*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://p15.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jyo_an/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9
Review Requests: OFF
2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
Previous ... 5 6 7 8 -9- 10 11 12 13 14 ... Next
201
201
Review of Wings and Roots  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Bella . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


*Flower1* For all you mothers out there, and the children too, come and read this lovely benediction, this tribute to parenthood. One can learn from this welling fount of wisdom, this gentle soul who knows when to give and when to stand back.

*Flower1* I showed this one to my children and they were as touched as I was, what a balance you have achieved in there, what perfectly poised words, for a child needs both, roots and wings. Lovely title, by the way.

*Flower1* A parent always wants the best for their child, or children, wants all the things for them that they themselves had to do without; forgetting the children need the freedom to want and need what is close to their own hearts and dreams. The words are in free verse but broken up as each thought and blessing forms, I can hear them being formed and spoken.

*Flower1* I cannot give you my favourite line, it is all part of the self-same thought, yet it has many parts. How can something so contradictory be so whole? I do not know, I can only marvel at its symmetry. I forget to cavil at absence of rhyme or rhythm, I forget to look for punctuation, I forget everything but the pure emotion.

*Flower1* Thank you for giving me a peek into that overflowing heart of yours.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1388845 Unavailable **
202
202
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Angie Harris . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* You know this is the second RS port I have reviewed, that hasn't had the bio-block set yet. It would not only be an opportunity to let other members know you, it could serve as a place to thank those who recognised or helped you. You have been on-site long enough to know that, should I assume you wish to remain 'undercover' for some reason?

*Flower1* You get the punctuation right inside the poem, the title must be inadvertent error, yet it is glaring, because it is in the title. A space is missing after the comma, right after the first 'Dearest'.

*Flower1* Quatrains are a popular choice for poetry, they lend themselves well to many rhyming schemes. Your chosen scheme is abcb, not necessarily the easier for seeming to be the simpler choice. It is impeccable direct end rhyme, except for the rhyming pair 'yours/doors' which I thought were not a perfect choice. It might be pronunciation difference across cultures that's at the root of this seeming dissonance. The last few lines do not adhere to the stanza arrangement or rhyming pattern, but since they are obviously an epitaph, it is acceptable. An explanatory foot-note might clue in some, but I felt it was clear even without.

*Flower1* There's no attempt to keep to an even meter, although the first four lines and much of the poem has 6 syllables per line, or thereabouts. It is your choice, whether or not to use this sometimes restrictive device; I like to add it in for the reason that it provides a pleasing cadence when reading such poetry aloud.

*Flower1* The comma issue raises its head again, within the write. This is despite the fact that grammar and punctuation is much more flexible in poetry. See, if you use 'em, they must be used perfectly.
"Our Father,Brother or dear friend," Space required after that comma, before 'Brother'.

And in these lines, for the sake of consistency, do you think 'their tears' sounds better?
"those left behind
will have to dry away our tears."

Lastly, in the intro: "How do you say goodbye to someone you never thought you'ld have to" I think the contracted form for 'you would' reads you'd.

*Flower1* This comes across as a heartfelt and emotional epitaph, a good-bye to someone dearly loved. Any comments are about the writing, neither the person eulogised, nor the emotions evoked. Thank you for letting us have a glimpse of this corner of your heart.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1388845 Unavailable **
203
203
Review of A Beautiful Life  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Jen . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* It's been in your port for ages. It's personal and a tribute. It has won laurels before. All three are reasons why my opinion is unlikely to matter much to you, poetry is not my forte either, that opinion does not carry weight. Yet, here I am, to tell you what I felt upon reading this moving tribute.

*Flower1* The emotion was captured well. It started right at the the title and the association with those words. The intro makes us hush our breath for the pain in that line. The words inside continue from where those two left off, simple and revealing words.

*Flower1* There's obviously no attempt at meter, but a ragged rhyming pattern emerges - abcbddffghgijkj - too much to be accidental, not enough to be deliberate. Let's accept it as something that the heart made happen as it wrote along. If that heart could bear to take a look, another attempt to arrange into a more discernible scheme, why the visual and auditory presentation would then be as appealing as the emotional.

*Flower1* One knows little of the story behind your tragic loss, one knows only that it was painful and you have now comes to an acceptance of that bereavement. I can only express my sincere and heartfelt sympathy.

*Flower1* May you find Peace and Comfort and may she dwell for evermore in that pocket of memory, deep within your heart.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1388845 Unavailable **
204
204
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello ariion . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

I have to admit it, I am intimidated by your prolific outpouring of completed novels. I almost tip-toed out in a most cowardly manner, thinking such an accomplished writer needed no input from me. Two things stopped me, the courtesy of giving feedback to another on-site writer, and the hope that I might learn something from dipping into one of your tales.

*Flower1* I had to choose Hannibal's Elephant Girl, what a deft word picture that creates. Your intro carries on from where your title left off and places us firmly within that historic period. Good job. *Thumbsup*

*Flower1* The beginning was excellent, dropping right into breath-taking action, into rapids for crying out loud. I winced and held my breath as the narrator plunged down those falls. Your descriptions are vivid, the tree is the one that shows "A slimy green growth covered the rotting bark, and two jagged limbs stuck out like broken arm-bones", but we are reminded of her close escape by those deft words. A little later we have "I held on with one hand, and lay back in the water, watching the clouds and overhanging trees revolve in the morning sunshine." It is she who swirls in the eddying waters, yet that transferred motion makes it all the clearer to us. Another *Thumbsup*

*Flower1* You tell the tale well, I was reading along enthralled and before I knew it, I had come to the end of the chapter, with a keen appetite to read on. Oh, well done. You introduce the characters well, not stopping long for any back-story, we know just enough to satisfy the immediate curiosity, we plunge on, engrossed in what is unfolding now.

*Flower1* Surely, if permitted, I should like to come and read more of the Elephant Girl, for you have but whetted the appetite, merely scratched the tummy of this voracious craving for this tale.

*Flower1* I knew there was something I was forgetting, I have to tell you I loved this tale. I know that you got it all correct, setting, characters, description, dialogue and interaction, motivation, plot, the perfectly 'hanging' ending to any chapter - the one that makes you turn the page to the next. *Thumbsup* Aren't you getting tired of the gesture? So shall I show my delight instead? *Delight*


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1388845 Unavailable **
205
205
Review of Our Beginning  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello ~WhoMe???~ . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I do a lot of things in a rebellious spirit, the spelling however conforms to the British influence upon the language in India. Please make allowances.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* Your piece is one of the items for Simply Positive members to peruse and review, this week. I thought the title was apt enough, whilst not out-and-out eye-catching or collar-grabbing unusual. It was the intro, soft and tender, that caught my eye. It said that this would be something not quite in the usual mold.

*Flower1* Ah, this is a short one, more likely to be a deep one then. Haiku is an example of how small can be achingly beautiful.

*Flower1* The words are simple, the message is riveting. There's no attempt to adhere here to any syllable count, although I was happy to see the first two lines conforming. Then the 3rd and 4th made it obvious this was not one of the devices chosen by you.

*Flower1* Four quatrains or four line verses, arranged in abcb rhyming pattern, all in direct end rhyme. Isn't English a funny language, the word that rhymes with 'choose' is not the similarly spelled 'loose' but another word of entirely different meaning - 'lose', made by losing a loose 'o' from 'loose'! *Laugh* I love the inconsistencies of the language and life!

*Flower1* In the first verse, the last line declares that all the binding, that is, restricting, ties were - "all self made with no suprise." Other than the typo - 'suprise'/'su(r)prise' - I thought the line could be made clearer with one tiny change. To: 'all self made, that's no surprise.' (Or 'it's no surprise'). The reason I suggest this is, that otherwise, it sounds as though it was the making of the ties which was without the feeling of surprise.

*Flower1* The poem changes tone mid-way and becomes the merging of two into one, a sort of Problem and Resolution. The latter half was the stronger and more emotive one. Especially the image created of the voice calling out to direct you out of the fog of confusion.

*Flower1* The last line is a cliche, used, for once, effectively. Well worn expressions have their uses too, to make meanings apparent, to make that last line a virtual vignette of that fading shot into the sunset, with clasped hands, I applaud you.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
206
206
Review of She Walks  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Nikola~Loving Her Gracie Girl! . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered. I am from India and we have been unable to shake off the British influence in our spellings, which, though different from the American, are no less 'correct'! *Laugh*

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

I see you are one of the selected reviewees on the Simply Positive Forum. I think the title alone would have enticed me anyway, even if that were not so.

*Flower1* I tend to place a lot of importance on titles, especially so in poetry where it can make an effective echo or refrain, as yours does. It seems like such a blunt terse statement, 'She Walks'; yet after the read, it acquires shades of meaning far beyond just the literal, even beyond the accepted idiomatic meaning. *Thumbsup*

*Flower1* Sometimes I wish I could rid myself of that odd quibble that often stops me in my reading of a poem. I'll be going along - enthralled by sights and sounds - suddenly, I stop in my tracks. I did so at the term old Victorian house here. In our times, anything Victorian must be old, it might add a depth of meaning to use some other adjective, like rambling, or stately, or anything else that comes to your mind.

*Flower1* I found the mention of the years or century in which it was built to be another piece of 'added' information that was already given. One can figure it out much closer if one considers the Victorian era was from 1937-1901. Again, this was an opportunity to add some other information about that house. Something to bring it to life by deft description. You need not address these 'quibbles', I just mention what marred my appreciation of an otherwise smoothly progressing story. For story it was, in the guise of a poem.

*Flower1* The lines are simple and do no more than state a cascade of events, allowing the reader to paint upon them whatever emotion he or she chooses to bestow. In one way, this is a powerful technique.

*Flower1* It is not clear whether it was suicide or not from the description of the way her death was discovered. If her room was said to have locked from within, if her lifeless hand was still tightly curved upon the hilt, (that is possible - cadaveric spasm, it is called), that would confirm a despairing suicide.

*Flower1* In spite of all those quibbles, I thought this was an unusual choice of form, a unique presentation, and an effective use of echoing opening and closing lines to heighten the impact. You have to choose your own words and method, the tale is the important thing. You tell that well.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
207
207
Review of Love, Mom  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Unratable.)
Hello Riot . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

I saw your name on the board over at SAJ's. I thought I'd use the opportunity to get to know you better. This is one of the 10 reviews that compose your 'shower'.

*Flower1* Hrrggh-hrghh! I'm going to be sniggering all day and nobody around me is going to know why! It's not just the pun in your intro, nor yet the fantastic non-typo, that is as your award says, perfectly placed. It is because you timed it perfectly, took us down one path and then - Wham! - the punch came in out of nowhere. kudos on a deft telling. You are a riot!

*Flower1* There was one sentence in your write that I felt had too many prepositions, too close to each other. I am not saying it is wrong, just that you might want to take a second look to decide if you have it exactly as you want it. "The headstones were right out next to each other at the top of a small grassy hill" I do mean prepositions, don't I, those thingamajigs that define where something is placed - under - over - so on and so forth?

*Flower1* An unhurried tale of a son's loss for a mother who was the mainstay of his life, it is full of sincere and telling emotions. I appreciated the touch about the flowers, the not-yet girl friend, the banal yet soothing words of the ceremony. How finality is just one more trite phrase mouthed by the cleric.

*Flower1* I just could not have imagined a better take on this difficult prompt, my head is bowed in respect. Thanks for the great read.

*Flower1* Hrrrgh-Hrrggh-hrrgh! *snorts and subsides* Of course thanks for putting that smile on my face!


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A Simply Positive multi-signature.
208
208
Review of Wishcraft  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

I had to give you at least one more review: I enjoyed that last read a lot, I didn't get your user name written correctly on that last review, this is supposed to be a shower - one drop does not a shower make!

*Flower1* Actually there's one more reason for this review - that title is delectable, a word play on 'witch-craft' that explores the magic in wishes. The intro too is almost poetry. I just had to read through this one.

*Flower1* How do you do this effortlessly, combine two prompts into one story and probably fulfill both equally well? To do this kind of prompt - with some words being mandatory, and those choices a mixed and jumbled lot - that takes effort. I know, I entered that contest myself. So kudos on that win, you had stiff opposition! *Laugh*

*Flower1* The story has all the pluses I have now come to expect from your writing, great descriptions, a gentle unhurried pace of relating the tale, the happy end. I mean that last in no snide sense, the happy refers to the fact that the action and events are all tied up and 'finished', no loose quibbles running around.

*Flower1* Your pieces are impeccable for the most, so either I am making a horrible gaffe - nothing new for me - or there's a tiny typo/error in there. "Why, it's so bright, I'll bet Dad can see it too. Let's make wish."" Should that not be - "let's make a wish"?

*Flower1* I love the way one can relate to the descriptions, the head begins nodding and one says to oneself, 'that's right, I have seen that myself'. Like the description of the smell of Michelle's mother, as she draws her daughter in for a warm hug - "She snuggled closer into the comfort of her mother. The scent of perfume mixed with a faint trace of dinner was somehow as reassuring as her mother's words."

*Flower1* I felt all warm and fuzzy after the read, not just because of the Easter Bunny! Thanks.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A Simply Positive multi-signature.
209
209
Review of Flotsam  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello huntermoon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

Ken, I noticed that you are up on SAJ board to receive a shower of reviews. I am making mine part of that parcel of 10. It is always a pleasure and a privilege to review a writer of your caliber.

*Flower1* That first line got to me. I do not know when I have seen a line that created such a vivid image in my mind, to call the colours of dawn 'nascent' was a master-stroke. Then, "the first rays of the morning sifted through the pale hued clouds" They do just that. The rest of the beginning was creating the moment of the morning walk along with the dog along the beach. It did all that, in one more deft sentence. What a beginning!.

*Flower1* The descriptions come across as vivid right through, the bird 'unfolding into the air', the mention of the protagonist seeming to have the same hair stylist as his dog - I could see the action and the people. Thanks also for being bold enough to use words like 'rambunctiousness', it expressed the puppy's behaviour perfectly, as no simpler word could have done. I believe that if you know the perfect word, you must use it, not a more common substitute with which readers were more comfortable, just to avoid a possible pause over a 'difficult' word.

*Flower1* The tale itself is unhurried, it focuses well on the man and the dog as a bit of back-story reveals the tragedy just passed. An overlay of colour that takes nothing away from the present and its acceptance of nature's bounty.

*Flower1* To add a poem into that, one that is so evocative and tender. It needs a review of its own. Again, it begins on lines of vivid imagery and continues through lines of powerful emotion and tender love. In the end it provides absolution through completion of hope. Well done.

*Flower1* I had a tear in my own eye, not the sobbing tear of sympathy for loss; but rather the tear of having looked at something bright and beautiful.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A Simply Positive multi-signature.
210
210
Review of Are We There Yet?  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Just call me Omni . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

I see you are on the receiving end of a 'shower' from SAJ and I am completing one of that parcel of 10. I prefer to review short stories rather than poetry - so here we are!

*Flower1* The title was the first thing to catch my eye, it is a statement in two parts. The first, tells us it is about a party, was that also a requirement of the prompt? To call it a party, rather than an event or a celebration? Second, it mentions that it is a true story, something that might come more naturally in the intro. Was it based on real events? Please accept my sincere regrets, if so. What I mean to say is that it was not a title that attracted the reader just by its connotations or unusual combination of words.

*Flower1* The font and formatting used, the bold font to distinguish the 'compulsory' phrases, the little explanation at the bottom of the story, all these were well done.

*Flower1* There were flashes of ironic hunour that highlighted the frustration and tension building. The bucolic nature of the setting and Aunt Debby or her so B.J. being so laid-back, these were deft touches. I especially laud bringing in the bumblebee for the comment that he at least looked like he knew where he was going!

*Flower1* You are right, the party is a surprise party, for the readers. Well done.

*Flower1* There were a couple of places where I wondered if the sentence was constructed exactly as you wanted. For e.g.:
"I thought bitterly as I watched B.J. in a slow gait heading back to our car." I'd have rearranged it thus: I thought bitterly as I watched B.J. heading back to our car with an unhurried slow gait. You see I also took the liberty of exchanging the 'in' for a 'with' and adding 'unhurried' to show why the frustration was building. But that's just me, if you are sure you have it as you want it, just let it be. There's nothing actually wrong there.

*Flower1* I thought this was a difficult job well done, given that all those objects and phrases had to be inserted in the story. The end deserves a special pat of praise.



Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A Simply Positive multi-signature.
211
211
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello JudyB . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*
I see you are one of the "showerees" on the the SAJ board and I am pleased to be part of that joyful shower.

*Flower1* This was the most recent item, but the title caught my eye. Not because it was unusual, we all have done dumb things as kids, but because I wanted to rush in and see if yours were any worse than mine! You know, like the fairy tale about the guy who left home to find three fools bigger than his family, he goes only a short way and comes back satisfied the world is full of them? BTW - I still do dumb things - I just have less excuse now, looking forward to the time when I can blame it on advanced age!

*Flower1* The little explanatory preamble about the grandchildren was good, I also liked the fact that you extended your childhood way past entry into the teen years! *Laugh* May the child in you live on for ever.

*Flower1* The language, grammar and spelling are all impeccable, with neat partitioning of the [present and the past, one-line inter-para spaces et al. I found one point where I had to stop and wonder why you chose to bracket a brand of clay/plasticine. In my mind it worked just as well without.
"(Play-Doh) was an unknown back then"

*Flower1* The idea of chronicling these events by a sort of time-line was good, I found myself able to picture that child growing up. For once, I did not wish for more character detail or setting, the little anecdotes were being narrated in such a natural manner, it was not required. Where needed, the details were given, like in the description of the stove.

*Flower1* Thank for letting me start the day with a chuckle.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A Simply Positive multi-signature.
212
212
Review of Under The Bed  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Andrew Lee Austin . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

I saw your little ditty hidden in a pile of other comedy offerings, the subject mentioned in the intro, as also the specific type of fear mentioned in the title, caught my eye, and I was sufficiently intrigued to pull it out for a read.

*Flower1* This is a firm belief that kids have, that there are monsters under the bed, behind the curtains, in the closet or even in the commode! I had a 'night light' on until I was eleven years or so. My kids had these 'Glo' toys that gave them company until they fell asleep. I still have the valiant Teddy that used to save my son from monsters under his bed. He was a real pro at tackling the!

*Flower1* I especially love the lines
"Well, of course it’s not there when it knows that you’ll check
It’s probably hiding elsewhere
But it will surely come back when I least expect
And in the morning you’ll find me nowhere."

I wrote a poem on similar lines and I remember mentioning that 'the brute can't be seen by others, certainly not by sneering brothers'.

*Flower1* I see you are new to WDC, do take the time to set your bio-block to let us know you better! From your user name I get the feeling your own childhood days have not been left too far behind, at least compared to those of us in the sere and yellows! At any rate, the feeling of night-time kiddie-panic is well-captured.

*Flower1* I thought I saw one teeny typo in there:
"The room goes cold, the light flickers out
Strangle little taps can be heard" 'Strange' is the word you mean to use, I presume?

*Flower1* The intro too had one hiccup, it swallowed the 'b' in the word 'about'. I did not spot it at first glance, just when about to finish this review, It is just a tiny 'niggle'.

*Flower1* Excellent rhyming, with direct end rhyme in most places, except for the inventive use of 'expect' and 'check'. Well done. You choose to avoid counting of syllables to make a even meter, but reading it aloud did not have any 'ragged' feel despite the uneven length. It had a rather pleasant and easy cadence to the read. So, all in all, a good show! *Thumbsup*





Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
213
213
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Ben Langhinrichs . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I was feeling depressed and turned to site search to give me something to put the rainbow back in my life. Your pieces was one of those that popped up. The provocative title, the promising intro, the chosen genres and the handsome ribbon all shouted that I had found my pick.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* Y'know, every time I have seen your handle, I have glimpsed it as 'laughing riches' - a trick of the mind, but prophetic. For this little piece proved to be a mine of laughing riches! *chuckles* You will not hold that lapse as evidence of my lack of credentials as a sane commentator, will you? *Rolleyes*

*Flower1* This was inspired, a different form for each day of the week, a different guy for each date, a refrain to tie them all together, and inventive use of coloured fonts. Bravo.

*Flower1* I thought the Sonnet was good, and the Etheree was punchy. Each part rose to greater heights - the Acrostic was inspired and the Haiku had me snorting and choking with great gouts of merriment. You have one wicked sense of humour!

*Flower1* So glad this story had a happy ending. You know they should use this to show even a poem can have all the required elements of a story, Problem-Conflict-Resolution, then Characters, Setting, Dialogue, Plot, and Moral! Superb.

*Flower1* I'm just off to a dinner appointment - I see I shall have to explain away my recurring giggles as some kind of spasm, but I'll enjoy the secret joke. Thank-you for a great read.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
214
214
Review of Poor Ice Cream  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Charlotte ~ Chasing Rabbits . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

I wanted to read something 'light' and I went searching for those within the genre of Comedy. I am so glad I came across your piece. *chuckles* Kids!

*Flower1* Oh, me, oh my! In such a short time you have 10 items to offer us as a read? Wherever do you find the time and the inspiration? After reading from your bio-block that your penchant is not towards this kind of delectable and funny 'short', I am glad that of all your stories, this is the one I found.

*Flower1* Short stories work harder than the longer versions, they have to attempt to get at least a couple of the elements right in that short span. I felt that although the story had the Beginning-Middle-End done all right, the Setting, Characters, Description and Plot all needed thickening! Another dash of cherry syrup perhaps? *Laugh*

*Flower1* For example, in the opening sentences one phrase is used twice - 'just in the middle of' - both for putting together a sundae and for moving out the sofa from the wall. This wastes a good opportunity for description or setting, or both.

*Flower1* You also say 'my mom', 'my mother' twice, as well as repeat 'my little sister'. Unless there was a strict word count of 260 words (this is 257 - already over the 250 mark, so the next target is 300), there's plenty of scope to 'show' us your mother and particularly the adorable little sister. For instance, exactly how young was she? What colour were those tear-filled eyes?

*Flower1* I felt the best ending would have been if she had learned to laugh at her herself, or if you both had laughed together. Laughing at your younger sister was not the most attractive image upon which to close.

*Flower1* On the whole, it made me smile, it typified a child's irrational, emotional and exaggerated response to much of what adults take for granted. Ah, to be a child again and find a fairy in every butterfly and angels in every star!


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
215
215
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello talkingpen and welcome to this wonderful site.. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I came upon your review upon the Request Review Page and was sufficiently attracted by the combination of your title and intro. I also admired your deft handle - would that our written words could indeed talk - a talking pen might help! *Laugh*.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* The title was effective, the use of the word 'curse' ensures that the fantasy part is revealed, the rest assures a treasure. I just wondered why the title was neither all capitals, nor title case, the two most commmon choices on site.

*Flower1* The character development was good, Paul and Eric stand out clear from the other 'incidental dwellers of the tale - including the farmer or the old boatman. The mini-flashback serves to give us the relationship between the two.

*Flower1* The wizard 'preferring' the comfort of normal clothes was another bit of humour that leavened this slightly dark fantasy. I think humour is often effective in highlighting suspense or drama.

*Flower1* The formating is clean and neat with excellent inter-paragraph and dialogue spacing. Yet at some points an indent is missed out. Do take a good look at it, once more. There were other errors, like:

“ I said so.” Extra space between the quote marks and the 'I'.


" Paul was ready to finish him off, when he seen the farmer reaching for something" When he 'saw', surely?

There are places here the comma is misplaced or missing, I am no great expert, but perhaps that umpty-second look (it's obvious you have taken pains to polish this piece) could keep an eye out for these too?

*Flower1* Whist the end is a piece of timing, an ironic twist, I felt it would have been just as effective if Eric had used Paul's reverie to just put on the necklace. Perhaps, even more so, for Paul could have rued the wasted opportunity as his pupil overtook him, in the last gasp of the quest.

*Flower1* I enjoyed this read and hope to come back for more, if I may?


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
216
216
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Mariella , here's wishing you a Happy WDC birthday! I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I saw this item on the review request page and the intro convinced me this fantasy tale would be worth a look-see. I am glad it did.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* The beginning was in the traditional 'once upon a time' manner. I felt it was effective in setting the tone of writing and it even 'places' the story, whilst introducing the royal family, especially Adorna. There is however the repeat of the word 'kingdom' within, the second use actually weakens the simile you strive to introduce - "her beauty fell like sunshine over the Kingdom." Perhaps it could be more "like sunshine that blessed the entire vale" or some other description that does not include the word 'kingdom'?

*Flower1* Things go in threes in traditional fairy tales; that formula is followed here too, three kinds of gifts are given to the princess, those by the common subjects, those by the sages and those by the elves. The king rejecting three priceless gifts as not quite worthy of his daughter.

*Flower1* I might have gone for a puppy, but a cat is in keeping with the air of mystery and fantasy. A fat ginger one serves as a wonderful interjection of the commonplace into the flowery world of fantasy. I thought that was a deft touch. You had displayed that once before, at the mermaid who 'giggled'; some might find that an annoying out-of-character intrusion; I thought it was an endearing touch of the human.

*Flower1* I just wondered at a couple of places if the descriptions used were the mot juste - "One morning he gathered together his most trusted servants and his most majestic horses and set off on his quest." Trusted servants? Was it a mission of secrecy? Why not his most able warriors? It might be a dangerous quest. Whilst the best horses might be the most magnificent; fit and hardy would be my choice for a journey of unknown time over unknown terrain. But these are minor quibbles.

*Flower1* I wonder why there no pets or cats in the palace or kingdom? I still liked the ending, and I am sure, the Princess at least, was happy with the gift.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
217
217
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Noa נעה . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I have read another of your stories and was impressed by your story telling ability. When I saw this item upon the Review Request page I knew I had to read it.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* The title might be the only thing I did not like about this tribute to your grandmother. (Incidentally, since you have one genre choice unused, why not choose 'Tribute'. That way if someone does a site search for that genre they will not miss out on reading this deserving write.) It was an apt title, but bland in statement, almost disinterested. I would have liked it to be as moving and personal as the rest of the piece. Have you thought about something like: "I miss you, Bapcia."?

*Flower1* For someone who has just begun to experiments with forms of English writing, your command of the language and rules is astonishing. You do well to use simple words, they not only avoid errors that more ambitious choices might entail, they allow the powerful emotions to be displayed without distraction. Bravo.

*Flower1* Perhaps emotions are too raw right now to allow you to write more? I just felt an anecdote or two, of how you remember her best, might set off exactly, the memories she leaves you as legacy.

*Flower1* The last paragraph before the leave-taking, the fare-well, is the most moving. You had me gulp down a football-sized lump in my throat there.

"Thank you for seeing the good in people, even though you had seen the worst that a man could be. And thank you for loving me, Babcia, for there is no greater gift a grandmother could give."

*Flower1* I think your grandmother would be so glad that she could inspire so much love. I think she would be comforted that you had found a way to remember her and let her live on in your heart. I think she would have been SO proud of you, Noa. God Bless.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
218
218
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello boogster . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I note that you have just joined the site, yesterday to be precise.
Yet you have the item and content ratings correctly set, and have some appealing choices of genre too. I see that you need no directional nudges from me, except perhaps to set your Bio-block when you get the time, so that we can get to know you better.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* I liked the title, the use of the lower case intrigues and tells me this is likely to be a style that I might not 'get at first. The words themselves tell me that this story is at least going to be reminiscent. The intro does put me off a bit. I do not think that there is much excuse for poor spelling or sloppy formatting/punctuation, what with easy access to Spell-check, dictionaries and helpful friends.

*Flower1* I did a double take at the screen, the item is shown as 5.79 KB, that's roughly 600 odd words, yet I can see only eight lines. Way down the page it begins again. I kept wondering why the large gap - if this is a WIP (Work in Progress) - a notation to that effect would help. Potential reviewers would know that they were reviewing an unfinished work. It would be best if you could keep it set to 'Private' until you were ready for critiques on the 'rough' work.

*Flower1* It is rife with spelling mistakes, even the on-site spell-check would rid you of most of them, especially ones like 'funebles' for fumbles' or 'colapx' for 'collapse'. It prevents me from going through the entire story, negating my effort to give you meaningful feedback. That's a shame, for there is some good description in there - like: "but she poked meand reteaved her finger fast like i was an infection that she didn't want to get" Of course you first have to mop up the words to get 'me and ' from 'meand, or 'retrieved' from 'reteaved'! I'll accept the lower case 'i', that's a well known device to imply the fact that the narrator is either saying the self is not important, or is made to feel that way.

*Flower1* I feel as though I am staring at this display of incogruus objects grouped and twisted together to form a rickety but strangely attractive structure. It's different, it's avant garde, it's beyond my comprehension; there are bits that appeal, but the whole is too unfamiliar. If it is modern art - I prefer old school. I can see where the more knowledgeable might find much to appreciate, but for now, I will have to struggle to find enough to applaud.

*Flower1* Probably more my lack than yours, but you might want to add in a few lines of introduction and reasoning to help others who might also struggle to read this. Anytime this is re-written in a more traditional format, please call upon me to review (and consequently, re-rate) my opinion!


Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
219
219
Review of Blazing Fire  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello ImpulseZip . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* I wonder why we don't do more of these M2M reviews? I am so glad I decided to be a 'good RS' this month. All the pieces that came tumbling out the swollen RS ports has been of high standard and each a delectable read! If I had any thing at all to offer as suggestion, it would be to choose another of the prompts for a title, even Snoopy's favourite opening lines. This was not the most apt of the lot, the blazing fire being conveniently pulled from a dream.

*Flower1* Four wildly - widely - unrelated prompts - and you got them all in so smoothly I never noticed. It must the little bits of observational humour. Like the three poster bed or the bit about turning o the light in the power outage to get a flood of ... darkness - that was priceless. There's an apocryphal tale of a power outage when we were kids. We had all lit candles and were sweating in the muggy tropical summer. One bright spark suggested turning on the ceiling fan. "No, stupid!" screamed another bright-er spark. (we have so many in our family) "Don't do that! You'll blow out the candles!" *Laugh*

*Flower1* I didn't get the bits about the prowlers, though. (I am the unlit spark!) They were rats, right? They got out through the window - so, cats? They chewed up through the wire - rats, again. Or dogs? They opened and raided the fridge - humans? Sorry, I warned you about my mental capacity - I would have opened that fridge door to get some light! *Bigsmile* (I also thought the 'splats' were sure loud to have woken up someone from sleep or be heard wayyyyy in the bed-room - it was just dripping ice-cream? But that's on the floor - were the intruders jumping around?)

*Flower1* Otherwise a well-crafted and out-and-out appealing tale. I just love Snoopy, so featuring him in there cranked up my applause one notch.

*Flower1* Lastly the image of your 'flashclock' will remain with me, ingenious and totally true-to-life. Thanks for an entertaining read.


Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1388845 Unavailable **
220
220
Review of Silver Beach  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello randomangel . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* This choice of writing has me applauding before the read. I think shorter stories are even more difficult than their long counterparts. There is so little scope for plot, character development, setting. To enter a contest that calls for a response to a prompt in just 24 hours - that's amazing. To WIN that day's contest - it takes my breath away. As did the story when I read it.

*Flower1* This is something only an angel could conjure, albeit a self-proclaimed 'random' one. There is a plot, there is a problem, no two; there is also the conflict. There's no perfect resolution, except the hinted exhortation to live in the moment. There's great depth of character and setting. Bravo, bravo!

*Flower1* There are a couple of lines in there that, in my opinion, said it all. It showed me the narrator without a word having been said about him. He is in love, both with the girl and the moment. "But their excitement, their joy does not penetrate the little bubble we inhabit. Together like this, we let the world pass us by."

*Flower1* The end was a perfect one for me, it does not attempt to resolve his dilemma, just gives him the joy of the here and now. I think you are going to find this fulsome praise boring. No? Shall I go on? *Laugh*

*Flower1* Anyway, I see others too have liked this item of yours, it bears evidence in the red ribbon so proudly worn. A well-deserved accolade, indeed.


Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1388845 Unavailable **
221
221
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Poetic ~ Luck ~ Charm . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* You have a folder 'for all my Writer's Cramp Entries' - I love those, so I clicked upon the icon with anticipation - it was as bare as the cupboard reputed to have been stocked by the unprepared Mrs. Hubbard! It has five stars bestowed upon it, so I am assuming it was once having some things on its shelf,. Did you delete those entries or move 'em elsewhere? Anyhow restock that folder darlin' writer - I'll come back an' visit, right now I'm heading for that Punkin' s'prise!

*Flower1* The title attracted the greedy gourmet residing in my gut, having been denied sustenance in that empty folder. I liked the autobiographical nature of the write at once , as well as the rustic tone of the language. The apostrophes seemed random, there in places, words just 'hangin' in others! The same problem with hyphens, is it 'pre-gourd' or 'pre gourd'?

*Flower1* After all that gory preamble about scooping out insides and knives and cuts, I was rather cringing for the bloody, sorry - juicy, err ... sad end. But you turned it into a sweet and tender almost-fairy tale. They all lived happily ever after, or at least until the pumpkin decayed! *Laugh*

*Flower1* I do not normally like gaudy coloured fonts, or the use of bold fonts ("It's so much like 'shouting', my dear," an internet friend shudders.) But here, it was both appropriate (orange for the pumpkin) and kind on my presbyopic eyes (if not bold, I'd hardly have been able to see it!). So, great for getting that right!

*Flower1* One tiny typo that can be easily fixed: "I‘m so glad she can be cheery I though, sickened" One extra 't' needed in there - as in 'thought'. Perhaps, a comma too, after 'cheery'?

*Flower1* Aww ... bits of this were just so cute, I'll never forget this pumpkin story. Especially the bit about Tommy (a brother pumpkin) 'losing his seeds'! I know a few people who are walking around without theirs! *Laugh*

*Flower1* Thanks for the entertaining read, I am so glad to have made your acquaintance.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1388845 Unavailable **
222
222
Review of The New Bus 16  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello naoeliyahu. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

Congratulations on your win in the Geographical Fiction Contest! This is one of the reviews from a member of TI

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* I appreciated the title even before the explanation in the story. I am sure many others will catch the allusion there, that something has happened to the old no. 16 bus. As you explain in the heading of the folder your main aim is to let us take a peek into the world you see every day. You gave us a breath-taking ride on that bus.

*Flower1* There's fine attention to detail and depth of character here, as the stereotype is built up, exploded and then chillingly re-exploited. The descriptions are simple and yet they are laid on, layer upon meticulous layer, to create this vivid picture. Well done.

*Flower1* I wondered about one thing though, it crops up a lot in my writing too, there are words of dialect, that have passed into English. Yet in 'English' their spelling is unlike the one commonly used or sounded in our country. Here it was 'hommous' that puzzled me, is this the same as the 'hummus' or 'hummous' - made of coarsely-ground soaked chick-peas? Wikipedia said alternative spellings were - 'hamos, houmous, hommos, hommus, hummos, hummous or humus'. Which is the widely accepted form?

How I got diverted onto the above subject I do not know, but having raised the question, I'll leave it in there.

*Flower1* I loved the way the the only two options for that young lad were summed up, neither leaves him whole or free. That there might be a third option is not even considered, until that last sentence. Don't know when I have seen a 'hanging' ending done better. (there was a tiny typo in that sentence, I will not quote in in its entirety here - that would ruin the story, but look out for this bit: "so high off their relief that they were" 'of' too would not be appropriate, would you consider 'in' as a substitute?

*Flower1* Kudos for an excellent bit of, as you yourself term it, 'realistic fiction'.


Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
223
223
Review of Forget-Me-Nots?  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Writer_Mike . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

Congratulations on your win in the Geographical Fiction Contest! This is one of the reviews from a member of TI

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* I have read and admired your writing before, so a sense of 'something good this way comes' was on high! I picked this from the myriad in your port not just because of the title, but because you chose to end it with a query mark. That underlined my expectation of the unusual.

*Flower1* The story is a nugget, a mere anecdote, yet it has all the classic elements. It does not have a happy ending resolution, but ends on the same kind of note as a relationship joke would, making light of a heavy moment.

*Flower1* The dialogue is natural and well written in, I especially like it when Tim 'croaks' out a bit, it makes a graphic change from the 'asked' and 'replied'.

*Flower1* Excellent leaning into the sarcastic humourous part, it forms just the reaction of Bill's partner to his lapse in memory. (I mean, in these tech-savvy days, forgetting is inexcusable. Your watch, mobile, PC, e-mail, on-line stores - all these have reminders built in for free!) I loved the line: "I tried to explain through the door, but Bev had a couple more things to say that wouldn't fit on the note."

*Flower1* The only quibble I had came right at the end, a pity, because I thought it was an effective end. Just that ... "Anyway, I bought her three dozen roses, but she still isn't speaking to me. At least she's stopped locking the door every time I go outside." I'd emphasise the positive change more. 'Anyway, I bought her three dozen roses; she still isn't speaking to me, but at least she's stopped locking the door every I go outside.'. I may be wrong about that tiny change making a difference, feel free to ignore me.

*Flower1* The challenge to throw up a story in response to a prompt in just 24 hours is a daunting task in itself. To manage such an entertaining tale, deserves a round of applause. *claps heartily*


Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
224
224
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello ~WhoMe???~ . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

This is review 5 of 5

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* I went delving deep within your port, amongst your older items, to find this poignant and emotional gem way down there. I do hope the monster has been banished and respite and relief granted by a merciful Providence. Whether it struck you or your near and dear, I do not know; I just know you captured the prayer of any victim, or their loved ones, perfectly.

*Flower1* The cry is heartfelt. How often have I, as a medico, been asked the question: 'Why me?' There is is rarely any answer that addresses the anguish, the fact that it is too soon, too unexpected, too harsh. So that first verse sets the emotional tone perfectly.

*Flower1* The rest reads almost like a prayer, to the the healers, the care-givers, the Almighty. Some bits will have those who have trodden this rough road nodding in perfect comprehension:

"Knowing of when
It will stop is no gain"

*Flower1* It ends on a note of understanding and acceptance of limitations, it asks for palliation and time to finish tying up loose ends. To have dignity and peace. Well done.

*Flower1* It has been a pleasure to walk through your garden. It had varied things to offer - like well laid spreads should: of fragrant blooms, an edging of rocks and the occasional spills of water. So from your raffles, to contests, to upgrade forum, to C-note shops, poetry and stories; I applaud them all. Nay, I wish to rise in applause for their creator - the humble and self-deprecating - WhoMe!
*gives a standing ovation*

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
225
225
Review of Crimson Teardrops  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello ~WhoMe???~ . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

This is review 4 of 5

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* I decided to refresh the palate, so to say. I was looking for a poem to read and this one caught the eye with its evocative title; it is a vivid image of not only tears, but also a bleeding wound. The ribbon that it wears proudly affirmed that it would be well worth the time. A short piece, it yet conveys all that it needs.

*Flower1* Unusual choice of form, is it your own? Or is it some known form or variant? Sixteen lines, unbroken into verses, or couplets even. Yet this would work either as quatrains or couplets, the chosen punctuation underlines these options.

*Flower1* There's a rhyme that's obvious without being intrusive; the poem has an ease of 'flow' that is often found only in 'free verse'. There's rhythm, if not meter, in there too: a 4-3-4-3 tattoo that sounds like a gentle gallop when read aloud. Only the last four lines fall out of this scheme if one takes syllables into account.

*Flower1* Each couplet makes for one image, one more in the cascade that spills past the mind's eye. There is a repeated and powerful impact there. I felt the one that left the most lasting impression was:
"Tears of crimson,
running steep."

*Flower1* Story teller, poet, what other roles can you play? I am of to find out.


Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
656 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 27 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://p15.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jyo_an/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9