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367 Public Reviews Given
386 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
My review style is fairly detailed. I am not the sort to only give praise. My goal is to help you explore your characters, plot, and the overall structure of your work.
I'm good at...
I'm good at offering balanced advice. My reviews will explore those aspects of your writing that work well, and the areas that need more improvement.
Favorite Genres
I prefer darker work, horror, science fiction, fantasy, and erotica. I will accept any rating of work you wish for me to review.
Least Favorite Genres
I don't care for light hearted, feel good romances.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and novels.
Least Favorite Item Types
Non-fiction. I like reading poetry, but please know that I have very little knowledge of poetry structure, so my reviews will be based strictly on a reader standpoint and how it sounds from the reader's perspective.
I will not review...
I'll give anything a try.
Public Reviews
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76
76
Review by Noyoki
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Prosperous Snow celebrating ,

My Thoughts:

This piece showed the true danger that lies in picking food up off the floor. Be it glass, or disease, food that falls on the floor should always be discarded. I think that this is a real problem in high pressure restaurants because when the tickets are stacking up behind you and the food needs to go out now, the temptation to just pick the food back up is very high. This story shows why chiefs should never give into the temptation.

My Favorite Part:

My favorite part is when Sybilla was rewarded for her kindness by getting a new job. If she'd stayed at the restaurant, or even just went home instead of checking on Collins, she never would have gotten the opportunity to work at the Daily Journal. This is the perfect example of how one choice can alter the lives of many. Sometimes for the good, and sometimes for the bad.

My Suggestions:

One suggestion I would offer is to show the confrontation between Sybilla and the Chef when she quits, instead of having it happen of stage via a third party. This is an area where you can heighten the tension and we can get a clear view of what Chef Mullins is thinking and feeling about his choices.

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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77
77
Review of Test  
Review by Noyoki
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Ida_Matilda_Wright Help ,

My Thoughts:

This was an interesting direction to take the prompt. Many people make the character who dropped the food into the bad guy, but you were able to turn it in a new way and make it into a test for new hires. Great way to find a new look for the idea!

My Favorite Part:

I loved the idea of a character test for new hires. This is a great way for the Chef Rose to gauge the true personality of the people hired and figure out who will be best for moving up. By doing this, the Chef can see who is strong enough to call him out for making a mistake, and who is too afraid of losing their job to maintain the quality of the restaurant.

My Suggestions:

One thing I would take another look at is your spacing. There's a lot of space between paragraphs and it isn't consistent. The first line is also double tabbed. One space between paragraphs is usually enough to separate them.

A small edit, you use the word blue for blew off the meat. A little later in the piece you used brew for blew off. I would also change the question mark to a period at the end of 'Now get to work?' The question mark makes the statement sound weak, instead of firm.

While there were a few technical errors, I think this is a strong piece and that your characters have good motives and thoughts for what they do. Thank you for sharing your work!

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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78
78
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Don Two ,

My Thoughts:

This painted a grim picture,especially with the meteor that just struck Russia, giving this poem a weight of truth and a taste of prophecy.

My Favorite Part:

The title was a brilliant counterpoint to this poem, and set the tone for all that followed. I liked how you pulled in a lot of history for this piece, and added small details that made it feel more realistic such as the fact that the meteor was spotted by armatures on an old telescope.

My Suggestions:

I would take another look at the third to last line. I think you could work with it a little, and make it more visual. Instead of saying it isn't snow, maybe: and ash like snow falls, or something similar.

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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79
79
Review of Taxing  
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Jatog the Green ,

My Thoughts:

This was a humorous take on facing down the tax problem. It shows how we hem and haw, before finally buckling down and taking care of business.

My Favorite Part:

As a cat person I enjoyed the bit about him and Furball. It's amazing how talking out loud to one's cat when no one else is around can help elevate stress. During tax season you need all the stress relief you can get.

My Suggestions:

I think you should change the last line to read: doing the taxes stressed him out more, because then it matches up with the last line of the stanza above it.

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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80
80
Review of Stone Gate  
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Aelyah

My Thoughts:

This small fiction left me curious about the overall story. How did S'aen get here, and what had he expected to find? At the end, I wish I knew what the gate was. Did it lead to his death? Was it passage to another world? If so, what did the spell do? Would he arrive on a different world deeply wounded, or even dead? There are so many directions and plots that could be developed around this small story. Great job.

My Favorite Part:

I like how S'aen underestimated his opponent. We all make mistakes, and pride is one of the biggest. By allowing his enemy to take up his weapon again he left himself open to unknown attack. This is a good lesson for all, especially in fantasy stories, never underestimate your opponent.

My Suggestions:

The first line is confusing. I had to read it twice to realize that the bad guy was waiting in ambush. How it's written now makes it sound like S'aen was lead out of the gate by the knife wielding man. This might work to correct the problem: He took a step away from the gate when he felt the kiss of a knife against his throat and a metal object pressed firmly against his side.

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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81
81
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello Jeff ,

My Thoughts:

I like the conflicting emotion in this story. He wants Jack to be happy, yet he's also upset that after all the time spent wishing for himself and getting nothing, one wish for Jack gets his friend everything. It shows how people really are, and gives your character an authenticity that others lack.

My Favorite Part:

My favorite part is his belief. The wish probably had nothing to do with Jack's turn in luck, but he believes it completely. It is similar to a football fan's belief in their team winning because he wore the 'lucky sweater' the one he hasn't washed since the last major win.

My Suggestions:

One thing I would think about changing are what he wishes for. They're very stereotypical things, and I think it would add spice if instead of a sports car he wanted a helicopter or something of that nature.

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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82
82
Review of Pet Party  
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Jeff ,

My Thoughts:

This is an idea that I've toyed with before, but haven't yet written. I like how yours played on the typical little girl concept so many of us know and love from our own childhoods. When I was a young girl, my friend and I had a wedding for our two cats (who hated each other), but for us it was just pure fun.

My Favorite Part:

That the pet is a human, and the little girl an alien. People love to assume that aliens will come either to kill us, or to make allies of us, but there is a better than equal chance that they'll just see us the way we see animals. Clever creatures, temperamental, and quite good at escaping their cages, but deeply entertaining all the same.

My Suggestions:

One suggestion I have would be to do a companion piece to this from the human's perspective.

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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83
83
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Jeff ,

My Thoughts:

This was a fun story, where we were able to fall easily into the lives of these two friends. You were able to give us a lot of good back story without doing any information dumps, and we got a clear view of all the characters.

My Favorite Part:

My favorite part was how the memory made me feel. It was like being a little kid again after my mother finished baking cookies, my friend and I would steal one and run down the hall to hide around the corner, all the while giggling at our small crime.

My Suggestions:

Quick edit: 'who came out and screamed at their in Italian. Their should be them.

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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84
84
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Jeff ,

My Thoughts:

Presenting a fantasy story via a flyer/news article is quite clever. It gives you a way to draw the reader in, making them part of the story as they imagine themselves in that world reading the article, asking themselves what sort of character would they be, and what would they buy?

My Favorite Part:

This story writes itself into the mind of the reader. You gave us hints, that there is this magical shop, and for reasons undisclosed it had a lot of trouble getting off the ground. For me, it opened up a whole landscape of possible catastrophes, from escaped products, to shipping issues, to magical items reacting badly with each other. The possibilities are endless, and by not telling us, those disasters are ours to imagine.

My Suggestions:

One change I would make is in the shop's hours. From dawn to dusk sounds nice, but there's a whole group of magical beings that can't go out in sunlight, so they wouldn’t be able to shop there.

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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85
85
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Jeff ,

My Thoughts:

In this story you were able to give us something we rarely ever see. Some idea of what happened after the fairytale couple ride off into the sunset. Since half of all marriage ends in divorce, it is reasonable to think that at least some of those happily ever afters didn't last.

My Favorite Part:

I like how this looks at the idea unfairness in divorce while still remaining humorous. The fact that a woman, or man, can marry someone who's far richer than they, and then expect to remain living in the way they're used to after the divorce is unfair. It is a very sticky subject with pros and cons on both sides, but you were able to explore it without getting bogged down in the debate.

My Suggestions:

It would have been interesting to see a little blip, an update of six months or so, showing where each ended up.

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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86
86
Review of Heads Up  
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Jeff ,

My Thoughts:

I've decided that I'm quite fond of your sense of humor. In the stories I've read so far, there's always some delightful twist at the end that makes everything fall perfectly into place.

My Favorite Part:

The favorite part for me was how this story was a living, breathing example of 'you have to go through hell before you get to heaven.' The little bits of bad luck were all bread crumbs leading to one of the defining moments of this man's life.

My Suggestions:

One small edit: Ever since I had picked up that damned penny, I've had nothing but bad luck. I think you should remove the first had.


This one is a keeper; in fact, the way you wrote it was vivid enough that I could easily see this as the start of a romantic comedy.

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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87
87
Review of The Flower Girl  
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Jeff ,

My Thoughts:

This story had the potential of been a cliché, but I think you pulled it off masterfully. You took a well known cliché 'always a bridesmaid, never a bride' and breathed new life into it. The florist was very human, quite true to life and not standing loftily above her grievances, but not giving into bitterness either. I think you walked a good line between being a good sport, and being a royal bitch.

My Favorite Part:

In this story my favorite part was that April's happy ending is alluded to in the form of the photographer. She was rewarded for taking what was a hard case, one that many people would have rejected and refused to endure no matter how much money it paid, and because of that she may have found what she'd been looking for all along.

I also like how the names fit with the overall story. April, the beginning of spring when flowers bloom, even Greene, which reminds me of summer and new grass. It tied things together nicely.

My Suggestions:

I think you needed to add a little bit more tension to the story. Things went just a bit too easy for April, and I think that there should have been some more conflict before she reaches the end.

Aside from that, this was a great story. April was quirky and fun, and I love that she was able to get back a little bit of revenge. She didn't give in to her hurt and anger, and she was able to do her job even though it was hard.

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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88
88
Review of The Futurist  
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Jeff

My Thoughts:

I like the technique of using something we're all familiar with to present a new idea or expand on an existing one in fiction. In this case you used the median of an interview to give the readers a taste of Futurism. It is something I've never heard of before, but after reading this story and your author's note it makes sense.

My Favorite Part:

The little twist at the end. Even the weather men get it right sometime, and Gunther was able to make quite a bit of money off that one little tip. Kiwi, perfect. I love it.

My Suggestions:

One thing that might be fun to see, is to move it to a live studio audience for the show, and have the audience ask a few questions and react to the interview.

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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89
89
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Jeff

My Thoughts:

Nice! In less than 100 words you were able to capture a unique and terrible truth that plagues the world as we know it. The devious skill and super evil talents of realtors and how they can make us buy anything if given enough time.

My Favorite Part:

That the subject of this flash fiction was a super villain. We always see them in movies, and ohh and ahh over their secret compounds. Always so high tech and seemingly impenetrable or inescapable. What we never get a chance to see is how those places are found and constructed. I think you captured this concept well. How many secret hide outs failed before we get to that final version?

My Suggestions:

One confusing part is in the first part, you go from the conference room, to your bed sinking into magma. It makes it sound like the bed was in the conference room, maybe change to my bedroom had already been consumed by magma, or something like that.

This was a fun read, and something that could be built upon sometime in the future if you're ever inclined to do so. I would enjoy reading a full length story featuring this character. Even though I am only given a small taste of him here, I like him and want to know more.

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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90
90
Review of Disappearing Act  
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Jeff ,

My Thoughts:

*Giggles* I have a 2 year old son, and I can see this in my future. Right now he's still doing his own thing, but he's nearing the age where such games will be played and this gave a funny, yet slightly terrifying, view of what I have to look forward to.

My Favorite Part:

The End. "Vengeance will be mine!!!" That was a perfect end to the story, humor and revenge all bound up into one neat little package. I've seen a number of divorces where parents use their children to get back at each other, but usually it is in a very cruel and vindictive way. I like how you were able to bring that into this story, but in a kinder more light hearted way. Great job!

My Suggestions:

The line 'Thomas was something of a disappearing act' sounds a little off to me. Maybe change it to Thomas was something of a magician, he could vanish at will, might work better.

Because of my own son, this story hit on my personal background and I enjoyed it all the more for that. Thank you for sharing your wonderful work with all of us!

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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91
91
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Jeff

My Thoughts:

I had to admit that the title made me think this was going to be worse than it was, angry women all wanting revenge, that sort of thing. But, this was delightful. I think that half those poor women are probably grateful that they are no longer dating him. It makes me wonder how the soon to be wife is going to survive being married to him.

My Favorite Part:

The list of ex-girlfriends and their many battle wounds was my favorite part. It would be kind of fun to see a series of micro fiction just detailing this man's dating history starting from his very first girlfriend, and ending with his new wife. I can see now that something humorous and slightly tragic will undoubtedly happen during the wedding.

My Suggestions:

One quick edit. In the line: I dated someone knew, knew should be new. I liked the ending, but it feels like he got cheated, since the scars aren't really a secret, more of an observation that she half qualifies for the club.

Aside from that, I found this to be extremely giggle worthy.


Thank you,

~Noyoki

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92
92
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello socalscrib

My Thoughts:

*Laughs* Thank you for this. I was in need of a good laugh today and this was the best way to start the morning. Everyone has heard of the creation story, but you took it in an entirely different direction. The odds of Earth being the only planet in all the universe to support life is hard to believe, and you were able to take that concept and run with it. After all, a God needs to focus on so many different things, why not outsource a little?

My Favorite Part:

I enjoy how this reads like a promotional; it fit the flow of a commercial, lending it a familiarity that gave it a greater weight and believability. It wasn't too stuffy, but still had the sale's man's voice that we've all grown up with.

My Suggestions:

One thing I would love to see is an actual form showing all the different options one could get when purchasing their own planet. (Just five easy payments of $19.95, upgrades not included).

This was very humorous and I liked the twist to an old story.

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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93
93
Review of The Kiss  
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Princess Zelda

My Thoughts:

This was a different take on a story most of us know. When people think of Judas, all they see is greed and a betrayer. They rarely give thought to what became of him, to the path he chose or his end. He is forever defined by his betrayal. But, you were able to look to the end of the story, to recognize that there were two who had turned away from Christ, and two different paths unfolded when one accepted that Jesus forgave him, and the other could not accept that forgiveness. Perhaps this was the true message after all.

My Favorite Part:

I loved the message you gave us, the unique twist on an old story. We all make mistakes, and some of them are indeed terrible things, but if we aren't able to forgive ourselves, the forgiveness of others cannot save us.

I'm also deeply impressed with the structure of your poem. I've never been great with structured poetry, I can do simple rhyming or free verse, but to be able to tell such a complex story while maintaining the structure you chose to use is very impressive.

My Suggestions:

One suggestion I have is that the second to last stanza, the last line only has three syllables, and the line 'took your choice, and got rid of your life' feels a bit off. I think it is the got rid of that is bothering me. It just sounds too mild for what was done.

This was a great poem. Thank you for sharing!


Thank you,

~Noyoki

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
94
94
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Diane,

This was a lovely welcome, one that was intriguing to read and not dry like many such things are. I think that this introduction gave the information a warm personal feel that, as a newbie, made me comfortable. Articles like this are a great way to introduce needed information without loosing newbies in endless links and an abundance of overwhelming information.

One suggestion I would make is simply including links to any other such wonderful tidbits, other halls if you will for after a newbie has finished exploring this room.

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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95
95
Review by Noyoki
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi ~*Arpita*~

This is a great forum. I've been on the site for a few days now, and have spent a lot of time learning it, and I think that this is a forum that should be sent to all newbies. There were more than a few times that I had to thrash about looking for an answer, but this is a great area to ask questions and explore what other newbies are doing.

Thank you for providing such a place, and helping newbies become experienced Write.Com authors!

Thanks,
~Noyoki
96
96
Review of CLASH!  
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello kline,

My Thoughts:

Lalathm'malk is both frightening, and unique. I like his history, how checkered his past is. His story is also a sad one, to have lost so much, and at the hands of those he worked for. It is a beautiful, terrible tragedy.

My Favorite Part:

I liked his interactions with the children. Even though the end turned so bloody, I feel like the beginning showed that the elf who's family died didn't die entirely with them. While Rue can be cruel, and do those jobs no one else wishes to take, he still has the gentleness of a father.

I also like how you presented your character profile, as a secret report. That was a very clever touch.

My Suggestions:

In your history change dyeing to dying. I would include two areas in the profile, a strengths and weaknesses section. What is his fighting style, preferred weapons, can he do magic? I would also include a more detailed section of his wounds, and an explanation of the monster leg, what are any benefits/limitations of the leg and that sort of information.

I would add on to the end of your introduction. I love the last line, but it doesn't really show where Rue stands. Will he go after the Chalice, if so why?


Thank you,

~Noyoki

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97
97
Review of CLASH!  
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Adam Jessee,

My Thoughts:

Linna sounds like an imposing character, someone who is almost frighteningly competent. I like you're depiction of her, and the fact that she's hard, but not heartless. She was able to overcome her childhood, and not become a monster for it.

My Favorite Part:

I liked the small details of this introduction that made it feel more realistic. The greenwood causing the fire to smoke, the fact that not every arrow struck exactly where she aimed. It is those little details that bring a story to life and keep the readers interested. Great job!

My Suggestions:

In your character sketch, I would include her weaknesses, as well as her strengths. Also, in your intro I would have liked to see more of her story. What you wrote was intriguing and interesting, but it just felt short, and I would have liked to read more. Perhaps how she got the job, travailing back, perhaps they were ambushed on the road as allies attempted to rescue the caught man.

If we both make it into the contest, it will be interesting to see my character go up against yours, the bounty hunter verses the assassin. It might be fun, especially since she's rather larger than he. *BigSmile*

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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98
98
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Princess Zelda,

My Thoughts:

I enjoyed how you explored the concept that you wanted to convey, and gave us a poem that perfectly illustrated the comparison. By using this multi-layered format I think that you were able to really dig into the idea and show it to us on more than one level.

My Favorite Part:

My favorite part was the unique comparison you were able to develop. I've seen a number of different ideas to encompass love, and most simply boil down to the fact that love is good. But, you were able to take it to another level, to explore the idea that not all love is good, that just as we need to watch what we eat, we need to watch the sort of love we allow into our lives. I also liked the truth of the difficulty of maintaining good love, it isn't easy, and like eating healthy it takes active maintenance to insure it flourishes.

My Suggestions:

There were a few words that should be changed in the section above the poem:
- In the second paragraph change its to it's (its called losing your appetite)
- This sentence is a bit muddled: Love/Food that is bitter/sour on the outside, to taste, but those are the food that really increase your well being as a whole in the long run. Food like bitter gourd and love filled advice from our parents.

Maybe try the following: Love/Food that are bitter or sour on the outside may taste bad, but they are the foods that really increase your well being as a whole in the long run. Food like bitter gourd and love filled advise from our parents might taste bitter, but allow us to grow.

In the poem,
- I would change inside to insides in the second line.
- In the last line I would add 'will' to read: Seven glasses given, then peace you will feel.

I loved the uniqueness and deep truth you gave us, thank you again for sharing!

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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Review of The Lighthouse  
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Masterofthesea

My Thoughts:

This poem runs the gauntlet of emotion. Beginning with such brightness, and ending with darkness. Yet, it flows well, and the transition between the two was smooth and seamless.

My Favorite Part:

I like how you almost personify the lighthouse, lines like: Tall and strong, elegant and proud. And: Its warmth is safe and tender. It gives the feeling that the light house is like a lover, holding you in the dark, using his light to keep the night at bay.

My Suggestions:

In the second line I would change 'a way' to 'the way' A way feels too vague, like it could be any way. But, the way sounds more sure, a solid destination. Thank you for sharing such a lovely poem!

Thank you,

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Review of My First Deer  
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello upper2

My Thoughts:

This is an interesting little snippet of your life. I believe sharing personal stories is always more difficult. I would have a hard time writing about myself, but I think you pulled this one off really well.

My Favorite Part:

I liked the level of humor you were able to add to this story. Being a hunt, it could have had many different, more serious flavors, but you were able to keep it light hearted and still add a dash of suspense as we waited to see if you would bag your deer or not. I also liked the little twist at the end, that the deer was in truth a buck. I don't know much about hunting, but I do know bucks are better.

My Suggestions:

One thing I would change is just go through and italicize internal thoughts. An example would be: You blew it buddy - the deer will be gone!

Thank you,

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WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
by Maryann


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