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Review Requests: OFF
2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
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626
626
Review of Escape from hell  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This was a gripping story and had some weighty things to say regarding crime, the legal system and pain.
However, some things distracted from a really compelling tale.
Please note these are only suggestions.
*Note3*I found the sentences a tad lengthy, it sort of broke my attention.
*Note3*Perforce that made the paragraphs lengthy too. Perhaps shortening sentces would help focus on the desperate chase being detailed.
*Note3*I was suddenly jerked into another world by the abrupt change of setting, I felt that a return to the original setting and simultaneous progress of both would have made a good contrast. Here there was only that one jerky change.
*Note3*"Another thought inundated her mind like a disastrous flood washing a whole town:" The repetition of flood and innudation dliutes (pardon!) the message, perhaps "broke over her mind" or "wave" instead of flood might help?
*Note3*"our little one is alive and safe." & "mommy, it's me, I was kidnapped." Should not the sentences begin with a capital? And how come no officer of the law called to say Rebecca was safe but left it to a distressed and overwrought child to make the call?
*Note3*I liked that you showed how tragedy can affect the lives of near and dear, making it two-fold and three-fold.
There's great promise in there!
*Flower4*May your words always shine*Flower4*
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627
627
Review of Trust Me  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Note*A very poetic and modern rendition of the story of Job.
*Note*Beautifully scripted, I can picture the softly worded commands, the anguish, the persuasion and finally the acceptance.
*Note*I especially appreciated the emotion in these lines
"How can I trust Someone
Who would do this to me?
How can I lay aside all my fears
And not worry, willingly"
*Flower4*May your words always shine!*Flower4*
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628
628
Review of A Promise Kept  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
How can you play on heart-strings so easily?
I guess its because you speak from the heart!
You kept your promise to your mother.
I have loved reading about the wonderful people in your life and their reflection in your writing.
May your words always shine bright!*Heart*
Jyo
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629
629
Review of It was 1959.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note3*Entertaining story.
*Note3*Good descriptive style with a unique staccato rhythm.
*Note3*The character of the narrator is well drawn.
Just one or two observations, please note these are only suggestions or queries.
*Note5*While we both looked far older than our actual ages, the folks who generally went to these activities were far older than we and of course not interested in anything we might have to offer. Repetition of the words "far older" in the sentence. consider using other qualifying phrase like "more mature" or " a generation removed".
"An older man (to us) of about forty five," The statement in the bracket is probably not required, the youth of the protagonists clearly established in the beginning, forty-five would be old to them.
"We called them undershirts back then, now a days they call them “wife beaters.” " With this amount of detail about the name, I am perplexed by the term "wife beaters" and it unnecessarily breaks my concentration. Also should it not be "nowadays" as one word?
All things considered, enjoyable read.Write on!*Check4*
Jyo
630
630
Review of Let Go  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Are you sure this is a first attempt? It has the hallmarks of a seasoned poet. Kudos*Thumbsup*
*Flower4*Beautiful read.
*Note4*I like it that the individual couplets all form part of the same theme.
*Note4*Excellent rhyming.
*Note4*Poignant message.
*Note4*Strict adherence to meter.
*Note4*Excellent flow.
*Note4*Overall coherence to a central theme.
Jyo
631
631
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Clean neat layout. I intend to take the tip about spaces between paragraphs to heed.
Impeccable grammar and punctuation.
Just enough detail revealed to explain the progress of the story, and enough promised to draw me right into the story.
The dialogue was crisp.
The writing was simple and still had well crafted description like "The lawn was dry and weeds poked their heads through cracks in the sidewalk."
Who am I kidding? You know you're good.
But you left me wanting more...
Jyo
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632
632
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey, Nice!
This proves what I've heard, that a good write can be about anything at all.
The thoughts within the thoughts, nicely italicized.
Very believable little incident, I could see it unfolding in front of my eyes!
I enjoyed all thirty-five minutes!
Jyo
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633
633
Review of Big Eddie  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice introduction, leaves one with an appetite for more.
I notice this is an old item so I'm sure to be visiting your port for the main movie since I was intrigued by the trailer.
You have swiftly and surely sketched both characters, A nice bit of satirical humour about the tough guy needing to seem even tougher, and his ignominous coughing fit!
Jyo
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634
634
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The words bled onto my consciousness, a thousand wounds and yet nobody feels any pain!
This could be so true of my country even, that I found myself applauding silently at each refrain.
A wonderful expression of angst.
Please, we need you to believe.
Jyo
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635
635
Review of The slice of Nora  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I thought you did a good job of telling the story from the viewpoint of the girl-woman.
The title was very apt and highlighted the end.
The descriptions of the interaction between, and the behaviour of, each character came out as very real.
I could see the incident in my mind's eye.
Good work.
Just one clarification, what are pufy arm chairs? Something like puffy or pouffe?
Jyo
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636
636
Rated: E | (5.0)
Boy oh boy! I tasted every one of those chocolates!
(I can feel the inches creeping onto my hips already.Nothing that tastes this good is non-fattening.)
Such rich description, layer upon layer of anticipation, the slow delivery of texture and taste....superb!
This is my idea of a delicious read!
Thanks.
Jyo
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637
637
Review of Interrogation  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Whoosh! That was one firmly in the solar plexus.
Some hard truths about ourselves and your getting aliens to drive home the message is spine tingling.
I am glad you did not venture near the aliens trying to take us over for "our own good".
The part about being captured and helpless also drove home the message of how animals in our thrall must feel even when we are trying to "only" observe them.
The dedication made me feel good again.
Some word combinations I liked...
"footsteps dwindling", omitting "sound of" made it very graphic.
"Anger was building up like a balloon being blown up just about to burst."
Some chilling statistices, worth remembering.
Great stuff.*Thumbsup*
Jyo
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638
638
Review of The Moment  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Profound understanding of realtionships and familiy life here.
Tight narration, excellent character portraits.
Sometimes two people are like opposite sides of a coin, each so real and "right" in his own POV, totally unable to see the other side, and each is necessarily bound to the other and expectant of something which is not received.
Well depicted. The end is is so real it sent gossebumps up my flesh.
Jyo
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639
639
Review of The Beatings  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Pulsing with feeling.
Raw bleeding words, some phrases I especially liked were-
"even the truant leaves hide"
"the temperature exploded right in her face"
The meaning is right there for all of us to take, that if only we could take charge of our lives we could escape abuse.
Bravo!
Jyo
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640
640
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note3*I felt the pain of the young boy.
*Note3*The character is very believable and the intrusion of pain into everyday mundane lefe skilfully done.
*Note3*The explanation of why the character is listless or avoids certain objects or activities is also deftly handled.
*Note3*The mother makes her presence felt as a benign and loving caring person, despite never really appearing in the story at all.
*Note3*All in all, a good effort!
*Note3*Just a word, avoid lengthy paragraphs.
Jyo
641
641
Review of Last orders  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I wonder if you have read "the Open Window" by "Saki"?
I was reminded a bit of that story although this has an entirely different setting.
Some of the descriptive part was amazingly attention grabbing, I loved the description of the carpet.
Another phrase that I enjoyed was "hollow gulping sound resonated from his throat like a cartoon character" *Flower4*
Good stuff!*Thumbsup*
Jyo
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