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Review Requests: ON
2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
Previous ... 10 11 12 13 -14- 15 16 17 18 19 ... Next
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello onechance Author Icon_welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: Titles are supposed to do more than state the nature of the contents within. They can shock, they can please, they can be poetic or stark; the one they should have is impact. This was a title that was 'expected' in that darkness is oft termed 'unfriendly'. How about if you termed it 'Friendly' instead. It still gives away nothing of the story, less in fact. Because of the twist in the story it is equally apt. But now the inherent paradox makes a casual reader determined to read on and find reason behind the see-saw statement.

*Flower5* The Beginning: There was some confusion of tense. Is it past tense or present? If the first few lines are a prelude, fine. But even the next para continues the roller-coaster ride of tense. "These thoughts spin through my head as Steven traps my arm in the door. The fight had started out small; the usual stuff. He wanted drugs, and i had voiced my concern just as i always did. " There are a number of personal pronoun 'i's that need capitalization.

*Flower5* The Setting: The emotional setting is well depicted, the physical setting is ignored. In such a short story, with the emphasis on feelings, this need not be considered as anything lacking.

*Flower5* The Characters: The difference in characters is hinted at, the contrast more implied than described, yet the delineation is sufficient.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Only Steve is described in chilling detail. One understands the reason for this only at the end.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I liked the read, although I did have one or two questions. Once one realizes who Steve is, the question of his being able to create the situation arises: "These thoughts spin through my head as Steven traps my arm in the door" Would he able to do that? Why?

*Flower5* What I liked: The twist at the end is sublime. I could forgive you all else for that inspired end.

*Flower5* Suggestions: The space in between paras is not consistent. You could check that out.

"His muscled frame breathes heavily, like he is in pain" This sentence did not sit quite right, to my mind. How about: 'His muscled frame heaves with each breath, like he is in pain'.

"The swish of a doctors jacket" 'Doctor's jacket', the apostrophe is needed to indicate possession of the jacket by the doctor.

"A familiar() yet unwelcome() voice calls to me" 'Yet' implies that what's familiar must be welcome. Or so it seems to me. Perhaps a little explanation can be added to say ' The familiar voice is unwelcome; it calls me.' If you wish to retain it as it is, commas must be added at the paired brackets.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Breathe  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello ShellySunshine Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **


*Flower1* I see that many of your poems wear badges of honour. I am not a poet, I have to coax and shove, twist and tease words into place. I use crutches of rhyme and meter to prop my attempts. This kind for free-wheeling expression is awe-inspiring.

*Flower1* The title could just as easily be that phrase that echoes in the poem, it underlines the feeling of oppression, fear, panic ... 'no time to breathe'. You do use it as intro.

*Flower1* The emotions depicted are stark and real. I felt the lines below expressed the suppressed anger of these potential human 'bombs'. "Fear, voices, the word no
Set you off like a rocket
Ready to explode."

*Flower1* I do not know if I would call this a 'prefect' poem, I will however say it is vivid and brings a three dimensional situation to the mind. I feel small and insignificant before the effortless flow of words.

*Flower1* I hope that my prose will have the power your poetry displays. I don't suppose you give out samples? *Laugh*

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
328
328
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello weshall Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.
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*Flower1* I suggest that works in progress be kept as "Private, for my eyes only" or access restricted with a passkey. That way it prevents people from giving you hit-and-run ratings in frustration at finding a rough draft instead of polished piece.

*Flower1* I thought the premise behind the story and your development of it into a romance was original. English too has the saying - "Dog in the manger".

*Flower1* A small suggestion, an ellipsis is just three periods in a row; that is sufficient to indicate pause and thought. I will not even go into the intricacies of 'en' and 'em' dashes.

*Flower1* Mmm ... a lot of questions posed in there, here's hoping you get the answers all planned out and invite me back for the read. I would love that opportunity to revise my rating upwards.



Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


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Review of Just a Farmer  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Ben Langhinrichs Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

c:violet}*Flower5* The Title: This title becomes sublime only after the entire poem is read through. Yet it is different enough to entice by creating a 'How can' moment - how can a poem be written about such a self-deprecating look at oneself?

*Flower5* Rhyming: Quatrains lend themselves to numerous attractive patterns, the abab kind requires laternate rhyming lines. you have most in perfect direct rhyme.

*Flower5* Meter: Great! There's meter too, tetrameter at that, one of my favourite counts. It is difficult because there are less syllables to play with.

*Flower5* Grammar: Goodness me, this part is impeccable too - is there anything this Wonderman can't do?

*Flower5* Poetry Form: I do think there's form beyond the quatrain, but feel free to correct me oh, Learned One.

*Flower5* Poem as a whole: Laughing riches! I read your name as that when I first espied it; I shall always think of you that way.

*Flower5* Remarks: The ending is so superb it deserves a BIG *Thumbsup**Check2*

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear Me  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Noelle Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window. [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title.

*Flower5* The Resolutions: Four main ones, with sub-resolves and goals. All highlighted with bullets of WritingML, well done. I did tell you the mnemonic idea was a great way to make an impact?

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: An image, ah at last, there's colour and brightness! This was not a requirement, and it would be unfair for me mark you any higher for having it. But there's no harm in appreciating a good image! Then there is inventive use of font and colour. I liked the effects. I am not too enamoured of the emoticons and links, I think they make the piece 'busy'. It had a motto and a mnemonic; both these were absolutely unique.

*Flower5* The Grammar: I enjoyed this read so much I had to go back and read it over for error search! I found a couple of misplaced commas, and one ending preposition, but I decided to ignore them all. What's a a little spilled mustard, when has relished the meal and the side dishes?

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: I loved the effort to dress up the piece, a 'feast' for the eyes and the mind.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: I remember you, I even think I asked you if you had a sixth sense? Well, this seventh sense seems to stand you in good stead. Well done.

*Flower5* The Whole: Excellent planning and detailing of how to reach the goals. Mini-resolutions or sub-headings to each main resolution.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 10.09 KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Thanks for a great read; I refuse to say another word!


Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear Me  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello LdyPhoenix Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window. [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title

*Flower5* The Resolutions: You never made any, oh wait, you did. You just did not name them as such. Three main areas tackled and well detailed as to the 'whys' and 'hows'.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: There's a touch of of unmistakably 'you'. Whether it is the way you compare and contrast your various needs, or the name you give to resolution, or the superb conclusion. Kudos for that deft stroke.

*Flower5* The Grammar: Some bits that slipped out of place. I detail them in "Suggestions", below. The comma confusion was a more or less universal fault, but some of the others might have benefited from a second look.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: Loved the ending and its subtle self-deprecating humour. I also think you deserve a pat on the back for your attitude to reviews.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: I guess experience is a harsh teacher, I am glad you take your knocks as stepping stones and rise above adversity.

*Flower5* The Whole: I'm such a glutton, I enjoyed the taste enough to want more. But this one felt strangely complete, even though it was a mere mouthful.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 4.49 KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions: " Do not think however that you can now sit back out on the patio" Confused preposition combinations are one of the prime causes on 'Huh' moments. The kind that make you stop and wonder what was said. I'd drop either 'back' or 'out'.

"Dust yourself off and stretch out those sore muscles(,) for the year of 2009 has arrived, and by the looks of things(,) its going to be the best of your life." Other than a couple of extra commas, there's a mistake even seasoned writers make. 'Its is the possessive pronoun, "it's" is the word you want - expanding to 'it is'. In case of doubt expand and test the sense, then restore to abbreviated form.

"Unfortunately, it is the human condition to judge one another," I thought that the mot juste might be 'tendency'.





Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Chill Out!  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello Stik to My Own Beat Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window. [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title

*Flower5* The Resolutions: The mood was set in the title itself, a stern admonition to relax. The various stressors are identified one by one and plans to detach from them are enumerated.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: Making a list of activities to stop was a most unusual resolution list.

*Flower5* The Grammar: No real biggies, yet some points did come up.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: It takes courage to slow down and lay down the load for a while. Good for you.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: Instead of repeating the words 'you need to chill out' and then detailing the activity, you could make them : Chill Out #1/#2 and so on. Avoids the feeling of repetition of phrase and yet reiterates your point. Another word that cropped up often was 'area'.

*Flower5* The Whole: This could have had humour added by making about 'stoppers': Stop dithering, Stop taking on more than you can handle, Stop being so hard on yourself, etc. etc. I wish you all the best with your 'Chillers'.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 5.30 KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'ASR' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"that's not something you can afford.Now is the time to cut back." Space missing between sentences.

"You need it chill out in regards to this" 'You need to chill out in this regard' - would you say that made better sense?

"It doesn't help that because you can't resolve everything yourself it makes you a less than adequate leader." Hmm, something awry here. Let me see, is this what you mean: 'It doesn't help that you feel less than adequate as leader when you cannot personally resolve all issues.' I give up on the comma placement there.

"So stop angsting about your lack of involvement in 2008" New word for me. "Angst', yes. Angsting, no.





Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear me, myself.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Unwritten Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window. [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title.

*Flower5* The Resolutions: One grand scheme for life. A fresh and innovative approach, however the exercise was the setting out of goals for the coming year, credible ones with defined paths.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: Some near philosophical metaphor in there, it starts out well, then goes nowhere. Like the bit about the heat and cold in the beginning. What exactly was the point being made there?

*Flower5* The Grammar: Could not find much at which to cavil.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: The bit about not wanting to have the same year twice.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: Excellent resolve here, would that it had gone on for a little longer. It is not enough to merely fall into acceptable contest requirements, one has to rise above to make an impact.

*Flower5* The Whole: neat, fresh, thought provoking. A note to oneself of life goals. If that is what you set out to achieve, 'tis well done.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 2.07 Just scraped in, but that's good enough. KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions:


Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear Me  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello ShiShad Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window. [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title.

*Flower5* The Resolutions: A round dozen resolutions. Since these were witty one-liners, rather than weighty issue-wrestling paras, it was not oversized.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: Funny, the ha-ha funny type. I sniggered at the first, the seventh and the last! Of course, the same twist appeared in some, but 'twas middling inventive, 'twas enough, 'twill serve.

*Flower5* The Grammar: I found one tiny error at the beginning, one slap bang in the middle, one at the end. Otherwise a deft piece of writing.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: The beginning made me expect a serious letter, the list was superb. With a good title (Yeah, for the list too!), I would have risen to my feet as I clapped.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: "Do something successful for a change. " I thought your wiser side was a bit harsh upon you. There are gentler ways of motivating even losers, you're not one by a long chalk.

*Flower5* The Whole: Refreshing, it is amazing how many different 'takes' I have seen of this prompt. Organized in zany fashion. Guaranteed to put a smile on the most morose reader's face.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 2.47 KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
" We both know how forgetful you can be anymore."
Maybe you mean 'nowadays'?

"We both know how you tend to loose track of things when they are out of sight lately." I think that is 'lose track', or I hope it is. *Laugh*

"Your Wiser Side Of Yourself" Either 'The Wiser Side of Yourself' or "Your Wiser Side".


Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear Me - 2009  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello JACE Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window. [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title

*Flower5* The Resolutions: Supposedly just two; both had some mini-resolutions within. Along with the stated but unlisted ones, I'd say you had a comfortable six there. The enthusiasm to get to the tasks, after the doubt and hesitation (feigned?) in the beginning, was contagious.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: Unusual. A dialogue format. It is actually a monologue because the voices are inside your head, but who could understand you better than you? *Laugh* Good comic timing. Timing is all important. Realistic conversation. A firm *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* The Grammar: Excellent use of italics for the inner thought, and bold for emphasis, in such a zany conversation, use of any device to separate the inseparable was laudable. The comma, ellipsis, and other gimmicks of punctuation were well employed. Kudos

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: You create this quirky muse/inner voice/whatever that allows you to shuffle of responsibility for - shudder -dark deeds. I loved the suspense created as you deftly led me down the wrong path. Not for long, but 'twas enough to be enthralling. Never did like highways, the meandering road has surprises.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: Well, it was a letter, if both sides were equally vocal, to whom were you addressing the letter. Who was author, and who the reader?

*Flower5* The Whole: I'd say this was one of the most inventive presentations of resolutions. Thank-you for making my day chortle-full.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 5.93 KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: '13+' - You did well to remember this one. It was only suggestive of violence, but it required this rating despite the innocent outcome. *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions: None, go on and write more!


Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear Me  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Chayla Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window. [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title.

*Flower5* The Resolutions: More or less one resolution, and five means or ways to get there. Gave a rather uni-dimensional picture of what you want from 2009, but that's not against the rules.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: Brevity is not quite the unique characteristic for which one should strive. You just nipped in, under the wire, with the item length.

*Flower5* The Grammar: No biggies, but with such a short piece, it was easy to keep 'clean'.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: Trying to work two jobs, including week-ends and still write, is laudable by any standards of dedication.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: At one point it mentions writing during lunch breaks at Emcon and Wal-Mart. Another point says Emcon laid yo off. this is written at one point in time, why are two situations being discussed? You could put the first part in the past tense: "I know you wrote..." rather than "I know you write...".

*Flower5* The Whole: Simply short.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 2.09 KB *whew* just made it.*Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: '13+' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"Only sitting down and writing() will you achieve your goal." If you insert a 'by' between the first and second words, it makes more sense. A comma at the paired brackets might help.

"and how to procede from there" 'proceed'

"leave your writting for a day or two" 'writing'. To spell that word wrong is unpardonable. Spell-check picked it up, just fine.



Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear Me  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Tink_mom42 Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window. [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title.

*Flower5* The Resolutions: Well reasoned and just a brief look backwards to set the face firmly forwards. Three main life goals, broken up well into subsets and with excellent plans on how to achieve them. I begin to see why you are successful in attaining the goals. You plan well.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: There is a wonderful sense of humour that leavens the serious purpose in this. I had this idiotic grin on my face as I was reading; son number one was casting dubious glances at me, implying disintegrating sanity. *Laugh*

*Flower5* The Grammar: Like I said, mislaid my fine-tooth comb, but I doubt if I'd have found much. A couple of things caught my eye, but I wasn't looking very hard, the whole was too enjoyable.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: I really loved the bit about gauging stress by the pitch of the voice. I laughed my head off there, and had to blindly scrabble under my chair, to retrieve it. Not dignified for a judge, wonder if I should take retribution in any way. I wonder how? *evilgrin* Nahhhh, I still had a great time!

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: You feed the left-overs and microwave a TV dinner for yourself, so who gets the freshly cooked meal that food got left-over from? (Bad construction, but I'm pondering here!) Ah, yes. The puppy no doubt has first dibs on the food! Presumably he's also the one flopping on the couch after a walk and begging for water? *Laugh* Just kidding, but who does?

*Flower5* The Whole: Loved the read. I really liked the introspection, the pause for congratulation, the analysis and ruthlessly honest directions. There was love and affection, determination and fortitude and that zany zingy humour that added zest to the whole! Marvelous, I feel replete.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 7.06 KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions: I wondered about the spelling of 'gage' and 'hording'; tending to think in 'my' system of spelling. I then used the spell-check to determine that this was perfectly valid USA usage.

Some minor comma issues; but I am not the greatest judge of where to place that pesky thing.




Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of A letter to me.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello cosmicgypsy Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window. [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title. Although yours differed from the majority it was a bald statement of fact, no innovative 'spin' on either prompt or contents.

*Flower5* The Resolutions: Liked the logic of calling it a 'to pursue' list, you are right, most of the stuff on the 'To Do" list is left undone! Five worthwhile resolutions, credible and definitely within your capacity, to cross of as 'done' by year's end.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: Yay, you do not call it a 'year', but the more attractive 'one more trip around the sun'. I liked the way life is called 'time on the water'. In all, the use of elegant phrase and catchy metaphor made this enjoyable.

*Flower5* The Grammar: Nothing really staggering enough to be decried, yet there was enough to make one disappointed.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: Great closing benediction. Reminded me of the letter writing of yore.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: This had skill and talent peeing at every turn; a little effort would have raised the bar considerably. For an important contest it is worthwhile expending that effort. You may not win, but you will gain exposure and knowledge from the feedback.

*Flower5* The Whole: I liked the use of riparian metaphor.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 4.78 KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"within those lines of text you’ve penned are a goldmine" A bit of mixed metaphor there. But, let's just consider grammar, either 'is a goldmine' or 'are goldmines'. How about saying instead 'shine words of golden potential'? Same meaning, metaphor intact, avoids a tough choice.

"This list as all things are fluid they change to adapt to circumstances" A bit awkward, try: 'This list, like all things fluid, will change to adapt to circumstance.'


"It is ok you have other fish on the line" I prefer 'OK' or "okay'. Then, a comma after 'OK', would help. Lastly, the metaphor was about being a river, then a boat, now it is an angler.
All vivid in illustrating your point but a bewildering plenty of metaphor.

" Since its return you have maintained the momentum
that you need to “get r done”." I think there is some formatting gone awry there. Perhaps the use of indent running amok? It continues and irritates.

"by years end." year's end. Apostrophe required, possession is implied.

"I believe it to be worth while for a few reasons" Either 'worth my while' or 'worthwhile'.

"As you can see the list is short() but don’t be fooled though" No need for both 'but' and 'though' in that sentence. A comma at the paired brackets might help.

"In closing() a toast() as you make way" Commas required at those points.

Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear me... Oh My  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Lotta Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window. [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title, I have said that 35 times before and been disappointed. Then a newbie, the freshest of buds, gets it right. I loved the gentle expression of dismay inherent in that title, good use of alternate meaning.

*Flower5* The Resolutions: Three areas for a total of ten resolutions. A good mix between personal, professional and writing related ones. I liked seeing the whole you! The absence of an organized list was not a biggie, it suits the friendly chatty approach to this letter.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: It had a systematic approach without being purely business, it had informal and brezzy chatter without becoming inconsequential. It was honest without being dismissive of anyone or anything.I liked the refreshing style.

*Flower5* The Grammar: A couple of mis-used words/typos and some commas that wiggled out of place. No biggies.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: Your career includes your 'day job' as well as writing. kudos on giving each equal importance.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: It is a whole new ball game. The rest of it is 'I will focus' and "I will study" so this should be in the same vein. "It is going to be a whole new ball game."

*Flower5* The Whole: I enjoyed the read in a relaxed fashion. No frantic eye roving for mistakes or distracted by references or words beyond the common comprehension. Simple language, credible goals, segregated but not made into an inter-office memo.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 3.20 KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"thinking I was going to loose my mind, but I survived" This happens to a lot of people, but it is 'lose' for something you might be unable to retain possession of, 'loose' for something not slack or which is not taut.

"Look out world hear comes Carlotta" I think you mean 'here'.

"I plan to enhance, no() completely redo() my entire wardrobe" I think at least the comma after 'redo' is indicated.

Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear Me 2009  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello StephBee Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window. [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title

*Flower5* The Resolutions: Six is my golden mean for the number of resolutions. Enough to round out one's goals and make them encompass their world, both virtual and real. Yet not too many to accomplish. You hit that nail squarely on the head. Well organized and presented

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: You threw in a lot of sporting references. I'm not even sure which game. Football? (Chad Pennington) Base ball? (Three and out, like three strikes and you're out?) Basketball? (two point conversion?) But it stood out as different and to a more knowing judge, it might have been delectable. *Blush*

*Flower5* The Grammar: Impeccable, I would have expected no less.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: There's that leaven of humour, the zing in your style.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: There are a lot of references to person or place, somebody unfamiliar with your country or culture, might find these difficult to grasp. I looked at Chad Pennington, just the reference to 'The Comeback Kid' would have got your message across as effectively. I could not see the relevance of the 'went I-15 in 2008', Wikipedia say it is the "fourth-longest north-south transcontinental Interstate Highway in the United States,". Oh, it was 1-15! Some kind of score? Still fuzzy, but seeing a glimmer of light.

Or the buying of the lottery ticket 'just in case'. *Blush* How was the past year lackluster if you won 8th place in The 77th Writer's Digest? I'd be on cloud sixteen at least!

*Flower5* The Whole: There was no need to make goals include either WDC/Writing or the real world/home/career. Some have left one out, some the other. I loved the ones that had a balance of both, giving a 3-D 'peep' at the person. You chose to all about your writing. But perhaps your real persona revolves around that? Still, the kids get just a brief mention as factors that limit your time given to writing.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'ASR' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"My attempted two-point conversation " I say this with a great deal of hesitation, but was it 'conversation' or 'conversion'.

Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear Me  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello ~Mary A~ Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window. [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title

*Flower5* The Resolutions: The resolutions are late in coming and laconic compared to the beginning, yet they are credible and laudable goals.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: You take us on a journey into the past, the making of yourself. It was a refreshing experience.

*Flower5* The Grammar: The language is at times too 'flowery' and the effort to use words effectively shows. Take the opening line - "It is with a great disdain that I profess to write you this letter" Even using simpler words - "It is with great scorn that I agree/acknowledge/ to write this letter" - it just does not make sense. Rather you could say 'It is with great distress that I attempt to bridge the gap between us - our differing points of view.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: I liked the reminder of the beginning of the writing journey, it just took up too much of the letter. In the end, it became more 'flashback' than a looking ahead to 2009.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: It seemed to not only have a lengthy preamble but also a sketchy finish. The intentions and emotions in the beginning were repeated in only slightly differing ways.

*Flower5* The Whole: Your letter has an opening paragraph that states it is being written with 'great disdain'; yet that para ends with a claim of benevolent persuasion. A rather bewildering change of heart.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 6.93 KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
" Review your peers, for it is there opinion that matters and not the critics" 'their opinion'. This is a mistake that goes unchecked by any spell-checkers (automated variety).

"Let me begin where it is worthwhile to begin." I think the point would be underlined if you used the qualifying word 'most'. Thus: Let me begin where it is most worthwhile to begin.

"It was on a warm day several years ago that the idea of writing first came to you" Why the mention of the warm day? Was the lecture hall unbearably hot? Or had you slipped into an air-conditioned hall to escape the heat?

"listening intently to the lecturer speak with enticing prose" Prose is not generally used for the spoken word, more for the written one.

". Your first sets of ideas were all children’s books and you completed a fair few of them before I somehow convinced you that you had the potential to write longer stories" I have read children's books that were longer than those meant for adults. Is there something not quite worthy of ambition in children's books?

"You embarked on the rarely taken journey of literary intelligence shortly thereafter." If this a personal rarity it might be made clearer by saying it was previously 'uncharted territory' for you. Otherwise it seems as though you are saying few have taken such a literary journey.

"Your belief in yourself, I saw at that moment, was extremely depleted if not missing completely. " Which moment? What is extremely depleted? It is like saying 'almost poor' or 'very broken'. Another synonym can be used, 'needy' or 'shattered' respectively for the examples given before.

There are other places that might benefit from a second look.

Hoping you have a great 2009!

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear Me 2009  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Sandy~HopeWhisperer Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window. [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title. BTW, your intro says 'WCD' instead of WDC. You should change that, pronto.

*Flower5* The Resolutions: I liked the unconventional opening, it gave a direction to the year. But I would have chosen a verb other than 'submerge' for giving oneself upto the New Year. One with more hope and expectation, something like - 'embrace', perhaps? Eight resolutions, not counting the opening. Yet, they were credible and worthy.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: The bit about the parent-child relationship was poignant. It would help us all to learn what you counsel.

*Flower5* The Grammar: I am learning a bit about commas placement; I am still not an expert. So I hesitate to critique but the sentences seemed overlong, not to mention convoluted, at times. See the 'Suggestions" below for examples.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: There was a lot I could choose to laud, the daughter, the mother, the gallant trier. Yet it was the closing that caught my eye. It is spoke of learning to be happy in one's own skin. "You will dance and allow your spirit to speak not only to yourself but to others." *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: The wriggly, elusive comma has made some eloquent writing lose its impact.

*Flower5* The Whole: Well balanced between real life and writing life. I sometimes wonder about the people wh write the pieces and I thank you for allowing us to 'see' you.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 2.85 KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions:

"Do not let the difficult path he is travelling now*Check2* being unable to do for himself*Check2* dampen your spirit." Long sentence, lacking commas. I suggest placing these at the check marks. I would also substitute 'fend' for the word 'do'.

"This will be the year you will make strides in writing you have dreamed of, yet buried years ago under a mountain of hurt, brokenness, and the normal raising children, working three jobs to support them and the many medical difficulties they experienced." Again long, with jumbled phrases. It would benefit from being broken up in to shorter sentences, or else from re-arrangement of phrases. Better still, both.

"Those things lie within your soul and you alone can rob yourself of this" You already point out to 'those things', 'of them' would be a better choice, more lucid.

"You will dance and allow your spirit to speak*Check2* not only to yourself*Check2* but to others." I thought commas at those check marks might serve to emphasize what you are saying.

Words repeat, I saw 'enhance' and 'accomplish' both duplicated in quick succession. These are mere hiccups, the taste was great! *Laugh*



Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear Me  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Wyn - missing III Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window. [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title

*Flower5* The Resolutions: A bit scanty on the resolutions, three seemed to be making the minimum effort required. Yet I found two more resolutions hiding in the letter although they were not counted off, or numbered. (Fourthly, Fifthly)

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: All writing goals, appropriate for WDC. I just wonder though. if the persona was meant to be restricted to this dimension only?

*Flower5* The Grammar: Thank you for a neat and ordered format. I found the lines easier to read with the one line space between paras. A first line indent would have further enhanced it. You get out of awkward comma choices by using crisp one word and two word sentences. This makes good emphasis in the 'conversation' too.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: I liked your thoughts on reviewing and echo those sentiments heartily.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: Why would you turn up your nose at cinquains and haiku as non-poems? Yet, you think any effort to write stories should be encouraged, even flash fiction.

*Flower5* The Whole: Short - succinct.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 2.29 KB *Check3* Just barely made it - but you did!
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just one tiny quibble. First, let me applaud your comma-sense. (Much more useful than common sense! *Laugh*)

I thought resolutions 2 and 3 were parts of the same, both were about unfinished stories. Yet one was about making sure future writing efforts were carried to completion and the other was about finishing off the older bits and pieces. I'd make that separation clearer.

Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear Me  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Sticktalker Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window. [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title

*Flower5* The Resolutions: Few enough to retain attention, yet spread out over a vast spectrum of needs. Definitely credible and 3/5 is a laid back estimate that guarantees satisfaction.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: Guys are supposed to be good at listing stuff, should I waste time by saying this was well laid out? The different resolves cover the ground well, and if achieved, will make a 'new man' of you!

*Flower5* The Grammar: Most of this achieves your 'anti-goal' - *Laugh*! I like that term! Resolving what NOT to do! But there are grammar hiccups:
"If you can’t write more, maybe you should try to actually ride that bike you bought at the end of last summer more often than once a week." Uh-oh, the phrase splits up the meaningful direction of the rest. Maybe a little re-arrangement is required? (Also see "Suggestions" below)

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: In 2008 you finished just ONE project, so two will double last year’s effort. Good point. Loved the little note to spend more time with the spouse, even if it was an afterthought!

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: Why would you set out five goals when you do not set yourself a target of reaching them all? Why not set yourself only three? I felt that after a good bit of introspection, the resolve was lacking.

*Flower5* The Whole: Good, without being sublime. It stopped just short of that. Perhaps it was the chosen genres of 'Satire' and 'Comedy' - there was just the leaven of self-deprecation and gentle humour. I was expecting zany comedy and mordant satire.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 4.57 KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"You keep telling me that it's a best seller(*Check2*) now show me!" A comma required at *Check2*?

"some statements saying that you own money to the eye surgeon" 'owe' money? Maybe you need to pay the eye-surgeon a visit (and more money*Laugh*)?

"Right now I can only see about a square foot of actual desktop, the rest is covered by" *clears a space for the coffee mug by dumping some bills in the card holder* Well, if you can see one square foot of space - I'd say the desk is pretty clear! *Bigsmile*

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello granny Author Icon, I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: Without punctuation the title could be interpreted in a number of ways. Little-Nose will get you into trouble, is one such way. Then one reads the story and sees that it is a little boy, whose name is 'Nose will get you into trouble". I understand why you choose to label the item as 'other'. It is a story, set in prose-poetry form. I understand that it has a specific format, it has to be thus.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The story starts well as a fable must, with the introductory phrase setting the tale as one of 'long, long ago'.

*Flower5* The Setting: The story has the flavour of a different people. I wonder if your foot-note could also tell us a bit about them? Just a gentle query.

*Flower5* The Story: I loved the building up of the character, the curious young boy. The gentle tale unwound with simplicity. The passing on of the physical trait of a 'lightning streak' was an endearing touch.


*Flower5* Suggestions:
"he whole tribe would shake their heads in dispare, there he goes again that nose will one day get him in real trouble" Despair? And should not the remarks be enclosed within quotes?

There were some places where I felt an extra comma might make things more lucid. I give but one example:
"And then(,) one day in late spring(,) there came a storm such as even the eldest of the elders had never seen."


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of My Nightmare  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Anastasia. V. Pergakis Author Icon, I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


*Flower5* The Title: Apt title, it has a layer of meaning beyond the obvious, it hints at the emotion within, while giving away nothing of the direction of the tale. Yet, I wonder why I felt disappointed? It felt too 'pat', but that is what titles are supposed to be. It is illogical and I am sorry, because it is all that I normally expect from a title.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning sentences of the Short Story Playground Entries were already part of the prompt. Well devised and calculated to drop one smack into the story.

*Flower5* The Setting: This was a bit patchy. One could have done with a little contrast between the dingy hotel room and the apartment. What was 'D's place' like? A little description about how it felt comfortable despite being much simpler than the Ritz would tell a lot about the emotions too.

*Flower5* The Characters: There were a number of them , the on-line friend, the real-life friend, the ex-step Dad (he was the step, was he not?), the two persona of the narrator. They should have had some sharp outlines to define them and their need to be in the story. A lot of it seemed to be put there with a 'take it or leave it'. For example if David is exploiting 'Jade' (we do not know her other name) why are the encounters so infrequent? What happened during the 'kidnapping'? Why was the hair lost? Who exactly is David, and why can't the police take care of him?

*Flower5* The Descriptions: We never really 'see' any of the characters. How does the narrator's appearance look normally? Isn't the garb described for 'Jade' rather unnecessarily meretricious?

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: THe story progressed well from the Problem to the Conflict and finally the Resolution. I felt that a little more explanation and tying up of loose ends would help make the solution neater.

*Flower5* What I liked: It is difficult to build a tale from one sentence. What amazed me about this contest was the variety of directions writers took that first line. Yours was imaginative and refreshing.

*Flower5* Suggestions: A few points that had me thinking and the comma placements. I am no expert on commas, but I felt a couple places needed them, see check marks:

"I lit a cigarette*Check3* and inhaled deeply*Check3* trying to calm my nerves. "

"I threw the phone across the room*Check3* then wiped my sweating palms on the sheets." Two totally unrelated actions. I would think that splitting it up into two sentences would make the emotions clearer. For e.g.: "I threw the phone across the room in a frenzy of disgust, intermixed with a familiar dread. I wiped my palms on the sheets, they had become slick with sweat."

"I had learned along time ago how to hide my fear" 'a long' not 'along'.

"I was the lucky girl who had to get "kidnapped" my sophomore year of high school – at least that's what the news had said" Please expand on this further. Even if the news said that, why did it do so? Lucky? How so?

"Lilly chewed on her bottom lip, a sure sign she was deeply thinking." Deeply thinking or thinking deeply? I plump for the latter expression, but it is your choice.

"But you're voice does sound familiar to me" This is one of the mistakes it is hardest to spot. I always expand all the shortened words and abbreviations to their fullest form. I check to see they still 'fit' and then return things to the original state. (So easy on a computer). This expands to "you are" and the correct word to use here is 'your'. Your voice, not you are voice.

Of course, the contest is long over. If you still wish to, a second look would improve this story.



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Praying Rights…  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Rising star Member to Member review January 2009

*Flower5* The Title: I liked the title very much. It was just my thought that using the singular instead of the plural would add another layer of meaning to it. Still a powerful and apt title.

*Flower5* Rhyming: I first read this through and sat back in awe at the message. Then I went back and checked to find an unusual choice for all the normal devices. A rhyming pattern of a-b-c-b-d-d-d-B. I had not come across it before but with the use of the last line refrain, it was extremely catchy.

*Flower5* Meter: Wow, this one had the natural cadence all right, but I did not expect meter too. That too was there, an impeccable 8-6-8-6-8-8-8-6 that echoed the rhyming pattern.

*Flower5* Grammar: By now I expected an exemplary punctuation and grammar. I found perfection here, too.

*Flower5* Poetry Form: I do not know of this form, but 'tis an attractive one, pleasing to both eye and ear. A foot-note for those who are not well versed in forms might help.

*Flower5* Poem as a whole:The whole was greater than the sum of its parts! If each device was used to perfection and imagery bloomed serene, the message of universal brotherhood was so significant in these times.

*Flower5* Remarks: How could I not mention the wonderful image made for you? It is as uplifting as the poem and matches it perfectly. The various colours in the robe stand for our multi-cultured world and the uplifted arms and face seemed to be looking upward for guidance. I normally give most items a fervent *Thumbsup**Check2*, for you I stand up in applause.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

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Review of Chained  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Jaye P. Marshall Author Icon - welcome to a review from {item:1451629 }. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: Short but evocative. The mind is unfettered by reality, and pictures what it wishes; restrained only within the hint of structure revealed in the intro. It could go in so many directions, one dives in to see. For all its brevity, an effective title - even more so after the read.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The scene is set, the mood of expectancy created deftly. The man's thoughts, spiraling with the whittled wood ... Bravo.

*Flower5* The Setting: The scenes are all 'set' well, be it the country landscape, the woods that were used for the 'nutting' or the cowshed and the rescue of the new calf. I now nothing of such scenes, but you brought it to life for me.

*Flower5* The Characters: Seemed as true to life as I could tell. The language was just gently rustic and 'fifties'. The names were of those times too.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Ah, this was done softly, tenderly. I loved the description of Willy's first glimpse of Eileen. "The sunlight glinted off her auburn hair and danced around the swirls of dust raised by her feet. "

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I loved the ending, I was wondering where the twist would come and how. I was prepared for something more dramatic. But this subtle turn to the tale was a master-stroke. I expected to be bludgeoned and got a swift thrust of the rapier from a master-swordsman!

*Flower5* What I liked: The ending, the ending, the ending. I learned a new word too - 'swagged'.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just couple of places that had me pondering:

"But she came once, he thought*Check3* as the flashing steel slowed to soft caressing strokes." Did you feel there was a comma required at the check mark?

"Well . . . eh. . . Miss . . . " he stammered*Check3* as his mother stepped out onto the porch, wiping her hands on her apron. Again, I thought it might be appropriate to place a comma at the check mark. Unless you intend to convey that he stammered because his mother came up?

"He and Pa just finished putting in the hay from the west field." He and Pa had just finished this chore when he saw her, so where was Pa? He doesn't come out throughout the entire conversation. You might let us know where he was? Had he gone off to put the tractor away?

"Couldn't ask for anything purttier for tables and the like" Whenever I have read that word, it has been spelled 'purty', with one 't', not two.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Legerdemain Author Icon, I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: "How Skip Made his Mother Cry." That is the title I would have liked to see. This was one humdinger of a story that had a cracker-jack ending! The title was so much a bland statement, that was just like the myriad other Mother's Day pieces, that it made me cry! Great stories require superlative titles. I am sorry to be severe, but I think a title has to do much more than just state what the story is about. It must cry out "Read me!" to a person just glancing through all the items on offer, it must promise something interesting lies within, it must just suggest the story but not reveal the whole,... oh, now you have got me onto my hobby horse, I may never stop rocking! *Bigsmile*

*Flower5* The Beginning: I love these beginnings that just crash land right in the middle of the story. I just had a brief halt at the name, why 'Oura'? Does it have a meaning specific to squirrels or their habitat?

*Flower5* The Setting: Squirrel behaviour was well researched. Nests *Check3*, storing, but not digging up the store over and over, *Check3*, Chattering, scampering *Check3*.

*Flower5* The Characters: I like the way worrying moms, and bright loving children are personified in this Squirrel family. Loved the bit about Uncle Henry. It is just deft details like this, that make this story great.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: There wasn't length enough for any vivid imagery but you slipped in a line that had me applauding. "Skip came hopping into the nest smiling from whisker to whisker" In a squirrel, it could not be from 'ear to ear', it is correctly described here and the similarity-difference is perfect.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I already said it was great, but after a second read I have to say I must correct myself. It was beyond great, it was superb!

*Flower5* What I liked: Kids. They are the same, the world over. You can't help but be moved by the amount of trouble they will take to get things 'just so'. Or the innovative ideas they get, either.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Please, give this the title it deserves. One of your own devising, if you wish.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Joy Author Icon, I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: I am more severe on story titles, I ask them to do more than a summing-up; for an article this one was OK, a statement of content. The reader is immediately sure whether or not they wish to enter within.

*Flower5* I like to twist words and ponder upon etymology, so this way of stating the content awoke my interest the more effectively.

*Flower5* Articles are for information and this one was well balanced. I would have liked to know more of the tale of the first feast and the Indians coming bearing gifts of food. Or any other tale of the feast, or even of its symbols like the cornucopia and turkey.

You do mention the tradition of pardoning a turkey, but that was a one-liner. Anecdotes save articles from being 'dry'.

*Flower5* The language and grammar are impeccable; as is the format of the article, with a first line indent, and a one line space between paras.

*Flower5* Most harvest festivals all over the world are a way of giving thanks for nature's and God's bounty. This is the only one known by the name that proclaims it so. Thank you for sharing a bit of its story with us.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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