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2,230 Public Reviews Given
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Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello ~WhoMe???~ . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

This is review 3 of 5

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* One is always able to laugh at somebody else's discomfiture and eager to learn of it too. I am ashamed to say I was tempted within your tale by your frank admission in the title. As someone who has fallen flat on her face innumerable times, both literally and figuratively speaking, I wanted to know I wasn't alone.

*Flower1* An extremely short piece about this one moment in your life. Since you were just being concerned and sympathetic, I think the shared laughter would have driven away any vestiges of embarrassment. Incidentally did you know term covers not only a plant, but also a song, a restaurant and a term for over-sympathetic liberals?

*Flower1* I found a couple of sentences that made me pause and ponder. I do not think they were 'wrong', per se, just awkwarly phrased.

"Having to remember all of the new scan codes to ring through the plants was a daunting task. Each week more and more plants were added to the list." "Ringing through all the purchases was often a daunting task, we had to remember many new scan codes as more plants were added to the list each week.

"The greenhouse at the market where I had worked since August had been open for a week or so" I had worked at the market since months; the greenhouse section had been open only since the last couple of weeks. (I'd suggest that slight change - making an indication of how long the two relative experiences were, to highlight the unfamiliarity, yet, with the plant codes.)

*Flower1* Another refreshing and honest look at yourself, this anecdote made me smile. With you, I assure you, with you. *Smile*

*Flower1* I went at had a look at this flower on-line, it is a really attractive one. If you can add in an image it would add a visual punch, the resemblance is uncanny.

*Flower1* BTW, speaking of this kind of confusion, I'll share one of mine with you. It was back when I a med student and learning to take a 'history' from patients:

Unfamiliar with the local language, impatient to get to the 'illness issues', not yet having acquired a bedside manner, I was brushing off one patient's attempts to tell me what was wrong with him by insisting I did not want to know why he was unable to 'get married'.

My co-students, all locals, were trying hard to muffle their laughter. One of the kinder ones put both my bewildered patient and me out of our combined miseries.

He was actually conveying a difficulty in the act of passing his water, a symptom of his enlarged prostate. I had confused the words for the two, they sound similar! Still blushing! *Laugh*


Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
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Review of So Far Gone  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello ~WhoMe???~ . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

This is review 2 of 5

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* I am most comfortable reviewing short stories, not because I do not like or read poetry, but because I think the latter tends to to make for a subjective impression. What is written in impeccable meter and rhyme need not take away your breath as much as four lines in free verse. Stories on the other hand, improve with the addition of each element, whether it is character, dialogue or setting. Whether it proceeds the conventional route of Problem-Conflict-Resolution or goes for the maverick reminiscent monolgue.

Dear me, I seem to have gone down the rambling road myself.*Bigsmile* What I meant to convey was that this may not be a classic way to write a story, yet it reads as one, having beginning-middle-end as well the conflict and attempt as problem resolution. If you intend this as a sort of snap-shot in words of you in your early writing phase, no suggestions are necessary, yet this can be strengthened, if you wish.

*Flower1* There's an abrupt jump from the philosophical and contemplative beginning to the unfolding tale in the middle. You could lead the reader there, with some amount of stetting. Like: 'It was one blustery day in early autumn, the falling leaves made me all too aware of the pitfalls of ill-health. I decided to take charge of myself with a new fitness regime.' I am not dictating words, just trying to show how the attention can be gently directed to the decision you mention.

*Flower1* I am clueless about commas, reviewer after reviewer tries to set me right on the issue, but short of letting one of 'em look over my shoulder as I type - there's no way I am ever going to produce an impeccable piece. I think the wriggly things have a life of their own and slip off into dark crannies when nobody is looking. That theory would also solve the mystery of other migratory hook-endowed things - like hangers and ear-rings! *Laugh* You have places in there, where a second look for those pesky punctuation marks might help.

"It never fails, no matter what the task I set for myself(,) my plans are always interrupted."

"Sure(,) I have tried to change the way I do some things, but as soon as I get started, something always gets into my way." My suggested commas would be at the brackets indicated. I speak here from a position not of authority, but of a helpful but befuddled writer. *Laugh*

*Flower1* A couple of sentences confused me, not that they were 'wrong' in any sense; it's just that the choice of adjectives or phrases were not making sense to me:

" I was too young to be taking such severe medicine and that was the latest noise from the doctors" 'to be on such an advanced course of medicine'? 'to be so severely restricted by medication'? I pondered that a bit. Although I chortled at the 'latest noise' from doctors (it does ofttimes sound like just so much 'blah-blah-blah'! *Laugh*), I wondered exactly what was meant to be conveyed.

*Flower1* There's some jumping around as far as tense is concerned, not too much of a problem if it sorts itself out into discernible parts: the beginning in present and the middle in past, the end in either. However, sometimes succeeding sentences have that jump.

"This is too young to be taking all of this medicine and feeling as I do. It was past time for me to take matters into my own hands"

*Flower1* An honest, courageous and no-holds-barred look at yourself. I am glad your health is better now, and all the best for that fitness routine.

*Flower1* Hey, I just noticed, I now know whome, or should that be whoyou! This has your name within. I am not 'blowing your cover', but it is a pleasure to have met you.


Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
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Review of Shadow Detective  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello ~WhoMe???~ . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

This is review 1 0f 5 from an auction package win.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* I just loved the title, is underlined all your choices of genre, without peeking I could have foretold that it was going to be a suspenseful detective tale with a hint of another shadowy world. To pack all that in two short words is exemplary. To read the story and then find the subtle inner meaning, oh, that was priceless. The only bit that took anything away from the enjoyment, that reduced the anticipation of fantasy, was the intro - because you mention the story is partially true.

*Flower1* The descriptions were little nuggets of perfection, creating the scenes before our eyes. Nothing that was a flight of lyrical fantasy, yet all apt and vivid. Take for example this line: "The tension in the room could snap a red oak as if it were a mere twig"

*Flower1* The only crib I had was that as the three nights played out, the feeling of 'get it over with' came upon me. I thought the suspense could not be stretched that far, one night - perhaps two, but three made it repetitive. If you notice, even the descriptions tend to repeat themselves.

You keep saying 'Once again', 'once again, she repeated' (is that a tautology?) and 'like the day before, or 'it was replaying itself again'(another tautology). I find tautology creeps into everyday conversations, for emphasis, as in ' I am never going back there, again'! In writing, it should be preferably avoided to avoid lessening of the impact. Contradictory, is it not?.

*Flower1* I sort of expected a different denouement, was even congratulating myself upon my perspicaciousness; you surprised me by taking this in a direction that surpassed anything promised. Good work.

*Flower1* I have to applaud your choice of short sentences. It has two advantages, one is it keeps 'em clean of grammatical or punctuation errors. But that is not a 'biggie', your eagle eyes and diligent edits would have caught all those. What it does do is move the action forward in little staccato jerks that heighten the suspense. The red ribbon pinned on this item endorses general consensus that this is a darned good read.


Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
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Review of Funeral  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Jaye P. Marshall , I hope you are enjoying this site as much as I do. I generally troll the site looking for things to read, I was searching for items of the Family genre and the emotional topic mentioned in this intro intrigued my roving imagination.

I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


*Flower5* The Title: I tend to place a lot of importance on this one element - maybe because it is the first device you can use to pull a reader into your work, it always seems a pity not to make full use of it.

There's nothing wrong with this title, it is terse and powerful, along with the intro it succeeds in creating the image of a potentially emotional tale. Funeral - young boy - remembers Dad. Apt, without being revealing.

All it lacks is the kind of attention-grabbing persona that only unusual combinations or incongruous associations make. For e.g.: "Funerals, Cattle Prods and Baseball". I am not suggesting a change, just giving an example of such a title. Your choice is sedate and works well for this simple tale.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Great opening lines. It establishes the place and sets it in our mind with a few deft words. We immediately know it is a white-framed church, that there are stained glass windows, that outside are white oaks whose branches are swaying in a light breeze. The main character is introduced, a young boy who is whose emotions seem strangely awry. This amazing job is completed in exactly three sentences.

*Flower5* The Setting: Even other than the opening setting, there are others that are equally vividly described in fine brush strokes, confident and sure.

Whether it is the Thanksgiving with an almost 'Oliver Twist' like moment of pathos, or the scene in the woods where sadism and sensitivity clash, each is brought to life.

The church setting however, looms clearest, as it should; the rest is just a mental journey into the past.

*Flower5* The Characters: Each one is described as much as required, Chuck gets the bulk of the description, but his father and other family members get their share.

Take these lines that have the protagonist look over at his siblings - to contrast their demeanour with his own: "His younger sister, Mary, honked loudly while little Annie, face contorted and tears streaming, leaned against their mother." One can see two little girls either overcome by the occasion or genuinely grieved. It is effective against the stoic reflections of the main character.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: A lot of it was the relationship between father and son, this has the pride of place as far as descriptions go. Other things are not neglected though, the preacher's drone interrupts his thoughts and directs his leaps into the past - "Chuck dredged through his memory, searching for the warm feeling conjured up by the preacher’s words" Each experience is a little vignette, building upon the one that went before. Until, in the end, an implacable picture of consistent derision, nay - abuse, is created.

*Flower5* The Dialogue: Wherever there was dialogue it was completely natural, nothing stilted or abnormally polite and saccharine sweet.

"“Hey, Mom, they here yet?”

“Shhhh, Chuck, she said in a hushed voice. "Your Dad’s still asleep." When Chuck wakes up, he's not wasting time with a polite 'Good morning, Mom.' He wants to know if his aunt and uncle, his cousins are there yet. He'll probably ask again soon, unless the idea of his Dad been woken up prevents exuberance. Kids do that, will Time to fast-forward to a pleasant expectation.

*Flower5* The Technical Aspects: Grammar and Punctuation: Let me clarify - I tend to misplace commas, quotes, semi-colons and other hook-like things, including clothes hangers and ear-rings! *Laugh* So any suggestions I make are pretty much guess-work, but those points did make me re-think!

You are one wise person. The sentences are short and crisp - that keeps them clear and lucid, it also avoids comma hassles. I must try that out in my own writing. On the rare occasions the sentences have many phrases, you manage not to get them tangles or spliced. Good job.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I like stories that are classic with the standard Plot-Conflict-Resolution; I love the maverick ones which have hanging endings and overlays of story.

I had just one question, the child makes a telling observation/query in this tale. As he reminisces about his experiences with his father and the sadistic use of the cattle-prod, he wonders of his mother - "Chuck sneaked a glance at his sobbing mother. How could she be so sad? Had she never felt the sting of the prod?" I too wondered - hadn't she? Such sadistic bullies generally keep anyone else cowed and subdued. The younger girls might escape until they started questioning his authority, but his wife was unlikely to have escaped, unless she was completely submissive. That part might have been enlarged, to complete my feeling of satiety. But I know I am being greedy, this was well-done, just as it is!

This has a resolution, only it is unexpected. There's no sudden rush of love, no discovery of overwhelming memory and sorrow. There's just a child managing to shrug off his burden of guilt and able to feel confident in God being all-knowing and therefore all-understanding.

*Flower5* What I liked: I am glad the child is not filled with only resentment, he struggles to relive happy memories. There are a few, sadly, only a few; the dark far outweighs them. It is well interspersed with the present, the text of the service providing a constant parallel thought process.

There's so much for everybody here, a lesson for stern parents. A masterful tale told in delicate overlay, with hints of abuse that should alert the more complacent ones, who say it never happens in good households. An affirmation of faith for unconventional believers, like me.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Nothing much to even qualify as 'quibble'. Only this one sentence stood out as the solitary instance where your meaning was not clear and vivid to me.

"He had shown his cousins all of his favorite spots, then they conned Dad and Uncle Bill into a game of touch football" If it is 'had shown', should it not be 'had conned'? Why 'conned' exactly? I did not get the allusion, but we don't play touch football much over here.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
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Review of Illusions  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon , I hope you are enjoying this site as much as I do. I generally troll the site looking for things to read and your piece caught my eye because Your intro perfectly set off what your title set out to achieve; it increased curiosity and yet gave away nothing of the ending. Your genre choices only heightened expectation with their delectable incongruity.

I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower5* The Title: I tend to place a lot of importance on this one element - maybe because it is the first device you can use to pull a reader into your work, it always seems a pity not to make full use of it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I loved your title - I had recently seen the movie 'The Illusionist' and associated this word with magic. I was not far wrong, I thought, as I read the first few lines. Then as I read through the tale I marveled at your powers of misdirection and deception, both useful for a conjurer. Bravo.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I loved your first line, it set the 'scene' perfectly, it later proved to have been a marvel of deception. I thought perhaps the phrase about the rubbish consisting of newspapers and plastic bags could well have been omitted, it actually heightens the impact of the first sentence that way. The rest of the first paragraph is a superb example of setting done just right.

*Flower5* The Setting: I have laready lauded it above, have I not? Let me just highlight one bit I appreciated:

"The street lamps bled small pools of illumination, highlighting the dirty streets in a regular pattern of muddled light." Other than that first sentence, this is a bit of vivid imagery.

*Flower5* The Characters: Merlin, huh? Superb bit of misdirection again. I read a mystery whose denouement made use of the same device, only the species was different, although pretty close in origin. That was the only reason I figured this out about two lines from the end. Surely he had to have been around for millenniums (Millenia? *Confused*)and deserved to belong to 'The Species that Survived"!

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Hoo, boy! What a tough call this was, you have to describe without giving information. Some lines have already been lauded, let me add a couple more:

"Merlin wasn't his real name. His species could speak, a chittering sound that few could understand, but it was secondary to their telepathic abilities" Anybody thinking 'weird creature with strangely shaped body and antennae sticking out of its head'? I was, yet I was not far wrong.

The descriptions were so good, I thought I was getting telpathic myself.

"Someone was waiting around the corner. He sent a thought out and was repelled by the jumble of images he encountered. Flashes of color in a series of square boxes, drawn crudely on the pavement, flooded his mind." Hopscotch was my thought, it proved correct.

*Flower5* The Dialogue: I like your use of internal dialogue to get around the prompt requirements, with only a word or two in actual speech.

*Flower5* The Technical Aspects: Grammar and Punctuation: Let me clarify - I tend to misplace commas, quotes, semi-colons and other hook-like things, including clothes hangers and ear-rings! *Laugh* So any suggestions I make are pretty much guess-work, but I'll only mention points that make me re-think!

Impeccable grammar, spelling, punctuation, proof-reading and other what-have-yous of writing. I wish I hadn't spotted that one tiny typo, but it proves you, unlike Merlin, are human! *Bigsmile*


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I like stories that are classic with the standard Plot-Conflict-Resolution; I love the maverick ones which have hanging endings and overlays of story.

This had all of the former and yet had the cracker-jack twist at the end with a superb punch in the ending line. Loved the image upon which it ends.

*Flower5* What I liked: I cannot actually wax eloquent on all that I enjoyed without adding in spoilers, so those who would like to read this enjoyable tale - go away, NOW!

It was inspired on your part to make these the 'talking animals'; so unexpected, so icky and so believable in a Sci-Fi way!

I had to go back and re-read it afterwards and chuckle over all the subtler bits that were better on the second read!

Add in the link to the previous tale, if you still have it, 'twould be great to compare and contrast. If your other entries are anything like as exemplary, no wonder you were the Season Winner. Congratulations on a well deserved win! *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* Suggestions:
Umm, this story was so engrossing , I wasn't actually looking for anything to pinpoint, how this caught my eye I'll never know. Or how it escaped yours, either!

"They'll probably erect a statue to me... even if its only on this mud ball." That should be it's - short for 'it is'.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello ShiShad , I hope you are enjoying this site as much as I do. I generally troll the site looking for things to read and your piece caught my eye because your folder of fiction has a great image to head it. The freshly sharpened pencil in the foreground suggested to me a mind ever-ready to let the Muse take it on a journey across those pages just glimpsed nearby.

I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*

*Flower5* The Title: I tend to place a lot of importance on this one element - maybe because it is the first device you can use to pull a reader into your work, seems a pity not to make full use of it.

This title was a bland statement, different? - yes, apt? - certainly, but not quite eye-catching or curiosity arousing. Maybe if it was posed as a question? Or even if it was just changed with the addition of a 'why' at the beginning? I think the story focused on the need to be 'special' as well as 'different', it would be great if the title echoed that.

*Flower5* The Beginning: This is one's first chance to impress the chance reader, to hook and pull them into the story. Your choices of genres create some degree of expectation, they include "Supernatural" and "Entertainment" - one needs a strong opening line. I once read an article on writing about cutting out words that said essentially the same thing, I thought parts of the two phrases in your first sentence were such an example. Would you agree?

"From the time he was a very young boy, Brian always felt that he was different" If he 'always' felt it, it was definitely 'from the time he was a young boy'. Later other little quibbles surfaced. Brian is not exactly old in this tale, is it flashback, or 'current'?

Yet the opening para makes his need to be 'special' an understandable one, the main difference his young mind perceives in himself is the fact that he is born on February 29th, more a deprivation than a privilege. So it works on one level, whilst another might need some strengthening.

*Flower5* The Setting: This is what I like to see clearly in any story, certainly strong settings make action clearer to visualise. The boy's bedroom and other parts of the house are glimpsed here. Just glimpsed, not 'seen' in the mind's eye.

The emotional setting is also a part of any story, this is more fleshed out and we discern the boy struggling with incredulity, fear and then pleasure.

*Flower5* The Characters: Brian is the strongest character here, but except for one single reference to his 'small body' (and that could be due to the bird's-eye view and not his size), we have few visual clues. His mother makes a two-line appearance, and his Dad has one sketchy reference. It is natural that we get nary a glimpse of either. Making him physically non-impressive, middle-of-the-road in looks, that might strengthen his need to be perceived as 'special'.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I do understand that the simple language is partly because the protagonist is a young boy. But the narrator is telling us what Brian did and felt. It would be great to 'show' in a more graphic manner, although you do avoid the pitfall of 'telling' the action at most times.

Was there any restriction in word count for the contest? You do mention it being a contest entry in your genre choices.

This is one place where writing can become 'memorable', from merely being 'good'. a deft metaphor, a catchy turn of phrase, this will lift it up to the airy heights of the sublime. I offer as example, one phrase used by my fave writer (P. G. Wodehouse - also known as 'Plum') - it has remained with me as firm favourite from amongst his multitude of wonderful descriptions. - 'Such presumption transcends the limit of the merely impudent, and passes into the boundless empyrean of pure cheek'

*Flower5* The Dialogue: Well done. Using internal dialogue is one way to have conversation in one-person action, immortalised in famous soliloquies like Hamlet's. Kudos for that neat touch.

The dialogue is simple but natural, especially Brian's whiny 'do I have to go today?'. Any mother who's been sending kids off to school has dealt with that one innumerable times (and generally developed her own special retorts that tell her kids her patience has been stretched thin enough! Mine knew better than to fool with me on days when my sarcastic come-back was 'No, of course not. The President has just declared that you are exempted from school for the next ten years!' *Laugh*)

*Flower5* The Technical Aspects: Grammar and Punctuation: Let me clarify - I tend to misplace commas, quotes, semi-colons and other hook-like things, including clothes hangers and ear-rings! *Laugh* So any suggestions I make are pretty much guess-work, but those points did make me re-think!

You do well to use a lot of short sentences. That cuts down on the possibility of incomprehension; that's always a problem with the longer ones! The spelling was impeccable too, knowing how hasty fingers can ruin good knowledge, I applaud your dedicated editing.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I like stories that are classic with the standard Plot-Conflict-Resolution; I love the maverick ones which have hanging endings and overlays of story.

I think this story had enough of the former set of requirements to satisfy, it wasn't out-of-the-box despite the supernatural element for two reasons -

The 'difference' seemed a 'cop-out' - using magic to resolve an issue. He did nothing to 'deserve' it, no real struggle besides having a 'real' B'day only every four years. And I am sure his mom would have all the 'usuals' on February 28th or March 1st. A sibling rivalry, where he is unfairly ignored - that might push his latent needs to the fore. Or maybe he has an unusual ability to be 'lucky' - when he's late so is the school bus, or when he forgets his homework, the teacher is absent - that might have built up to the end better.

It also did not suffice to serve as example to other kids who might long for such marks of difference too. None of them are likely to find this particular way out.

*Flower5* What I liked: Now this is the kind of dream that might evolve in any child's mind, to make it come true is good fantasy.

The story will appeal alike to both young and old, there's enough in it for both.

The interaction between mother and child was natural and 'real'.

I like it that the child takes his ability with nonchalance, as if he accepted the inevitable, the vision having also given him the wisdom to deal with the burdens of foreshadowing.

The ending lines echo both the title and the central premise of the story.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"He rose above his bedroom(,) to the loft where his parents were sprawled across the big queen(-)size bed(,) sound asleep" My mind put in those commas and hyphen at the places marked by those brackets, like I mentioned above in my 'disclaimer', not quite sure if it works - read it and see.

"Brian swallowed the lump in his throat and replied nonchalantly" As it stands, the two images clash. If you get rid of the adverb and show his effort in trying to appear nonchalant whilst he is delivering such an important pronouncement, that would work better.

"As he stumbled out of his bedroom and into the hallway, he could hear the news was on the T.V. blaring from the living room, but he couldn't make out what the newscaster was saying." I was once told that if you can use fewer words to say essentially the same thing, one should cut out the excess. It might not always work, it does help to consider it. I thought, perhaps - 'As Brian stumbled into the hallway, he could hear the living-room T.V. blaring; he couldn't make out what the newscaster was saying.' We know Brian was slipping into his clothes in the bedroom a sentence or two earlier, so cutting out the bit about stumbling out of the bedroom is OK. The next cut sort of combines the location and the TV to get rid of a few more words. The last assumes that if he cannot hear a newscaster - it is obvious the news is on.

I try to work on this particular skill by writing things my normal long-winded way and then pruning with ruthless intent. Or I enter 100 word contests! *Laugh*

"He felt weightless as he rose up off his bed for the first time" Do you mean the first time in this experience? No, for it happens only once. Perhaps it is for the 'first time in his life'? But is it necessary to state that? I just felt puzzled by the inclusion of this qualifier, highlighted by the italics.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1460051 Unavailable **
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Writer_Mike . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for the {ritem:1550799 }, please accept it in the same friendly spirit in which it is offered.

I do not set myself up to be an expert, just someone telling you how the read affected me.

*Flower5* The Title: – I really do not know why I keep on harping about titles. Well, one reason is because they are an easy way to garner eyeballs for what you have written, much like a headline will for a news story. But, to continue the metaphor a little further, it must also be apposite to the story.

I saw a lot of possibility in this title, there was room for double meaning, a promise of depth from the incongruity conjured up by the images of hot rocks in a land of ice. It gave us a hint of the setting, the country, a glimpse of the possible storyline, but left us enough to conjecture and make us eager to read on.

Your intro told us – this was a foiled robbery, so how were those rocks ‘hot’? If there was any attempt to fence those gems after they declared to be stolen, then the term would work – or is my knowledge of criminal slang terribly awry here?

Incidentally why did the intro give away the whole premise of the story? To successfully tease and entice the reader further, building upon the interest generated by the title it should just hint at the innards. Something like ‘Lionel uses his head to solve a crime’! Or 'Lionel uses his head, differently'?

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning did a valiant job for a single line. Lionel was obviously on a plane (the seat-back tray gave that one away), he was re-reading a communication that held his interest and thoughts. Good job.

*Flower5* The Setting: Now there was a special task in introducing this setting, at least its physical aspects, for this contest. You were to set it in a geographical region different from your own. Did I think you did the research? Certainly, but it could have been deeper.

You refer to ‘one of the city's best known shopping streets: Laugarvegur and set it in Keflavik’. Wikipedia tells me it should be: “Laugavegur is one of the oldest shopping streets of central Reykjavík, Iceland”. However I admit Wiki is not the be all and end all of knowledge. It does give details about the meaning and origin of Laugavegur that might have been nuggets that caught the interest if used in the story.

Did I think you caught the spirit of the place? – Well, for such an exotic locale, there were enough details woven in about the business and hospitals, the language, the currency, the attitude- I think you did a good job.


*Flower5* The Characters: The characters – umm – there I got caught in a bit of dilemma. Should I applaud the master-stroke of making Salvatore Macaroni different from the stereotypical Mafia capo, or should I bemoan the variation? I think I will stick with the former, I enjoyed the the superb double meanings in the letter addressed to ‘Mr. Hansen’ far too much to worry about typical expectations not being met.

The relationship between Lionel and Sal does not have the fear embedded too deeply either, there is a soupcon of familiarity and mischief in his last gesture – the return postcard. I would not have messed with such a man until after I had returned the money.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The descriptions were a tad disappointing in containing no vivid imagery. There were bits that could have been expanded to include this:
“They finished up just after four o'clock and, as the weather was agreeably sunny and it was only a bit more than a mile back to his hotel on Brautarholt, he decided to walk back along one of the city's best known shopping streets: Laugarvegur.” Now, that tells us a bit, where it could show us a lot.

Maybe something like: ‘The sun was pale and anaemic but was doing its valiant best to appear welcoming to Lionel. The way back to his hotel lay along one of the best known shopping streets, Laugavegur, or Pool Street, named after the famed hot pools that were common in the area. Fate whispered In his ears, he decided to walk back the short distance.’ I took a liberty there as I thought ‘sunny’ and a mental picture of Iceland did not go together, but if you know different you can make the sun blaze down like it does in the tropics.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The story seemed to come together a bit easily for the ‘happy’ ending. If Lionel was so likely to do well with his job, bonuses and all, why was Sal dunning him? The idea is to get the fish in past their fiscal capacity. Of course the reward made up almost two thirds of the amount required, did it not? So, perhaps you judged the timing to a nicety. You also leave things open-ended, no resolution about whether Lionel is going to gamble gain, or forever eschew that invitation to debt?

*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the patches of humour, the irrepressible irony, the sensation of the tongue having been firmly in the cheek when you wrote this. It was only a subtle motif, but it was enough to raise it above the mundane.

The Grammar and spelling were impeccable and showed attention to detail and meticulous editing. Thank-you.




Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Mara ♣ McBain Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]

*Flower5* The Title: Why 'Promises of Tomorrow'? Why not just Promise? The intro changes the word that is pluralized and makes it 'tomorrows'. It seems unnecessary, just 'Promise of Tomorrow' is enough. Very minor quibble, your title was eye-catching, it created a pleasing image, it was iintriguing.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Beginnings, first paras and first sentences must be polished and taut. They must create perfect images and not give rise to little nagging questions.
"Weariness marked every step as the leggy young woman made her way through the dark neighborhood, a bottle of laundry detergent in her hand and a backpack hanging from her thin shoulders. " Weariness would mark every step would it not? Not alternate ones, or occasional ones? The image of a leggy young woman is inconsistent with that of weariness, it suggests youth and vitality. Either change the description, or use it elsewhere. why was the laundry detergent carried in her hand and not in the backpack? Why was the neighbourhood dark? No streetlights? Or was that a metaphor?

"Weariness changed her usual impatient strides into dragging steps, despite her desire to be out of the gloom of the unlit back alley. Her thin shoulders hunched with the weight of her bulging backpack, one hand clutching the unwieldy bottle of laundry detergent that refused to fit into it."

*Flower5* The Setting: The financial setting, the reasons for her economic crisis are well set out, familiar to many of us. The reasons for her reluctance to accept Garrett's offer are not so well fleshed out. If they had been friends since the days of diapers, you'd think the families had accepted some sort of on-going permanence in their association.

*Flower5* The Characters: The characters could have been fleshed out a little. I found myself lacking a clear picture of either of the protagonists. The banter in the ending dialogue best detailed them, if only there had been some description to set it off.

*Flower5* The Descriptions:

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I'm not too sure this was the most romantic reason to accept a man, the loss of loved one's, home and livelihood. It makes you wonder why it was acceptable to cross that social divide only in such extreme circumstances. Other wise it was a tale that rang true with the confused emotions of friends who suddenly discover there is more to friendship.

The prompt seemed put in as an afterthought, it was certainly not central to the tale and could well have been written without it. It did however fulfill the letter of the law and include a reference to it in the story.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5* 13+
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*1975
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*


*Flower5* What I liked: I like happy endings to romances.

*Flower5* Suggestions:

"The nearby DaimlerChrysler plant had lain off hundreds
" Is it Daimler-Chrysler? Or Daimler/Chrysler? Or even Daimler Chrysler?

"Jude pulled herself from her reveries, " Reverie, just one, would be sufficient, it can include a variety of thoughts.

"he murmured with a telling waggle of his dark brows. He laughed as her telling blush darkened." The word 'telling' is repeated in close proximity. I'd use a synonym, like 'betraying' or 'revealing'.

"His leggy lady looked like a little girl, her knees pulled up to her chest and long locks plastered to skull and face" This is the second use of 'leggy' for describing your lead character. Why were the long locks plastered to her skull and face? Was it raining? What colour were the locks? It would be so easy to slip in some information about her looks here.

"A hundred different scenarios flashed through his mind as he found his way blocked by emergency vehicles at the end of Jade's block." Is she Jade? Or Jude?

"Sloughing a trembling hand over his handsome features, he shouldered his way to her side, his pale blue eyes meeting the paramedics in haunted question.
" Are you sure about the use of the word sloughing? I have heard of a snake sloughing its skin, as in discarding by peeling off - what is your meaning? Then the use of the word 'handsome' to describe his features jars with the atmosphere of troubled concern created here. "Worried' or 'troubled' would better describe them. Maybe his face could become 'craggy and haunted' unlike his usual winsome features?


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Shannon Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR] Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: Good title, I like the way its tied in to the song. Befitting of the prompt and the story.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I'm impressed by the action packed beginning with the story as a sort of flashback. Excellent portrayal of tense atmosphere at a CPR and advanced life support scene, perfect relay of the steps, whether in V-Fib, or in pulse less asystole. (BTW, It is V-fib or VF, not v-fib, but that is not a biggie. Or maybe it is v-fib on your side?)

*Flower5* The Setting: The two contrasting settings are also well done without much actual description. The route taken by the fugitives is definitely intriguing. I was not quite sure if they were going to another country - Canada? Or if they were making for some specific relatives/job?

*Flower5* The Characters: There were enough words, so I must assume you wanted to keep your protagonists as caricatures, drawn in with a few swift strokes, not fleshed out and coloured. That way the focus is all on the action. If it works for you, good. I personally would have loved to see some more descriptions of both.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The country side flashes by and just the states or towns are named, it all seems a blur. Could not some one feature of each impinge upon the mind of the young girl, breathless with excitement though she is?

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I wonder why they are in such a hurry to set up a life together. Obviously she is underage and marriage is going to be difficult to arrange. But where are they going and why? One needs to empathise with the lead characters for such romances to work, somehow that was a bit difficult here. Despite a loving family, to take such a drastic dead-end step seemed foolhardy. Sooner or later, I was saying to myself. It just happened sooner.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*


*Flower5* What I liked: The balance in the story, the beginning and end matched each other in mood, in fact there were four parts, neatly interspersed, all making up a well constructed whole.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just a few niggling doubts.

"Nuel had parked at the end of it--out of sight and earshot, and now we walked toward his car together in the darkness." I think the word 'together' is redundant and breaks up the flow of the sentence. If I was reading it allowed, I have stumbled over the point at which to naturally pause in that sentence. Especially in stories with word counts, I recommend cutting out words not required, which do not add meaning to the sentence. Save those precious counts for some additional character description, setting or dialogue.

"Everything I was taking with me fit into one small carry-on suitcase I'd hidden under my bed." Again, the phrase at the end seems tacked on, it confuses. Obviously everything you were taking fit into the carry-on suitcase, that's why you had packed it! If you reached for the small carry-on that was hidden under your bed, if it bulged with all that you could salvage from the collected curios and treasures of seventeen years of life - that would make more sense.

"A 27-year-old woman with a 32-year-old man is a lot different than a 17-year-old girl with a 22-year-old man" Are the words 'than' and 'from' interchangeable in such comparisons? I thought that 'from' would have fit the usage better. But, people do say it this way pretty often, and in dialogue, the rules of grammar can be relaxed a little!

"The water was exquisite; shaving my legs divine." I believe both parts of a sentence divided by a semi-colon have to be ale to stand by themselves as complete sentences? No?

"Together we watched the code team work on my body, their efforts waning with each passing minute." I think it should be 'their efforts seeming more futile' rather than 'efforts waning', with all respect to the diligent Emergency Medical Care teams. They struggle beyond the logical end, and hate to 'call' it. I should know, I have been a part of them for years.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of A New Start  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello CuriousBones Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: The bit about it being an entry for the Short Shots Contest does not belong in the title. It can be part of the intro, or even better, a link at the bottom of the tale. Then again, the part that is the title itself - 'A New Start' - it is not sublime or lyrical, but is an apt enough title.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Beginnings must be flawless. there's no two ways about that. Any errors in the first para, especially the first line will put off the potential reader.

"The door to the diner swung open hard, bouncing of the wall behind Mick and Sonia(')s table" 'bouncing off', and apostrophe needed to indicate the table was occupied by Mick and Sonia.

"They halted at the front door, quickly turning the sign to say closed and pulling the blinds" 'quickly turning the sign to Closed' or else enclose that word in quotes, or make it all caps. Something to indicate that that is what the sign said.

I'd tauten that bit of description to indicate the tension, the sense of terror. Maybe a waved gun menaced the diners enough to choke the screams building in their throats? Otherwise the heist would not be conducted with so little attention, would it?

*Flower5* The Setting: The diner could have been described a little - how it made the crime an easy one, or how it impeded it. There is plenty of opportunity as you describe the robbers moving in and around it. It would heighten the atmosphere.

*Flower5* The Characters: One gets a little feel of the characters of Mick and Sonia from their actions, but some more description would help. That enigmatic smile could extend to a description of the eyes and mouth.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I do not wish to repeat myself, there were enough words to build up all the required elements, just a tad more.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The prompt was the bit at the end only, it seemed tacked on to make the story fit. It cold just as easily been something else, it was not central to the story or an imaginative use, in my opinion. It was within the requirements though.

Some bits of the story seemed not credible, the robbers wore masks, but the protagonists were not so enabled. How come nobody could describe them, in spite of being observant enough to notice the eyes and the smile? Could not the car have been described? Not one soul could tell what happened? Strange. If it had been a Robin Hood kind of story, with the crook's previous booty being taken away, all present spoils left behind, and the crooks neatly trussed for the police, it might be more plausible. The diners might have conspired to thank their deliverers thus.

There were plenty of spare words to take this story in that direction, if so desired.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5*13+
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*1356
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*


*Flower5* What I liked: It is amazing that most of the entries were inspired to write crime based stories. I liked the fact that this was a ‘secondary' crime; not primarily intended to be one from the start. Inevitable given the propensities of the protagonists, but that is your own interpretation.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just a few:
"The tall guy wearing the black balaclava started making his way round the diners, black bag in tow() he pointed the gun at them, ordering them in a muffled voice to drop all wallets, cell phones and keys in to the bag. " 'into the bag', it is one word.

There were places where I felt the sentence might benefit from an added comma. I must add in a special disclaimer here - I know nothing about comma, considering them pesky wriggling tadpole like squiggles that are supposed to separate phrases, but more often than not, just confuse the reader! At least in my hands. *Laugh* But would you say a comma was required at the paired brackets

"The second man was making a waitress empty the cash register, his patience seemed to be thinning as the young girl fumbled for the notes and kept dropping them" 'patience would wear thin, rather than itself thin. Perhaps it could dissipate or evaporate, crumble or ... you find the synonym!

"This was a fresh start and he wasn’t about to let these muppets ruin it for them." I did not quite get the reference here - are muppets a derogatory term for hold-up guys? Or is there some other connotation?

"They had tried being straight for 48 hours and it had turned into a disaster, he missed his old life already." 48 hours, it was already a disaster? How?

"No-one could say they hadn’t tried, and she knew men like this guy" Why is ' No one' hyphenated? I think they hadn’t tried, I'm sorry, but there was just no empathy for cold-blooded killers who try to be 'straight' for 48 hours. How were they any better than the one's they thwarted? They committed the same crime, with more violence, for the mere 'crime' of a lascivious leer!

"Sonia nodded her head to Mick, he moved so fast, before anyone could even gasp() his fist had smashed in to the robbers face." Is there a comma needed there? Try reading it aloud and see if a natural pause occurs there.

"The shots echoed loudly in the silence and everyone stared in shock as the small hole in each robbers forehead started to bleed" After death, wounds do not bleed, a small trickle of blood is all that might appear. Ditto for the 'pool of blood' from the third robber.

"Her hand slipped into Micks " Missing apostrophe, this recurs at many places. It is present even in the ending sentence. Like beginnings, endings must also be flawless.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of The Memorable Day  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I felt the title was apt but it did not work hard enough. considering the subject, it is obvious the memories are going to be lasting, it is not enough to just state that the day was memorable. I appreciate the ending and the irony though.

*Flower5* The Beginning: This was an effective beginning, strong on setting, both physical and emotional, introducing the protagonist from the outset. Yet I found room for one niggling 'Huh?' moment, the kind that stops you in your tracks and makes you go back and re-read the words. I'll deal with it in my 'Suggestions' below.

*Flower5* The Setting: The initial setting was excellent, but a few more words could have been expended building up the characters, the interaction between mother and daughter. There was plenty left to play around with, you barely used half of the word limit.

*Flower5* The Characters: I did not get a feel of the age of the characters, were they college kids, high school kids? Billy can drive so he must be - 16? 18? Of course social mores are different from place to place, but I felt the lake with its narrow approach road was asking for disaster. Why did they not make it safer, or declare it out of bounds for vehicles?

*Flower5* The Descriptions: some of the descriptions are both unusual and striking. I choose to highlight this one, but many could have qualified for a similar accolade.
"She inhaled the sunshine and exhaled the night."

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It is amazing that the image prompt threw up such a variety of tales and yet the impression of speeding along in a black car has taken many to accidents, violence or crime. Still well within the faithfulness to the prompt, however.

I am afraid the end was a little beyond me, I could not figure out if it was fore-shadowing or illusion, nightmare or reality. I could see its potential to be a winning stroke and yet felt unsure enough of the rules that would make it so. It has more to do with my inability than yours, but I wonder if there are more clueless readers like me out there?

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5*13+
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*989
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*


*Flower5* What I liked: It had to be the use of unusual metaphor for description; you never got the metaphors mixed either, just expanded in the right direction. For e.g.: "not a single word took root, let alone blossomed into understanding in her mind."

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just a few places where I had to stop and think.

In your beginning para: "Betty Jean sat up " is followed closely by "She languidly stretched under her covers". If she had already sat up, how is she able to stretch under the covers? Just a niggling thing, but it made me go back and disrupted my smooth reading.

"Day's like this should last forever." The apostrophe is not required.

"What's on the agenda for today?" asked her Mom. There are 'n' number of ways to avoid the 'said' and 'ask' words. These add nothing to the tale. It is also an opportunity to add depth to the relationship between mother and daughter. Who is the dominant one, was it a hesitant query? Was it a suspicious one? Was it intrusive? Did Betty Jean disregard it with just a mumbled answer? Did she toss her head in a rebellious manner but give a meek and complete reply? You do well later to have Betty Jean 'bubble' as she answers and have her mother 'warn' instead of 'say' her words of caution.

"It was an old car that he had bought and totally rebuilt" I think the word 'totally' is ambiguous and careless. Obviously it cannot be totally rebuilt. Some parts must have been retained. Otherwise what was the whole point? Maybe 'rebuilt with loving care'? Or ' in passionate detail'
?
"His handsome faced creased with a smile() making her sigh.
" Would you say a comma was needed here? I also feel either 'creased into a smile' or ' was creased with a smile' would be more appropriate. But, that's just me.

"The police knew they'd be seen trying to reach it and the kids took full advantage of that fact." What advantage did they take? Were they able to stop amorous activities and appear engaged in some bird-watching? What stopped the officers from approaching on foot? I doubt they posted lookouts, being otherwise occupied.




Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Happiness  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Smee Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: The title is apt, but that's not quite enough. It is apt in the same way the title of an essay is fitting for its subject. It is not striking or unusual, it does not arouse curiosity about what might lie within, it has no subtle undercurrent of meaning that becomes ironically apparent after the read. I would commend Jeffrey Archer or Frederick Forsyth for examples of such titles. Especially for their short stories, both as collection and individual tales.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The style is light and chatty, despite the grim undertones of the story. I have not been able to decide if the contrast heightens the mood effectively or dilutes its emotional impact. Maybe if the story was longer I would have been able to do so.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting is one of the things that is well done, and it sticks to the image prompt with faith and detail. There is a subtle undercurrent of humour that I appreciate.

*Flower5* The Characters: We get a glimpse of the male protagonist, not so much as a look at the narrator. I suppose 'my new man' implies newly wedded husband? Ah, yes, there's mention of a wedding present a few lines later.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Some parts are good, the mood is well set. It is too short to get more than just an impression of promise.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: This is a short one, just over 500 words. It seems as though it is hastily written and entered; with such a large number of words left with which to deepen interest and expand the tale, you choose to keep it short. Not that short stories cannot be effective, far otherwise, but this failed to provide the classic elements of Problem-Conflict-Resolution.

There are some bits that puzzle, after all the details about the drive and his eyes and how they would light up, the feel of his leather jacket - there is an inexplicable amnesia for other details - seemingly related ones.

" Where were we going? Whose car was it? What was I wearing? What colour was his hair? What was the weather like? " /c}

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5*13+
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*595
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*


*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the contrast in the story. It is a pity that so many should have immediately thought ACCIDENT when shown that image prompt. It should be possible to let the wind whip through one's hair on a drive without driving to one's end.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"He's barely taken it off since opening it." He would have had to put it on before taking it off. So opening the present is a non-sequitur. Then 'barely' taken it off doesn't make much sense. maybe something like” He’s had it on for thirty-six of the forty-eight hours we've been married' or 'he's taken it off only to sleep, and even that was under protest'.

"the wind rushing past the open window as my left ear rests on his chest. He is always calm when driving," Whatever happened to seat belts and safe driving? Whenever this kind of thing is shown in a movie I grit my teeth and screw up my eyes, waiting for the inevitable.

"The doctors say it was a miracle I wasn't hurt. Not even a scratch. But they don't realise what's been torn away." I would say that was one set of insensitive doctors then, not to understand personal loss and grief.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Butch  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello silverfeathers Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: Now this was a title that stood out as unusual, terse - it gave little away; I was intrigued by it even as an image of an aggressive male rose into my mind. After the read, I chuckled over how it related to the story. Good job - *Thumbsup*!

*Flower5* The Beginning: Ah, the first sentence was echoed in the intro, rightly so, it was the central theme of the story! The beginning introduced all three characters, set the tone of family and subtle humour and breezy chatty style, setting the scene perfectly. Another tick mark, in my book!

*Flower5* The Setting: The emotional setting in this one was perfectly done, the young boy's natural suspicion, protectiveness and jealousy. Butch, the mother, both were easy to visualise, physical clues were slipped in deftly. The narrator remains in the shadow, as so often happens, but since his emotions come through so strongly, it was not much of a loss.

*Flower5* The Characters: I rather fell for Butch - err - Kyle. He deserves to get a prize for perseverance, but love is a good incentive. Little Joey was endearing, so believable in his attitude and reactions. The oblivious mother, always willing to put the best spin on her child's behaviour was a perfect foil to the interaction of the two warring males, although the devious machinations were completely one-sided.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I loved the way the image prompt slid into this seamlessly, all the details, including attire and pose, windows down, the wind whipping through the car, all fit in.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Excellent use of dialogue to set up atmosphere, by the way. Dialogue is not an easy thing to insert and have it seem natural. Often it looks stiff or contrived, here it was so much a part of the story I noticed the deft usage only later.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5*ASR
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*1995
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*


*Flower5* What I liked: Oh, this one was hilarious, loved the humour that was the leit motif in the story. This had to be the maverick, the one that had the odd kick in its gallop. I was impressed by the direction taken by this story, so different from the action packed crime or accident tales that I had come across. Kudos.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
I could find nothing that jumped out at me. There was an overuse of 'he said' and 'I said' dialogue tags. I'd suggest replacing them with any of the innumerable options available - like 'I growled' or 'he stammered'. Since it was a nine year old relating the tale, I felt it was not a 'biggie'.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Escape  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Hyperiongate Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: Mmm ... the title is short, interesting and apt, although one has to wait until after the read to appreciate it. It wasn't out and out unusual or attention grabbing, yet the subtlety of meaning adds to its impact.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning did a lot that is asked of this element of a story. It set the scene, it introduced the lead character, it gave us an idea of the tone and theme of the story. It was also impeccable in grammatical construction and spelling, something that's half the battle won for a beginning.

*Flower5* The Setting: The descriptions made the physical and emotional settings stand out in 3-D, a difficult job well done.

*Flower5* The Characters: Leon, ah, everything about him is nondescript, except his name and his dreams, or should I say destiny? Excellent twist in the tale, BTW!

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Some of the lines used words in a distinctively unusual and strikingly vivid way:
"He pulled his collar up around his neck and turtled his way deeper into the suit." & "Overcrowded commuter buses and a one-pillow bedroom served as bookends to his daily routine of a dull job and non-existent social life" *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I like people who get of the beaten track with prompts, yet fit the prompt built up, line by line, seamlessly within the tale. I would give you points also for originality of tale and for character description.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5*13+
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*1973
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*


*Flower5* What I liked: This had a satiric look at the extraordinary dreams of ordinary men, something on the lines of Walter Mitt with a shade more fantasy thrown in.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
Well formatted, with clean one line interspaces, impeccable punctuation, grammar and spelling. Any tiny typos take nothing away from the story, I did not bother hunting for them.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Matty Zink Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: The title would be fitting for an essay on that subject, the only thing it has in its favour is the appeal of its incongruity. Other than that, and perhaps a modicum of aptness, it falls short on ingenuity or appeal.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I wondered if an engine rumble would be that disturbing to a driver ahead? The cop car must have needed an oil change and probably new pistons! OK, I'm no mechanic, but doubts that are raised in the reading of the first line are a good thing. considering the sirens later mentioned, the guy had remarkably acute hearing to note the engine rumble too. Beginnings must not only set the scene, introduce the characters or the theme, or the theme, all of which this did - but they must be flawless too.

*Flower5* The Setting: The physical setting gets an adequate handling, the interaction and emotional ones are dealt with too. I wonder why I am left with the sensation that more could have been done? There were some words left to play with, perhaps the material could have some depth added?

*Flower5* The Characters: The hitchhiker is described in detail, Cheryl gets enough of a look-in too, it is just the narrator who remains in the shadow. I fail to understand how Cheryl would insist on picking up serious competition, in the already tension charged situation. Credibility of character is a must. Of course if there were implications of swinging both ways, or maybe she was just kind-hearted? *Confused*

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The descriptions were slightly tough guy, mimicking the narrator's mindset. But nothing characteristic enough to make us get a good look at him. The words were adequate without being the kind that makes one stand back and appreciate the imagery.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Well, this was slightly off the beaten track, but its direction and ending were all to predictable. All except the last line. It was inexplicable for two reasons; one -why would such thoughts occur to him after the loss - double cross could have jumped in much earlier. Two - as far as I know, the desert is NOT full of holes, although it might be easier to dig one there, rather than in a rocky outcrop!!

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*


*Flower5* What I liked: The end might have been inevitable, it doesn't mean the journey was not pleasant.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
The indents meandered all over the place, one set for first lines of paras, one for dialogue and one for unspoken thoughts. When these occur in quick succession the visual impression of a sinuous track.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Stopgap  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello NickiD89 Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: The title takes on a deeper meaning after the read. It is not exactly apt, a stop gap to my eyes is a short term arrangement, to tide things over for the present. It is not a 'fallback' or 'failsafe' plan. Perhaps I'm wrong, but in any case, since it is the character that uses the term in an innovative manner, it is still tenable. The title was short, attention grabbing and curiosity arousing, so it works on all those counts.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I thought the beginning para tried to do too much. I mean it talked of Van's past life, his present life, the resemblance between his father and himself. It described his residence, although that was nowhere near as aristocratic as his name. It introduces both the lead characters - whew - a tough ask by any standards! I'd divide up that lot into two or even three paras, and pad the detail a little, but that's Me.

*Flower5* The Setting: There were many things to be set up here, the physical environments of the car, the gas station, the convenience store. The emotional relationship between the lead characters, between the male protagonist and his father. I felt the latter was detailed in depth, perhaps to the extent of overshadowing the central incident. The rest seemed shadowy and indistinct in comparison.

*Flower5* The Characters: The characters did not come alive for me. It was the incidental ones, the obnoxious man and the whining vulnerable alter ego of Van that stood out in 3-D. I do not know if that was intentional?

*Flower5* The Descriptions: There was unusual metaphor, vivid imagery, but there were points also where I had to stop and think.

"anger rose swiftly and absolutely like geyser steam." Is a geyser all steam? I thought the spray included hot water too? Then too its characteristic to me seemed unpredictability and danger, more than swiftness or absoluteness. Yet, these are minor quibbles, the impression you needed to convey is clear.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The image prompt inspired many tales of heists and getaways. Funny how great minds think alike? *Bigsmile* The set-up and double cross seemed inevitable, Van anticipates or worries about it, yet he has no 'stopgap'? I think he deserved what he got!

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5*18+
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*A perfect 2000
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*


*Flower5* What I liked: I actually found myself appreciating the story within the story. This was an unusual tale.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"He looked over at her(,) riding shotgun" & "She beamed back, and he thought what a gorgeous portrait she made(,) framed by the lake rushing in a blur behind her." There were places where I felt a punctuation mark would not be out of place. Would you say a comma was needed at the places marked by the paired brackets?

"They pulled off the bank job yesterday unarmed" Just a comma would not be enough to make this lucid, the reader is not as informed as you, confusion of meaning is possible. I'd rephrase to something like 'They had pulled off the bank job yesterday, completely unarmed.'

"He dug the classic look of analog readings." The use of the slang term defines the character, but it is slang, acceptable more in dialogue.

" Van checked over his shoulder and scowled as if he smelled something rancid" Does one scowl at the smell of something rancid or does one wrinkle one's nose? There I go, quibbling again! *Laugh*

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Contest Entry  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Kate Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: The idea of giving a story a title is to sum up the content in one swift sublime capsule. It can attract attention by being unusual, striking in choice of words, alliteration, similarity to a quote, spoof, whatever. Just calling it a 'Contest Entry' is a great disservice. Even essays in school were not titled ' English Essay' were they, a statement of redundancy?

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning is laden with description that I could complete like an assignment to fill-in-the -blanks for metaphors like : As white as snow or As thin as a rake. Please - 'moths to a flame', 'confidence exuding through every pore' - try for a little spin on the old saw. Maybe 'like moths to a light bulb'!

*Flower5* The Setting: If there was a signature to this story, it was predictability. It hovered near the inevitable with super-attractive protagonists who are instantly attracted to each other and share a liking for thrills.

*Flower5* The Characters: I am afraid I felt no empathy to either character, not even the bad boy who treats his girl friend with 'respect' (puh-lease!) and adoration. I was going Why? Why? Why?

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Why would you use lines that not only give away the rest of the story - it also completely contradicts itself without adding anything to the tale. "
"The day of the accident dawned sunny and bright, but as the day wore on it became slightly overcast"

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: First time I have heard that the lack of seat belts saved lives. But this was an old model car, right? Then they would have been flung through the windshield? The older kind that shattered into sword-like shards and sliced? One or the other could have gone out through an open window, but not without a broken limb or two, the centrifugal force could not have allowed them both out through opposite windows. I found this to be a major quibble. Also, bovines do not dart the way deer or dogs do, its presence in the road should have been obvious, if the inattention was only momentary. Lastly, I wish the image of fast cars did not inevitably lead to stories of reckless speed. Just because you can is no reason why you should!

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5*E
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*1075
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*


*Flower5* What I liked: Thank God for not-so-disastrous endings. Thanks for not letting anybody get hurt. Reminds me of those disclaimers in movies which always put my heart to rest: " No animals were injured or harmed in the filming of this scene'"! *Laugh*

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"She was chatting to a friend with a drink in her hand" This statement is a little ambiguous, who was it who had the drink in hand? 'She', or 'her friend'? Try to rephrase to make it clearer - 'Stacey had been staring into the amber liquid in her glass as her friend chattered away in inconsequent detail'

"randomly greeting people he knew on his way to the bar area" If he's greeting people he knew, it cannot be at random. Or if it really was at random, that was downright rude.

"it was unlike anything she’d ever taken a ride in" Ending the sentence with a preposition is a basic no-no. Try to rephrase - 'it was unlike anything she’d ever ridden in before.'

"It seemed they were well suited to each other – fun-loving, in-your-face, rebels" The two images - 'fun-loving' and 'in-your-face' are not exactly a matched pair.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of My Sanity  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Xavier Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I wonder why this particular title? Was the protagonist’s sanity dependant in any way upon the decision depicted in this tale? Was there anything striking about these words, anything subtler in meaning? I am sorry I could not visualize any of these things.

*Flower5* The Beginning: "The road ahead curved left and right then left again, but his old streetcar eased around them" In my mind, the term 'streetcar' meant the kind of vehicle that was like an electric tram. Maybe if you made those two separate words, it would be more lucid. You start off talking about the road, so technically his car should ease around 'it'.
Then:
"The shocks absorbed the rocky road and the wheels almost turned themselves" I later realised that this was a short form for 'shock absorbers', but it almost reversed the meaning, used this way.

"the wheels almost turned themselves, leaving Adam relaxed behind the wheel casually laying his arm on top. In a blur" Lastly, going around curves, (unless very gentle, and these sound tight - talked of in rapid succession) is not an exercise to be attempted with a casual approach.

With all these, and more, questions raising their heads - the beginning needs a bit of work.


*Flower5* The Setting: There was not much setting other than that suggested by the image prompt. The emotional setting was confusing, the father seems so unenthusiastic about the child that I wondered if he was a 'step', or perhaps there was some deeper story in there?

*Flower5* The Characters: Why were the people so impoverished if Mike was in the Marines? Does the Armed Forces Pay not stretch to a decent life for three people? She has already bought all the items in the house while he was overseas, one by one - so did they start out with nothing? I was more than a little puzzled - they were husband and wife - right?

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I have already spoken about the kind of pedestrian phrases that are used, not that they are wrong, just over-used. It is typified by sentences like:
"I had little Bobby give it a nice cleaning" Nice? Nice is so generic a term it could cover a contemptuous dismissal of someone's laboured attempt or be the approbation of someone not gifted with a varied vocabulary.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The story seemed built upon fairly shaky premises, there was word limit enough to develop the theme. How they had come to reduced to near penury, some lingering illness of a parent, some bad luck in investments, cheating by a partner - something other than this facile acceptance of what need not be, The emotions were spouted without demonstration, the father talks of wanting to be a hero to his son, but rather than appreciate the child's effort and love in clearing up the car he queries his wife if she actually lets him near it!
*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified.*Check5*E
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item.*Check5*819
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*


*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the ending-in-the-air. It stops before coming to the inevitable 'they-lived-happily-ever-after'!


*Flower5* Suggestions:
The formatting is a bit uneven, one line interspaces existing between some paras, but disappearing at points with dialogue.

"but his smile never broke" I think the term you want here is 'his face never broke into a smile', clichéd as it is. A smile not braking would mean one that was plastered firmly in place.

There were plenty of misplaced apostrophes:
"that your you're here to take care of Bobby and the house" & "but its it's hard to stop and slow down"




Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of The Ride Home  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Taizia _welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

*Flower5* The Title: I see you are a newbie on WDC, but if your writing tells me anything, it says you are not new to writing. I once thought titles were just a way to head a bit of writing, they just tell what lies inside. Like the essay that was inevitable on returning to school after the summer break - "What I did in the Summer holidays". Take a moment to think, if you had twenty-three entitled such, and one that said "The Sun, The Surf and The Sand", which would you be tempted to read first. (or maybe you'd save the best for the last?) But, which would tempt you more, bland sameness, or enticing difference? The readers look at titles to give them a hint of what they can expect within, it is the chance to impress, to invite. It must be deft, unusual, subtle and yet attractive. A difficult ask for anyone, but you can use the intro to heighten the impact. For example, your title, it could become something like: "Back Home on Weekends" or "Train of Thought". It suggests a reason for the journey without giving away that some chance-met person will be the focus of the story, and after the read it underlines the difference in attitude about these visits at the beginning and end of the story. You might think of something else that would be ten times better - go for it!

*Flower5* The Beginning: Poor you, no sooner have I gotten off one hobby horse than I clamber up on another! (I have a couple more tucked away, but don't worry, I never gallop, just a little gentle rocking! *Bigsmile* ) Beginnings are to stories what that first impression is for blind dates. I think people go to great lengths to think of what to wear, how to walk and talk, to create that perfect first impression; so too, must one worry about those first few lines.
"Stacie boarded the train with little enthusiasm. She was off to see her parents for the holiday weekend." I had little enthusiasm too, I almost backed out right then. Make that scene powerful, show us her reluctance.

'The train sounded its warning klaxon, two minutes to departure. Stacy shrugged on her back-pack and let her reluctant feet shuffle to the door of the carriage. Why do I wait on the platform when I know I have to make the journey? I cannot choose not to go, so why not agonise in the comfort of my seat? Stacy never enjoyed these weekend visits back home, but her parents looked forward to them so much, living vicariously through their bright daughter's university education, she could not deny the hardworking couple that pleasure.'

BTW, I took the liberty of changing the reason for her going home, from a financial one, to a more loving one. It is not good for the central character to court readers not liking her, so early in the story. Later on, if she shouts that motive in an argument, it might be forgiven. At first sight, cold-blooded calculation of who pays the bills, it is not endearing at all.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting, the train, the home, the dates. Do you think there was a strong visual picture offered for any of these? All I knew of the train was that it was crowded and the air was stale. In fact the stale air was a pretty strong visual and olfactory description, it overshadowed all else. So, you can do it, that fact is proved, now move in and give us some idea of the settings. You have already decided not to be restricted by the word count, but even if you were, a good second look would help you tighten the work to give you the required leeway to add this.

*Flower5* The Characters: There aren't too many in there, at 2000 words, you can afford to let us see more than just the romantic lead. Perhaps a glimpse at the sets of parents, some differences to be highlighted, or similarities to be explored? Every sentence of action also describes the character, if he were to hesitate before offering a handshake, it might indicate a shy or timid nature, even reticence. If she were to wipe her hand before proffering it in return, it might be fastidiousness or a nervous tendency to sweat on the palms. So, be careful what you make them do, it might suggest something to the reader that you did not intend. For example:
"Stacie thought about it for a moment and grabbed the lapel of his jacket and penned in her cell phone number on the inside. Jeremy was taken aback slightly but he only thought of it as gumption."
I found that a pretty bold and provocative thing to do, a tad verging on intrusive and thoughtless. It is hard to believe neither carried a scrap of paper on them, old bills, receipts, etc.; but since they were getting down, the ticket was an obvious choice of material upon which to write. Or do they have to submit it at the exit? Jeremy was both taken aback, although that is qualified with a puzzling 'slightly', and thinks of the action as having 'gumption', something admirable. I thought he was soft in the head.*Rolleyes* For a girl who nods because she does not want the squeak of her voice to show her excitement, she is brazen the next minute. I found myself empathising with her less and less.

There was plenty of physical description of both Jeremy and Stacie.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: This is a large part of any story that is not dialogue-heavy. It comprises both setting and character description, and gives you scope to show your ability to hold the reader spell-bound by your imagery. Deft metaphor, apt simile, perfect puns, attractive alliteration, any or a combination of these. Don't go overboard with them, but limited use can arouse admiration.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I thought the story was not quite boy-meets-girl. It had a location that was unusual, the romance was casual and underplayed, the ending was without perfect resolution, just a hint of what might happen.

*Flower5* What I liked: No fairy tale happily-ever-after was attempted, I admire the restraint. No villain, no triangle, simple and light handling. No rushing of fences towards that commitment.

*Flower5* Suggestions: I found a few places worthy of comment:
*Cut* "She was off to see her parents for the holiday weekend. A ritual she would rather soon leave behind but since they paid her bills while she attended college she felt obliged to make her courtesy visits."
*Paste* This was the sentence that prejudiced me against one of the lead characters. That is a feeling better avoided so early in the story. She might find the weekend travel cut down on time available to spend with friends, she might not like trains, she might have projects better completed at University, she might find that there was no one of her age left to talk to at home, or that her parent's concerns were suffocating since they still thought of her as a child. All of those are 'forgivable' attitudes, but to regard parents as loan agencies who collect visits as re-payment is off-putting. Give a thought to this, unless you feel I may be alone in thinking little of someone who visits parents only because finances oblige them to.


*Cut* "oh God, I hope he calls, she thought praying she didn't blow her chances then followed him off the train.
" I would say there were some commas missing in there. At least after the 'she thought', and again, after 'chance'. One useful trick is to read the work aloud and see if you would pause at any point to make the meaning clearer, it would probably qualify for a comma. Not a perfect rule, but sufficient to help, on the second sweep for errors.
*Paste*

*Cut* "Her walk, reminiscent of her mood, was slow and resistant."
*Paste* Her walked 'mirrored' or 'reflected' her mood, did it not? Is reminiscent the correct word to use? I'd say the resemblance to mood would be obvious in the description of gait, since the former has already been outlined. It is your choice to reiterate it, I just mention it to show a place where words could be pared off. This part had some good description, especially the duffel bag 'bumping the aisle seats'. She does not attempt apology, not even an automatic and toneless murmur of 'Sorry'. I still did not like her.

*Cut* "So who was that girl at the station. Someone you know from the city," Jeremy's dad asked; curious to know what was keeping him so distracted. Normally, Jeremy was talkative and would be telling him about his last job and how he saved the company from millions. Jeremy was a real people's person. This is why he was so good as a consultant."
*Paste* A lot of words to say something that could be condensed with little effort. A critic once said that about 30 -40% of what we first write could be cut out to make a crisper story which would retain interest. Try it, maybe you could make it:

"So, who was that girl at the station?"

Norman Moore lifted a quizzical eyebrow at his son. Jeremy was distracted and moody, quite unlike his garrulous self. No tales of his his latest exploits as consultant-who-saved-the-company-from-disaster.

Note the added comma after 'So', the cutting out of 'he asked' with only the addition of a question mark. The condensing of the rest with suggestions in the description. A wee bit of camaraderie and irony is added.

*Cut* "remembering her light blue eyes and long deep auburn hair;"
*Paste* Auburn itself is a deep rich red, deep auburn seems tautology. When used after 'long', it can also be confused for another one of the meanings of 'deep' and one wonders how hair can be 'long and deep'.

*Cut* "Without anymore words"
*Paste* 'Anyone' is one word, but, I think, 'any more' should be two separate words.

*Cut* All those communication classes and she could say something more elegant.
*Paste* 'and she couldn't say something elegant' - I think that would make more sense. What she said was not elegant, so the more is not required. Please italicize or otherwise indicate that these are her thoughts. Both here, and at other places.

*Cut* Stacie pushed the button on the phone and thought about the trip.

*Paste* Would it not be easier to say she disconnected the phone? Or just state that she hung up? Phones have so many buttons, I wondered if there was one to start the process of thought, too.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1550134 Unavailable **
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Review of Memories  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello jayepmarhsall. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered. This is review 5 of 5

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

*Flower5* The Title: You class this as a short story in your item type, so I review this with my template for those. For such a reminiscent non-fiction piece, I do not know what else you could term it, except perhaps monologue. Of course the title is a feature that would have been present, whatever your item choice. This has an apt title, short without being terse, evocative without being explicit. Yet, I thought if you had picked one memory that reigned uppermost in fond memory and added that to the title it would have reached the pinnacle of my appreciation. Say "A Simple Life and a Jar of Lightning Bugs"

*Flower5* The Beginning: I have saved the best for the last. Of all your stories I found this one to be most heartfelt and sincere. It was full of mood evoking words and made me long for my own youth. We too would gather at out grand-parent's house, a totally different setting but a similar gentle life and conviviality. I laud this oe line of the beginning: " Mown grass lay in crooked swaths; ragged weeds drooped against headstones. "

*Flower5* The Setting: Oh, I could picture every bit of this. The charming church that has sadly fallen into disuse and disrepair. The services of yore wit the little three year-old "swinging my legs and periodically shouting 'Amen' just like I'd heard the grownups do", the growing up with the bucket-and-paddle ice-cream freezer, the jars of lightning bugs, the fresh vegetables, the compulsory chores, the LIFE!

*Flower5* The Characters: Ah, the young girl who reveled in these summer visits to her Grandma's is glimpsed only by her enjoyment of the activities and that one vivid picture of short legs swinging under a pew. Yet, I did not miss the physical details left out, any more than one wants to know what the photographer of a great movie looks like! The movie was wholly enjoyable and one acknowledges silent kudos to that unknown.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Oh, this was the icing, the cake was literally groaning under a surfeit of icing. Yet it was not too much, for it had been whipped to such delicate lightness! The words were not those of lyrical beauty, but simple ones of everyday objects, yet they brought the picture to life in my mind's eye. "The rusty bell hung slightly askew in the square bell tower and the ninety-two concrete steps leading to the building had acquired a permanent tilt."

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Was this a story? I think it was, for the beginning has a bit of present and a deft flash-back that is induced in natural reminiscence at a graveside. Then there is a relation of events long past, activities enjoyed in simpler times. The problem outlined is today's fast paced world that revolves so fast, nobody can enjoy the ride. The resolution is not suggested just a regret for what one might be missing. If any choose to seek resolution the answer has been made obvious to true seekers. Stop to smell the roses!

*Flower5* What I liked: It brought back many happy memories of my own, thank you. The medley of memories reminded me of that device we used as children - 'View-Master' it was called. Binocular eyepieces and from a disc, shots of various places would be projected if you held it against the light. A small lever advance the 'film'. Click-click-click! Some were stories that progressed, some were just scenery. You gave me that treat gain, with these vivid words of breathtaking imagery.

*Flower5* Suggestions: I did not see any glaring errors; I had no inclination to go on a hunt for them here, Forgive me, but I could not desecrate this by digging below the surface! There was nothing that leapt out, believe me, it was an exquisite enjoyment!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1550134 Unavailable **
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Review of Uninvited Guests  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Jaye P. Marshall . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered. This is review 4 of 5

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

*Flower5* The Title: I think this is the title that has best pleased me from amongst those items I have reviewed. I like it that the guests are honoured by that term, because they were not a malignant visitation. They were more uninvited than unwelcome, although the little boy might feel otherwise. The central premise is not obvious from the title. If it is based on a true story as the intro says, I think you would have an obvious advantage in being able to put a name to the manifestations.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I went back to check out the contest, perhaps using a link would have benefited you. For you have a spelling mistake in the name of the contest - it it 'lightning' not 'lightening'. Now, the latter was a genuine word, so I had to make sure the contest was not using is as deliberate pun. It was not such a pun, the title of the contest is - "Invalid Item"  . It was not the beginning, but you chose to begin with the statement that it was entered for this contest, hence the digression.

Onto the beginning proper: The first sentences are - "Nine-year-old David shivered in the sudden chill permeating his bedroom and looked up from the game he was playing. Across the room were three strangers." I think the reason David looks up should be mentioned after that act, to show the reason for it. Then, it is natural that he should espy the strangers. But where 'across the room'? What was in the intervening space? How come he saw them head to foot, without anything obstructing his view? No bed? No chairs or table? I feel a little rearrangement might help intensify the picture created. Maybe: "David looked up at the window, its thin curtains making only a feeble flutter in the almost still night. He hugged his arms across his thin chest and wondered at the sudden chill he felt. He tried to concentrate on the large story-book laid out on the floor, but something made the hairs on his nape prickle. He turned to glimpse a flare of deep blue skirt and heard a muttered exclamation. He scuttled along the floor to peep beyond the corner of the skirted bed. There were three strangers standing across the room, between him and the door."

OK, it is wordy but it answers a lot of questions I felt were legitimate, including why he did not run from the room, screaming at the top of his voice.

*Flower5* The Setting: I could not see any part of the house, not even the room. The bedroom, the dining room, none of this was described. In fact the old house could have got a bit of mention too, to explain how it got to be built on what was either a historic site or close to one. (The mother knew about its situation, so presumably the site was well known.)

*Flower5* The Characters: The ghosts were well described, but why did they wait so long to offer physical harm? Only the little girl sees him as a threat? It does not make sense. Why was the bible able to ward them off? They were presumably good Christians too. Why did they then keep returning? Why did David not confide in his mother until dire threat? David, his brother and mother lacked physical detail, it would be so easy to add it in. For e.g.:
"As they ate, David and his older brother, Adam, fielded the usual questions, ‘How was school today?’ and ‘Is your homework finished?’" That could become:
'David stared at the way Adam filled out his T-shirt as they ate, he made only assenting noises to his mother's usual mealtime catechism.

‘How was school today?’

'Arr-hmm' through a mouthful of potato.

'Is your homework finished?’

The blue eyes rolled for the benefit of only his brother. Adam gave a lazy wink of one cobalt eye, the other was hidden by a cultivated untidy fringe of brown hair..

'Grphhmm', this grunt seemed to satisfy his mother and she gave his tow-head a loving pat as she leaned over and passed him more peas.

Does this appeal to you more? I just added in the conversation as dialogue and a bit of physical description too. You can use any, all, or none of them, it is just an example.


*Flower5* The Descriptions: Like I said, other than the ghost, and they too got only the beginning bit, there was a paucity of this. There are bits that are good, the description of David fumbling on the nightstand for the Bible his grandparents had given him, his voice breaking in his struggles to overcome his fear, even as he tries to assume a commanding voice. Excellent. That part could have been expanded a little and the continuing terror cut out. One such night should be enough to drive the poor child to ask his mother for help.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I liked the story, because the experience was outside anything in my imagination. The idea of people not being able to 'move on', thanks to 'Ghost Whisperers - Seasons 1& 2, has been so overworked that the conflict and resolution were not unexpected; but the simplicity of this tale and the POV of a little boy made this different.

*Flower5* What I liked: I loved the one line epilogue. It reinforced the happy resolution of the ending. I also liked the understanding and empathetic mother. I wish the little boy had trusted this wise woman earlier, he would have saved himself some anguish. But this story would have been much shorter! *Laugh*

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just a couple:
*Cut* "The third person was a girl of about twelve with a large-framed figure and unruly, flaming-red hair that flared out from her head and (?) halfway down her back in a mass of wild curls. "
*Paste* It is unusual to have large-framed children, if one does not know their age. He would judge her as older because of her frame, but not as 'large for a twelve year-old', because children do not assess others that way. He might think she was about his age, or older than him, etc., but not assess age in years. As for the frame, he would think she was large and bossy looking, or that she looked like greedy Gerta from next-door! One should try and put oneself in the place of the person who is witnessing the action. Also, the last sentence lacks something at the bracket inserted, perhaps 'fell halfway down her back' or 'tumbled halfway down her back'?

*Cut* "The three intruders had returned to whatever they were doing before he had spoken."
*Paste* What was it that they were doing, in his estimation, 'staring with purposeful intent somewhere midway up the wall'? If we do not know, we cannot picture it.

*Cut* "David dragged his feet getting ready for bed, but no sooner had his mom turned out the light when the trio rushed toward the bed waving their arms and, from the looks on their contorted faces, obviously shouting."
*Paste* I have my hands up in the air. I am NOT about to take those commas and perform miracles of exemplary placement! But, I think even you would admit, a comma after a conjunction is not the way to go. How would a contorted face imply shouting, it could equally well imply strong emotion. Why would he be able to see them but not hear them? Unless they were so well behaved they were sticking to some oft-heard dictum about 'being seen, but not heard'? *Laugh*


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1550134 Unavailable **
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Jaye P. Marshall . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered. This is review 3 of 5

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

*Flower5* The Title: I like the title. Actually that doesn't say much, I am especially demanding of titles, and there are those that I love and those that I choose to pass over without comment. (Well except for a gentle hint or two! *Laugh*) Yours was about midway. It was apt, it was not quite run-of-the mill. But it gave away the central premise, that of a visitation from beyond the grave; it used a well-worn phrase. If there had been a pun, say 'All Ways with You', that would have gained meaning from the 'strange encounter'.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning was good, the sinking sun matching the mood of the protagonist. One line of despairing dialogue makes it clear that she has lost a loved one, a spouse. (I'm presuming some people might not have paid attention to the intro). But the very next para, I think it might qualify as being part of the beginning, brought me to a couple of 'Huh?' moments. This is a point where I stop and make the appropriate noise of surprise or incomprehension. Not quite a 'd-uh' moment because the facts are not obvious.

Here it was caused by two phrases: "Lifting the skirt of her long, dark blue, velvet robe, she slowly descended the porch steps and followed the familiar path up the hill." & "The sparse grass, heavy with dew, swished against the dark vinyl of her ballerina slippers." I was creating about four parallel frown lines per phrase - thinking She is going out of the house in a robe? A velvet robe? A long ankle-length velvet robe? She has on ballerina slippers? To walk on wet grass? They are made of vinyl? Now I am sure that this is not what is meant by the Great Continental Divide, but, believe me - at this moment - I am acutely conscious of some similar gap in comprehension. I'll blame it all on my being from India and not understanding your couture and attire. It did spoil the smooth enjoyment for me.

*Flower5* The Setting: The cemetery is rather close to the house, perhaps an estate with its own burial grounds? But, other than a confusing description of the sloping ground and hillside, we cannot picture it at all. Is it one large manor house, a part of a village, one isolated house?

*Flower5* The Characters: What did the characters look like? I do not know. What was their occupation? Ditto. How did the death occur - was it unexpected? The characters are shadowy and the emphasis is on the other-worldly experience only. This 'back-lighting' can work at times, but requires more gripping action to pull it off.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Some bits are well-done and elicited appreciative applause (silent) from me. Much of it was plagued by adverbs, if you are happy to use them then there is nothing further to say. If you are willing to try using alternative descriptions in at least some of the places, I think this would be improved. But, who am I to comment,? Try as I will, I have not been able to rid myself of this habit. I use less of them these days, but I cannot yet boast to have eliminated them from my writing.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Ah, this was where the whole was more than the sum of its parts, it scored well on arousing emotions. Poignancy, sentiment, fantasy, romance, all of these elements were combined with a deft hand. I wondered a bit why losing Eric again would comfort her so much, I might have lamented cruel fate in a similar situation. But, to each, his own.

*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the hope in the ending, anything that can bring comfort to the grieving is fine by me. Be it a ghostly experience or hallucination. It keeps her content and hurts nobody else.

*Flower5* Suggestions: There were a few:
*Cut* "The hinges creaked loudly, temporarily silencing the night song of the crickets. Turning to the right, she moved slowly"

*Paste* That's three adverbs in quick succession, if you are a great fan of them, fine. If you would consider altering the description to cut out one or more of them, I think the imagery might become more vivid. Say: 'The gate swung open with a groaning creak, sufficient to still the bright murmur of the crickets' night-song. Reluctant feet made the turn to the right, a slow well-remembered shuffle towards a white granite headstone that beckoned her with a pale glimmer.'

You use adverbs as if enamoured of that form of description, a few lines on, the para of two sentences has 'vividly', silently' and 'painfully'.

*Cut* "The gate creaked open and, as the moon scuttled behind a cloud, Amanda stepped into blackness"

*Paste* The gate has creaked open once, it is likely to creak again, but the reader needs no reminder of that. Try for something else as description. Maybe 'the gate seemed heavy and disinclined to let her through'? The rest is good description, this is the kind of showing that should be seen right through.
I do not dictate the words, just offer example to show that one can visualise easier with adjectives than adverbs. Try to stand and observe her, outside yourself, describe what you see.

*Cut* "She glanced up toward the vanished moon and stepped forward carefully"
*Paste* I pass over the adverb usage, it has been dealt with ad nauseum, but how can once glance towards a vanished object? She could described to have 'glanced up, her eyes seeking any comforting gleam of moon emerging from the clouds, but was forced to tread with caution into inky blackness.'

*Cut* "Yes, it was lights albeit dim, flickering ones, but lights nevertheless."
*Paste* I will not even attempt to place the commas in there. I am no expert, preferring to sprinkle them at random like a wordy Gretel. Of course that often precludes my finding the correct path, but I believe Gretel had the same problem! *Laugh* But something seemed not quite right in there. Read it aloud, with emphasis of speech and see if you agree. Maybe italicizing part of that as Amanda's thoughts would help?

*Cut* "apparently left ajar to admit the cooling summer breeze as well as to emit the thick blue cloud of smoke from smoldering cigars"
*Paste* Hmmm ... the door was not left open to 'emit' smoke, was it? Maybe to allow the 'exit/dispersal of the thick cloud ...'?

*Cut* "Smiling gently, she rose and walked serenely back toward the house."
*Paste* The end was clear-cut but contained two adverbs. I think endings deserve to be remembered for their deftness at creating an image. Picture those western movies of yore and the fadeout into the sunset as the camera's view shrinks to tiny circle, outlining the clasped hands of the lead couple. Do you feel you achieved the same capture of mood here? If you think so, I am silent. I see that this sports a red ribbon of praise; you have all the more reason to ignore anything I may say.



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1550134 Unavailable **
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! . Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness. This is review 2 of 5 of your auction win.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

*Flower5* The Title: The title definitely stopped my roving eyeball in its tracks, not quite the common example for the colour green, but not unexpected either. What could the story be about, I wondered. This curiosity is a good thing, but it should be satisfied by the look within, or else there is a feeling of something sought but not fulfilled. Did you feel the title answered any doubts as to why it was so chosen, to head this item?

*Flower5* The Beginning: I had a couple of bones to pick with this piece, not least with the beginning. The first sentence and first para are all that you can guarantee a reader will peruse, if you do not grip the interest within that short space of time, he/she is quite likely to make a rapid backwards shuffle and exit! So it must be gripping, powerful, interesting, yes - all of those; most of all it must be grammatically flawless. The best way to ensure that is to keep the sentences short and simple. Do not use any words of which you are unsure or tentative. Here you write: “Same as money!” That was the generally accepted idea of S&H Green Stamps when they proliferated across the business community from the 1950s through the early 1970s. Would you say 'idea of' or 'idea behind' the S&H stamps? Then again, 'proliferated' - is that the mot juste here? The Merriam-Webster dictionary chose to give the meanings of 'proliferated' variously as :
"1 : to grow by rapid production of new parts, cells, buds, or offspring 2 : to increase in number" Substitute the simpler phrase for the word and see if the meaning is what you intend to say? Did their number increase across the business community? Do you mean it was the stamps or the idea that 'proliferated'? It was the usage that grew more popular and widespread, is it not - why not say so? Bigger words are not always better words. Even assuming you are perfectly correct in the usage, after all, I'm no expert *Blush*; it was still a sentence that was diluted in impact by its lack of lucidity.

*Flower5* The Setting: The era should have been set up a little more in 3-D. It is a time or place many might not have seen; I, for one, was growing up on another continent in that period. What made money hard to come by in this era? Also, how did this system work for the retailer or shop owner, what did he get out of it? If money was scarce how come people preferred a delayed reward to any immediate discount or lesser price offered by competing establishments that were not belonging to this system? I ask these questions of logic because this seemed more essay than story to me, although you title it as a short story.

*Flower5* The Characters: Aunt Ida is not the less entitled to be satisfied because she paid stamps instead of money, after the central premise of the story is that these were as good as money. Why was this persnickety (great adjective, that! It set her as a fussy old women of a bygone era with one deft word!) woman ridiculed by her brother for wanting her money's worth? However, the other character, the narrator, the niece of 'Aunt Ida', finds great bargains and stuff for all three of her homes, paying with the very same alternative currency? Was there some stigma attached to the wanting the ultimate prize offered by the catalog? You seemed to have an inordinate number of stamps too, did that also not require a lot of purchasing to be done, to generate those stamps? Could we have an idea of how many stamps were required to purchase - say - a picture? Then we would know how much money needed to be spent to generate that many stamps. ($1.00 = 10 stamps, X stamps = 1 picture/table/ bedspread = $ Y spent in the first place)

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The description of some parts are detailed, some are skimmed over.

I am sure there must have some sibling rivalry for the comment to have touched Aunt Ida so, yet we are not even given a glimpse into that. If the word count was not restrictive we could have digressed a little there, to add to the story. It lacked the feel of a story and seemed more a eulogy framed to highlight S&H stamps.

So instead of:
"As she ranted on, one of my uncles, her brother, interrupted her. With a chuckle he said, “Well now, Ida, you know you get just what you pay for!” Turning all shades of red, she whirled around and stalked away. We never heard another peep out of her about that vacation."
We could have:
Ant Ida was well into her rant, her voice reaching levels of supersonic indignation, when Uncle Joe, her brother, interrupted with a low chuckle. “Well now, Ida, you know you get just what you expect from people!” Turning all shades of red, she whirled around and glared at him with all the authority of two year's seniority in age.

"Remember that fly in your soup?" He chuckled louder and she attained the colour of a ripe beet, stalking out before the apoplectic fit overtook her.

After she went out he shared the joke with all of us; Aunt Ida had once raised ten kinds of hell in a restaurant insisting there was a fly in her soup. It was a small establishment, but spotlessly clean; the cook-cum-owner had come out to show her that it was just a bit of dried mushroom. "She has been a staunch believer in the worst-will-happen theory since childhood," he confided, with a wink.

This is just off the top of my head, it could be anything to show the characters to us as living breathing human beings. You can add anything on these lines or not, as you wish, it is but an example.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Like I said, it does not read as a story to me. Where is the Problem? The Conflict? The Resolution? Maybe if the landlord had created some fuss about not providing better furniture, or if the old stuff had been pounced upon by the new tenants upon the first move?

Why was there a need to furnish from scratch? My daughter has little money to spare, but when she moved, she took a lot of stuff with her - there's always some odds and ends to spare! Or did you want all new stuff? Was there some need to have things that belonged to you, and only you? It seems pretty obvious that each move indicated a better financial status, why were the stamps still so much a necessity? Why not just move in with the old stuff and add more as money came in?


*Flower5* What I liked: It was something quite outside my experience, I like to learn. The problem was that, having learnt a little, there was much more that was unexplained. Still, it was unusual enough to retain my attention until the end.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"Nearly all of the grocery stores, service stations and many of the small Mom & Pop establishments, from butcher shops to dry cleaners, sported swinging signs proclaiming, “We give S&H Green Stamps”, near their entrance." Rather than split the sentence like this, try rearranging it thus:

'Nearly all of the grocery stores, service stations and many of the small Mom & Pop establishments, from butcher shops to dry cleaners, sported swinging signs near their entrance, proclaiming: “We give S&H Green Stamps”.'

"One year my Aunt Ida decided she was going to save up the Stamps" Why is the word 'stamps' capitalised?

"It hadn’t looked nearly so depressing on my original, daytime walk-through - but a lease is a lease." I would have thought that it would have looked even worse in natural daylight. Perhaps you could mention that little natural light came in? No, wait, you'd have flipped on the light then? Maybe the light bulbs weren't working, or had been removed?

"I promptly ordered a couple of pictures for the barren walls," I am not a fervent advocate of the no adverbs school; however, I feel compelled to point out that they are not conducive to the most vivid depictions of action. Do you feel if you replaced that with a little 'showing', it might be better?

Like: "I let my fingers linger over the selected items, mentally picturing them in the flat. Those water stains needed prompt attention - I placed an order for two paintings as camouflage."

Of course, an adverb is sparing on words, if a restrictive word count exists, I could understand. This is 844 words - nowhere near 1000, the most likely ceiling beyond 750 words.

"With the purchase of the house I was again financially “strapped”, so the stamps again came to my rescue by helping me add more bookcases and even a steel-mesh table and chairs set for the small patio." Instead of long sentences and multiple conjunctions, why not have two or three shorter ones? Then there is no confusion as to comma placement either. The stamps coming to the rescue seems unnecessary, since the problem is already outlined. One can solve this by shortening the sentence thus:
'With the purchase of the house I was again financially “strapped”, the stamps transformed into more bookcases and a steel-mesh table and chairs set for the small patio.' Are you sure the word strapped requires inverted commas? 'financially strapped' is a common term.



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1550134 Unavailable **
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello narnia3. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered. This is made at your request, for "In-depth Reviews"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

*Flower1* I realise your user name is a tribute to fantasy in general and C. S. Lewis in particular, but why 3? Are you aiming to be thrice as good? You are definitely well organised, so the name must have a precise meaning.

*Flower1* This piece ties into more than one series of writings, if the authors of this investigative report feature in one, the subject features in at least one other of which I know. I have come across the Lokoti Wolves before in a deft tale that combined various fantasy creatures including 'Circulators' and 'Phasers'. I was more than happy to read and research the background.

*Flower1* If you intend this as notes and detail to which you will refer when writing, the inordinate length is fine. If you wish to include it in a story, to make it a chapter, it might need pruning.

*Flower1* In some places the werewolves are far superior to man, when the North American Werewolves are described they are said to find Man a superior predator. Is this a difference between the species?

*Flower1* I like the fact that the entire piece is set out logically - divided into the various tribes and subdivided into their History, physical characteristics, Mating Habits, etc. etc. It seems treatise-like and the introduction of folklore within is merely to strengthen the facts.

*Flower1* The Lokoti Werewolves are detailed with the utmost care, the others seem there only to serve as comparison and contrast. Not unnatural, seeing that Elisha does much her research within the Lokoti tribe.

*Flower1* Whilst reading this, interest wanes by the time we reach the end of the description of the Lokoti clan, the rest is just skimmed over, to see the differences, if any. I think this is understandable because of the repetitive nature of the information, anybody not studying this material would find attention wandering. Researchers into this particular life-form might continue to find it gripping. I append some suggestions below.

*Flower1* Suggestions:
*Cut* "Werewolves are localized to certain geographic locations or continents. However, there were no Werewolves found on the continents of Africa, Australia nor South America."
*Paste* You have already suggested that the locations are limited, there is no need for the qualifying 'however'. If you had been saying they were 'found almost everywhere, however the continent of Australia could not boast of of more than a few pockets of scattered animals.' That might make sense.

*Cut* "to track the history of the ‘First Werewolf’ by honing in on the Werewolf’s DNA."
*Paste* Do you mean 'homing' in? for 'to hone' means to sharpen (a skill) or to whet (as in appetite).

*Cut* "In fact, the Raptor was the most closely related to this creature in physical characteristics, but it was fell short in height and surprisingly, in temperament."
*Paste* perhaps the word 'was' is redundant?

*Cut* "Similar to animal-spirit possession in other Shape-Shifters such as what can occur in Africa"
*Paste* I think that needs a bit of re-working or re-arrangement. "such as that occurred in Africa'? 'similar to the animal-spirit possession that occurred in the Shape-shifters of Africa'. Since I am not sure what you want to say I cannot offer the exact solution, but I do know it lacks lucidity.

*Cut* "when a Werewolf shifts its’ shape from human to beast."
*Paste* apostrophe not required.

*Cut* "When pursuing the investigation into Vampire legends in parts of Eastern Europe, this in turn led us into the field of Werewolves"
*Paste* How come the change of POV, of narration? It was in third person, suddenly it shifts to first person.

*Cut* "As with most natural species, supernatural creatures also adapt differently depending on their environment. "
*Paste* "evolve differently, depending on their adaptation to their varied environment"

*Cut* "It was said to have been a great battle, and only 15 of the male warriors barely survived"
*Paste* The adverb barely here weakens the act of survival. Either one survives, or one does not, one can survive sure death by a narrow margin, but the survival is not qualified. Living might be, one might be 'barely alive'.

*Cut* "The Lokoti Tribe had little contact with neither the English, French, Russian nor Colonial Americans for another 100 years"
*Paste* The phrase 'little contact' approaches 'no contact' in meaning, imagine replacing that by the latter term in the sentence. You can then see that 'neither' is not correct - it ought to be 'either'. Do you not think so? Actually 'either' or 'neither' is used for two choices, for this number 'any' would be the most apt choice.

*Cut* "even up to great distances that can reach thousands of kilometers cross country"
*Paste* I think this sentence is another one that has slightly awkward phrasing. Just a simple 'even upto distances as great as a thousand kilometers across country' will do.

*Cut* "sometimes the Lokoti Werewolf wanes with out his mate"
*Paste* 'Without' not 'with out'.

I have made a detailed study of errors/typos only in the part about Lokoti Werewolves, I assume the other parts would have a similar percentage of error, but you need to do a thorough edit for catching them all.


Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of July 4th  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am reviewing you as part of the Power Reviewers for April. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

*Flower5* The Title: I was disappointed by the title, I understand that is was a bit of misdirection on your part, but in the end it was not an apt title. I thought perhaps switching the intent of the intro and title might work - make the title "Memorable Fireworks" and the intro as as: "A 4th July family get-together". Or anything on those lines, if you can understand what I look for in titles.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Such a short story, does it have to go the gamut of these requirements? Yep, even 55 word stories have been known to conform to these norms. The sentences do not have the obligatory space after the ending periods. It irritates and makes the page look cluttered. Similarly a one line space in between paras would improve the entire item. Then the line: "I couldn't believe that the world's professional couch potato had come" Either ' a professional couch potato' or 'the World's most famous/first professional couch potato'. It just doesn't make sense otherwise.

*Flower5* The Setting: The brevity does not preclude setting, a word or two can do enough. As the crowd barges into the house, the garden or hallway can be described, the room in which they all gather can be shown, some part of the setting must be described for us to have a picture in our minds of what is happening.

*Flower5* The Characters: The narrator cannot be 'seen' at all, a bit of Mike is visible from his sad joking greeting his smug confidence, to the staged proposal. But the other characters are just stick figures, no depth. If the word count was 500, then you have more than 50 words to spare, add in some character details.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The descriptions are there but slightly off-kilter, "His velvety voice grated on my last nerve" We don't know why the irritation? Maybe 'the smooth smarmy assurance in his velvety voice grated on my nerves'? And why 'last nerve', why not 'every nerve' or just 'nerves' in general?

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It was funny, from my cribbing you might think I did not see that. Far from it, it was the potential in the story that urged me to tell you how it could become sublime.

*Flower5* What I liked: I am a bit of a misandrist - the male form of misogynist! So, anything that gives this breed their comeuppance sits well with me.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
Other than the one to add spaces after commas and periods -:

"Noone could understand " No one.
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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