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2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
Previous ... 20 21 22 23 -24- 25 26 27 ... Next
576
576
Rated: ASR | (5.0)


*Flower5* This is a very moving tale, and it is emotional without becoming 'mushy'. I confess I did not see the end coming until I was well into the story.

*Flower5* Of course, you have the tecnical details down pat. It goes with the character of the narrator, a doctor, to be technical in the story.

*Flower5* Just one little hiccup I had, it was over the word 'lucent'.
"After Natie had become lucent, both of us held her tiny hands in ours and laughed to hide our sorrow." Do you mean 'lucid'? The words have some overlap of meaning but I feel 'lucid' is the mot juste here. One more idea that popped into my mind, why not use icecream made with a sugar subsitute, the so called 'diabetic' preparation? It's been around in India commercially for a year or so, and people have been making such items at home since ages! It takes nothing away from the loving giving in to her demand, if the mother were to prepare it herself and put it in a cup of a known brand after scooping out its contents.

*Flower5* Oh, I love the title! Perfect, arousing curiosity and the later demostrating its apt usage.

*Flower5* I agree with Anood here, a perfect example of an emotional tale. A well deserved tribute.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
577
577
Review of The Hardest Part  
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* Well chosen title and wonderful premise and idea. I can't tell you how much I empathised with what you said, and said eloquently too.

*Flower5* The two parts of the poem complement each other and the ending line is superb. You finished it on just the right note.

*Flower5* The repetitive rhythm from your sentence choices worked for me, it was almost singing in my mind. With the idea and development of the poem , rhyme or rhythm (meter) would be a hard task indeed, and might change the poem considerably. This is an effective poem, just as it is.

*Flower5* I notice you are new to the site, this piece shows you are not new to writing. Sure command of words.

*Flower5* Welcome. Hope you have a wonderful time here.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
578
578
Review of As I Wait  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


*Flower5* What do I think? I think you are a welcome addition to our community. I also think this is a powerful piece. Considering the subject however, you might want to re-think the 'E' rating.

*Flower5* Another point I had was that it is never acceptable to leave children feeling they share in the guilt of such an incident. Even though that is often a common reaction, emotionally. Perhaps changing the rating to 18+ will solve that problem.

*Flower5* It is short but chilling in its effect. I can understand why you leave the item type and genre as "other", it does not fit easily into any given slot. But remember, leaving it that way will prevent it from appearing on 'searches'.

*Flower5* Last, but not least, the title was aptly chosen. You show rare talent, write on.



Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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579
579
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* The Title said a lot to me. As a mother I could appreciate the sentiments.

*Flower5* I wasn't sure where the story was going and the latter half came as a complete surprise. Your way of relating the events was effective.

*Flower5* The description and characters were well done too, with enough detail for mental images to form.

*Flower5* "Going through the gates, she stopped where a guard asks for Identification" Either 'she stopped where a guard asked ' or 'she stops where a guard asks'. No capital for 'identification', but ID is okay.

"After parking, another guard office watched while her purse is searched" Try changing passive voice to active for more impact. 'After she parked, she had to endure the bored gaze of another guard as he rummaged through her purse'

*Flower5* Powerful tale and it tugs at one's heartstrings. Well done.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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580
580
Review of Running  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


*Flower5* The Beginning: Great title, the pace suggested in the title itself. Excellent first paragraph, it drew me in to the story like a fish on a hook.

*Flower5* The Setting: This was well done, the weather, the trail, rose up in the mind's eye.

*Flower5* The Characters: Almost a one character sotry, and the detailing is down with a few sure strokes.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: When the character, the setting fall into place it follows that the descriptions must have been taut and effective. They were. For exxample this line, it set the whole story...
"Her jogging shoes made almost no sound as they floated over the wooded trail, while her visible breath shot forth in rhythmic intervals, coinciding with her footfalls."

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I see that this is part of a larger piece and this is just the teaser. It is however almost capable of being a 'stand alone' piece.

*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the hints of story here, yet there was a problem a conflict and a resolution. Well done.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Absolutely none, I like this just the way it is.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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581
581
Rated: E | (4.0)


*Flower5* I wish your poll had more options, or that at least we were given the option of disagreeing without saying someone was "off their rocker' to think otherwise.

*Flower5* The only reason I disagree with your choice, is that black is so often used as a symbol of protest and/or mourning that an award in that colour is self-defeating.

*Flower5* Of course, you have a right to choose to like or want anything in the world and I support your right to free choice. Just that if I were given a choice I'd not opt for black. But that's not what we were asked to vote for, was it?

*Flower5* Will the support help in any way, towards your gaining your heart's desire?

*Flower5* But, for showing me that polls can be fun too, thanks.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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582
582
Rated: ASR | (4.5)


*Flower5* The topic immediately aroused my interest. I have often suffered from a bad case of lowratitis and once or twice harshreviewitis. It's not that I mind the criticism, it's that I do not know 'why'. In some cases there will be a short bewildering review like 'full of errors' or 'just does not grip' without anything to explain. It takes me a couple of days to shake those off.

*Flower5* Well expressed sentiments without being hurtful or mean yourself. You've done it in a gently humourous way too, good going.

*Flower5* I noticed your pretty ribbon, glad this is lauded for all to note.

*Flower5* Just one little query, is it 'measely' or 'measly' when indicating a meager or ungenerous amount?

*Flower5* Kudos.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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583
583
Review of Chiseling Teacups  
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* You make your point very effectively. The images are good, and the metaphor an excellent choice.

*Flower5* I do not know if you are supposed to attempt rhyme and rhythn for this piece. It is beautful in itself, but rhyme and meter add glitter.

*Flower5* The message is powerfully depicted, and I like the choice of a porcelain teacup to signify one's brittle fears.

*Flower5* I'm just one reader, and it is probably not much use to you to tell you I liked the piece. But, that's the only comment I have, any suggestions would ruin the metaphor, and there are no obvious errors.



Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
584
584
Review of Love Song  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)


*Flower5* I'm impressed by your versatility. This is a great, nay, magnificent poem, for a seasoned poet even; let alone for a a writer making a first attempt at poetry.

*Flower5* Wow! Anapestic tetrameter huh? Thanks for spelling out the requirements, I might have guessed the wrong syllable count otherwise. I tremble at iambic pentameter, and you brought this off, with no signs of effort.

*Flower5* The Meter is impeccable and the rhyme nearly perfect, my only query arising with the word 'tableaux'. My French is virtually non-existent, so I'll bow to your assumption of the word's pronunciation but the eye jiggered a bit at that point.

*Flower5* The poem is moving and heartfelt, and the last line crowns the whole piece. I don't think anybody would crib about that particualr poetice licence.

*Flower5* I'm giving you a standing ovation, but alas, you can't see that. So, I'll let the rating speak for me.


Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
585
585
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


*Flower5* The Beginning: Firstly the title, suggestive and promises a fantasy. The first sentence had two unusual and appealing names securing our attention for an other-worldly experience and our affection for the protagonists

*Flower5* The Setting: The opulence and decay suggested the waning of one way of life and the rise of another. Enough description without a deluge of information, leaving something to expectation and imagination. I appreciated it.

*Flower5* The Characters: The determination of one sister, the innocence of the other and finally the power of the third, all well delineated.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: There is enough physical description to have an image form of each sister. The magic and power are introduced deftly and we are kept hungry for more information. Good job.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: This is just the teaser, the trailer of the movie. It 'sets' the mood for the coming saga. It is a job well done.

*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the way the world was transformed into a fantasy with just a few changes from the ordinary. Sibling rivalry and power struggle is recognizable enough to generate strong interest in the continuing events.

*Flower5* Suggestions: No suggestions, the tale is taut and smoothly told, there is resolution and yet expectation at the end of this chapter. Well done.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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586
586
Review of Listen  
Rated: E | (3.5)


*Flower5* The title is stark and knocks at your attention. I expected a hard hitting philosophical poem. I was not disappointed to get something a little different, but attractive in its own way.

*Flower5* Abstract painting and free verse actually take immense talent, it is sometimes easier to follow rules of format.

*Flower5* I found an inherent cadence in this, probably because of the repeated words like "Hear" and "listen". But what are tomorrow's echoes? Can you hear something that hasn't happened, or do you dream of them, tomorrow echoing today? That was the only hiccup, all the other images were smooth. Try for little 'out-of-the-box' imagery here, 'a calm or dark night, 'bid farewell to worry', all tried and tested images.

*Flower5* It would be easy to rearrange this to rhyme, night/sight, late/fate, falls/walls. Rhythm too would not be difficult, most lines have seven or eight syllables, some six. If you decide to go that route it might take a new look altogether. It is up to you to decide which you prefer.

*Flower5* It is easy on the ear and might actually sound good with music. And the last two lines are excellent
"Listen, someone sings
To you beneath the walls."

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
587
587
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)


*Flower5* I relish the idea of reading any of your writings. The tale of this was rather suggestive of a mushy romance story but I knew I would get something over and beyond just that.

*Flower5* The beginning was deft and the unfolding of the story was smooth. The description of the setting gave us a picture to imagine and the characters bacame real too...how can this end, how does she stop the wedding?

*Flower5* The Twist I expected came along and I relaxed, then you hit me with another from left center! Great stuff.

*Flower5* I was left satiated and impressed.

*Flower5* Remember, I am already an admirer and expected great things, you still surpassed expectation.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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588
588
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


*Flower5* Oh, boy! What a perfect piece to read. You must be a mind reader, because I found in this everything I look for in any read.

*Flower5* Impeccable language. There were absolutely no grammatical errors, typos or other manifestations of the typist's devil. ( A more virulent relative of the printer's devil)

*Flower5* Inspired word wizardry. Lines such as - "These darling daughters suddenly convert to shrew-like emotional lightning rods of high maintenance terrorists overnight, unbeknownst to the parents who headed off to bed following an evening of warm, fuzzy, family time and a game of Mille Bornes." had me drawing a breath of pure awe as the image crystallized in front of me.

*Flower5* The wisdom of years of experience spoke soft counsel. Thanks for the tips, though here in India children tend to stay in the parental home infinitely. We like it that way, put it down to the heat addling our brains.

*Flower5* I bow before you, maestro.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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589
589
Review of Imprints  
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* Another compelling and apt title. I enjoyed the title as much as the poem. A lot of thought goes into judicous selection of a title and I love yours.

*Flower5* Obviously, there are few rules in free verse, except for the natural 'feel'. The breaks and lines come naturally here, and the poem 'flows' well. Good job.

*Flower5* Again, you have chosen to show us a side of ourselves that we rarely care to examine. Kudos.

*Flower5* Brilliant last line, you end it in a blaze of words that will imprint themselves upon my mind.

*Flower5* I enjoyed reading this thought provoking piece.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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590
590
Review of The Vhool'Rael  
Rated: E | (4.0)


*Flower5* First paragraphs and first sentences must be compelling and flawless. I found myself floudering a bit here not unlike Trystane! What is a 'lightless bog'? If the bog is murky would that not be a tautology? The animals are described as sightless, the lichen is too, and such paucity of adjectives in close proximity is not advisable.

*Flower5* Format. In this piece, there is a slight confusion as to the beginning of a new paragraph. This arises when the last sentence in a paragraph ends near the right edge of the page. Might I suggest both a line space between paragraphs, and an indent of the beginning of the para, as measures to clarify the issue?

*Flower5* The storyline is iineresting and has promise. I love the use of words like 'lycantrope' and 'adamantine' and 'obsidian'. It adds a flavour of the 'other world'. I just wonder if some explanation of the general meaning or a reference that enlightens readers might not be helpful.

*Flower5* Excellent creation of atmosphere. I loved your choice of names. Vhool'Rael is out the world, literaly.

*Flower5* Write on, friend. I for one will promise to read on.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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591
591
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)


*Flower5* OK. I promise to keep quiet about your writing until I have been through the whole book. Because frankly there is nothing new to say.

*Flower5* You amaze me, you really do. The turn of events is predictable and yet you keep my interest firmly in the story.

*Flower5* Your descriptions and language are your usual deft standard.

*Flower5* No errors of syntax/grammar or even typos. Good going. It's nice to see effort, it makes the piece shine.

*Flower5* So what more can I say? Except Write on.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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592
592
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)


*Flower5* As deft and entertaining as the previous chapter. This one had me hurrying through it a little bit as nothing much seemd to 'happen', but 'twas the promise in the earlier chapter that made me impatient.

*Flower5* Excellent language as usual. You have set the bar high for yourself and will have to live up to it.

*Flower5* I did not understand the allusion to 'destiny twins', it seemed sort of out of place to me.

*Flower5* Personally I do not like relationships where the balance of power is so obviously tilted, but your story interests me for all that. I consider that a tribute to your word skills.

*Flower5*I'm waiting impatiently for more.


Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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593
593
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)


*Flower5* The descriptions, the setting, the direction the story is taking, everything reminds me of a 'Mills and Boon' type of tale. Yet I enjoyed reading it. You have a rare talent for making the ordinary interesting.

*Flower5* The language and descriptions were compelling and your command of the language is readily apparent.

*Flower5* I even learnt a new word 'depreciatively'. I am not too sure that its use is appropriate in that particular sentence.

*Flower5* I'd definitely want to see where this tale goes. I liked the allusion to Cindrella as unlikely comparision.

*Flower5* Good work, write on.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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594
594
Review of TOO COCKY BY HALF  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


*Flower5* This is a prize winner by any standards. Clever and full of apt allusions.

*Flower5* I love the double meaning in the title. Your Major seems a real 'character'.

*Flower5* The explanation of how a cockatoo can prevent attacks of...what was it?...Ah yes, Renovati repeatus was entertaining to the last word.

*Flower5* Some brilliant imagery here, I could picture the whole scenario and found myself wincing at the racket. You have a talent for description.

*Flower5* Rather redundant to say it, but I liked this very, very much.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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595
595
Review of The Egg Rule  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)


*Flower5* I liked this story told from the POV of child logic. A rather naughty child who fully derserved the rebuke for extra-smartness.

*Flower5* Short but complete, just as an egg is so nutritionally rich. I loved the "egg rule"

*Flower5* I wish I knew the age of the narrator or some rough idea of approxiamtely how precocious this child is for its age. A tad of description of the mother and why she needed the child's help would take this piece to dizzying heights.

*Flower5* The font and colour are an excellent choice and make it easy on the eyes. I like the punchline in a different colour but-
"I must report she found little humor this." Is there an "in" missing between 'humour' and 'this'?

*Flower5* Deft and expert tale telling that stands out in its very simplicity of style. Good job.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
596
596
Rated: E | (4.0)


*Flower5* "Unforced errors and homerun slams usually
Determine the winner." There is a hint of mixed metaphor here - "unforced errord" can be extended to table tennis as well as lawn tennis, but "home runs" are pure baseball.

*Flower5* I like the analogy and you have definitely expanded it well.

*Flower5* In free verse there is nothing to be said about rhyme or meter, but given that you have this incredible flexibility then, in choice of words, length of line, and breaks or puctuation; why not attempt simile and metaphor beyond and above the usual?

*Flower5* I liked both the beginning and the ending in terms of meaning.

*Flower5* Cultivate your talent and you will shine jewel bright.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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597
597
Review of Per Diventare Due  
Rated: E | (4.0)
You asked for a thorough check for 'tense' and 'person' mistakes. Forgive me, but I'd suggest you omit that part. It almost seems as though you are looking for someone to edit your work. Anybody doing an in-depth critique at your request will point them out anyway, unless they are too numerous.

*Flower5* A few errors : The second sentence is in the present tense but if you put it in italics it can still 'work'.
"She put the tea kettle on, turns the stove on high" 'and turned'
"A plastic bag danced across the shimmering pavement, reminding her Mrs. Inez describing the dance of "The Red Shoes".
" I think it should be 'reminding her of Mrs. Inez describing...'
But that's a unique description there, I love it.
"Blanche was an old friend of hers, one she turns to when" 'turned to'. Blanche is referred to as Blanch once or twice, a typo perhaps.
There are other errors, but you can catch them easily yourself. Detailing them here would not be correct.

*Flower5* Your descriptions are lovely and I can picture both the characters, and the action easily. For example the bit about the glasses steaming up because of the whistling tea kettle.

*Flower5* Some use of long and slightly confusing sentences. For example -
"She walks down the stairs with Stella towards Stanley until she takes his head in her heads and he begs her to never leave him, instead of here, in the delapidated rental with leaky windows and bleach stains on the carpet" Try making it into two or three shorter sentences. "She seemed to be floating the the stairs with Stella. As she went toward Stanley and cradled his head in her arms he begged her,in a trembling plea, never to leave him . It was more pleasant than being here in the dilapidated rental with leaky windows and bleach stains on the carpet" This is just a suggestion, feel free to retain what you have, the construction is your personal vision.

*Flower5* The story holds great promise and the characters are introduced well. The development is taut in parts, the others just need a little tightening. The characters need to be distinct from each other.

*Flower5* This has a lot of scope and you should definitely take it further. I'd be delighted to read later instalments.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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598
598
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* This was the gentle chuckle kind of funny, that makes one re-read the lines to exclaim its resemblance to one's own experience. Good Job

*Flower5* I personally prefer not to use numerals when I'm writing, spelling out the word instead, but that's entirely your choice. My suggestion is with regard to the spacing - keep it consistent, 3 for 2 or 3for2, (though I'd perfer the former, treating the numerals as though they were words), instead of varying it through the piece.

*Flower5* Three cheers for Granny's choice, a feisty old lady isn't she?

*Flower5* What about guys who have no access to personal shoppers? What's your advice for them, or should they just sweat it out?

*Flower5* I had an enjoyable read. Write on.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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599
599
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* The style is faithful to the telling of traditional fairy stories.

*Flower5* The appeal to younger readers is a given and there's a wee bit of "moral" in it too. Help your Mum and Dad, do good to others, be obedient and you will get your wish. ( And maybe even be careful for you wish for, and cherish what you get.) Good job.

*Flower5* Appealing children and the bit about their throwing stones in the brook made them 'come alive'. I'd have liked a wee bit more description of the kids though.

*Flower5* A faint hint of satire or irony runs through the piece elevating it above the ordinary. (For example Poppet helps Mum but Teddy "sometimes helps his Mum".)

*Flower5* I enjoyed myself.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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600
600
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* It takes talent to write a humourous piece without offence and in my opinion you've nailed it. Good balancing act.

*Flower5* I liked the little vignettes of each priest that endeared them to the reader instantly. The characters were deftly sketched.

*Flower5* The action and dialogue unfolded naturally and there was no zig-zagging required to make sense of the story.

*Flower5* I like your wry sense of humour and if you have more of these tucked in your port you'll find me a regular visitor.

*Flower5* Well Done.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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