. The way back to his hotel lay along one of the best known shopping streets, Laugavegur, or Pool Street, named after the famed hot pools that were common in the area. Fate whispered In his ears, he decided to walk back the short distance.’ I took a liberty there as I thought ‘sunny’ and a mental picture of Iceland did not go together, but if you know different you can make the sun blaze down like it does in the tropics.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The story seemed to come together a bit easily for the ‘happy’ ending. If Lionel was so likely to do well with his job, bonuses and all, why was Sal dunning him? The idea is to get the fish in past their fiscal capacity. Of course the reward made up almost two thirds of the amount required, did it not? So, perhaps you judged the timing to a nicety. You also leave things open-ended, no resolution about whether Lionel is going to gamble gain, or forever eschew that invitation to debt?

*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the patches of humour, the irrepressible irony, the sensation of the tongue having been firmly in the cheek when you wrote this. It was only a subtle motif, but it was enough to raise it above the mundane.

The Grammar and spelling were impeccable and showed attention to detail and meticulous editing. Thank-you.




Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Mara ♣ McBain Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]

*Flower5* The Title: Why 'Promises of Tomorrow'? Why not just Promise? The intro changes the word that is pluralized and makes it 'tomorrows'. It seems unnecessary, just 'Promise of Tomorrow' is enough. Very minor quibble, your title was eye-catching, it created a pleasing image, it was iintriguing.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Beginnings, first paras and first sentences must be polished and taut. They must create perfect images and not give rise to little nagging questions.
"Weariness marked every step as the leggy young woman made her way through the dark neighborhood, a bottle of laundry detergent in her hand and a backpack hanging from her thin shoulders. " Weariness would mark every step would it not? Not alternate ones, or occasional ones? The image of a leggy young woman is inconsistent with that of weariness, it suggests youth and vitality. Either change the description, or use it elsewhere. why was the laundry detergent carried in her hand and not in the backpack? Why was the neighbourhood dark? No streetlights? Or was that a metaphor?

"Weariness changed her usual impatient strides into dragging steps, despite her desire to be out of the gloom of the unlit back alley. Her thin shoulders hunched with the weight of her bulging backpack, one hand clutching the unwieldy bottle of laundry detergent that refused to fit into it."


*Flower5* The Setting: The financial setting, the reasons for her economic crisis are well set out, familiar to many of us. The reasons for her reluctance to accept Garrett's offer are not so well fleshed out. If they had been friends since the days of diapers, you'd think the families had accepted some sort of on-going permanence in their association.

*Flower5* The Characters: The characters could have been fleshed out a little. I found myself lacking a clear picture of either of the protagonists. The banter in the ending dialogue best detailed them, if only there had been some description to set it off.

*Flower5* The Descriptions:

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I'm not too sure this was the most romantic reason to accept a man, the loss of loved one's, home and livelihood. It makes you wonder why it was acceptable to cross that social divide only in such extreme circumstances. Other wise it was a tale that rang true with the confused emotions of friends who suddenly discover there is more to friendship.

The prompt seemed put in as an afterthought, it was certainly not central to the tale and could well have been written without it. It did however fulfill the letter of the law and include a reference to it in the story.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5* 13+
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*1975
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: I like happy endings to romances.

*Flower5* Suggestions:

"The nearby DaimlerChrysler plant had lain off hundreds
"
Is it Daimler-Chrysler? Or Daimler/Chrysler? Or even Daimler Chrysler?

"Jude pulled herself from her reveries, " Reverie, just one, would be sufficient, it can include a variety of thoughts.

"he murmured with a telling waggle of his dark brows. He laughed as her telling blush darkened." The word 'telling' is repeated in close proximity. I'd use a synonym, like 'betraying' or 'revealing'.

"His leggy lady looked like a little girl, her knees pulled up to her chest and long locks plastered to skull and face" This is the second use of 'leggy' for describing your lead character. Why were the long locks plastered to her skull and face? Was it raining? What colour were the locks? It would be so easy to slip in some information about her looks here.

"A hundred different scenarios flashed through his mind as he found his way blocked by emergency vehicles at the end of Jade's block." Is she Jade? Or Jude?

"Sloughing a trembling hand over his handsome features, he shouldered his way to her side, his pale blue eyes meeting the paramedics in haunted question.
"
Are you sure about the use of the word sloughing? I have heard of a snake sloughing its skin, as in discarding by peeling off - what is your meaning? Then the use of the word 'handsome' to describe his features jars with the atmosphere of troubled concern created here. "Worried' or 'troubled' would better describe them. Maybe his face could become 'craggy and haunted' unlike his usual winsome features?


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Shannon Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR] Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: Good title, I like the way its tied in to the song. Befitting of the prompt and the story.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I'm impressed by the action packed beginning with the story as a sort of flashback. Excellent portrayal of tense atmosphere at a CPR and advanced life support scene, perfect relay of the steps, whether in V-Fib, or in pulse less asystole. (BTW, It is V-fib or VF, not v-fib, but that is not a biggie. Or maybe it is v-fib on your side?)

*Flower5* The Setting: The two contrasting settings are also well done without much actual description. The route taken by the fugitives is definitely intriguing. I was not quite sure if they were going to another country - Canada? Or if they were making for some specific relatives/job?

*Flower5* The Characters: There were enough words, so I must assume you wanted to keep your protagonists as caricatures, drawn in with a few swift strokes, not fleshed out and coloured. That way the focus is all on the action. If it works for you, good. I personally would have loved to see some more descriptions of both.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The country side flashes by and just the states or towns are named, it all seems a blur. Could not some one feature of each impinge upon the mind of the young girl, breathless with excitement though she is?

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I wonder why they are in such a hurry to set up a life together. Obviously she is underage and marriage is going to be difficult to arrange. But where are they going and why? One needs to empathise with the lead characters for such romances to work, somehow that was a bit difficult here. Despite a loving family, to take such a drastic dead-end step seemed foolhardy. Sooner or later, I was saying to myself. It just happened sooner.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: The balance in the story, the beginning and end matched each other in mood, in fact there were four parts, neatly interspersed, all making up a well constructed whole.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just a few niggling doubts.

"Nuel had parked at the end of it--out of sight and earshot, and now we walked toward his car together in the darkness." I think the word 'together' is redundant and breaks up the flow of the sentence. If I was reading it allowed, I have stumbled over the point at which to naturally pause in that sentence. Especially in stories with word counts, I recommend cutting out words not required, which do not add meaning to the sentence. Save those precious counts for some additional character description, setting or dialogue.

"Everything I was taking with me fit into one small carry-on suitcase I'd hidden under my bed." Again, the phrase at the end seems tacked on, it confuses. Obviously everything you were taking fit into the carry-on suitcase, that's why you had packed it! If you reached for the small carry-on that was hidden under your bed, if it bulged with all that you could salvage from the collected curios and treasures of seventeen years of life - that would make more sense.

"A 27-year-old woman with a 32-year-old man is a lot different than a 17-year-old girl with a 22-year-old man" Are the words 'than' and 'from' interchangeable in such comparisons? I thought that 'from' would have fit the usage better. But, people do say it this way pretty often, and in dialogue, the rules of grammar can be relaxed a little!

"The water was exquisite; shaving my legs divine." I believe both parts of a sentence divided by a semi-colon have to be ale to stand by themselves as complete sentences? No?

"Together we watched the code team work on my body, their efforts waning with each passing minute." I think it should be 'their efforts seeming more futile' rather than 'efforts waning', with all respect to the diligent Emergency Medical Care teams. They struggle beyond the logical end, and hate to 'call' it. I should know, I have been a part of them for years.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable ** }
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Review of A New Start  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello CuriousBones Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: The bit about it being an entry for the Short Shots Contest does not belong in the title. It can be part of the intro, or even better, a link at the bottom of the tale. Then again, the part that is the title itself - 'A New Start' - it is not sublime or lyrical, but is an apt enough title.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Beginnings must be flawless. there's no two ways about that. Any errors in the first para, especially the first line will put off the potential reader.

"The door to the diner swung open hard, bouncing of the wall behind Mick and Sonia(')s table" 'bouncing off', and apostrophe needed to indicate the table was occupied by Mick and Sonia.


"They halted at the front door, quickly turning the sign to say closed and pulling the blinds" 'quickly turning the sign to Closed' or else enclose that word in quotes, or make it all caps. Something to indicate that that is what the sign said.

I'd tauten that bit of description to indicate the tension, the sense of terror. Maybe a waved gun menaced the diners enough to choke the screams building in their throats? Otherwise the heist would not be conducted with so little attention, would it?

*Flower5* The Setting: The diner could have been described a little - how it made the crime an easy one, or how it impeded it. There is plenty of opportunity as you describe the robbers moving in and around it. It would heighten the atmosphere.

*Flower5* The Characters: One gets a little feel of the characters of Mick and Sonia from their actions, but some more description would help. That enigmatic smile could extend to a description of the eyes and mouth.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I do not wish to repeat myself, there were enough words to build up all the required elements, just a tad more.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The prompt was the bit at the end only, it seemed tacked on to make the story fit. It cold just as easily been something else, it was not central to the story or an imaginative use, in my opinion. It was within the requirements though.

Some bits of the story seemed not credible, the robbers wore masks, but the protagonists were not so enabled. How come nobody could describe them, in spite of being observant enough to notice the eyes and the smile? Could not the car have been described? Not one soul could tell what happened? Strange. If it had been a Robin Hood kind of story, with the crook's previous booty being taken away, all present spoils left behind, and the crooks neatly trussed for the police, it might be more plausible. The diners might have conspired to thank their deliverers thus.

There were plenty of spare words to take this story in that direction, if so desired.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5*13+
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*1356
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: It is amazing that most of the entries were inspired to write crime based stories. I liked the fact that this was a ‘secondary' crime; not primarily intended to be one from the start. Inevitable given the propensities of the protagonists, but that is your own interpretation.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just a few:
"The tall guy wearing the black balaclava started making his way round the diners, black bag in tow() he pointed the gun at them, ordering them in a muffled voice to drop all wallets, cell phones and keys in to the bag. " 'into the bag', it is one word.

There were places where I felt the sentence might benefit from an added comma. I must add in a special disclaimer here - I know nothing about comma, considering them pesky wriggling tadpole like squiggles that are supposed to separate phrases, but more often than not, just confuse the reader! At least in my hands. *Laugh* But would you say a comma was required at the paired brackets

"The second man was making a waitress empty the cash register, his patience seemed to be thinning as the young girl fumbled for the notes and kept dropping them" 'patience would wear thin, rather than itself thin. Perhaps it could dissipate or evaporate, crumble or ... you find the synonym!

"This was a fresh start and he wasn’t about to let these muppets ruin it for them." I did not quite get the reference here - are muppets a derogatory term for hold-up guys? Or is there some other connotation?

"They had tried being straight for 48 hours and it had turned into a disaster, he missed his old life already." 48 hours, it was already a disaster? How?

"No-one could say they hadn’t tried, and she knew men like this guy" Why is ' No one' hyphenated? I think they hadn’t tried, I'm sorry, but there was just no empathy for cold-blooded killers who try to be 'straight' for 48 hours. How were they any better than the one's they thwarted? They committed the same crime, with more violence, for the mere 'crime' of a lascivious leer!

"Sonia nodded her head to Mick, he moved so fast, before anyone could even gasp() his fist had smashed in to the robbers face." Is there a comma needed there? Try reading it aloud and see if a natural pause occurs there.

"The shots echoed loudly in the silence and everyone stared in shock as the small hole in each robbers forehead started to bleed" After death, wounds do not bleed, a small trickle of blood is all that might appear. Ditto for the 'pool of blood' from the third robber.

"Her hand slipped into Micks " Missing apostrophe, this recurs at many places. It is present even in the ending sentence. Like beginnings, endings must also be flawless.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
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Review of The Memorable Day  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello 🌖 HuntersMoon Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I felt the title was apt but it did not work hard enough. considering the subject, it is obvious the memories are going to be lasting, it is not enough to just state that the day was memorable. I appreciate the ending and the irony though.

*Flower5* The Beginning: This was an effective beginning, strong on setting, both physical and emotional, introducing the protagonist from the outset. Yet I found room for one niggling 'Huh?' moment, the kind that stops you in your tracks and makes you go back and re-read the words. I'll deal with it in my 'Suggestions' below.

*Flower5* The Setting: The initial setting was excellent, but a few more words could have been expended building up the characters, the interaction between mother and daughter. There was plenty left to play around with, you barely used half of the word limit.

*Flower5* The Characters: I did not get a feel of the age of the characters, were they college kids, high school kids? Billy can drive so he must be - 16? 18? Of course social mores are different from place to place, but I felt the lake with its narrow approach road was asking for disaster. Why did they not make it safer, or declare it out of bounds for vehicles?

*Flower5* The Descriptions: some of the descriptions are both unusual and striking. I choose to highlight this one, but many could have qualified for a similar accolade.
"She inhaled the sunshine and exhaled the night."


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It is amazing that the image prompt threw up such a variety of tales and yet the impression of speeding along in a black car has taken many to accidents, violence or crime. Still well within the faithfulness to the prompt, however.

I am afraid the end was a little beyond me, I could not figure out if it was fore-shadowing or illusion, nightmare or reality. I could see its potential to be a winning stroke and yet felt unsure enough of the rules that would make it so. It has more to do with my inability than yours, but I wonder if there are more clueless readers like me out there?

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5*13+
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*989
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: It had to be the use of unusual metaphor for description; you never got the metaphors mixed either, just expanded in the right direction. For e.g.: "not a single word took root, let alone blossomed into understanding in her mind."

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just a few places where I had to stop and think.

In your beginning para: "Betty Jean sat up " is followed closely by "She languidly stretched under her covers". If she had already sat up, how is she able to stretch under the covers? Just a niggling thing, but it made me go back and disrupted my smooth reading.

"Day's like this should last forever." The apostrophe is not required.

"What's on the agenda for today?" asked her Mom. There are 'n' number of ways to avoid the 'said' and 'ask' words. These add nothing to the tale. It is also an opportunity to add depth to the relationship between mother and daughter. Who is the dominant one, was it a hesitant query? Was it a suspicious one? Was it intrusive? Did Betty Jean disregard it with just a mumbled answer? Did she toss her head in a rebellious manner but give a meek and complete reply? You do well later to have Betty Jean 'bubble' as she answers and have her mother 'warn' instead of 'say' her words of caution.

"It was an old car that he had bought and totally rebuilt" I think the word 'totally' is ambiguous and careless. Obviously it cannot be totally rebuilt. Some parts must have been retained. Otherwise what was the whole point? Maybe 'rebuilt with loving care'? Or ' in passionate detail'
?
"His handsome faced creased with a smile() making her sigh.
"
Would you say a comma was needed here? I also feel either 'creased into a smile' or ' was creased with a smile' would be more appropriate. But, that's just me.

"The police knew they'd be seen trying to reach it and the kids took full advantage of that fact." What advantage did they take? Were they able to stop amorous activities and appear engaged in some bird-watching? What stopped the officers from approaching on foot? I doubt they posted lookouts, being otherwise occupied.




Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
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Review of Happiness  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Smee Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: The title is apt, but that's not quite enough. It is apt in the same way the title of an essay is fitting for its subject. It is not striking or unusual, it does not arouse curiosity about what might lie within, it has no subtle undercurrent of meaning that becomes ironically apparent after the read. I would commend Jeffrey Archer or Frederick Forsyth for examples of such titles. Especially for their short stories, both as collection and individual tales.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The style is light and chatty, despite the grim undertones of the story. I have not been able to decide if the contrast heightens the mood effectively or dilutes its emotional impact. Maybe if the story was longer I would have been able to do so.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting is one of the things that is well done, and it sticks to the image prompt with faith and detail. There is a subtle undercurrent of humour that I appreciate.

*Flower5* The Characters: We get a glimpse of the male protagonist, not so much as a look at the narrator. I suppose 'my new man' implies newly wedded husband? Ah, yes, there's mention of a wedding present a few lines later.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Some parts are good, the mood is well set. It is too short to get more than just an impression of promise.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: This is a short one, just over 500 words. It seems as though it is hastily written and entered; with such a large number of words left with which to deepen interest and expand the tale, you choose to keep it short. Not that short stories cannot be effective, far otherwise, but this failed to provide the classic elements of Problem-Conflict-Resolution.

There are some bits that puzzle, after all the details about the drive and his eyes and how they would light up, the feel of his leather jacket - there is an inexplicable amnesia for other details - seemingly related ones.

" Where were we going? Whose car was it? What was I wearing? What colour was his hair? What was the weather like? " /c}

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5*13+
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*595
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the contrast in the story. It is a pity that so many should have immediately thought ACCIDENT when shown that image prompt. It should be possible to let the wind whip through one's hair on a drive without driving to one's end.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"He's barely taken it off since opening it." He would have had to put it on before taking it off. So opening the present is a non-sequitur. Then 'barely' taken it off doesn't make much sense. maybe something like” He’s had it on for thirty-six of the forty-eight hours we've been married' or 'he's taken it off only to sleep, and even that was under protest'.

"the wind rushing past the open window as my left ear rests on his chest. He is always calm when driving," Whatever happened to seat belts and safe driving? Whenever this kind of thing is shown in a movie I grit my teeth and screw up my eyes, waiting for the inevitable.

"The doctors say it was a miracle I wasn't hurt. Not even a scratch. But they don't realise what's been torn away." I would say that was one set of insensitive doctors then, not to understand personal loss and grief.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
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Review of Butch  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello silverfeathers Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: Now this was a title that stood out as unusual, terse - it gave little away; I was intrigued by it even as an image of an aggressive male rose into my mind. After the read, I chuckled over how it related to the story. Good job - *Thumbsup*!

*Flower5* The Beginning: Ah, the first sentence was echoed in the intro, rightly so, it was the central theme of the story! The beginning introduced all three characters, set the tone of family and subtle humour and breezy chatty style, setting the scene perfectly. Another tick mark, in my book!

*Flower5* The Setting: The emotional setting in this one was perfectly done, the young boy's natural suspicion, protectiveness and jealousy. Butch, the mother, both were easy to visualise, physical clues were slipped in deftly. The narrator remains in the shadow, as so often happens, but since his emotions come through so strongly, it was not much of a loss.

*Flower5* The Characters: I rather fell for Butch - err - Kyle. He deserves to get a prize for perseverance, but love is a good incentive. Little Joey was endearing, so believable in his attitude and reactions. The oblivious mother, always willing to put the best spin on her child's behaviour was a perfect foil to the interaction of the two warring males, although the devious machinations were completely one-sided.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I loved the way the image prompt slid into this seamlessly, all the details, including attire and pose, windows down, the wind whipping through the car, all fit in.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Excellent use of dialogue to set up atmosphere, by the way. Dialogue is not an easy thing to insert and have it seem natural. Often it looks stiff or contrived, here it was so much a part of the story I noticed the deft usage only later.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5*ASR
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*1995
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: Oh, this one was hilarious, loved the humour that was the leit motif in the story. This had to be the maverick, the one that had the odd kick in its gallop. I was impressed by the direction taken by this story, so different from the action packed crime or accident tales that I had come across. Kudos.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
I could find nothing that jumped out at me. There was an overuse of 'he said' and 'I said' dialogue tags. I'd suggest replacing them with any of the innumerable options available - like 'I growled' or 'he stammered'. Since it was a nine year old relating the tale, I felt it was not a 'biggie'.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
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Review of Escape  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Hyperiongate Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: Mmm ... the title is short, interesting and apt, although one has to wait until after the read to appreciate it. It wasn't out and out unusual or attention grabbing, yet the subtlety of meaning adds to its impact.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning did a lot that is asked of this element of a story. It set the scene, it introduced the lead character, it gave us an idea of the tone and theme of the story. It was also impeccable in grammatical construction and spelling, something that's half the battle won for a beginning.

*Flower5* The Setting: The descriptions made the physical and emotional settings stand out in 3-D, a difficult job well done.

*Flower5* The Characters: Leon, ah, everything about him is nondescript, except his name and his dreams, or should I say destiny? Excellent twist in the tale, BTW!

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Some of the lines used words in a distinctively unusual and strikingly vivid way:
"He pulled his collar up around his neck and turtled his way deeper into the suit." & "Overcrowded commuter buses and a one-pillow bedroom served as bookends to his daily routine of a dull job and non-existent social life" *Thumbsup*


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I like people who get of the beaten track with prompts, yet fit the prompt built up, line by line, seamlessly within the tale. I would give you points also for originality of tale and for character description.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5*13+
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*1973
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: This had a satiric look at the extraordinary dreams of ordinary men, something on the lines of Walter Mitt with a shade more fantasy thrown in.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
Well formatted, with clean one line interspaces, impeccable punctuation, grammar and spelling. Any tiny typos take nothing away from the story, I did not bother hunting for them.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
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Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Matty Zink Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: The title would be fitting for an essay on that subject, the only thing it has in its favour is the appeal of its incongruity. Other than that, and perhaps a modicum of aptness, it falls short on ingenuity or appeal.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I wondered if an engine rumble would be that disturbing to a driver ahead? The cop car must have needed an oil change and probably new pistons! OK, I'm no mechanic, but doubts that are raised in the reading of the first line are a good thing. considering the sirens later mentioned, the guy had remarkably acute hearing to note the engine rumble too. Beginnings must not only set the scene, introduce the characters or the theme, or the theme, all of which this did - but they must be flawless too.

*Flower5* The Setting: The physical setting gets an adequate handling, the interaction and emotional ones are dealt with too. I wonder why I am left with the sensation that more could have been done? There were some words left to play with, perhaps the material could have some depth added?

*Flower5* The Characters: The hitchhiker is described in detail, Cheryl gets enough of a look-in too, it is just the narrator who remains in the shadow. I fail to understand how Cheryl would insist on picking up serious competition, in the already tension charged situation. Credibility of character is a must. Of course if there were implications of swinging both ways, or maybe she was just kind-hearted? *Confused*

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The descriptions were slightly tough guy, mimicking the narrator's mindset. But nothing characteristic enough to make us get a good look at him. The words were adequate without being the kind that makes one stand back and appreciate the imagery.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Well, this was slightly off the beaten track, but its direction and ending were all to predictable. All except the last line. It was inexplicable for two reasons; one -why would such thoughts occur to him after the loss - double cross could have jumped in much earlier. Two - as far as I know, the desert is NOT full of holes, although it might be easier to dig one there, rather than in a rocky outcrop!!

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: The end might have been inevitable, it doesn't mean the journey was not pleasant.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
The indents meandered all over the place, one set for first lines of paras, one for dialogue and one for unspoken thoughts. When these occur in quick succession the visual impression of a sinuous track.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

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