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 Reflections and ruminations from a modern day Alice - Life is Wonderland |
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Reflections and ruminations from a modern day Alice - Life is Wonderland  Welcome to the place were I chronicle my own falls down dark holes and adventures chasing white rabbits! Come on In, Take a Bite, You Never Know What You May Find... "Curiouser and curiouser." Alice in Wonderland ** Image ID #1701066 Unavailable **   |
| The knowledge that I haven't actually written anything all summer long, looms like a shadow over me. I suspect my absence from the world of electronic testimony isn't solely due to a lack of free time. I suspect it also may stem from fearing what would come out if I flung open my personal "Pandora's box", releasing words and sentiments that might be too toxic or too dark to process properly in a single blog entry. While I have experienced great moments of joy in the last few months, I have also had my share of doubt, rage, disillusion and disappointments...and given my predication of writing without self-censorship or apology...I thought it best to abstain until I had a better perspective overall. Or, and this is probably the most true reason, the drive to write something became as unbearable to ignore as my worry of offending some people with what I had to say. This summer has provided many opportunities to discover things about myself and about the people in my life and its given me a lot of unexpected highs and, unfortunately some pretty big fucking lows too. I have felt uncharacteristically isolated and lonely, but have also found incredible joy and comfort in the re-discovery of old friendships. I have felt the support and connection to some family, but also battled with rejection and abandonment from others. It has been a summer of a hard learning curve, one that has often brought me stress and frustration, but also given me brilliant moments of feeling accomplished and refreshed. At times I have felt both like the Phoenix, as well as the smoldering pile of ash. This morning, as I let the dogs out, I felt the promise of Autumn in the cool predawn air. I felt myself beginning to write in my head, found my mind going through the mental dancing of matching phrasing to feeling. I'd held the words at bay to long and now they were coming, rushing forward like the end of summer. So, here I sit, wondering where to I should begin to start catching myself up. I supposed I should start with what is at the surface, the arsenal I have at the ready. As it frequently tends to be, the top emotion in my mental totem these days is frustration. I am frustrated with my middle-aged body and its inability to do the things I ask it too. I am often too tired, too sweaty, too unmotivated to do once of those HITT workouts that I so desperately need. I am frustrated by my 22+ year career which seems to be going exactly nowhere very quickly. I am frustrated by my limitations and even more so, the doubts I have about being a good mom, a better wife. My level of frustration these days is matched only by my anger. I think I give in to rage more than I should. I think some days I get up and put on a "rage coat", and it feels too heavy for my personal climate. I know I should shuck the rage, toss it off and enjoy life more but some days it feels like its in my bloodstream, coursing beneath my skin, leaving me hot and fevered. I find inspiration in anger. I have written so many letters this summer in fits of rage. They are beautifully rabid works, overflowing with toxic righteousness and resilience. I sometimes love the "enraged and wounded" version of me best, as she writes with a firestarter vengeance that both scares and excites me. I haven't sent those letters. As angry as I have been, I haven't decided to torch all my lost cities to the ground yet. It hasn't been all been about anger and frustration this summer though. I've reached really far outside my comfort zones and felt rewarded for the effort. I shed an old role or two and taken on some new responsibilities. In a decision that some still consider highly controversial, I became a horse owner. I am discovering, rather simultaneously, that I know next to nothing about owning a horse and also that owning a horse has gifted me with such unexpected peace and joy. It is a wonderfully perplexing dichotomy. It is hard, so hard, to learn the basics about something so foreign to me. I struggle, a lot. I'm terrified more often than I care admit to myself. I sometimes laugh out loud about how clueless I am...but I also have those moments when I do something right on my own for the first time and I feel like a total rock star. Truth is, I love how hard I have to work at it and when I feel like I've learned something, the sense of accomplishment is something my life has been sorely missing for a long time. The truth is that while we got Roo for my daughter, our painted pony has captured so much of my own heart too. The time I spend with Roo and my daughter is like balm on all my sad and wounded places. I imagine in many ways, he will become a special kind of muse for me in the years to come. Lastly, for I'm nearly the end of my blogging time allotment today, joy has also been a consistent feature of this summer. Watching my daughter blossom into a fierce and funny beauty under the blue skies and sunshine, has been my greatest blessing. She is coming into herself in delightful ways from making new friends at camps to discovering her own tastes and styles. She has shunned dresses and headbands in favor of shorts and anything sporty. She loathes anything pink. She frequently hijacks my playlist to blast Queen or Imagine Dragons and spends her free time face-timing her friends and snuggling with her dog. My daughter still holds my hand, still wants to fall asleep between her father and I whenever we allow it, and doesn't pull away when I reach to hug her or mess with her hair. She believes in "armless" hugs for everyone but Gramma Boop and her Dad but most of time still manages to remember her manners in most situations. In her long legs and sea green eyes , I get hints of the astoundingly beautiful of a woman she will be one day. In her boundless laugh and quirky smile, I see the fun and lively teenager she will soon become. I am, as I have been since her birth, incredibly amazed by all that she is and all I know she will do in this life. There have been many times this summer that I have wandered out onto the back deck and watched my husband mowing the lush green yard. His legs are wrapped around his tractor and he looks lost in his task and in the music in his headphones. He looks like a man in his element and watching him, I've felt wonderfully blessed with him and with our home. I have sat in the twilight of a July evening and watched the bats flying circuits among the high, swaying trees, and felt humbled and grateful in my soul. I have walked the acres of my sister's farm as the sun was setting, felt its retreating warmth on my back, listened to her donkey braying for his dinner and thought to myself....how life could be so simply and so perfectly beautiful in some moments. |
| 30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT May 30th Congratulations on making it to the last day of the competition! What was your favorite prompt from the last month? What was the most rewarding aspect of participating in the competition? “The time has come," the walrus said, "to talk of many things: Of shoes and ships - and sealing wax - of cabbages and kings” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass This has been a challenge on several levels for me this month but I am feeling accomplished to have address every prompt in some way this month. Some of them were a bit late, some of them were a bit short but I did them all in my own way and did not manage to skip even one of them! That feels like an achievement to me for sure this time around. I found that committing myself to this month and this community was the most rewarding aspect of this challenging. On the days it proved to be more than I was ready for, I found reading the blogs of my fellow bloggers always inspired me to stick too it. I like that sense of community a lot. I found I looked forward to reading other's entries as much as I looked forward to crafting my own sometimes. My favorite prompt this month was: PROMPT May 15th, Share an instance when something blew your mind. It inspired me to get lost in a sweet memory about my daughter. I brought a smile to my face on a day when I really needed a little sunshine in my life. I was touched by the comments from my fellow bloggers as well. I made me happy to know my words had impacted others even in a small, subtle way. As much dedication as this challenge has taken to see it through, I'm sad to see it finish. I will miss signing on to see the prompts and of course, to reading everyone's take on them. Best of luck to my fellow bloggers! |
| 30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT May 29th I need help building the stock of prompts in the Challenge War Chest! Write four prompts of your own and then choose one to write your entry on Okay, here are some prompts: 1.What is your favorite quote, who said it and what does it mean to you? 2. Genre Play - Pick your favorite genre and do a re-write of a classic fairytale like Three Little Pigs or Goldilocks & The three Bears in that genre. 3. Tell us your best ghost story, make us believe it! 4. Weather Patterns - Write a poem or story where weather (any kind) is prominently featured. I would love to write something today, but I am feeling lost between raging allergies and violent coughing spasms that leave me feeling drained. My brain just feels fuzzy and while I have managed to write every prompt this round, today it just feels beyond my abilities. I hope at least my prompts are helpful, I feel like today 50% of the prompt is the best I can manage. Looking forward to reading everyone else's responses though! |
| 30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT May 28th On this last Talk Tuesday of May, let’s talk about bias. How do your own biases influence your life? Is it possible to ever be truly objective? I've spent the morning catching up on the three prompts I missed this weekend and now my brain feels a little like mush. I have to really take a minute here and think about biases...what ones I may have, of those of others that affect my life. I can think of more examples of the latter that effect my life lately for sure. First and foremost, many people in this country are biased against Muslims. I feel that bias pretty acutely because my husband is Muslim. He is pretty lapse but still goes to mosque on the holy days and still refrains from eating pork. I find myself always worrying over his safety when he goes to pray. Recently, a mosque he has frequented in the past suffered a fire they believe was intentionally set. It saddens me because I've attended that mosque with him on holidays. Despite being a non-Muslim visitor, I was welcomed in so warmly. They wanted me to feel that this was my space as much as theirs and everyone had an encouraging smile and kind word. I know that many people, even those close to me, have a different view of Muslims but I have only know them as loving, peaceful and welcoming. I fear for my daughter, that she may face those same biases one day should she choose the path of her father's faith one day. I fear very much what her world will look like then. Political biases shape much of our world these days. While I try to keep my personal politics close to my heart, I still feel the pressure of a world drawn on taught lines. I feel sometimes that I am judged on the basis of what I am perceived to be, and as a result, I am grouped onto one category or another. There is a mother at my daughter's school who has formed an opinion about who she believes I am, and as much as I am tempted to set her straight, I can't bring myself to invite the confrontation. Is it even worth it? Sticks and stones...right? As far as my own biases...gosh I have a few of those. I'm ashamed to admit it but I do have some preconceived notions and biases that I can feel working against my better judgement sometimes. I try very hard to push past then though. I do believe we can reach a place where we can be objective, at least in a specific space and time. |
| 30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT May 27th Today is Memorial Day here in the US, a federal holiday for remembering and honoring persons who have died while serving in the Armed Forces. How do you honor those who have passed (whether they served in the military or not)? I always try to thank a service man or women when I see them out in public, especially those older gentlemen you see wearing the hats that say Korean War vet or WWII veteran. I want my daughter to see my example and learn to be thankful for those who served and continue to. We have started a tradition of making cards for soldiers at Christmas. She knows that we always give money to the veterans selling the little red poppies outside the super market. She understands the significance of that small red flower. When she is a bit older, I will take her to Washington D.C. and we will visit the tomb of the fallen soldier and the great wall of names of all of those who have died in service to her country. I think those are such important lessons to impart on the youth of today, especially as an entire generation of warriors and heroes are passing on, leaving only their stories as evidence of their valor. It is our responsibility to make sure their sacrifices are not forgotten. |
| 30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT May 26th Share an instance in your life when you would have liked a do-over. As a rule, I do not contemplate "do-overs" in my life. It is a dangerous concept for someone like me, someone who spent so many years trying to "fix" someone only to have it all come to nothing. I spent five years of my life with an alcoholic whom I loved madly but must have known, deep down in my core, that I could not save him. Regardless I threw myself into his recovery with a determination and a passion he himself never possessed. I missed all the signs that he had given up until it was too late. He died in his mid-thirties, taking a large piece of me along with all the promises of marriage and a family with him. I'd give him those prime years of my life when I could have been getting married and starting a family. I traded those ripe years for pain and disappointments, betrayals and urine-colored hospital floors and acrid smells of blood and antiseptic. If I had a do-over, would I even have handled it all differently? Would I have still fallen in love with my best friend? Wouldn't I have still tried everything to save him from himself? No, do-overs are not something I allow myself to contemplate ever. Instead I remind myself that all my choices, good and bad, brought me to where I am today and it is exactly where I am supposed to be. I met a wonderful man, got a second chance at love and discovered the amazing gift that is motherhood. Life has brought me blessings, three times over any pain and heartache I have been forced to bear. |
| 30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT May 25th Write about your plans for the weekend. If you had 48 hours to do whatever you wanted, no holds barred, how would you spend your time? I'm playing at catch up again today because this weekend went exactly as I had planned! We kicked it off with an after school Friday evening playdate for my daughter and her friend that morphed into a sleepover. It had been about a month since she's had a proper play date and I was happy to see her laughing and goofing around on the trampoline with her bestie. Since she was occupied, I was able to switch over my closet to my spring and summer garb and catch up on the laundry pile this effort typically generates each season. The rest of the weekend was spent at home, working on the yard. It was the thing that had been the most neglected when we purchased the home. There was a lot of overgrowth that was hiding lovely natural rock formations and the process of recovery is surprisingly rewarding. It has been a wonderful way to reclaim the property, laying fresh mulch down and planting new flowers. The weather was absolutely perfect, making up at last for so many days of rain. The weekend ended, as I would like them all too, with a cookout with family. We ate on the deck with the torches and toasted marshmellows on the fire table. It was seasonal perfection! |
| 30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT May 24th Congratulations on making it to the last week of the competition! You all should be proud! *Heart* How do you celebrate your successes? What is your favorite thing to give yourself as a reward? Lately I don't feel that I have had too many successes. Whenever I feel accomplished I give myself the gift of a little extra "me" time. I take a few hours off work or leave early to go to the book store or enjoy the sun somewhere. That's my favorite way to celebrate successes really, just taking some extra time to spend an hour or two doing something I enjoy, without being or doing anything for anyone else. I'm looking forward to a long weekend and to being able to wrap up the weekend blogs on time this week. Hope everyone enjoys themselves! |
| 30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT May 23rd What is your learning style? Do you prefer to learn through reading, images, audio, discussion, hands on, etc.? What is something new you learned in the last 30 days? I started in my field about twenty-two years ago without much training and no one really to learn from. I had to develop the procedures that I use now. I had to self-teach many of my responsibilities and roles here. I did that by asking questions of my peers in the industry, by questioning our vendors and working with people more skilled and experienced that I was at the time. I absorbed a lot by just immersing myself mostly. At times that was a tough way to earn my stripes and there were a lot of stumbles along the way. As a result, I believe practical, active learning works best. Immersing yourself in the environment and putting the tools to practical use early on is the best way to learn - if and whenever that approach is possible. I also believe strongly in cross-training. There are many things here that only I know how to do and as a result, I think it weakens us as a company to rely on just one individual to keep the essential gears turning. I try hard to train people on different aspects of my job so I have someone I can rely on and if I should get suddenly hit by a truck, my company stands a better chance of being able to transition in my replacement from within the organization. The last thirty days here have been slow. When our business is slow, there isn't much of an opportunity to learn anything new. I am hoping the Spring will bring kinder flying weather and with that, will come more deals. If I've learned anything new this month it is outside of work. I'd have to say it would be something to do with my daughter's horse hobby. She's learning the routine she will need to make her first show in July. I'm learning all the terms, and what they meant for when takes her first "test". She will have to work her horse through several elements, like rising trots between sections of the arena, a salute and change of directions and resting walks...all while making sure she stays on the right diagonal. Its all new to the both of us and I've learned that there is a whole lot more to riding than I once believed. |
| 30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT May 22nd When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? With the exception of a brief stint where I wanted to be a roller skating rocker at the age of eight, I had always dreamed of being an ocean explorer. My heroes growing up were Jacques Cousteau and Dr. Eugene Clark, aka "the Shark lady". I was positively captivated by the sea and spent more time under water than I did above it. I attacked my future career path with a healthy ambition too. I got my scuba certification before I could drive. I read everything I could about the sea and its creatures and ecosystems. I became an avid science student and eventually a high school aquanaut. I took my inaugural submarine dive as a softmore in high school. My junior year I took a week long trip with Semester at Sea out of Woods Hole, MA. Woods Hole was like my mecca, with it's harbor heavy with vessels bearing NOAA and National Geographic emblems on their bows. My senior year was spent in independent studies with Project O and the US Coast Guard marine studies core. I tried, unsuccessfully to talk my parents into allowing me to go shark diving off the coast of California and to camp out with the Orca pods in Nova Scotia. They did grant me permission to go to Australia and New Zealand as part of the People to People Science Exchange the summer before my freshman year of college. At seventeen I was blessed with the once in a lifetime opportunity to dive on the Great Barrier Reef off the Queensland coast of Australia. It was easily the highlight of my entire academic career. At seventeen, I felt like I had amassed a pretty amazing resume of experiences and that I was well on my way to pursuing my dreams. I took a semester at the University of Hawaii on Hilo, an opportunity for in-field study that was offered as part of my marine biology degree program. Two weeks in and I had already decided to transfer to there to finish my degree when a very frank conversation with a very honest professor, turned my life around. He was someone I had really come to respect in such a short time and he spoke with me about the world I was planning to immerse myself in. This teacher had perhaps the best take on my personality and potential as any I had. He saw the passion and ambition in me and cared enough to tell me the truth about a world I had only seen through rose-colored glasses. The world I was after was not going to be a golden, grant paved road to the Discovery Channel I had imagined for myself. It was going to be years and years of frustration soaked service to someone who had more letters behind their last name than I had. It was a life spent on rolling oceans and in under funded laboratories that might give me the opportunity to seize on the next great scientific discovery...but that credit would likely go to someone else first, someone who had already put in the time, the money and the blood and tears. He spoke to be very candidly, in the way he wished someone had cared enough to do for him when he was in my place all those years ago. That conversation, and the ones that would follow that summer, changed the trajectory of my life for good. I can easily say, with some minor regrets, that he had been 100% right about everything. |
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