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Review Requests: ON
2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
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Review of What's The Point  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello firefly1252 - welcome to Mad Mod Reviews. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: Ace! I would add either a query mark or an exclamation mark at the end, myself. But, it's your baby, dress it how you please!

*Flower5* The Beginning: I just loved the way this easy chatty piece flowed. If this is how you write when depressed, I would love to read one of your pieces written in an enthusiastic moment. Great work.

*Flower5* The Setting: I so totally 'got' it, a rare thing for me. Probably due to the fact that my neurons demand caffeine that I have given up on the advice of my physician! I am never at my best in the morning and only get worse as the day progresses. I have brief lucid moments before bed-time! Now, you are wondering if my understanding is a good thing or not? Figure it out!

*Flower5* The Characters: Everything in this deft bit has character - from the radio, which has been 'singing golden oldies to itself'; to 'Google with its cute little drawings'.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Superb! I could imagine it all happening, in fact it probably has. My hat is doffed to you! *Scrabbles around on seat* Or it would be if I had it on!

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Aren't you getting tired of it? *Laugh* But, who gets tired of hearing they are appreciated? Your story really gave me a laugh to last the week-end!

*Flower5* What I liked: The answer came from within all right! The ending was a great resolution too, I hope you kept it?

*Flower5* Suggestions: Nary a one. Loved the double line spacing - it gave the pause between different thoughts and actions.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Introductory  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Ms Jules - welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I see you are new only to WDC, you are an old war-horse when it comes to writing!

*Flower5* The Item: I have this 'thing' about not leaving anything labeled 'other'; such a lazy description - no? Your intro says to consider this a Prologue to a book, and may it soon become so! So why not call it 'Preface'? Or even 'Draft'?

*Flower5* The Style: Breezy and assured. It was a pleasure to meet you and your reasons for writing.

*Flower5* What I liked: The chatty informal style, the desription of the 'First person narrative' in your own terms!


*Flower5* Suggestions: I think parenthetically too - I'm just not so good with the darn commas, they never behave for me! I hope we can see more of what you intend to publish, I'm sure to come back to read more.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Oldwarrior _welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

Well it looks like the old warrior will have many more tales in his war-pouch. I'm settling down for a browse.
*Flower5* The Title: What a delicious title, it is a basic philosophy of life all pithily summed up in one line. Deft job!

*Flower5* The Beginning: Good job with the little introductory flash-back. 'walloped me hard inside the noggin' is very apt. It speaks of something from within giving you a sharp reminder.

*Flower5* The Setting: Also well done. Except - 'majestic but unforgivable mountains' - that phrase was the only one that gave me a hiccup. Did you mean 'unforgiving'?

*Flower5* The Characters: The western accent appears and disappears but it is a charming put-on.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I loved the description of teen hunger. The POV of the past was fixed at teens, what is it in the present? How come a married adult has a paper route? (He hasn't told his wife "I love you')For that is the start of the whole tale - the paper route and the epiphany.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Good, I love stories with a moral.

*Flower5* What I liked: The tale meandering from past lesson to its application in all facets of life.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
A couple of points where edits might be required:
"This advice subsequently overflowed into my ever day life" 'everyday'.

"when we stop for a rest break or for muhchies," 'munchies'?

"Now, I talk to God every morning and might near throughout the day" 'right through the day'?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of The City Of Leon  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Rampaige _welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

Are you gonna be going on a rampage? Or are you a ram, nay - a page? The number too intrigues, is that your birthday? No, maybe some significant day this year? Sorry - nosy me! *Blush*

*Flower5* The Title: A good title that suggeted a fantasy tale, not this short note to oneself.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Your intro could have been used to 'flesh out the letter. For a note to remind and rewind memory it was very brief. Think of the effort shown in that Adam Sandler movie - what was it, ah yes - "Fifty first dates"!

*Flower5* The Setting: I could not visualise the city at all, although it seems on the face of it an attractive place.

*Flower5* The Characters: A bit confusing how you can remind yourself when you have 'forgotten'. You could write yourself a note in case you ever forget, and let yourself 'find' that note, but a lot more 'setting' would be required there.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: just not enough, the bare bones only and skeletal things are rarely attractive.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It has rpomise that is waiting to be fleshed out.

*Flower5* What I liked: Unusual central idea, needs to be developed further before it can be really worthy of applause.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
There is a repeated misuse of 'its'. When used as possessive term 'its' is fine, when used as a contraction for 'it is', it's is the correct form. "Its a bright City" & why the capitalisation of 'city'?

Similarly in:
"that advertise whats there a" 'what's'

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Just Let Go  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello wordnerd _welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered. Your user name interested one into looking into your port - a good alliterative rhyme.


*Flower5* The Title: A good title, evocative, and promising to have a poignant piece waiting for the read.

*Flower5* The Beginning: A powerful beginning with some stark images. I just wondered a bit at one line, I'll get to it in my suggestions below.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting was well done, the repeated use of the words 'red' and blue plastic' and creamy skin' jarred at first. Then the repeated images, slightly changed each time, made a bizarre sense later; of a vision clouded by a deep pain that focused on one thing over and over.

*Flower5* The Characters: The main character is described in great detail, the narrator only by her grief. Yet, it worked.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The things one sees when the mind is trying to come to terms with tragedy, it could something as unreal as the doorknob in its shiny silver smooth perfection.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Powerful and gripping.

*Flower5* What I liked: The sudden surge of hope at the end.

*Flower5* Suggestions: I think it would benefit from being formated into paras, with one line spacing in between, maybe a first line indent too. Just a couple of other points:

"The tile under her slippered feet was hard and utterly discomforting" Do you mean uncomfortable or disconcerting? I was a bit puzzled there.

"The words rang deftly in her ears, vibrating and echoing painfully" i did not think deftly was the mot juste here. "Dully" might work, or just 'clanged' instead of 'rang with an adverb to follow.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1284499 Unavailable **
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Review of A Childs Prayer  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Angelgurl - welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

Nice to know you Angel Gurl, and after a month of Dark and Scary offerings it was like after-dinner mints (a spicy and hot dinner!) to find this delicate and poignant heart-tugging poem. Thank you for the read!

*Flower5* The Title: The title was simple and a statement of what lay within. It echoed the simplicity that lay in wait for us.

*Flower5* The Rhyme and Pattern: I thought I had seen enough quatrains to last me a lifetime, but this one was neat and the one line spacing between individual lines made it seem like the disjointed way a child deeply affected by emotion might speak. I liked it. the Rhyme is simple, abcb, and at times uses assonance to good effect. (Like in the use of 'Mom/long' as rhyming pair.)

*Flower5* The Mood: Aw, just perfect, I could see those clasped hands, the little bowed head exposing that kissable neck, the little tendrils that curled and caressed the cheeks. Yet, you used simple words - it allowed us to let our hearts do the seeing.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Exemplary. It needs no other embellishment, it speaks of what it set out to say and stops before becoming maudlin.

*Flower5* What I liked: The child is apologetic about being sad. Shows a mature realization, yet she reverts to child again. Very 'real'.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Is the word 'rosy' also spelled as 'rosey' to speak of something as being like a rose, perhaps? If so, fine. Otherwise, you might want to change the spelling. Otherwise impeccable and a great read!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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407
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello pos.? - welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

First let me get onto my soap-box. Do not leave the choices for 'Item Type" and "genre" blank. They are meant to classify your item and allow a potential reader to judge whether it will be of interest or not. Free Verse is 'Poetry', using that would free your 'Title' for that lovely first word used inside - 'Focus', an apt title.

*Flower5* The Title: I love imagery, and your intro just reeled me in. The title could be more evocative, to reflect what lies within, think it over.

*Flower5* The Mood: This seems to have two parts, each with a one-line setting word or phrase. "focus" for the first, "Small marble palace" for the second. I found the first to be almost like the thoughts of some superior power controlling our lives. The second was a profound question, one that came from within. I do not know what you intended, this is what I got.

*Flower5* The Item as a Whole: Interesting and arresting. It made me think, I guess that is part of what you wanted.

*Flower5* What I liked: Two profound lines caught my attention:
"I create endless waters
To watch you swim for years"

*Flower5* Suggestions: "Small marble palace" seemed like oxymoron to me - how can anything that's as ostentatious as a palace be 'small'? But, I realised that was probably a deliberate placement -was it?

I came away with a feeling of wonder and some buzzing questions. Good work.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Clouds  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Zach Herrmann & welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the spirit in which it is given.


*Flower5* The Item/Genre/Rating Choices: Gosh, you newbies are getting smarter by the day! It took me a lot of blundering before I had these right. I can see you are not going to need much hand-holding to find your way about the site.

*Flower5* The Title: A bare-bones kind of title. The really great poets did it too, but I prefer a title to attract the attention and promise what lies within.

*Flower5* The Rhyme: It is there, no wait it isn't, halt - it is. I had a kind of double-take on this one. Is it rhyming or not? The first verse is aabcc, the second is aabcb The ending couplet has assonance.

*Flower5* The Meter: I am not even going to count. This is one device you have eschewed. In a way this is wise, the free form of the verse underlines that of the clouds.

*Flower5* The Mood: I loved the profound thoughts in the first verse, in contrast the second seemed to be going around in circles, never getting off the ground. It kept reiterating the same 'formless form' premise.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: There were no flights of imagery, but the simple descriptions worked to show the deeper thoughts within.

*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: I'd suggest taking a look at that second verse. Think about exactly what you wish to convey and put it down without repeating words. That works only if it a deliberate refrain.

*Flower5* What I liked: The fact that you talked of the differing nature of clouds. I though of a few other things they did, but it is your poem.

*Flower5* Suggestions: It shows a nugget of real talent in there, just some careful mining required to let it shine through! Write On!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Saraswati - welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: The only bit that actually disappointed. Of course you will think of a better title in later days and the title of the main piece is enough to intrigue. The title is of the main piece, is it not? Or am I confused?

*Flower5* The Beginning: Deft and full of action, the mood was created in the blink of an eye.

*Flower5* The Setting: As I oft say, if the beginning is right, the setting and characters will fall into place. The party scene was well set out. The state of mind, which was the secondary setting, was well done too.

*Flower5* The Characters: You introduce each of the characters neatly in reminiscent mood. The POV of a young, soon-to-be adult is well chosen, deft touch.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Some parts are excellent, the sibling affection is brought out and highlighted. There is also wry humour in there.
"As I watch him now, he's flailing his limbs all over the show, really breaking it down... Any dancing is better than no dancing, and I don't think he cares about anything else right now.."

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I see that it is a prologue, I look forward to going on with this riveting story.

*Flower5* What I liked: Insightful and yet refreshing, emotional and yet leavened by humour.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just a few, feel free to ignore any or all of them.

"I migrate to the dance floor in a hoard with all my friends" your language is impeccable, so this must be a typo? 'Horde' one would think, not 'hoard'.

There was one really long sentence. I read somewhere that after eight words, the mind tires of reading. It is better to break it up into shorter bits. I quote but a part of that sentence, where error might have leaped to your own attention if shorter:
"we spent many weekends together, round eachother's houses playing computer games" "each other's"

" He's looking particularly joyous tonight but, as a strict Christian, this can't be down to alcohol because he doesn't drink. " I thought that first comma should have come after 'tonight'. I also think you mean 'can't be put down to alcohol'. Lastly do Christians not drink - strict or otherwise?

"wellwishers" I think that should be either hyphenated or two words.

"It's time the tale were told" it sounds fine and old English-y, but some grammar police inside my head kept screaming 'was' - 'was'! Sorry! *Blush*

You have chosen your pen-name wisely, May the Goddess always shower her Blessings upon you!
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Robin:TheRhymeMaven - welcome to Trick-or-Treat. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

This is the second or reserve round of T-o-T and congrats for amking it to the list of reviewees.

*Flower5* The Title: I liked this right off, after umpteen pumpkins and ghouls and Witches and lost souls this was a pleasure to see! It promised to spin an unusual tale, while keeping to the seasonal 'Scary'. Good job.

*Flower5* The Rhyming Pattern: I love you for not writing a quatrain based poem. Would you believe that quatrains were until recently my favourite choice for a poem? They are so versatile too, lending themselves to a variety of rhyming patterns. But of 20 reviews I did last, all of them were - you guessed it! - quatrains. The appetite was rather jaded and this offering has refreshed the palate. Lovely - six lines aabaab. Not too easy to accomplish! I thought most were good examples of direct rhyme except perhaps for the choice of 'bit/crypt' as rhyming pair.

*Flower5* The Rhythm or Meter: I did not need to count syllables to know no metric pattern existed - the lines were very uneven in length. Of course, your choosing to center the poem makes this less displeasing to the eye. Yet it was almost there - most of the shorter 'a' rhyme lines were 7 syllabic and the longer 'b' rhyme ones were 10 -12 syllables, mostly 11. So this could have been an impeccable 7-7-11-7-7-11!

*Flower5* The Mood: It had shades of both Dark and Light, the talk of shady dealings and money offsetting the setting in the graveyard surrounded by blood guzzling creatures. I thought it was effective in contrasting these two.

*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: I enjoyed the novelty and contrast.

*Flower5* What I liked: The horror of these simple lines:
"" God! He bounced me on his knee!
Now they say he was the Devil’s greatest fan…

*Flower5* Suggestions: I have none to offer, I enjoyed it far too much to go back and dissect the piece. Sorry!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Roses  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Saul - welcome to WDC and to Trick-or-treat!. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I am strolling the alleys and by-ways looking for seasonal material and your was high on the list of must-reads. It is good to see talent shining clear here!

*Flower5* The Title: I love this, The incongruous attracts attention, like this offering of roses in a sea of white lilies. I have come to the point where pumpkins and ghouls and witches don't make that eyebrow wiggle one millimeter. Your Roses had me sitting up and taking notice straight off. *Check2*

*Flower5* The Beginning: Use the senses to full effect, it is the scent and not the sight of roses that is your leit motif. Marvelous. *Check2*

*Flower5* The Setting: Since I am applauding the unusual I do not see much wrong with the use of the normal world as major setting with just a little askew and out of place to make one wary. Then a little sorrow is passed over until the repeated warning at the end. Another *Check2*

*Flower5* The Characters: Hmmm - these were a lot, four well developed characters. But they are all essential to the story and you have enough words to give a clear picture of all so I would continue to give you a *Check2*

*Flower5* The Descriptions: This was the weakest link. I thought you could have strengthened this a little. For e.g.:
"He placed the box near the others of similar nature, and turned, happy his chore was over" See ... just bland statement. "He struggled to set that last carton upon the precarious pile he had already made. Happy that he had cleaned up his room as promised, he creaked his way upstairs." Just a suggestion, you won't be turned into a toad if you don't.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I liked, I liked. It was chilling at the end.

*Flower5* What I liked: The mood swings, they were almost Hitchcock-esque!

*Flower5* Suggestions:
A couple of confusing sentence constructions or word usage:

"He didn’t know it as he walked down the creaking steps that led into the cellar, lugging the box of toys he’d the initiative to replace for his mother." This cold just as well be two sentences - two very different actions. 'He'd' expands to "he had" so does that make sense now - 'that he had initiative'? Should it not be "he had had" or "he'd had"? To replace? The toys were in the cellar before - he was replacing them?

"She resisted from answering it." Either 'refrained from' or 'resisted'. This becomes a tautology.

" Isabel spent a moment waiting for sleep to take her" This is almost OK, but the more commonly used form is for 'sleep to overtake'.

There are other places, but you will get 'em all on a good read over. I do not want to make you think I'm picky. I really liked this read.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello ShiShad _welcome to Trick-or-Treat. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

So we're all off T-o-Tting up WDC's back alleys, in search of likely pieces to amuse us. If we are deliciously scared fine, otherwise we go off and search some more. There is no virtual soaping of windows done - and we're really not picky! Coming ahead with us?


*Flower5* The Title: Ooh, good one! The Hallows could be place (JKR's last offering)or the seasonal time, and Phantom sets the mood instantly. One Clop-clop of applause right there, friend!

*Flower5* Rhyming: Nooooooooo! Not another set of quatrains! They will have me in a ball and chains yet, if I have to read any more of these! Would you believe that like nearly 45.253 others on WDC, These four line verses were my favourite line arrangements for poetry. Until today that is. For the future I will write five line limericks and cinquains and tercets too! God have mercy upon bored reviewers! But it is not your fault that I have waded though a sea of these! The natural cadence of the pattern lends itself to your clop-clop. Nice rhyme choice abab(also one of the most popular)Your rhymes are all direct and neat except for the minor blink I had at 'horse/course'; in my lexicon one had a slightly longer vowel sound than the other. No biggie though!

*Flower5* Meter: The first verse just accidentally achieved 7-9-7-9; so I just bowed my head in awe! Mood, Rhyme, and Rhythm too! But, no - Yay! *Bigsmile* you're just as "Yuman" as the rest of us! The second verse was nowhere as metric! I have seen these seasoned poets who could chew up my efforts and spit 'em out corrected, all in the blink of an eye. They write Sestinas and garland poetry and Ballads and Odes, and get the stresses of iambic and anapestic meter perfect. (One Guy who who normally writes marvels of Dark fiction tossed out one of those, and when I complimented his artistry - he said he was just 'trying' his hand' at something he didn't know! Hmmph! Some people get all the brains and I have to make do with the quarter teaspoonful that fell to my lot!) prostrate myself before their genius, but it is nice to meet some regular guys too! You poem has a natural rhythm though that is very pleasing!

*Flower5* Grammar: I saw you! You used a comma, and a hyphen! Ah, that marks you as one seasoned in punctuation. But why are the ending lines of verses not marked with a period then? Some other places where a comma might have been used but isn't - that had me bewildered! Or, are your commas bewitched too? I put mine in, and bind 'em with glue, I do. But they get up and walk away, I swear! *Hangs head in shame* It's OK, the judges never believe me either!
"Now masqueraded they run shrieking
Unable to hide their betrayal" I'd have bunged a comma in there somewhere and hoped for the best!

*Flower5* Poetry Form: Any specific form here, and do not say "Quatrain" unless you want a spell cast upon you!

*Flower5* Poem as a whole: I liked this lurid little tale! "No need to panic folks, he's not after the living! Ooops, unless he kills you first, Runnnnn!" There was little logic to it, for instance - one does not seek greed, it is greed that makes one seek. But, heck, who's looking for logic, here?

*Flower5* Remarks: For just the mood you created and the great sound effects, you get a BIG *Thumbsup**Check2*

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Where Evil Dwells  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello SHERRI GIBSON - welcome to Trick-or-Treat. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

My heart curdles with witchy anticipation - you are a writer with a powerful reputation for imagery in poetry.

*Flower5* The Title: It had shades of memory in it - I knew I had heard that phrase somewhere before and that heightened my anticipation. Creepy and yet different. Good job.

*Flower5* The Rhyme: I think those who are out on the Public Reviewing pages know this part of my spiel off by rote! The most popular form of poetry on site is quatrains and it makes a visually pleasing arrangement too. It can be centered or left aligned; it lends itself to a variety of rhyming patterns. aabb abab abcb abba abcb aaab aaaa - should I go on? You chose aabb; the second most popular form, the first is abab. with abcb running a close third. (I do a lot of reviewing and I have a lot of time on my hands!) Except for a little blink at 'dwells' to rhyme with 'tales', the rest was direct rhyme all the way.

*Flower5* The Meter or Rhythm: Not going with meter is a legitimate choice, but cadence can be achieved without. The natural rhythm that occurs when a poem is read out aloud? Here for instance, the first verse had it, but it was broken up in the second by the use of the polysyllabic 'pretentious'. Would not some shorter synonym have done there?

*Flower5* The Devices: There is an almost refrain, the words 'where evil dwells' echo somewhere in each verse. it was an effective underlining of the message

*Flower5* The Mood: I wasn't quite sure whether you meant to go for "Scary" or "Children's" - genre wise. It was sorta half 'n' half.

*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: Creepy worked but parts were too simplistic too jell.
For example: The repeated 'Where Evil Dwell" is imagery and creates an atmosphere of dark - and obviously - evil!
"You've been warned, take it from me," To continue the feeling of witches and cauldrons it could be less simplistic. Like "This dire warning - three times three' or "Dire warning message - it cometh to thee". It is a matter of continuing in the same vein.

*Flower5* What I liked: One line stood out for chilling effect
"I've seen the place where evil dwells" I rather expected it to be revealed as my own heart!

*Flower5* Suggestions: You can just ignore everything already said, 'tis the babbling of a mere witch, and you know we are not reputed to be kind. To be effective though, reviews cannot afford to be politically correct - so forgive me instead.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Halloween  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello tracey blanchard - welcome to Trick-or-Treat. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

Well, this is an article, very different from the other treats I have been given today. Rather like being given Seven Grain Cookies with Added Iron. Good for the blood corpuscles no doubt, but what about the taste buds choking on the fiber? Umm-thiz agchewly good! No soaping your windows then!


*Flower5* The Title: This was a bit bland and chewy, some raisins or choco-chips might improve the flavour. I mean how about adding a bit of local colour - " Halloween Through the Ages and Across the Lands"

*Flower5* The Beginning: Isn't it Jason Voorhees? Google straightened me out on that one, I claim no expertise, the names were a googly to me! ( I'm captain of Witch-Cricket - NOT Which Cricket - forget it! Uh - It's a type of baseball played in Commonwealth Nations!) As I was saying, that avalanche of information sans explanation was a bit too much to swallow. Got any lemonade, then? Please remember this is an attempt to make things known to people, take time and words to do it.

*Flower5* The Information: Varied and interesting. The research was obviously exhaustive. Yet it was presented as bare facts, no leaven of humour, no sprinkling of trivia.

*Flower5* The Item as a Whole: Complex Carbohydrates are required in any well balanced diet, but they can be made less starchy! Try for some little touch to put your own stamp upon the facts.

*Flower5* What I liked: The barrage of information. It will be useful if I want to entertain people at my Cobweb 'n' Spider Theme Party. Of course you are invited my dear! Come in costume! Plenty of grub and the grog will flow like swamp-water.

*Flower5* Suggestions:

Some tense confusion:
"The Druids celebrated this day by building large bonfires and sacrificing and burning crops, etc. they had worn costumes " Why 'they had worn'; why not 'they wore'? After all it is not 'they had celebrated'.

Spacing confusion:
"This is a night even for adults to dress up and act as silly as their children.*Check2*I do every year " a space needed after the period at the check mark.

Some typing confusion:
"Iti s also for those parents" 'It is'.

Some other confusion:
"It is said in the early 19th century, that with the new immigrants who came to America, so were new traditions." Say instead ' with the immigrants who arrived in America came new customs.' Immigrants always arrive 'new' in a country, and traditions are 'old' by definition; this way you get rid of the tautology and the oxymoron. Unless you are using them deliberately?

As a witch I find some modern spells extraordinarily useful - try Spell-check to avoid most confusion. It does skip over 'there/their' and 'wither/either' type of mistakes but would have caught three of four above.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of BEWITCHED  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello COUNTRYMOM-JUST REMEMBER ME - welcome to Trick-or-Treat. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I love your user name, it speaks of fresh hay and bucolic afternoon, the chirping of crickets and the smell of a freshly baked apple pie! It would have me doing the heebie-jeebies if I lived there, but just images evoke very pleasant sensations! It's asphalt and exhaust that enrich the blood for this witch!

*Flower5* The Title: Seasonal and short. It could go in any number of ways - so that's all to the good so far.

*Flower5* Rhyming: Quatrains can have a variety of rhymes, none more familiar than this aabb pattern. You could also have abab, or abcb, or abac, or aaaa or abba! Each is difficult enough, although they seem easy from afar. You have one example of assonance which is rather easy on the ear - the first line pair 'been/winds'. The word 'been' is pronounced differently in different parts of the world, it even becomes 'bin' in parts of US of A! I'm not quibbling, although, where I come from it has a longer vowel sound than wind!

*Flower5* Meter: I though you had 'done' it. The first two lines were 10-10! Then came two of 9-9, then the whole thing went askew! Still, it is your choice whether or not to adhere to this rhythm.

*Flower5* Grammar: The requirements in rhyme/poetry are not as stringent as those in prose; there are those who use neither comma not period in poetry. I see you choose to use punctuation. My trick is to lay out the lines as one continuous piece - then add punctuation to fit. Then revert to the lines according to the rhyme requirement by the canny use of the 'Enter' key! I found the repeated use of the exclamation mark a bit wearying. It can't be in alt all that much without giving one a headache!

*Flower5* Poetry Form: Four quatrains - beyond that I saw no particular form. Correct me if I am wrong.

*Flower5* Poem as a whole: It does have a nice 'ring' to the whole, but there are a lot of spooky efforts floating around this time of the year and I saw nothing that made me think it was a cut above the rest. 'Twas good, just not exemplary.

*Flower5* Remarks/Suggestions: There were some repetitions, I am not sure if deliberate or not -

The word howling occurs thrice, twice in combination with 'winds'. Then 'terror' occurs twice, and 'black cats', so does 'bewitched'. The last is understandable, given the title. The rhyming pair 'night/delight' repeats. Are all these intentional, to create a kind of refrain or pattern of images?

However, just for the mood created you get a firm *Thumbsup**Check2*

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Colin Back on the Ghost Roads _welcome to Trick-or-Treat. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


*Flower5* The Title: You say what you mean and mean what you say. A bit bland but effective anyway.

*Flower5* The Content: This was posted more than a while ago, I would suggest updating the tips. How about gloves that are blown up (lung-power is sufficient) and painted with luminescent paint? What about placing all lights at floor level (suitably cordoned off from accidents) to give even familiar faces the ghastly effect of 'under-lighting'. How about A CD with your own rendering of Ghostly sounds playing by remote or at pre-determined intervals? Hide the player!

*Flower5* The Item as a Whole: You have a FOLDER full of these? Puh-lease, you must at be at least five hundred years old or a goverment servant. The only two categories of people who are sure they are qualified to hand out advice (LOL - Just kidding, we witches ain't bad in that department either! Heh-heh!)

*Flower5* What I liked: You are a kind soul and have a number of helpful tips. A poll or In-and-Out along the same lines would help update your really cool "How-to" piece!

*Flower5* Suggestions:

I quite thought you were one of us, then you go and dress up your house with these cheap substitutes! I'll drop off as many real spiders and bats as you want, just keep out a few saucers of milk or chopped liver and all the familiars will troop around too- toads and cats galore! Cobwebs are easy - just don't dust for a coupla weeks! Watch out - we're coming down and ringing your bell : TRICK OR TRRRRRREAT?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of A Journey To Love  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Simply Positive reviews this October 2008
I had to take a refresher and come back to this one, long poems and ballads are not my forte.

*Flower5* The Title: This was perfectly apt, had imagery and something beyond the actual meaning. I liked it.

*Flower5* Rhyming: Couplets are a natural for aa rhyme scheme, it's hard to imagine any other. You have this done well, no bloopers.

*Flower5* Meter: I thought there was an attempt at meter the first three couplets were 10-9 or thereabouts, then it goes markedly awry later. No biggie, not to add meter is a legitimate call that can be taken by the poet.

*Flower5* Grammar: Wow, you really know where the commas go! I struggle even in prose - so I admire this. Just one question I thought 'sap' was always new ( love is nature's old sap) except when are describing a person of poor mental capacity. *Bigsmile*

*Flower5* Poetry Form: Is this a specific form? Nice arrangement anyway!

*Flower5* Poem as a whole: I had to take another look before I could comment. This has layers of meaning in it. I liked it better on second read.

*Flower5* Remarks:
"His promised kingdom, I watched it amazed,
In view of miracles, I stood there dazed." I liked these lines but I would think the words 'in sight of miracles' would work better, it you mean if you mean that you were looking at something. IF you mean 'in view' as taking something into account, then the first works better.

You take it to an effective crescendo and end; for that a big *Thumbsup**Check2*

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

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Review of Abby  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Shannon Anderson -welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: Considering that this is a powerful story, the simple title works well. Yet, something more inspired could easily be thought out.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Good beginning - the contrasting scenes and moods were well evoked. For such a short piece though, the beginning was lengthy. I mean that it took us to nearly the end to get a sense of the 'Problem' let alone Conflict and Resolution.

*Flower5* The Setting: The theme has been dealt with endless times before, so the setting had to be good. It was.

*Flower5* The Characters: We got a sense of all the characters. It might have been more effective to have fewer of them, but since the story was of the family unit, it did not jar too much to have all of them there.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Well done. Nothing that stood out as vivid word-painting, but it was adequate and did the job.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: A heart-tugging tale of bereavement.

*Flower5* What I liked: It has been done before, but it still tugs at the emotive centers, no questioning that.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
Just a couple of points:
"How do I say this? The woman thought. She sat for a few moments while the woman collected her thoughts. " I think 'Abby sat for a few moments', makes it clearer.

And should 'mom' and 'dad' not be capitalized? The terms mother and father might not be, but that's what she calls them, they become proper nouns. No?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Give Me a Reason  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello _welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


*Flower5* I like the innovative separators, the *Heart* *Heart* *Heart*!

*Flower5* I liked the series of questions becoming an array of poetry.

*Flower5* I liked the inevitable balance and the echo, the final realisation that you might have moved on but if given enough reason or encouragement, you will return.

*Flower5* I would not say this was exemplary, but it stood out and drew attention to itself. Unusual and pleasing. Bravo.

Jyo


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Lakeview  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

*Flower5* The Title: The title is simple and yet profound. Beautiful.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Keep the first sentence by itself. Stark and bare. Then begin the second para with all the description as rich and poignant contrast.

*Flower5* The Setting: The lake-side and the reminiscent mood are both well re-created.

*Flower5* The Characters: Maybe the characters are deliberately kept in the shadows, this is about feeling not persons.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Good in part, but it would benefit from having shorter sentences. I read somewhere that the golden maximum is eight words! I am not that rigid, but each of your sentences would make a para if you split it up into shorter ones.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: A heart-felt tribute. Your intro says it all.

*Flower5* What I liked: You created the mood perfectly.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"The clear blue water and the old, withered tire swing that hung from an old oak that towered over the lake, like a protective guardian was a constant reminder of what I had and what I lost"

The tree could be 'withered', the tire should be 'weathered'. No? Hmm..a swing that hung, how apt! Can't it dangle or sway? Then we have the 'oak towering like a protective guardian' in that same, by now, over-burdened sentence! Then the sense of having wandered a bit as the subjective phrase gets lost! what reminded you of your loss? the tire-swing, the tree, the lake? Sorry, but this sentence exemplifies what I said about long sentences. *Bigsmile*

"We were young, and I was in love, to simply put it" 'to put it simply' is the more common usage.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and i will be reviewing this bit of your soul for member-to-Member reviews for October. It a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit.

You call this a Short Story by your item choice, hence I am using that template for the review. However I feel that even if fictional it reads like an experience and is not a classic story (Problem-Conflict-Resolution)- it might better be classed as 'Fiction'.

*Flower5* The Title: Great title, unusual and promises a slice of nature.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Some good narrative. It read like a journal entry and rang true.

*Flower5* The Setting: The picture was a 'plus', but even without, the words drew a vivid picture.

*Flower5* The Characters: The kids were all jumbled together at first, then each became separate from the rest by action or reaction.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The scenery was described in more detail, but the love for family shone through.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: A nice tale with a small lesson within and no happy resolution, like real life!

*Flower5* What I liked: The way it 'rang true'.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Nary a one!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, My name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I will be reviewing your piece for October Member-to-Member reviews. This is a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: A good title, the kind that introduces one of the main characters or incidents and tells a little about the scene of action - in this case a Big Game!

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning was good, we got the picture immediately.

*Flower5* The Setting: Well done, this was a great job of scene setting, be it the game, the club, the group around the empty fireplace, or the poker game. Each scene was brought to life in front of our eyes.

*Flower5* The Characters: Again, another laudable writing effort. I particularly liked the gyrating first-fielder and the reason for his antics! Subtle humour at its best.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Vivid and enthralling, I saw what I had never glimpsed before. Even the men trudging off the field were brought to lige by the description of the rusted and squeaky barrow.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Loved it, exemplary writing! Dr. you are a veritable physician armed with a lexicon of words that heal the weary spirit.

*Flower5* What I liked: What's NOT to like? This was good in every part.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Nary a one, except perhaps to continue to wield this instrument as deftly as a master surgeon his scalpel. I will consult you again for sure.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Birdie _welcome to my world. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

THe piece is a tad long for constructive reviewing, I'd suggest splitting up the three components and keeping them separate, unless you have no room in your port. i will review just the first part here.
*Flower5* The Title: Is there a title? This is pretty confusing. You are choosing not to use a powerful tool to draw people into your story.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The introduction will be unnecessary if you split things up and let the reader find out where the story is going. Now even this beginning has typos like non-capitalization of 'megan' or 'im' instead of 'him', 'eachother' for 'each other' - etc. etc.. Beginnings must be impeccable. I'd suggest a thorough proof-reading.

*Flower5* The Setting: I really could not make out that the setting was an orphanage/adoption center from your piece, it was the intro that clued me in.

*Flower5* The Characters: The description of Jackson and Megan at the beginning, one as narrator and another as best friend, is good. The narrative style and POV go hand-in-hand.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I would have liked a little more description of the little brother, but the action is fast and one doesn't actually notice the loss.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The first part was better than whatever I skimmed of the other two, I'm sorry to say I had lost interest by the middle of the second part, the whole thing is too error-ridden to sustain interest. This could easily be fixed with a good edit, do consider it. I do not know where the story is going, but if the promise in the beginning is sustained, you have something good here.

*Flower5* What I liked: unusual setting, and definitely promising beginning.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
Some visual appeal could be added with the use of one line spacing between paragraphs.

Do take care of typos/errors:

"Description beofre story begins" Even your intro had a typo, it is 'before'.

"“You guys           C’ mon TC just had to get his little sister" Extra space there.

"Then he breaks down again into a pile of tears" Awkward metaphor, how does one 'pile' tears? "Flood" is trite but a more fitting metaphor, 'cataract of tears' or 'raining tears' might do too!

" He cries out and one of his hands nail a security guard in the mouth" It is one of his hands, hence 'nails' not 'nail'.

Just a representative selection, there are many more...

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of How I Wish  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello poetical _welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: Good title and effective use as refrain. Your intro says "Sometimes you can't re-write the past...", I rather thought one could never re-write the past? Or did Omar Khayyam have it all wrong? Y'know "The moving finger writes and having writ moves on...yadda yadda"?

*Flower5* The Mood: Introspection, regret and an understanding that came too late.

*Flower5* The Rhyme and Rhythm: You choose to eschew these devices, yet the line arrangement with the staggered lengths is strangely pleasing. It speaks of random thoughts, scattered - yet one leading into another. Apt, considering the subject.

*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: It 'worked'; especially with the philosophical ending.

*Flower5* What I liked: The natural thoughts, very easy progression from regret to analysis and conclusion.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
Mmm...maybe one place where either punctuation or some word change would be required.
"How I wish you could
Understand how truly sorry
I am that
You and I,
Could get past the issues we had." Either change that to 'couldn't' or place a comma after 'I am' and place a 'I wish that' after that?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of The Serene Child  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello mom2belalia_welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: You kids are killing me. I took like forever to learn how to post an item with appropriate item choices, rating and genres properly done. Yet you two day old infants are showing me how to do it effortlessly from birth! Kudos. Yet, the title, that could be improved. Not that it is not fitting, yet it lacks the uniques signature that would proclaim that a piece worth the reading lay within.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Your piece is powerful for its imagery and you get going from word one. Good job.

*Flower5* The Setting: Easy to picture, whether it is the natural refuge or the contrast of the world left behind.

*Flower5* The Characters: You take an unattractive character and make us feel sympathy for her, that takes some doing.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Vivid and they give this piece a strong rich flavour.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: A little vignette, a glimpse of one rich character or mood. The work is a delicate water-colour, not a flamboyant oil painting. Attractive.

*Flower5* What I liked: Unusual description of something not attractive at all, but yet saved from the ugly by the inspired way of describing it.
" Her teeth are overlapping, thus she smiles shyly with her lips pulled taunt over the rough terrain in her mouth"

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just that one-line spacing between paragraphs would add to the visual appeal and make this easy to read. It was a pleasure to meet you, glorious!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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