\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://p15.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jyo_an/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/24
Review Requests: ON
2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
Previous ... 20 21 22 23 -24- 25 26 ... Next
576
576
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)


*Flower5* As deft and entertaining as the previous chapter. This one had me hurrying through it a little bit as nothing much seemd to 'happen', but 'twas the promise in the earlier chapter that made me impatient.

*Flower5* Excellent language as usual. You have set the bar high for yourself and will have to live up to it.

*Flower5* I did not understand the allusion to 'destiny twins', it seemed sort of out of place to me.

*Flower5* Personally I do not like relationships where the balance of power is so obviously tilted, but your story interests me for all that. I consider that a tribute to your word skills.

*Flower5*I'm waiting impatiently for more.


Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1363771 Unavailable **
577
577
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)


*Flower5* The descriptions, the setting, the direction the story is taking, everything reminds me of a 'Mills and Boon' type of tale. Yet I enjoyed reading it. You have a rare talent for making the ordinary interesting.

*Flower5* The language and descriptions were compelling and your command of the language is readily apparent.

*Flower5* I even learnt a new word 'depreciatively'. I am not too sure that its use is appropriate in that particular sentence.

*Flower5* I'd definitely want to see where this tale goes. I liked the allusion to Cindrella as unlikely comparision.

*Flower5* Good work, write on.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1363771 Unavailable **
578
578
Review of TOO COCKY BY HALF  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


*Flower5* This is a prize winner by any standards. Clever and full of apt allusions.

*Flower5* I love the double meaning in the title. Your Major seems a real 'character'.

*Flower5* The explanation of how a cockatoo can prevent attacks of...what was it?...Ah yes, Renovati repeatus was entertaining to the last word.

*Flower5* Some brilliant imagery here, I could picture the whole scenario and found myself wincing at the racket. You have a talent for description.

*Flower5* Rather redundant to say it, but I liked this very, very much.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1358690 Unavailable **
579
579
Review of Hollow Echoes  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* I loved the sound of the title which had vivid imagery in itself.

*Flower5* I think the short intro helped me to understand the feelings you try to depict in the poem, and I feel you have done an excellent job of conveying conflicting emotion, the problem and its resolution. All within the space of a few lines.

*Flower5* The adherence to rhyme is exemplary and I like the use of enjambment. The meter is a litlle ragged though. However the poem itself flows so well one can overlook this.

*Flower5* My favourite lines -
"A blank canvas in need of coloured glory;
untrodden snow awaiting my first tread"

*Flower5* I do hope there are resounding peals of joy in your life now.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1358690 Unavailable **
580
580
Review of The Egg Rule  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)


*Flower5* I liked this story told from the POV of child logic. A rather naughty child who fully derserved the rebuke for extra-smartness.

*Flower5* Short but complete, just as an egg is so nutritionally rich. I loved the "egg rule"

*Flower5* I wish I knew the age of the narrator or some rough idea of approxiamtely how precocious this child is for its age. A tad of description of the mother and why she needed the child's help would take this piece to dizzying heights.

*Flower5* The font and colour are an excellent choice and make it easy on the eyes. I like the punchline in a different colour but-
"I must report she found little humor this." Is there an "in" missing between 'humour' and 'this'?

*Flower5* Deft and expert tale telling that stands out in its very simplicity of style. Good job.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
581
581
Rated: E | (4.0)


*Flower5* "Unforced errors and homerun slams usually
Determine the winner." There is a hint of mixed metaphor here - "unforced errord" can be extended to table tennis as well as lawn tennis, but "home runs" are pure baseball.

*Flower5* I like the analogy and you have definitely expanded it well.

*Flower5* In free verse there is nothing to be said about rhyme or meter, but given that you have this incredible flexibility then, in choice of words, length of line, and breaks or puctuation; why not attempt simile and metaphor beyond and above the usual?

*Flower5* I liked both the beginning and the ending in terms of meaning.

*Flower5* Cultivate your talent and you will shine jewel bright.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1358690 Unavailable **
582
582
Review of Per Diventare Due  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
You asked for a thorough check for 'tense' and 'person' mistakes. Forgive me, but I'd suggest you omit that part. It almost seems as though you are looking for someone to edit your work. Anybody doing an in-depth critique at your request will point them out anyway, unless they are too numerous.

*Flower5* A few errors : The second sentence is in the present tense but if you put it in italics it can still 'work'.
"She put the tea kettle on, turns the stove on high" 'and turned'
"A plastic bag danced across the shimmering pavement, reminding her Mrs. Inez describing the dance of "The Red Shoes".
" I think it should be 'reminding her of Mrs. Inez describing...'
But that's a unique description there, I love it.
"Blanche was an old friend of hers, one she turns to when" 'turned to'. Blanche is referred to as Blanch once or twice, a typo perhaps.
There are other errors, but you can catch them easily yourself. Detailing them here would not be correct.

*Flower5* Your descriptions are lovely and I can picture both the characters, and the action easily. For example the bit about the glasses steaming up because of the whistling tea kettle.

*Flower5* Some use of long and slightly confusing sentences. For example -
"She walks down the stairs with Stella towards Stanley until she takes his head in her heads and he begs her to never leave him, instead of here, in the delapidated rental with leaky windows and bleach stains on the carpet" Try making it into two or three shorter sentences. "She seemed to be floating the the stairs with Stella. As she went toward Stanley and cradled his head in her arms he begged her,in a trembling plea, never to leave him . It was more pleasant than being here in the dilapidated rental with leaky windows and bleach stains on the carpet" This is just a suggestion, feel free to retain what you have, the construction is your personal vision.

*Flower5* The story holds great promise and the characters are introduced well. The development is taut in parts, the others just need a little tightening. The characters need to be distinct from each other.

*Flower5* This has a lot of scope and you should definitely take it further. I'd be delighted to read later instalments.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1358690 Unavailable **
583
583
Review of Driftwood  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


*Flower5* I do not know the caliber of the other entries, but this tale is outstanding enough to have taken the prize in any bunch.

*Flower5* How deftly you have painted the tale, the feeling of bereavment, the concern of the children, the wonderful spirit of the old lady who still has spark of humour to call the dog 'Shadow'.

*Flower5* Marvelous job of binding the reader into the story

*Flower5* I found myself silently applauding the ending. Oh, just every part of this was perfect, including the title.

*Flower5* Hope to peep into your port to glimpse more.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1358425 Unavailable **

** Image ID #1358690 Unavailable **

** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
584
584
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* This was the gentle chuckle kind of funny, that makes one re-read the lines to exclaim its resemblance to one's own experience. Good Job

*Flower5* I personally prefer not to use numerals when I'm writing, spelling out the word instead, but that's entirely your choice. My suggestion is with regard to the spacing - keep it consistent, 3 for 2 or 3for2, (though I'd perfer the former, treating the numerals as though they were words), instead of varying it through the piece.

*Flower5* Three cheers for Granny's choice, a feisty old lady isn't she?

*Flower5* What about guys who have no access to personal shoppers? What's your advice for them, or should they just sweat it out?

*Flower5* I had an enjoyable read. Write on.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1358425 Unavailable **

** Image ID #1358690 Unavailable **

** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
585
585
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* The style is faithful to the telling of traditional fairy stories.

*Flower5* The appeal to younger readers is a given and there's a wee bit of "moral" in it too. Help your Mum and Dad, do good to others, be obedient and you will get your wish. ( And maybe even be careful for you wish for, and cherish what you get.) Good job.

*Flower5* Appealing children and the bit about their throwing stones in the brook made them 'come alive'. I'd have liked a wee bit more description of the kids though.

*Flower5* A faint hint of satire or irony runs through the piece elevating it above the ordinary. (For example Poppet helps Mum but Teddy "sometimes helps his Mum".)

*Flower5* I enjoyed myself.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1358425 Unavailable **

** Image ID #1358690 Unavailable **

** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
586
586
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* It takes talent to write a humourous piece without offence and in my opinion you've nailed it. Good balancing act.

*Flower5* I liked the little vignettes of each priest that endeared them to the reader instantly. The characters were deftly sketched.

*Flower5* The action and dialogue unfolded naturally and there was no zig-zagging required to make sense of the story.

*Flower5* I like your wry sense of humour and if you have more of these tucked in your port you'll find me a regular visitor.

*Flower5* Well Done.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1358425 Unavailable **

** Image ID #1358690 Unavailable **

** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
587
587
Review of 52 Candles  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Succint Title, sums up the poem perfectly

*Flower5* Excellent shifts of mood from the reminescent to the sad and back and forth.

*Flower5* I certainly did not anticipate the turn in the end, well done.

*Flower5* The words are very simple and yet they pull strongly upon the emotions.

*Flower5* The mind's eye finds it easy to imagine the picture you paint with your words.

*Flower5* Kudos

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1358425 Unavailable **

** Image ID #1358690 Unavailable **
588
588
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


*Flower5* Title that draws one in due to its repetitive sounds and alliteration. Like Jack and Jill.

*Flower5* I now have two more names to add to my bag. I found Rigoberto, the equivalent of Herbert in English and it means 'valiant warrior', but from where does Ratoncito come?

*Flower5* The 'setting' is well described, the story well laid out, and then it suddenly ends. It left me a litlle bewidered, to say the least. Perhaps it is part of a larger piece? I notice you call it fiction, not a short story so prehaps the usual rules of beginning middle and end, or of problem and resolution do not hold sway here.

*Flower5* Your choice of font and format makes it very easy on the eye, and allows one to scan the item easily.

*Flower5* My favourite lines "Hip to hip, they watched the headlights of the car scour the gravel driveway"*Flower5* May I say I enjoyed this so much, I wished I could read more about the characters as you develop the story? Rigoberto for sure came alive in front of my eyes.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **

** Image ID #1358425 Unavailable **

** Image ID #1358690 Unavailable **


589
589
Review of Just Like Him  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


*Flower5* The Title is the first thing I notice about a story, so your title gave away part of the development to me,but the anticipation merely heightened my appreciation.

*Flower5* The setting of the story, especially the first paragraph, was excellent. The first paragraph is the next thing that impacts upon my mind while reading, and pretty powerful it was!

*Flower5* I could 'see' the characters easily, including Melissa and Rob who are just 'incidental' to the story. That kind of deft creation of 'people' takes skill.

*Flower5* Lastly, I have a weakness for a 'twist in the tail'. Your tale did not disappoint me!

*Flower5* Kudos!

** Image ID #1356601 Unavailable **

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1302036 Unavailable **

** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **


590
590
Review of It Was So Hard  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I had a tough time navigating this port, it was decorated with so many ribbons! I wandered around and found a piece that "spoke" to me!

*Flower5* Simply poignant and poignantly simple! Very well told in words that flow straight from ( and to!) the heart.

*Flower5* Yes, support in moments of bereavment is worth more than all the other times one is 'there'.

*Flower5* The reaction of children to loss, the deep kinship they have for their friends, and the unexplained cruelty of their peers, all well described.

*Flower5* Just a few typos in the piece, they take nothing away from the beauty of it, just a mention so that you can change them as you please.

"oridinary" ordinary
"classmates Dad" classmate's Dad
"site that's hard to forget"sight
"thier"their
"would'nt"wouldn't
"3"three

*Flower5* Your writing is devoid of pretention and comes from within you, effortlessly. Good work.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1302036 Unavailable **

** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
591
591
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


*Flower5* You have the gift of the gab! I was chuckling at the descriptions throughout! The sense of humour in the lines is right off the charts!

*Flower5* You have some great metaphor and simile in your piece, but in the line below, I feel there is a problem of continuity of subject,
"This descended upon me earlier, and came clanging through my brain like the Liberty Bell just before I picked up the phone to call my boyfriend" Either place a comma or semi-colon after Liberty Bell, or re-phrase the sentence slightly. "This descended upon me earlier, just before I picked up the phone to call my boyfriend; it came clanging through my mind like the Liberty Bell". Just a suggestion, it's your call entirely.

*Flower5* Loved the alliterative description in these lines:
"I decided in all my tainted, tar-tinted wisdom to not bring the innocent into my personal hell"

*Flower5* Unusual choice of central theme, executed with flair!

*Flower5* May you live happily ever after, with the publishers knocking on your door!

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1289363 Unavailable **
** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
592
592
Review of No Ho Ho Here  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


*Flower5* Alliterative and intriguing title.

*Flower5* I appreciate the difficulty of the prompt. A fitting response to the challenge.

*Flower5* I love the undercurrent of humour and the "natural" interaction between the characters.

*Flower5* Excellent dialogue. I love the descriptions too.
This was my favourite:
"The man shuddered, dreading the rest of the Honey-Do list waiting for him. He would much rather be out kissing babies and groveling for votes. Head hanging down, he already was thinking of the litany of chores his wife had for him."

*Flower5* There are no 'edit' errors, and I do not think this could be improved by any suggestion of mine.


Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
593
593
Review of Scooba Dooba Do  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


*Flower5* Scooba did it! Made me let out a crack of laughter, that is. Just the way I like to begin my day.

*Flower5* I was a little confused at first, because you talked to Scooba and that personified the image. But once I got "into" the story I was laughing throughout.

*Flower5* You have a gift for description, one can picture the cats so clearly. Loved this part.
"Slipping and sliding rather ungracefully across the slippery kitchen floor, I ended up on my knees next to the circling Scooba. Inches away from my face was a panicking cat being sucked, section by furry section, through the robot’s brush until only rapidly twitching ears could be seen. With one final burp, Scooba finished digesting what she’d found on the floor."

*Flower5* A difficult prompt, one that demands Sci-fi or fantasy, and yet you have placed it so deftly in the real world.

*Flower5* Kudos for a difficult job well done.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
594
594
Review of Dark Eye  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


*Flower5* Very representative of its genre. Sci-fi, but nothing earth-shattering, figuratively speaking.

*Flower5* Action is tight and 'flows' well. Just one query, why guns in a sci-fi story? Try laser throwers, ultra-beam knives, whatever, think outside the box!

*Flower5* The problem and resolution again, very clear but predictable.

*Flower5* Good character descriptions

*Flower5* Just throw in a twist, some unexpected turn and you have a winner here.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
595
595
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


*Flower5* I like the simplicity of the title.

*Flower5* The first and last verses make effective refrain verses

*Flower5* A few minor details.
'I' is not capitalized in one place, is that deliberate?

*Flower5* 'Its' used instead of 'it's'. A quick re-read will catch it.

*Flower5* 'three' written as 'thre'

*Flower5* I'd have placed commas in certain places to improve the reader's understanding, but this lack of punctuation can be taken as part of your 'style'

*Flower5* The fourth step would be the "tough one". So simple a step, it's difficult to follow. Nice going!


Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
596
596
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a pleasant end to my day! I was being a bit choosy about the last review I did today and wanted to write about a piece-de-resistance!

*Flower5* There's humour in it and a profound message too!

*Flower5* There's a problem and there's a resolution.

*Flower5* Oh, what beatiful lines
"We've taken for granted our comfortable place.
God wants us moving and sharing His grace"

*Flower5* I am not going to talk about rhyme or meter, this is beyond that.

*Flower5* Thank-you for this sharing little delicacy.



Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
597
597
Rated: E | (4.0)

*Flower5* I liked this simple little story. The description of the orchard, the apples, were excellent

*Flower5* The little boy idolising and imitating his grandfather, and the older man deciding to allow his grandchild free rein in his artistic endeavours, great!


*Flower5* "Here boy, have and apple." an


*Flower5* "Without understanding kept pace (along side,) while strolling through the wine-apple orchard" Slightly awkward construction and unnecessary usage of bracket. Might I suggest something like " Not quite understanding the mumbled words, he strolled through the orchards careful to keep pace with his grandfather.

*Flower5* "good look'n" If the apostophe replaces one missing letter, what happened to the ending 'g'? The common form would be lookin'.

*Flower5* Some excellent imagery. One of my favourite ones - "into the sun which climbed steadily into the sky, cleaving a path over the trees, on its way to deliver the day"

*Flower5* A couple of missing commas, a full stop instead of an ellipsis, etc. You can catch 'em easily on a read through for edit purpose only. I mention a couple here:
"He'd warn him, "'"Words placed to page had often condemned the writer by binding the author with their meaning." Misplaced Quotation marks.& "His questions mounted quickly one by one until." Replace the full stop with an ellipsis

*Flower5* Heart warming story.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
598
598
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* Great choice of topic, lucidly covered.

*Flower5* "Recognize your child for the individual that they are" . There seems some singular/plural confusion in this sentence. Recognize your children for the individuals that they are?

*Flower5* I think you make very pertinent points here. The one that stands out best is "Pick your battles". Having brought two kids through the rebellious teen years I totally agree with this one.

*Flower5* I loved the advice for fractured families too. In the best of all worlds, that's the way to tackle it. I'd just add that if you can't work together amicably, then at least do not cloud any happy memories the kids may have of the other parent, with your negative input. Happy memories are a safety net.

*Flower5* Kudos on a tough subject tackled well.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
599
599
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


*Flower5* The theme chosen is bold and definitely tackled sensitively. I'd prefer a more provocative title. I mean one that provokes interest in the piece. This is apt enough though.

*Flower5* Some edit required. You can do your own 'sweep', just a couple of examples. 4th line: The word should be 'not' (no). 9th paragraph, 1st line: I think the word is 'mean'(man). In one place you have "sissy's" where I think you mean sissies.

*Flower5* I'm presuming this is part of a larger peice? Because you definitely caught my eye and mind, and then left me hanging there.

*Flower5* The reasons for the confusion well shown, and given that this is a brief piece, the tiny flash-back is well done.

*Flower5* A little description of the two characters wouldn't hurt.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
600
600
Review of Ambidextrous  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

*Flower5* I liked this story immensely. I'm not going to qualify that statement in any way, so as to keep its sucker-punch hidden. Great work!

*Flower5* The characters were well developed, the action flowed naturally.

*Flower5* "For Paul, honestly reveled disdain." I'm sorry, I could not understand this line.

*Flower5* All in all an enjoyable read.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
640 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 26 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://p15.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jyo_an/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/24