*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://p15.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jyo_an/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
Review Requests: OFF
2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
Previous ... 2 3 4 5 -6- 7 8 9 10 11 ... Next
126
126
Review of Stranded  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Legerdemain Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I liked the title, it had shades of 'Lost' - terse, lucid and apt. I thought the intro did a neat job of adding a little information, enough to titillate, without giving away any part of this delectable story. I also love your tongue-in-cheek genre choices, they carry on the good job!

*Flower5* The Beginning: Dialogue to start a story is difficult, the beginning also has to achieve the physical setting of the tale, the introduction of at least one or two of the main characters, a little of the central premise of the tale. Yet, you managed all that. Good work.

*Flower5* The Setting: I did not see the image prompt in that deft beginning, I saw a lot more, and it was vivid, well described, but not the prompt. I thought this element was well done.

*Flower5* The Characters: Alan and Patty are real characters, the deft sketches of a testy rich man who has been duped by an unscrupulous resort manager, the socialite wife who is hesitant but helpless in the thrall of 'natives' without manners. The natives are caricatures, but they serve their purpose in the story.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Your forte, it is well done, simple words, effectively used. The description meanders between sublime metaphor :"She watched the women in the front of the flotilla tossing flower petals into the breeze. The petals floated on the waves like tiny birds.
" and subtle humourous observations :"Patty could see him gesturing, holding an invisible phone to his head. He kept shaking the women off his arm so he could talk. Like flies, they resettled as soon as he started speaking again."

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It has a slow shift from travel experience to something more gripping - I will not reveal exactly what the conflict is. I would only like to add that I found the end marvelous, to use the image prompt like that, at the very end, it proved to be a master touch. I take off my hat to you! *scrabbles under seat* Or, I would, if I could find it in the first place, to put it on - to take off! *Bigsmile*

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above. Well used.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified:13+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item:1110*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*


*Flower5* What I liked: This is a short story, at other times I have felt a lack of this element or that, here I felt you had said all that you needed to say. Not one word extra, not one word less. Bravo.

*Flower5* Suggestions: None, whatsoever. Write on!

(I did have one small query about the storyline, but I'll address that in a separate mail, it might give away too much of your story here.)


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
127
127
Review of They Came  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello DanielHardin Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: It is short, it is profound, it has layers of meaning. I liked it even more when I had read the story and found the end to be as shrouded as the title. It assumes the reader will be intelligent enough to see through the veiled intent, I was flattered by the assumption.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Excellent beginning, although the image prompt would be a heart-beat after the incident described in the first paragraph. It is still true to the visual prompt and based upon it too. Even though the later direction of the story has a twist.

*Flower5* The Setting: I could visualise the setting easily. The POV of the narrator was easy to comprehend, the physical setting made vivid by deft turns of phrase. I especially commend the boy's describing his trailing the visitors as 'a painter in summer hunt' and gauging distance as being a 'smooth stone's throw'

*Flower5* The Characters: The lead character, unnamed, is well outlined by his observations and emotions, even if the physical description is lacking. None of the others are even sketchily described, although 'sly devil' has an expression and a posture to define him.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: These were good; especially the metaphors - striking, unusual and descriptive. I have already highlighted a couple, here's another favourite: "The Magic Man stepped into a spot where the sun pushed itself through the trees" I can imagine the thick canopy, the blazing sun, pushing itself between a handy gap between two towering forest denizens. *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: At first, I thought the story was about missionaries, but later they talk of promises of immortality - so that's out. I wondered how the Magic Man was supposed to know the language and be able to communicate? Was he the equivalent of a 'witch doctor'. with supposedly supernatural powers? Yes, such Men are often deemed to have such powers, but it is rarely demonstrated with so little ceremony or preparation. Otherwise it has all the charm of a folk tale, it keeps true to the rather primitive people it describes and their rough justice.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above: Yes.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified: 13+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item: 1294*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*


*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the twist at the end. There was no real resolution, but it was an effective end, nonetheless.

*Flower5* Suggestions: A few random examples of errors:
"They moved like our slowest, sickest cattle but smiled, chattering amongst themselves."
Misplaced commas - I am no great expert, but do you feel each comma was appropriate in that sentence? It seems as though the sickest cattle but smiled. I would at least add another after the word 'cattle'.

"They drank--at least pretended to--with darting eyes."How can one drink with darting eyes? Nit-picking? Not really, the mind forms images as it reads, incongruity does not allow a smooth read. Perhaps - 'They drank, or at least pretended to, even as their eyes were busy darting around the compound." You note, I prefer the comma to the en dash?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
128
128
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Guarrman Thank you for submitting your entry. It is great to see a new joinee jump right into the site contest, welcome! I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I like the nostalgic flavour of the title, it also has a tinge of the ghostly, of a recurring memory or nightmare. The attention is caught; curiosity aroused, the intro gives a further glimpse into the tale - well done!

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning sets the scene for the tale, the reason for the reminiscing. I would have liked it in italics to set it off from the rest of the story, but I won't be fussy about that pint. The beginning of the story proper was true to the prompt and whole tale flowed naturally from there. I just wonder if SCUBA would not be admissible - as an acronym, not an abbreviation? (You use it as 'S.C.U.B.A.')

*Flower5* The Setting: You have words, about 500 to spare. You could have heightened the settings a bit, the fear and tension of the attack, the guilt and relief of the escape, the rush of adrenaline followed by the flush of shame.

*Flower5* The Characters: One does not get a clear picture of the narrator, it is but natural that the others are also in shadow. It is not all that difficult, to add description of oneself into a detailing of past incident. For example:
"I turned off the engines and laid back on the bench seat and enjoyed the warmth ..."This could become something like - 'I turned off the engine with fingers that fumbled with an action they had performed, unthinking, a thousand times before. I curled my long frame on the bench seat, it provided little relief to my aching muscles, those same hard muscles that had carried me through strenuous exercises. The sun's warmth was cool upon cheeks flushed with a mixture of rage and shame, I was sure my olive skin was burning copper with emotion.'

I do not dictate words, just my feeble attempt to show how description need not interfere with the action or the story, but can serve to enhance both. It is entirely your decision to add more or not.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I thought the descriptions showed more than a passing familiarity with the military and their tactics. You do take it for granted that we know the Zodiac is a raft, not a powered make of boat. Of course, a few lines later, it is made clear. Using some compelling descriptions heightens the action, you have words to spare, you could choose to add this later.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I would like to read more of Mr. Holms' adventures, after all he said some of the memories were good, too. I can understand the old man's need to relive his past, the retirement by the sea and his tryst with his memories was plausible.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified:13+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item:1520*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*


*Flower5* What I liked: I liked that this was based on the prompt, fair and square, no glancing reference, no interpretation. It revolved around the visual provided, good work.

*Flower5* Suggestions: The formatting is clean and uses one line spaces between paras. A first line indent might further make for easy reading and comprehension onscreen.

Some minor errors:
Straying commas, I give one example - it does occur elsewhere. It is hard to keep the slippery tadpoles in place, is it not?*Laugh*
"The guns stayed trained on me() as the captain of the boat confirmed my personal information." Would you say a comma was required at the paired brackets? BTW, back in those days, how exactly was the personal information checked - radioing back to the HQ? Would it be so readily available?

"They just happened to be order that following seemed would keep me away from the danger." A tad confusing. Maybe change it slightly, to something like - 'They just happened to be convenient orders; following them would enable me to stay away from the danger zone.'?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **


129
129
Review of The Old Home  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Dudemellow Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I liked the nostalgia and image of lost homeland in the title. It served to arouse interest in the story.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning is echoed in the end, deliberately perhaps, yet it jars when one first reads the repeat description of the slow swirl of warm water around Maanwa's ankles. Perhaps because the description was the most striking of all those used.

*Flower5* The Setting: The words are simple and yet the setting is clearly seen, if only a misused word here and a misplaced comma there did not take away from its homely charm.

*Flower5* The Characters: Only Maanwa is named, the son is once referred to as 'Son', otherwise as 'the boy'. No other character is even sketchily introduced, not even the wise wife. In this length of tale it would be permissible to have more than one character in the foreground.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I felt the image prompt was dealt with only in passing, nothing in the description gave me a sense of having read a story that derived from it, despite the mention of the sunlight glinting on the water, or the boats bobbing just off the shoreline. Because those were empty boats, forlorn and bereft, you describe these to be fishing boats hauling in fishing nets.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It has a problem, a conflict and even a resolution, only one does not exactly know how the conflict was resolved, just passage of time, not wisdom, seems to have guaranteed it. It has the charm of being simple and is told without much embellishment; however, it lacks a ‘hook’ to hold interest.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above. Yes, it is based upon it, although not centered on it.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified: 'E'*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item:1972*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*


*Flower5* What I liked:

*Flower5* Suggestions:
Some of the paragraphs were separated by a line break, some had just a first line indent. Personally I think keeping a one line space in between paras gives it a cleaner look, I know many readers think it makes the piece easier to read and comprehend.

A few small errors:
"He squinted his good eye" I thought the phrase should be 'he squinted through his good eye' or maybe 'with'?

Mistakes of apostrophes:
"put his hand on the boys shoulder "The possession needs an apostrophe to be implicit. boy's shoulder

Places where I felt the word was not apt.
"He counted the two numbers together and the result equaled loss." Should that not be 'added the two numbers together'?

"Many seasons had past since arriving on this beach"'passed'?

Typos/misspellings:
"more wise the he was at their age " 'more wise than he was'

Places where commas were missing or misplaced. I am no great expert on these slippery tadpole-like units of punctuation but ...
"The fishers would come in with their haul() then help with thatching," Do you feel another comma is required where I have placed the paired brackets?

"They had done much in such a seeming little amount of time and Maanwa twinged when he thought of how distraught he was those first days in the new land, how bleak he had felt." Do you mean 'cringed'? I would use smaller sentences in order to keep all the commas in their correct places.



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
130
130
Review of Dinetah  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Jeff Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: Unusual name, it draws the attention. It is obviously a personal name, non-English and only our limited perception fails to reveal the inner meaning, profound and apt though it may be. Homeland - it is a powerful word and supports a piece that is poignant.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The first line has a strong emotional pull and makes a clear image in one's mind. I hate to nit-pick but the scene then seemed a bit awry. One holds the one who seeks comfort in one's arms, one clings if one is seeking support. It is Kai who needs the reassurance, Sani is firm and resolute upon the action, even if unsure about the final outcome.

*Flower5* The Setting: If an image is the prompt, the setting must bring that image to life, it provides the visual basis for your words and vice versa. I saw more of a land-based struggle, despite the use of 'fishing boats' to make the preemptive strike.

*Flower5* The Characters: I like it when one the characters coins a pithy saying, it seems to sum up the flavour of the piece. This had 'it is foolish not to expect the unexpected', wisdom worthy of Confucius. I wish we could have seen the main players themselves as clearly, in their physical as well as emotional make-up. Would it have been so difficult to have added a phrase or two to bring them into three-dimensional life? For example, in the lines:
"I have to, Kai," he replied softly, nuzzling my neck as he hugged me. This could easily become:

"I have to, Kai." His gruff whisper was breathed warm into the curls on my forehead, every muscle in his arms was familiar to me; he wrapped them around my pliant body as it pressed into his for reassurance.

I do not dictate the exact words, I just wish there was more, enough to conjure up a vision of the lovers.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: It is description that adds depth to a story, it creates settings and props up characters and brings action to life. Telling is fine, but showing is better. It does consume a few more words, but in the end, it is worth it. You had 200 odd to spare, too.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: There was a problem, yes. There was a conflict, even if it took place off-stage. But, there was little resolution, the exact situation to be avoided was the one faced in the end. Happy endings are not required for a story, but some modicum of resolution would have helped. Maybe a paragraph to show the birth of the Sani and Kai's baby? In the new land, the homeland?

There was a well crafted and logical plan by the Navajos, history probably demands the defeat, but a reason for the same would make the story 'tighter' and plausible.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above. Loosely based, but it does use the visual scene. *Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified: 13+ *Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item: 1720 *Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*


*Flower5* What I liked: I was eager to learn more about a people and culture that was new to me. I learned only a little, a word and one glimpse of an age-old struggle, but the originality made it stand out.

*Flower5* Suggestions:

I do not advocate eschewing adverbs in toto, but it is wise to be aware that they weaken the impact of description. Examine the example I gave above for description and decide if you agree that the phrase 'he replied softly' gives lesser information than the suggested alternative. It is more 'word-heavy' to construct, but it can be done in some places at least.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
131
131
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello RatDog - welcome to a review for your support to RAOK. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: The title was attention grabbing, casual and conversational, yet it served as effective opening line for what I thought would be a short witty piece. I was not disappointed. The intro was a good way to underline the message in the title.

*Flower5* The Beginning: This is a short piece, a story that starts from someone else's prompt and has to end with a prompt for daring readers who can pick up such a well crafted gauntlet. Yet the beginning was a good one, setting the scene immediately. Only one thing, I am totally teetotal and hence clueless, I had to use Google to help me out more than once. So, I merely ask - is it Stoli or Stoly?

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting is a set-up, just too punny for words, Vod? Kan't you take a joke?

*Flower5* The Characters: Hee-hee-hee! Aren't they just? Characters I mean? They just cracked me up with their cheesy puns. I wondered a bit at the Mickey Fine - was it not a Mickey Finn?

*Flower5* The Descriptions: It would be too much to expect delectable descriptions as well. Might be a surfeit of things to digest! Congrats on getting the rating spot-on. It was just the use of a couple of words, a little allusion, but it made the rating rack itself into 18+

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Hrggh-hrggh-snrrrk-hrraaagh! Sorry, avid readers, I was just remembering another bit I liked, I'd quote it, but it would give away the meat for nothing. Sorry,again - if you want it you're going to have to chew your way through, yourself! No koala bear mommies here!

*Flower5* What I liked: I liked your faithfulness to this interactive story, I see you have many contributions, all worthy efforts. But, this one won my heart at first and last glance!

*Flower5* Suggestions: Keep writing these zany delights, friend. You have a flair for 'em.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
132
132
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Daizy May - welcome to a review from your win in"Jace's Travel Guide Auction" . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: This one is not only an arresting title that suggests frenzied activity, but it also serves within the piece as refrain and link. Readers will have to peruse the lines themselves to discover its subtle use.

*Flower5* Rhyming: Alternate rhyme, but only one word pair as rhyming choice. It proves a deft device rather than becoming repetitive, it allows the pace to shift from without, to within, seamlessly.

*Flower5* Meter: The poem is dependent upon a word play, the use of the words in the title and the rhyming pair to create action, a wind within the piece. Meter is almost irrelevant here. I am not saying it would go amiss, but it might go unnoticed for sure!

*Flower5* Punctuation& Grammar:I think this was flawlessly managed by a masterful writer.

*Flower5* Poetry Form: I think they could very well name this the Daizy form. a set of four quatrains with alternate rhyme but only one word pair. The action should slowly shift from one set of objects to another, preferably contrasting ones. The action words get repeated as the title. Well done!*Thumbsup*

*Flower5* Poem as a whole: Again, an unusual theme, excellent choice of contrasts and comparison. Striking choice of rhyming pair of words. Interesting poem, on the whole.

*Flower5* What I liked: If you haven't yet realised I did not like any of it, I have been wasting my time writing this review. No, no, don't misunderstand, I just loved every bit of it! Like is too tepid a word to describe my feelings.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: Not a single hiccup to be seen. May I use this section to share what I found to be a vivid image that will stay with me?

"Outside, the wind kept on whooping and yowling,
Cheering on the snowy blizzard."

Thank you for letting me into your port over the past few days, I have had a wonderful time!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
133
133
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Daizy May - welcome to a review from your win in"Jace's Travel Guide Auction" . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: You have done it so often before that I know this is exactly what I expected! A great title.*Thumbsup* I would just suggest that you keep the intro-title combination to its usual level of complementing each other by mentioning the prompt only within the write itself. The bit about the President in your backyard could still be left in as the intro. it would suffice to intrigue a potential reader.

*Flower5* The Rhyme: Alternate lines rhyme, a simple and direct end rhyme. The only thing that disappointed was the repeat of the rhyming choice of the word pair 'there/chair'. Also with the dialogue coming just after He motioned for me to sit in it; one wonders if it is the President speaking. For one moment, then one realises the words 'my chair' are used and it has to be the narrator speaking. Perhaps instead of a semi-colon, a period would make things clearer?

*Flower5* The Rhythm: Many of the lines have an even eight syllables but there are sevens, nines and tens too! So, no attempt at meter. This is a poem that might be fun to read aloud though and uneven syllable count tends to make the cadence ragged.

*Flower5* The Form: Other than quatrains in alternate abcb rhyming pattern, there does not seem to be any specific form attempted. It is better so, the matter is arresting and humorous and anything more ambitious might have diluted the impact.

*Flower5* The Imagery/Devices: There is imagery, in the "The President was in my yard
Wearing dirty, grubby jeans" &"I saw his dirty fingernails" Do you feel the repeated adjective made, at least one of those descriptions, just that shade less effective?

Alliteration, assonance, these are attractive devices that often enhance pieces. Your choice entirely, you chose not to use them here.

*Flower5* The poem as a Whole: Definitely something unexpected, a great response to a fantastic prompt. One would expect no less from you, and the contest that generated this prompt must be a great one.

*Flower5* What I liked: It was so completely 'normal' at first, wandering out into the backyard, the 'green lounge chair'. I have exactly like that, in wicker. Then, the surprise starts, the fantasy begins. It ends on an election promise kind of note, wish all the Presidents would keep 'em as faithfully.*Laugh*

*Flower5* Suggestions: Two tiny hiccups:-

"I was taken by complete surprise
At the sight that I saw there." Would you say 'at' is the mot juste there? I rather plumped for 'by' myself.

"He's painted our peeling house!" Hmm, would it not require stripping and preparing first? Or is that a 'given'?



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
134
134
Review of Fiery Red Hair  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Daizy May - welcome to a review from your win in"Jace's Travel Guide Auction" . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: You have a knack for doing this, I have mentioned it before, your title choices are amazingly attention grabbing. Just Titian hair would not have been so eyeball riveting, the use of 'fiery' to accentuate 'red' was a master stroke. As usual, the intro adds to the impression already created, it tells us the tale is one of loss and acceptance, an end to a long life.

*Flower5* The Beginning: An unusual beginning. The first few lines had both present and past swirled together in a enigmatic touch. That sentence is like a leit motif that holds the story together and is tuned upon itself at the end.

*Flower5* The Setting: The hospital setting was deftly done at the very beginning. It was echoed at the end. In between the past is described and 'set'. Well done. I wanted more, if there is any chance this could be a longer piece one day, I would love to read it.

*Flower5* The Characters: Nobody has any names, just the descriptions, and two or three words suffice for even those. Yet, I never felt that to be a flaw. For this was about second chances, about comparisons and similarities.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: She progresses from being a Celtic lass to lady, from being wife to mother to mother-in-law to grandmother-to-be. It was done in such a smooth way that I did not even notice it, even as my mind absorbed the changes and presented me with the end.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It is a tale told from a strikingly different angle. Part fantasy, part reality. It still had poignant emotion and enough of the bedside vigil many of us know, the final moments where we see only what we know. What is actually happening is beyond us. I'd like to think of the old lady riding off into the shimmering unknown, her fiery red hair streaming behind her.

*Flower5* What I liked: What was not to like? You have added in almost all the required ingredients. Even what is left out is done deliberately.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
The sentences are at times a tad stilted and long. At times the structure works to make it sound like an archaic way of speaking. At other times one wonders what belongs where, like "She was bringing them home to add to the kettle on the fire in front of the thatched dwelling she shared with her daughter" Too many prepositions and possessive nouns?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
135
135
Review of Tea Kettle In Awe  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Daizy May - welcome to a review from your win in"Jace's Travel Guide Auction" . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: I like the title. I am going to set that onto a signature and use it for your reviews! Imagine an awe-struck tea kettle. I can't wait to read more of this fantasy!

*Flower5* What Drew Me in: Other than the title it was the term 'spinning nouns'. What are those?

*Flower5* What Made Me Applaud: It reads like a simple folk tale. It appealed to the little child in me, the one that wonders why the sun warms my face and why the dog wags its tail. Now I know why the Tea Kettle sings!

*Flower5* What Made Me Pause and Ponder: In one place the personified article is a 'tea kettle', in another place you refer to it as 'teakettle', in yet another it has been given a capital letter - 'Teakettle'. Which is your preferred choice of term?


*Flower5* Suggestions: These are not made from any position of lofty ability or erudition, more as a hiccup in the smooth reading of a concerned friend:

Other than that decision to be made about christening little Tea Kettle, no hiccup to be seen.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
136
136
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Daizy May , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden"  [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: The title, it is almost always the title that first draws my attention. I have been intrigued by many of yours for different reasons. Some made a vivid picture with the words. Others were enigmatic. One had a deft use of words to create subtle hidden meaning. This one does not blandly say 'ghost' or even 'specter'. It just describes the shape and leaves one to imagine the rest. The intro invariably adds to it, this says the spooky tale is also romantic, can one resist?

*Flower5* The General Impression: It is a long poem, an epic. It tells a sad tale of star-crossed lovers, almost in the Romeo and Juliet style of tragedy. There is a resolution, I like that. It was not the expected one, either.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: To capture and hold interest through a long item is a feat in itself. No matter how deft the writing, length is tedious.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: Almost all the other lines were direct end rhyme, only one choice of rhyming pair made me pause and ponder the 'fit'. It was the use of 'more' and 'for'. We'll ignore the sentence ending preposition rule in poetry, but the two words do not have the same vowel sound.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"Carved initials in it's bark" This mistake happens to so many of us. I have just one piece of advice, whenever using it, first expand it to the full words and see if they fit. 'It is' does not fit here. The possessive form is 'its'.

"His named was carved into the side," 'name'? I think that is what you intended to write?



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
137
137
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Daizy May - welcome to a review from your win in"Jace's Travel Guide Auction" . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.
This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: The title creates a great image. I can picture it perfectly, little butterfly clusters, fluttering gently on the branches. The best thing is that we do not have autumns in my part of the world!

*Flower5* The General Impression: The poem is in two parts, a lyrical part and a prosaic part, the bit I appreciate is that the two complement each other and do not clash!

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: Some great images in there, it brings the humdrum task of sweeping leaves in a pensive mood to mind. The choice of font colour and emoticons at the bottom set off the theme perfectly!

I liked the bit about"Crashing to the earth silently;
Wind was the only sound."

and also "I stood among them pondering,
In a heap up to my knees."

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: If only we could all thus describe for others what they have never seen or experienced - but, not all would have your fluency or ability.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:Nary a hiccup there.



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A Simply Positive reviewing sig.
138
138
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Daizy May , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for your auction package win. Stop me when I'm done, OK? I'm having too much fun to count!

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: You have a knack for making the title interesting. Then the intro goes one step further and enhances the expectant glee one has before diving in to read.

*Flower5* The General Impression: This has to be the strangest item I have ever review! A critique that reads like a tribute. A description that is so vivid it leaves a taste in the mouth. A friendship that is mightier than Veggiemite, even their newest (ugh!) Veggiemite Cheesybite!

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: I like the fact that the two items, your critique and Meg's poem are linked to each other. For one without the other would be like ... well, like Vegemite without the Vita-weet biscuits! *Laugh* The love and respect you two have for each other shines right through.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: I stopped and went - WOW! It's (Meg's poem) on the official Kraft website, awesome! But I have tasted something similar to this wayyyyyyy back in my childhood, the descriptions you give are too exactly the same for me to wonder much more! If not Vegemite, it was mighty like Veggiecide! Urrggh! I feel like rinsing out my mouth even now, you can't spread that stuff too thin for me! However the write was awesome, I could taste the stuff all over again, even though I didn't want to. *Thumbsup* Extra applause for the butterworms and the ending line!


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: Put a warning on there will ya, not for those with delicate stomachs or queasy appetites? *Laugh*


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **
139
139
Review of Have You Ever?  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Kristi , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden"  [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: The title asks me a question, the intro makes a plea. I'm game to give it a whirl.

*Flower5* The General Impression: How profound a thought is expressed within, I will not spoil it for other readers by saying much more. Just that this was one of the most original thoughts I have come across and it combined a series of vivid images that were powerful for the very contradictions they seemed to create. I have to give you a rousing cheer for that!

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: Couplets and monorhyme, what a delightful change! You make good use of assonance too! I like that.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: I wonder why you chose to use bold black font? To emphasise 'difference' would not a change in the choice of font, say, Comic or Courier, even Impact, be sufficient?


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: Not a single hiccup, more some leaps of joy. I'd like to highlight my favourite lines here:
"You've probably never seen a battle war cry
nor ever heard a river run dry."Sublime!*Thumbsup*


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
140
140
Review of Follow Your Heart  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello SHERRI GIBSON , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden"  [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: Well, the folder did say these were your newest offerings, how can I resist luscious fresh writes? The title - did I mention titles are a big draw for me? Well, this one promises to be inspirational and emotional. Lo! And Behold! Those are the exact two genres chosen - I have got to dive right in!

*Flower5* The General Impression: An inspiring write that talks of the benefits of following your heart - to allow it to seek love and peace, and through both, salvation. One should eschew violence and war and allow an acceptance to grow within oneself, cherishing all creatures on Earth. Well said!*Thumbsup*

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: Quatrains -*Check3*, simple rhyming pattern impeccably followed - *Check2*, meaningful writing - *Check4*.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: I wonder why I want keep counting syllables? *sits on frenetic fingers* It is your choice to add, or not to add, meter. I shall not ask you to conduct a monologue a la Hamlet to decide, it is your right to eschew any device.

Having said that, tell me why. I find a number of reviewers looking for this specific device and mentioning a ragged rhythm even with an even count, just because the stresses do not match. I am not an instinctive poet and I often find this helps me organise the lines better. But stresses are beyond me. The esoteric mysteries of iambic versus anapestic shall be ever veiled from my understanding. *Laugh*

One last comment:
In the lines: "Strive for peace, and no more war.
Learn from each race what they know.
Senseless killing and cruelty you can't ignore." to my untrained ears, the words 'war' and 'ignore' sounded unalike in vowel sound. It might be a cultural difference in pronounciation, we follow the archaic British rules. You might have guessed it by my spelling choices.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:I have to admit this retains your exemplary stamp of impeccable writing, not a single hiccup.



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
141
141
Review of THE DARK  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello SHERRI GIBSON , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden"  [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I am glad to be given the opportunity to wander through your port again, knowing you to be a poet and writer par excellence. This is the season for this type of poem, perhaps a year a go, I would not have ventured near. I have now learned to appreciate this genre as well.

*Flower5* The General Impression: This starts off as almost innocuous, some innocent fun, the ubiquitous trick-or-treating that is a part of Halloween. Then it throws off its cape and reveals itself to be something else. The contrast make the for the desired chilling effect. Well done.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: Quatrains, always a favourite of writers anywhere, the form is so pliable and 'workable'. A simple rhyme scheme, impeccable choices of direct end rhyme. Here I do not mean simple as in easy, no sir, sometimes the seemingly uncomplicated can be difficult to adhere to. You do not let the effort show, the words flow well.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: Are you a proponent of meter or not? I agree that it may serve to make things difficult, but it also makes the piece so much more pleasant to read aloud. You nearly have it too.

See the first verse, all the lines are 10 syllables except the second line. If you choose something not quite so much of a mouthful as 'terrifying', you could make it all pentameter. A simple 'scary' would cut the required 2 syllables to make it conform.

I had one reviewer tell me not to make a poem all italics, since that should be reserved for internal dialogue. I wonder what all bold should indicate then, shouting? I personally liked the use of the bold font to emphasize the dark nature of the write.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:Not a single hiccup. None to be expected with such an accomplished chef!


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
142
142
Review of Winter Comfort  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello jaya , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden"  [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: The title is a little marvel of imagery, one could see the winter chill being dispelled by some comforting warmth. I do not know why, but even without your intro, my mind instantly grasped the metaphorical meaning.

*Flower5* The General Impression: I might be wrong, but this poem spoke to me of growing old and being alone. Of a son who was away but soon to come home. One day, he does, the Sun rises to dispel winter warmth. There's so much love and trust and return of regard. It warmed my heart to just read it.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: I find a lot of strength and comfort in my children. Just the other day, we were crossing the road, his hand cupped my elbow in a gentle clasp, guiding, protecting. I almost had tears in my eyes, it was so spontaneous, a gesture that he was ready to be my support. It is not yet my winter, but my stance is already bolstered. I could relate very well on a personal level to the poem and sometimes that makes all the difference between liking, and loving, a read. "Winter takes on a splendid form" - sure does. *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: The rhyme was there in a ragged manner, one was unsure if it was intended on not. Not striving to rhyme words 'frees' up the imagination and choice of words can be more metaphorical and lyrical. Having it makes for a pleasant visual and auditory pattern. I found lines 3/4 (cold/fold), 5/8(heart/apart) and perhaps 11/13 (presence/balance) to be of a rhyming nature. I think the last named was a bit of a stretch, because the vowel sounds are not identical, but without knowing if the rhyming ws intended or coincidental any further speculation is futile.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:Nary a hiccup to be seen.



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
143
143
Review of Dead on arrival  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello jaya , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden"  [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: The title is stark, dark and chilling. It attracts attention by inducing the opposite emotion, one almost of revulsion. If the title is this effective, can the poem be any less?

*Flower5* The General Impression: A simple poem, it has nothing to distract from the impact of the words, no rhyme, no meter, no alliteration, no flights of fancy metaphor. It is effective by its very simplicity for it has a subject that is still black in everyone's memory - 9/11. Or so I presumed, I might be wrong. What is striking in this memorial is that it states that fact nowhere. it could as easily be for some other similar incident.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: The deft way simple words convey the overwhelming shock and horror. The poem ends with lines that echo the title, well done.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: It made me stop and think all right, but in tribute to they, and hundreds of nameless others. I especially laud the your intro - 'when there was darkness during the day'. I felt it could have also been used in the write itself.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:Nary a single hiccup - write on!


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
144
144
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Happy Adore♥ , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden"  [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I am of the firm opinion that the title is like the headgear that is seen at Ascot on Ladies Day, it can be eye-catching and distinctive enough for the rest of the person to be noticed and talked about. I liked the image conjured up by the title. Well done.

*Flower5* The General Impression: The story is set in the times of carding and piecing, prior to the industrial revolution, or just at that time. The modes and norms of that time are alien to many and a hefty bit of setting is required to make use 'see' the happenings. It is yet a poignant ale because it shows a young child-woman who longs for home and a lost childhood. She still dares to dream of escape when others are resigned.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: An unusual setting, a unusual POV, a different resolution. Excellent beginning lines, it set the monotony and despair of the child in full view. It seemed a pity not to have the proverbial happy ending at least implied, but this smacked of reality.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: The child realises that her plans for escape have to be made alone, yet at the final moment she has to offer her mates a chance at escape. I wondered why the door was consistently left unlocked and what plan she had once she got out of that door.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:I found nothing that leaped out at me. You are a seasoned and meticulous editor.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
145
145
Review of Shimmy and Roscoe  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Happy Adore♥ , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden"  [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: The names had a nice ring about them, like 'Bonnie and Clyde'. The mention of the prompt added to the intrigued expectation, a dark and blustery night, anything could happen. A perfect read for the run-up to Halloween, thought I.

*Flower5* The General Impression: Now some prompts are exercises to polish one's skills, some are for activities like contests. Which one was this? Was it from a random prompt generator? I thought the beginning had a lot of comic potential, especially as Shimmy was aware of something that her canine friend had not scented. An unusual turn of events, it is usually the other way around. But, the promise petered out with nary a mention of what was causing them both to spook, other than the weather.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: The mood was well created. The human-canine relationship also well delineated. Roscoe sounds like the friendly mutt on would adore on a visit to someone else's house.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: Why would she be the only one of her friends walking a dog? Unless none of the others had one! Or did they have pet-bathrooms?


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:No technical glitches, no typos. Nary a hiccup.



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
146
146
Review of Under The Sink  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
c:blue}Hello Daizy May , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for your auction win package. This is review 3 of 10

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: Great title - *Thumbsup*! Yep, that's where they live all right, under the sink, under the bed, and in dark corers of the cupboard. I wrote a similar poem, only there it was the fight between the teddy bear and the monster that created a mess! Poor children, blamed by clueless mothers. If only dolls and teddy bears could give evidence!

*Flower5* The General Impression: You do this a lot in your poetry, make it balance by providing one viewpoint and then mirroring it. Like the one about the child and the squirrel staring at each other through a window. Whilst it is a neat touch, it makes the words and rhyme repetitive and the effort that much less laudable. Six of one, half a dozen of another. Omigosh, now I'd doing it!

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: Not only is it poetic justice that is proposed in the poem, the central premise is appealing, and rings true. Many a child has somebody else to blame for things that go wrong, what if - Heavens forbid! - what if they were right? Amusing and -don't cringe! - cute.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: The first lines of the verse were long and ragged in length. In poetry for children, making it have a read-aloud rhythm, by keeping to a consistent syllabic pattern, helps. It raises the bar.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:Nary a hiccup.



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
147
147
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Daizy May , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden"  [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: The folder attracted me, it is not easy to make a child smile. Not on purpose, they might smile if you bend, and rip the seat of your - umm - trousers, but laugh at your humorous sallies, no way! I saw it contained a number of Seuss-like poems. Please take that as a compliment, I think he had his finger firmly on the pulse of a child's attention and a knack for rhythm in read-aloud ditties.

*Flower5* The General Impression: I think this succeeds in driving home two messages: One that there's a lot of fun to be found in the most unexpected places or things. Two that poetry can be used as a teaching tool. It is all about a basketball that is 'terribly flat' and the various inventive uses found for it. To a child for whom a breakfast bowl on the head is chuckle-full, this is sure to appeal.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: You use repetition well, without it becoming boring. A few more verses might have palled, this stopped on the amusing side of the effort. The ordinary words that are first taught are used here, like: sat-mat-fat-cat-hat.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: I did not quite get what Grandma was trying to do with it, why a fat cat needed the feeding dish propped up like that? Or was he too fat to be able to bend down and get it? Seuss poems have some attractive illustrations that drive home the words, perhaps you too could explore that option?


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: I have no suggestions, this was a perfect read.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
148
148
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Daizy May - welcome to a review from your win in"Jace's Travel Guide Auction" . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered. This is review 1 0f 10

*Flower5* The Title: What a great title, rhyming and incongruous, a word picture that makes one think of a crazy funny poem. *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* The Form: Couplets are an attractive way to write poetry, it allows a number of sub0themes like question and answer or completion of a thought or action within each set of lines.

*Flower5* The Rhyme: Nothing at which to cavil, in fact here's much to laud. Direct end rhyme all the way, nary a hiccup, except for the choice of 'sure' as rhyme for 'fur'. I loved the choice of 'beard'/'cheered' in the last couplet.

*Flower5* The Rhythm/Meter: If the syllable count is even or has a meter I'd call that as having a rhythm, if it also follows those esoteric patterns of stressed and unstressed that make up complicated things like iambic or anapestic - I say, "Whoopee - meter!". Considering the prompt it was clever of you to choose an even nine syllables per line - Bravo!

*Flower5* The Prompt: I'd say it was followed perfectly, all about nines and it was about winning and losing. Best of luck with the contest!

*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole:

*Flower5* What I liked: I laughed my head off, the end was more or less inevitable - the rats should have known that! I loved the touch about "One rat was lame, but played all the same.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Please continue to entertain us with pieces like these, I had a gal time reading it.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A Simply Positive multi-signature.
149
149
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Annie , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Simply Positive Review Forum "  [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: It is an image that appeals, Mall-Santa and a child who knows the secret behind these ubiquitous manifestations of Santa. When I saw the contest for which it was written and the fact that it won, I had two more reasons to read on. Flash Fiction is really hard to write, I applaud you for getting it perfectly right.

*Flower5* The General Impression: I have to use an over-worked word that has lost most of its original meaning, but this was cute! The child has enough faith to wish, enough smarts to know the Mall version is not the real thing, enough wickedness and desire to retaliate to want to make the imitation squirm and yet enough hope to make a sincere wish.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: It has cynicism and yet in the end, faith wins. Children should have something in which to believe for as long as they need. The line that really got to me was the one in which the older sibling refuses toys by saying his class assignments leave no time to play anyway. Pure pathos.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: Everything ties in neatly, but how Miss Coleman is to be 'made' to grant the wish, that is not clear. Is she the 'teacher'? Could the last line mention that she left instead of only talking of a 'lighter workload until June'? It also seemed out of character for the Santa to provide a clue to his identity, even as it explains things to us, it removes mystery from the deed for the child. Some internal dialogue on Santa's part might solve that dilemma.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: Just one single hiccup.

"Last year, “Santa” had a tattoo on his arm." I thought Santa had long sleeves? How could the child see the tattoo? Hand - yes, arm - no.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A Simply Positive reviewing sig.
150
150
Review of Thoughts on life  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Garnet , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Simply Positive Review Forum "  [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I had to admit it was something trivial, the mismatch between the user name and the handle. Aquamarine and Garnet? Then I though it would make a striking combination, pale blue and deepest red. Then my eye fell on the title, this is something upon I too have pondered long and deep - so into the read I plunged.

*Flower5* The General Impression: It has taken quite some introspection to come up with this pithy advice. The fact that I myself think that one must stretch oneself and test untraveled roads is irrelevant. You make your point succinctly and emphatically. A knowledge of self is essential for one to get where one wants to be.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: The free from of the poem exactly mirrored free-wheeling thoughts, the stringing of one thought that leads to another. There was homily and wisdom within - "A bird does not seek to swim underwater, nor a fish to fly."

The last lines were effective echoes of life, excellent choice of words.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think:
"To know who you are is your greatest goal." I was not sure it could be classified as 'greatest goal'. Maybe it should be one's first goal, maybe it is one's first achievement, but one hopes there are some greater goals along the way. The chosen adjective was a shade pedestrian for the heights achieved by the rest of the read.

I only felt that to know oneself is not sufficient to know one's destiny, that Fate has more than a few tricks hidden up her sleeve. But, that's my interpretation, you are free to choose yours.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: Nary a hiccup felt.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A Simply Positive reviewing sig.
656 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 27 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://p15.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jyo_an/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6