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I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Problematic , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for "Invalid Item" 

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: I liked the title, it has a deeper meaning than just a youngster who observes domestic violence, he is also outside society's acceptance and has pushed himself there for a reason. I thought the title did its job of creating awareness of the topic and attracting attention too.

*Flower5* The Beginning: For quite some time I thought of the narrator as returning home after a long absence, rather than just his habitual return home, part of a daily routine. A small remark that 'it happened every day', that might help clarify the situation.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting was described, the chicken wire gate with its wooden frame, the littered front room, etc. I could not visualise the entire setting though. Maybe if we got a tad more detail? As you mention the father slouching in the chair show us what type of chair? Was it a spindly rocking chair that groans as he rocks? Are the beer spills making their own pattern on an overstuffed chintz covered sofa? Is the carpet grey with ashes that have been rubbed in by his feet? What about the kitchen? Does it smell of stale grease? Is the sink piled with unwashed dishes? Or does it gleam as the mother endlessly cleans already clean surfaces? Each bit makes even the characters gain depth.

*Flower5* The Characters: As mentioned above the characters need depth. the narrator - what does he look like? Ia he actually lanky and thin, but his explosive temper makes him a threat to others? Does he offset lack of strength with meanness in sneaky behaviour and violence by stealth? Or has he spent time working up muscles in his room, push-up after push-up to ensure the means to perpetrate the acts which relieve his tension?

The sister, the one who is actually not there, she is the best described character. However one does not know why the her death occurred or why the reactions were so devastating. The narrator was but a six-year old when the event occurred and he does not know. As a reader, I cannot help wishing I did.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The father and mother are described, but if one could see what they have become as compared to what they were - if he either struggles to see that, or the photograph mentioned has that, it would be good.

I could not understand why the mother was despised by the child, had he attempted to try and get her out of the violence? Did she find excuses and condone the behaviour? Had she failed to come to his rescue? Show us why he resents her so much.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: You have a lot of telling going on. I debated whether to do this in my 'Suggestions" below, but I reserve those for minor hiccups. This is an integral part of tale telling, it affects character description, setting and plot or pace.

Let me give you an example:

"Finally, I begun towards the door, pushing the squeaky gate open, I walked up the steps. Pushing the splintered oak door open, I stepped inside.

I hated coming home."

One would not know that from anything that went before, One has to experience that reluctance, to see it in a tangible manner called 'showing'.

If the lines were changed to something like:

My feet shuffled along the drive, the gravel scrunching and sliding like it wanted to punish me for coming there. The gate too, it moaned and groaned before the rusty hinge allowed me to swing it open. As I pushed hard against the resisting splintered oak door, I felt resentful. You don't think I want to come here, do you?

Do you see what I mean, add in your own descriptions if you agree.

The formatting is clean and neat with one line interspaces in between paras. The language is simple and lets the stark emotions show through.

I was glad to know the account was fictional. It was hard for me to read, as hard as it would be for any other victim of abuse. But abuse does not excuse abuse, this story seems to be written to excuse teen anger and violence. I will stop with just that one remark, I am here to talk about the writing as a whole, not react to the issue at large.

*Flower5* What I liked: You made a brave attempt to highlight an issue that is often ignored or swept under the carpet. I accept that you are trying to do it as an attempt to stand in someone else's shoes and find explanation for deviations of behaviour. Be sure that the empathy for all the victims is visible.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"Why are you so late, boy!" The sentence as it stands deserves a query mark at the end. If it was an accusing statement:'You are so late, boy!', then it needs an exclamatory mark.

"There would be familiar brown bottles littered around his chair, some of its contents spilling onto the carpet as he sipped another" 'Some of their content', it is beer bottles.

"Rays of light slithered through the blinds, casting long shadows across the room." When using unusual words, make sure the meaning fits and is clear to the reader. The word 'slithered' means "To glide or slide like a reptile" , are you sure that is what you want to say? It would still be clearer to say, the 'rays of light had to snake their way through blinds that almost managed to keep the room dark.'

"She used to, back in the day. When life was 'normal'." the term as I remember, is: 'back in the days'.

"I gazed at my Metallica poster as I the door to my room swung closed, it was pretty tattered. " I think this sentence underwent a partial edit? It doesn't make sense as it stands. There's an extra 'I' in there. What was pretty tattered, the door or the poster?

"I don't understand, what did they see that I didn't that made them care?" Call for the comma police please. I think a couple of commas fell out! *Laugh* Seriously, do you think a couple more might be needed to make sense of that sentence?

"He become violent;" He became violent.

"Sometime's my old man" No apostrophe required.

"It wasn't long before I had no friends, I had driven them all off. That fact took me forever to figure out. A six year old who didn't have a friend in the world. " It is just a quibble, but it would have taken more than six-year-old insight to figure out that one. In fact you imply that by saying it took forever, though to a six-year old, a month is forever! So it would be best to end it as 'Why I didn't have a single friend in the world'. It leaves the time indeterminate.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1548522 Unavailable **
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177
Review of Ears or Kids  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Dr Taher writes again! . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


This is part of the Challengers Reviews for this week. I chose your story because I had to see what this was about. Of course I knew it was not actually a gruesome tale about difficulty in choosing between well shaped ears or offspring, your intro and the fact that I knew you were a paediatrician helped.


*Flower5* The Title: It left me breathless in shock for a bare half-second. I imagined some ransom demand and other equally gruesome possibilities! Then your intro slowed my racing pulse and I chided myself for not taking your job as kiddie doc into consideration. Blame it on a hyperactive imagination! *Laugh* But it made me plunge into the read, so tick that off as an effective title!

*Flower5* The Beginning: You tell the tale well, I would definitely classify this as a short story. The contradictory beginning captures the attention, then the back-story takes over with its slower pace and self-deprecating humour. I loved the way you detailed the various attributes of a child.

However, I have this distaste for brackets - I feel they disrupt concentration on the issue at hand. Sort of like whispered asides distract you from what the lecturer is saying. Could you not make each quality and the bracketed comment into a separate sentence, the two bits separated by a dash? Instead of this one long multi-bracketed sentence? You do have brackets elsewhere but those could be either omitted, some things not requiring clarification at all, or substituted by pop-notes/foot-notes.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting has to be a hospital, but that remains in the sketchy background. It doesn't matter, there's too much rip-roaring funny stuff going on in the foreground for us to even bother.

*Flower5* The Characters: Doc. you sure make yourself out to be a bumbler, exaggerating what was the kind of ineptitude most of us face in our internships. I hope Dr. Kirtane enjoys being immortalised in your prose. Since you only say good things about him, he should. We'll forgive him his one outburst, he did have a lot to bear!

*Flower5* The Descriptions: You add these in where required, the description of Angry Asgar was a hoot! The fact that one cannot 'see' either you or your ENT registrar is something that I would not call a deal-breaker. If it was there, I would applaud with more vim, but even now I'm going to applaud.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Hrrrgghh-hrrrgggh. If your patients could only read this - wait a minute - some of them must have grown up sufficiently to able to. I hope they see the joke! *Laugh*

Cheer up, Doc. My patients don't remember me if I do my job well, as an anaesthetist I have to prevent them having any unpleasant memories of their visit to the OT! *Bigsmile*

*Flower5* What I liked: The ironic wit, the ability to poke fun at oneself, the honesty. Thanks for letting us 'know' you.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: Too busy chortling to get the hiccups. Sorry!



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

Jyo
SP CHALLENGER SIG
178
178
Review of On the Chance  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Mara ♣ McBain . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


This is part of the Challengers Reviews for this week. I chose your story because I have always admired the deft way you weave a story, I couldn't go wrong by choosing this double winner!


*Flower5* The Title: I thought the phrase was 'On the Off-chance"? That would contain a pun too. But the title works because it suggests the seizing of the moment, taking a chance, especially around the holiday season is an attractive concept.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning sets the scene both physically and emotionally, it has good imagery and introduces two of the three main characters. It does most of what is asked from a beginning.

*Flower5* The Setting: Another bit that is efficiently achieved, most of it at that beginning, but the church and the service is taken care of with as much detail.

"The flickering candles held Carlie enthralled as the sermon droned on." The flickering concentration is symbolized by those flickering candles. Good job! *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* The Characters: Carlie and Mark, not much physical description, yet the reader feels they are visible. It is because so much emotional information is provided. If word counts a limits permit, a few lines to show the former would not be amiss. Maybe as 'her eyes flew to his' it could become 'her astonished grey eyes flew to his pleading brown ones'? Oof! Cliche-d, I know. Use your own words and opportunity for description. *Laugh*

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Who am I to argue with success? It is not even a habit I pursue with dedication. Yet, every time I see it, I understand what my good friend Max means when he implores me to eschew adverbs in my writing. I try not so much to achieve zero adverbs, but I do try and replace some, after a 'head count' of them. You too use adverbs as freely as I, I confess to that failing. Do you think you might want to re-think their use? Let me show you how the description might be strengthened by abjuring adverbs:

"Determinedly she pushed those thoughts aside and put on a small smile" Just a slight change to 'She pushed those thoughts aside and put on a small determined smile'. Do you think the change converts it to 'showing' from 'telling'? I leave it to you.

Yet some of your descriptions were great "I couldn't carry a tune in a bucket" What a great metaphor, it is original, is it not? Or even "“Too many scrapes like that will rub the freckles right off ya girl,” the affable Irishman teased" - there was plenty to admire.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Oh, was this in response to the picture prompt in the site contest? It would have fit in pretty well too. I understand how it won those laurels, it is well-crafted and creates a heart-tugging emotional tale.

*Flower5* What I liked: It has to be the detailed back-story that was effortlessly slipped in. Sometimes it is difficult to do without intruding or interrupting present narrative, but this was well done. Introducing the letter was a stroke of genius.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

The first line indent is not consistent, is that deliberate? It is not only dialogue, but other lines too, that have this missing. BTW, dialogue gets the usual indent, just like a para, or so I am given to understand.

"The footbridge leading to the chapel was slick under foot and large, fluffy snowflakes accumulated on the hood of her cream wool coat" I think the comma would be more appropriate after 'underfoot' (one word). The differing actions/occurrences would thus be separated.

" A small smile turned her lips" This is her second 'small smile', repeats weaken the previous usage. Why not 'her lips trembled with the faint beginnings of a smile'?

"with the passing of their beloved wives at too early of an age" The simplest form is 'at an early age'; if you wish to retain the 'too' at least cut out the 'of'.

"Your daddy knew what he was talking about when he told you that you could do better than the likes of me, no matter his reasoning." I think that if one does not agree with the reasoning, one cannot say that he knew what he was talking about. One can however say that 'he was right', 'no matter how flawed his reasoning'. Do you agree?



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

Jyo
SP CHALLENGER SIG
179
179
Review of Hard Times in NYC  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Ben Langhinrichs . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


This is part of the Challengers Reviews for this week. I chose your story because I once read your name as Ben Laughing Riches and the image has stuck in my brain. I look forward to your stories because they live up to the misread name.


*Flower5* The Title: Well, it is not something lyrical or a flight of fancy, it contains no profound truths or cryptic allusions. Yet by mentioning the 'Big Apple' and Hard Times together, it promised to be fast paced and action packed. Sufficient inducement.

*Flower5* The Beginning: What a beginning. The first sentence strikes gold, a cracker-jack opening line, if I ever read one. It has setting, a great metaphor and makes one sit up and lean into the read in rapt attention. "Grey storm clouds scuttled across the sky like roaches scattering when the kitchen light flicks on."

*Flower5* The Setting: Well achieved by the use of some great lines right at the beginning. The comparison to the Labours of Hercules (Augean Stables) and the monetary situation was a blast!

*Flower5* The Characters: The characters are not directly described, it is by deft suggestion. For instance we learn that Slim is not trustworthy and that one should expect him to actually achieve the opposite of what he intends by this line:
"Slim's plan had gone poorly from the start. A "sure thing, Johnny", he'd said, which should have clued me in it was destined to failure." It is also ironic and continues with the leit-motif of sarcastic wit.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Your similes and metaphors are superb. I loved each and very one. I will not try and give example as I might end up having to quote the whole write. Suffice it to say that the attention does not wander until that last shot, the Parthian shot of parting shots!

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: There are a lot of potential aphorisms in there, the character could become famous for his narrative style, like Mickey Spillane's Mike Hammer.

"The plan was simple, I'll give it that, but simple and lousy isn't a hell of a lot better than complex and lousy - just less strain on the brain"

Are you kidding, you have to give this guy more space, develop him into a series. He is just bad enough to be attractive, still has enough brains to continue to be that, has a great sense of humour (Okay, I realise that's yours, but transferred epithet and all ...?), he has even got himself an appealing love interest!

Definitely expand into more stories! This one is fine as it is, no happy ending required for resolution.

*Flower5* What I liked: The self-deprecating humour that breathes through every line of the write, the great descriptions, the fast-paced action, inconsequential though it turns out. I was breathless with laughing at the end! Thanks for a great read!

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: No hiccups here, this was one smooth read.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

Jyo
SP CHALLENGER SIG
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180
Review of Pet Store Friends  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Beck Firing back up! . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


This is part of the Challengers Reviews for this week. I chose your story because I saw from your handle that you won a fishing tourney - cool! So I had go fishing in your port? Nothing fishy about that, is there? *Laugh*


*Flower5* The Title: Writer's Cramps are tough, take a prompt, use only 300 words or less, and submit within 24 hours. While still trying to have a life! So I wouldn't ask as much of these as in other writes. But this title was a bit tame, was it not? Setting aside the setting? *Laugh* Could you change it now, or would that not be allowed? Give it some thought.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I liked every other bit of the story. The dialogue between the pets was 'cute' to employ an overused but apt word, otherwise known as cliche. *Laugh* Just a friendly word, instead of 'said' use other options that show action: "“Hey!” Rollings said to his possible new pal." How about '“Hey!” Rollings greeted his possible new pal.' Lesser words, too!

*Flower5* The Setting: The pet store is deftly woven in through the antics of Rollings and his 'showing off' the place. Just that glimpse of the aisle and the section with 'tennis balls and all kinds of stuff', in this short story, it was enough.

*Flower5* The Characters: Oh, the two dogs are well described, the exuberance and extroversion of one, the tentative and bruised spirit of the other opening up to the former.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The little things make a big difference. Taking this from an unusual POV makes it immediately stand out, the slight modification of GKW to 'Dog-knows-what' is another example of how this rises above the merely mundane.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It has a problem that is not obviously stated, but it exists all the same. The withdrawn nature of the second dog, Janie. The pup talk, err, pep talk given by Rollings is the impetus required for her to heal. Well done!

*Flower5* What I liked: It does not have the classic fairy tale ending, or any goo-ey emotion. Just a brief flirting with weightier matters as one enjoys this romp through a pet store. Well done, subtlety wins over bludgeoning, in my book.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

“I know.” Janie’s tail *Check3* between her legs." For this sentence to be complete I think the word 'was' requires to be inserted at the check mark.




Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

Jyo
SP CHALLENGER SIG
181
181
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello ~WhoMe???~ . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


This is part of the Challengers Reviews for this week. I chose your story because of the great title and the fact that the ribbon that adorns it was awarded by some whose writing I also greatly admire.


*Flower5* The Title: Great title and I appreciate the fact that it is echoed just before the superb Parthian shot of an ending. What a 'take' on the phrase, superb!

*Flower5* The Beginning: This goes the conventional route, not that it is any less effective for doing so. The beginning is slow and lazy and takes time to create a setting. This is required, the problem could not exist unless this blissful existence is first outlined. Well done.

*Flower5* The Setting: As I have said above, this is well done. It is the highlight of the piece, the strong base upon which the perfect ending reposes.

*Flower5* The Characters: Oh, it is not a mono-act, Father Winter appears too. He has a large role to play. We are shown him in great detail and even glimpse his motivation and purpose. Another *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* The Descriptions: If I had to pick only one thing to laud, it would be this element. You get it right in the beginning when all is welcoming and warm, you get it even more on-the-nailhead when the storm starts. I single out this one line as example: "Snow that was being blown so hard and so fast, it felt like little pellets of heat igniting my skin."

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I think I should just scratch that section below - 'What I liked'. There was no single thing to like, it was way beyond liking and it encompassed the whole write - I found I could not single out any part. If you want an enjoyable read folks, just walk right in!

*Flower5* What I liked: It had great imagery, created suspense even without one realising it, only the release of breath in that great laugh at the end showed that one was holding it in the first place!

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"I couldn't see it, but still sensed it's (its) approach" Its and it's, your and you're, their and they're, all commonly interchanged words. The best way to check for correct usage is to expand the contracted form and see if it fits, then reduce it to the abbreviated form again. Remember 'its' implies possession, 'it is' states the current situation of something.

"leaving just enough warmth that you contemplated taking off your long sleeve shirt" 'long-sleeved' would probably be a better option.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

Jyo
SP CHALLENGER SIG
182
182
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Princess Megan Rose 22 Years . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


This is part of the Challengers Reviews for this week. I chose your story because you were true to your guiding spirit - the loyal wolf. You showed great loyalty in giving me over a 100 reviews last month. I had to come an review at least one of your items.


*Flower5* The Title: Titles are like hats, they are great help in attracting readers, in creating the desire to look for the person under the hat. It can arrest a roving eye, intrigue and capture the imagination. Unless your lesson assignments have to be titled by name and number, try for something that fits the tale within. Maybe 'Wolf Pup, Feather Dove and Spirits', or "How Feather Dove found Grandma Wolf-Pup'.

*Flower5* The Beginning: You use simple words that fit the native style in the story. I am not sure if you intend the language to be slightly 'different'? But it can not be distinguished from error unless you state your intention. For instance, in the very first sentence: "Feather Dove was so glad her tribe had went to bed." It should be 'gone to bed'. A perception of error so early in the tale might make some readers back off.

*Flower5* The Setting: This was done well. The word were simple yet the images were vivid. Well done. I especially liked the lines below.

" Crickets were chirping and fish were jumping in the lake and she got splashed once. She giggled because it tickled."

*Flower5* The Characters: Feather Dove is the one character to stand out in fine detail, so she should, she is the heroine, in more ways than one. We don't get much physical detail, but her motives and feelings are well detailed. You could add in the former, if you choose - just a couple of details. How tall was she? What was she wearing? Was her hair loose or bound? It would help us to bond with her.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The descriptions disappear as the action and pace picks up, almost as if you are hurrying to get to the end. If there is no word limit or count, it might enhance the write to add more description in the latter half.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: This is a gentle tale that keeps to what we know of the Native Indians from folk lore. It might be that the tribe is too generic, we know not what tribe they are. But in this short tale it matters little.

The little girl gaining a belief and faith from personal experience rings true. Children do question older beliefs, until they have reason to conform.

*Flower5* What I liked: I liked learning about another culture. It is heartwarming to read that this lives on. The last sentence was a marvel. A variation of that fairy tale staple - 'they all lived happily ever after'.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"their arms were tied behing their backs" 'behind'

"Feather Dove and "Grandma" stayed back in the woods" This line is almost repeated word for word later as 'Feather Dove and her "Grandma" stayed back'. Repetition of this type slows down action. The same action, even if repeated, should be altered by description. "Feather Dove and "grandma" were careful not to be seen"

"A big sound of thunder was heard and several hundred buffalo were stampeding!" Perhaps the use of 'loud' would be more appropriate? The conjunction, 'and', could be omitted, a semi-colon put in - to make it -: 'A loud sound of thunder was heard; several hundred buffalo were stampeding!'


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

Jyo
SP CHALLENGER SIG
183
183
Review of The Key  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello NickiD89 . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


This is part of the Challengers Reviews for this week. I chose your story because I loved the pun in the title. I like titles tha have the touch of the unusual.


*Flower5* The Title: As I said, I loved the pun and its allusion to the phrase 'under lock and key'. It proved to have many more shades of meaning after the read. It was effective in arresting one's attention and in enticing one into the read. Good work.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning has no readying of the mind for the emotional explosion, no creation of setting. It bursts upon us in one tearful outburst from an overcharged girl. She is old enough to drive, but for all that, she is still a girl. The explanations come later, from the gentle interaction, with bits of back-story, and the whole scene is set. It is strangely effective.

*Flower5* The Setting: You have the elements down pat, you add them in without visible effort. "The lush, wildflower-speckled countryside beyond the windshield reduced to a roiled rainbow as bitter tears stung Samantha’s eyes" The outside environment is described, the emotional one is detailed and we get to savour a great bit of description like 'roiled rainbow', I can picture the colours blurring together as tears from in the eyes. Bravo.

*Flower5* The Characters: Mom-mom, that is so sweet - 'twice the mother anyone could ask for'. It is little gems like this that make a character stand out from the pages in 3-D. The mother-daughter relationship is well described, the warmth and understanding are clear for all to see.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The smell of fresh grass that floods through the open car windows, the drone of insects that hangs in the perfumed air, you make the countryside come alive for us. It is not some flights of lyrical fancy, just simple words of what one could find. It is equally effective in creating the image, just as some photos can be as breathtakingly poignant as any painting.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The tale had an unusual resolution but one that satisfied, it was not 'happy' but it erased a lot of pain.

The support given to the girl by her adoptive mother was clear and heart-warming.

The progression of events was plausible and required no leaps of imagination.

The contents of the cottage, all the paintings, with questions a loving and grieving mother did not allow herself to resolve for fear her daughter would be hurt - it was so emotionally wrenching I had tears in my eyes.

*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the unusual take you had on the prompt, many of the other stories were crime or horror based, yours was real life.

I liked the descriptions and the simple method of tale telling. I liked the dialaogue that rang true.

Oh, why not just say - I liked it all!

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"Marla’s fleshy bosom rose and fell as she chuckled." The rest of your description is so spot on, I hesitate to ask - but do you feel 'fleshy' is the best adjective to describe a bosom? Not 'ample', or perhaps the other direction - 'scrawny'? All bosom is flesh, after all.

"A guilty blush crept across her face in the glow of that stare." Stares have a glow to them? I found that one caused a little pause in the read.

" The road traversed a tall, grassy field flanked on all sides by evergreen-dominated forest" Are you sure the comma placement is immaculate in there? Read it aloud and re-check. I thought another might be indicated after 'field'; I'm not too sure the first is required.

"Into view appeared a quaint, white building with large windows overlooking a lake" The building appeared first? Then one sees the windows overlook a lake? 'Into view appeared ...'? Is that the way you want it to start? I found it a tad stilted in construction that way.

" Rollercoaster riding was one of her favorite childhood activities" 'had been' surely, not 'was'?

"I don’t get it?” she whispered." It means that she did not understand it, not that she is asking if she receives something. I thought it was more a statement, than query, myself.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

Jyo
SP CHALLENGER SIG
184
184
Review of Anniversary Party  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Jaye P. Marshall . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


This is part of the Challengers Reviews for this week. I chose your story because I thought something good enough to be the pick of a Romance"love Newsletter twice, it should be good enough for me.


*Flower5* The Title: The title was apt, no arguing upon that point. It had some depth to its meaning too. It did however fail to attract by some striking image or idea association, it failed to intrigue and draw within. The anniversary was a golden one, something rare, yet the title fails to give any hint of that. It was an anniversary that brought deep understanding of the mutual bonds, yet that too is not remotely seen. "Not-so-golden Anniversary" Or "Golden Bonds" could be more attractive. It is always your decision where you wish to go with your title, I'm am merely illustrating alternative paths.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I loved that first line, "Gerry Lewis lay in her bed while dreams played against her closed eyelids" This is the stuff of which memorable stories are weaved. It perfectly captures the moment just before one wakes up. Kudos.

*Flower5* The Setting: Not much setting in the physical sense. The emotional setting was well detailed. Since the emphasis is on the latter, the paucity of the former is not that great a lack.

*Flower5* The Characters: Name choices for the characters are so important. I had a story, set in India (most of tales are in my own country) and I had named the characters Rati and Ravi. I knew the meaning of the names, here we go more by rhyming end syllables for similarity than first letters, but the names did 'echo'. After a long and hard re-think I changed one of the names completely. Rati became 'Yasmin'. The hilarious part was that I used an application in 'Word' to find all occurrences of 'Rati' and change it to 'Yasmin', so 'admiration' and 'exploration' became 'admiyasminaon' and 'exployasminon'! *Laugh*

Ooops! *swings rambling self back on track* I mean Gerry and Sherry are echoing too.

I loved it that you introduce external characters for meaning, not filling. The physiotherapist has a role to play in Gerry's sudden decision. The humour in her internal dialogue contrasts well with her dark depression a tad later.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: You do a lot of things well, but this one must be your forte. Let me single out another bit that caught my eye for a perfectly created image, one that brought the scene to life in one's mind's eye: "An excruciating pain shot through her leg, its agony knotting her stomach with nausea. "

Yet, one does not actually have much physical description of any of the characters, the emotional make-up is there, the face itself isn't.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I thought this was a great story, the problem was an occurrence that happens to the elderly all the time, a fall and broken bones. The Conflict was real enough and not all that uncommon, either. The resolution was gentle, reaffirming and equally real. The last line was a superb ending. Mundane, but with a world of meaning.Well done. *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* What I liked: In the midst of clamity was a great sense of humour, someone with that wry outlook will always pull through. If you can laugh at yourself, the world will help you get up from a fall.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"She startled awake" No mistake there, yet I thought the meaning was not as clear as it would have been with the more mundane 'she awoke with a start'. You can't please everybody all of the time, so I understand that you are perfectly correct to have chosen your version of those words.

"There must be yellow roses and bridal wreath in each of the champagne buckets" Either 'a bridal wreath' or 'bridal wreaths', depending on how lavish the decorations were to be!

"Her fingers tentatively explored the canvas splint encasing her entire leg." A canvas splint? For a shattered knee? In an old osteoporotic lady? I think we should take a second opinion.

"Gerry's looked up and blinking her eyes, finally brought Sherry's face into focus." No apostrophe required, 'Gerry' will do. Maybe an extra comma after 'looked up'?



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

Jyo
SP CHALLENGER SIG
185
185
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello ԜԜ On The Road Again! , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing frenzy for


SP CHALLENGER SIG

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Item/Genre/Rating Choices: The folder promises family stories on the comical style, I have read your 'hold your ribs to prevent cracking from the bouts of laughter' editorials in the Comedy Newsletter, You are one heck of a tale teller. What more reason would I need to step inside? Oh, your genre ratings gave it to me, "Food/Cooking" was the cherry on the icing on the cake! I don't know why this was called a monologue, if dialogue has conversation between two or more people, monologue should have only one person talking - right? It wasn't the best choice for item type, in my mind.

*Flower5* The Title: Oooh, this one was rib-cracking hilarious. I knew of the allusion, but it nevertheless created a vivid image. The intro took our anticipation of a delicious treat to new levels.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I had a quibble at that first sentence itself. Not at the first read - I like to get a good bite of your stories and let the taste delight me, I later took another bite - I mean look! "It still makes me laugh to this day" "It still makes me laugh' and 'it makes me laugh to this day' are both essentially the same thing. Repetition is not always required for impact, certainly not here.

Then the tense 'shimmer' in that first para confused me (I'm darn easy to confuse and confound, don't worry), the first line is present tense. I'm no expert but would you say the second was too? Because what makes you laugh today is not the sight of that line, but the memory of it.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting of that one sublime culinary feat is well created and maintained, but it began to pall after a while. Initially the thought of these hot 'n' spicy treats enthralled, later I wanted more description. Something about its texture, its smell, the ingredients (no, don't give out the secret recipe, just let other cultures and people know exactly what these are - chicken wings is it? Marinated and rolled in flour and deep-fried? Show us how your fingers roll it, dust it, dip it, arrange it. Tell us of your struggles to find the ingredients, or detail the ease of doing so. Let us make those along with you.

*Flower5* The Characters: I could not 'see' you at all. The bio-block gave me a clearer picture. *Bigsmile* I realise you want this to be a an almost-rant, a monologue, but it has already morphed into an almost-story!

*Flower5* The Descriptions: You do this one effortlessly, the rich vein of self-deprecating humour sparkles through the vivid images. I loved one line for the deft alliteration you throw in, it might slip by some, but I pounced on it as though it were a - um - buffalo wing!
"patrol a platter filled with perfectly placed mouthwatering poultry portions" *thmumbsup*

*Flower5* What I liked: You can make the telephone directory into something humourous. I always look forward to your say on anything, I might not agree, but I'll have an enjoyable read.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Your writing is impeccable in presentation and format, spelling and grammar. Just one teeny tiny issue, it would help me as much if you took a stance for or against.

There were a few words where I wondered if a hyphen was required. Opinion is so evenly divided on this one that one can never be 'wrong'. I just point them out in case you want to re-think the issue: hot-winged, cast-iron, after-schoolers.

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
186
186
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


This is part of the Challengers Reviews for this week. I chose your story because the title was so evocative.


*Flower5* The Title: The title did everything I would ask from a title. It created a graphic and vivid image, it suggested the theme behind the tale but gave away nothing of its direction or resolution. It intrigued, it enticed, it captured the imagination. Kudos on a difficult job well done.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The first line is poignant and stark in its raw emotion. It is a pity that a couple of the succeeding sentences are slightly confusing. "I watched helplessly the day you were taken from my life, no longer here to lift me up" It seems as though the survivor was a witness, yet one line later you have 'they say it was an accident'. Would he not know? Obviously if she was taken from him, she is no longer there to lift him up. That is still a different statement of fact though, it does not belong in the same sentence.

"They say it was an accident but that makes no difference." Makes no difference to what? The next line does mention that 'you still left your physical body behind ..." but it does not make it obvious that this was just as inevitable and irrevocable despite the actual collision not being deliberate but accidental. I am sure you know exactly what you mean to say, do you feel it is as clear to the reader?

*Flower5* The Setting: It would have been effective to give a hint of setting, the mundane details to contrast with the anguish felt. Maybe the 'box that carries the empty shell' could be described in a word or two? (If there was a 500 word limit, there are 12 words still to spare) You could even shorten some of the sentences without changing one iota of meaning : For example - "I wish it was all just a bad nightmare and that I would wake in your arms with a feeling of relief." The 'with a feeling of relief' can be shortened to 'feeling relieved'. There are other places too.

*Flower5* The Characters: One does not get to see either of the characters, neither the one lost or the one losing. The smile that was 'brighter than any sun', could be described - 'that smile that started in your merry eyes and traveled to your lips, always pulling more to the left. It warmed me more than any sun that rose over our East wall and lit up our added-on askew cottage.' Whatever words you choose, one needs just a glimpse of characters and setting.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The same things are repeated, the sun, the smile, the anguish that nobody can comprehend and the isolation and inability to live. All perfectly 'real' emotions, yet it is true that unless one is drawn into the emotion, people will not linger over grief or grieving. Don't tell, show.

"The day of your funeral arrives and It is fitting that there are black clouds overhead with no sun in sight. That’s how I’ve been feeling since the day my smile left as the horror unfolded before my eyes." That could become: "Outside the funeral service somebody handed me an umbrella, murmuring that it was so cloudy it might rain. To tell you the truth I hadn't noticed; since the day you left, it's all been grey to me." 40 and 38 words respectively, I think there's not much difference in information imparted. You can, of course come up with whatever you want, if you feel you need to.

BTW - the 'it', why is it capitalized?

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: If a contest entry states the prompt and the word count I feel it makes the job of a reviewer easy. The reader might be satisfied with just the read, the reviewer needs to know how innovative the response was to the prompt, how fitting too. If most of the words available were made use of, whether any remained to rectify some lacunae? I have seen 600 word entires to a 1000 or under requirement. But that entry must be immaculate in concept delivery, character presentation, setting creation, problem resolution, in short, in all aspects. Verbose expansion is not what I would recommend, but if the words are available, explore strengthening. I actually do the opposite, I first write, write, write. Then I go back and prune the 'extras', it seems to work - some of the time, at least!


*Flower5* What I liked: The stark emotion drips from every line, the raw feelings are real to anyone who has experienced loss. It is difficult to judge a writing this personal. If it is based on real events, I am sorry for my intrusion. If not, you created that picture in a very plausible way.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"That’s how I’ve been feeling since the day my smile left as the horror unfolded before my eyes." The image of a smile leaving is a repeat, but it can still be effective. To add the other repeat, of a horror unfolding before the eyes, negates both.

"The service ends and the crowds filter out." If a crowd thins out, or files out, or even disappears, I'd understand. To filter means, some things are retained, some are discarded, who was which? Did the family stay back? Did friends?It is not clear

"Reality sinks in and I know that this nightmare will forever haunt my dreams. I may never sleep until next we meet." To remark in a lighter vein, at least if he never sleeps, he won't have nightmares! *Laugh* To prevent quibblers like me pointing that out, you could consider mentioning something about life becoming a 'waking nightmare'.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

Jyo
SP CHALLENGER SIG
187
187
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Joy . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


*Flower1* What makes a poem? For me the answer is that it has to create either one detailed image, built layer by layer, or else a series of mental 'snapshots'. It should also speak to the heart. Yours did all of that. There's no need then for devices or props like rhyme or meter. When you can do without, as in this delightful marvel of imagery, they become less device and more props.

*Flower1* Some words are used in an unusual way to create undreamt of shades of meaning. Like: 'the sun,
with articulate warmth,
painting the park' articulate warmth, a warmth that speaks. Or the use of the incongruous adjective for 'grin'; you make it 'cantankerous'. Superb use of the oxymoron.

*Flower1* The description of the game with its tensions transfered to the pieces and their movement, that was another master-stroke. I loved the bit about 'gasping, almost there' and then you think about four or five steps ahead!

*Flower1* The last verse makes it about more than just chess games in the park, it becomes about life itself. Well done. You had me from start to finish.

*Flower1* Thank you for an enjoyable read.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
188
188
Review of Thinking of You  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello ecap . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.



*Flower1* You have not yet set your bio-block, so I am unable to get a glimpse of the writer beyond the words. I hope you find the site gives you all that you want to get from it, welcome.

*Flower1* This is a free verse poem, no attempt at rhyme or rhythm, still a legitimate choice. There are fragments in the poem that are enigmatic and opposite, fleeting images that mirror each other. Like in the opening line: "Broken promises, unfulfilled dreams". They have an appeal.

*Flower1* There is also the use of the lowercase 'i' for the self. It is another appealing device, it indicates loss of self esteem. To be consistent, even in places where I'm is used, since it is a contraction of 'I am', the same system should be followed. "So I'm left to sit"

*Flower1* The state is in the present, a confused self-realisation, but the end has not yet reached resolution. It seems as though it has, a certain bitterness comes across - but the end slips back - into a journey without a destination. I am not sure at that point what exactly we were meant to see. The pain is clear, the self-loathing, the beginning to 'coming out of it' - just the end is still shrouded.

*Flower1* Of course, to you, the author, it is lucid and sparkling clear. To the reader, who is uninformed, it needs some clarity. Some amount of haziness is attractive, beyond that it becomes the opposite.

*Flower1* In one place - "with the lies your speaking" , I think that is meant to be - 'you are - you're'.

*Flower1* Thank you for this profound bit of your emotions, I enjoyed the pondering.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
For use by Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers
189
189
Review of God  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Suki . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

Suki, as someone who has been on this site for nearly two years now, let me extend a warm welcome. We would like to get to know you, do take the time to set your bio-block when you can spare the time, just a couple of lines to let us glimpse the writer behind the words.

*Flower1* I think this was definitely inspirational, it would have made a spectacularly thoughtful and heart-warming greeting at Christmas.

*Flower1* It talks of things we have all seen, but through your eyes, with the messages and life's learnings that you have made of them.

*Flower1* The faith you have in that higher power is deep and infinite. I pray that it stands in you in good stead, filling your heart with strength and warmth and love and light.

*Flower1* There were a couple of lines in there that were not absolutely word perfect, but they were not wrong either. The message was so enriching, so affirming, I cannot dissect those words.

*Flower1* Thank you for a wonderful read.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
For use by Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers
190
190
Review of I'll try - Edited  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Sweet Ry . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower1* Ryan Samson, you are a veteran of one fortnight on site, I like no-nonsense confidence in your bio-block. It would be perfect to complement that with an immaculate set of words. Yours says 'names' instead of 'named'. Just a friendly 'heads-up'.

*Flower1* I find myself strangely out of sync when it comes to lyrics and songs. I think I can fit into this new classification of handicap called 'musically challenged'! *Laugh* So, do the lines have to be a poem, or is it pretty much 'anything goes'? I ask because the second line, in the first verse itself, seemed incomplete, it just did not make sense as it stood.
"How could you pretend to love me
Have I been fooled by"
In the written version at least, could not something like an 'en dash' or an 'ellipsis' be used?

*Flower1* Is there supposed to be a rhyming pattern? A cadence - a rhythm? The chorus with its line repetitions and refrains was the only thing to even remotely float within my understanding. But, this is obviously my lack more than yours.

*Flower1* If one is singing, this is irrelevant, but in the written version -
"Your still apart of me" 'You're (you are) still a part' - (two word, otherwise the meaning reverses).

And in the chorus, is 'lay' the word you want, or would 'lie' be a better choice? I refer you to a higher authority for resolution of the impasse, if you would like to consult. "Lay vs. Lie" 

*Flower1* I liked the last line, it gives the song a power kick at the end. Good job. *Thumbsup*




Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
For use by Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers
191
191
Review of A Masterpiece  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Jazz Smith . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

Well Jazz Smith, it seems you would like to wander these by-lanes of ours, as an older inhabitant, I am delighted to welcome you to the nurturing and friendly warmth.

*Flower1* I see you are both talented and assured, your bio-block tells us of a passionate and concerned soul. Your port tells us you are a multifaceted individual. Appopros the the visibility one can potentially gain for ones items here on WDC. Keep the first impressions impeccable.

*Flower1* The Bio was lyrical and poetic, but something that was perhaps a typo was what caught my eye - "May my beauty or animation not impale you, but my words covet you with bliss" Is that 'covet' or 'cover'?

*Flower1* Each of your items has something known as an item 'content rating'. This is set at the default of (----) - that is so something with non-E content rating is not accidentally set up as 'E' content, even that material should not inappropriately tagged by any default. But, the public pages recognise that (----) default as equal to the highest rating - like 'x' the unknown would be presumed more than the largest number - so your item will not show up there or on site searches. A pity to lose potential readers, don't you think?

*Flower1* The awe of a parent holding a child for the first time is something like the portrayal in your poem. It could also be expressive of any lover and the object of his desire, in fact stereotyped response was taking me down another road, when I glanced at your intro. I am a glutton for misdirection, it seems like magic to me. If you do not let us know that from the intro, but let the last lines of the poem surprise us, how would that be?

*Flower1* One little quibble in there, "something so devine" That is 'divine', is it not?

*Flower1* There's no attempt to make this rhyme, no meter or line arrangement into regular verses. Just a free-wheeling thought born of ecstatic love. The last line brings new meaning to the words.

*Flower1* Thanks for letting us have a peep into this emotional bit of thought.



Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
For use by Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers
192
192
Review of Daffodils Haiku  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello peach . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower1* I swear they are getting younger and younger, the other day one of the students in the graduating class had the look of some fresh out of high school! It holds true here too, on WDC, they are also getting to be savvy and smart and so darn bright one doesn't need to show 'em around! It might be time to dust off my rocking-chair and get myself some dentures and a hearing aid. I am talking of YOU, newbies!

*Flower1* A haiku expert yet, one who then knows the plural of haiku, is haiku! Pleased to meet you. I cannot imagine what I could possibly say that would be of any use as feedback or input. Shall just tip my hat to you in respect and back gently out? *Laugh* No, I think I will ask you for help, instead.

*Flower1* Is the use of all lower case and absence of punctuation a special form? Or is it there to make some subtle point that I have missed?

*Flower1* I'm not even going into your choice of classical 5-7-5 format, or use of seasonal word etc. etc. But was the 'turn' demonstrated by the change in pace? The quiet blooming in contrast to the sudden weather change? The profound question of which came first?


*Flower1* It was a charming read. The image was sharp and attractive, apposite too. Only one bit of advice, I'd let the title be just "Daffodils" - leave out the explanatory 'Haiku'. One can't go wrong there, after WW did not title his famous verse 'Daffodils - a poem in iambic tetrameter'. *Bigsmile*


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
For use by Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers
193
193
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello SummerLyn Guthrie . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

This is part of the Thank You package from JBIWT

*Flower1* This is a gentle and understanding tale. It shows great empathy between grand-mother and grand-daughter, as often happens. It has a great fable within, along with a deeper and enigmatic twist. Soft and subtle, infinitely beautiful - just like the blossoms of the Dogwood tree. I thought the title was a prefect cap for the write.

*Flower1* The language was simple, a good choice; it was the emotional impact that drove this tale, nothing else was required.

*Flower1* The formatting stuttered a bit, the one line spacing between paragraphs was not consistent. The red font used made the story more 'flower-like'. I am not fond of the use of colour as a rule, but here I liked it.

*Flower1* There were a couple of points where I had to stop and ponder the exact meaning. I realise much of this can be due the cultural differences, I am from India and the terms we use here, might not coincide with that current where you reside.

"She smiled when she saw me coming out of the back screened door holding two glasses of lemonade." Would you say 'back screened door' or 'screened back door'?

""Here you go Grandma!" handing her the cold tall glass." It works fine as two sentences: "Here you go Grandma!" I handed her the cold tall glass.

Otherwise a dialogue tag is required, something other than the bland 'I said' variety. You make some good alternative choices later on in the write, with 'I proclaimed' and 'she continued'.

I'm no expert at this, but I thought the tense wandered a bit. Wouldn't you say so from this example? "Here I was 16 now, and I still love to listen to Grandma as she talks of days of old." You use 'I was' but ' love to listen', not 'loved to listen' or 'she talked'. I also thought a couple more commas were required in there, after the 'Here I was' at least?

*Flower1* I had moist eyes at the end of the read. Thank you for allowing me to read this lovely story. No wonder it won accolades.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Between Friends  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello SummerLyn Guthrie . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered. This is part of your JBIWT 'Thank You' package.



*Flower1* I liked this immediately, the title told me it would be a tale of friendship, who wouldn't like a read on those lines? I liked the allusion to the phrase 'Just between friends'. I just loved the illustration that headed the piece. So many reasons to plunge into the read.

*Flower1* It is not exactly a story, there's no classic problem here, no conflict, no resolution needed. Yet there is a Beginning, Middle and End. It qualifies as a short story in my eyes, even if not in the classical mould.

*Flower1* The whole write was smooth, good formatting with clean one line inter-paragraph spacing, immaculate grammar, impeccable spelling, flawless construction. There was just this one sentence ... I admit I quibble about fine points ... "Kathleen was married twice, the last time to a logger from Lubbock, Texas" If the 'series' is only of two, rather than 'the last time', I'd go for 'the second time'. I'm obsessive-compulsive about tiny things like that. *bows head in shame*

*Flower1* Loved the umbrella motif, the bit about the coconuts was the highlight of the tale. It somehow seemed to symbolize the relationship, each willing to expend effort to break through the layers of tough covering to get at the sweet milk inside.

*Flower1* Thank you for an enjoyable read.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
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Review of Endless wants  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello His_Angel_01 . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

Hello, Mary danielle, I notice you drop the capital for the surname? You haven't set your bio-block, do give us an opportunity to know you more closely.

*Flower1* I see this is your favourite item type? Your port is already burgeoning with other pieces of poetry. You choose unusual devices to gain attention, keeping the title in lower case was one deft example. The two words are sort of infinite in their meaning, an expanding need, all too human. I thought it was effective and prepared us for the strikingly different presentation within.

*Flower1* It seemed like just a paragraph at first. Then the rhyme makes itself felt and a kind of off-kilter gallop rhythm does too. I laid it all out and gave it line breaks at the rhyming words, it is aabbcc etc all the way. Only the first two lines seem pretty top heavy that way, so I let 'em be a kind of abcb. The line length is too ragged for there to be any attempt at meter, but the effect is not unpleasing.

*Flower1* If the use of the 'i' in lower case is to suggest a diminishing sense of self, it is effective.

*Flower1* There were a couple of hiccups that i spotted - (those lower case are a great solution to the constant need for depressing that shift key! *Laugh*) - "as soft and beautiful as the skys" Either 'skies' or 'sky's'.

& "starring into empty stars" Is that inadvertent word association or a typo? I think you meant 'staring into empty stars'?

*Flower1* The imagery is powerful in places, I especially laud "my battle wounds are storyless scars" Thank you for an unusual read.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
For use by Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers
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Review of One of Those Days  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Ragster Go11 . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I see this piece has been written after a long hiatus, it must mean your Muse was also having 'one of those days'! I'm glad it woke up, do not let it slumber too long, you have a talent worth exploiting, whether as hobby or living.

Incidentally, while we are about it, the bio-block also has some typos within, let your first impression be a good one - change the 'no' to 'not' for clarity. Please don't let the sentences run away with you, put in those commas.

*Flower5* The Title: I am particularly demanding of this device, it should be exploited to the full. Yours is both apt and suggestive, creating some interest to read further. It is not out and out arresting but gains in meaning after the read.

*Flower5* The Beginning: It was one of those days. That is an emphatic start, the 'again' that is tacked on at the end of your first sentence weakens the image. Most of the rest is effective in 'setting' the tale, although I wonder if that first para should be divided in two by the dialogue?

I think you have an enthusiasm to write the story as it comes tumbling out of your fingers, that's fine. Just let the brain do a once over to catch mistakes that slow fingers made when overtaken by that agile mind.

I thought the introduction of the strong father-daughter bond right at the start was a deft touch. It lifted that part from the medium-good level to way past good.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting is strong, both emotional setting and the purely physical setting. I would say that descriptions and tone are what you do well. There's plenty, but not so much that the pace of the tale is slowed down. In an action packed mystery or thriller, it might be different. In this slower emotional tale, it was spot-on. The morning is shown in great detail, as is the college environment. I found a thread of humour in there that appealed to me, I like that quality to leaven all writes, even horror. I think it gives depth by the contrast. Opinions may differ upon that.

*Flower5* The Characters: Fareena is shown more by what she does and how or why she does it, rather than by any actual description. Yet, you slip in certain delicious bits of imagery - pun quite unintended! "“Look how you face’s swollen up,” he joked. “You look like a mango when you pout.”" The bits you do describe are unusual enough to stick in the mind and be remembered long after the read, with a soft half-chuckle of appreciation. "two beetle-black almond shaped eyes shot back a glare potent enough to wilt the most beautiful of flowers in an instant." I added in a hyphen for you at beetle-black, I think it is clearer that way.

Most of the characters behave in natural manner, except for the HOD. She gives Fareena only the message that she needs to go to the hospital. She does arrange for her to be taken there in her own car, but fails to comfort or give her any more information. The poor child would worry herself sick all the way. The mother too, she could have given the child good news in a less shocking way. Twists are all very good, but they must occur in a natural manner.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: A kind friend and good writer, but honest in reviewing, often reminds me of peppering my writes with adverbs. I do, my hand reaches for the adverb as a quick way to describe something in one word - 'quickly', rapidly', violently', can you spot any more? Well, these tend to 'tell' the reader something, it is more interesting to 'show' the action instead. For example:

"She downed the meal rapidly" How was the 'downing' rapid'? Did she make quick nervous bites? Did she shovel her food into her mouth until she looked like a squirrel with stuffed cheek pouches? Did she gulp the food without tasting, so that her Adam's apple looked more like a yo-yo? Whatever your choice of words and metaphor, show us, don't tell us.

You do get it right often, bits worth the lauding. "She slowed down into a kind of welcome dance, describing circles with her forelegs before prancing excitedly around her. " The first part of that sentence is an impeccable example of showing, the second part - you decide, I rest my case!

The story has some bits where the narrative changes from the POV of Fareena to 'omniscient'. How did the narrator know when Fareena walked into the HOD's office that the whoopee cushion had been deposited there 'one hour ago by an irate lecturer'? In order to be consistent, it could afford Fareena some amusement as she wondered which lecturer had found it proclaiming his taking a seat in a rather loud and inappropriate manner; she could picture it and control her laughter.

Lastly, I suggest you get the medical details perfect, terminology and accuracy matter. Try relations who are in the field or the ubiquitous net search engines.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: If I may make one suggestion - keep the inter-paragraph spacing even, there are bits where it seems missing, notably in the third para - does the new para begin with her downing her breakfast in a rapid manner, or not?

I am not a big fan of sentences within brackets, internal dialogue can be indicated with the use of italics, no other legitimate use of brackets comes to mind. Not in story-writing. Do take a look at that.

Now, for the good part - the story succeeds on many levels. It captures both attention and emotion. It creates a good mind's picture that is vivid and enjoyable. It has humour that relieves it of morbidity or catering only to tear-jerking. The end is good, bits of the middle are excellent. I especially loved the animal motif. Of course, your stories all have that, dogs have to feature in them.

The cows were a riot! *Laugh* Send some over to other campuses, will you, they should prove a boon to students who do not complete assignments. *Bigsmile* That said, a couple of lines to explain continual animal presence on campus, the tolerance and beliefs of the college founders, might help.

*Flower5* What I liked: I am amazed by your sure touch, the way you bring the campus to life. I thought the write showed a remarkable maturity and understanding of both emotions and of inter-personal relationships. You have your own style, one that makes for a quiet and enjoyable read. Since you have never 'learned' to write, it's all natural ability, try to add some rules and effort, you will find it worth your while. Meanwhile - Well done. *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* Suggestions:
Remember I make these suggestions not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a friendly and concerned reader who found a hiccup that marred smooth enjoyment.

"going against the norm of pearly white and with the more daring yellow" I do not think the conjunction is required to make that statement. Try leaving it out and see if that looks/sounds better.

“Look how you face’s swollen up,” he joked “You look like a mango when you pout.” It should be 'how your face is'; the apostrophe in the last word is better removed and expanded. I thought a period, or comma, after the word 'joked', would be appropriate.

"Acknowledging each with a toothless smile" Technically you are correct, but the more common understanding of a 'toothless smile' is not one that doesn't bare the teeth, but rather one that reveals the gums to be bare and toothless. It might be better to call it a 'clenched-lip' smile and add one of your delectable signature similes to make that memorable in our minds.

"Even allah couldn’t take your father from you until he were himself willing to go" Capital for God, whatever the form. Allah.

"acknowledging the breathless professor’s gratitude" I would use transposition of one word to make that more dramatic. 'the professor's breathless gratitude'. Do you agree?

“They were just dreams() beta,” he said reassuringly() “I’m not going anywhere.” Oooh! I hate this, I am more or less clueless about commas, but I rather thought a couple were indicated in there? I suggest them with the paired brackets, but please seek a higher authority; if I knew better - I'd have taught you!

Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

PS: If I have been tough on you - remember, I love you. If I have been honest, it is also because I love you! I am your mother after all! *Smile*

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Andrew's Legacy  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello SWPoet . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


*Flower1* The title makes it clear it is about something powerful, a lasting influence in some life. The opening lines are powerful in the image of a grieving heart.

*Flower1* The tale goes into minute detail about the grieving process, the anger, the hurt, the denial, the letting go and the relief and catharsis. It is so vivid and well portrayed some amount of personal pain has to have found its way in. The poem is a wonderful one, it offers healing to others. What I could not quite comprehend was whether Andrew dies a natural death or if there was something more. It is never spelled out, except for that one line. Not everybody will get the allusion from one reference. The links below establish it, but they are not part of the tale.

*Flower1* There are some typos, errors, spelling goofs, in there. What can be fixed with a quick look and Spell-check. A couple of places where a comma was needed, or a little sentence adjustment, I offer one example:

"What he did was so senseless and rediculous" 'ridiculous'

"Her tears, mixed with pollen, foromed little circles" 'formed'

"what a shame it was that the cemetery was so unkept" Do you mean 'unkempt'?

"Emma recognized it at once and sat on the front porch stairs of her own house she shared with her husband and children" I think a comma and a little re-arrangement is required for lucidity. Perhaps 'Emma recognized it at once and sat on the front porch stairs of her own house, the one she shared with her husband and children'

*Flower1* The POV shifts in one place, with one sentense becoming first person narrative. The tense jumps around a bit too. To be consistent some part require change:
"After dinner, we all joined in the living room so the men could watch television" Who is telling the tale, now?

"Loved ones have come and gone but that one April was the turning point" 'had come and gone'

*Flower1* The tale rises above others of the same subject choice or theme by the introduction and weaving in of the great poem. *Thumbsup*


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Sidetracked  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Momo M. . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* I thought I would choose a nice story from your port for my M2M review. I searched your port and saw a folder that might interest, better a poem than a novel or journal, I told myself.

*Flower1* I saw a provocatively titled folder - 'Sidetracked', one that was awarded a handsome blue ribbon by the discerning Gabriella, no less. She says it has an eclectic mixture of poetry and lyrics. I decided to be sidetracked too, with anticipation I clicked on the folder!

*Flower1* Old Ma Hubbard could take lessons from you, David Copperfield couldn't have done a vanishing act better! The folder appeared empty to me. (The folder notations mock me:'There are 0 visible Items. Viewing page 1 of 0 with 25 per page - This folder is currently empty.') Either all the contents are set at Private, or you just did some spring cleaning.

*Flower1* A pity, for others have rated this one pretty high, you have an average 4.5 star rating. Now, what do I do? Just give you that average rate and back out? Or dock you some stars for carelessness? Not to mention thwarted ambitions and hurt feelings, I'm not too sure I shouldn't sue you for that! Your heading promises: "Mainly quick reads will be found here. Lyrics, poems, short stories, flash fiction, and more as time goes by. You probably ought to be aware that ryhming is not my thing x.O; I just do it for fun." (BTW, note the mis-spelled 'rhyming', makes your statement doubly true!)*Laugh*

*Flower1* I will only promise to return and re-rate and re-review when the contents are visible, if you ever make them so. Till then, I'll tread the middle of the road, the so-called Golden Mean, I hope that will be construed more golden than mean!!


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1388845 Unavailable **
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Stargazer . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* Wow! That prompt was a toughie. I would have racked my brains to comply with an order to drop any letter of the alphabet. I found it demanding enough to write a poem once, that used the letter 'A' in all the words, with no word repeats! It turned out to be an awfully abbreviated attempt! *Laugh* I laughed over your great note, or should I say 'ote? "The letter 'n' is owhere to be foud!" *Bigsmile*

*Flower1* I am not in favour of and do not advocate of the use of writingML for most writes, but for this birthday themed one, it seemed almost mandatory. Excellent rotation of choices to decorate the poem.

*Flower1* The title - 'Six, almost...'; I thought that was a stroke of genius. It made me sure that whatever lay inside, it was not trite or expected.

*Flower1* There's no attempt to rhyme, none to accede to meter, none at all to do more than arrange in four line verses. Yet the whole is pleasing and celebrates the anticipation of a birthday very well.

*Flower1* Congratulations on a well deserved win. You were smart to pick the letter 'n', it did not prevent you from the greeting, 'Happy Birthday!', an impossible task if some of the strategic letters in 'celebration' had been picked.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1388845 Unavailable **
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Review of Dark Side  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Caerberu . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


*Flower1* I like the youthful confidence in your bio, here's wishing your dreams bear fruit soon. What exactly was your area of expertise again? Web graphics designer, flash animation specialist, and SEO-watchamacallit? I could vaguely understand the implications of the first two, but I'm totally clueless about the last. Of course I am electronically and net-challenged. SMS take me 10 minutes to send in plain English, 25 mins if in text-speak! I like to write with a pencil and paper, the Muse flows better, I use my head to calculate. So, what is an SEO - Southern Electric Officer? Somebody-Everybody-Oh!Nobody?

*Flower1* Let's get back on track, here! *Laugh* The prequel to your novel. Thanks for all the detailed notes on the whys and hows and whens of its conception and progress. I loved the fact that it had its own prelude, so to say! I liked the title - 'Dark Side', it made more sense after reading the prelude to the prequel, but it was evocative and made one think - of the dark side of the moon - for instance.

*Flower1* You seem to have written down all the details of this world, for keeping a story straight is a daunting enough task without the added strain of fantasy writing. I liked the touch of otherworldliness in the names and attributed powers of the guardians to that world. Putting distance into 'god strides' was a deft touch.

*Flower1* Is it just me, or is there an extra space at the end of each sentence? It seemed so, maybe it is some trick of the monitor or programme. I like to see a one line interspace between each paragraph, that would set off your first line indent well.

*Flower1* There were spots that I thought would bear a second look, I am not accomplished enough to do more than point out the spots. BTW, check out all bits of a write when posting it, the intro has: "Last editted January 24, 2008" 'edited'

"Quickly, he gathered his shirt in his arms and broke into a run downstream, away from the black monolith, thinking that someday, perhaps, he will return" That is a long sentence. Atmosphere can often be retained better with two short and crisp sentences instead of one long and confusing one. Did you feel that at the last, it should read 'would return'?

"He ran. He treaded over hills and climbed the foot of steep mountains" If that is indeed a form of the word 'tread', it should be 'trod'. Or else 'threaded' might be more appropriate, to indicate a twisting trail.

"It was a monument that once cradled a proud race" How can a monolith, a monument, cradle a race? It can praise them, deify them, typify them, a number of things, but cradle? I'm sorry, I had difficulty in visualising that.

"From the monolith, a wail erupted. The sound was sad and longing, but it was only the sound of a machine not knowing its masters were already long gone" Perhaps this will later be explained; as it stands, it is confusing. How would a machine have feelings? How was the monolith, a single large rock carved as a monument, a machine? How come it was able to emit sound, an emotional sound at that? Seems like a loose end, here.

"The other person was hooded as well, wearing the same garment." 'similar', surely, not 'the same'?

These are not the only places, commas issues abound, I left them alone for I tend to just shove in a comma every time I pause for breath in a reading. I am hardly the person to correct those. I just knew that they were, or maybe were, askew.

*Flower1* There are bits of great description in there - "dead trees stood in clumps, clawing at the sky like withered hands." . This is interspersed with bits where an adjective is repeated. Do you know the word 'black' itself is used 12 times in the first part? Is that deliberate?

*Flower1* The prelude does its part well, it creates a setting, both physical and emotional. It introduces the main characters and hints at their motivations. It generates sufficient interest to read further. The end is upon a good note, creating suspense without actually breaking off any action.

*Flower1* Would I like to read more? You Betcha! Does it need more work before being deemed finished? Yep! But, when it is finished, what a great read it will be.


Jyo

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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