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Review Requests: OFF
2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
Previous ... 22 23 24 25 -26- 27 ... Next
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Review of Hope in Yourself  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well said.
I do hope,...and I wish that hope will always be there to keep us going.
The poem ends very positively after the initial bitterness and that makes an excellent contrast.
There seems to be an attempt to maintain rhyme except for the last paragraph.
Perhaps deliberately, there is no attempt at meter, but the lines are still beautiful, like these...
"Hope for freedom but chains still grip.
Hope in Hope and you will slip."
Jyo
*Flower3* may your words go on to shine! *Flower3*
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627
627
Rated: E | (4.5)

*Note1* I would have preferred the use of "silent tears' for the title, but this works well too.

*Note1*Great job of rhythm. Impeccable meter.

*Note1*The refrain patern is good, as is the rhyming.

*Note1*Line I liked "Of what silent tears we once knew
For promised kiss and lying touch"

*Flower4* May your words go on to shine! *Flower4*
Jyo
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628
628
Review of The Birthday Wish  
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a beautiful little story.

What a charming family.

The interaction is so..."normal". It takes skill to portray that.

I think you are lucky and gifted. Lucky for being able to pull such marvellous characters out of your head, and gifted becasue you gave them to me too, so easily.

I love happy endings

Jyo
*Flower2* may your words go on to shine *Flower2*
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629
629
for entry "Prologue" 
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I love reading fantasy and deem writing fantasy to be a daunting task, it has to be different enough to be unreal and still be grounded enough to be believable.
A couple of suggestions
*Note5*The pavilion was placed just off the edge of a dancing green, just in the edge of the trees where they could enjoy the warm breeze in the tree leaves and a gentle shade.
Repetition of phrase highlighted, albeit with change of preposotion, it would be better to alter the description slightly.'Trees' and 'tree leaves' also seem an unnecessary repetition.

*Note5*The swearing seems out of character for a fantasy-“Damnit, can’t you people stay out of my head?”
...unless you make up a swear word. maybe, "Lumbbash", I was roused to swear "can't you people stay out of my head?"

*Note5*But aside from the nit-picking, it's an interesting beginning.

*Note5* Good interplay, dialogue and story progress.

I'd definitely come back for more.
*Flower4*May your words go on and shine! *Flower4*

*Flower4*Effort brings colour to Life! *Flower4*

Jyo
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630
630
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like your sense of humour. You have an excellent hand for satire.
The only thing that distressed me a lttle was that we were basically making fun of beasts that we intended to slaughter and consume. It sort of spoilt my appetite for a ready smile.
Emotion ruled for once.
Jyo
*Flower2* May your words go on and shine *Flower2*
*Flower2* Effort brings colour to Life. *Flower2*
631
631
Review of A Slower Return  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note2* Vivid images presented with unusual word choice.
*Note2* I especially liked the first stanza and its opening line.
"Humble leaf, with your spine exposed
to the howls of northern air"
*Note2* Cycle of life completed with this delicate rendering of "ashes to ashes" theme.
Jyo
*Flower4* May your words go on and shine!*Flower4*
*Flower4* Effort brings colour to Life. *Flower4*
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632
632
Review of So there I was.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1* You have a way of telling a story and describing settings.
There are a few edits possible.

*Note1*The first sentence is not only long, it contains a bracket to boot. consider breaking into two shorter sentences.

*Note1* "The Bar Keep quickly see's me"
Apostrophe not required.

*Note1* "and returns back to his shady corner"
"return back" is a tautology, 'return' implies to go back.

*Note1* "Carl Sagan's bong buddies"
What is a bong? Here in India we nickname Bengalis as "Bongs" but obviously you have some other term in mind!

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*
*Flower3* Effort brings colour to Life! *Flower3*
Jyo
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633
633
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I liked the general tone of the story.
Interesting idea, to make a game come real.
I would definitely like to read more.
Just one or two little errors.

*Note1*"grab a can of pop from the refrigerator under the shelves next to computer desk"
use of too many prepositions,it's confusing.

*Note1*"Eric lecturing Roxxor about their (he was apparently including Woot in the lecture even though he hadn’t been at the keyboard when the debacle happened) lack of serious focus during guild events"
It is preferable not to use brackets in stories. They break the thought process. Make two separate sentences instead.

*Note1*" Frome there you will be met....” "
Unless that's how it's spelled in the game world, it should be 'from'.

Do take this further.
*Flower2* May your words go on and shine! *Flower2*
*Flower3* Effort brings colour to Life! *Flower3*
Jyo
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634
634
Review of Taboo  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Perhaps you could format the thoughts of the protagonist in italics to show them clearly as voices in his mind?
*Note2* “Go out and play Timmy. Go out and play with the boys. Don’t hang around hear reading books and taking my hand.”
Should that be "here"?
*Note2* “My morning was fine.” I talked to Dina.”
Is there an extra apostrophe here?
*Note2* ""

*Note2* "The witch inside his head quickly yanked on his reigns."
perhaps you mean 'reins'?
Sweet and simple story but I just felt it jumped ahead too fast. Perhaps you could lengthen it a bit?

*Flower2* May your words go on and shine" *Flower2*
*Flower4* Effort brings colour to Life! *Flower4*
Jyo
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635
635
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This seemed so innocent a story except for the physical abuse in the opening.

But then I got lulled by the simple childish actions of the young girl.
The dialogue was great, crisp nad told the story well.

I even smiled at the description of the paint, enjoying its rich colour as much as Betty.

I held my breath, willing the mother to remain in a drunken stupor and not rouse to punish the child.

Then the end punched me right in the solar plexus.

Good work *Thumbsup*

*Flower2* May your words go on and shine! *Flower2*
Jyo
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636
636
Review of Seconds  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note1* Funnnny! I had a smile on my face the whole time!
*Note1* I liked the irony in spending time talking about time.
*Note1* Great conversation
*Note1* Real life characters
*Note1*Good ending, it had a punch!
*Note1* The only thing that irritated me a little was the use of a bracket in the first paragraph. I'd have preferred the thought as a separate sentence.

*Flower2* May your words go on and shine {:flower2}
Jyo
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637
637
Review of False Dreams,  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Please note these are personal opinions and suggestions only. Sip only of that which you find sweet, discard the sour!

*Note1* "I continued strolling towards the taxi’s"
Apostrophe not required.

*Note1*"The name I had previously reserved for my own children"
Child?

*Note1*"and the small picture she had drew"
"drawn"

*Note1*"calm atmosphere of the airport was sliced "
great imagery

All in all a moving story, minor points of conjecture can be ignored in the greater beauty of the tale.

*Flower1* May your words go on and shine! *Flower1*
Jyo

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638
638
Review of Who am I?  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*violet*You have verbalised your anguish very well.
I hope it proves cathartic.
It may not be poetry, but it is poetic.
It is definitely a picture, skifully portrayed.
Despite whatever happened there is balance and beauty within you.
Release your torment and find your place in the sun, where you belong.
*Flower4*May your words go on and shine!*Flower4*
Jyo
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639
639
Review of The Pretender  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note3*The central theme is well thought out.
*Note3*The opening two lines are powerful, I like the image of the unknowing world "toddling along"
*Note3*Loved the use of the word "wend"
*Note3* I'm not sure if poetic licence includes grammer, but "things" fly and a "thing" flies. (4th line, 1st stanza)
*Note3*Perhaps intendedly ragged meter in most stanzas.
*Note3*"I" is capitalized in places and not in others, including the start of a line.
There's great promise in there, uncover it!
*Flower4*May your words go on and shine!*Flower4*
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640
640
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Exhaustive and extensive report. I would not call it an essay per se because not much of your feelings or opinions show through.

*Note3* The paragraphs are very long and sometimes tackle many issues or points. Thus these could be used to split it into smaller paras to retain the reader's focus.

*Note3* "families best interest" should it not be either "family's best interests" or "families' best interests'?

*Note3* "fortify an individuals sentiments " apostrophe missing.

*Note3* "If there is a physically or emotionally abusive spouse belonging to the marriage it may be pertinent to resolve such an issue through means of divorce for example." Either delete the "for example" at the end of the sentence or place it at the beginning.

There are other such niggling errors easily found on an edit sweep.

*Note3*"Studies have shown that divorced and separated adults account for 70% of all chronic alcohol abusers as opposed to 15% for married persons(Gilman 2003)"

I beg to differ here, the statistics do not tell the whole story. Are the persons alcohol abusers because they are separated, or are they separated because they are alcohol abusers? Would they not have abused alcohol if they had stayed married?

*Note3* I appreciate the amount of research and thought you have put into the issue.

*Note3* There is little left unsaid.

*Flower4* May your words go on to shine*Flower4*
Jyo
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641
Review of Escape from hell  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This was a gripping story and had some weighty things to say regarding crime, the legal system and pain.
However, some things distracted from a really compelling tale.
Please note these are only suggestions.
*Note3*I found the sentences a tad lengthy, it sort of broke my attention.
*Note3*Perforce that made the paragraphs lengthy too. Perhaps shortening sentces would help focus on the desperate chase being detailed.
*Note3*I was suddenly jerked into another world by the abrupt change of setting, I felt that a return to the original setting and simultaneous progress of both would have made a good contrast. Here there was only that one jerky change.
*Note3*"Another thought inundated her mind like a disastrous flood washing a whole town:" The repetition of flood and innudation dliutes (pardon!) the message, perhaps "broke over her mind" or "wave" instead of flood might help?
*Note3*"our little one is alive and safe." & "mommy, it's me, I was kidnapped." Should not the sentences begin with a capital? And how come no officer of the law called to say Rebecca was safe but left it to a distressed and overwrought child to make the call?
*Note3*I liked that you showed how tragedy can affect the lives of near and dear, making it two-fold and three-fold.
There's great promise in there!
*Flower4*May your words always shine*Flower4*
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642
Review of Trust Me  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Note*A very poetic and modern rendition of the story of Job.
*Note*Beautifully scripted, I can picture the softly worded commands, the anguish, the persuasion and finally the acceptance.
*Note*I especially appreciated the emotion in these lines
"How can I trust Someone
Who would do this to me?
How can I lay aside all my fears
And not worry, willingly"
*Flower4*May your words always shine!*Flower4*
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643
Review of A Promise Kept  
Rated: E | (5.0)
How can you play on heart-strings so easily?
I guess its because you speak from the heart!
You kept your promise to your mother.
I have loved reading about the wonderful people in your life and their reflection in your writing.
May your words always shine bright!*Heart*
Jyo
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Review of It was 1959.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note3*Entertaining story.
*Note3*Good descriptive style with a unique staccato rhythm.
*Note3*The character of the narrator is well drawn.
Just one or two observations, please note these are only suggestions or queries.
*Note5*While we both looked far older than our actual ages, the folks who generally went to these activities were far older than we and of course not interested in anything we might have to offer. Repetition of the words "far older" in the sentence. consider using other qualifying phrase like "more mature" or " a generation removed".
"An older man (to us) of about forty five," The statement in the bracket is probably not required, the youth of the protagonists clearly established in the beginning, forty-five would be old to them.
"We called them undershirts back then, now a days they call them “wife beaters.” " With this amount of detail about the name, I am perplexed by the term "wife beaters" and it unnecessarily breaks my concentration. Also should it not be "nowadays" as one word?
All things considered, enjoyable read.Write on!*Check4*
Jyo
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645
Review of Let Go  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Are you sure this is a first attempt? It has the hallmarks of a seasoned poet. Kudos*Thumbsup*
*Flower4*Beautiful read.
*Note4*I like it that the individual couplets all form part of the same theme.
*Note4*Excellent rhyming.
*Note4*Poignant message.
*Note4*Strict adherence to meter.
*Note4*Excellent flow.
*Note4*Overall coherence to a central theme.
Jyo
646
646
Rated: E | (5.0)
I must thank you for explaining the idea behind the contest so succintly.*Flower4*
The rules are extremely generous, and will obviously encourage participation.*Flower4*
The chance to learn by reading other contributions is immense.*Check4*
And your detailed and kind reviews are a bonus.*Check4*
I also appreciate the kind way you rejected my inappropriate entry*Blush* and encouraged me to write a more suitable item.
May your tribe flourish!*Thumbsup*
Jyo
647
647
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Clean neat layout. I intend to take the tip about spaces between paragraphs to heed.
Impeccable grammar and punctuation.
Just enough detail revealed to explain the progress of the story, and enough promised to draw me right into the story.
The dialogue was crisp.
The writing was simple and still had well crafted description like "The lawn was dry and weeds poked their heads through cracks in the sidewalk."
Who am I kidding? You know you're good.
But you left me wanting more...
Jyo
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648
648
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey, Nice!
This proves what I've heard, that a good write can be about anything at all.
The thoughts within the thoughts, nicely italicized.
Very believable little incident, I could see it unfolding in front of my eyes!
I enjoyed all thirty-five minutes!
Jyo
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649
649
Review of Big Eddie  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice introduction, leaves one with an appetite for more.
I notice this is an old item so I'm sure to be visiting your port for the main movie since I was intrigued by the trailer.
You have swiftly and surely sketched both characters, A nice bit of satirical humour about the tough guy needing to seem even tougher, and his ignominous coughing fit!
Jyo
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650
650
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The words bled onto my consciousness, a thousand wounds and yet nobody feels any pain!
This could be so true of my country even, that I found myself applauding silently at each refrain.
A wonderful expression of angst.
Please, we need you to believe.
Jyo
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