Hello Winnie Kay , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" [E]
This is part of your review package from Showering Acts of Joy as an M2M review. Your port is like the beribbonned chest of an acclaimed War hero; you are an editor to boot. I am feeling like an amateur, no, a novice cook, who has called over for lunch the chef of a 2 star Michelin restaurant. Please bear with the humble fare!
This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.
The Title: The title was poignant, striking, unusual and apt! It was even poetic. It was everything I like, attracting and holding the attention, making one read it again to savour it. The intro adding another layer of appreciation, showing us that the story will be one that tugs at the heart. And of course, the cover image, a thing of joy in itself. It highlights another point of focus, not the title itself, but is equally vivid, arresting and apt. Kudos!
The Beginning: For me, this was the best part of the write, it is like a mini-tale within the write. It achieves setting, of mood, but the physical is outlined. It has that one sharp thought, the refrain that holds the write together!
"Maybe I can get him to hear me today."
The Setting: I was a bit confused in the beginning, as to who had been lost and who was having the tough time coping? Was it she, who fantasized the existence of a departed husband? Or was he in a fugue or comatose state? The mood of altered circumstance and loss was easy to see, it was the details that somehow obscured the whole picture, the entire scene.
There's a lot of description in there. I like descriptive bits, more so than the average reader - I would even have it in crisp action tales, trading the slowed action for the richer mind's image. So, why did I feel it intruded upon the emotional setting, the mood, here? I am not accomplished enough to point that out, except that there are times when less is more.
The Characters: I find a need to empathize with the characters to truly enjoy a read. I do not need to imagine myself to BE the protagonists, or even a supporting character, but I do need to like them. I did feel sorry for Rebecca's double whammy, losing both child and husband, one physically, one through his reaction to the grief. In fact, it might even be triple whammy, as I sorted out later, she seems to have been with Amanda, been driving the car when the accident happened,; there has to be some survivor guilt, some I-was-the-cause type too.
But other than that, I found her to be pushy, not supportive, almost a nag.
Come see the sunrise - I'm worried about you - why have you started that dirty habit again - your father died of cancer - are you going to work - are you listening to me - are you listening to me - are you listening to me?
Just think of her various interactions and add them up, wouldn't you find her sufficiently intrusive to want to retreat into a shell and nurse the grief, the black coldness of nothing? Grief requires either a firm slap, a shock, or else support so subtle and comfortable that it cannot be seen as intrusion. Either extreme might work, where a series of firm pushes will not. Or so I feel.
The Descriptions: I applaud the descriptions, the depth of setting, character knowledge, the subtle unfolding of story plot; all of these and more, depend on it. Yet, in places it jarred. It wasn't just that I wondered why the trash bin overflowed or why dirty cups were available for Ted to pour a still brewing coffee. It was bits like "the maze of unopened mail and empty pizza cartons." Why was the house in so much of a mess? Rebecca seems to have got through the same loss and grief and is well on the road to as near normal as she can be. Why is she not cleaning it up if she finds a need to apologize for it?
or "She glided through the clothes on the floor and crossed the room." Glided is a great verb choice, it shows someone's smooth effortless gait. But, it neither suited the mood of the moment not would it be physically consistent if there was a mess of discarded clothing on the floor. Then there is the same question, of why she did not do what 99 out 100 women in her place would have done - picked up that discarded clothing and either dumped it in a laundry basket, or folded it/hung it. When my mind starts wandering off on these silly side tracks, the story loses its grip on me.
That's not to say that I did not find bits in there that were evocative, superb in achieving the physical and emotional tone. I especially laud this bit:
"... frowned as dawn peeked through the gap in the closed window blinds, sentencing him to another day." The mind is as shuttered as the window, as reluctant to admit light, and the phrase 'sentencing him to another day' is effective in showing how much of a burden his life is to him, at present. Well done!
The Story as a Whole: It is an effective tale, one that strikes us, even those who have not known a comparable grief. One of the protagonists is still in the stage of despair and numb denial, uncaring of the present, reluctant to admit a future, afraid to face the past. A slice of life tale that offers no marvelous resolution but rings true. One knows, that someday that dark tunnel will finally show the brightness of the outside world, its end. But, the ending is still that poignant cry of the title.
What I liked: The title, the thought, the end. All one and the same and well used devices that reinforce each other. It has immense potential, and I am just one lone voice, it can be an exemplary emotional drama with just a little tautening of presentation. I want that pinnacle reached only because I appreciated it, even as it is.
Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:
"As she bent down to meet his unshaven face, he opened his eyes and seemed to reluctantly blink back the oblivion of sleep." From whose POV is the tale? If it is Rebecca's head that we inhabit, how did she deduce the reluctance. I am not saying she can't, obviously she knows him well enough to do that. But we, as readers, would be better off being shown how, rather than being told of her perspicacity. It is a strong image, blinking back the oblivion of sleep, a pity to let it be diluted.
"Hands resting on the edge of the sink, he kept his head down as if forcing himself not to look at the mountain ridge across the road." Again, being told of the guesswork dilutes the action, which speaks louder than words. I am not sure how else to handle it, but perhaps: Ted's hands rested on the edge of the sink, head hunched downwards, making even a glimpse of the view impossible. Rebecca could have some internal thought if you want, 'It's as though he's keeping the sun from rising, in his own world.'
"She rushed through the door with that dimpled grin of hers as she danced around the kitchen," Okay, there's a bit more to that sentence, about her pigtails swinging across her back, but I purposely chose only this part. This shows what made the sentence stutter a bit, the two different actions, 'rushing through the door' and 'dancing around the kitchen'. If you chopped off the latter, added a semi-colon after 'grin', and combined the swinging pigtails with dancing around, it will work better. Yes or no? You are the final arbiter.
"He slowly got up, tossed the cigarette butt into the sink, and dragged himself to the living room." 'Dragged himself to the living room showed the reluctance well, whereas 'slowly got up' dilutes the impact that comes later. Adverbs weaken description although they avoid a lengthy descriptive phrase. "He eased himself with the painstaking care of an arthritic octogenarian" is long-winded, but similes and metaphor in writing are like light and water to a seedling!
“Nice sunrise,” he said.
“I already tried that, Jim. It didn’t work,” Rebecca whispered.
Why would she want to whisper that? Whispering doesn't work around children, the elderly, the sick, they all resent it. He's neither retarded nor deaf, he would resent being talked about this way if he has even a smidgeon of recovery. On another note - it is a conventional conversational ploy, even if Ted did not need 'stimulating'. It's over, it cannot be taken back. If she needs to share, she might just say, "Good try Jim, but he still won't look out of the window. Maybe, some day ..."
See, the way you have it, Jim might not try again, this way, he'll keep trying to get his partner to respond.
Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
May your words go on to shine!
Effort brings colour to Life
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