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2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
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Review of Dear Me  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Chayla Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest"  [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title.

*Flower5* The Resolutions: More or less one resolution, and five means or ways to get there. Gave a rather uni-dimensional picture of what you want from 2009, but that's not against the rules.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: Brevity is not quite the unique characteristic for which one should strive. You just nipped in, under the wire, with the item length.

*Flower5* The Grammar: No biggies, but with such a short piece, it was easy to keep 'clean'.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: Trying to work two jobs, including week-ends and still write, is laudable by any standards of dedication.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: At one point it mentions writing during lunch breaks at Emcon and Wal-Mart. Another point says Emcon laid yo off. this is written at one point in time, why are two situations being discussed? You could put the first part in the past tense: "I know you wrote..." rather than "I know you write...".

*Flower5* The Whole: Simply short.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 2.09 KB *whew* just made it.*Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: '13+' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"Only sitting down and writing() will you achieve your goal." If you insert a 'by' between the first and second words, it makes more sense. A comma at the paired brackets might help.

"and how to procede from there" 'proceed'

"leave your writting for a day or two" 'writing'. To spell that word wrong is unpardonable. Spell-check picked it up, just fine.



Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear Me  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Tink_mom42 Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest"  [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title.

*Flower5* The Resolutions: Well reasoned and just a brief look backwards to set the face firmly forwards. Three main life goals, broken up well into subsets and with excellent plans on how to achieve them. I begin to see why you are successful in attaining the goals. You plan well.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: There is a wonderful sense of humour that leavens the serious purpose in this. I had this idiotic grin on my face as I was reading; son number one was casting dubious glances at me, implying disintegrating sanity. *Laugh*

*Flower5* The Grammar: Like I said, mislaid my fine-tooth comb, but I doubt if I'd have found much. A couple of things caught my eye, but I wasn't looking very hard, the whole was too enjoyable.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: I really loved the bit about gauging stress by the pitch of the voice. I laughed my head off there, and had to blindly scrabble under my chair, to retrieve it. Not dignified for a judge, wonder if I should take retribution in any way. I wonder how? *evilgrin* Nahhhh, I still had a great time!

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: You feed the left-overs and microwave a TV dinner for yourself, so who gets the freshly cooked meal that food got left-over from? (Bad construction, but I'm pondering here!) Ah, yes. The puppy no doubt has first dibs on the food! Presumably he's also the one flopping on the couch after a walk and begging for water? *Laugh* Just kidding, but who does?

*Flower5* The Whole: Loved the read. I really liked the introspection, the pause for congratulation, the analysis and ruthlessly honest directions. There was love and affection, determination and fortitude and that zany zingy humour that added zest to the whole! Marvelous, I feel replete.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 7.06 KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions: I wondered about the spelling of 'gage' and 'hording'; tending to think in 'my' system of spelling. I then used the spell-check to determine that this was perfectly valid USA usage.

Some minor comma issues; but I am not the greatest judge of where to place that pesky thing.




Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of A letter to me.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello cosmicgypsy Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest"  [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title. Although yours differed from the majority it was a bald statement of fact, no innovative 'spin' on either prompt or contents.

*Flower5* The Resolutions: Liked the logic of calling it a 'to pursue' list, you are right, most of the stuff on the 'To Do" list is left undone! Five worthwhile resolutions, credible and definitely within your capacity, to cross of as 'done' by year's end.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: Yay, you do not call it a 'year', but the more attractive 'one more trip around the sun'. I liked the way life is called 'time on the water'. In all, the use of elegant phrase and catchy metaphor made this enjoyable.

*Flower5* The Grammar: Nothing really staggering enough to be decried, yet there was enough to make one disappointed.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: Great closing benediction. Reminded me of the letter writing of yore.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: This had skill and talent peeing at every turn; a little effort would have raised the bar considerably. For an important contest it is worthwhile expending that effort. You may not win, but you will gain exposure and knowledge from the feedback.

*Flower5* The Whole: I liked the use of riparian metaphor.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 4.78 KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"within those lines of text you’ve penned are a goldmine" A bit of mixed metaphor there. But, let's just consider grammar, either 'is a goldmine' or 'are goldmines'. How about saying instead 'shine words of golden potential'? Same meaning, metaphor intact, avoids a tough choice.

"This list as all things are fluid they change to adapt to circumstances" A bit awkward, try: 'This list, like all things fluid, will change to adapt to circumstance.'


"It is ok you have other fish on the line" I prefer 'OK' or "okay'. Then, a comma after 'OK', would help. Lastly, the metaphor was about being a river, then a boat, now it is an angler.
All vivid in illustrating your point but a bewildering plenty of metaphor.

" Since its return you have maintained the momentum
that you need to “get r done”." I think there is some formatting gone awry there. Perhaps the use of indent running amok? It continues and irritates.

"by years end." year's end. Apostrophe required, possession is implied.

"I believe it to be worth while for a few reasons" Either 'worth my while' or 'worthwhile'.

"As you can see the list is short() but don’t be fooled though" No need for both 'but' and 'though' in that sentence. A comma at the paired brackets might help.

"In closing() a toast() as you make way" Commas required at those points.

Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear me... Oh My  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Lotta Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest"  [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title, I have said that 35 times before and been disappointed. Then a newbie, the freshest of buds, gets it right. I loved the gentle expression of dismay inherent in that title, good use of alternate meaning.

*Flower5* The Resolutions: Three areas for a total of ten resolutions. A good mix between personal, professional and writing related ones. I liked seeing the whole you! The absence of an organized list was not a biggie, it suits the friendly chatty approach to this letter.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: It had a systematic approach without being purely business, it had informal and brezzy chatter without becoming inconsequential. It was honest without being dismissive of anyone or anything.I liked the refreshing style.

*Flower5* The Grammar: A couple of mis-used words/typos and some commas that wiggled out of place. No biggies.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: Your career includes your 'day job' as well as writing. kudos on giving each equal importance.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: It is a whole new ball game. The rest of it is 'I will focus' and "I will study" so this should be in the same vein. "It is going to be a whole new ball game."

*Flower5* The Whole: I enjoyed the read in a relaxed fashion. No frantic eye roving for mistakes or distracted by references or words beyond the common comprehension. Simple language, credible goals, segregated but not made into an inter-office memo.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 3.20 KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"thinking I was going to loose my mind, but I survived" This happens to a lot of people, but it is 'lose' for something you might be unable to retain possession of, 'loose' for something not slack or which is not taut.

"Look out world hear comes Carlotta" I think you mean 'here'.

"I plan to enhance, no() completely redo() my entire wardrobe" I think at least the comma after 'redo' is indicated.

Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear Me 2009  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello StephBee Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest"  [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title

*Flower5* The Resolutions: Six is my golden mean for the number of resolutions. Enough to round out one's goals and make them encompass their world, both virtual and real. Yet not too many to accomplish. You hit that nail squarely on the head. Well organized and presented

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: You threw in a lot of sporting references. I'm not even sure which game. Football? (Chad Pennington) Base ball? (Three and out, like three strikes and you're out?) Basketball? (two point conversion?) But it stood out as different and to a more knowing judge, it might have been delectable. *Blush*

*Flower5* The Grammar: Impeccable, I would have expected no less.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: There's that leaven of humour, the zing in your style.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: There are a lot of references to person or place, somebody unfamiliar with your country or culture, might find these difficult to grasp. I looked at Chad Pennington, just the reference to 'The Comeback Kid' would have got your message across as effectively. I could not see the relevance of the 'went I-15 in 2008', Wikipedia say it is the "fourth-longest north-south transcontinental Interstate Highway in the United States,". Oh, it was 1-15! Some kind of score? Still fuzzy, but seeing a glimmer of light.

Or the buying of the lottery ticket 'just in case'. *Blush* How was the past year lackluster if you won 8th place in The 77th Writer's Digest? I'd be on cloud sixteen at least!

*Flower5* The Whole: There was no need to make goals include either WDC/Writing or the real world/home/career. Some have left one out, some the other. I loved the ones that had a balance of both, giving a 3-D 'peep' at the person. You chose to all about your writing. But perhaps your real persona revolves around that? Still, the kids get just a brief mention as factors that limit your time given to writing.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'ASR' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"My attempted two-point conversation " I say this with a great deal of hesitation, but was it 'conversation' or 'conversion'.

Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear Me  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello ~Mary A~ Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest"  [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title

*Flower5* The Resolutions: The resolutions are late in coming and laconic compared to the beginning, yet they are credible and laudable goals.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: You take us on a journey into the past, the making of yourself. It was a refreshing experience.

*Flower5* The Grammar: The language is at times too 'flowery' and the effort to use words effectively shows. Take the opening line - "It is with a great disdain that I profess to write you this letter" Even using simpler words - "It is with great scorn that I agree/acknowledge/ to write this letter" - it just does not make sense. Rather you could say 'It is with great distress that I attempt to bridge the gap between us - our differing points of view.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: I liked the reminder of the beginning of the writing journey, it just took up too much of the letter. In the end, it became more 'flashback' than a looking ahead to 2009.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: It seemed to not only have a lengthy preamble but also a sketchy finish. The intentions and emotions in the beginning were repeated in only slightly differing ways.

*Flower5* The Whole: Your letter has an opening paragraph that states it is being written with 'great disdain'; yet that para ends with a claim of benevolent persuasion. A rather bewildering change of heart.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 6.93 KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
" Review your peers, for it is there opinion that matters and not the critics" 'their opinion'. This is a mistake that goes unchecked by any spell-checkers (automated variety).

"Let me begin where it is worthwhile to begin." I think the point would be underlined if you used the qualifying word 'most'. Thus: Let me begin where it is most worthwhile to begin.

"It was on a warm day several years ago that the idea of writing first came to you" Why the mention of the warm day? Was the lecture hall unbearably hot? Or had you slipped into an air-conditioned hall to escape the heat?

"listening intently to the lecturer speak with enticing prose" Prose is not generally used for the spoken word, more for the written one.

". Your first sets of ideas were all children’s books and you completed a fair few of them before I somehow convinced you that you had the potential to write longer stories" I have read children's books that were longer than those meant for adults. Is there something not quite worthy of ambition in children's books?

"You embarked on the rarely taken journey of literary intelligence shortly thereafter." If this a personal rarity it might be made clearer by saying it was previously 'uncharted territory' for you. Otherwise it seems as though you are saying few have taken such a literary journey.

"Your belief in yourself, I saw at that moment, was extremely depleted if not missing completely. " Which moment? What is extremely depleted? It is like saying 'almost poor' or 'very broken'. Another synonym can be used, 'needy' or 'shattered' respectively for the examples given before.

There are other places that might benefit from a second look.

Hoping you have a great 2009!

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear Me 2009  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Sandy~HopeWhisperer Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest"  [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title. BTW, your intro says 'WCD' instead of WDC. You should change that, pronto.

*Flower5* The Resolutions: I liked the unconventional opening, it gave a direction to the year. But I would have chosen a verb other than 'submerge' for giving oneself upto the New Year. One with more hope and expectation, something like - 'embrace', perhaps? Eight resolutions, not counting the opening. Yet, they were credible and worthy.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: The bit about the parent-child relationship was poignant. It would help us all to learn what you counsel.

*Flower5* The Grammar: I am learning a bit about commas placement; I am still not an expert. So I hesitate to critique but the sentences seemed overlong, not to mention convoluted, at times. See the 'Suggestions" below for examples.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: There was a lot I could choose to laud, the daughter, the mother, the gallant trier. Yet it was the closing that caught my eye. It is spoke of learning to be happy in one's own skin. "You will dance and allow your spirit to speak not only to yourself but to others." *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: The wriggly, elusive comma has made some eloquent writing lose its impact.

*Flower5* The Whole: Well balanced between real life and writing life. I sometimes wonder about the people wh write the pieces and I thank you for allowing us to 'see' you.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 2.85 KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions:

"Do not let the difficult path he is travelling now*Check2* being unable to do for himself*Check2* dampen your spirit." Long sentence, lacking commas. I suggest placing these at the check marks. I would also substitute 'fend' for the word 'do'.

"This will be the year you will make strides in writing you have dreamed of, yet buried years ago under a mountain of hurt, brokenness, and the normal raising children, working three jobs to support them and the many medical difficulties they experienced." Again long, with jumbled phrases. It would benefit from being broken up in to shorter sentences, or else from re-arrangement of phrases. Better still, both.

"Those things lie within your soul and you alone can rob yourself of this" You already point out to 'those things', 'of them' would be a better choice, more lucid.

"You will dance and allow your spirit to speak*Check2* not only to yourself*Check2* but to others." I thought commas at those check marks might serve to emphasize what you are saying.

Words repeat, I saw 'enhance' and 'accomplish' both duplicated in quick succession. These are mere hiccups, the taste was great! *Laugh*



Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear Me  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Wyn - missing III Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest"  [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title

*Flower5* The Resolutions: A bit scanty on the resolutions, three seemed to be making the minimum effort required. Yet I found two more resolutions hiding in the letter although they were not counted off, or numbered. (Fourthly, Fifthly)

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: All writing goals, appropriate for WDC. I just wonder though. if the persona was meant to be restricted to this dimension only?

*Flower5* The Grammar: Thank you for a neat and ordered format. I found the lines easier to read with the one line space between paras. A first line indent would have further enhanced it. You get out of awkward comma choices by using crisp one word and two word sentences. This makes good emphasis in the 'conversation' too.

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: I liked your thoughts on reviewing and echo those sentiments heartily.

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: Why would you turn up your nose at cinquains and haiku as non-poems? Yet, you think any effort to write stories should be encouraged, even flash fiction.

*Flower5* The Whole: Short - succinct.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Begins with "Dear Me," *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 2.29 KB *Check3* Just barely made it - but you did!
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just one tiny quibble. First, let me applaud your comma-sense. (Much more useful than common sense! *Laugh*)

I thought resolutions 2 and 3 were parts of the same, both were about unfinished stories. Yet one was about making sure future writing efforts were carried to completion and the other was about finishing off the older bits and pieces. I'd make that separation clearer.

Hoping you have a great 2009!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Dear Me  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Sticktalker Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest"  [E]

*Flower5* The Title: I find no rule that says the title has to be limited to the salutation, unlike last year. I would love to see an innovative title

*Flower5* The Resolutions: Few enough to retain attention, yet spread out over a vast spectrum of needs. Definitely credible and 3/5 is a laid back estimate that guarantees satisfaction.

*Flower5* The Unique Telling Points: Guys are supposed to be good at listing stuff, should I waste time by saying this was well laid out? The different resolves cover the ground well, and if achieved, will make a 'new man' of you!

*Flower5* The Grammar: Most of this achieves your 'anti-goal' - *Laugh*! I like that term! Resolving what NOT to do! But there are grammar hiccups:
"If you can’t write more, maybe you should try to actually ride that bike you bought at the end of last summer more often than once a week." Uh-oh, the phrase splits up the meaningful direction of the rest. Maybe a little re-arrangement is required? (Also see "Suggestions" below)

*Flower5* The Bits I Salute: In 2008 you finished just ONE project, so two will double last year’s effort. Good point. Loved the little note to spend more time with the spouse, even if it was an afterthought!

*Flower5* The Bits I Pondered: Why would you set out five goals when you do not set yourself a target of reaching them all? Why not set yourself only three? I felt that after a good bit of introspection, the resolve was lacking.

*Flower5* The Whole: Good, without being sublime. It stopped just short of that. Perhaps it was the chosen genres of 'Satire' and 'Comedy' - there was just the leaven of self-deprecation and gentle humour. I was expecting zany comedy and mordant satire.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Letter format: *Check3*
Size Between 2 & 12 KB: 4.57 KB *Check3*
A Static Item in the port: *Check3*
Submitted only once: *Check3*
Edited only up to the deadline: *Check3*
Rated 13+ or below: 'E' - *Check3*
Please, puh-lease, remember NOT to edit until the contest results are announced.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"You keep telling me that it's a best seller(*Check2*) now show me!" A comma required at *Check2*?

"some statements saying that you own money to the eye surgeon" 'owe' money? Maybe you need to pay the eye-surgeon a visit (and more money*Laugh*)?

"Right now I can only see about a square foot of actual desktop, the rest is covered by" *clears a space for the coffee mug by dumping some bills in the card holder* Well, if you can see one square foot of space - I'd say the desk is pretty clear! *Bigsmile*

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello granny , I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: Without punctuation the title could be interpreted in a number of ways. Little-Nose will get you into trouble, is one such way. Then one reads the story and sees that it is a little boy, whose name is 'Nose will get you into trouble". I understand why you choose to label the item as 'other'. It is a story, set in prose-poetry form. I understand that it has a specific format, it has to be thus.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The story starts well as a fable must, with the introductory phrase setting the tale as one of 'long, long ago'.

*Flower5* The Setting: The story has the flavour of a different people. I wonder if your foot-note could also tell us a bit about them? Just a gentle query.

*Flower5* The Story: I loved the building up of the character, the curious young boy. The gentle tale unwound with simplicity. The passing on of the physical trait of a 'lightning streak' was an endearing touch.


*Flower5* Suggestions:
"he whole tribe would shake their heads in dispare, there he goes again that nose will one day get him in real trouble" Despair? And should not the remarks be enclosed within quotes?

There were some places where I felt an extra comma might make things more lucid. I give but one example:
"And then(,) one day in late spring(,) there came a storm such as even the eldest of the elders had never seen."


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of My Nightmare  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Anastasia. V. Pergakis , I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


*Flower5* The Title: Apt title, it has a layer of meaning beyond the obvious, it hints at the emotion within, while giving away nothing of the direction of the tale. Yet, I wonder why I felt disappointed? It felt too 'pat', but that is what titles are supposed to be. It is illogical and I am sorry, because it is all that I normally expect from a title.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning sentences of the Short Story Playground Entries were already part of the prompt. Well devised and calculated to drop one smack into the story.

*Flower5* The Setting: This was a bit patchy. One could have done with a little contrast between the dingy hotel room and the apartment. What was 'D's place' like? A little description about how it felt comfortable despite being much simpler than the Ritz would tell a lot about the emotions too.

*Flower5* The Characters: There were a number of them , the on-line friend, the real-life friend, the ex-step Dad (he was the step, was he not?), the two persona of the narrator. They should have had some sharp outlines to define them and their need to be in the story. A lot of it seemed to be put there with a 'take it or leave it'. For example if David is exploiting 'Jade' (we do not know her other name) why are the encounters so infrequent? What happened during the 'kidnapping'? Why was the hair lost? Who exactly is David, and why can't the police take care of him?

*Flower5* The Descriptions: We never really 'see' any of the characters. How does the narrator's appearance look normally? Isn't the garb described for 'Jade' rather unnecessarily meretricious?

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: THe story progressed well from the Problem to the Conflict and finally the Resolution. I felt that a little more explanation and tying up of loose ends would help make the solution neater.

*Flower5* What I liked: It is difficult to build a tale from one sentence. What amazed me about this contest was the variety of directions writers took that first line. Yours was imaginative and refreshing.

*Flower5* Suggestions: A few points that had me thinking and the comma placements. I am no expert on commas, but I felt a couple places needed them, see check marks:

"I lit a cigarette*Check3* and inhaled deeply*Check3* trying to calm my nerves. "

"I threw the phone across the room*Check3* then wiped my sweating palms on the sheets." Two totally unrelated actions. I would think that splitting it up into two sentences would make the emotions clearer. For e.g.: "I threw the phone across the room in a frenzy of disgust, intermixed with a familiar dread. I wiped my palms on the sheets, they had become slick with sweat."

"I had learned along time ago how to hide my fear" 'a long' not 'along'.

"I was the lucky girl who had to get "kidnapped" my sophomore year of high school – at least that's what the news had said" Please expand on this further. Even if the news said that, why did it do so? Lucky? How so?

"Lilly chewed on her bottom lip, a sure sign she was deeply thinking." Deeply thinking or thinking deeply? I plump for the latter expression, but it is your choice.

"But you're voice does sound familiar to me" This is one of the mistakes it is hardest to spot. I always expand all the shortened words and abbreviations to their fullest form. I check to see they still 'fit' and then return things to the original state. (So easy on a computer). This expands to "you are" and the correct word to use here is 'your'. Your voice, not you are voice.

Of course, the contest is long over. If you still wish to, a second look would improve this story.



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Rising star Member to Member review January 2009

*Flower5* The Title: I liked the title very much. It was just my thought that using the singular instead of the plural would add another layer of meaning to it. Still a powerful and apt title.

*Flower5* Rhyming: I first read this through and sat back in awe at the message. Then I went back and checked to find an unusual choice for all the normal devices. A rhyming pattern of a-b-c-b-d-d-d-B. I had not come across it before but with the use of the last line refrain, it was extremely catchy.

*Flower5* Meter: Wow, this one had the natural cadence all right, but I did not expect meter too. That too was there, an impeccable 8-6-8-6-8-8-8-6 that echoed the rhyming pattern.

*Flower5* Grammar: By now I expected an exemplary punctuation and grammar. I found perfection here, too.

*Flower5* Poetry Form: I do not know of this form, but 'tis an attractive one, pleasing to both eye and ear. A foot-note for those who are not well versed in forms might help.

*Flower5* Poem as a whole:The whole was greater than the sum of its parts! If each device was used to perfection and imagery bloomed serene, the message of universal brotherhood was so significant in these times.

*Flower5* Remarks: How could I not mention the wonderful image made for you? It is as uplifting as the poem and matches it perfectly. The various colours in the robe stand for our multi-cultured world and the uplifted arms and face seemed to be looking upward for guidance. I normally give most items a fervent *Thumbsup**Check2*, for you I stand up in applause.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

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Review of Chained  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Jaye P. Marshall - welcome to a review from {item:1451629 }. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: Short but evocative. The mind is unfettered by reality, and pictures what it wishes; restrained only within the hint of structure revealed in the intro. It could go in so many directions, one dives in to see. For all its brevity, an effective title - even more so after the read.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The scene is set, the mood of expectancy created deftly. The man's thoughts, spiraling with the whittled wood ... Bravo.

*Flower5* The Setting: The scenes are all 'set' well, be it the country landscape, the woods that were used for the 'nutting' or the cowshed and the rescue of the new calf. I now nothing of such scenes, but you brought it to life for me.

*Flower5* The Characters: Seemed as true to life as I could tell. The language was just gently rustic and 'fifties'. The names were of those times too.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Ah, this was done softly, tenderly. I loved the description of Willy's first glimpse of Eileen. "The sunlight glinted off her auburn hair and danced around the swirls of dust raised by her feet. "

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I loved the ending, I was wondering where the twist would come and how. I was prepared for something more dramatic. But this subtle turn to the tale was a master-stroke. I expected to be bludgeoned and got a swift thrust of the rapier from a master-swordsman!

*Flower5* What I liked: The ending, the ending, the ending. I learned a new word too - 'swagged'.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just couple of places that had me pondering:

"But she came once, he thought*Check3* as the flashing steel slowed to soft caressing strokes." Did you feel there was a comma required at the check mark?

"Well . . . eh. . . Miss . . . " he stammered*Check3* as his mother stepped out onto the porch, wiping her hands on her apron. Again, I thought it might be appropriate to place a comma at the check mark. Unless you intend to convey that he stammered because his mother came up?

"He and Pa just finished putting in the hay from the west field." He and Pa had just finished this chore when he saw her, so where was Pa? He doesn't come out throughout the entire conversation. You might let us know where he was? Had he gone off to put the tractor away?

"Couldn't ask for anything purttier for tables and the like" Whenever I have read that word, it has been spelled 'purty', with one 't', not two.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
SAJ Group Review Signature by Zandralynn
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Legerdemain , I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: "How Skip Made his Mother Cry." That is the title I would have liked to see. This was one humdinger of a story that had a cracker-jack ending! The title was so much a bland statement, that was just like the myriad other Mother's Day pieces, that it made me cry! Great stories require superlative titles. I am sorry to be severe, but I think a title has to do much more than just state what the story is about. It must cry out "Read me!" to a person just glancing through all the items on offer, it must promise something interesting lies within, it must just suggest the story but not reveal the whole,... oh, now you have got me onto my hobby horse, I may never stop rocking! *Bigsmile*

*Flower5* The Beginning: I love these beginnings that just crash land right in the middle of the story. I just had a brief halt at the name, why 'Oura'? Does it have a meaning specific to squirrels or their habitat?

*Flower5* The Setting: Squirrel behaviour was well researched. Nests *Check3*, storing, but not digging up the store over and over, *Check3*, Chattering, scampering *Check3*.

*Flower5* The Characters: I like the way worrying moms, and bright loving children are personified in this Squirrel family. Loved the bit about Uncle Henry. It is just deft details like this, that make this story great.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: There wasn't length enough for any vivid imagery but you slipped in a line that had me applauding. "Skip came hopping into the nest smiling from whisker to whisker" In a squirrel, it could not be from 'ear to ear', it is correctly described here and the similarity-difference is perfect.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I already said it was great, but after a second read I have to say I must correct myself. It was beyond great, it was superb!

*Flower5* What I liked: Kids. They are the same, the world over. You can't help but be moved by the amount of trouble they will take to get things 'just so'. Or the innovative ideas they get, either.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Please, give this the title it deserves. One of your own devising, if you wish.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Joy , I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: I am more severe on story titles, I ask them to do more than a summing-up; for an article this one was OK, a statement of content. The reader is immediately sure whether or not they wish to enter within.

*Flower5* I like to twist words and ponder upon etymology, so this way of stating the content awoke my interest the more effectively.

*Flower5* Articles are for information and this one was well balanced. I would have liked to know more of the tale of the first feast and the Indians coming bearing gifts of food. Or any other tale of the feast, or even of its symbols like the cornucopia and turkey.

You do mention the tradition of pardoning a turkey, but that was a one-liner. Anecdotes save articles from being 'dry'.

*Flower5* The language and grammar are impeccable; as is the format of the article, with a first line indent, and a one line space between paras.

*Flower5* Most harvest festivals all over the world are a way of giving thanks for nature's and God's bounty. This is the only one known by the name that proclaims it so. Thank you for sharing a bit of its story with us.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
A 'colorful' sig for WDC Power Group to use in their reviews
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Flower4* This teaser works as it is meant to, it casts a spell of interest upon the reader!

*Flower4* Good work sketching out the characters, it gave us a feeling as though they were in a TV serial and were all being interviewed for a pre-show release. Generating curiosity, it achieved your purpose. The preface also worked. Where's the rest? Gimme!

*Flower4* The language was simple, the actions and interactions real, the story almost inevitable. Deft job.

*Flower4* Good choice of font, clean formating with a line space between paras, grammar and spelling in place. What more can one ask? Except for more, like Oliver Twist! *Laugh*

Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A 'colorful' sig for WDC Power Group to use in their reviews
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Review of Tea and Sympathy  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am reviewing you as part of the Power Reviewers for January. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

*Flower5* The Title: I thought the title was efficient. It did its job well. Yet one had less admiration for it at the end, because I saw little sympathy or empathy in that tea. The intro fitted it better than the title.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning sentence was so bland, I nearly turned right around. I'd have missed some gentle irony if I had, but one should really plan to put a better face upon what will greet any reader. For which contest was this written? Was the prompt to include 'x' number of titles of soap operas in the story? If you either 'bold' or italicize the titles, one would be better able to judge if that prompt was followed. A statement of the prompt and/or a link to the contest would add interest.

*Flower5* The Setting: A description of where they were having tea would help underline the difference in lifestyles.

*Flower5* The Characters: Again, some physical description would help to fix the protagonists in our minds. Here they are just Jenny and Georgia, right to the end. We have no face to put over the names.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Was there a restrictive word count, because so many elements of the short story are missing, like this was a fragment of one. Yet I have seen entire mysteries unraveled in 100 words. Where was the Problem-Conflict-Resolution pattern? Where was even the end? This had merely a beginning and middle.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Some bits tht seemed incongruous:
"But her own husband worked in a small public practice, and spent more time on the golfcourse," If he is not very successful or rich, how can he afford to spend time on the golf course?

*Flower5* What I liked: I attempted this kind of contest once and it is a difficult task. To achieve any degree of credible story and yet work in different titles ... OOOoooffF! So, 'A' for effort.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"Soap opera’s and housework" Apostrophe not required.

"Sometimes innocence is bliss, that’s my motto" I think the term is 'ignorance is bliss'? Even unchanged, it would fit quite well into the trend of conversation.

" Jenny half – choked on her tea." I half-died at that term. *Laugh* Why not just let her choke, like all normal people?

"Georgia grasped her friend on the hand" Cut out the words 'on the' and just make that 'friend's hand' instead.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A 'colorful' sig for WDC Power Group to use in their reviews
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Review of Lance and Rose  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am reviewing you as part of the Power Reviewers for January. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

*Flower5* The Title: This could be just the names of the two main characters, or be about their contrasting natures. One is Steel, resolute and capable of dealing with life's blows, the other is delicate and needs nurturing and protection and is beautiful too. Whichever way the story goes, my imagination has already nudged my curiosity.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Uh-oh. THe first sentence and a 'Huh?' moment already. "Lance knew that his sophomore year is going to be different." There is a tense change there, 'Lance knew' and 'was' or 'Lance knows' and 'is'. It repeats elsewhere too. Later in the first para, is the use of 'gonna' an attempt to personify the action as that of a teen likely to use slang? Why does he make the choice of the 'third day of school after summer break"? Why not the first or second? The 'setting' was not accomplished by this little preface.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting of college activity or of Lance's home, or even of the journey to and fro; all that is missing. A little of the emotional turmoil is described. It is told in simple but effective words but the tense swings and the typos spoil a good mood.

*Flower5* The Characters: The characters are credible. I like the initial confusion when he thinks only of 'her' and she thinks of 'him' too, yet the lines are crossed.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: We really do not know much of this, physical description is lacking. It is not a must, but it prevents visualization of the protagonists.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I liked it, a triangle with a happy ending.

*Flower5* What I liked: The simplicity of the tale, and the twist of the usual love triangle.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just take a good second look please, other than the tense confusions there were other places that could benefit.

"Well, three years is a long time to slowly but surely like your crush more and more to the near point of obsession." Long sentence with the use of confusing words that can serve as both nouns & verbs. Like 'crush'. It could be slang for the object of one's desire, or the action of clamping and reducing something by brute force. 'Point of obsession' is understandable, what is 'near point of obsession'? You can't almost obsess about somebody!

" At school, Lance came in and the very first person that she saw was her" I presume that it is 'he' saw?

"Suddenly, Lance was very inerested to hear what that was about" Spell-check will pick these typos for you. 'Interested'.

Just some examples of what marred an enjoyable story. It was otherwise a worthwhile read.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A 'colorful' sig for WDC Power Group to use in their reviews
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Kim Ashby - welcome to a review from "Invalid Item" . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: Loved the title, it suggests acceptance of all shades of the person.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I notice that these pieces are non-fiction, I wonder why I am using my short story template for the reviewing! Well, they contain all the elements I would look for in a short story and I mean to laud that effortless achievement. The introductory para firmly sets the picture, the reasons for Myrna's shades in character.

*Flower5* The Setting: An emotional setting, more than a physical one. The two adults and the children all contribute to the tense moments and the light frothy ones. Well contrasted slices of life.

*Flower5* The Characters: They all ended up as flesh and blood, clear in my mind's eye. Myrna, your mother especially so.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: This is your forte. In this piece, as in the other - your description overshadows all the other exemplary bits.
"I lived to make her laugh--to stay afloat on the contagious notes of that laughter; she was irresistible then and all was right with the world. "

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: As much a tribute as the one before, one that shows a deep understanding of the person. It takes great depth of emotion to be able to see, and accept, all sides of a person.

*Flower5* What I liked: It ends with a subtle tone of change in the relationship, suggestion without any implicit words. I found that to be a master-stroke.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"Mike and I both held our breath until the sun peaked through again" The image of a bright sun 'peaking' and then breaking through darkness is still understandable; if that is what you meant to convey. The more conventional form though, would be 'peeking' through.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A 'colorful' sig for WDC Power Group to use in their reviews
SAJ Group Review Signature by Zandralynn
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Review of The Refuge  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am reviewing you as part of the Power Reviewers for December. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

*Flower5* The Title: I have been spoilt by a number of stories with superb titles. So one that is good, failed to impress at first. Yet, this does most of what it should do. It fits the story, and probably the prompt, too. It generates interest, and is expanded upon well by the intro.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Excellent beginning. It set the tone of the piece immediately.

*Flower5* The Setting: I have never seen ice or snow other than in my refrigerator's freezer compartment! Yet I could feel the chill, the rising of the mist and I had goose-bumps!

*Flower5* The Characters: The narrator and her friend are natural. The description of the sad abuse is all too real. Yet the words are simple.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The natural surroundings are well described. The mental atmosphere is depicted with equal dexterity. "and the nature of the games changed" That girl's world spins out of control with those few words.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: A well-deserved win.

*Flower5* What I liked: The simplicity. It takes courage and conviction to tell this chilling tale without hyperbole.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Not even thinking of going there. Thanks for the read.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A 'colorful' sig for WDC Power Group to use in their reviews
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am reviewing you as part of the Power Reviewers for October. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

*Flower5* The Title: Excellent tile, I wondered how a little baby would get around to doing this. Then I pondered whether an unenthusiastic new father might try an awful 'punny' joke on us? I'm glad to say I was both relieved and amused.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Good beginning, it sets the physical surroundings, the date, the weather, the location. Deft job.

*Flower5* The Setting: The various settings are well done. Sketchy, but the caricatures are instantly recognisable.

*Flower5* The Characters: This is another part that is well done. Both John and uh-don't-know-her-name (unless it is Honey? *Bigsmile*) are seen in 3-D.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I loved the bit about eyebrows being 'triangular', I could just picture the v-shaped depression! But triangular? A triangle requires three sides, one has two eyebrows. Never mind, it caught the attention.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I enjoyed the read, but I'd be happy to chastise John, if his wife's 'look' left him unscathed! So typical a 'Dad' remark.

*Flower5* What I liked: You got into the 'skin' of the characters well. Of course, it is based on a true experience, but at times those are the most difficult to describe.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just a query - why include a bitem link to this same item as part of it? It must have been added in after the first 'save', I cannot figure out the reason.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A 'colorful' sig for WDC Power Group to use in their reviews
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Review of Lost in my Home  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello inkonpaper - welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I predict you won't be a nameless face for long - we will come to know you through your writing.

*Flower5* The Title: I liked this one. It has the unusual, and the stimulus to find out how this paradox can exist is aroused. Then, it also apt after the read. Good work.

*Flower5* The Beginning: This is a place where a little effort can make the piece shine. Beginnings must be impeccable and taut to draw the reader within the story. Your first line, though good in content, lacked immaculate structure.
" I closed my eyes and tried to pretend that I was somewhere far off where I was. It was peacful." "somewhere far off (from) where I was' and 'peac(e)ful'. Otherwise excellent bit of 'setting' The contrast between real and imagined world was well done.

*Flower5* The Setting: You could add some details to make the body of the story as effective as the beginning. The bedroom , the dresser, the living room or kitchen - any of these could be described in passing to give the characters a setting.

*Flower5* The Characters: The parents are mere caricature. maybe some scraps of the fight and the accusations they throw at each other can define them further. If this lacked anything it was dialogue, whether real or internal. You even have the narrator thinking about possible outcomes at one point but restrict the exploration to one phrase about getting a job.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The first part was gripping, then it becomes disjointed. Pause and picture it in your mind. What are the things a teen might notice as she went through the house? Maybe she lingers over a favourite stuffed animal and regrets not being able to take it along? Maybe she fingers the folds of a jacket that her Dad bought her in happier times? Maybe she sniffs a perfume she purchased because it reminded her of the one her mother used? Some hints of how things disintegrated to the present.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It has a good central premise and might serve to wake-up sparring couples as to how this impacts so badly upon the children. You could take this story further to suggest that.

*Flower5* What I liked: The POV was spot-on in the deft beginning. Keep it at that level, do a thorough edit and you have a winner.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Some things to correct if you wish:
"I decided then I wouldnt let " missing apostrophe in "wouldn't"

"I slowly unfolded myself from feedlle position" You do mean 'fetal' position do you not?

"I made my way up the squiky wooden steps" Squeaky?

"was my all the money I had saved" The word 'my' is not required here.

"tucked on the bottum of the big pocket" 'bottom'

"went down the stairs as quitely as possible" 'quietly'

"quikley pass into the kitchen" 'quickly'

"foods that didn(')t need to be cooked " missing apostrophe again.

"what to do with myself by tomoro" tomorrow
I was wondering if these mistakes were typos or errors? But a spell-checker would catch either of those.

Some awkward sentences/run-on sentences:
"My heavy breathing came out in puffs of steam in the cool night air" 'My breathing was laboured and the puffs of vapour hung heavy in the cool night air." The image is stronger this way and the meaning is clear.

"I looked back to see that I went unseen" I looked back to check that I had not been seen.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Loving Grace  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Rixfarmgirl , I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I always like to find meaning in names, a friend on-site is named something that means 'grace', and she is full of grace! Her chosen user name is a delicious paradox that underlines the depth of her many wonderful qualities. Your user-name too immediately appealed for its proud proclamation of origin. I wish I knew your 'real name. BTW what are 'guienas'? Iguanas? Guinea-hens? I'm going to be letting my imagination run riot! Tell me - put me out my misery!

*Flower5* The Title: It is a prayer without doubt, one that I will copy and print to look at each day. It deserves a title that says something more - or are you satisfied thus? I rather thought "loving Grace" was more the mot juste!

*Flower5* Rhyming: Ah, mono-rhyme. I haven't seen this around for a long time. If it had that one line of internal rhyme it wold qualify as Monotetra. This was done with deceptive ease. I notice that the second verse has rather unusual rhyming word choices, but perhaps the meaning you wanted you present restricted the choice of words.

*Flower5* Meter: Lovely, you got this one too. I am always pleased to see that extra effort to adhere to stated form. Pentameter certainly. I am not going into the stressed/unstressed syllable pattern counting to determine if you achieved iambic or not. If you did, my hats swept off to you in a low bow of admiration. Even other wise I salute you.

*Flower5* Grammar:I see you eschew punctuation altogether. I suppose that's a valid choice. I like the placing of deft commas in some lines and breathless lack in others to highlight a poem. I thought one sentence in particular needed a comma: "We confess our sins we know you'll erase" Don't you feel a comma after 'sins' is required? Or else 'We confess our sins knowing you'll erase' The syllable count is unaltered - unless it was iambic? *Blush*

*Flower5* Poetry Form: Quatrains? Beyond that I do not know. It is two lines or one couplet short of sonnet - hmmm, I give up!

*Flower5* Poem as a whole: Inspiring and and comforting.

*Flower5* Remarks: You get a fervent *Thumbsup**Check2*

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Home and Garden  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello D Field - welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit in which it is offered.


*Flower5* The Title: I do know that this had a flavour of one my favourite magazines, I just love the beautiful images in that one. My home is quite removed from those elegant edifices and lush parks and although I would never want to trade, I still drool over perfect carpets of green dotted with perfect geometric equations of floral borders, stately declarations of prosperity on polished mirrors of flooring. I was pleasantly surprised by the tone of the story, but how did the one relate to the other? Which was the figurative home and what has the garden to do with the medical dilemma?Or am I being terribly dense? *Blush*

*Flower5* The Beginning: I liked the beginning, except for the clue about the long relationship one might have imagined another type of loss. Excellent description seeing himself through the eyes of a passer-by. I think the initial emotional setting was done in exemplary manner.

*Flower5* The Setting: The various scenes were all well set - the bus-stop, the ride itself, the hospital and the emotions waxing and waning through it all. Since your descriptions were so detailed it highlighted your use of adverbs. Now, I do not eschew or abhor their use; I am now seeing what a kind friend pointed out to me long back. Their constant usage weakens the act of 'showing'. "pointed blankly toward a waiting area where many more lolled listlessly," It could become: "She pointed with an indifferent finger towards a waiting area. Various forms were draped across the couches, some lolled against the cushioned backs, others were perusing pages of magazines with listless gaze." Whatever you wish - I merely try to demonstrate how changing the form of the word can add to the compelling image within.


*Flower5* The Characters: THe characters are described more by their interplay and emotion than any actual description. Yet a note or two could be slipped in without diluting the emotions. Maybe the hand that squeezed had fingers that were still slim, although knobbly from arthritis. Maybe the eyes that held pity were brown with the grey rim of aging eyes? Whatever detail you care to add, it is easy enough to give an outline for us build upon, aided by our imagination.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I felt this was good, but it was at times trying too hard. For example: "where a revolving mass of anxiety and nausea curdled incessantly" It has already passed through him in electrical waves, now it curdles in a mixed metaphor. Curdling can be instant - but incessant as in 'unending'? Not an image that one would term apt. Or "He rose ghost-like from the chair" How does a ghost rise from a chair? For locomotion it might be apt - to glide or move in a silent manner - but for rising? I don't know, this was one more image that did not 'work' for me. Both stand out only because the rest of your description is vivid and full of imagery.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: A tale that was about an almost non-hero, with tender touches.

*Flower5* What I liked: A story that had the complete package: Problem-Conflict-Resolution. My fave ending - a happy one. Then too, the characters were all 'real' and likable. The description was good and the grammar and spelling was correct for the most part. What's not to like? It fell just short of a 5.0 star rating, but only by a whisker.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just a couple:

"The spring of the soft mossy grass beneath his feet abetted by the sense of the warm summer sun on his face instigated it."
I thought a slight re-arrangement of phrases clarify the emotion better. "The spring of the soft mossy grass beneath his feet instigated it, abetted by the sense of the warm summer sun on his face ." Otherwise the actions seem to be split by the second phrase.

" particular given that you were completely unaware of the presence" I think it should be 'particularly'.

"The tone was compassionate, yet brisk, borne and honed by countless conversations of this very nature." Do you mean 'born'?

At the very end may I suggest - "Back to Home and Garden" might make better sense as a title?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.


*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Not Forgotten  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello CursedFreedom , I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

Your user name and handle evoked a felling a loss and intense sorrow. I am sorry for the troubles that may have led to this outlook and pray that you find solace. If this site has brought you any balm for a troubled soul - I expect to see a more hopeful 'handle' some day.

*Flower3* The Title: The title is short and yet lucid. It echoes what one often reads on headstones - "Here lies xyz - remembered by abc". "Not Forgotten' is a deft way to underline that sentiment.

*Flower3* Rhyming: Quatrains are perhaps the most common forms used in poetry, they lend themselves to an infinite variety of rhyming schemes. From the plain abcb (your choice) to the more complex Swap Quatrain or Mirrored Rhyme, or even the Envelope Couplet - each is attractive and pleasing to the eye. Some of your choices of rhyming pair are bold and unusual (thereof and love, passed and last) some are tame and mundane (lies and eyes, free and me).

*Flower3* Meter: Poetry is just a pleasing arrangement of prose, adding devices like rhyme or rhythm are enhancements of its beauty, props to its edifice and structure. One may or may not use any, you choose to omit meter. A perfectly valid choice. I felt though that it was not impossible to achieve - even without changing the meaning.

For example - this stanza:
"Days diminish to nightfall
Before I ever knew what passed.
Anything that is dependable
Will never stand to last." The lines are 7-8-8-6 in syllable count. This could easily become 7-8-8-7 or 6-8-8-6 with a little change: Either shorten line1 thus: 'Days diminish to night' (not very different in meaning and the change in last syllable is not important because it is not part of the rhyming pair in the verse),
or
lengthen the last line to:'It will never stand to last' (Here the last syllable is part of a rhyming pair, hence it is left unchanged. One short word is added in the beginning where it does not matter.) I do not say meter must be added, just that it could be added if you please.

*Flower3* Grammar: You use punctuation - but some places are without either comma or period. I would suggest you lay out each verse in one continuous line and and punctuate as you would prose. Then break it up into the lines of the verse with that punctuation in place.

*Flower3* Poetry Form: Simple Quatrains with alternating rhyme. Pleasing effect.

*Flower3* Poem as a whole:Some of the verses made me confused, then the end showed me why the emptiness, why the feeling of being trapped, of being bereft of love. If that confusion or lack of clarity was deliberate intention then it is fine. Otherwise a little re-wording or re-telling might be in order. Especially why the 'other people' (who are distinctly lacking in sympathy when they ...) 'stare down' at you.

*Flower3* Remarks: I saw that this was a tribute - a heartfelt and moving one too. You deserve a fervent *Thumbsup**Check2* for the emotions you were able to arouse in these lines. The sorrow, the frustration, the emptiness, the loss - all these come through with forceful impact.

Jyo


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