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2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
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76
76
Rated: E | (4.0)
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..



*Flower5* The Item/Genre/Rating Choices: It took me quite a while to figure these out and there are still many of us clueless ones out there - you obviously are a champ and have all these down pat! They help in attracting the reader to an apt piece so it's worthwhile to get 'em right.

*Flower5* The Title: I always feel the title has the potential to be a major 'hook'. The incongruity in a simple exercise with complex explanation attracted attention, much as the XYZ for Dummies series does.

*Flower5* The Item as a Whole: It works! There's tongue-in-cheek adherence to the kind of detailed instructions that manuals have - with typically passionless but screamingly obvious bits added - probably to prevent the technically challenged from litigating that instructions were not detailed enough! !Loved the bits of humour that interspersed the dry instructions.

*Flower5* What I liked: I shan't give away the 'good bits' word for word, but I loved the note about modifications to the process if one's teen offspring was up late studying the night before, and also the alternative if one had baked one's own bread - down to your little 'aside'! It's easy to see you had fun writing this - so did I when reading it!

*Flower5* Suggestions:Tech manuals don't use italics and bold for emphasis - or do they? If so, the only thing I'd suggest would be that. For e.g.: It's your kitchen, find whichever would improve if the 'your' were italicized. But it's no way near a deal-breaker!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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Review of My Daffodils  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello LeBuert Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I liked that poetic exhortation in your bio-block with its mirrored phrase as summation. I found it as appealing as the as profound observation: "Perfectly Simple - Simply Perfect". Then too, I have always admired Wordsworth's (and what an apt surname that turned out to be!) similarly titled contribution. Now, sometimes that will work against a piece, association with, and subsequent inadvertent comparision to, a renowned write of the same or similar name. If you are not set on that title, it might help to alter it, subtly at least.

*Flower5* The General Impression: You appreciate the finer things in Nature, definitely one who 'stops to smell the roses' and even daffodils! *Laugh* We need more of your kind in this fast-paced world, to awaken us to the simple pleasure that thrill beyond description, far beyond the elusive aspirations we race towards on a futile treadmill called Life.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: Simple words and vivid images, weather warming, shoots sprouting, bees swarming, a hillside in yellow and white. Well done.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: As I already mentioned before, I thought a small alteration in title might be beneficial, and no, just adding the possessive pronoun is not enough to dissociate from that natural leap to WW's inspired poem. I like poetry to aspire to rhythm, it need have metered count, but when read aloud it should feel even to the ear, have a musical cadence to it. Think of all those nursery rhymes that have it. Half their appeal stems from that.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"The honeybees, soon swarming." Unless you want to begin each line with an article, the repeated use of 'the' distracts. If it is to provide a kind kind of echo, I apologise, but it did not appeal to me. Also the lines immediately preceding talk of what is happening NOW, the weather warming, the shoots coming fast. Here, the use of 'soon' pushed the action into near future, rather imply quick action in the present. The use of the word 'swarming' implies frenzied action anyway, it does not need the qualifier 'soon'. Also the rhythm benefits by cutting that word, makes the lines even when read aloud.

"At their very most peak," I found this to be the weakest line, as though words were just tacked on to end the line in 'peak'. The use of an adverb like 'very' to qualify a weak adjective 'most' compounds poor word choice. 'Peak' implies the ultimate in number, variety, beauty; there is no 'very ultimate', or 'most ultimate'.

"A foreboding of Spring." This one is just a niggle, so I have put it last, though it comes earlier in the write. I associate foreboding as a feeling that something is not right, as in 'foreboding of evil'. I do realise that it is illogical, one can can forebodings of either kind, but it made me feel that 'forebringer' was a better choice. But that's just me.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
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78
Review of Lavender Blue  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello ShellySunshine Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I love lavender, as a colour, as a fragrance, it stands for maturity with elegance in my mind, probably an association made because it was my mother's favourite too. So the title - Lavender Blue - attracted me.

*Flower5* The General Impression: After the read I realise it must be modelled on some song or rhyme or something not familiar to my milieu, my set-of-common-knowledge. I am from India, probably a world apart in terms of culture, a small foot-note would have five me a bench mark for judging how well the tribute, or even parody, worked. I did try the handy Google, but what it threw up did not resemble this ditty.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: The font mirrored the choice of theme, that is all I could find to say. I admit it is more a fault of my comprehension, but I just did not see where this one was going or what it wanted to say. Was it about a pair of unusually coloured jeans? No, T-shirts and jeans were happening to it. Was it about some old friend/lover? Was it a mood? I was totally lost. Yet, it had a kind of nostalgia, a gentle remembering without regret, it charmed even as it remained out of reach.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: Was there supposed to be rhyme? Was there a pattern to those verses? From couplets, to 3,4 and even 5 lines. From monorhyme to alternate, to none. I'm foxed. I'm boxed. Thinking out-of-the-box is not applicable to poetry is seems!*Laugh*


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

One cannot comment on what one did not comprehend, please excuse me for my shortcomings.

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
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Review of The Streak  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello JACE Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: The word used as title has more than just one meaning; it was the intro that gave it the impetus - promised us a bold, provocative and amusing read.

*Flower5* The General Impression: You did it very well, told the tale in a chatty conversational narration, it felt like I was there at your side listening. Flawless execution of setting, introduction to characters, time, back-story. The punch-line set up as perfectly as the most seasoned caddy tees the ball up for Tiger Woods. Har-har-Hrrgggh! The ending was a superb piece of double-talk!

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: It was a pleasure to read this item from the quiver of a crafty archer, I could sit back and enjoy a smooth bit of writing. Thank you, my friend, my day got off to a great start. It also read as if this were one of a series of stories about the same characters, or at least having the same slick narrator. To achieve that feeling of completeness and continuity in such a short tale is marvelous - well done!

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: Why can't I do it as effortlessly? Why are my tales never so 'polished'? I guess you either have 'it' or you don't. You, dear author, have IT in plenty!


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:


Hoo Boy! Never was a section less required, never have I felt more redundant as reviewer, with nothing really helpful to add. Impeccable use of not only commas, that slippery tadpole-like nemesis that wriggles out of place in my writes; even semi-colons and ellipses were perfectly aligned, standing in exemplary formations. I take off my hat to you, or I would if I ever wore headgear.But think of me doing the equivalent {e: takingofffhat?} Must suggest that one to SMs *Laugh*



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
80
80
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Ladyoz Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I like word play, so a Title that cleverly evoked Dickens’ classic tale, was irresistibly ‘doggy’, and would clear up the mystery behind the ‘Buy a Wicket’ campaign – how cold I resist? Pardon, me, I said to my family, but I have to see this person about a dog, or two. *Laugh*

*Flower5* The General Impression: Some terrific snaps that are used to enhance a simple narration. It is not quite a story and yet had all the components, Characters, what individual quirks those have! Beginning-Middle-End. Conflict and Resolution, unfortunately one is not the proverbial happy ending, but it is tackled with empathy and dignity. Bravo!

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: It rang true, had too, didn’t it? It was true/ But the love percolates and permeates from start to finish. It is a narrative that is simple, no clever puns, no flights of idiom; yet the two protagonists are so adorable that one just laps up each word. Pippin with his underbite and the tongue of contentment is especially endearing. The choices of name are also well related. It was good to find out about this breed, I had not come across them before. “His paws left prints on our hearts.” Yes, I understand/

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: It is hard to write a tribute without letting maudlin sentimentality overtake one. I think you achieved that fine line of distinction pretty well. Well adorned, well edited, yet cleaving a path straight to my heart, and yes, not ashamed to say, my tear ducts. I thought it was the hallmark of a born writer.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:
Words, words, everywhere; yet nary a typo to pick! I sympathise with that Ancient Mariner now! *Laugh* No, seriously, the pleasure was all mine to see this well-groomed tail tale!
Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **
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Review of The Tick Tock Cat  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Sticktalker Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I have visited your port before and come away enriched. The title reminded me of the idiom ‘thinking he is the cat’s whiskers’ – an image I have always found compelling and thought-provoking. The intro promised zany humour. I was almost rubbing my hands in gleeful anticipation as I sat down to read this.

*Flower5* The General Impression: It was written for a specific and demanding prompt requiring the use of five quite unrelated words/objects: Duct tape, collar, stopped clock, pink balloons, broken key. It fulfilled the prompt and had your trademark narrative style too. Yet, it left me feeling it was not one of showpieces of your repertoire. To judge you by the high standards you set already seems a bit harsh, but that is inevitable with talented writers, one expects more of them all the time.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: You get into the head of that cat with ease, I could see that feline impresario from your description. I was reminded of Paul Gallico’s masterpiece: Jennie. Some of the bits had me chuckling, the subject being the unpredictable and inexplicable behavior of cats, it lent itself to a description of impossible situations.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: Is it a story? It meanders into different situations without going anywhere or finding resolution. Even the tale promised by the intro is relegated to a future telling. It’s about the balloons, no about the clock, no about the duct tape. No, in the end it was just about the cat, without the whiskers being given much explanation. *Laugh*


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:
There are a number of places that puzzled me, not errors per se, but just not easy for me to comprehend. I highlight a couple of examples below:

" My wife and I own a rather strange cat. Of course all cats are pretty strange animals, but Katrina was stranger than most." We own but Katrina was? Is that a tense jump?

" Knowing duct tape’s limits when the cat knocked over my wife’s prize porcelain vase and asked me if I could fix it I didn’t even think about duct tape as the repair material, but grabbed the Krazy Glue and had it repaired in minutes and and back on the shelf. " I thought the sentence would benefit in clarity if it had a couple of commas in there. I fumble to find the right place to put these wriggly tadpoles of punctuation, so I tend to go the route of cutting up one long sentence into two or three shorter ones. The word ‘and’ is also repeated in there. Also, how about changing the construction of that last bit? Make it ‘…had it repaired and back on the shelf in minutes.’

" Princess Katrina jumped up on the display shelf, sniffed the vase later that day then shook her head from the fumes still emanating from the glue " She jumped now, sniffed it later? Is that what you want to say? I think the phrase ‘later that day’ confounds the issue.

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **

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Review of Sick Old Man  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Tony Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: You are new, a dear friend's son, you like to write. It is a Limerick - one of my favourite forms of poetry, and despite its great rhyme and rhythm, not an easy thing to write. Its title reminded me of the song: "This Old Man - he played one..." So many reasons to pick this particular one.

*Flower5* The General Impression: Well if it was for a school project, they must have given you some rules or pattern to follow. It would help if you put that in, so we can gauge if you achieved your target or not. But we are not teachers here to grade you, nor are we here to baby you with shallow words of praise. I think it could be made better, the central idea reminds me of nursery rhyme we recited as kids:
'Inky Pinky Ponky, Father had a Donkey, Donkey died, Father cried, Inky Pinky Ponky.
( We old geezers get reminded of things at the drop of a hat. Sometimes the hat doesn't even have to drop! *Laugh*)


*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: The sudden intrduction of disaster, then more implied disaster, no kid gloves! The use of the slang term also works to create impact.(Pun totally unintended)

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: The meter is totally off. Even if one doesn't count syllables, just reads it aloud, it is obvious the lines do not match in cadence. Lines one,two and five should match and three and four are generally 3/5 of that length. For example take the classic by W. Monkhouse:

There was a young lady of Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger;
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

Can you hear the rhythm as you read that one out?



*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

I think you have the promise, the readily available guidance, the encouragement and the enthusiasm to do great things, welcome to this great site.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **
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Review of Augie  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Alexandra Jones Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. . What a lovely user name, may you have all those unwritten pages spilling onto paper for our edification and delight!

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: Well, it is about a dog, and there's an adventure in it for you talk of dreams and discovery in that masterly intro that heightens the lure. The fact that it was beribonned did it no disservice, but that is rarely a factor to draw me into a write by itself.

*Flower5* The General Impression: I think it was a good response to the prompt, it definitely understood the bond between young children and dogs, they seem to communicate in ways inexplicable to adults. "Augie told me." That sentence made goosebumps come out on my arms.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: Sentiment. *CheckG* Drama. *CheckG* Deft description. *CheckG* Happy Ending. *CheckG*

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: It seems as though it is at least a couple of days since Augie came to the shelter, he has bad dreams at night, but only 'sometimes' wakes crying. So how did the sibling survive without water for that much longer? Augie survives by crawling away and finding water before returning. Why not curl up near his surviving sibling?


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: It is a Cramp entry, not to be judged by grammar and typos but by creativity. Hindsight is irritatingly 20/20. I am not going to apply it.



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
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Review of My Poetry Nook  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello ShelleyA~15 years at WDC Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered. You were kind enough to bid on my package in an auction; this is part of the win.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

*ButterflyR* I did not promise reviews, for I did not know if I would have time enough to fulfill that, but I like to ensure my port scans include at least a few reviews, to let you know I have been through the items in depth. I do hope they bring you as much pleasure as browsing through your amazing port has brought me.

*ButterflyR* Now, poems are a favoured read, one can admire artistry without being an artist oneself; I applaud the depth and variety to be found. Many forms were unfamiliar and I welcomed the learning, some were known to me and were greeted as old friends. It is hard to get constructive feedback which is also knowledgeable if one is as accomplished a poet as you seem to be.

*ButterflyR* The main folder is illustrated by an attractive image by one of the most talented artists on site. The bold bright purple of the girl’s attire is offset by the mellow rich overtones of brown and gold of the books in the shelves. The perky short skirt is balanced by the scholarly glasses, the flowing tresses cascade in one sedate sweep to the hips, with just one flirtatious flip at the end. Perfect. The visual ‘hook’ is often neglected, I am so glad you have made full use of it.

*ButterflyR* The folder is arranged by the forms of poetry, it says so. The various sub-folders titles are the forms used, which is obvious even to an uninformed reader. Therefore, I felt more use could have been made of the intro – instead of just repeating the name of the form, a little detail could entice one into the read. For example: The Triquain – it intrigues because you say it was developed by you, I presumed it meant three line verses. I was wrong, it was more like the metered cinquain than a triplet – but nothing prepared me for which direction the name was going. What was the inspiration? If I had a glimpse that promised the unusual, ah, that would be enough to make me dive right in.

*ButterflyR* There is enough to tempt the most capricious appetite, from the staple sonnets, to the delicate artistry of the Etheree or Pantoum, to the inspired concoctions that have your signature, like the Triquain.

*ButterflyR* A walk that awed and inspired, that showed splendor and exquisite details, that left one with the kind of blissful satiety that comes after a well-planned meal. *Thumbsup*


Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*ButterflyV* May your words go on to shine! *ButterflyV*

*ButterflyG* Effort brings colour to Life *ButterflyG*
My fascination with the fantastic power of words.

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Review of Bon Appetit.  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Petra Pansky Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: I thought that this was an apt item for me to review in a 'shower' of reviews. It implied a wish for a good ingestion of the read, it had an eye-catching title, and the intro made me wonder what could be within. Well done, just the way to tease a reader into the tale.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Flash fiction - great, said a little voice in my head - just the perfect appetizer any reader could want. The fact that the story was food themed was ironic. The beginning needs to 'show' the bustle, rather than just state it, maybe how the men had to scrunch over in their corner? Or how they had to lean forward to talk over the noise? Whatever you choose, the image must be vivid, convey the atmosphere whilst introducing your main characters and 'setting' the story. A tall ask, but if the beginning is not compelling, the reader may not even finish the tale. Then the sentence: "The patrons of this restaurant were mainly office workers, stay-at-home moms with their cranky kids and teens from the high school beside McDandy’s." I found myself wondering how best this information could be conveyed? At first it seems the office workers were stay-at-home mothers, later it seems the mothers have cranky kids and teens from a school nearby. Punctuation is not my forte, so just give this another look and see if this might be 'fixable'. Also, having glanced at this sentence twice, I wondered why stay-at-home moms would all have cranky kids. It seemed a sweeping generalization. It would not have caught my eye if I had not been taking a second look, so it is not a 'biggie'. { /c}

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting needed emphasis, one needed to feel the crowds. Other than that, one fails to uderstand why the execs had to do a physical verification, wouldn't sales figures be more informative? If they stated that they had seen those figures and were down there to see the unbelievable numbers for themselves, that would explain things better. Also, just 92% target sales achieved doesn't seem all that great, the projections were made with logic, to amaze, they must surpass expectations.

*Flower5* The Characters: Mr. Pinstripe, that was a deft touch, adding in descrition wand identification. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, but the second character is not named. Would it help to do the same with the other one? Or maybe give him a name based on his behaviour or expression?

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The pinstirpe suit figures twice, it doesn't help in making a deeper impact, but since the edft touch in naming the character after the suit is laudable, I'll not comment further.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I had a bit of a quibble regarding the genre choices - Comedy:*Check3*, Horror/Scary: We-ell - Ok, let's give that a *Check4*, but Satire? I thought that the last was a bit of a stretch, given that satire requires something more profound in parody or ridicule.

*Flower5* What I liked: The ending line was superb, well done. It definitley finished on with a smooth passage down the throat - one was left with a faint after-taste and a craving for one more!

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"The men in the corner, on the other hand, looked like high powered executives." The two men are stated to be out of place. With the explanation found in the latter part of the tale, it is not obvious why high powered executives would not have drunk from the city's water supply and been part of the crowds thronging a McDandy.

"the familiar sing song jingle was playing on the sound system." I think that should be 'sing-song'.

"... and neutralizing it’s effects" Its. No apostrophe required, this usage is not an abbreviation for 'it is', but as a possesive pronoun.

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Funnyface is happy to be back Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. [E]. The review is made in a spirit of friendliness, please accept it as such.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: I was attracted to the title, it had incongruity of association 'Penny in a Jar' and "Memory in the Heart" combining well to create this. The intro and genre choices were valuable additions to the inner meaning. Well done.

*Flower5* The Rhyme: Alternating lines rhyme, not always the same ones by count. For verses 1 & 2 it was lines 2 and 4, for verse 3 it was lines 1 and 3, for the last verse, each laternating pair rhymed - 1&3 and 2&4. It made one's eyes jump around a bit, but was not jarring in a read. The rhyming words tended to either repeat or use the same end rhyme, if this is meant for children, that is a plus. If it is meant for adults too, it might be better to examine some alternative words.

*Flower5* The Rhythm: Now, this is a poem that cries out to be read aloud, with expression and emotion. To have the syllable count going so far askew (10-7-6-7) was disappointing. It could be done, just a little rearrangement of words required, take the first two lines:
"I have a memory of a penny
Etched deep within my heart"


This could become: 'Memories of a penny
Etched deep within my heart,' - that's 7 syllables even, no change of meaning, barely much change of word choice. Consider it if you wish to go that route, most lines can conform to either 7-6-7-6 or 7-7-7-7.


*Flower5* The Form: Other than quatrains, I found no recognizable form. Of course, I am no great poet, able to take one quick glance and classify poetry by forms, I depend on the writer being kind enough to elucidate in a note, if there is some form, beyond this simple one.

*Flower5* The Imagery: Simple, powerful, metaphorical and memorable. It's 'gold to you and me'! Bravo.

*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: It made an impact, it imparted wisdom in a way that was easy to both comprehend and remember.

*Flower5* What I liked: I am not a person who is religious in the observation of rituals, yet God means a lot to me. This poem spoke exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"Come, my little darling,
Sit upon your Papa's knee.
See that shining little penny?
It's gold to you and me.
If you wish, you could use punctuation to make meaning crystal clear, to inform the reader how you want this poem read. I would have put in the marks as suggested by my brackets. You might want to do it differently, if at all.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1482277 Unavailable **
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Review of Two Wise Women  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Prof Moriarty Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. [E]. The review is made in a spirit of friendliness, please accept it as such.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: 'Two Wise Women', it has a ring of the familiar, perhaps from the association with 'Three Wise Men'? It gains immediate attention by such an association, even a pleasurable anticipation of a good read. The addition of an incongruity or dissimilar object often takes it one level further. The grouping of three things in a title is also popular, so I might have gone for 'Two Wise Women and One Lucky Man'. Not that this was not a good title, I am only mentioning some of the thoughts in my mind when I search for a good title to cap my tales.

*Flower5* The Beginning: You do it all, introduce the main characters, give us a bit of setting, some emotional background - yet it falls short of being riveting enough to 'hook' the reader-fish and make him/her want to be reeled within your write. I think that might be because there was a lot of 'telling' in there. For example:
"Sid smiled at Linda when she entered his study, holding a mug." Try and give us a peep into that study, let us see Sid's pleasure for ourselves. Maybe something like: Linda pushed open the door to Sid's study with one practised foot, being careful with the steaming coffe mug in her hand. She saw her husband scrunched up against his workstation, his customary after-dinner relaxation was juggling figures and equations to finetune his project. It might have been the aroma of coffee, his head swivelled to take in his still-svelte wife of twenty years. A welcoming smile drove away the frown lines that had gathered on his forehead. Does that make a picture that takes the reader within the tale? You be the judge.

Or take this bit of dialogue between husband and wife: “Don’t you think I know my hubby long enough to sense it when he is tensed?” she asked, running her slender fingers through his thick hair, graying at the temples. We fail to get an idea of where she is when she does this. A moment ago she was perching on the edge of the desk, does she lean forward? Does she get up and stand beside him? The banter could be emphasised too, with a comment like: 'Haven't you learned by now that you can't keep secrets from me?' Or even 'Maybe not to everybody, but you're an open book to me.'


*Flower5* The Setting: The setting has two parts, to be effective the contrast should be emphasised. The rural setting in India, perhaps new even to many urban compatriots, it needs to be shown through the eyes of the teenaged Beth. Don't just say she was engrossed by the sights, show them to us. Was it the dusty bumpy roads with ruts worn into them by the passage of of many carts? Was it the indifferent cows which lay sprawled all over the place, they did not pause in their cud-chewing for one moment, I have seen this all before, their bucolic faces proclaimed. Whatever it was - show us the same sights.

*Flower5* The Characters: What made the women wise, how were they able to see what Sid was reluctant to even acknowledge? It was more his world than theirs - was it proximity or mulishness than led to this lacuna?

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The same lack, not that there is no description, only that it is of the type that does not create a vivid enough image to allow the reader to participate in the story. For e.g.: "He caught her staring at a crowded bus which had just stopped beside them at a signal.
"
Why was she staring? Describe the crowds that spill out of the bus, leaning from windows, squeezes three abreast into the one-man aisle, clinging to both doors until the it seems the bus is tilted so far to one side it will tip over at the next curve. Talk of the smell of exhaust fumes that belch furiously from the rear, like angry bumblebees that have been disturbed. Tell us of the thin stream of betelnut juice that is accurately squirted at the base of a lamp-post, the rust stains at its base providing mute testimony of widespread habit. Don't tell us, show us.


*Flower5* The Dialogue: I found it to be a bit stilted. Just think it over and gauge whether people around you talk the same way. Do not translate from the local language to English, these are English speaking people, after all.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Sid returns to India as a successful man after a twenty year absence, invited to inaugurate a new school. reconciliations take place and seem to wipe away decades of bitterness. The village touches progress via the acumen of the returned son.

Some parts are too simplistic. If the older generation refuses to accept Sid, was that reason enough for him to return to America? How hard did he try to convince them? If he had not had the money to back his studies abroad, at MIT - no less, what use was his gold medal at Calcutta University? I don't think the intro struck the nail on the head, perhaps he is allowed to realise his dream, but he never ventured out to do so.


*Flower5* What I liked: I like stories that try to make one world available to readers from another. These days, even urban India has forgotten its rural counterparts. To give back is laudable, the message was good. It could have been stronger, but it was nonetheless laudable.

*Flower5* Suggestions: I offer only a few examples, line-by-line comments are ebst made by editors or proof readers. Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"He was the proverbial son returning home " There's a story about a prodigal (but that is not the case here) son returning home, but what proverbial son is this?

"But his heart was overwhelmed with remorse and tears welled up in his eyes." I inserted a word I thought was required in that sentence.

"“Forgive me, son,” said his father, when he got the courage to hug him." When who got the courage to hug whom? If there is no head-hopping, one presumes it was when Sid got the courage to hug his father. Indians do not hug at the drop of a hat, reverting to childhood tradition might be more plausible, then his father could raise him and affirm, 'None of that feet touching, it is time for us to embrace as equals.' Or whatever else you might find natural.

"the only lacunae being the absence of his beloved Linda. " If there was only one,it must be 'lacuna'. Lacunae' implies more than one, being plural.




Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Maryann Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for {ritem:}

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I read a book recently about a Ladies Detective Agency in Botswana, it calls itself the No. ! detective agency with impunity - it is in fact run by the only Lady Detective in Botswana - Mma Ramotswe! I loved it, and your title reminded me of that. It was an apt title, an odd combination and hence the more striking and it was about some youthful investigators. All appealing. I would suggest the intro deepens that instead of giving us what is now irrelevant information, we may know of neither the contest nor the one who ran it. A link within would be much more helpful for that.

*Flower5* The General Impression: This had the entire story of the picture prompt laid out for us, and more besides. Talk of both being faithful to the prompt and taking it in an unexpected direction.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: The tone remains that of young girls, the POV was one of the two running this agency. Their confidence, the diligence, the hope and the banter with the customers spoke worlds of two lovable little girls. They are lucky as well as smart, but that's not a bad thing, all detectives get lucky at some point!

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think:


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"“Where is buster? He is usually right by your side," It is a name for a dog, it should start with a capital - Buster.

"It was a good thing that Buster is a gentle dog." 'Buster was a gentle dog', surely?

"We want to save up money so that we could buy a big playhouse from Toys R Us" You are an accomplished writer, so I might be wrong, but is that another tense jump in there? Should it be 'so that we can buy a big playhouse'?


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1536286 Unavailable **
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Review of Moonlight And You  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello jaya Author Icon - this is review of for the package you won in "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: This was what drew my attention, not just that it was the most recent addition to your port. I loved the image of a loved one, bathed in silvery moonlight.

*Flower5* Rhyming: You chose to go with rhyming couplets in quatrains, a pattern of aabb ccdd eeff gghh.
It is a difficult task, especially since you made liberal use of enjambement in the poem. All the ryhmes were direct rhymes, some use of assonance would have been permissible, even attractive. I would liken it to a precise arrangement that is given a touch of the unusual by a deft placement of one or two peices laid aslant in a deliberate insousciance.


*Flower5* Meter: The first verse had lines that hovered around the 11 syllable mark, it would have been a not too difficult task to make them all 10 or 11 syllables. Now meter is not something that many writers search to achieve. In fact, many of my earlier writes did without it. After learning to use it, I try to keep to at least an even count, even if stresses and meter are not possible. It allows for easy reading aloud, gives it a natural cadence that is pleasing to the ear. This is mere suggestion, to try and use this device to add something to already pleasing piece.

*Flower5* Grammar: I know grammar rules in poetry are often relaxed. But one thing about which I am careful is that, if I use punctuation, I am careful to use it in a consistent manner. I write the poem, place in all the rhyme and meter without punctuation, then remove the line breaks and revert to sentence construction. Then I place in all the commas, the periods, the semi-colons and dashes, and proof read it once. I then restore the line breaks to make it a poem once more. Voila! The form is poetry, but the grammar would please the sticklers amongst us. Here the commas and placements went a bit awry.
Try this exercise:
"While the white radiance spread over the land
my very heartbeat, my fair child held my hand

danced with me twirling round and round,
your tinkling laughter, a delightful sound."

Make that sentence formation: "While the white radiance spread over the land my very heartbeat, my fair child held my hand danced with me twirling round and round,your tinkling laughter, a delightful sound." Does it still look impeccable? Is not a comma or two required in there? For calrity of meaning at least?


*Flower5* Poetry Form: I wonder if there is a specific form, for four quatrains of rhyming couplets? Quatrains are the most common choice for poetry on site, yet there are innumerable forms within that choice. Envelope couplets, Monotetra, Pantoum, Quartern and offshoots from it like the Sonnet or Ottava Rima .

*Flower5* Poem as a whole: I loved reading this write, it reminded me of the time when my daughter, an infant of seven/eight months, would wake in the morning without crying or fussing. I would find her in her cradle, gurgling in tune to the chirping of brids in bushes outside our window and trying to catch dust motes in the sunbeam that peeped in at her. You created the mood of childish pleasure and mother-son bonding very well. If it is from personal experince, it is well told; if it is from imagination, then 'twas even better envisioned. Bravo.

*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the use of the little known device of enjambent, used in more than one place, to full effect.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"as you waved to the lord of the night to start

frolicking with him in the heavenly stream
of silvery delight, in a land of golden dream(s)"

The one bit that caught my attention for a bit of glorious imagery also had the only niggle in a well written poem. It is acceptable to have the ending word plural in a rhyme, is it not? I would advice that one small liberty, here. It destroys the meaning not to do so.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **
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Review of El Monstruo  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Milhaud - Tab B Author Icon. Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: Ah, this is the second title I have seen with a another language in it. I presume this would be the equivalent of Mr. Monster?

*Flower5* The Beginning: Beginnings are for creation of setting, for introduction of the main character(s), for initiating the tone of the tale. I think the setting part was well done, I especially appreciated the descriptive phrases in "Its stark glow outlined the cobblestones in the front part of the alley forty feet below while the building’s angled shadow sliced the rest into darkness." A comma was perhaps required in there, after the first part - at the word 'below'?

The rest was crammed into that beginning, it is not necessary for it to be worked that hard. It can be done one bit at a time.


*Flower5* The Setting: I found it hard to imagine some one perched on a ten-inch wide ledge. Rather than get around that by making the protagonist a dwarf, one could have just made the ledge wider. Some of the older districts in my country have buildings whose ledges are quite two feet wide.

*Flower5* The Characters: Panchito - the name means 'little Pancho' does it not? Not quite the allusion one would want to give a son who was challenged height-wise. What was your reason for choosing it? Is this world your own? Or did you set it in unfamiliar locale? It is always a challenge to make the unfamiliar seem real to the reader and inside knowledge or throough research helps. Not that I know anything about that part of the world, just that the setting, the chracters, seemed superfical to me.

The entire reminiscing about Dominica seemed a device to pass time until Gavilane's arrival, an attempt to use up words. It even ended abruptly, leaving the realtionship dangling. It is ironic that it gave the tale a bit of irony and comic releif that was otherwise effective. The other flashback was more essential, giving us a clue to his emtional make-up and motives.


*Flower5* The Descriptions: There was enough to this, but I am not sure it helped one to get a clear picture of the main chracters, or the action. It might be more a fault of my preception, but I like the descriptions to be either so insidious that they build up a picture before one realises it, or else to be so pithy and drmatic that one sighs at the vivid image.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The central premise is built around the lack of understanding and empathy for challenged people. It is almost as though there were two tales running along together, one that was derived from the prompt, one about El Monstruo. The resolution seemed sort of contrived, if transtion to TV cameraman was that easy then why had it not happened earlier? Why would a kitten with an injured paw be in danger of falling off a ten inch ledge? That would be as wide as a road to a kitten - if it also refused to put weight on the injured paw, then it was quite safe for a minute or two. If it was mewling loudly and he feared attention being drawn to him, that might give him additional incnentive to secure the animal.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified. 18+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.1983 words *Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: I am an animal lover myself, I have taken in numerous strays at various times. I liked the fat that one lonely soul found succour in another. Just a couple of questions that make one stop and think - What happened to Domi? Were there any others, after her? Why did he not take the kitten to a vet? I think any good vet would have set that paw to rights in a trice, it need not have been askew forever.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
*Note3* "Cradled in his right elbow, rested his dependable movie camera." Would you say that was a complete sentence? Or would it require a slight modification, like - 'Cradled in his right elbow, his dependable movie camera was secure in familiar confines.'

*Note3* "Panchito blushed. “On, Domi, I can assure you that it’s normal.” Do you mean 'No'?

*Note3* "Panchito mixed a gin and tonic with an extra squeeze of lime in his sea view apartment."The phrases are mixed, it almost looks as if the sqeeze of lime went inot the sea-view apartment and not the drink. *Laugh*

*Note3* "Ten years to the day had elapsed since he’d chosen an orphaned, abused kitten over the chance at a small fortune."Let's not worry about how he knew the kitten was either orphaned or abused. I think it should be either 'It was ten years to the day', or 'ten years had elapsed'.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello THANKFUL SONALI Magical Days! Author Icon. Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I liked the title, it was echoed in the story to subtly underline the meaning, it also enhanced the ending.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The narrative style was unusual, I found it refreshing. Casual and natural - *Laugh*! I found the uderlying humour rising to out and out funny at times. I enjoyed the clever way rumination about correct grammar was tugged into the tale. The bit about clearing one's throat on camera was worthy of a guffaw or two.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting was adequate, not sketchy by any means. Yet, it could have risen to greater heights. Somehow, the narration took the entire story on its shoulders, capably, but it need not have been so overburdened.

*Flower5* The Characters: You, Rakesh and Triveni. One does not expect the others to be more than walk-n parts, not the volunteer, not the judge. Yet, they came off as more 3-D than the three of you. The fact that the narrator reveals some of her own character is acceptable, the other two needed some more depth.

*Flower5* The Descriptions:

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It was absolutely true to the prompt and yet took an unconventional direction. I know you, so I pictured you as the narrator, dare I say zany suits you? But, if I hadn't the pciture prompt would have fitted perfectly as illustration. I enjoyed the laughs about the the intrepidity despite lack of knowledge and the way sometimes profundity is seen in something quite unintentional.

I felt the ending was inspired, but if it had echoed the title in exact words they might have each enhanced the impact of the other. You know, make the last sentence two short terse ones. With the title as the ending one.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified. 13+ *Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item. 1375*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: The tang of lime in fruit puch adds something to the sweetness, this one had that touch of madness that amuses in any tale. How you contrive to keep it light and breezy throughout is a marvel. The only thing that disappointed was that you had not made full use of the word limit. I find one trick that helps is to first write as if there is no limit and then trim to within the limit. There was room for chracter development or description.

*Flower5* Suggestions: It was characteristic of you, meticulous proof reading and editing. I just found two little niggles, mere quibbles that take away nothing from the rating.

*Note3* "I only have a green pair, now, the others are in the laundry." I am thinking of including a standard disclaimer in my reviews: The reviewer knows zip about puctuation and grammar and any suggestions are to be consumed with liberal pinches of salt. Not recommended for those with high blood pressure. Assume I have inserted it, actually, I have - haven't I? At any rate, I wondered, if perhaps, the word 'now', or at any rate, the comma after 'pair', was required in there?

*Note3*"I thought it was midnight, but 12.OO PM means NOON. "It doesn't, I am sure you know that. It is a deliberate mistake. But, to heighten that one could have beratef oneself for not clarifying, since it was normally written as 12 noon, or 12 mid-night.





Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.
92
92
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Winnie Kay Author Icon. Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I like the alliteration in the title, the fact that there is a neat play on the words 'error' and 'terror'. Good job. The title was perfect for the story and would have been appreciated after the read. Only, the intro gave away its hidden importance, something that should not have been handed to the reader before the read. It spoils the ironical ending.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Beginnings should interest the reader, they should 'set' the scene and introduce at least one of the main characters. I find myself wanting to give you full marks on this one, unfortunately, by some bizarre coincidence, a typo ruins your effort.*Laugh* If the opening lines are not grammaticaly flawless, the reader might be put off. See the 'Suggestions below for precise detail.

*Flower5* The Setting: This is well done, the near obsessive compulsions of Alice, her penchant for wanting everything just so, for orchestrating each move, it makes for a riveting emotional setting. There is enough to picture the physical setting too, although that is of secondary improtance in this tale.

*Flower5* The Characters: Max, the cat, was fleshed out with his characteristic feline quirks. The protagonist was well depicted too, with her OCD and singleton nerves. The description of the obsession with internet chatting and the obvious pitfalls was good. I did wonder why she was giving out information that might be used to locate or identify her. Such as the fact that she wore scrubs - that screams healthcare worker, probably nurse or doctor. She wears cat design scrubs - that ought to be a good clue. I wanted to shout out and tell her not to give out so many details. That means you did a good job with the atmosphere and action.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: There is no lyrical turn of phrase, no striking simile or metaphor. Yet, the descriptions are sufficient to create a vivid image of the action. Soemtimes less is more.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I enjoyed the read, despite expecting the ending. There were enough words left for the suspense to have been heightened a little, for some explanation to be offered for the unfortunate Mr. Anderson coming up to Alice's dwelling. Or why she came out of her secure ivory tower to confront her worst fears, despite the .38, one would expect her to await help.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified. 13+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item. 1333 words*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: I enjoyed the direction taken by the tale and the ironical ending.

*Flower5* Suggestions: No biggies, just a couple of niggles.

*Note3*"Alice glanced around the second floor entry-way and jammed the key in the lock() With practiced, choreographic movements, she turned the key, opened the door, stepped into apartment 210, and slammed the door shut with her shoulder." Period required at the point indicated y the paired brackets, it is just a typo - you correctly have the next word begin with a capital letter.

*Note3*"Alice pushed back her chair and gathered up the empty, Styrofoam take-out container." No comma required after 'empty'.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.
93
93
Review of The Invisible Man  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Fyn Author Icon. Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I liked the title, it was so obvious that the cliché was being used in some innovative way. With the image prompt in mind, I thought of how the person wielding a camera was likely to missing from the film, 'not' visible or in other words - 'invisible'.

*Flower5* The Beginning: "Daniel Merrick didn’t know for sure that he had a dad, until he didn’t." The first sentence is a paradox and an enigma. It is clever, pithy and apt, yet it would be a fitting ending, not a beginning. To ask someone just dipping into a story to appreciate such heights of abstruse logic is a tall ask, some might be intimidated or put off. It did, however, do its job, introducing the chraracters, setting the background of the tale etc. etc.

*Flower5* The Setting: I wonder if you think the setting of the tale was obvious. Bits of info were scattered through the tale, but nothing to create a compelling picture of where he lived, what he saw. If his eyes had been forced to witness what no eyes ever should, that phrase leaves us dangling, it creates less impact than a glimpse of what it was that he witnessed.

*Flower5* The Characters: "After a while, Daniel quit pestering his mom, for he had deduced that he must be a product of in-vitro or something similar." Either he was a child prodigy or he quit after many years. Deducing that one is a product of in-vitro techniques requires an understanding beyond mere childish comprehension. The characters did not become three dimensional to me, niggling details like why Daniel actually stopped pestering his mum, actually irrelevant to the tale's progress, made me fail to glimpse the character in his or her entirety. We get no sense of the physical description either, not because there is no description, but because the description fails to make much of an impact.

Then too, the protagonist is referred to as Daniel in some places and Merrick in others, I thought that was not required and caused more than a little confusion.

In some places the information given to us about minor characters seems superfluous: "He was, therefore, a bit surprised when Sophie, or Saffron (as she liked to be called) knocked on his door the morning after he’d returned from his latest jaunt to Birchar in Algeria." Why was he surprised, presumably mail did collect in his every absence, his landlady coming to give him the pile must have commonplac? The morning after his return would be an acceptable moment to do this helpful task. If you call the chracter - a quirky ‘lost in the sixties’ pottery lady - Saffron, just after the bit describing her attributes and origins, it would be smoother. Two lines later we might not have retained the information. But, we're not finished with things to note, we are also told the town and country from which he has returned. I might be picky, but I like to have facts slip into the story, not bristle in profusion from one point.


*Flower5* The Descriptions: Some of the word choices for the descriptions were less than arresting, even confusing: "Dark eyes that had seen more than any eyes ever should seemed huge in his rather thin, sparse face." Would you not say the word 'sparse' usually refers to growth? Or did you mean 'spare', as in 'thin'? 'Gaunt', 'cadaverous', these convey more vivid images.

There are bits that conveyed a perfect picture - "With a quick smile, she turned, her floral skirt dusting the narrow stairs behind her as she returned to her pottery store below." I could see Sophie.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: There were some things that did not quite 'jell' to me. For e.g.: I found the fact that a mother would tell her son such a fairy tale, about a literally invisible father, not in keeping with the image of the mother who talked of 'inconsequential minutiae'. There seemed no real reason for her to use such a term, or for the father to echo the sentiment in his letter.

There were lots of little turns and twists which left me flummoxed, I understand this can be laid at my door, at my lack of percetion - but do you feel all the intircacies of the tale were evident? For e.g.: "She was such an expressive soul, but she'd have withered with my being away so much." So the answer to not being able to be around much was to totally abandon? The son found her to be "as a black and white image in a colorful world." and yet the father said"Filming as I do, in black and white, your mother was a brilliant combination of color and light.", the only similarity was that both abandoned her.


*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified. E - *Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item. 1937 words*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: Well, it tugged at my heartstrings, for a poor little boy who was lonely becasue some adults made childish decisions. For a psyche so affected that two-dimensional reality becomes meaningful and any interaction suspect. It affected me deeply, for the futility of the father's advice, preaching what he could not, or would not, practice.

*Flower5* Suggestions: There were no real 'errors', just points where I needed to pause and pnder the exact meaning. Too many of those in a story and the reader is lost, in both senses of the word.

*Note3* "Sparsely, but comfortably, furnished with a bed, a desk, a comfy chair and a coffeepot, it was more of a landing place between trips than a home." 'Comfy' is a slang shortening of the word 'comfortable' - to resuethe same word in such close proximity implies a lack of vocabulary - defintely not evident elsewhere.

*Note3* "the mystical tale of ‘the invisible father’ grew more troublesome and one of those things he’d soon enough just forget about entirely." I admit to having ruminated a bit here - do you mean 'one of those things he'd as soon forget about'? The other way sounds as though he is still to forget it.

*Note3* "So he grew up without the fabled father and managed quite well, thank you very much." Why was the father a 'fabled' one? I mean one grows up with or without a 'fabled' silver spoon in one's mouth, but fathers are real. Another thing, he managed pretty ill, lonely and longing for a meaningful realtionship. That is not just my prection, a few lines later we find him seeking books, which succeed in "transporting him far away from the empty, colorless one he lived in."

*Note3* "Part Kona and part Kenyan, the smell of it while brewing was enough to get his blood moving. Rather than stand there wishing it was already coffee," It was already coffee, only it was not ready for him to drink; the brew or decoction is no more coffee than the powder was. Maybe you could make 'rather than stand there wishing it was ready.'?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Shannon Author Icon. Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: Ah, another foreign title. But, this one was of a level harder to guess the meaning. I cannot comment upon the whether or not it was apt - I wonder if I got the translation correct.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning is a good scene setter, it introduces one of the main characters in brilliant detail, making a simple action tell a lot. The Italian jarred, the hint to turn to the translator comes at the end, I had no dictionary handy (unlike the protagonist) and I found that even more frustrating than he did.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting was picture postcard perfect. Plenty of detail of scenery and weather, I'd even say it was rather top-heavy there.

*Flower5* The Characters: I could not visualise any of the main characters, except the photographer - Mr. Bianchi himself. There you do a good job of bringing the image prompt to life. But, the narrator, the grandparents, not a single one is in full focus. One gets not even a glimpse of certain characters like Uncle Vinny or the 'little cousins', they remain just names, at best.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The tale was full of descriptions, it read more like a travel guide. I did find it intersting in parts but at times the details about the paintings, the Italian names included, it palled after a while. At other points there was a creation of atmosphere that was discarded in the next paragraph, never to be revisited. "The beautiful Contarini fountain looked exactly as Grandpa had described, standing sentry at the square's center, its ashen tritons as still as death itself. Their unseeing orbs seemed to follow me, consider me, disregard me. An unexpected chill coursed through my veins, and I averted my eyes." One never learns why the chill was at that one point. It is as inexplicable as making a delectable icing and then serving the cake just layered with jam.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It was helpful for you to point the reader at one source of elucidation, 'Google translate'. I was not inclined to do so as reader, but as judge I did take the time to find out the meanings of all the complicated sentences. Especially since they seemed to be integral to the progress of the tale. I thought popnotes would have been better. For example . Frankly, however well written, the plethora of ununderstable words would have made me abandon this tale halfway. That would have a pity, it was worth the read in the end.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified. 13+ *Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item. 1793 words*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: It took a direction that was not expected, part nostalgic, part horror. The combination was unusual. If in the end I failed to undestand the guide's or videographer's motive, it took nothing away from a meticulous presentation and well created setting.

*Flower5* Suggestions: There were no obvious errors, just a couple of point where my mind wanted to stop and ponder. If that happens too often in a story, a reader might be dissuaded from perusing it to the end.

*Note2*"I could hear music and laughter from thirty directions, and delectable aromas from every corner made my mouth water."
'From all four directions', 'from all directions', 'from every street and alley' - why 'thirty directions'? I'd add more punch by making the second part a little different, not about directions and corners but soemthing like: 'delectable aromas assaulted my nose and wrested a covetuous sigh from a watering mouth'.

*Note2*"My host family was nice and welcomed me as one of their own." Even wayyyyyyyyyy back in high school, and it would embarass me to say exactly how far back that was, this word was cosnidered a last resort. Only to be sued if you had exhausted all the other adjectives in your lexicon. I am talking about the word 'nice'. Such a bland overused and almost meaningless word.

*Note2*"Beautiful women scurried through snow drifts in expensive heels, "
That seemed a bit incongruous, there are enough stylish boots available to make tackling drifts in heels highly impractical at best, foolhardy at worst.



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.
95
95
Review of Captured  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello JACE Author Icon. Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: It is a strange coincidence that there are two stories entered in this competition with the same title. Both have used the word with subtle undercurents of suggestion, making a play on alternative meanings of the word. Yet, the two are not in the least headed in the same direction. Well done, both of you.

*Flower5* The Beginning: You are a talented and capable writer. I think you are fast making a name for yourself. When I saw your name on the list of qualified entires I remember noting that I was in for a treat. This beginning had it down pat - introduces the main character and his daughter, starts with a bit of strong emotion and action, one that contrasts the rest of the tale.

*Flower5* The Setting: The emotional setting was well created, the father's agony and fear, the worry and the constant reliving of the past moment, the opportunity that slipped away. I just wondered why his subconscious took so long to kick in. Even the police seem unhurried in the investigation, it is a fact that children not found in the first few days rarely turn up alive.

*Flower5* The Characters: Chelsea - a vibrant energetic nine-year-old. Was the use of two similar adjectives required? Vibrant alone made enough impact, maybe something a little different for the second - 'playful', 'loving', 'mischievous'? The father was seen in three dimensions, all emotional description, no actual physical details. It is hard but not impossible to add these in first person narratives.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: There was detailed description and parts of it were vivid and detailed in an entirely natural way. Other places made me do a double take and turn back to confirm first impression. For example: "In a rage, I put my fist through the face, sending shards of glass everywhere.

It was funny--the first sensation I'd felt in a long time was something warm running down my leg. In my fear, I had pissed myself."
The emotion described was rage, not fear. I thought the sensation would be of something warm running down his fingers, from bleeding and lacerated knuckles. Good description, but the situation was not plausible.

It happens more than once:"The room was dark and silent as a tomb, no trace of the screams that had once again awoken me remained." Why would traces of dream sounds remain? If the room was 'a silent reprimand for the splitting screams that had earleir wakened him', that might be smoother. Not dictating choice of words here, just suggesting a re-look at the way the sentence stands now.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: There were a few things that teased me.
The unsub must have been watching and waiting for the opportunity. If he does this on a serial basis, he has been stalking the child for some time. He knows she is being filmed, he chooses to leave behind evidence.

The first thing investigating officers would do is try and determine what everybody on the scene was doing at the moment the incident occurred. What's that you say sir? You were filming her? Oh, we won't ask where's the camera, or try and develop the film, to see if by chance it captured anything.

Bereaved relatives often look at or through photographs of their loved one, if there was film in that camera, the natural thing would be to get it developed, to see that glimpse of the child. Or even to hold the last thing she wore, the item of clothing she last took off, so on and so forth. To not think of the last snaps he took of her was a mental block of drastic proportions.

The camera was on atripod, presumably focused at the child's head and body height. The adult perp would not have been seen unless he bent down and gave the camera an eyeful. He might have approached from the wrong side, had his back to the camera, even blocked view of what transpired, so many ifs and buts for the convenient capture of the event.

One never gets to know exactly what clue was spotted in that film, how they identified the perp with only an on-camera glimpse of him, how they zeroed in on his hideout in such a short time.

Then end makes for a perfect repeat of the catch phrase and the meaning you chose to give the word. It seemed a tad unrealistic that the child would recover in such a dramatic fashion as to want to repeat an activity that had precipitated the traumatic experience, want to use a word whose meaning she must have learned as a bright ten-year-old.



*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified. 18+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item. 1968*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: The tale might have had some lacunae, thrillers are notorious for being hard to make choherent and palusible - but he story was well written and made for good reading. It took a direction that was not expected, had a good 'hook' and was meticulous in presentation.

*Flower5* Suggestions: I saw no biggies to note, just tiny little niggles that had me pausing at the wrong moments. Take a look and see what you think ...

*Note4*"it floated away leaving me shaking." I thought a comma was needed, after 'away'."

*Note4*"Since her disappearance, I've had precious little rest." The rest of the tale is in impeccable past tense narration, this should have been - 'Since her disappearance, I'd had precious little rest'.

*Note4*"five little girls had been abducted and found four weeks later, dead, a fact I focused on to my embarrassment." I wondered why he should be embarassed to focus on that, it would be a natural point of concern, surely?

*Note4*"I left the light off() preferring to remain hidden, shrouded in my despair" A comma at the point indicated by the paired brackets?

*Note4*"I needed to pull myself together for Chelsea's sake.

I was just splashing water on my face when Agent Coates arrived twenty minutes later."
Then what was he doing for all of those twenty minutes after he decides to pull himslef together?



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.
96
96
Review of He saw Nazi UFO's  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Oldwarrior Author Icon. Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: Wow, this was one title that came in from nowhere - I was eager to see how it tied in with the prompt. The incongruity of the time zones, the 40's, and the 60's at least, works to generate interest for the readers who are not familiar with the contest prompt. One of the purposes of the title is well served.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning would be the part where the physical setting is created, the main characters introduced and before the main action. Somehow, this one felt top-heavy, a lot of 'filler' to explain the character. When talking about times and events unfamiliar to most the details should be eased in, not bristle out of the opening paragraphs in profusion. I wanted to see the man, not learn so much about Goebbels or Gehlen or Schutzstaffel.

*Flower5* The Setting: It's funny, there was so much detail, there was little room for setting. The emotions needed to be brought out here, the misery, the horror, the atrocious conditions have all been described before - yet, it behooves any author to recreate it for the story.

*Flower5* The Characters: The protagonist is introduced in the beginning with: "In reality, he was a cameraman; a very good one, but his only true claim to fame was as second place camera assistant in the film ‘Sweethearts’ with Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy." It would work if you made the claim ridiculous, here it comes across as a genuine staking of importance and falls far short. Who ever knows who even the 'first place' cameraman is, whatever that post is? There is a lot of detail about Otto, but one fails to feel for him, there's no empathy, no sympathy. Basically, he was someone who could have chosen to stay in America, on the side of the 'good guys' - instead he ends up in Germany and colludes, collaborates. There's no nice way of saying it.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: When describing the horrors of the camp there is article-like presentation of facts, not enough 'showing'. 'Showing takes more words but there were enough words to spare, about 500. I'll give you an example:
"Rascher was in charge of the Institute's experiments at Dachau, and was the first to request "test subjects", who were frozen in low-pressure chambers and vats of icy water," It goes on to describe the atrocities in full clinical detail, I am omitting that bit for the purpose of discussion. Suppose, one were to say instead: 'Hesitating at the door of the room, he saw this cadaverous pale officer fussing with his papers; pale blue eyes were a compelling force drawing him within. He might have been an ascetic by looks alone, he later proved he was the exact opposite. He had a fervour, but it was so single minded that human suffering was inconsequent to the pursuit of science.' I think just a passing reference to his being the brain behind the monstrous experiemnts and researches carried out there would suffice to add detail to atmosphere.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: One fails to see what the problem is, the story's problem - even the story's conflict. I think that may have been because there is no real resolution; the war gets over, yes, but the war was not the problem. It was unusual definitely, yet, I felt the subject had the prompt in it just in passing. It did not revolve around it as many of the others did.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified. 13+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item. 1474 words*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: It took me to a place I had not been before, I had seen innumerable movies, but this was a rare story setting for me.

*Flower5* Suggestions: There were no real biggies, your grammar and proof reading are both of a high order. Just a couple of points where my mind paused for a second.

*Note4*"He knew he had to escape of meet a similar fate." I think that is an inadvertent typo - it should be 'or'.

*Note4*"He was smuggled out of the complex by several of his Mountaineering friends "Why a capital 'M'?

*Note4*"His professional luck changed in 1937() when a friend of a relative in Germany got him an appointment to see Joseph Goebbels, the Nazi Minister of Propaganda." I wondered if a comma was required in the place suggested by the paired brackets. There were other places where I wondered if there should be an extra comma or two. I am from the school of thought that thinks commas are put in wherever one naturally pauses in the reading of the item. I know that is not the correct method, so feel free to ignore me.

*Note4*"Although Otto did not see Goebbels personally, he; along with his slightly exaggerated resume, was hired immediately at a very respectable salary."I thought that the parts on either side of a semi-colon had to be able to stand as independent sentences themselves?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.
97
97
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello youme Author Icon - welcome to a review from "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: The title sums up a situation - it may be literal, it may be ironic - but it would be intriguing to see what this man had. Yes, the intro is used to increase the information given in the title, but it fails on one score. Titles and intros are like the clothes worn for a first date, they must not only be selected and matched with care, they must be pristine and immaculate. I mean, check for grammar and spelling errors, first impressions count. Here you have "An old man's story about nurcing home troubles." Spell-check would have caught that, a second read would too.

*Flower5* The Beginning: What I said about the title and intro holds double true for any beginning. It must be sharp, focused and 'set' the tone of the story in few lines, it too must be error-free. Take your first line:
"My bare foot brakes through the thin ice and sinks into soft moss." I think the word would be 'breaks', although there might be some slowing of motion by the action. The error is simple, understandable and one any of us might make. However, this early in the write, it isn't going to induce much confidence in the reader that this will be a polished write. Take especial care at least for the first and last bits.


*Flower5* The Setting: The setting is detailed, it slows down the action. What a contradiction, without setting one cannot 'see' action. Too much setting slow the pace. How much is enough? You have to re-read it, or get others to do so, then revise and polish.

*Flower5* The Characters: I needed to 'see' the narrator, we had so much of the setting one felt one was groping through a thicket of information, trying to glimpse the central character. I admit I skipped a bit, the numerous typos/errors dissuaded me from giving it close attention. Still, it seemed a bit lacking.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Oh, there was description enough, lots of pithy metaphor. But that is not the only criterion. The thing about a metaphor is, that to be effective, it must fit. If I said 'fit like a glove' that would be trite. If I said 'fit like a Russian Mamma doll', the image is vivid but not appropriate. But how about if I said, 'fits like a swimsuit on a final round Miss World contestant'?

Now, take a second look at your metaphor, in the second line:
"My labored breath comes like the steam from a locomotive" Laboured breathing and a locomotive's steam do not match. If it was described as one climbing a steep gradient, or having run out of coal five miles back, the idea of someone gasping may come to mind.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The tense jumps around a bit. First person, Present tense is difficult to do in any tale. I find myself preferring the third person, past tense narrative, myself. But, to jump around from sentence to sentence only confuses. For e.g.:
In one place you have: (I quote just a bit)"the guard closes the door with a resounding clang."
That is closely followed by:"The fake short I had established over the past few days yielded the desired result." Should that not be 'yields'? Or, 'has yielded'?

Lots of errors, from simple 'there/their' confusion to the using of abbreviations (tho') without any apostrophe. I'd suggest a good twice over.

Lastly, the end had me reeling. One cannot be illogical. If a tale is being told, as in narrated, to kill off the character is taking liberties not appreciated by many. Even making it a diary entry being read by somebody else is a let-down. This was just impossible. I'm sorry, I cannot suspend belief long enough to 'buy' it.

Yet others have liked the tale, and liked it enough to give it 4.5 stars on the average. I can only beg your pardon, but this did not reach the heights it could have. A good idea, some great description, the nucleus of a gripping read.


*Flower5* What I liked: The setting was done in great detail, I happen to like good description. "The tree twisted together like the yarn in that crazy scarf Trudy gave me"

You can have too much of a good thing though. *Laugh*


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are not made from any pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more from a concerned reader who found a couple of hiccups in the read. I detail a few only, you may find more.
*Cut* "Any exercise was to much for me."
*Paste* Your third line and it has the third hiccup. I think you mean 'too much'.

*Cut*"The short sprint to the tree line proved worth while."
*Paste*I would have written that as 'worthwhile', one word. Or perhaps 'worth my while'.

*Cut*"I just exsepted that a person I met a month ago is dead, as if it dosn't matter..."
*Paste* 'accepted'? Definitely 'doesn't'.

*Cut*"the next time the road seams clear ..."
*Paste* For a second I thought of the lines down a road, running like seams down a garment's length. I was distracted but came back to find it not making sense. Then I got it, 'seems'.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

A Simply Positive multi-signature.
98
98
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello ~WhoMe???~ Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I reviewed your port pretty often, I have feasted on the stories, I now turn to the poetry. A poem written for your sister and her beau, that is a new one, I had to peruse the tribute.

*Flower5* The General Impression: Does this form have a specific name? I found the idea attractive, to use the last word of one stanza to begin the next, the echo effect is pleasing. The rhyme is simple, alternate, direct end rhyme. abcb. No attempt at meter, although 5-4-5-4 or 4-5-4-5 would not be hard to achieve. Still the lines are short and simple enough to create a cadence of their own.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: There are two kinds of love hidden within. The first is easy to spot, it belongs to the lovers true, a sweet and pure note. The other is the sibling love, the one that made you pen this tribute, that is deep and clear, it strikes straight to the heart.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: It was the word 'accompany', in the third verse. It made the line long and unwieldy, breaking the smooth flow of the read. Could you not use a synonym, like 'escort' or even the simple 'shadow'?


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: Except for that one word, not a single hiccup.




Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Time marches on  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Flower5* What Drew Me In: It was not the impressive ribbon, that generally dissuades me, I am afraid I would have little to add in a much lauded piece. It was more the title, a subject that has fascinated philosophers aplenty from - let's face it - time immemorial. I wrote a piece called "Time Passes", but the resemblance ends with the title, yet it served to deepen my interest to read within.

*Flower5* The General Impression: The profound thoughts blew me away, only one passionate about the subject could project so much emotion in her words. Free verse is one of the most difficult forms, contrary its popularity with amateur poets. It has no props, no rhyme, no cadence, to allure and attract. It must stand on the strength of words and form alone. This one is a warning to us, to get serious about that which surrounds us.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: A powerful subject handled with passion and sincerity. You use alliteration to the full, I think it is a subtle device that garners attention without much fanfare. "Continents commiserate", "disastrous deforestation" & "abomination of aggression".

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: I thought the last line was too long, it made the poem 'bottom heavy'. Free verse would allow you to break that up, if you so wished. Again, I suggest this only because it is otherwise such an emotive piece and the ending must be strong - contain a sucker punch.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"Yet ,time marches on." This contains the title, so the mistake becomes a glaring one, rather than the minor typo it should be. The comma should be shifted one place to the left - 'Yet, time marches on'.



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Ever Thankful  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: The story is non-fictional, it is about four lives brought together through compassion, the title implies as much. It is a short tale, I found myself wanting to know about these four people who had been brought together.

*Flower5* The General Impression: A wonderful adoptive family, the parents are full of compassion and love to take in so many street dwellers, the homestead has half-a-dozen by the time the tale is posted. A mix of characters, some scarred by their time when homeless, some indomitable despite it all.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: The narrator is a real character, the bubble of mischief, the frank admission of brat-ish behaviour, these steal one's heart. There is a twist in the tale, perhaps not quite unexpected, and yet well worked. I liked it at any rate.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: This is not always a bad thing, to stop and ponder. I wish all of us had this much room in our hearts for the lesser fortunate ones. The photograph and the caption are superb, to adopt an advertising catchphrase that way - priceless.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

I just felt the story raced through things a bit, kind of impatient to get to the end. It would have helped if those deft caricatures were fleshed out a little.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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