|Review for: RJLloyd Of The Stalker's Notebook - Chapter 1
Overview and Suggestions
Description: Overall I think the narration did pretty well. There were a few times where I felt there were unnecessary descriptions. For example:
"They waited for her in the hall as she pulled together a black on black outfit. Without much thought, she opted for a black canvas bag that she had gotten at some business convention over taking her Prada purse."
I can see the emphasis was made to be on the black canvas, but the description of the black on black outfit or where she got the canvas bag, I felt, was unnecessary detail. When you're writing detail, remember for your readers, you have to convince us to care about what's happening.
So, as an example, that sentence could be re-written into something like this:
"The couple waited for her in the hall as she retreated to the bedroom to slip on an outfit. Absentmindedly, she reached for a black canvas bag rather than her signature Prada purse."
Remember, that's just an example.
Emotion: I didn't see anything wrong with the emotional portrayal, so good job!
Dialogue: The dialogue between the characters could use a little bit of work. I felt at times it wasn't relaxed. Here's what I mean:
"“We have some questions about a complaint you filed,” Dickov said.
Laura looked at them and how they made an awkward coupling. He was in charge.
“Was it a week ago?”
“Yes,” he said as if playing along.
“In regards to Dr. Bender and Altheim?”"
That last sentence, "In regards to Dr. Bender and Altheim", I'm not sure who is speaking. If it's not obvious who the speaker is, a dialogue tag should be added.
""We have some questions about a complaint you filed,” Dickov said.
Laura looked them over, noting how strange of a coupling they made.
“My complaint from a week ago?”
“Yes,” he said. “In regards to Dr. Bender and Altheim?”"
Grammar/Mechanics: I found multiple grammatical errors, but I will only include a few of them here.
She had hoped that they would have breakfast together even if it was just a ‘Starbucks’ run downstairs. (It appears that the verb was should be in the subjunctive form when used with the word if. Consider changing it.)
Out of habit she pressed the black button on the device cutting off her doorman’s familiar voice. (It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase Out of habit. Consider adding a comma.)
She had of course asked them this too (separately) over and over again in various formats. (It appears that you are missing a comma or two with the interrupter of course. Consider adding the comma(s).)
I think overall this is a good beginning! There are some descriptions that need some working around, but as a general whole, you did well. Good job!