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2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review of El Monstruo  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Milhaud - Long Tail . Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: Ah, this is the second title I have seen with a another language in it. I presume this would be the equivalent of Mr. Monster?

*Flower5* The Beginning: Beginnings are for creation of setting, for introduction of the main character(s), for initiating the tone of the tale. I think the setting part was well done, I especially appreciated the descriptive phrases in "Its stark glow outlined the cobblestones in the front part of the alley forty feet below while the building’s angled shadow sliced the rest into darkness." A comma was perhaps required in there, after the first part - at the word 'below'?

The rest was crammed into that beginning, it is not necessary for it to be worked that hard. It can be done one bit at a time.


*Flower5* The Setting: I found it hard to imagine some one perched on a ten-inch wide ledge. Rather than get around that by making the protagonist a dwarf, one could have just made the ledge wider. Some of the older districts in my country have buildings whose ledges are quite two feet wide.

*Flower5* The Characters: Panchito - the name means 'little Pancho' does it not? Not quite the allusion one would want to give a son who was challenged height-wise. What was your reason for choosing it? Is this world your own? Or did you set it in unfamiliar locale? It is always a challenge to make the unfamiliar seem real to the reader and inside knowledge or throough research helps. Not that I know anything about that part of the world, just that the setting, the chracters, seemed superfical to me.

The entire reminiscing about Dominica seemed a device to pass time until Gavilane's arrival, an attempt to use up words. It even ended abruptly, leaving the realtionship dangling. It is ironic that it gave the tale a bit of irony and comic releif that was otherwise effective. The other flashback was more essential, giving us a clue to his emtional make-up and motives.


*Flower5* The Descriptions: There was enough to this, but I am not sure it helped one to get a clear picture of the main chracters, or the action. It might be more a fault of my preception, but I like the descriptions to be either so insidious that they build up a picture before one realises it, or else to be so pithy and drmatic that one sighs at the vivid image.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The central premise is built around the lack of understanding and empathy for challenged people. It is almost as though there were two tales running along together, one that was derived from the prompt, one about El Monstruo. The resolution seemed sort of contrived, if transtion to TV cameraman was that easy then why had it not happened earlier? Why would a kitten with an injured paw be in danger of falling off a ten inch ledge? That would be as wide as a road to a kitten - if it also refused to put weight on the injured paw, then it was quite safe for a minute or two. If it was mewling loudly and he feared attention being drawn to him, that might give him additional incnentive to secure the animal.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified. 18+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.1983 words *Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: I am an animal lover myself, I have taken in numerous strays at various times. I liked the fat that one lonely soul found succour in another. Just a couple of questions that make one stop and think - What happened to Domi? Were there any others, after her? Why did he not take the kitten to a vet? I think any good vet would have set that paw to rights in a trice, it need not have been askew forever.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
*Note3* "Cradled in his right elbow, rested his dependable movie camera." Would you say that was a complete sentence? Or would it require a slight modification, like - 'Cradled in his right elbow, his dependable movie camera was secure in familiar confines.'

*Note3* "Panchito blushed. “On, Domi, I can assure you that it’s normal.” Do you mean 'No'?

*Note3* "Panchito mixed a gin and tonic with an extra squeeze of lime in his sea view apartment."The phrases are mixed, it almost looks as if the sqeeze of lime went inot the sea-view apartment and not the drink. *Laugh*

*Note3* "Ten years to the day had elapsed since he’d chosen an orphaned, abused kitten over the chance at a small fortune."Let's not worry about how he knew the kitten was either orphaned or abused. I think it should be either 'It was ten years to the day', or 'ten years had elapsed'.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.
102
102
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello THANKFUL SONALI Now What? . Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I liked the title, it was echoed in the story to subtly underline the meaning, it also enhanced the ending.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The narrative style was unusual, I found it refreshing. Casual and natural - *Laugh*! I found the uderlying humour rising to out and out funny at times. I enjoyed the clever way rumination about correct grammar was tugged into the tale. The bit about clearing one's throat on camera was worthy of a guffaw or two.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting was adequate, not sketchy by any means. Yet, it could have risen to greater heights. Somehow, the narration took the entire story on its shoulders, capably, but it need not have been so overburdened.

*Flower5* The Characters: You, Rakesh and Triveni. One does not expect the others to be more than walk-n parts, not the volunteer, not the judge. Yet, they came off as more 3-D than the three of you. The fact that the narrator reveals some of her own character is acceptable, the other two needed some more depth.

*Flower5* The Descriptions:

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It was absolutely true to the prompt and yet took an unconventional direction. I know you, so I pictured you as the narrator, dare I say zany suits you? But, if I hadn't the pciture prompt would have fitted perfectly as illustration. I enjoyed the laughs about the the intrepidity despite lack of knowledge and the way sometimes profundity is seen in something quite unintentional.

I felt the ending was inspired, but if it had echoed the title in exact words they might have each enhanced the impact of the other. You know, make the last sentence two short terse ones. With the title as the ending one.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified. 13+ *Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item. 1375*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: The tang of lime in fruit puch adds something to the sweetness, this one had that touch of madness that amuses in any tale. How you contrive to keep it light and breezy throughout is a marvel. The only thing that disappointed was that you had not made full use of the word limit. I find one trick that helps is to first write as if there is no limit and then trim to within the limit. There was room for chracter development or description.

*Flower5* Suggestions: It was characteristic of you, meticulous proof reading and editing. I just found two little niggles, mere quibbles that take away nothing from the rating.

*Note3* "I only have a green pair, now, the others are in the laundry." I am thinking of including a standard disclaimer in my reviews: The reviewer knows zip about puctuation and grammar and any suggestions are to be consumed with liberal pinches of salt. Not recommended for those with high blood pressure. Assume I have inserted it, actually, I have - haven't I? At any rate, I wondered, if perhaps, the word 'now', or at any rate, the comma after 'pair', was required in there?

*Note3*"I thought it was midnight, but 12.OO PM means NOON. "It doesn't, I am sure you know that. It is a deliberate mistake. But, to heighten that one could have beratef oneself for not clarifying, since it was normally written as 12 noon, or 12 mid-night.





Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.
103
103
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Winnie Kay . Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I like the alliteration in the title, the fact that there is a neat play on the words 'error' and 'terror'. Good job. The title was perfect for the story and would have been appreciated after the read. Only, the intro gave away its hidden importance, something that should not have been handed to the reader before the read. It spoils the ironical ending.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Beginnings should interest the reader, they should 'set' the scene and introduce at least one of the main characters. I find myself wanting to give you full marks on this one, unfortunately, by some bizarre coincidence, a typo ruins your effort.*Laugh* If the opening lines are not grammaticaly flawless, the reader might be put off. See the 'Suggestions below for precise detail.

*Flower5* The Setting: This is well done, the near obsessive compulsions of Alice, her penchant for wanting everything just so, for orchestrating each move, it makes for a riveting emotional setting. There is enough to picture the physical setting too, although that is of secondary improtance in this tale.

*Flower5* The Characters: Max, the cat, was fleshed out with his characteristic feline quirks. The protagonist was well depicted too, with her OCD and singleton nerves. The description of the obsession with internet chatting and the obvious pitfalls was good. I did wonder why she was giving out information that might be used to locate or identify her. Such as the fact that she wore scrubs - that screams healthcare worker, probably nurse or doctor. She wears cat design scrubs - that ought to be a good clue. I wanted to shout out and tell her not to give out so many details. That means you did a good job with the atmosphere and action.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: There is no lyrical turn of phrase, no striking simile or metaphor. Yet, the descriptions are sufficient to create a vivid image of the action. Soemtimes less is more.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I enjoyed the read, despite expecting the ending. There were enough words left for the suspense to have been heightened a little, for some explanation to be offered for the unfortunate Mr. Anderson coming up to Alice's dwelling. Or why she came out of her secure ivory tower to confront her worst fears, despite the .38, one would expect her to await help.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified. 13+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item. 1333 words*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: I enjoyed the direction taken by the tale and the ironical ending.

*Flower5* Suggestions: No biggies, just a couple of niggles.

*Note3*"Alice glanced around the second floor entry-way and jammed the key in the lock() With practiced, choreographic movements, she turned the key, opened the door, stepped into apartment 210, and slammed the door shut with her shoulder." Period required at the point indicated y the paired brackets, it is just a typo - you correctly have the next word begin with a capital letter.

*Note3*"Alice pushed back her chair and gathered up the empty, Styrofoam take-out container." No comma required after 'empty'.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.
104
104
Review of The Invisible Man  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello fyn . Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I liked the title, it was so obvious that the cliché was being used in some innovative way. With the image prompt in mind, I thought of how the person wielding a camera was likely to missing from the film, 'not' visible or in other words - 'invisible'.

*Flower5* The Beginning: "Daniel Merrick didn’t know for sure that he had a dad, until he didn’t." The first sentence is a paradox and an enigma. It is clever, pithy and apt, yet it would be a fitting ending, not a beginning. To ask someone just dipping into a story to appreciate such heights of abstruse logic is a tall ask, some might be intimidated or put off. It did, however, do its job, introducing the chraracters, setting the background of the tale etc. etc.

*Flower5* The Setting: I wonder if you think the setting of the tale was obvious. Bits of info were scattered through the tale, but nothing to create a compelling picture of where he lived, what he saw. If his eyes had been forced to witness what no eyes ever should, that phrase leaves us dangling, it creates less impact than a glimpse of what it was that he witnessed.

*Flower5* The Characters: "After a while, Daniel quit pestering his mom, for he had deduced that he must be a product of in-vitro or something similar." Either he was a child prodigy or he quit after many years. Deducing that one is a product of in-vitro techniques requires an understanding beyond mere childish comprehension. The characters did not become three dimensional to me, niggling details like why Daniel actually stopped pestering his mum, actually irrelevant to the tale's progress, made me fail to glimpse the character in his or her entirety. We get no sense of the physical description either, not because there is no description, but because the description fails to make much of an impact.

Then too, the protagonist is referred to as Daniel in some places and Merrick in others, I thought that was not required and caused more than a little confusion.

In some places the information given to us about minor characters seems superfluous: "He was, therefore, a bit surprised when Sophie, or Saffron (as she liked to be called) knocked on his door the morning after he’d returned from his latest jaunt to Birchar in Algeria." Why was he surprised, presumably mail did collect in his every absence, his landlady coming to give him the pile must have commonplac? The morning after his return would be an acceptable moment to do this helpful task. If you call the chracter - a quirky ‘lost in the sixties’ pottery lady - Saffron, just after the bit describing her attributes and origins, it would be smoother. Two lines later we might not have retained the information. But, we're not finished with things to note, we are also told the town and country from which he has returned. I might be picky, but I like to have facts slip into the story, not bristle in profusion from one point.


*Flower5* The Descriptions: Some of the word choices for the descriptions were less than arresting, even confusing: "Dark eyes that had seen more than any eyes ever should seemed huge in his rather thin, sparse face." Would you not say the word 'sparse' usually refers to growth? Or did you mean 'spare', as in 'thin'? 'Gaunt', 'cadaverous', these convey more vivid images.

There are bits that conveyed a perfect picture - "With a quick smile, she turned, her floral skirt dusting the narrow stairs behind her as she returned to her pottery store below." I could see Sophie.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: There were some things that did not quite 'jell' to me. For e.g.: I found the fact that a mother would tell her son such a fairy tale, about a literally invisible father, not in keeping with the image of the mother who talked of 'inconsequential minutiae'. There seemed no real reason for her to use such a term, or for the father to echo the sentiment in his letter.

There were lots of little turns and twists which left me flummoxed, I understand this can be laid at my door, at my lack of percetion - but do you feel all the intircacies of the tale were evident? For e.g.: "She was such an expressive soul, but she'd have withered with my being away so much." So the answer to not being able to be around much was to totally abandon? The son found her to be "as a black and white image in a colorful world." and yet the father said"Filming as I do, in black and white, your mother was a brilliant combination of color and light.", the only similarity was that both abandoned her.


*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified. E - *Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item. 1937 words*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: Well, it tugged at my heartstrings, for a poor little boy who was lonely becasue some adults made childish decisions. For a psyche so affected that two-dimensional reality becomes meaningful and any interaction suspect. It affected me deeply, for the futility of the father's advice, preaching what he could not, or would not, practice.

*Flower5* Suggestions: There were no real 'errors', just points where I needed to pause and pnder the exact meaning. Too many of those in a story and the reader is lost, in both senses of the word.

*Note3* "Sparsely, but comfortably, furnished with a bed, a desk, a comfy chair and a coffeepot, it was more of a landing place between trips than a home." 'Comfy' is a slang shortening of the word 'comfortable' - to resuethe same word in such close proximity implies a lack of vocabulary - defintely not evident elsewhere.

*Note3* "the mystical tale of ‘the invisible father’ grew more troublesome and one of those things he’d soon enough just forget about entirely." I admit to having ruminated a bit here - do you mean 'one of those things he'd as soon forget about'? The other way sounds as though he is still to forget it.

*Note3* "So he grew up without the fabled father and managed quite well, thank you very much." Why was the father a 'fabled' one? I mean one grows up with or without a 'fabled' silver spoon in one's mouth, but fathers are real. Another thing, he managed pretty ill, lonely and longing for a meaningful realtionship. That is not just my prection, a few lines later we find him seeking books, which succeed in "transporting him far away from the empty, colorless one he lived in."

*Note3* "Part Kona and part Kenyan, the smell of it while brewing was enough to get his blood moving. Rather than stand there wishing it was already coffee," It was already coffee, only it was not ready for him to drink; the brew or decoction is no more coffee than the powder was. Maybe you could make 'rather than stand there wishing it was ready.'?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.
105
105
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Shannon . Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: Ah, another foreign title. But, this one was of a level harder to guess the meaning. I cannot comment upon the whether or not it was apt - I wonder if I got the translation correct.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning is a good scene setter, it introduces one of the main characters in brilliant detail, making a simple action tell a lot. The Italian jarred, the hint to turn to the translator comes at the end, I had no dictionary handy (unlike the protagonist) and I found that even more frustrating than he did.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting was picture postcard perfect. Plenty of detail of scenery and weather, I'd even say it was rather top-heavy there.

*Flower5* The Characters: I could not visualise any of the main characters, except the photographer - Mr. Bianchi himself. There you do a good job of bringing the image prompt to life. But, the narrator, the grandparents, not a single one is in full focus. One gets not even a glimpse of certain characters like Uncle Vinny or the 'little cousins', they remain just names, at best.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The tale was full of descriptions, it read more like a travel guide. I did find it intersting in parts but at times the details about the paintings, the Italian names included, it palled after a while. At other points there was a creation of atmosphere that was discarded in the next paragraph, never to be revisited. "The beautiful Contarini fountain looked exactly as Grandpa had described, standing sentry at the square's center, its ashen tritons as still as death itself. Their unseeing orbs seemed to follow me, consider me, disregard me. An unexpected chill coursed through my veins, and I averted my eyes." One never learns why the chill was at that one point. It is as inexplicable as making a delectable icing and then serving the cake just layered with jam.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It was helpful for you to point the reader at one source of elucidation, 'Google translate'. I was not inclined to do so as reader, but as judge I did take the time to find out the meanings of all the complicated sentences. Especially since they seemed to be integral to the progress of the tale. I thought popnotes would have been better. For example . Frankly, however well written, the plethora of ununderstable words would have made me abandon this tale halfway. That would have a pity, it was worth the read in the end.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified. 13+ *Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item. 1793 words*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: It took a direction that was not expected, part nostalgic, part horror. The combination was unusual. If in the end I failed to undestand the guide's or videographer's motive, it took nothing away from a meticulous presentation and well created setting.

*Flower5* Suggestions: There were no obvious errors, just a couple of point where my mind wanted to stop and ponder. If that happens too often in a story, a reader might be dissuaded from perusing it to the end.

*Note2*"I could hear music and laughter from thirty directions, and delectable aromas from every corner made my mouth water."
'From all four directions', 'from all directions', 'from every street and alley' - why 'thirty directions'? I'd add more punch by making the second part a little different, not about directions and corners but soemthing like: 'delectable aromas assaulted my nose and wrested a covetuous sigh from a watering mouth'.

*Note2*"My host family was nice and welcomed me as one of their own." Even wayyyyyyyyyy back in high school, and it would embarass me to say exactly how far back that was, this word was cosnidered a last resort. Only to be sued if you had exhausted all the other adjectives in your lexicon. I am talking about the word 'nice'. Such a bland overused and almost meaningless word.

*Note2*"Beautiful women scurried through snow drifts in expensive heels, "
That seemed a bit incongruous, there are enough stylish boots available to make tackling drifts in heels highly impractical at best, foolhardy at worst.



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.
106
106
Review of Captured  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello JACE . Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: It is a strange coincidence that there are two stories entered in this competition with the same title. Both have used the word with subtle undercurents of suggestion, making a play on alternative meanings of the word. Yet, the two are not in the least headed in the same direction. Well done, both of you.

*Flower5* The Beginning: You are a talented and capable writer. I think you are fast making a name for yourself. When I saw your name on the list of qualified entires I remember noting that I was in for a treat. This beginning had it down pat - introduces the main character and his daughter, starts with a bit of strong emotion and action, one that contrasts the rest of the tale.

*Flower5* The Setting: The emotional setting was well created, the father's agony and fear, the worry and the constant reliving of the past moment, the opportunity that slipped away. I just wondered why his subconscious took so long to kick in. Even the police seem unhurried in the investigation, it is a fact that children not found in the first few days rarely turn up alive.

*Flower5* The Characters: Chelsea - a vibrant energetic nine-year-old. Was the use of two similar adjectives required? Vibrant alone made enough impact, maybe something a little different for the second - 'playful', 'loving', 'mischievous'? The father was seen in three dimensions, all emotional description, no actual physical details. It is hard but not impossible to add these in first person narratives.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: There was detailed description and parts of it were vivid and detailed in an entirely natural way. Other places made me do a double take and turn back to confirm first impression. For example: "In a rage, I put my fist through the face, sending shards of glass everywhere.

It was funny--the first sensation I'd felt in a long time was something warm running down my leg. In my fear, I had pissed myself."
The emotion described was rage, not fear. I thought the sensation would be of something warm running down his fingers, from bleeding and lacerated knuckles. Good description, but the situation was not plausible.

It happens more than once:"The room was dark and silent as a tomb, no trace of the screams that had once again awoken me remained." Why would traces of dream sounds remain? If the room was 'a silent reprimand for the splitting screams that had earleir wakened him', that might be smoother. Not dictating choice of words here, just suggesting a re-look at the way the sentence stands now.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: There were a few things that teased me.
The unsub must have been watching and waiting for the opportunity. If he does this on a serial basis, he has been stalking the child for some time. He knows she is being filmed, he chooses to leave behind evidence.

The first thing investigating officers would do is try and determine what everybody on the scene was doing at the moment the incident occurred. What's that you say sir? You were filming her? Oh, we won't ask where's the camera, or try and develop the film, to see if by chance it captured anything.

Bereaved relatives often look at or through photographs of their loved one, if there was film in that camera, the natural thing would be to get it developed, to see that glimpse of the child. Or even to hold the last thing she wore, the item of clothing she last took off, so on and so forth. To not think of the last snaps he took of her was a mental block of drastic proportions.

The camera was on atripod, presumably focused at the child's head and body height. The adult perp would not have been seen unless he bent down and gave the camera an eyeful. He might have approached from the wrong side, had his back to the camera, even blocked view of what transpired, so many ifs and buts for the convenient capture of the event.

One never gets to know exactly what clue was spotted in that film, how they identified the perp with only an on-camera glimpse of him, how they zeroed in on his hideout in such a short time.

Then end makes for a perfect repeat of the catch phrase and the meaning you chose to give the word. It seemed a tad unrealistic that the child would recover in such a dramatic fashion as to want to repeat an activity that had precipitated the traumatic experience, want to use a word whose meaning she must have learned as a bright ten-year-old.



*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified. 18+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item. 1968*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: The tale might have had some lacunae, thrillers are notorious for being hard to make choherent and palusible - but he story was well written and made for good reading. It took a direction that was not expected, had a good 'hook' and was meticulous in presentation.

*Flower5* Suggestions: I saw no biggies to note, just tiny little niggles that had me pausing at the wrong moments. Take a look and see what you think ...

*Note4*"it floated away leaving me shaking." I thought a comma was needed, after 'away'."

*Note4*"Since her disappearance, I've had precious little rest." The rest of the tale is in impeccable past tense narration, this should have been - 'Since her disappearance, I'd had precious little rest'.

*Note4*"five little girls had been abducted and found four weeks later, dead, a fact I focused on to my embarrassment." I wondered why he should be embarassed to focus on that, it would be a natural point of concern, surely?

*Note4*"I left the light off() preferring to remain hidden, shrouded in my despair" A comma at the point indicated by the paired brackets?

*Note4*"I needed to pull myself together for Chelsea's sake.

I was just splashing water on my face when Agent Coates arrived twenty minutes later."
Then what was he doing for all of those twenty minutes after he decides to pull himslef together?



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.
107
107
Review of He saw Nazi UFO's  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Oldwarrior . Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: Wow, this was one title that came in from nowhere - I was eager to see how it tied in with the prompt. The incongruity of the time zones, the 40's, and the 60's at least, works to generate interest for the readers who are not familiar with the contest prompt. One of the purposes of the title is well served.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning would be the part where the physical setting is created, the main characters introduced and before the main action. Somehow, this one felt top-heavy, a lot of 'filler' to explain the character. When talking about times and events unfamiliar to most the details should be eased in, not bristle out of the opening paragraphs in profusion. I wanted to see the man, not learn so much about Goebbels or Gehlen or Schutzstaffel.

*Flower5* The Setting: It's funny, there was so much detail, there was little room for setting. The emotions needed to be brought out here, the misery, the horror, the atrocious conditions have all been described before - yet, it behooves any author to recreate it for the story.

*Flower5* The Characters: The protagonist is introduced in the beginning with: "In reality, he was a cameraman; a very good one, but his only true claim to fame was as second place camera assistant in the film ‘Sweethearts’ with Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy." It would work if you made the claim ridiculous, here it comes across as a genuine staking of importance and falls far short. Who ever knows who even the 'first place' cameraman is, whatever that post is? There is a lot of detail about Otto, but one fails to feel for him, there's no empathy, no sympathy. Basically, he was someone who could have chosen to stay in America, on the side of the 'good guys' - instead he ends up in Germany and colludes, collaborates. There's no nice way of saying it.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: When describing the horrors of the camp there is article-like presentation of facts, not enough 'showing'. 'Showing takes more words but there were enough words to spare, about 500. I'll give you an example:
"Rascher was in charge of the Institute's experiments at Dachau, and was the first to request "test subjects", who were frozen in low-pressure chambers and vats of icy water," It goes on to describe the atrocities in full clinical detail, I am omitting that bit for the purpose of discussion. Suppose, one were to say instead: 'Hesitating at the door of the room, he saw this cadaverous pale officer fussing with his papers; pale blue eyes were a compelling force drawing him within. He might have been an ascetic by looks alone, he later proved he was the exact opposite. He had a fervour, but it was so single minded that human suffering was inconsequent to the pursuit of science.' I think just a passing reference to his being the brain behind the monstrous experiemnts and researches carried out there would suffice to add detail to atmosphere.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: One fails to see what the problem is, the story's problem - even the story's conflict. I think that may have been because there is no real resolution; the war gets over, yes, but the war was not the problem. It was unusual definitely, yet, I felt the subject had the prompt in it just in passing. It did not revolve around it as many of the others did.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified. 13+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item. 1474 words*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: It took me to a place I had not been before, I had seen innumerable movies, but this was a rare story setting for me.

*Flower5* Suggestions: There were no real biggies, your grammar and proof reading are both of a high order. Just a couple of points where my mind paused for a second.

*Note4*"He knew he had to escape of meet a similar fate." I think that is an inadvertent typo - it should be 'or'.

*Note4*"He was smuggled out of the complex by several of his Mountaineering friends "Why a capital 'M'?

*Note4*"His professional luck changed in 1937() when a friend of a relative in Germany got him an appointment to see Joseph Goebbels, the Nazi Minister of Propaganda." I wondered if a comma was required in the place suggested by the paired brackets. There were other places where I wondered if there should be an extra comma or two. I am from the school of thought that thinks commas are put in wherever one naturally pauses in the reading of the item. I know that is not the correct method, so feel free to ignore me.

*Note4*"Although Otto did not see Goebbels personally, he; along with his slightly exaggerated resume, was hired immediately at a very respectable salary."I thought that the parts on either side of a semi-colon had to be able to stand as independent sentences themselves?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.
108
108
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello youme - welcome to a review from "Invalid Item. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: The title sums up a situation - it may be literal, it may be ironic - but it would be intriguing to see what this man had. Yes, the intro is used to increase the information given in the title, but it fails on one score. Titles and intros are like the clothes worn for a first date, they must not only be selected and matched with care, they must be pristine and immaculate. I mean, check for grammar and spelling errors, first impressions count. Here you have "An old man's story about nurcing home troubles." Spell-check would have caught that, a second read would too.

*Flower5* The Beginning: What I said about the title and intro holds double true for any beginning. It must be sharp, focused and 'set' the tone of the story in few lines, it too must be error-free. Take your first line:
"My bare foot brakes through the thin ice and sinks into soft moss." I think the word would be 'breaks', although there might be some slowing of motion by the action. The error is simple, understandable and one any of us might make. However, this early in the write, it isn't going to induce much confidence in the reader that this will be a polished write. Take especial care at least for the first and last bits.


*Flower5* The Setting: The setting is detailed, it slows down the action. What a contradiction, without setting one cannot 'see' action. Too much setting slow the pace. How much is enough? You have to re-read it, or get others to do so, then revise and polish.

*Flower5* The Characters: I needed to 'see' the narrator, we had so much of the setting one felt one was groping through a thicket of information, trying to glimpse the central character. I admit I skipped a bit, the numerous typos/errors dissuaded me from giving it close attention. Still, it seemed a bit lacking.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Oh, there was description enough, lots of pithy metaphor. But that is not the only criterion. The thing about a metaphor is, that to be effective, it must fit. If I said 'fit like a glove' that would be trite. If I said 'fit like a Russian Mamma doll', the image is vivid but not appropriate. But how about if I said, 'fits like a swimsuit on a final round Miss World contestant'?

Now, take a second look at your metaphor, in the second line:
"My labored breath comes like the steam from a locomotive" Laboured breathing and a locomotive's steam do not match. If it was described as one climbing a steep gradient, or having run out of coal five miles back, the idea of someone gasping may come to mind.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The tense jumps around a bit. First person, Present tense is difficult to do in any tale. I find myself preferring the third person, past tense narrative, myself. But, to jump around from sentence to sentence only confuses. For e.g.:
In one place you have: (I quote just a bit)"the guard closes the door with a resounding clang."
That is closely followed by:"The fake short I had established over the past few days yielded the desired result." Should that not be 'yields'? Or, 'has yielded'?

Lots of errors, from simple 'there/their' confusion to the using of abbreviations (tho') without any apostrophe. I'd suggest a good twice over.

Lastly, the end had me reeling. One cannot be illogical. If a tale is being told, as in narrated, to kill off the character is taking liberties not appreciated by many. Even making it a diary entry being read by somebody else is a let-down. This was just impossible. I'm sorry, I cannot suspend belief long enough to 'buy' it.

Yet others have liked the tale, and liked it enough to give it 4.5 stars on the average. I can only beg your pardon, but this did not reach the heights it could have. A good idea, some great description, the nucleus of a gripping read.


*Flower5* What I liked: The setting was done in great detail, I happen to like good description. "The tree twisted together like the yarn in that crazy scarf Trudy gave me"

You can have too much of a good thing though. *Laugh*


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are not made from any pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more from a concerned reader who found a couple of hiccups in the read. I detail a few only, you may find more.
*Cut* "Any exercise was to much for me."
*Paste* Your third line and it has the third hiccup. I think you mean 'too much'.

*Cut*"The short sprint to the tree line proved worth while."
*Paste*I would have written that as 'worthwhile', one word. Or perhaps 'worth my while'.

*Cut*"I just exsepted that a person I met a month ago is dead, as if it dosn't matter..."
*Paste* 'accepted'? Definitely 'doesn't'.

*Cut*"the next time the road seams clear ..."
*Paste* For a second I thought of the lines down a road, running like seams down a garment's length. I was distracted but came back to find it not making sense. Then I got it, 'seems'.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

A Simply Positive multi-signature.
109
109
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello ~WhoMe???~ , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I reviewed your port pretty often, I have feasted on the stories, I now turn to the poetry. A poem written for your sister and her beau, that is a new one, I had to peruse the tribute.

*Flower5* The General Impression: Does this form have a specific name? I found the idea attractive, to use the last word of one stanza to begin the next, the echo effect is pleasing. The rhyme is simple, alternate, direct end rhyme. abcb. No attempt at meter, although 5-4-5-4 or 4-5-4-5 would not be hard to achieve. Still the lines are short and simple enough to create a cadence of their own.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: There are two kinds of love hidden within. The first is easy to spot, it belongs to the lovers true, a sweet and pure note. The other is the sibling love, the one that made you pen this tribute, that is deep and clear, it strikes straight to the heart.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: It was the word 'accompany', in the third verse. It made the line long and unwieldy, breaking the smooth flow of the read. Could you not use a synonym, like 'escort' or even the simple 'shadow'?


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: Except for that one word, not a single hiccup.




Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
110
110
Review of Time marches on  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello jaya , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: It was not the impressive ribbon, that generally dissuades me, I am afraid I would have little to add in a much lauded piece. It was more the title, a subject that has fascinated philosophers aplenty from - let's face it - time immemorial. I wrote a piece called "Time Passes", but the resemblance ends with the title, yet it served to deepen my interest to read within.

*Flower5* The General Impression: The profound thoughts blew me away, only one passionate about the subject could project so much emotion in her words. Free verse is one of the most difficult forms, contrary its popularity with amateur poets. It has no props, no rhyme, no cadence, to allure and attract. It must stand on the strength of words and form alone. This one is a warning to us, to get serious about that which surrounds us.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: A powerful subject handled with passion and sincerity. You use alliteration to the full, I think it is a subtle device that garners attention without much fanfare. "Continents commiserate", "disastrous deforestation" & "abomination of aggression".

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: I thought the last line was too long, it made the poem 'bottom heavy'. Free verse would allow you to break that up, if you so wished. Again, I suggest this only because it is otherwise such an emotive piece and the ending must be strong - contain a sucker punch.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"Yet ,time marches on." This contains the title, so the mistake becomes a glaring one, rather than the minor typo it should be. The comma should be shifted one place to the left - 'Yet, time marches on'.



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
111
111
Review of Ever Thankful  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello It's too hot already! , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: The story is non-fictional, it is about four lives brought together through compassion, the title implies as much. It is a short tale, I found myself wanting to know about these four people who had been brought together.

*Flower5* The General Impression: A wonderful adoptive family, the parents are full of compassion and love to take in so many street dwellers, the homestead has half-a-dozen by the time the tale is posted. A mix of characters, some scarred by their time when homeless, some indomitable despite it all.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: The narrator is a real character, the bubble of mischief, the frank admission of brat-ish behaviour, these steal one's heart. There is a twist in the tale, perhaps not quite unexpected, and yet well worked. I liked it at any rate.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: This is not always a bad thing, to stop and ponder. I wish all of us had this much room in our hearts for the lesser fortunate ones. The photograph and the caption are superb, to adopt an advertising catchphrase that way - priceless.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

I just felt the story raced through things a bit, kind of impatient to get to the end. It would have helped if those deft caricatures were fleshed out a little.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
112
112
Review of The Blue Mustang  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello anastasia beyverhausen , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I like flash fiction, they are the subtle hors d'oeuvres of writing. The title is short but tells us of a specific make and colour of car, it must be germane to the story, but how? That was enough to make me plunge right in. I know some people who prefer shorter works so that the reviews can be kept short and sweet too, but that's not my motive!

*Flower5* The General Impression: All the required elements are in there, a difficult thing to do with such restrictive word limitations. Problem, Conflict and Resolution. Characters, Description and Setting. Beginning, Middle and End. Cut it which way you want, all the layers are visible. A story of revenge, the quote about it being a dish best enjoyed cold would perhaps make a better intro than the message 'contest entry' that currently forms the intro.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: It had a twist in the tail, the tale had a twist. I enjoy being misdirected if I am not driving. The tale had little time to do more than show us a bizarre action, give us a bit of back-story to justify it and last, zoom in on the unexpected result. Good work. The dialogue was deft, even the internal dialogue, to get this right is to make the action work better.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: I have read 55 word stories that got it in, so it should not be all that difficult. A tad more descriptive work, especially for the characters? We know they are identical twins, that was a deft touch, but what did they look like? .(Other than each other?*Laugh*) A couple of words - eyes, hair, build - would do.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:
Michelle is spelled as Michelee at one point, a typo? "Michelee had been stood up by Josh Baine ..."




Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
113
113
Review of Wedding Proposal  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello anastasia beyverhausen , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: This one had an intro that effectively enhanced and raised expectations

*Flower5* The General Impression: So Page Six is the space for Society News? Here we call it Page Three. A capsule of observations about a particular set of people, one evidently not admired by the author.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: It builds up the tension and then releases it at the end with the 'upset'. It gave a 'spoiled brat' a taste of what she normally dished out to others. The characters were caricatured well, we hated the woman as soon as she started throwing tantrums, we rejoiced in knowing that her humiliation was certain.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: The names Stanhope and Stanford are similar enough to confuse, if there no reason not to, consider changing one of them. For each of these has different roles, one is both confidante and the one with an ace up his sleeve, the other is the intended bridegroom.

Why did Stanford sound sheepish when asking her when Stanhope proposed? Or have I misunderstood the meaning of 'sheepish'? Why was he 'sounding a little pressured' - was he abrupt? Or did he break off to talk to someone else and then resume the conversation? Would it be enough if you say he sounded ill at ease and not his normal ebullient self?

The denouement is expected, the twist is trite enough to be a proclaimed detour. Make it about someone unexpected, say a cruise ship stewardess or the Ski Resort nurse.



*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:
It is hard to fit all suggestions into a 300 word or less story, yet there were bits where the description could have been condensed and some other details added:

"Erica could not control her excitement any longer.

"Paul bought a ring," she screamed."

Now, if you just said 'Erica blurted', the feeling of not being able to contain excitement is expressed. The screaming reiterates what you already mention. I think you could then add a line about how long they had been seeing each other - why she thinks she is the girl to whom he will propose? Maybe: 'After all, we're both from the same class and cut, that always matters.'


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
114
114
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello anastasia beyverhausen , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: Yes, there is a Friendship Code, like the Bro Code or even the Omerta of the Mafia. A story about the rules of friendship intrigues, it would do well do deepen that with a deft intro. Instead of informing us it was a contest entry (that is better placed within, perhaps with a link to the actual contest - payback.) Why not mention that the protagonist are children and that a frog comes into it, kissing too, but it is not the frog who gets kissed! *Laugh*

*Flower5* The General Impression: It is an appealing story, I gritted my teeth to avoid the word 'cute'. *Laugh* One doesn't know exactly why this unusual child is willing to purchase toads for a kiss each, perhaps it is one way of getting her chosen knight to both prove his valour and work for his reward? Cute - oops - I said it!

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: The children were well detailed, especially Ella's poking finger and the pseudo-belligerent attitude. If the hero did not know a frog from a toad, he at least knew when to play his ace of trumps. Good one.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: Is 'Geez Louise' a kind of rhyming slang, a term to signify exasperation? Is it widely known? Does it have any special significance? Would not a more generic and child-like 'Golly Gee' do? For it is the very beginning, it might be my fault for not knowing a term widely used where you come from, but it did make my comprehension hiccup.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*Cut* "Don't you know the difference?" She spat, walking off.
*Paste* Did she really spit? Or were the words 'spat out'?

*Cut* "A good friend never goes back on their word"
*Paste* A friend, his word. (or her word). Friends, their words. I think a just making it 'Friends never go back on their word.' would solve the problem.



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
115
115
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Daizy May , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: You know what I love about this site? The fact that each little item is not unlike a fortune cookie, you have to bite into it, to break the surface open to see what you have. You are right, it may not be exactly what you would have thought, or written, but it gives you a thought to use as springboard for your own. An inspiration to overcome your writing block. Thanks for this wonderful Fortune Cookie: Ideas hide in strange places. *Laugh*

*Flower5* The General Impression: This read so 'real', I was there besides you as you read the fortune and then went on a journey inside your own mind. It could have had more setting, more description to tell us about 'the semi-transparent paper that smelled of something elusive, not quite perfume, nor yet an aroma, something that summed up Chinese food.' But, it was clear and complete as it was. It needed nothing else to gain comprehension.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: It described something I have often felt, the meaning is not what is written, but what you take from it. I once mis-heard the words of a popular song, trite became profound by the change of one word. Everafter I always heard only my version whene'er the song was played.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: See, things do - make us stop and think. It is not always a bad thing. It can be, as in your tale, something that gives us more, not less, after that pause.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:Thanks for this profound wisdom - that thoughts are more than Fortune Cookies!


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
116
116
Review of The Key  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Daizy May , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: The title is cryptic, it could contain the key to something magic, it might just be a mundane house key. I imagined a large hotel and keys to every room, I never even saw the allegory, the metaphor, until half-way through! Marvelous! I really, really liked this!

*Flower5* The General Impression: Simple and pleasing arrangement, one that is popular with many poets, quatrains, with alternate lines rhyming, abcb. The rhyme is direct end rhyme for the most part. It is not easy to keep it simple and yet attract. A laudable effort.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: It is gentle, it is joyous, it talks of just reward and kind renewal after a good life. I would it had redeemed even the repentant sinner, but maybe that is a big ask.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: There is no attempt to keep the syllables to an even count, to achieve metered rhyme, forget the stresses of higher versions. That is not to say it is less attractive, only that if read aloud, this staggers a bit. Even count would help there.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

There is a POV even in poetry, did it seem as though this one shifted it - from the Key to the old man?

"standing tall and bent no more" One wonders if the old man is 'tall no more' or 'bent no more'? There is no counting of syllables to stop you, why not make things more clear, thus: "No longer bent, standing tall once more,". Or any other arrangement of your choice.



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
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In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Daizy May , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: Dr. Seuss, I grew up on him! My kids read him, my grand-kids, when they arrive, will find their room lined with this books!! Wonderful, I had to come to the party.

*Flower5* The General Impression: This is a great tribute with a superb image to decorate it. It looks almost as though he and the Snoogle-tailed Whatalumpus(goat?) are having an eye-to-eye confrontation.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: The rhymes were reminiscent of his works indeed, the only difference being that his lines often had rhythm too, it gave it a great read aloud cadence. Highlighting the related words in colour made sense, except that the yellow was dificult to pick out against this background. Could you make them coloured and bold?

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: In the second last verse, you have Where The Sidewalk Ends italicized but not coloured, any reason?


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"Grant met this wish and I'll do it for free!!" I think that should be 'me'?



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
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Review of My World  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello GabriellaR45 , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden [E]

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I was thrilled to see your name up on the leader board at SAJ, one rarely has the opportunity to thank the wonderful leader that you are! A review would be a good choice for showing the gratitude that ebbs eternal in our hearts.

Many of your earlier items are labeled 'Not for Review or Rating', not in those exact words, but in a pleading note. Why not set the preference to 'E-mail comments', that will achieve the same purpose.

*thinks for a moment and then reason dawns*

Yes, but it would not be as informative or kind in letting the reader know the reason for that preference. You show your gentle and thoughtful side even here.


*Flower5* The General Impression: I think you show great poetry in your photographs. Black and White is a difficult medium, yet it can be effective and arresting in its beauty. The close-up of wildflowers was excellent, I could 'see' a plant that grows wild around here, it is called Vinca, also known as Periwinkle.

Colours are also used to good effect, the light and shade of your favourite reading place make that picture appealing. Or the endless stretch of road bordered by 'miles of cornfields'.


*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: I also liked the painting (elsewhere) that was decorated with a poem, but I wondered if it was all Nova's, or the painting at least was yours. The colours were striking and unconventionally used, the strokes bold and reminiscent of Impressionism. The photo here, of 'The Creek at Daybreak', had the same charm.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: What are photographs doing on a writing site? I think that wordcraft is the ability to paint an image in bits of speech and thought. Painting just gives us new muses and inspiration. To plan a good photograph, to capture the heart of emotion, it takes a good artist to do that. A writer can admire artistry of another sort.


*Flower5* Suggestions: I have none.

I understand your Inbox may get clogged from all the reviews if you allow us to make them, but may one at least take one's headgear off in silent admiration?


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Walking in the rain SAJ signature
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing celebration for Rising Star's M2M reviews - December.

Rising Stars Member to Member Reviewing Sig


This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: Great title, the number three is magical anyway. Think of the number of titles that have three incongruous items as a group. "The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe" is one that springs to mind. Of course, it might be better to give the latter two word first letter capitals, in your title. That is title case, unless you have a reason for implying the Interruption is important, the leaves and their music aren't?

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning has one setting, the latter half has quite another, even the pace is contrasting. I think the rest captivated me more than the cluttered beginning. It had too much to do - introduce the situation, the 'new' partner, the rules, the shift from town to country, the chores, the need to keep in touch with former colleagues and friends. We do not need to know all of that, even if all true, we can be told just enough to know about the narrator's being new to that life.

*Flower5* The Setting: This was exquisite, especially towards the end. The beginning lagged a bit here too.

*Flower5* The Characters: The characters are clear and in the foreground, City Girl and Country Boy. Handsome, Fun Country Boy. Willing-to-adjust and Has-a-sense-of-humour City Girl. Some bits of description are vivid, some are simple, it all adds up to a clear image of both.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I liked some of the bits:
"The crisp air stabs like pine needles into my nose." or "the calmness of the river standing behind him is like a backdrop of glass wavering slightly ..."Some of the sentences were confusing, especially the longer ones. Try to keep them short, for better clarity.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It is a tale that is true to life, it has a lesson that is often quoted - 'stop and smell the roses'. Only here it would be:'Stop to hear the music of the falling leaves'.

*Flower5* What I liked: It has a gentle acceptance of nature's bounty and marvels, a lesson that time is not for hurrying, but sometimes for just letting go.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"I did not want to be wanted anywhere else." Is the word repeat deliberate? Or is it something that can be changed to make meaning clear? Is it for some wry humour that I failed to get?

"Puddles of dust and remnants of tiny sticks remind me, vacuum today" Internal dialogue needs to be set off by italics or single quotes, preferably the former.

"I reverted back to ..." 'To revert' implies going back to something, reverting back is repetition, a tautology.

"My daughter's little dollar store green sandals I have slipped on do little to protect my socks against the moistness ... " Whoa! Warning! Long confusing sentence! Crying out for punctuation. Use shorter sentences. They are crisp. Clear. Easy to understand.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Image #1491704 over display limit. -?-
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Review of Miracles  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Shari's happy to be back : , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing celebration for Rising Star's M2M Monthly reviews - December.
Rising Stars Member to Member Reviewing Sig

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: The title is short, yet explicit, it tells that something wonderful and out of this world lies within. It might be referring to the need for attitude change in the staff at a busy ER. Otherwise, I did not think it was the best title for this piece.

*Flower5* The Beginning: There is a lot of adverb usage, not as heavy as the hand with which I sprinkle pepper on my pastas and baked casseroles, but enough to give anyone sensitive a couple of sneeze!*Laugh* Carefully, tenderly, grimly, furiously ... these tend to diminish the effect of any part. Try a descriptive phrase in its stead. For e.g.:
"... started calmly leafing through it..." 'He looked through the pages on the magazine with intent gaze, was he able to read those laudatory articles of successful people or did the gleaming smiles of captivating models hold his interest?' It would also serve to highlight his later statement, that he did not know what he read, but he tried to take his mind of the events occurring.


*Flower5* The Setting: The setting could be made more vivid, especially with your background, having worked in the ER yourself. One needs to 'see' the frenzied activity, the organized chaos, so to speak. A little humour helps to highlight tension, an overzealous technician, an eager guard, a child who has got into troubel ... the possibilities are endless.

I remember once taking out the end of a pencil's eraser from a kid's nose and remarking that it was difficult to see how it could be an 'accident'. The kid waxed indignant and cried out,"it was so an accident. It is the new scented kind, see ... I just wanted to smell it ... like this," here, he took a deep breath. Ooops! In went the eraser bit, again. I not only had the procedure to repeat, but I got a drubbing from my senior for being careless with a child. *Laugh*

I am not saying it is a must, just that it is a device used by the best of writers.


*Flower5* The Characters: I could not 'see' either the husband or the wife. OK, perhaps the former, a bit. He is at least made out to be indifferent and then later shown as caring but nervous. The wife is shoved into the background. A little description would work wonders. When she is struggling for hours, just that bland statement tells us nothing. Tell us how her head turns from side to side on the pillow with each contraction, not from pain, from worry. Her hair comes loose from the bun coiled on her neck and billows out in a cloud of gold. Tell us how she clenches her hands until the knuckles are white, but her face is flushed with anxiety. Can you see her now? I can.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I am great believer in the 'less is more' mantra. I mean that one should use the simplest word possible to describe something. If there is an exact word to describe something, one made for the exact situation, then by all means, use it. Like a susurration ran through the assembled gathering as they saw the bride blanch and sway before the altar.' The kind of whisper that builds and sweeps through a crowd is described by that word; even if not commonly used, it is appropriate. One that does not enhance meaning, but causes a break in comprehension is better avoided:
"The husband, a dark, forbearing looking man..." Now here it is 'telling', not showing', in what way was his expression 'forbearing' rather than indifferent? Did his shoulders droop with resignation? Was there a defeated, yet hopeful anguish in his eyes? Yet, this word is repeated, un-embellished, in describing the father.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It is a salutatory lesson, not to forget the loved ones' reactions might not always be the expected, not to judge and discriminate based on a hasty summing up of attitude. One needs to show compassion to even those who do not seem to deserve it.

*Flower5* What I liked: Unusual setting, pithy message. The progress of the events as 'one hour', 'two hours' etc make the tension build up. I felt time could be indicated, as a ready reference, but this way is fine, too.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:Just a couple of niggles -

"... it wasn't as though he cared enough to waste time on..." Two different sets of emotions, two different sources of action. The father does not care enough, so the staff does not wish to waste time upon him. It is not clear in the sentence, but that is what I thought you meant. Perhaps -:'If he had cared more, they might have spent a little time bothering about him; as it was, they forgot him.'

"Maybe he doesn't want the baby, the nurse whispered(,) before smiling reassuringly at the young mother. I thought the two contrasting emotions work well to enhance each other, nurses often do this, hide one message under a facade of reassurance. But, it does need that suggested comma.

"... to buy himself something edible to eat..." Anything fit to eat is edible, one of those words is redundant.



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Image #1491704 over display limit. -?-
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Review of A Single Tear  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Grace , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing celebration for Rising Star's M2M reviews for December.
Rising Stars Member to Member Reviewing Sig
.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: The title is a gem of imagery, it has poignant emotion standing bright and clear. I also happen to be a fan of LMM's A of GG series. I had to read this Fanfic.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I think this is one of the hardest types of stories to write, avid fans are unlikely to agree that you have caught the flavour of the original. Put it down to that, but I felt the spontaneity, the freshness of Anne, the gentle wit and unique observations were lacking for the most part. You get it right at a couple of point, like the bit where she laments that she would has never got to 'hold' him, that she could do it now, but it wouldn't be 'holding' in the right sense, because he couldn't 'hold back'!

*Flower5* The Setting: Fanfic sticks to the original style, but from what I remember, LMM did do some great setting. Perhaps you felt that it would consume too many words? One deft metaphor, one compelling sentence, that is all it takes. Great settings are not always verbose meanderings of phrases. For example:

"She fell asleep in that position, holding on to Gilbert's hand." That could become 'She sat on the cold floor, her legs curled under her, one arm stretched out to clasp Gilbert's limp hand, her head bent upon the crinkled sheets disturbed by his tossing and turning. That's how she fell asleep.' Does it provide more setting? Is it even required? You are the best judge, I but offer example of what it could become if you so desire.


*Flower5* The Characters: Anne always though in a 'different' way, her reactions were never the stuff of which the madding crowds were made. I saw little of that side. A more romantic side, a girl desperately in love, that is what is visible. Did I like it? I don't quite know, if it were anybody but Anne, I might. Gilbert is too pale, already fading by the time we see him, difficult to comment upon this one.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The story tries to capture a whole life in the span of a short story, some parts are therefore skimped, description gives way to relation of events.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The story was complete in itself, not a 'slice of life', not a chapter, a whole story, from girlhood to the full fruit of life.

*Flower5* What I liked: The end was exquisite and tied in well with the half dream, half premonition, that Anne has at Gilbert's bedside. The title gains in meaning from this ending. Good work.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:A few minor hiccups - comma placement, the mot juste at some points, etc. etc.

"She made three futile attempts to call out to him, as he was about to pass she finally succeeded." I thought, since both parts of that sentence could stand on their own, a semi-colon, or a conjunction, might be more apt than a comma. Would you agree?

"Pacifique turned at the sound of her voice, spotting her(,) he stopped." I thought one more comma was required there, but those slippery wriggly kin of tadpoles are not my forte, I merely suggest it.

"They a'said he won' be her by eve'nen" Apostrophes suggest omitted letters. I will let the first word go, I do not know what is the word/phrase being converted to colloquial form there. But in the second: eve'nen the word is 'evening'. If anything, it should be evenin', the hard 'g' is missing.

"... he resumed his walk and whistling..." It should be 'his walking and whistling' or 'his walk, whistling again, as he did so'.



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
Image #1491704 over display limit. -?-
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Kotaro Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: The Lady of the Lake, your spirit has shades of another tale entirely. The association served to make me more interested in reading this rendition. Is this an adaptation of a folk tale, or your own story? The intro suggest the former, if it is indeed the latter, perhaps you could alter it a little. Say - 'A story of a lake and its spirit, set in Japan'?

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning was a bit confusing, the second sentence was both long and combined two separate facts. The 'hero' loves to travel - fact number one. He he unmoved by beautiful vistas though, he is blind - fact number two. It might serve better to have these in two different sentences. The sounds that delight him are well detailed, I especially liked "the sigh of waves sinking into the sand".

*Flower5* The Setting: You have a bent for description and yet the settings do not come to vivid life. There is fish for food, there are kimonos, there is tea to be drunk, yet Japan is not brought strongly to mind. Some more emotion needs to be shown perhaps? For example, in this dialogue:
"Have you any food? I would gladly share the miserable lunch my wife made for me." Perhaps if you were to add a bit to show that deprecation of one's possession was intended to honour the other person, not belittle oneself? Maybe Gonta has thoughts of how his dear wife had laboured so hard to make his favourite food, yet it would not do to praise her efforts, lest it implied the other had no one to do the same?


*Flower5* The Characters: Annin needs to be more in the forefront, to stand out from the characters he meets, his gait, his demeanour, his voice, his appearance, all need to be sketched in. After all, we can, and must, see. The spirit evokes a wash of pity and empathy, kudos for managing that, and for making this fantasy tale about environmental pollution too.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Sometimes the things need to explained, if Annin is blind, his ears would have become attuned to voices, yet we need to be told how he discerns age from a voice. Perhaps the younger speaker has a strength and vigour in his speech; he rushes into comments too, impatient to share his thoughts. The elder man has a more measured tone, softer and slower. He shows patience, too - perhaps he blows on the morsel he picks up with his chopsticks? Or eats one more piece before responding to the other's comments?

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I liked the fact that you make a pitch for communities to respect environment, yet retain the flavour of a folk tale.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above. It barely evokes the picture, but it can be said to have evolved from the prompt. I cannot say it is based on it.*Confused*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified:13+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item: 1973*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the tone and direction of the tale.

*Flower5* Suggestions: There's enough to show that you take great care in your writing, meticulous editing and well chosen words. There were no marked errors.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
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Review of hunter and vixen  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Milhaud - Long Tail Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I like the contrasting images, the two appear evenly matched in this composition, the choice of female prey being the cause for that perception. (the deadlier of the species?)I wonder why you choose lower case for the title, the common choice is 'title case' (obviously*Blush*) - the first letter of each word is a capital letter.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Excellent use of dialogue to 'set' the beginning, being a call center, the conversations would be an integral part of its identity.

*Flower5* The Setting: The physical background got some detailing, even if the exact atmosphere of emerging problems from calls and split-second decisions as to the appropriate learned response for that problem was not so explicit. In fact a part of the manager's cabin had a bit of background setting mentioned in passing, a surprising highlight of something quite inconsequential to the actual story - yet it formed the image prompt. I would have to say this did not constitute basing your story on the prompt.

*Flower5* The Characters: Dave and Amy, the Hunter, the Vixen. One a knowing predator, one imagines himself to be the hunter. The chat and the flirting games are well depicted.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: No flights of fancy here, just simple words used in an effective manner to convey the story's progression. Not all stories need lyrical phrases or metaphorical marvels to make an impact.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It is a story that impresses for its relation to real life and its lack of permanent resolution. The end is perfect in its imperfect resolution!

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above. I'd have to say it wasn't, not in my eyes. The story must use that image.*Frown*}
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified:13+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item: 1991*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: This was a taut tale, well written, if it had more relation to the prompt, it might have fared better.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"She wore dark-framed glasses with long, auburn hair pulled back and pinned." The sentence splits the phrases awkwardly, it might confuse as to whether she, or the glasses, were the ones to have long auburn hair?*Laugh*

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
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Review of Who Am I  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello COJay , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing celebration for ACE monthly reviews. "Invalid Item

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: I like the simplicity and the profundity of the title, its contradictory layers make it all the more appealing. It promises to be anything but a typical day, except for that one man. Good job on garnering attention with these two devices that are often just ignored or thrown away.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Short sentences, clear phrasing, immaculate meaning. It could serve as an example to many, how short can be sweet. You got my attention with your conjuring of those vivid images, whether of home, or of work.

*Flower5* The Setting: I could walk down to work with Tom, seeing what he saw, doing what he did. There was no divergence from the modus operandi of the beginning, the sentences continue to be short and crisp, the meaning crystal clear, the images sharp in the mind's eye. The two settings are a contrast, one is full of quiet love and togetherness, the other is all about segregation and incarceration, punishment and control. Both are presented without undue fanfare, like the simple clean lines of a courture gown that screams its origin.

*Flower5* The Characters: Tom, Carla, Gina. Each is distinct, yet none were lingered over, no fancy descriptions employed for any. It is a normal household, it is an abnormal household, the man who heads it makes it normal to be abnormal. He brings no work atmosphere home, he carries no emotions to work.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: As I have already said, simple is your signature, your style."I have been here long enough that I don't have to repeat myself. Who am I? I am hated, feared, watched. I am authority."

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I have to pull you up for one thing - you lied. In your bio-block you said you are a casual writer; I do not agree. Or else the rest of us are mere dabblers with words, our tales pathetic daubs in front of a Rembrandt of a tale. I enjoyed reading this very much.

*Flower5* What I liked: You got into the character of the narrator perfectly; if fiction, your research is meticulous, if based on your own life, you prove that one writes best about what one knows well.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"... and the televisions are the least of concern." Perhaps that should be 'of least concern'? Or even 'the least of concerns'?

Nary another hiccup in the entire write, thanks for a piece that has been polished till it shines!


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A Simply Positive reviewing sig.
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Review of Little Ships  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello JACE . Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I liked the title, it think it so important to use this device to its fullest. A site browser is often tempted into reading a story with an intriguing title. Your intro carries on the job, giving a glimpse of where the story is going without revealing much more of the tale. Good work.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning did a good job of taking us back in time, yet it could have been more technically perfect. I find short sentences and simple words work best when trying to keep a beginning polished and perfect. You have:
"The fog of old age could not stem the memories that rose in my mind(,) like the tides on a beach south of Dunkirk(.) almost seventy years ago." Would you not say a couple of commas were required in there? To make the meaning crystal clear? I would place a period at the second suggested point and make the second part something like: 'It had been seventy eventful years ago, yet nothing of latter date compared to the impact of that far-off encounter.' Your choice of words and description.


*Flower5* The Setting: It was well done, especially the bit where the child fears himself trapped in the cupboard and has to choose between the evils of discovery by unfriendly forces or being buried alive. I found the bits of French easy to understand, given the reference to context, but it might not be so for everybody.

*Flower5* The Characters: One often forgets from whose point of view the story is being told - but it helps to go back later and check out that it remains even. You have, at one point: ""Owen does," Clint said. "Our young friend is quite the linguist." I looked confused" How does the narrator know he looked confused? Why not instead have 'I wrinkled my brow in confusion'? Or ' I paused and crinkled my brows as I tried to make sense of the unfamiliar words'? More descriptive and it is then plausible why Clint goes on to say, 'Never mind."

The friendship under such eventful circumstances that blossoms and is cut off, it feels real.


*Flower5* The Descriptions: There are places with deft metaphor:-"It was still dark, and the flashes from the shelling turned the night to day for a few seconds like some macabre circus show." Yet it seems an anachronism, circus shows with that kind of lighting did not exist at that time, one has to watch out for this kind of glitch.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Little boats that make up a visual prompt, is it not surprising that more than one write took this to war reminiscences? Yet, each tale took a different direction. This one had a gripping tale of youth and bravery, of sacrifice and brotherhood.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above. It is based on the prompt*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified: 13+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item: 1962 *Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: This is more or less a fantasy, a side tale of an action that might have changed the course of the war. I thought the problem, conflict and resolution was logically presented, albeit a bit simplistic.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Some minor quibbles, not necessarily errors:
"My name is Henri Gagnier, and my family owned one of the best hotels in Dunkirk." Yes, this is one way of a narrator introducing himself. It is a kind of boring way. You already have the boys introducing themselves in a natural manner when they meet, this extra information - surname and the ownership of the hotel - can be slipped in when Henri reveals his plan to eavesdrop on the German command post. He reveals the ownership part there, anyway.

"Each day more troops come to the beach and wait. I wonder why the Germans do not attack them."

"Neither do we," Clint said. "But we're thankful they don't."
Neither do we, what? Henri wonders why the Germans do not attack - the response should be 'So do we'. Or else the comment should be: 'I do not understand why ...'

"we climbed a small staircase to a small room on the other side of the main dining room" Try to avoid word repeats, especially adjectives, in close conjunction. Here you have 'small' repeated in one sentence.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

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