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2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
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551
Review of Still Fragile  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008
This is review 8 of 10

*Flower5* "It isn't you it's me." How true. Even in English class, (way back in the mists of time, at the beginning of my life) there were poets that I could instinctively grasp, and there those who needed the teacher's explanation for the inner beauty to be revealed. So I not the best of reviewers for your pieces. I speak only of what I found in it, and from it.

*Flower5* No complaints about the images and descriptions, the allusions to deeper meaning.
"A porcelain doll
Sat on a shelf-
High above the world below-
Safe:"
This is how one would remain aloof from Life, but as you rightly point out, one would not then have lived.

*Flower5* I traced the journey through relationships, one of which ended in a sad abandonment. Then there is another loving relationship, a quieter but more rewarding one that teaches the doll that life includes pain and loss.

*Flower5* It was the end I wasn't sure if I understood correctly? She has a loss, that her partner cannot prevent; but he can help her get through it. There is loss and pain outside their lives too, and they accept it as a part of natural events. Right? Or, not?

*Flower5* Anyway it was profound, and hauntingly beautiful.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


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Review of Fracturization  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008
This is review 7 of 10

*Flower5* Ah! here's a bite of something airy and light, something to offset, and set off, the heavy richness of the other offerings.

*Flower5* You said it. I was clapping right through the rant. It is something that irritates me too. In an otherwise well written and taut piece, to see these silly errors, breaks the mood of appreciation.

*Flower5* Loved the verse about 'their' coats over 'there' etc. etc. It reminded me of Dr. Seuss. Maybe adults need that type of book to teach 'em written English. 'Your' and 'you're' are commonly confused too,. I feel the best way to check if one has used the correct form is to chuck out the apostrophe by expanding the word, see if it fits, and then contract it again. Cumbersome, but infallible.

*Flower5* I am glad to see this side of you, It brings you down from the lofty heights of the maestro, the skilled poet, down to the rest of us mere mortals.

*Flower5* Delectable read.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


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553
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008
This is review 6 of 10

*Flower5* I am getting to learn about your writing style now. The thoughts flow straight from nerve impulse to paper, there is no restriction imposed by rhyme or meter.

*Flower5* The images are startling and impinge upon the reader's consciousness, and even conscience. They fall in staccato rhythm and march to a strange wild beat across the eye.

*Flower5* Some vivid images:
"Tangle of rusted wire snaked across the height,
venomous, insidious: the serpent danced with
swords of discontent"
&
"Overwhelming the barking and snapping of
Rotweilerian soldiers"

*Flower5* This one was easy to understand, it cleaved a path straight into my heart.

*Flower5* 'Morning ramble, lost, but unconcerned
in the losing' That's me, I'm rambling thru' your writing and I'm unconcerned that I'm out of my depth her. Your writing is levels beyond my comprehension at times, but there is always something in the beauty of the images evoked that I can take away with me.

This is not within my purview...In the intro for this section there is a mis-spelled word {'accont' for account). To keep this at the level of the contents of the folder, I'd suggest a correction.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


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Rated: E | (5.0)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008

This is review 5 of ten.

*Flower5* Visually appealing, as I notice most of your poems are. The choice of font is pefect for the images of summer.

*Flower5* It is a stroke of genius to bring in all the colour images of burnt toast, cinnamon and nutmeg, which not only suit the chosen title but the description of summer too. Wonderful.
"Hot, shriveling hot, days baked us clove brown
As nutmeg legs took us all over our mountain"

*Flower5* The images are sharp and stimulate all the senses, turn by tantalising turn. I loved these lines
"That’s what my Granny called them.
Seasons of sweetness, with just a touch of cinnamon"

*Flower5* Thank you for sharing these delighful moments with us. The poem is also a tribute to your grandmother and she lives in so many hearts, just as she lives in yours.

*Flower5* I rate this is at the top of my picks in your portfolio. I just forgot to think about rhyme or rhythm or grammar even and just let the words wash over me. Kudos.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008


*Flower5* Your forte is the quick deft assembly of a descriptive piece that faithfully follows the prompt while taking an unusual angle on the requirements. Superb job. Kudos.

*Flower5* You met the challenge head on and did not once mention 'birthday', while making it abundantly clear that it was a birthday celebration.

*Flower5* What a nice family, no recrimination and direction of blame, just a quiet belief in being able to get past problems together. Simple and yet inspiring.

*Flower5* As a mother I can definitely understand what the parents were going through watching their child cry desperate tears, but your description makes it succinctly clear even to those as yet unexposed to this facet of Life.
"Nothing came to mind, and they simply stood there, quietly wanting to cry in sympathy with her. "

*Flower5* This is Judity, doing what she does best, and her best is usually better than the rest!

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


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Review of A Gift for MCG  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008

*Flower3* The Title: Describes the thought behind the poem, and is also alluded to in the poem itself. The 'statement' type of title, which although apt, is in the same class some of the more evocative or symbolic ones.

*Flower3* Rhyming: You have chosen the abab cdcd efef gg thype of rhyme, well adhered to in the main, except for like it/sonnet which I felt was not a direct rhyme. The sound is 'eh' as in met for one, and 'ih' as fit, for the other.

*Flower3* Meter: I was under the impression that these were usually in pentameter, or sometimes with another count, but always in meter. One lives and learns. Please do tell me which form this is, so that I can add to my knowledge too.

*Flower3* Grammar:There were no errors within the requirements in poetry, which are much more elastic than those of prose.

*Flower3* Poetry Form: As I said earlier, I am confused about the exact type, there are variations galore on the original sonnet.

*Flower3* Poem as a whole:You have the knack for the unusual, writing about writing! I can see the vein of wry humour that characterises your pieces.

*Flower3* Remarks: You say poetry is not your 'cup of tea'? I think you are well on the way to becoming known for your verse. Maybe sonnets might not be what brings out the best in you, but perhaps something a la Ogden Nash? You still get a big*Thumbsup**Check2*
Jyo


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Review of Pale Blue Ribbons  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008


*Flower5* There are two halves to this poem, and I must confess that much of both went above my head.

*Flower5* There is some violent and disturbing past event, I caught faint glimpses of the truth. But the larger picture eluded me. I do not profess to be a great student of poetry however, so this is probably a lone opinion.

*Flower5* The hurt and pain comes through clearly however, the wounds still so raw, I hesitate to comment and make them weep afresh. I empathised with that part, and the words have raw power.

*Flower5* You made me think of some events in my own life, the words were profoundly true.
"Seared into grey matter
And it really doesn’t matter
That there was nothing I could do,
Even though what I didn’t do
Mattered in the long run."

*Flower5* Put this down as a reflection of my inability to appreciate, rather than a criticism of your writing.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


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Review of Watered Silk  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008


*Flower5* I remember reading this poem, it gave me a feeling of deja-vu. The title is beautiful and I'm sure I have told you that.

*Flower5* Again your forte for unusual simile or metaphor shows. 'Liquid silk', 'undulating sky'...I'm floating there myself.

*Flower5* This line was specially evocative, the image so sharp that I had to shake myself back into reality.
"Sea urchins bat their spines
as a puffer bloats by" 'as a puffer bloats by", superb.

*Flower5* Normal things, the constraints of diving, are put in such an unique way. Sheer legerdemain, so to say.

*Flower5* I liked the consistency of the images evoked right from the title to the last line, but I do not quote, because I want readers to discover their favourite parts afresh. Other poems may also reach this exemplary level, but this will always be precious as the first diamond I discovered.

*Flower5* This is review 3 of 10.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


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Rated: E | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008


*Flower5* Flanconleter? Flancloneter? Is it to do with falcons, or those who measure some attribute of flannel, or a clone that falls...or what? Then I searched for it in the ever helpful Google. You have followed the prompt very inventively.

*Flower5* Some fantastic metaphor/simile here, I nibbled at 'antebellum expectation' delicately, I cowered before 'the great exclamation point', and shuddered at the thoughts 'flowing like septic cells down the sewers of the dispossessed'.

*Flower5* I do feel you need to be sure of the use of 'thee' and thou', it seemed wrong at a couple of places. The usage gave the poem a pleasant old-world flavour, but my not knowing the correct usage (and not understandiing the explanations on the net) made me lose a little of its richness. My fault entirely.

*Flower5* I liked your version of a 'round peg in a square hole' Though I think the original is a square peg in a round hole, this version allowed you to keep the subject soft and feminine in a pointed and unfriendly world.

*Flower5* One word foxed me, what is synmosis? The rest of the poem is an unusual benediction. Your poetry effortlessly stands apart and above.

*Flower5* This is review 2 of 10

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


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560
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008


*Flower5* This is well written and, and if it were prose, I'd go straight to the praise. But, you say it is poetry.

*Flower5* This has to be free verse, right? But it doesn't have that 'flowing' nature so characteristic of that form. To me, it had a terse staccato rhythm that actually went well with the theme, a coffee shop. I'd just read it over a see if the line breaks could be altered a bit, to heighten that effect. But it is your call entirely.

*Flower5* Please, even in prose use numbers not as numerals but as spelled out words. (07:20 becomes seven-twenty). In poetry it is too incongruous. Unless you went for that effect deliberately?

*Flower5* I loved the line you have reproduced in your intro, but found only a couple of other bits using imagery. The rest was that terse narrative style, which as I said actually worked quite well.

*Flower5* Your writing has flashes of sheer brilliance, I guess the consistency will come with time. It is still a good read.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


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Review of Phoenix Rising  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008


*Flower5* I liked the inventive use of colour (WritingML) and centering to create a wavering flame like appearance for the poem. The difference in the two colours chosen underlined the change in tempo and created a refrain like effect. The repetition of the first verse at the end effectively 'capped' the piece.

*Flower5* What a great visual. You chose not to go for the conventional bird-like appearance but have the winged fairie appearance instead, at once wild and beautiful. the colours mirror the writing, or is it vice versa?

*Flower5* Some deeply profound lines :
"Retrospection bewilders me, how blind, how helpless, how pathetic.
I saw a stranger in those caustic memories"
&
"Naïve expectations frayed into poor choices;
Seeking remnants, finding rags.
"

*Flower5* I loved the comparison to the forest fire, supplementing the already present image or re-birth. If I had to select my favourite lines, nearly half the poem would get reflected here. Suffice it to say I gloried in the flickering reflection of those flames.

*Flower5* This is Review 1 of 10

Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


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Review of Raison D'être  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


*Flower5* The 'reason for living', an evocative title, but I did not feel it was the perfect one for your piece. Is it WDC or "writer's cramp or your cats? The 577 words do not clarify. It can't be either of the former, or you would not need resolution and prompting (forgive the pun).

*Flower5* You write easily, it is just like being there and looking at the events unfolding. A little peephole into your life.

*Flower5* Your poem had me laughing, I loved the third line, a lesson in juxtaposition of incongruous images. I re-read some of your pieces in my mind; Lincoln's nose - ah, what a deft piece that was.

*Flower5* I personally do not like numerals written as numbers, I prefer them spelled out as words. "Twenty" for 20. That's a personal quirk, however.

*Flower5* Inventive, amusing and worth the read. Kudos.



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of SEASON ONE  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is part of a *Heart**Heart**Heart*Three Of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008

*Flower5* The Title: Bland and practical kind of title. It works well, in that it tends to be apt, being merely a terse description of the main event.

*Flower5* The Beginning: This is a new format for me to review. In this format the beginning contains plenty of required information, and the 'hook' comes in the initial action. The first few interactions are gripping and compel one to complete the tale. I liked it.

*Flower5* The Setting: Obviously, clinically described in exhaustive detail. Screenplay has this advantage over a story

*Flower5* The Characters: The interaction is terse and laden with drama, excellent. The dialogue is very much in 'character'.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Where they exist, these are clinical and precise, nothing further being required, no flights of simile or metaphor are needed. The characters are named, but no descriptions are given. Even if physical description can be left to the casting, shouldn't there be a concept in place? Psychological description is possible, that would show how to play the character. But I know nothing of screenplays, ignore me if you want.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Excellent idea for a series, you can do a lot with this. I for one, will be tempted to follow the further development. Best of luck with its telecast. It is well thought of, to make each episode distinctly separate.

*Flower5* What I liked: The dialogue. This made up for the lack of description, the way each person acted and spoke, said volumes for their persona. Bravo.

*Flower5* Suggestions: None, really, I might have objected to the distracting format, but you have already explained that. I had a wonderful read. Thanks.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of What If.......  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Three of Hearts Review Frenzy 2008

*Flower3* The Title: I immediately was reminded of one of my favourite poems, "If" By Rudyard Kipling. I couldn't wait to see what you had made of this question.

*Flower3* Rhyming: Simple scheme, well executed. It is better to do a simple thing well than fumble at flights of the complex. Maybe friends/end was not the most perfect of rhymes, but I liked the message enough to overlook that. Although grammatically incorrect, I felt changing it to friend would not be amiss. ( Dogs are a man's best friend).

*Flower3* Meter: There is no serious attempt at meter, the questions being so pertinent as not allow much flexibility. I feel 7-6-7-6 meter is a simple structure; or tetrameter, eight syllables per line, maybe. It is not impossible:
"What if cows ate people? " could become 'What if cows munched on people? allowing it to become seven syllables as the first line of the stanza should be in the former metrical scheme.' Making it conform to a syllable count is entirely your choice, I just illustrate that it can be done.


*Flower3* Grammar: Impeccable. This could read as a piece of prose and not be faulted for grammar. I have no need to utilise the ubiquitous 'poetic licence'.

*Flower3* Poetry Form: I did not recognise a specific form, but the arrangement of the poem in four line stanzas is, to my mind, one of the neatest forms.

*Flower3* Poem as a whole:I liked the sentiments expressed, the idea of turning things topsy-turvy to gain new perspective. Sometimes irreverent and humourous, sometimes wise and profound. I loved the cheeky ending, I do hope your spouse laughed too.

*Flower3* Remarks: You get an enthusiastic *Thumbsup**Check2*from me
Jyo
PS Why have you got the item type set as 'Other"? This is, by any standards, a poem. Make that "Poetry" instead ( I do feel even the genres could stretch to include Philosophical or Emotional).

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Review of I Miss Buttons  
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* You have such an inventive handle. There are numerous 'Kats' on-site, but you set yourself apart.

*Flower5* This is well written as a tale for children and even for those who deal with children. The font size and colour are appropriate, I do not think 'bold' font is a must. Courier as choice of font gives nice clean 'open' type face. It is easy to read.

*Flower5* Good title, which sums up the story neatly. The intro is appropriate too.

*Flower5* The dialogue and interaction is gentle and loving. A job well done. If I had any complaint, it was the lack of description, we do not know what Buttons was like, nor Cindy, or her parents. It would be so easy to add it, without changing the tone or drift of the story. For e.g.-:
"Cindy said the same thing every day for the last few months since her favorite pet died. “I miss Buttons,” she said. " Just add "Her wide gray eyes had the fine mist of tears and her underlip trembled ever so slightly with the effort to hold back pain." It's your choice entirely, but I felt a little physical detail would help lift this to the ranks of perfect.

*Flower5* An moving and educational tale.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of The K-Rations  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is not one story, it is a montage of stories, flickering in sharp balck-white images, fading and the next comes on. I'll treat them as one entity for reviewing because the quality is so consistent.

*Flower5* The Title: Fantastic title, topical, apt, and it has a story within itself. Great stuff. The award given to it is not only well deserved, it says it all in the dedication.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Your beginnings are awesome, you drop us into the midst of the action...kerplonk.

*Flower5* The Setting: Each one is the so real and 'same', yet each one is uniquely different. I liked the little 'bold' font beginnings that separated one from the other.

*Flower5* The Characters: They live. I have no greater praise than this.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Superb. Like I said before, the action happens all around us, we fell the same fear, the tension, the exhilaration, the shock...the war.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: This is a brilliant collection of stories and I'm so glad you made this collage of them instead of putting it in a staid folder. we had this smorgasbord from which to choose and savour. The mark of a seasoned writer.

*Flower5* What I liked: There are exquisite images in the lines, some of my favourites:

"All around them, winter is evident in its startling beauty, the naked trees barely able to stand as branches snap from the pressure of the ice chunks that form."

"However, he barely gets finished when the captain tears into him like a rabid dog on a short leash. "

" Hot tears leak from his eyes and run down his cheeks, snot mingling to slip into his parted and moist lips"

*Flower5* Suggestions: I found just one sentence I didn't like:-
"A slew of very colorful language, some of which Baldwin’s innocent ears have yet to be exposed too" it has 'to' mis-spelled as 'too', but that's not why. It is a tad awkward, obviously innocent ears have yet to be exposed to some or all of the 'colourful' language, that's what innocent means. Maybe 'an education for Baldwin's innocent ears'? Also, the 'very' seems mundane, I'd prefer 'inspired' instead. That's a lot of suggestion for one sentence but that's all I have to say about the entire piece.
Absolutely no 'real' suggestions, this is exemplary work.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: E | (4.5)

*Flower5* The Title: Beautiful title. It arouses curiosity; and once one reads through the story, one realises how apt it is. bravo.

*Flower5* The Beginning: A good opening paragraph. One wonders why there is no chirping or ring of the alarm and then the tale gently unfolds to explain why.I'd suggest a tauter last line though, without the shift in tense. ('Her thoughts began to drift' matches the beginning of that sentence.)

*Flower5* The Setting: The changes of scene are deftly done and the description adequate on the whole to take you from one to the other.

*Flower5* The Characters: I could not 'see' any of the characters, except glimpses of the protagonist, Mary Ellen. Some more physical description would be easy to introduce.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The event and places are detailed brilliantly, just a nedd to 'flesh out' the characters.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: There was a tale within a tale, Romance and history with A little awareness added. Gentle and poignant. I liked it.

*Flower5* What I liked: The note upon which this story ended, it was superbly done. I will not reveal it, just mention that it capped the tale perfectly.

*Flower5* Suggestions:She was sitting on the wrap around porch of the house she grew up in, and she was playing with her dolls. When a character speaks I tolerate these little flaws of grammar, but it should be "She was sitting on the wrap-around porch of the house in which she grew up,, and she was playing with her dolls.

"She could remember the sound of her parents, Daniel and Ruth, voices as they talked happily about their day." The inserted names break up the flow of the sentence, the apostrophe is missing too(this mistake repeats itself in many places 'mothers (mother's) hand' and Jesus (Jesus') name). Maybe "She remembered the sound of her parent's voices; Daniel's and Ruth's voices talking happily of their day."

" she could become deaf, or loose her eyesight" 'lose'

"hearing lose" 'hearing loss'

The spacing between paragraphs is not consistent, easy to remedy. Note that the 3rd and 4th paras are not divided by a one line space.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of I HATE YOU  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower3* The Title: This immediately catches the attention. With a plethora of "I Love You" items floating around in a pink haze, this purple item stands out.

*Flower3* Rhyming: It is wisest to adhere to and fulfill a simple scheme, than attempt a complicated one and have to 'make do' with certain words not perfectly to one's liking, in order to stick to a complicated rhyme scheme. 'abab', perfectly done. I appreciate the pronunciation of ...'of' as 'ove', something we are unused to in our country.

*Flower3* Meter: The meter is conspicuous{ in its absence, but when i read the poem the lines sort of fell into a natural rhythm for the majority of the lines. In the first stanza, this natural cadence would be improved by adding 'I' to the beginning of the second line thus:
" I hate the way you look at me,
loathe your every touch."
I loathe your every touch. But perhaps you want to avoid overuse of that word.

*Flower3* Grammar: This does not have the same meaning in poems as it does in prose, but I felt a slight re-arrangement of the words in the fourth line of the second stanza might better convey the meaning, without disturbing the rhyme or word usage much.
"I wish that I could make you see,
it’s you I no longer dream of.
"
I would suggest "It's no longer you I dream of"

*Flower3* Poetry Form: I did not recognise a specific form. The arrangement in quatrains has a visually pleasing effect, as does the use of colour and bold format.

*Flower3* Poem as a whole: I applaud this effort to portray this ending of a relationship. It does happen just this way,.

*Flower3* Remarks: The only thing that I felt lacking, its presence would take this to sublime heights, was meter. you still get a fervent*Thumbsup**Check2*
Jyo


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569
569
Review of The River  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


*Flower5* I liked this for many reasons. First things first, the title reminded me of one of my favourite poems and the story did not let me down wither.

*Flower5* The first paragraph was powerful and chock full of description that drew me in. I especially liked the description of the river's changing looks.

*Flower5* The description of the three characters was simple and 'real', they came to life for me.


*Flower5* The story was touching and somehow sent goosebumps rising on my arms. Needless to say I liked it.

*Flower5* The ending was good, reminiscent of the end/beginning of many tales ( Alex Haley's 'Roots'), but nonetheless good.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
570
570
Review of Adiós Grasa  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


*Flower5* The title, marvelous! I do not know Spanish but at least half of that title was readily comprehensible. The rest, curiosity was one factor in drawing me in to the story. Another was the consistent excellence of your work.

*Flower5* The shorter the story, the more the challenge to completely say what one wants to portray. You did a deft job of outlining that one should be careful when making a wish, or when striving to be 'someone else'.

*Flower5* The characters too, were outlined with a few sure firm strokes of the pen, virtually speaking. Ruth and Jenny 'lived'.

*Flower5* I liked the little ironic touches, the meaning of Adios Grasa, the acronym TANTAAFL, brilliant.

*Flower5* BTW, no spelling mistakes, grammatical errors or typos, something one expects of your polished works, and then takes for granted. So, I thought I'd laud the effort that goes into making them so.

*Flower5* Always rewarding to peruse these inventive nuggets, these morsels of a story.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
571
571
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* The title got my attention immediately and aroused curiosity.

*Flower5* Ah, one heck of a first line. Loved the images created. The first paragraph was excellent too, keeping up high standards raised by the first line and title. But one line had me wondering...
"On top, the barely surviving heather is bent back inland its stems blanched white by the prevailing wind and salt. Tuff tight grass and hardy wild flowers between rocky outcrops are all that survive against the Atlantic gales." There seems to be change of tense from the previous line. A comma after 'inland' would help separate the two parts of the sentence. Is it 'tough tight grass' of 'tufts of tight grass' or something else I'm missing here? The description did not 'fit' to me. The rest of it is powerful and an excellent beginning.


*Flower5* I hate commas, the pesky things never 'sit' where I want 'em. yet they are useful for separating phrases and ideas, especially in long run-on sentences like this one.
"Inside are two rooms one for sleeping the other for living" Would you say a comma after 'rooms' was appropriate? A re-look might be required at other places too.E.g.:
"They were followed by a small group lead by an old woman her tears hidden by a black wool shawl."
"Their dead father Patrick Joseph would lie overnight in the Chapel to be buried with his departed brothers tomorrow."

*Flower5* "It was nearing dusk on Thursday when four young men dressed in the only clothes they possess emerged from the half door," Possessed?

*Flower5* Do not think I did not like this, in fact I loved it. The simple words, the wonderful images of the impoverished Irish family and the emotion stirring details, all well done. you never fail to amaze me with the vast abundance of arrows in your quiver.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
572
572
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* I liked the implied subject in the Title and clicked to open this one. Bravo for choosing this topic and treating it gently without moralizing.

*Flower5* I liked the inherent cadence in some of the lines, despite the absence of formal meter. For E.g.:
"He asked for a nickel I gave him a dime,
he looked at the sun and asked for the time."
I'm just wondering if the lines would not improve with commas in between the phrases?

*Flower5*Again in the lines:
"I wanted to help him but what could I say,
I'll get you a job or have a nice day." Do you feel the use of quotation marks might add clarity to the lines?
I wanted to help him but what could I say,
"I'll get you a job" or "Have a nice day".


*Flower5* The interaction was something we have all gone through to some degree or the other so the lines serve to underline our duties.

*Flower5* You both began and ended it well, the opening and closing being self-evident. Bravo again.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
573
573
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


*Flower5* Your stories are versatile, and yet they are uniformly good. I keep a sharp eye out for one of your stories, let me tell you.

*Flower5* Good title, and apt intorduction. i'm not too sure the last 'genre' choice is appropriate. Wasn't there anything else you might have chosen? Not even 'Drama'?

*Flower5* You 'got' me, I loved the contrasts of the two halves of the story, the pathos and the little comic relief. The characters were well depicted. Oh, in short, I liked it all.

*Flower5* I liked the opeining lines the loving atmosphere was efficiently created by lines like:
"Her thumb slowly caressed his skin. Sometimes, she caught a tear and spread the salty liquid across his cheek"

*Flower5* Good stuff.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
574
574
Review of Bankruptcy  
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* What an unusual theme, I loved the humour admixed with poetry.

*Flower5* The rhyming is perfect and the couplets are a good choice, each verse being almost 'stand alone'. No meter as such, but the lines are so neat and almost in linear similarity that somehow it did not matter.

*Flower5* I liked it all but I have a firm favourite -
"We added some remarks to your credit report.
And the positive aspects we tried to distort"

*Flower5* There are little errors, like comma usage. For e.g. In the lines:
"So many threatening letters we will be sending" The meaning changes if you add a comma after 'So'. I'm not sure which meaning is your intention.
"So effective today you do not have a choice" I thought there should be a comma after 'today'.

*Flower5* Entertaining and refreshing. Kudos.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
575
575
Rated: E | (4.5)


*Flower5* I don't need to tell you I love your wry humour. I do? Then you haven't been reading any of your (received) reviews! But I don't mind saying it again, I love it.

*Flower5* Only you can talk to you that way, right? You wouldn't take it from anybody else. This is how a good person strives to become even better. I generally try to balance my reviews to an eclectic mix: of what I wander across, people who have won reviews, auto-rewards ( a gal's gotta accumulate points right?), request reviews and newbie items.

*Flower5* If this doesn't make us see more of you, nothing will. Writing new genres is fun, we can even surprise ourselves.

*Flower5* Why not start your own contest? That would be something new all right.

*Flower5* I had to see another of the "Dear Me" entries, and that was my second reason for reading this. Feel free to reciprocate.

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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