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Review Requests: ON
2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
Previous ... 18 19 20 21 -22- 23 24 25 26 27 ... Next
526
526
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)


*Flower5* This is one of the lighter chapters and I thoroughly enjoyed the camaraderie and developing romances depicted here. You even add a little spanner in the works as far as one of the relationships is concerned, and that was an unexpected twist. Keep surprising the reader like this and you generate continued interest.

*Flower5* Your description of Leblanc, as nothing unusual makes me wonder about the number of tall, well shaped, and attractive women there are in the forces? Obsidian to me was not the most attractive description for black eyes, recalling snake's eyes to my mind, but whatever works for Bryce.

*Flower5* Just celebrating at a pizza joint with beer and Bryce gets so drunk he does uncharacteristic things? Y'know that one can never be forced to do what one does want to do, even under deep hypnosis? This was the only thing that did not 'jell' with me.

*Flower5* "“Funny how their spin on things always makes us sound like the sociopath," she joked" I think it should be 'sound like sociopaths'.

*Flower5* Good work, I'm beginning to like the developing intricacies.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
527
527
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)



*Flower5* You have the action neatly labeled by the location, something I liked. Maybe you could 'time-stamp' the events as well, giving it a chronological sequence too?

*Flower5* The inconsistent line spacing between paragraphs persists. I think the use of abbreviations in writing is better avoided, but if done it should be exact.
"You couldn’t afford me in this dump and I wouldn’t want to hurt ya Jr, " IT should be Jr.

*Flower5* There's some confusion as to who is saying what in the following sentence with lopsided quotes usage.“This other one I’ve seen around. She goes by the name of “Sugar Bare, as in B...A...R...E, get it right.” She would say. I don’t know her given name. The last I heard, she was working over at “T&A” on Atlantic as a part-time dancer part-time waitress. She has a bad habit and works the street to get her fix.”

*Flower5* I also liked the mutual attraction unfolding between Gina and Stern. The way they simultaneously thought about each other's attractive features was neatly done.

*Flower5* So far, so good.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
528
528
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)


*Flower5* I like the fact that the other chapters are given as bitem links in each part. But they would be most helpful after one finishes the read, rather than before. But perhaps you feel that if one has not already read the preceding chapters one goes there first? Works both ways.

*Flower5* I really like some of the descriptions used. Let me highlight one such sentence.
"It could carry so many different tones but always it felt like the devil's fingertips dancing down his spine"

*Flower5* The line spacing between paragraphs is not consistent, especially wwhen you have a one line dialogue preceding the paragraph.

*Flower5* This going back and forth between simultaneous events from entirely different viewpoints can be effective but equally it can be distracting. Your call on how far you intend to manipulate the see-saw.

*Flower5* Maybe you need to have a second look at the rating it teeters pretty much on the dividing line between this and a higher rating. Since the prologue is already rated higher, there's no harm in playing safe and giving this a higher content rating.

*Flower5* The relationship between the characters is a bit confusing, Taylor and David's to the Shadow-Man (as I have termed him in my mind), and to each other, that is. But, of course one is still willing to allow further chapters to provide the illumination. It is still an interesting chapter.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
529
529
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)



*Flower5* I still do not get the relevance of the title to the story, but that is not altogether a bad thing, it serves to deepen my interest.

*Flower5* "The frigid blast of air condition and the eerie silence raised the short hairs at the back of his neck, " Correct me if I am out of place but would not 'air-conditioning' or 'air-conditioner' be more appropriate?

*Flower5* I have to appreciate the detailed descriptions in this one, you give each character a face and personality here. The interaction between the characters was also deftly portrayed.

*Flower5* The story moves forward with a jerk at the rapid developments, I liked it and found the chapter over before I knew it.

*Flower5* This chapter ends on a complete note, the action resolving and coming to a halt, allowing us to take a breath before plunging into the next. I like the fact that this distinction was made, the prologue leaving us hanging, but the first chapter coming to a natural conclusion. I like the way this is shaping.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1372928 Unavailable **
530
530
Rated: E | (5.0)



*Flower5* Breathes there a man who would not read this and remembering, smile? Beats there a heart who would read this and and not leap within the breast? Sees there an eye that would read this and not well up with tears? Nay, say I.

*Flower5* A wonderful tribute to your mother, and my mother and my children's mother and all the mothers that have ever cradled their children in their arms.

*Flower5* You move effortlessly from the sublime to the ridiculous and just sum up what life really is. A combination of moment that heighten each other in contrast; little highlights, a yeast of events that leaven the bread of life.

*Flower5* I choked right up at the little footnote, it spoke to both the daughter and the mother within me. You say it so well that I have to quote:
"If I ever forget a mom like you,
May the angels in heaven forget me too"

*Flower5* I am so sorry for your loss, but she was blessed to have you honour her with this wonderful tribute. You are blessed to have someone in you life wonderful enough to inspire this piece.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
531
531
Review of Heed the Slighted  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


*Flower5* I thought this was a tale with a chilling message.

*Flower5* I sympathised with poor Sam; office, and indeed any 'coterie' humour, can be needlessly cruel. The subtle 'bullying' done by those who join in because they are afraid they will otherwise become the butt is depicted well here.

*Flower5* The paranoia of the ridiculed is also described well. The constant scheming at how to 'get back' becomes a focus.

*Flower5* Just one thing eluded me, why did Sam choose to perish with his tormentors. Is it because there is no escape from ridicule for him?

*Flower5* Superb little miniature. I admire those who say a lot in just a few words. Bravo, the character, the problem, the resolution all in 300 words.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
532
532
Review of Cliche Courtship  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


*Flower5* That is one tough prompt, especially for a good writer, to abandon originality and adopt cliche ridden story. You did it well and yet I found one excellent, non-cliched description. At least, I have not come across it before (but my education has been rather incomplete as far the language goes, so feel free to correct me!)- fear rising up in my esophagus like lava "

*Flower5* You weaved an unusual story, short and appealing all the while keeping to the task of using well worn phrases. Yet you slipped them in so neatly, that it was not overdone. Bravo.

*Flower5* There were so many that we all use, not even thinking them cliches, 'symbiotic organism', 'out with it already' 'oversized nose' and even the ending 'good measure'!

*Flower5* I thoroughly enjoyed this R, hoping you like the R&R that resulted.

*Flower5*

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
533
533
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* Why is the Title not in title case? (I think that means with the first letter of every word beginning with a capital letter.) Also to be balanced, I feel the form should be 'Your Voice Or Your Eyes' or 'Voice Or Eyes'.

*Flower5* I roamed your port to find the piece that most captured my heart, and this was it. So let me say what I should have said first , I liked this one. Some of the others might have been technically superior, but this is the one that 'spoke' to me.

*Flower5* I liked it all, I just can't quote a favourite line. The first stanza had a heart-stopping-breath-taking kind of love in it. Kudos.

*Flower5* Each stanza had a different note to hit and the whole made a very pleasant tune. Just one tiny request - could you cut out the ampersand in the first line of the second stanza and substitute 'and' in its place?

*Flower5* And in the last stanza I feel 'you shall adhere' to be more apt than 'you shall be adhered'. Since there is no syllable constraint, these changes can be made, if you so desire. I just mention these because that is all that kept it from achieving the status of superlative in my eyes. An excellent read.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
534
534
Review of Christian  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008


*Flower5* I liked the vein of premise that runs through this piece. I like the contrasting images and then he sameness of forms. An unsusual format, obviously not suited to rhyme or meter.

*Flower5* There is profound meaning to be gleaned from this piece and yet it can be taken at a superficial level to for the sheer pleasure of its cadence and mirror images.

*Flower5* This piece is full of imagery and evocative and meaningful lines. These lines appealed most to me for having it all.
"I am neither the snow storm blinding white
Nor the fire raging through the forest
Rather I am a single ember dancing on a cold winter sky"

*Flower5* Do you feel separating this into sets of lines dealing with one 'thought' might be more effective? Since the lines are all 'complete', the free flowing nature of free verse is not there, so perhaps arrangements into stanzas, albeit unequal, might be one way of dealing with it.

*Flower5* An enjoyable read that has given me a glow of warmth and satisfaction.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1372928 Unavailable **
535
535
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008


*Flower5* Hey, the title just pulled me into this one. Good going. It's not one of those delicate poetic title, but the subject matter is interesting enough to do the job.

*Flower5* I liked the format, rhyming couplets. There is no meter, but since this not a particular format, that does not matter.

*Flower5* I liked the way each couplet 'stand alone' and yet the whole ties together. The rhyming is impeccable.

*Flower5* You keep the instructions to the 'recipe' form inventively, there were many instructions which had me smiling and others that had me nodding. It has been accomplished neatly, without offense.

*Flower5* So glad there is a ribbon for this recipe. I liked this line the best :
"Remove inhibitions, proceed with haste.
For the best results, season to taste." But the last lines were an excellent 'cap'.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1372928 Unavailable **
536
536
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008


*Flower5* I thoroughly enjoyed this poem, mainly because I knew the story behind it. If you like you could post the bitem link to this poem in your other item, so others can also enjoy going from one to the other.

*Flower5* Please, please, do not use all caps for the title. Title case is having each word with a capital first letter. Use 'bold' format for emphasis, italics for separating memory from reality, or for a difference in moods, use two colours to distinguish parts in any other way, but no 'shouting' all caps.

*Flower5* This is free verse and it gives great freedom in arrangement of lines, you have done well. I'm not sure the one line space between lines worked for me, I think you could retain it between stanzas, but keep lines following each other without a space.

*Flower5* I think my favourite lines were "I saw it coming down like an overripe cantaloupe,

staining the sky with sticky, succulent golden juices."

*Flower5* Good work. I shall drop by again.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1372928 Unavailable **
537
537
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008


*Flower5* I was enticed into your port by an item featured in the latest newsletter. My, there are so many delctable treats spread out for us. But the decoration on this one prompted my clicking it open, and I'm so glad I did. For we know a little bit about you too, now.

*Flower5* Touching and heartfelt. I think the spirit of the horse was captured well. I like the lines "I'd like to swish the flys away
Without a tail that hurts!" But should it not be 'flies'?

*Flower5* Again the all caps, but only in the intro and title. Not necessary at all; unless you are used to typing with 'Caps Lock' on, and forget to undo that?

*Flower5* I can sympathise with the desire of our domestic animals to be free, no matter how well they are looked after in the long run. I'm sure my dog longs for the days when he used to run free, happily wallowing in garbage bins and rubbish heaps, gamboling with other strays. But he would not be happy without us either, I'm sure. Some of the lines are eloquent, the horse wanting to longer have to be pristine white, to be able to ramble and scratch his back against a tree, but still politely promising to give his hoof or nod a reply.

*Flower5* In the main the rhyming is perfect but I wondered if 'cheer' and 'pair' were a good rhyme choice.

*Flower5* Deserving of the pretty ribbon, for covering an unusual topic so well.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1372928 Unavailable **
538
538
Review of AMONG FRIENDS  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008This is review 5 of 5


*Flower5* Ah, what a sweet note to end the journey. I think this is a feast for the eye, ear and heart. The usual appealing images, the three little angels I have already admired once. The Three Sisters?

*Flower5* The words are pleasing and and flow together well, but I think a little tweaking might enhance the natural rhythm. There is an inherent cadence most of the way.
For e.g.
"It’s give and take that strengthen the pact,
to make it flourish and grow, that’s a fact."
I'd cut out the "to make" in the second line, and write, "let it" instead. Nine syllable each and adds to the rhythm without changing the meaning.
"It’s a nourishing kind of thing,
and with it real happiness does it bring."
I'd cut out the "with it" altogether, it is superfluous. Now both lines are eight syllables. Just suggestions.

*Flower5* I love the line "There is no yours, there is no mine.". I think the bit about being able to do away with pretension and lies touches the soul of friendship.

*Flower5* Friendship does nourish, I like each of the metaphors you have chosen to use. each fits the definition of that elusive and precious thing - friendship.

*Flower5* Sure,you will always be amongst your friends, there are a legion of them here!

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1372928 Unavailable **
539
539
Review of APRIL  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008 This is review 4 of 5


*Flower5* I'm coming to expect these great visuals every time. What a colourful portfolio. To have the butterflies arrayed on a delicate curved stem and have the flower buzzing and fluttering about them is a stroke of genius. I have my hat off in a salute of admiration!

*Flower5* Simple rhyme scheme, perfectly done. You had me smiling when I came across the incongruous pair of relaxes and taxes. But both are befitting for April, so (*shrug*) its perfectly OK.

*Flower5* Nice little ditty about the various aspects of the month from the expected showers and flowers to all the other paraphernalia that April brings along.

*Flower5* Some nice images conjured up there, scampering squirrels, children rushing out to play until light fails, the world turning 'green' again, etc.

*Flower5* Appealing, now one knows why you like April. My only little niggling unfulfilled expectation was in the way the lines wavered so in length. But is is otherwise picture perfect.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1372928 Unavailable **
540
540
Review of NOTHING TO FEAR  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008


*Flower5* The item is a work of art. I notice this in the many signatures you use too. The images are all visually arresting in their beauty, they are always apt, and the quotations are superb.

*Flower5* The three little angels busy with music, flowers and the natural world around, floating naturally on the fluffy cloud, ah, it makes one blessed. It is sure to reinforce faith for many, as it did for me. I do not believe in Heaven or Hell, or even a tangible God, but I do believe in "goodness" and a higher presence and that is what was reinforced. The message is capable of being interpreted in a much larger sense.

*Flower5* This is 'free verse', and has no structure or form, the words tumbling straight from the heart. Your inner goodness is revealed.

*Flower5* I agree with the line 'In God's hands there is nothing to fear', but I chose to understand that it meant that in this life - as long as we are content to go where we are taken, in goodness, trusting and uncomplaining, we have nothing to fear. A poem is so often what the reader makes of it, I found comfort and faith here.

*Flower5* This was a joy to read. I myself would have given the line breaks a little differently to create a different 'flow' or rhythm, but your style also works, it speaks naturally.

For example you have
"There is no need to fear if you believe
in our Almighty Father and his undying love.
There is no need to seek absolution from anyone save him,
no need to plead your cause for forgiveness,
for in God there is nothing to fear."

I would have made it

"There is no need
to fear
if you believe
in our Almighty Father
and his undying love.

There is no need
to seek
absolution from anyone
save him,

no need to plead
your cause
for forgiveness,
for in God
there is nothing to fear."

I just mention it to show how the same thing would be presented differently by another person; not to suggest a change.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1372928 Unavailable **
541
541
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is Review 2 of 5


*Flower5* I remember seeing one other collection of C-notes of this quality, but it stands out in appealing to what I look for most in images and greetings.

*Flower5* The occasions are those that might often arise in our community, a person being elevated to robes of blue or yellow; thanking someone for their kindness, or just for 'being there', wishing someone on any old day-not a birthday. Nice mix.

*Flower5* My favourite would have to me the curly haired little girl having fun blowing bubbles. Joy is like that beautiful, momentary surge of emotion, and evanescent. One has to revel in the moment to experience it.

*Flower5* The muted florals for the "Thank you for your kindness" C-note are unique. The faint images superimposed on a mauve-gray background suggested to me the way kindness creates an intricate and pleasing pattern in the fogginess of our humdrum lives. Great stuff.

*Flower5* The C-notes for friendship are also excellent, the two little girls intent in their joint activity, oblivious to the world around them, exquisite. Who would not feel better after receiving those delightful pink roses?

*Flower5* All in all a delectable and praiseworthy collection.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1358425 Unavailable **
542
542
Review of BUTTERFLY WINGS  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008

Review 1 of 5
*Flower5* What wonderful images! The butterflies look soft and delicate and floral. The fairy is absolutely the soul of the poem and creates its own visual impact and magnifies the impact of the poem. No wonder there's a bee buzzing around in fascination! I imagine that would be us readers.

*Flower5* This describes your attitude perfectly, although perhaps you did not intend it so. Yes, certainly she flies on wings of Hope, untiringly.

*Flower5* The description is delicate and vivid at the same time. I especially liked the lines:
"I fly upon butterfly wings,
red rose petals are my bed.
"

*Flower5* I'm glad you mention, at the outset, that it is not meant to rhyme. Otherwise, critics (like myself, I love neat rhymes) might cavil at the lack. Because this is set out in stanzas, not as 'free verse', one tends to expect rhyme.

*Flower5* Thank you for allowing me to visit your garden.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1372928 Unavailable **
543
543
Review of The Baggage  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008


*Flower5* I liked the title immediately, the meaning withing the meaning called my attention to the item. Good choice of subject matter and title.

*Flower5* I presume the use of the small 'i' is to emphasise how small and isolated you feel without the presence of your father behind you? If so, I liked that too.

*Flower5* The image that is conjured up is beautiful on two levels, the first, identification with the loving parent who would probably do something like that; and appreciation of the analogy of a parent reducing the child's burden without the child ever realising it, until he/she has to fend alone. Bravo.

*Flower5* Just loved the last two lines, "but i look back now
and the baggage is all mine". Is your lack of punctuation intentional too? you do you use commas in a couple of places, but there are no full-stops; and the comma use itself is not consistent.
For example in
"Never saw your hand
holding my bag from behind
sharing my burden
in a way, i could never find"
There should be a comma/semicolon after the second line at least.


*Flower5* I loved the meaning behind the piece and I'm willing to overlook the punctuation. Good work.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1372928 Unavailable **
544
544
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008


*Flower5* Inventive use of the prompt words. I understand the milkman had to make an appearance, and it did add to the disaster of a day depicted; but the use of 'bowled' and 'squirrel' was ingenuous. Marvelous job.

*Flower5* Hoo, boy! What a day, and your wry, self deprecating humour, just made the deterioration more hilarious. As always, a deft job.

*Flower5* Some bits had me chuckling away long after I finished my perusal of the piece. The bit about wondering why the good-night kiss was not forthcoming still elicits a snort of laughter, even now.

*Flower5* This is your niche, and you excel at it. Short shorts, with a rich vein of quiet but satisfying laughter. You let us have a look at home-made recipes for catastrophe, let us into this fictional life without restraints.

*Flower5* I'm not stinting this time, I enjoyed every bit of this mini-meal.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1372928 Unavailable **
545
545
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008

*Flower3* The Title: A good title, not the delicate poetic type, but perfectly apt for both the subject and the style used.

*Flower3* Rhyming:Choosing a simple scheme allows greater latitude in choice of words, if one wants to be good, one can be better with a simple scheme. You have it all nearly flawless in this aabb pattern, but what happens in the fifth and sixth lines? 'Push' and 'bottom' do not rhyme.

*Flower3* Meter:You have chosen not to use meter, and that's your choice. But similar line lengths or a pattern thereof helps making it more appealing. Some poems have no meter, but have an inherent rhythm overcoming that lack, this was not one of them.

*Flower3* Grammar: "save my bottom', is that a common phrase? Or are you using an euphemism in 'bottom' for a more recognisable but less acceptable term? It seemed odd to me. And what is the 'golden sheep' or 'golden lamb'? I thought it was the golden fleece?

*Flower3* Poetry Form:I see no particular form here. Just one stanza of rhyming couplets. Even if you choose no particular format, organizing thoughts into stanzas of couplets, quatrains, whatever; is one more way to increase visual appeal.

*Flower3* Poem as a whole: I liked the central premise - 'that person is You'. But the poem fell a little short in delivering that message, that one cannot wait for things to happen, but one has to get up and make them happen. Or have I understood this all wrong?

*Flower3* Remarks: You get a big*Thumbsup**Check2* for concept.
Jyo


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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008


*Flower5* What amazing photographs. It really set off both the prompt and the story.

*Flower5* "The remaining eight in his group straggle behind him in single file" To be consistent with the tense, it should be 'straggled'.

*Flower5* I love reading these delicate little morsels of yours, one never knows where you'll be taking the readers. Imagine fantasy and eco-tourism cheek-by-jowl in a story. Inventive genius.

*Flower5* The descriptions are one line wonders. And the visuals endorse our mental images. The physical setting could have been described with your well known effortless imagery. The setting descriptions though good, were not far above mundane.

*Flower5* It is so true, we need magic to set our eco-systems back in balance. Good work, showing a stark truth in a pleasant manner. If I'm stingy with that last half star, it is just that I have read some sublime efforts of yours, and this somehow fell just a little short of those. Sort of comparing you to yourself, which is unfair; but one expects perfection of you.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


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Review of Unbroken  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008


*Flower5* I confess I failed to comprehend this one. And yet it proudly wears a gamut of purple stars. I did not even understand the introduction. Maybe a couple of judicious commas could bring that into line.

*Flower5* Let me take it verse by verse, maybe that'll help. Verse one, the relationship that two built to stand the test of time and trials, right?

*Flower5* Verse Two, It is facing unprecedented troubles and is on the verge of breaking, but not yet broken.

*Flower5* Verse Three, if fears are left unspoken, what are the words that won't touch? Why is the loving heart divided,and if it is loving and untouched by words, it shouldn't be divided. Will what remain unbroken, the heart, or the relationship?

*Flower5* Verse Four,Five and Six, they, had such lovely images, but they did not make sense to me. "Awash in quiet lonesome
on a melancholy night" &

"when silent air is pierced,
unexpected
comes a word"

Beautiful,but I could not get the sequence of events any longer. It would be the return that was unexpected, so I guess the word was to say "I'm coming home."? But no, the last verse implies something else. Why would asking for time imply tears and sorrow? Who is saying the last line ,(which is simply too touching for words, and a fine play on the words "like there is no tommorrow".), the one who left, or the one left behind?

*Flower5* I know I am rather slow on the uptake, at least at this moment; but the entire poem had so much eloquence and beauty I just would like to understand it in its entirety.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


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Review of Eleana  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

*Flower5* The Title:

*Flower5* The Beginning: The first paragraph had a couple of inconsistencies which put me 'off' a little. The first lines should be impeccable. Revise and edit, polish and perfect, until your hook is baited just right; drawing the reader relentlessly, further into the story.

*Flower5* The Setting: The woods are delineated well, the memories of her past house, the town are adequate enough for the story's needs.

*Flower5* The Characters: The best part came in the end, I loved the interaction between the dragon siblings. Well done.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Eleana is well described as are most of the other characters. The slight difference in dialect between eleana's speech and the old lady in the town, gave the flavour of traveling to unkown places.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Good imagination, some magic, not much, but enough to give it the air of fantasy. The dragons add a nice touch.

*Flower5* What I liked: I like it that the dragons are not villains, seeing the humane ('humane', not 'human'; they're inhumane) side of any large carnivore is unusual.

*Flower5* Suggestions: There are many typos/errors, I'll mention a few...
"Still Eleana drudged on, hopelessly unsure of where she was headed" I think the correct word would be 'trudged'. A 'drudge' is a menial or worker.

"At one point she practically flipped onto her face as she stubbed her toe on a rock then fell over a low lying branch." To flip would imply turning over, falling forward onto one's face does not seem consistent with that description.
"The woods had plenty of vines to trip over and undergrowth to dense to hallow out and crawl under" 'too dense to hollow'

You use the word 'lay' often, where most would use 'lie', as in 'lie down'. I do believe it is acceptable, but it is unusual. Do consider if you would want people hesitating at that word.

"Rubbed the sleep from her eyes, she gazed out at the horrible site that was in front of her" 'Rubbing'

"There was so much blood it ram in rivers " 'ran'

"Dragons were not known for there liking of humans " 'Their'. This happens often to me too, and spell-check sure does not help, passing it by blithely. Only repeated reading of the piece can help.

"It was her fault it had to be, they had hidden her for the last ten years from Luiniana." I think a comma after 'fault' is required. Comma placement is not my strong point, but the mind naturally pauses at that point.

"it's aged and untidy exterior" 'Its' is the possessive term; 'it's' becomes 'it is' when expanded, and should be used to say only that.

"The blanket was died green and was priced at five pieces" 'dyed' means coloured with dyes, the other has an altogether different meaning.

Some sentences need re-phrasin, they are confusing at present.
"A store on the corner of the main beaten path and the first one that crossed it looked promising" Maybe "There was a store that looked promising at the corner of the first crossroad."?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Amends  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is part of the Three of hearts*Heart**Heart**Heart* review frenzy.

*Flower5* The Title: Short and sweet. Suggestive enough to entice the reader to peruse the story.

*Flower5* The Beginning: What a crackerjack first sentence! One of the best opening lines I have come across. Wonderful to call the burger a five napkin one, instead of a whopper.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting is not detailed but you show us a few pencil lines of description, we can fill in the rest ourselves. I did not regret the lack, since the characters are brought to larger-than-life proportions and the rest is not missed.

*Flower5* The Characters: Well done, Sonny and his uncle really live. (Amazing for a ghost, huh?)

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The descriptions are adequate for the story, the dialogue between Sonny and his uncle being so gripping, and the action and story flow so smooth, that the lack of imagery is not regretted.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I just loved the inventive directions taken by the story. However, you do not mention if they ever 'found' the body. So as to give 'closure' to that part of the story.

*Flower5* What I liked: The uncle/nephew relationship and interaction.

*Flower5* Suggestions: A few typos/errors-

"I made on honest living I'll have you kno-" Is that 'an' honest living? If you must have the old man break off mid-word, choose a word where the omission of the last letter(s) would make a difference in the sound. 'Kno' & 'Know' are the same in sound. How about continuing on to "young feller" and break off at 'youn-' or 'fell-'?

"Hey, at least you got the element of surprise. You'll be fine. Sonny didn't find his uncle too comforting." You should probably stop the italicization after the second sentence, at 'fine'.

This particular error is insiduous, and found in many items, including my own. The best way to avoid it is to use both forms and see which fits. Expand the abbreviated/apostrophe-d form before use. Then is that is the correct form, contract it by using the apostrophe. What am I talking about? Its confusions between its/it's your/you're, there/they're etc, etc.

"You know, your starting to sound a lot like Goodrich" You are, i.e. you're.

"keeping a fir grip on his crowbar." firm.

"Sonny was passed caring, however" past.

"Apparently you have Gout syndrome now, so I wouldn't be expecting any beef while your here.”" Gout is not a syndrome. It is sufficient to say "You have Gout."

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008
This is review 10 of 10.

*Flower5* I admit I searched for a fitting note, upon which to end my reviews. This charming poem caught my eye because of the intro. I agree completely with the sentiment expressed.

*Flower5* You transport us into your memories. montmarte comes to life in front of us. I picked out this line to commend, but it had a hst of equally deserving companions.
"The tawdry, the garish, the provocative:
defined a way to live, and more, subjects to immortalize."

*Flower5* After wandering umpteen miles through the delightful garden that is your portfolio, one flaw caught my eye. There may be others, I do not know or care, feating on the myriad colours and scents.
"the Eiffle Tower" Eiffel?

*Flower5* In this delicate journey to the past, to Paris and Montmarte, the solloquial 'mosey' stood out like a country bumpkin at a formal ball.

*Flower5* "It truly isn't the destination
that is important,
but the journey" It truly is, because this journey has been so pleasant for me, it matters not that I have reached the detination; I shall undertake the journey a million times again, in memory. Thanks for allowing me to wander through your garden.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


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