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2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
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601
601
Review of Ambidextrous  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

*Flower5* I liked this story immensely. I'm not going to qualify that statement in any way, so as to keep its sucker-punch hidden. Great work!

*Flower5* The characters were well developed, the action flowed naturally.

*Flower5* "For Paul, honestly reveled disdain." I'm sorry, I could not understand this line.

*Flower5* All in all an enjoyable read.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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602
602
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)

*Flower5* I'm sorry? I know that's either Bengali or something similar, but you are writing for a very limited audience if you do not translate that into English.

*Flower5* Is there any particular reason you choose to leave it written out in English, but phonetically another language?

*Flower5* What can I meaningfully say? The word college occurs...so it's about college life? And a love story beginning? There's upside down vision in it somewhere. "vison ultopalta"

*Flower5* The words roll roundly and musically on...but do give us the key. I'd love to revise my rating upwards, but I need to understand it first.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life. *Flower1*

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603
603
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*violet*
*Flower5* I liked the Title. Of course the choice of title was made evident in the first section itself, but it only furthered the curiosity to read on.

*Flower5* I also like the simultaneous development of plot from multiple viewpoints, and the Time-chart to help us make our way through the whole.

*Flower5*
"Consciousness returned as bright sunlight seared its way through his eyelids, abating the darkness." This is the first sentence, which should be prefection personified. Abating means reducing or alleviating, bright sulight would have a harsher effect, wonderfully described by the use of "seared its way". Maybe 'dispelling' or 'dispersing'?


*Flower5*
" Revulsion shuddered through him alerting the contusions and abrasions to their duty" I felt this was a bit of a non sequitur.

*Flower5*
"Crooking his arms backward, he placed his weight upon his forearms." Can one bend the arms backwards? Sorry to nit-pick like this, but the image conjured was a bit awkward.

*Flower5* Nice job bringing so many characters together.

*Flower5* The peice ends with a judicious amopunt of supense.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

Jyo
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604
604
Review of A Trunk's Tale  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flower4*

*Flower5* I had partaken of a surfeit of delicious non-fattening chocolate so I decided to taste this intriguing little morsel.

*Flower5* Catchy and tongue-twisting Title.

*Flower5* I could "see" the salesman and even the car very clearly. I found the traits of the narrator appealing, the absent-mindedness and the love for animals, but I would have liked a more detailed view.

*Flower5* A newsletter on-site deprecated the use of unnecessary words. For example if an action or idea suggested a direction, the direction itself was un-needed; like drawing up water from a well, the 'up' is not required. I'm not sure I agree fully, but in the sentence...
" heard the same strange sound in the car trunk behind me."Would you say the "behind" is redundant?

*Flower5* You have the concept down pat in this next example, where you have rightly omitted "open".
"After pulling over to the side of the road, I got out and popped the trunk"

*Flower5* This particular sentence had me going "huh?" Your prose is usually crystal clear.
"There was the tire jack next to the earthquake kit I’d absentmindedly left open after I bought it."

*Flower5* Great ending with the twist in the tale...um...tail...you figure that one out!

*Flower2* May your words go on and shine! *Flower2*

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605
605
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower1* Review 5

I found this a very moving tribute.

What are the different ways one can say "thank-you"?
This is one of the most unique and heart warming ways.

You have described Sheri very well, and since her admirers here are legion, I would recommend each one to read this, in salute to a warm and giving spirit.

The third line is my personal favourite.

*Flower4* May your words go on to shine! *flower*

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606
606
Review of Wedding Confusion  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey, this is just great!

A wonderful story steeped in Indian-ness.

The story cleverly explains the Indian words by having a "foreign" visitor as one of the main characters.

Clever and deft interplay between the many characters.

I was smiling all through the read, the piece is not humourous per se, but it induces the warmth of laughter throughout.

I wanted the narrative to go on. Perhap's we can see "The further adventures of Mrs. Robinson in India"?

*Flower5* May your words go on to shine! *Flower5*
*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life. *Flower1*
Jyo
607
607
Review of Euphoria  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Flower3* This is my first "Rising Star" review. Please bear with me.

This could still be haiku.

The kigo or season word is aptly used.

I can see the caesura or 'cut'

The traditonal format has been abandoned for a more flowing variation, rightly termed 'visual poetry'.

"Clayful mornings" - wonderful imagery right there. I was a little girl again eager for the first brooding swollen cloud, face upturned in eager anticipation of that first gentle wet kiss of raindrops.

*Flower2* May your words always shine! *Flower2*
*Flower3* Effort brings colour to Life. *Flower3*
Jyo
608
608
Review of The Night Sky  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice piece, but too short to be able to judge much.

One little tip I got when I first started writing was to avoid choosing "other" as item type or genre, it prevents people from finding your peice when they search by genre. Nobody, thrust me, searches for "Other". You could choose "Nature" and "Personal" or "Inspirational"

"They sit and watch down on us as we sleep". Are you sure you want to use the word "watch", it makes for a slightly awkward sentence construction.

Keep writing!

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*
*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life. *Flower1*

Jyo
609
609
Review of My Joy  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note2* Ah the Joy of the firstborn, everafter so dear to us. The first poem I posted here on WDC is the least viewed item, least lauded in my portfolio, but it is still dear to me.

*Note2* Great title, contrasts well with the dark poem and is a definite "draw"

*Note2* Very unusual theme, and some of the emotions are protrayed in a very real and "raw" way.

*Note2* I was unused to "traditional" rhyming poetry when I first started writing my items. I got the hang of the rhyme alright but meter was an unknown entity. I now count the syllables and try to keep to some order in my poetry. It could a "disorderly" order but it has to be recognizable. A syllable count of 10-9-8-9-10 or even 1-2-3-4 is fine; but to be recognized atleast two such stanzas should occur. Just a suggestion.

*Note2* "And all the hardships their family’s endeavored" Should that not read "families endured"?

*Note2* "He yelled and he swung, as he tried to fight back
As I took him by the feet, and threw him in a sac" The rhyme will allow "sack", why not use that?

*Note2* "Once it was finished i would finally be at ease
But suddenly i found myself slammed against the car
" Any particular reason for the use of a small "i"?

*Note2* I liked the irony of the ending.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower4* Effort brings colour to Life! *Flower4*
Jyo
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610
610
Review of The Deck's Ace  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Note3* Clean, neat and well framed.

*Note3* Tight, crisp dialogue.

*Note3*Held my interest right through.

*Note3*a couple of queries, "then Mr. Harvey started taking role"We say taking roll, is it different there?

*Note3*"Despite her Italian name, her features screamed Arian."I actually read this as "Asian" first glance because my mind was conditioned to Aryan. Is this an alternative spelling?

*Note3*" He was hansom, and funny"I thought "hansom" was a cab.

Jyo
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*
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611
611
Review of Rockabee  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
How did I not see this beautiful tale before?

I just loved the allegory. One can read so much into the nuances in this story.

I liked the "story teller" beginning with the introduction of the "character". Lovely bits of humour in the introduction.

Fantasy, space odyssey, fairy tale and allegory all rolled into one.
Just lost in admiration.

Jyo

*Flower2* May your words go on to shine! *Flower2*
*Flower4* Effort brings colour to life! *Flower4*
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612
612
Review of Hope in Yourself  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well said.
I do hope,...and I wish that hope will always be there to keep us going.
The poem ends very positively after the initial bitterness and that makes an excellent contrast.
There seems to be an attempt to maintain rhyme except for the last paragraph.
Perhaps deliberately, there is no attempt at meter, but the lines are still beautiful, like these...
"Hope for freedom but chains still grip.
Hope in Hope and you will slip."
Jyo
*Flower3* may your words go on to shine! *Flower3*
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613
613
Rated: E | (4.5)

*Note1* I would have preferred the use of "silent tears' for the title, but this works well too.

*Note1*Great job of rhythm. Impeccable meter.

*Note1*The refrain patern is good, as is the rhyming.

*Note1*Line I liked "Of what silent tears we once knew
For promised kiss and lying touch"

*Flower4* May your words go on to shine! *Flower4*
Jyo
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614
614
Review of The Birthday Wish  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a beautiful little story.

What a charming family.

The interaction is so..."normal". It takes skill to portray that.

I think you are lucky and gifted. Lucky for being able to pull such marvellous characters out of your head, and gifted becasue you gave them to me too, so easily.

I love happy endings

Jyo
*Flower2* may your words go on to shine *Flower2*
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615
615
for entry "Prologue" Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I love reading fantasy and deem writing fantasy to be a daunting task, it has to be different enough to be unreal and still be grounded enough to be believable.
A couple of suggestions
*Note5*The pavilion was placed just off the edge of a dancing green, just in the edge of the trees where they could enjoy the warm breeze in the tree leaves and a gentle shade.
Repetition of phrase highlighted, albeit with change of preposotion, it would be better to alter the description slightly.'Trees' and 'tree leaves' also seem an unnecessary repetition.

*Note5*The swearing seems out of character for a fantasy-“Damnit, can’t you people stay out of my head?”
...unless you make up a swear word. maybe, "Lumbbash", I was roused to swear "can't you people stay out of my head?"

*Note5*But aside from the nit-picking, it's an interesting beginning.

*Note5* Good interplay, dialogue and story progress.

I'd definitely come back for more.
*Flower4*May your words go on and shine! *Flower4*

*Flower4*Effort brings colour to Life! *Flower4*

Jyo
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616
616
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like your sense of humour. You have an excellent hand for satire.
The only thing that distressed me a lttle was that we were basically making fun of beasts that we intended to slaughter and consume. It sort of spoilt my appetite for a ready smile.
Emotion ruled for once.
Jyo
*Flower2* May your words go on and shine *Flower2*
*Flower2* Effort brings colour to Life. *Flower2*
617
617
Review of So there I was.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1* You have a way of telling a story and describing settings.
There are a few edits possible.

*Note1*The first sentence is not only long, it contains a bracket to boot. consider breaking into two shorter sentences.

*Note1* "The Bar Keep quickly see's me"
Apostrophe not required.

*Note1* "and returns back to his shady corner"
"return back" is a tautology, 'return' implies to go back.

*Note1* "Carl Sagan's bong buddies"
What is a bong? Here in India we nickname Bengalis as "Bongs" but obviously you have some other term in mind!

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*
*Flower3* Effort brings colour to Life! *Flower3*
Jyo
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618
618
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I liked the general tone of the story.
Interesting idea, to make a game come real.
I would definitely like to read more.
Just one or two little errors.

*Note1*"grab a can of pop from the refrigerator under the shelves next to computer desk"
use of too many prepositions,it's confusing.

*Note1*"Eric lecturing Roxxor about their (he was apparently including Woot in the lecture even though he hadn’t been at the keyboard when the debacle happened) lack of serious focus during guild events"
It is preferable not to use brackets in stories. They break the thought process. Make two separate sentences instead.

*Note1*" Frome there you will be met....” "
Unless that's how it's spelled in the game world, it should be 'from'.

Do take this further.
*Flower2* May your words go on and shine! *Flower2*
*Flower3* Effort brings colour to Life! *Flower3*
Jyo
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619
619
Review of Taboo  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Perhaps you could format the thoughts of the protagonist in italics to show them clearly as voices in his mind?
*Note2* “Go out and play Timmy. Go out and play with the boys. Don’t hang around hear reading books and taking my hand.”
Should that be "here"?
*Note2* “My morning was fine.” I talked to Dina.”
Is there an extra apostrophe here?
*Note2* ""

*Note2* "The witch inside his head quickly yanked on his reigns."
perhaps you mean 'reins'?
Sweet and simple story but I just felt it jumped ahead too fast. Perhaps you could lengthen it a bit?

*Flower2* May your words go on and shine" *Flower2*
*Flower4* Effort brings colour to Life! *Flower4*
Jyo
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620
620
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This seemed so innocent a story except for the physical abuse in the opening.

But then I got lulled by the simple childish actions of the young girl.
The dialogue was great, crisp nad told the story well.

I even smiled at the description of the paint, enjoying its rich colour as much as Betty.

I held my breath, willing the mother to remain in a drunken stupor and not rouse to punish the child.

Then the end punched me right in the solar plexus.

Good work *Thumbsup*

*Flower2* May your words go on and shine! *Flower2*
Jyo
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621
621
Review of Seconds  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note1* Funnnny! I had a smile on my face the whole time!
*Note1* I liked the irony in spending time talking about time.
*Note1* Great conversation
*Note1* Real life characters
*Note1*Good ending, it had a punch!
*Note1* The only thing that irritated me a little was the use of a bracket in the first paragraph. I'd have preferred the thought as a separate sentence.

*Flower2* May your words go on and shine {:flower2}
Jyo
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622
622
Review of False Dreams,  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Please note these are personal opinions and suggestions only. Sip only of that which you find sweet, discard the sour!

*Note1* "I continued strolling towards the taxi’s"
Apostrophe not required.

*Note1*"The name I had previously reserved for my own children"
Child?

*Note1*"and the small picture she had drew"
"drawn"

*Note1*"calm atmosphere of the airport was sliced "
great imagery

All in all a moving story, minor points of conjecture can be ignored in the greater beauty of the tale.

*Flower1* May your words go on and shine! *Flower1*
Jyo

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623
623
Review of Who am I?  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*violet*You have verbalised your anguish very well.
I hope it proves cathartic.
It may not be poetry, but it is poetic.
It is definitely a picture, skifully portrayed.
Despite whatever happened there is balance and beauty within you.
Release your torment and find your place in the sun, where you belong.
*Flower4*May your words go on and shine!*Flower4*
Jyo
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624
624
Review of The Pretender  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note3*The central theme is well thought out.
*Note3*The opening two lines are powerful, I like the image of the unknowing world "toddling along"
*Note3*Loved the use of the word "wend"
*Note3* I'm not sure if poetic licence includes grammer, but "things" fly and a "thing" flies. (4th line, 1st stanza)
*Note3*Perhaps intendedly ragged meter in most stanzas.
*Note3*"I" is capitalized in places and not in others, including the start of a line.
There's great promise in there, uncover it!
*Flower4*May your words go on and shine!*Flower4*
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625
625
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Exhaustive and extensive report. I would not call it an essay per se because not much of your feelings or opinions show through.

*Note3* The paragraphs are very long and sometimes tackle many issues or points. Thus these could be used to split it into smaller paras to retain the reader's focus.

*Note3* "families best interest" should it not be either "family's best interests" or "families' best interests'?

*Note3* "fortify an individuals sentiments " apostrophe missing.

*Note3* "If there is a physically or emotionally abusive spouse belonging to the marriage it may be pertinent to resolve such an issue through means of divorce for example." Either delete the "for example" at the end of the sentence or place it at the beginning.

There are other such niggling errors easily found on an edit sweep.

*Note3*"Studies have shown that divorced and separated adults account for 70% of all chronic alcohol abusers as opposed to 15% for married persons(Gilman 2003)"

I beg to differ here, the statistics do not tell the whole story. Are the persons alcohol abusers because they are separated, or are they separated because they are alcohol abusers? Would they not have abused alcohol if they had stayed married?

*Note3* I appreciate the amount of research and thought you have put into the issue.

*Note3* There is little left unsaid.

*Flower4* May your words go on to shine*Flower4*
Jyo
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