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2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
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601
601
Review of 52 Candles  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Succint Title, sums up the poem perfectly

*Flower5* Excellent shifts of mood from the reminescent to the sad and back and forth.

*Flower5* I certainly did not anticipate the turn in the end, well done.

*Flower5* The words are very simple and yet they pull strongly upon the emotions.

*Flower5* The mind's eye finds it easy to imagine the picture you paint with your words.

*Flower5* Kudos

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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602
602
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


*Flower5* Title that draws one in due to its repetitive sounds and alliteration. Like Jack and Jill.

*Flower5* I now have two more names to add to my bag. I found Rigoberto, the equivalent of Herbert in English and it means 'valiant warrior', but from where does Ratoncito come?

*Flower5* The 'setting' is well described, the story well laid out, and then it suddenly ends. It left me a litlle bewidered, to say the least. Perhaps it is part of a larger piece? I notice you call it fiction, not a short story so prehaps the usual rules of beginning middle and end, or of problem and resolution do not hold sway here.

*Flower5* Your choice of font and format makes it very easy on the eye, and allows one to scan the item easily.

*Flower5* My favourite lines "Hip to hip, they watched the headlights of the car scour the gravel driveway"*Flower5* May I say I enjoyed this so much, I wished I could read more about the characters as you develop the story? Rigoberto for sure came alive in front of my eyes.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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603
603
Review of Just Like Him  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


*Flower5* The Title is the first thing I notice about a story, so your title gave away part of the development to me,but the anticipation merely heightened my appreciation.

*Flower5* The setting of the story, especially the first paragraph, was excellent. The first paragraph is the next thing that impacts upon my mind while reading, and pretty powerful it was!

*Flower5* I could 'see' the characters easily, including Melissa and Rob who are just 'incidental' to the story. That kind of deft creation of 'people' takes skill.

*Flower5* Lastly, I have a weakness for a 'twist in the tail'. Your tale did not disappoint me!

*Flower5* Kudos!

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*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

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604
604
Review of It Was So Hard  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I had a tough time navigating this port, it was decorated with so many ribbons! I wandered around and found a piece that "spoke" to me!

*Flower5* Simply poignant and poignantly simple! Very well told in words that flow straight from ( and to!) the heart.

*Flower5* Yes, support in moments of bereavment is worth more than all the other times one is 'there'.

*Flower5* The reaction of children to loss, the deep kinship they have for their friends, and the unexplained cruelty of their peers, all well described.

*Flower5* Just a few typos in the piece, they take nothing away from the beauty of it, just a mention so that you can change them as you please.

"oridinary" ordinary
"classmates Dad" classmate's Dad
"site that's hard to forget"sight
"thier"their
"would'nt"wouldn't
"3"three

*Flower5* Your writing is devoid of pretention and comes from within you, effortlessly. Good work.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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605
605
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


*Flower5* You have the gift of the gab! I was chuckling at the descriptions throughout! The sense of humour in the lines is right off the charts!

*Flower5* You have some great metaphor and simile in your piece, but in the line below, I feel there is a problem of continuity of subject,
"This descended upon me earlier, and came clanging through my brain like the Liberty Bell just before I picked up the phone to call my boyfriend" Either place a comma or semi-colon after Liberty Bell, or re-phrase the sentence slightly. "This descended upon me earlier, just before I picked up the phone to call my boyfriend; it came clanging through my mind like the Liberty Bell". Just a suggestion, it's your call entirely.

*Flower5* Loved the alliterative description in these lines:
"I decided in all my tainted, tar-tinted wisdom to not bring the innocent into my personal hell"

*Flower5* Unusual choice of central theme, executed with flair!

*Flower5* May you live happily ever after, with the publishers knocking on your door!

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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606
606
Review of No Ho Ho Here  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


*Flower5* Alliterative and intriguing title.

*Flower5* I appreciate the difficulty of the prompt. A fitting response to the challenge.

*Flower5* I love the undercurrent of humour and the "natural" interaction between the characters.

*Flower5* Excellent dialogue. I love the descriptions too.
This was my favourite:
"The man shuddered, dreading the rest of the Honey-Do list waiting for him. He would much rather be out kissing babies and groveling for votes. Head hanging down, he already was thinking of the litany of chores his wife had for him."

*Flower5* There are no 'edit' errors, and I do not think this could be improved by any suggestion of mine.


Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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607
607
Review of Scooba Dooba Do  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


*Flower5* Scooba did it! Made me let out a crack of laughter, that is. Just the way I like to begin my day.

*Flower5* I was a little confused at first, because you talked to Scooba and that personified the image. But once I got "into" the story I was laughing throughout.

*Flower5* You have a gift for description, one can picture the cats so clearly. Loved this part.
"Slipping and sliding rather ungracefully across the slippery kitchen floor, I ended up on my knees next to the circling Scooba. Inches away from my face was a panicking cat being sucked, section by furry section, through the robot’s brush until only rapidly twitching ears could be seen. With one final burp, Scooba finished digesting what she’d found on the floor."

*Flower5* A difficult prompt, one that demands Sci-fi or fantasy, and yet you have placed it so deftly in the real world.

*Flower5* Kudos for a difficult job well done.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

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608
608
Review of Dark Eye  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


*Flower5* Very representative of its genre. Sci-fi, but nothing earth-shattering, figuratively speaking.

*Flower5* Action is tight and 'flows' well. Just one query, why guns in a sci-fi story? Try laser throwers, ultra-beam knives, whatever, think outside the box!

*Flower5* The problem and resolution again, very clear but predictable.

*Flower5* Good character descriptions

*Flower5* Just throw in a twist, some unexpected turn and you have a winner here.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

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609
609
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


*Flower5* I like the simplicity of the title.

*Flower5* The first and last verses make effective refrain verses

*Flower5* A few minor details.
'I' is not capitalized in one place, is that deliberate?

*Flower5* 'Its' used instead of 'it's'. A quick re-read will catch it.

*Flower5* 'three' written as 'thre'

*Flower5* I'd have placed commas in certain places to improve the reader's understanding, but this lack of punctuation can be taken as part of your 'style'

*Flower5* The fourth step would be the "tough one". So simple a step, it's difficult to follow. Nice going!


Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

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610
610
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a pleasant end to my day! I was being a bit choosy about the last review I did today and wanted to write about a piece-de-resistance!

*Flower5* There's humour in it and a profound message too!

*Flower5* There's a problem and there's a resolution.

*Flower5* Oh, what beatiful lines
"We've taken for granted our comfortable place.
God wants us moving and sharing His grace"

*Flower5* I am not going to talk about rhyme or meter, this is beyond that.

*Flower5* Thank-you for this sharing little delicacy.



Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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611
611
Rated: E | (4.0)

*Flower5* I liked this simple little story. The description of the orchard, the apples, were excellent

*Flower5* The little boy idolising and imitating his grandfather, and the older man deciding to allow his grandchild free rein in his artistic endeavours, great!


*Flower5* "Here boy, have and apple." an


*Flower5* "Without understanding kept pace (along side,) while strolling through the wine-apple orchard" Slightly awkward construction and unnecessary usage of bracket. Might I suggest something like " Not quite understanding the mumbled words, he strolled through the orchards careful to keep pace with his grandfather.

*Flower5* "good look'n" If the apostophe replaces one missing letter, what happened to the ending 'g'? The common form would be lookin'.

*Flower5* Some excellent imagery. One of my favourite ones - "into the sun which climbed steadily into the sky, cleaving a path over the trees, on its way to deliver the day"

*Flower5* A couple of missing commas, a full stop instead of an ellipsis, etc. You can catch 'em easily on a read through for edit purpose only. I mention a couple here:
"He'd warn him, "'"Words placed to page had often condemned the writer by binding the author with their meaning." Misplaced Quotation marks.& "His questions mounted quickly one by one until." Replace the full stop with an ellipsis

*Flower5* Heart warming story.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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612
612
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* Great choice of topic, lucidly covered.

*Flower5* "Recognize your child for the individual that they are" . There seems some singular/plural confusion in this sentence. Recognize your children for the individuals that they are?

*Flower5* I think you make very pertinent points here. The one that stands out best is "Pick your battles". Having brought two kids through the rebellious teen years I totally agree with this one.

*Flower5* I loved the advice for fractured families too. In the best of all worlds, that's the way to tackle it. I'd just add that if you can't work together amicably, then at least do not cloud any happy memories the kids may have of the other parent, with your negative input. Happy memories are a safety net.

*Flower5* Kudos on a tough subject tackled well.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

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613
613
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


*Flower5* The theme chosen is bold and definitely tackled sensitively. I'd prefer a more provocative title. I mean one that provokes interest in the piece. This is apt enough though.

*Flower5* Some edit required. You can do your own 'sweep', just a couple of examples. 4th line: The word should be 'not' (no). 9th paragraph, 1st line: I think the word is 'mean'(man). In one place you have "sissy's" where I think you mean sissies.

*Flower5* I'm presuming this is part of a larger peice? Because you definitely caught my eye and mind, and then left me hanging there.

*Flower5* The reasons for the confusion well shown, and given that this is a brief piece, the tiny flash-back is well done.

*Flower5* A little description of the two characters wouldn't hurt.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
614
614
Review of Ambidextrous  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

*Flower5* I liked this story immensely. I'm not going to qualify that statement in any way, so as to keep its sucker-punch hidden. Great work!

*Flower5* The characters were well developed, the action flowed naturally.

*Flower5* "For Paul, honestly reveled disdain." I'm sorry, I could not understand this line.

*Flower5* All in all an enjoyable read.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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615
615
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)

*Flower5* I'm sorry? I know that's either Bengali or something similar, but you are writing for a very limited audience if you do not translate that into English.

*Flower5* Is there any particular reason you choose to leave it written out in English, but phonetically another language?

*Flower5* What can I meaningfully say? The word college occurs...so it's about college life? And a love story beginning? There's upside down vision in it somewhere. "vison ultopalta"

*Flower5* The words roll roundly and musically on...but do give us the key. I'd love to revise my rating upwards, but I need to understand it first.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life. *Flower1*

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616
616
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*violet*
*Flower5* I liked the Title. Of course the choice of title was made evident in the first section itself, but it only furthered the curiosity to read on.

*Flower5* I also like the simultaneous development of plot from multiple viewpoints, and the Time-chart to help us make our way through the whole.

*Flower5*
"Consciousness returned as bright sunlight seared its way through his eyelids, abating the darkness." This is the first sentence, which should be prefection personified. Abating means reducing or alleviating, bright sulight would have a harsher effect, wonderfully described by the use of "seared its way". Maybe 'dispelling' or 'dispersing'?


*Flower5*
" Revulsion shuddered through him alerting the contusions and abrasions to their duty" I felt this was a bit of a non sequitur.

*Flower5*
"Crooking his arms backward, he placed his weight upon his forearms." Can one bend the arms backwards? Sorry to nit-pick like this, but the image conjured was a bit awkward.

*Flower5* Nice job bringing so many characters together.

*Flower5* The peice ends with a judicious amopunt of supense.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

Jyo
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617
Review of A Trunk's Tale  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flower4*

*Flower5* I had partaken of a surfeit of delicious non-fattening chocolate so I decided to taste this intriguing little morsel.

*Flower5* Catchy and tongue-twisting Title.

*Flower5* I could "see" the salesman and even the car very clearly. I found the traits of the narrator appealing, the absent-mindedness and the love for animals, but I would have liked a more detailed view.

*Flower5* A newsletter on-site deprecated the use of unnecessary words. For example if an action or idea suggested a direction, the direction itself was un-needed; like drawing up water from a well, the 'up' is not required. I'm not sure I agree fully, but in the sentence...
" heard the same strange sound in the car trunk behind me."Would you say the "behind" is redundant?

*Flower5* You have the concept down pat in this next example, where you have rightly omitted "open".
"After pulling over to the side of the road, I got out and popped the trunk"

*Flower5* This particular sentence had me going "huh?" Your prose is usually crystal clear.
"There was the tire jack next to the earthquake kit I’d absentmindedly left open after I bought it."

*Flower5* Great ending with the twist in the tale...um...tail...you figure that one out!

*Flower2* May your words go on and shine! *Flower2*

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618
618
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower1* Review 5

I found this a very moving tribute.

What are the different ways one can say "thank-you"?
This is one of the most unique and heart warming ways.

You have described Sheri very well, and since her admirers here are legion, I would recommend each one to read this, in salute to a warm and giving spirit.

The third line is my personal favourite.

*Flower4* May your words go on to shine! *flower*

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619
619
Review of Wedding Confusion  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey, this is just great!

A wonderful story steeped in Indian-ness.

The story cleverly explains the Indian words by having a "foreign" visitor as one of the main characters.

Clever and deft interplay between the many characters.

I was smiling all through the read, the piece is not humourous per se, but it induces the warmth of laughter throughout.

I wanted the narrative to go on. Perhap's we can see "The further adventures of Mrs. Robinson in India"?

*Flower5* May your words go on to shine! *Flower5*
*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life. *Flower1*
Jyo
620
620
Review of Euphoria  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Flower3* This is my first "Rising Star" review. Please bear with me.

This could still be haiku.

The kigo or season word is aptly used.

I can see the caesura or 'cut'

The traditonal format has been abandoned for a more flowing variation, rightly termed 'visual poetry'.

"Clayful mornings" - wonderful imagery right there. I was a little girl again eager for the first brooding swollen cloud, face upturned in eager anticipation of that first gentle wet kiss of raindrops.

*Flower2* May your words always shine! *Flower2*
*Flower3* Effort brings colour to Life. *Flower3*
Jyo
621
621
Review of The Night Sky  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice piece, but too short to be able to judge much.

One little tip I got when I first started writing was to avoid choosing "other" as item type or genre, it prevents people from finding your peice when they search by genre. Nobody, thrust me, searches for "Other". You could choose "Nature" and "Personal" or "Inspirational"

"They sit and watch down on us as we sleep". Are you sure you want to use the word "watch", it makes for a slightly awkward sentence construction.

Keep writing!

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*
*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life. *Flower1*

Jyo
622
622
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

*Note2*I liked the story for the excellent "movement" in the story, the events unfold naturally

*Note2*I also liked that the individuals were deftly and swiftly etched, and all the personalities and actions so neatly "fitted".

*Note2*I loved the mother reaching out from the grave to continue to control her daughter.

I had a couple of comments, you can use or discard the suggestions, as you please.*Smile*

*Note2* "Peering into the oval mirror, Elaine straightened the soft lapels of her pink satin dressing gown to better admire her peach skin, thick auburn hair and firm, long neck"
First sentences or paragraphs make a huge impact. I felt there were too may adjectives crowded into one sentence. Consider breaking it into two. For e.g., "Peering into the oval mirror, Elaine straightened the lapels of her dressing gown, hands lingering over the soft pink satin. She lifted her thick auburn her off her slender neck, admiring her creamy gold skin."

*Note2* "Afterward, as she wretched and wept into the toilet, her mother would try to comfort her"If the word is being used to describe a bout of emesis, it should be "retching", if it is to describe emotion a little reconstruction of the sentence would be required.

*Note2* "The adrenalin rushed to Ellen’s calves" Yes, adrenalin does cause the "fight or flight" reaction, so why would her calves then turn to gelatin? Perhaps a transition sentence required?

*Note2* Good stuff *Check4*

*Flower4* May your words go on to shine! *Flower4*
*Flower4*Effort brings colour to Life!*Flower4*

Jyo
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623
623
Review of My Joy  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note2* Ah the Joy of the firstborn, everafter so dear to us. The first poem I posted here on WDC is the least viewed item, least lauded in my portfolio, but it is still dear to me.

*Note2* Great title, contrasts well with the dark poem and is a definite "draw"

*Note2* Very unusual theme, and some of the emotions are protrayed in a very real and "raw" way.

*Note2* I was unused to "traditional" rhyming poetry when I first started writing my items. I got the hang of the rhyme alright but meter was an unknown entity. I now count the syllables and try to keep to some order in my poetry. It could a "disorderly" order but it has to be recognizable. A syllable count of 10-9-8-9-10 or even 1-2-3-4 is fine; but to be recognized atleast two such stanzas should occur. Just a suggestion.

*Note2* "And all the hardships their family’s endeavored" Should that not read "families endured"?

*Note2* "He yelled and he swung, as he tried to fight back
As I took him by the feet, and threw him in a sac" The rhyme will allow "sack", why not use that?

*Note2* "Once it was finished i would finally be at ease
But suddenly i found myself slammed against the car
" Any particular reason for the use of a small "i"?

*Note2* I liked the irony of the ending.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower4* Effort brings colour to Life! *Flower4*
Jyo
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624
624
Review of The Deck's Ace  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Note3* Clean, neat and well framed.

*Note3* Tight, crisp dialogue.

*Note3*Held my interest right through.

*Note3*a couple of queries, "then Mr. Harvey started taking role"We say taking roll, is it different there?

*Note3*"Despite her Italian name, her features screamed Arian."I actually read this as "Asian" first glance because my mind was conditioned to Aryan. Is this an alternative spelling?

*Note3*" He was hansom, and funny"I thought "hansom" was a cab.

Jyo
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*
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625
625
Review of Rockabee  
Rated: E | (5.0)
How did I not see this beautiful tale before?

I just loved the allegory. One can read so much into the nuances in this story.

I liked the "story teller" beginning with the introduction of the "character". Lovely bits of humour in the introduction.

Fantasy, space odyssey, fairy tale and allegory all rolled into one.
Just lost in admiration.

Jyo

*Flower2* May your words go on to shine! *Flower2*
*Flower4* Effort brings colour to life! *Flower4*
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