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849 Public Reviews Given
1,002 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I usually love reviewing. I will try to be honest about any plothole or the language issues I find.
I'm good at...
Poetry and all kind of fiction.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Emotional.
Least Favorite Genres
Nil
Favorite Item Types
Poems, Short Stories and Novels.
Least Favorite Item Types
Non-fiction.
Public Reviews
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151
151
Review of Death at the Door  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*StarY* Welcome to WDC from all of us at "Invalid Item"  and "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  *StarY*
*CoffeeBl* Join us for some coffee and conversation in the "Invalid Item"  *CoffeeBl*


Hey, JoshJ . First of all, a very warm welcome to WDC. I am dropping by with a review for you on behalf of "Invalid Item" . Please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Plot

Wow, what a chilling story! I could really see the death and fear in the story. I dn't know what contest it was written for but it is amazing to see how you showed the act. The arrival of death, the man's cluelessness about his own death and the visuals created by the touch of death--all were truly beautiful to read.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Character

Johnson and Death, both are shown in their character. Johnson is shown as a hapy-go-lucky kind of person, while death is shown to have a sense of humor. I sometimes wonder, does death really have that sort of sense of humor? Maybe, it laughs at us humans when he sees us not expecting it coming to knock at our doors.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Description

This was my favorite section in your story. Description of the story can make or break the story; your description brings the story to life, especially death. You incorporated almost all the five sense in personifying the death in the house.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Language and Grammar

Most of the piece is polished. I just have few small suggestions. My first and the most important observation in the story is the use of word "that". I understand it is necessary to use that at many places, but there are places where this word only adds to the word count. I will give you an example from your piece. looking at the pictures that were framed and hanging on the wall. can be reworded as looking at framed pictures hanging on the wall. This is just a small example. In my observation, most of the time, the use of word "that" only hinders the flow and increases the word count. Do check out its usage;you will see changing the sentence structure a bit will help you in saving the words you need for the story.

Also, there is one usage of question tag in the story. You don’t know why I am here do you? A comma should be placed here before "do" to separate the tag from the sentence.

Apart from this, the story was more or less perfect.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Favorites and Not-so-favorites

I totally loved the description of impact of Death in the room. The impact on refrigerator, the picture-glass, the sulfur smell, all was excellently woven.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Other thoughts and Suggestions

Thank you for sharing this story. It was a pleasure to read the story.

Keep Writing!

Part of Your Shower SAJ image by Missy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
152
152
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey, Oldwarrior . I am here with a review on behalf of "P.E.N.C.I.L." . Please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Plot

Finally the characters meet. The chapters shows how Eoin arrives with Kayle and Caitlin. Also, it brings the detectives together with scientist. I must say that was done smoothly. You brought the team together and also the ants are suspected now.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Character

Whole lot of previous characters showed up. The only thing I felt was Caitlin and Jake were too passive. During the whole fire-ant conversation, they are not shown at all. And then there is an abrupt mention of Jake gazing at Caitlin in the end. I think you need to show Caitlin's reaction too. I hope this has been covered in next chapter, else you need to add this. I will point this out again if I feel it has not been touched in later chapters.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Description

Sufficient description for the chapter but my issue is same as the previous chapter. The helping verbs weaken your descriptions and make the chapter seem a bit of passive. There are descriptions but they get buried under the helping verbs. This is one thing you need to take care in future rewrites.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Language and Grammar

More or less well-edited. Few minor corrections are mentioned in the dropnote.
Detailed Edit Points ▼

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Favorites and Not-so-favorites

Nothing stands out individually, though the chapter as a whole is interesting.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Other thoughts and Suggestions

The story is able to keep the readers hooked because by glimpses of "fire-ants" I think I am getting a bit "gory" as I want to see the confrontation. I am so very tempted to read the last chapter first.

Keep Writing! *Thumbsup*

The Pursuit of Excellence: Novel Critiquing and Improvement League. Click image for more!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
153
153
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey, druid . First of all let me wish you a very happy anniversary month. I am here with a review of this chapter on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . Please note that these are my views s a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.


*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Plot

This chapter has popped up so many times on the list of to be read items that I decided to finally do a review. I am also trying to understand the nuances of online relationships to write a poem on "Strange Love". I decided to go through the first chapter that came to my mind and it was yours.

The story shows Ru, who loved Myra once, and then they broke up. Ten year passes and Myra calls again to re-initiate and probably take the relation forward. The only thing I did not get was the exact reason for the break-up which might appear in the later chapters.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Character

Ru is shown as a person who likes his work initially and then adopts it as a medium to cope up with his break-up from Myra. He lives alone. Myra is a bit less shown, but she has a family and she loves him.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Description

Not much description but it is sufficient for the chapters. I did not feel like I missed something.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Language and Grammar


I am not an expert in this area, but I will tell you what I feel. Most of the chapter runs in "-ing" verbs. I understand that they are used to create the effect but there are places where they were not necessary. For example, in the sentence tears pouring down my face, barely seeing myself in the bathroom mirror I faced the use of "-ing" verbs does not create the desired effect, though I must acknowledge it gives the prose a lyrical quality.
I will leave it at your better judgement to decide if that was what you were looking for. These instances are not marked in the detailed edits as I was in doubt whether or not, they are deliberate.

Apart from the above point, the chapter is mostly well-edited. There are a few comma errors which I have highlighted in the following dropnote:

Detailed Edits ▼

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Favorites and Not-so-favorites

I loved the storyline. I have always been awed by the power of internet-relationships and this story explores one of my favorite topics.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Other thoughts and Suggestions


If you have the rest of the chapters here, I will probably like to go through them as well. It will be fascinating know.

Thanks for sharing the story.

Keep Writing! *Thumbsup*





** Image ID #1929855 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
154
154
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey, Oldwarrior . I'm back with a review on behalf of "P.E.N.C.I.L." . Please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Plot

Finally, the queen ant arrives. Though since I knew it is about I could get it, else I would have never guessed that the "she" is an ant. Otherwise a beautifully mysterious and chilling chapter. The last object you want to show is mobile phone, right?

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Character

The only character displayed here is "She". We don't know anything about it, though it has quite developed feelings. I mean the way she is shown caring about her sister and worried about the workers shows the thought process above animalistic. Was that what you were aiming at?

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Description

Sufficient to suit the chapter. I wonder how much research you had to do to find all the parts and pieces of what makes an ant.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Language and Grammar


The chapter is mostly well-edited. There are two major points I need to bring to your notice.

1) I understand it is important to explain the words like strigil but since the POV is of the ant, reading the description makes the line awkward.Such definition looks forced in between. It would be better if you could define it in an alternative way. Also the ants call them by this name or these are human names? It is mixture of too many points.

2) Also you need to vary the sentence structure. Almost every sentence begins with "she was...". It is an introductory chapter, but not everything need to be told in this manner. As I said in previous chapters too, stronger verbs can make the chapter more interesting and forceful.


*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Favorites and Not-so-favorites

The mystery introduced in this chapter is beautiful,

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Other thoughts and Suggestions

It is an interesting chapter and now I'm wondering which characters are actually going to tackle it or if these characters are introduced yet or not.

I will drop by the next review soon.

The Pursuit of Excellence: Novel Critiquing and Improvement League. Click image for more!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
155
155
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey Oldwarrior . Sorry for the delay in this review. Office had been crazy lately. Before I begin my review, please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Plot

The chapter adds another new tangent and whole new set of characters are introduced. It shows a church which follows "too-much of religion to the people. The church is under suspicion. The scene shows two people who were tied to trees for self--penance and have vanished. The detectives are trying to find out what happens to them.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Character

so far, the story has shown many characters all of which are yet to tie up in a sequence. I'm not even sure whether they appear all in the story or not. I will comment if any detail description is needed for these characters in the later chapters, but for now the characters are shown in the elements. I loved the Deputy/. Huck is also good. Beth is shown as a brain-washed character and then, there is the minister himself who is left hanging between the evil and good.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Description

The chapter has sufficient description to match the pace of the story.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Language and Grammar


This chapter is well-edited. There are not major issues. The only major problem I found with the language is it is too passive. I'm not saying it is a bad thing or good but you can use stronger verbs to make the passages more glorified. Rest depends on what you want from the story, but there are too many was/were/had in the story. Whenever you are planning to rewrite the story, do check my suggestion. I'm sure it can be done, though I am also not well-versed with this art. I am also learning to cut these words from my writing.


1) His real name was Albert Byron Decker, a con-artist and petty criminal with a lengthy history of fraud and theft. This phrase has been used twice. It will be better if you use some other way to express this. Probably, several cases are filed in their records or something like that.

2) The tall FBI Agent carefully studied Moses’ angry face. “We received a call from a family member who said their daughter was being held in your camp against her will.” It is not clear if this was the only reason they came to the premises or they came because of the broken chains or pastor himself called him. I mean they should have asked why he did not report missing persons if he had not called them.


3) “What about thesethose two?”

4) “They were among my first recruits,” Moses snorted. “Devout, full of the Holy Spirit, and highly respected members of the church.’ Double inverted commas needed here.


5) “Ten minutes. They are on Old Richards Road near the cutoff trail leading to the camp now.” The sentence needs commas to break up the clauses.


*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Favorites and Not-so-favorites

My favorite was the subtle descriptions you used in the chapters like the nosiness of sheriff. What I did not like was the missing horror in the congregation about the grisly scene. I mean there should have been worry and horror over them but it is not shown in the chapter.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Other thoughts and Suggestions

I am waiting for the ants to finally make an appearance. *Smile*
Thank you for sharing this chapter.

The Pursuit of Excellence: Novel Critiquing and Improvement League. Click image for more!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
156
156
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH . I am here with a review of this poem on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's raid. Please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Imagery Created

I wanted to do all the story reviews this time in raid. Every time, I veer off to poetry, but then I read the title which reeled me in. I wanted to know what the reflections will reveal. And I was not disappointed. The poem painted beautiful picture of reflection seen in water. I could see the trees and the birds and the whole scene of autumn you presented.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Language, grammar and form

My only reaction was WOW. Every word, every fragment of sentence added to the sense of serene scene you created through your words. I never used Old English in my poems but while reading this, it flowed with the effect. In fact it enhanced the effect the poem was creating transporting me to a peaceful time.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Punctuation

There were two sections where I felt the punctuation was missed. I will highlight them in next few lines, but poetry depends on one's personal perception. My views might change the meaning what you wanted to convey.

*Quill* Alongside them, a sprinkle of deciduous hardwoods adorned by ~ I think a comma is needed here after hardwoods to bring the subject and verb together.

*Quill*to other places
different spaces ~ A punctuation mark is needed here after places to break the two clauses. Colon, comma or semicolon, all three can do but something is needed here to break the sentences in between.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Favorites and Not-so-Favorites

Well, it is difficult to select my favorite through these lines. They are all truly beautiful that they touch a chord in my heart. But the ending is superb. the currents' striped ripples, percolate an image intensely warped in its own reflective urgency,
as life begins again. It left me with a smile.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Other thoughts and suggestions

After reading your newsletters, I always thought that you write comedy. This poem was a pleasant treat. Thank you for writing such beautiful words.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
157
157
Review of Crux  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey, Kartesius . First of all let me wish you a very happy anniversary month. I am here with a review of this short story on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's raid. Please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Plot

In author's note you have mentioned that this is a short story, but it looked more like a beginning of a bigger story. I did not feel it ended completely with the end. It felt like a scene painted, though I must say that the scene you showed through this writing was vivid and chilling. The story shows a man in a room with a dead body of a female. Both of them are nude but he does not remember anything. He leaves the room with a certain pair of eyes and the dead body haunting his mind.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Character

You have not given any name to the protagonist, but he is shown as confused, afraid and sorry for the murder. It is not indicated why he murdered the lady or if he murdered the lady. I don't know if it was your intention or not, but absence of the name made me feel that the protagonist did not remember his name as well.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Description

You have used good description to indicate the darkness of the room and the confusion of your protagonist. Every paragraph added to the eeriness of the scene.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Language and Grammar

There are many small mistakes in the piece. I think it needs a look with a fresh eye to remove those mistakes. I will highlight them as best as I can, but I'm not an expert.

1) The room was illumited~ There is a small typo in the spelling of illuminated.

2) looking for it's next prey ~ This is one error which is scattered in the piece. The correct word here will be "its" which is a possessive pronoun. "It's" is a short form of "it is" and hence, incorrect in the present sentence.

3) It's back was silhouetted ~ It should be "its".

4) His nude form stood in the darkness for an instant more. ~ This sentence implies the change in POV. The whole piece talks from the POV of the man. But this sentence looked like a third person POV of some other person, or a universal author.

5) snatching it off of the floor, it saturated with blood almost instantly. ~ This sentence flows in direct continuation with the previous sentence which makes reading it jarred. It can be written more clearly to provide a better picture.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Favorites and Not-so-favorites

I enjoyed the first paragraph most as it creates the setting beautifully.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Other thoughts and Suggestions

You have left me wanting to know what had happened and what more is going to happen. So, I will say the scene is intriguing.

Thank you for sharing this piece.

Keep Writing! *Thumbsup*

** Image ID #1929855 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
158
158
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Oldwarrior . I'm back with a review on behalf of "P.E.N.C.I.L." . Please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Plot

Chapter 3
In the second and third para, the drinking problem of Billy and his incompetence should be interchanged. I mean he was incompetent, still he joined this job because he needed the money to pay the bills. It is just the matter of sequencing.

Otherwise there was no problem with Chapter three.

Chapter 4
Equally interesting. You have kept me hooked to the chapter. I have a slight hesitation, how did she destroy the egg? If it is that big an egg, should it be mentioned how Tapitha destroyed it?

Apart from this minor issue, I did not find any loopholes in the plot.


*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Character

Chapter 3
Billy is shown as a work-shirker and drunkard. His character is not portrayed in detail but is sufficient for the chapter.

Chapter 4
Tapitha and Jacob are introduced here. Both are well-introduced so as to make a connection between them.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Description

Chapter 3
Not much description included but since this is a inbetweenie sort of chapter, it is sufficient.

Chapter 4
The chapters lack in description. It feels like I'm reading through the chapter rather than seeing it. Though you have built the scene well, I do not get to see the characters in action. Whenever you are working on rewrite, this is one are you need to take care of.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Language and Grammar


These are well-written chapters. There were only few observations which are marked in the following drop-notes.

Chapter 3 Line Edits ▼


Chapter 4 Edit Points ▼

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Favorites and Not-so-favorites

The build up of the story. I am enjoying it a lot.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Other thoughts and Suggestions

I have not seen "Them" yet. I was wondering if the story follows the similar line to it? Or is it changed?

I will move on to the next chapters soon. Till then, keep writing!

** Image ID #1918829 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
159
159
Review of Scizhophrenia  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi tinyteddy99 . I found your item in "Read a Newbie" page. Before I begin my review, please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

I loved the poem, the way you paraphrased the darkness hidden in her mind. It touched heart in a way, especially the beginning paragraph which was my favorite in the poem.

Suggestions

The poem varies in tense throughout. The first stanza starts with the past tense which changes to present in the third para and then back to past in fifth stanza.

Other thoughts

I did not get the meaning of the last sentence, who "you"was supposed to be in this. Otherwise, I enjoyed the poem. Thank you for sharing your work.

Keep Writing! *Thumbsup*



** Image ID #1929855 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
160
160
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi AnnMarie Patson . I found your item in "Read a Newbie". Before I begin my review, please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

Initial Reaction

The poem talks about the chaos created by self-doubt and insecurity in out minds. We all suffer from these at one or the other time.

Suggestions

The only suggestion I have is that the poem is too short. I do not have anything against short poems as such, just that this poem left me feeling there should be something more.

Other thoughts

The best part about the poem were the internal rhymes included in most of the sentences. That made the flow of the poem more amazing. Thank you for sharing this poem.

Keep Writing *Thumbsup*

** Image ID #1929855 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
161
161
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Oldwarrior . I'm back with the review of chapter two on behalf of "P.E.N.C.I.L." . Please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Plot

The chapter explains the journey of eggs. You have me fiercely interested in knowing what kind of eggs are these. No particular plot-holes found.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Character

I loved Cailin and Eoin and Kayla are also developed enough for the scene. Honestly speaking, I enjoyed the interaction between them which clearly showed the love and affection between them.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Description

I do not have any complaint in this chapter. The descriptions were sufficient to suit the pace. There were no open ends or overhangs here.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Language and Grammar


LINE EDITS DROPNOTE ▼

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Favorites and Not-so-favorites

I loved the name "Popper" and the slow building of the story. I know the basic idea is going to be eggs but you have done a great job in building the excitement.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Other thoughts and Suggestions

I was so tempted to jump over to the next chapter without finishing the review first. I will soon move on to it. Till then, keep writing.

The Pursuit of Excellence: Novel Critiquing and Improvement League. Click image for more!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
162
162
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Oldwarrior . I'm reviewing this chapter on behalf of "P.E.N.C.I.L." . Before I begin my review, please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Plot

The chapter talks about Doctor Yoshida discovering pre-historic eggs in Antartica during one of his expedition. I found it fascinating. As I told you earlier, I have not seen the movie "Them", but the chapter kept me interested to make me turn the page to read the next chapter and know about eggs. There were few sections which contradicted like~

1) Doctor Yoshida was renowned scientist who was revered. Still, he was unable to afford transportation to McMurdo Station. The reader need to understand the why of this. Since you have given a special emphasis on this fact the reader needs to know whether it was becasue of accessibility or because of long distance travel or was it because of age of Doctor which did not permit the travel in the bitter wind.

2) I was not able to visualize the drilling procedure. As far as I understand drilling, drilling for the old ice is not done in a single go, instead the samples are taken and dumped and then it is further drilled. I might be wrong but this is what I remember from my science class. Now, the story says the placing of seven pipes of the material but I never got whether they are from the same sample or from two or three different locations. Sorry, but being a science student made me curious to know this. I went through the para twice to understand what was happening but could not get it.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Character

Yoshida is the main character here who has been portrayed as a work obsessed scientist who really enjoys his work. The character is strong but I do not get to see the character completely. I get to see the surroundings and the ice procedure and the eggs but not the character. That is not necessarily a bad thing if he makes an appearance only for this chapter. But if somehow, he has to play some other important role, then he needs more descriptions. I will get back to this point once I go through the rest of the chapters.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Description

That is where this chapters stalls, I am able to read everything but not see anything. I cannot taste the confusion and the excitement in the chapter. The story in itself is very interesting, but adding that seeing part can add a third dimension to it. Especially the McMurdo Station which remains a black hole for me.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Language and Grammar

I am not an expert in this area, but I will try to point out the sections to the best of my abilities.
I will like to give few general observation before I start the detail comments. One basic mistake throughout the chapter is in direct address of Doctor. Direct address should precede or follow with the comma but it is missed in most of the places in the chapter. I will mark out the specific points in the detailed comments but you need to be careful about this.

Also there are places which can do without the use of helping verbs. I will suggest that while rewriting, be special careful about the use of "would" and "was". There are places in the story where these can be changed into the simple past tense, making the reader more involved in the activities.

Detailed Edit-Points ▼

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Favorites and Not-so-favorites

Well there are many favorite. I loved the details of science sprinkled throughout the story which made the story real for me. I will still like to feel more descriptions in the story though. This is only 2100 words. I'm sure you can manage a bit more three or four hundred words to describe everything better.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Other thoughts and Suggestions

I just have one more small suggestion. You need to give empty space between the paragraphs to facilitate the reading. Currently, absence of white space make it look cramped.
I enjoyed reading through the story. I will move on to the next chapter soon.

Keep Writing! *Thumbsup*

** Image ID #1918829 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
163
163
Review of Is that me?  
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hey SooNami . Welcome to WDC. I'm reviewing this piece on behalf of "Invalid Item"  and "Newbie Welcome Wagon" . Before I begin my review, please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

Since you asked specifically about the story, I am forgoing the usual review template. The story of a single girl who has insecurity complex-- well who doesn't want to read it? This feels like a chicklit, but I always enjoy the humor and a good story. So, yes I would say I wish to read more about what is going to happen.

This piece in itself needs some work with respect to the formatting and the grammar sections but I think the humor in the story would appeal to the reader.

Overall, a strong voice is used in the story. That is what I enjoyed the most about it.

Thank you for sharing your work.

Keep Writing! *Thumbsup*

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164
Review of Patience  
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi Marci Missing Everyone . Welcome to WDC. I'm reviewing this item on behalf of "Invalid Item"  and "Newbie Welcome Wagon" . Before I begin my review please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Imagery Created

The poem is good, but the imagery used in the poem is not that strong to reel me in. There are few discrepancies in the imagery, like the speaker of the poem things that praying to God for patience is a scary, yet she prays in the last stanza. Apart from this, I believe what this poem needs is more concreteness. But poetry is a personal thing. Its appeal and definition varies from person to person.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Language, grammar and form

You have followed no definite syllable count, but the rhymes you have used flows smoothly except for one point between "upset" and "bit" which do not rhyme as per my pronunciation. Also, I did not get the meaning of last sentence of the poem. For patience more than anything leads in my life. This line is missing something.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Punctuation

I understand and usually do not mind the missing end punctuation marks, but the punctuation in the mid of the lines should not be ignored. Like I guess it is missed in the sentence mentioned above. Also the sentence Patience is a virtue we know it’s true needs a punctuation mark between virtue and we.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Favorites and Not-so-Favorites

I enjoyed the second-last para the most which talks about the tribulations of being wife and mother. I'm sure every woman with agree with the need of patience in these roles.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Other thoughts and suggestions

If at any point you feel my comments are not clear, you can drop me a mail. Thank you for sharing your work. Welcome once again.

Keep Writing! *Thumbsup*

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165
165
Review of Veil  
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



Hey Eliza James . First of all, let me wish you a very warm welcome from WDC. Before I begin my review please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

A nice poem which captures the pain of eroding of dreams and past memories. The images painted in the poem are nice and they flow seamlessly from one place to another. I just felt that the poem is too small and has a scope of more expansion. What I enjoyed the most in the poem is the small rhyme that you have incorporated and the refrain introduced in the poem. The only thing I did not like was the repetition of the word "fade" which did not go with the whole format of the poem used.

Thank you sharing this poem. Hope you write more of such gems.

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166
166
Review of A Flow of Honey  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi weeza . I found your item in "The Kiwi Review Challenge! - closed" . Before I begin my review please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Plot

I have read the story twice to understand it, but I'm not sure I still completely understand it. The story jumps between past and present too many times for my mind to process it that fast. But as far as I understand the story is about Audrey who has been called to hospital as her husband is critically ill. She should feel guilty, but she feels elated because she believes fate is guiding her on the right path.

Now there are points where I struggled. The one such point is the importance of the character "Mae". She is the best friend of Audrey, that is true but the end sentence which says that "Perhaps Mae had discovered the eternal freedom" left me confused as to what happened to her. I might be missing something.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Character


The only character I found well-developed was Audrey whose indecision and doubts are made clear. Colin is also somewhat developed, esp his philosophy about fate. Mae and David as I said are not very developed and not very relevant to the current piece unless you want to develop into a novel of sorts. If you are planning to enhance this into a longer piece, then only they will add the dimension to the character of Audrey. For now, they just feel like accessory.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Description

That is the strongest point of your story. The way you described the place and the honey analogy warmed my heart. The distortion by rain and life was also interesting to read.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Language and Grammar

I am not giving a detailed edit points here but few basic observations~

1) Each dialogue from a character should form one paragraph for clarity. This is better explained in the newsletter " Newsletter (Spare)" . This won't change the story but will make it easier to read.

2) You have used two variations of the name "Peterson". You may want to decide on one and stick to it throughout.

3) This is not a mistake but a lesson which was recently taught to me. You have used "was" in many places in the story. Most of the places can do with a stronger verb. It will enhance the story but as I said I'm also trying to incorporate it in my writing.

4) Also while giving a direct address, there should be a comma before the name. This link can explain the nuances of the uses of comma in such scenarios. It has helped me learn a lot. I hope these would help you too.
http://www.grammarerrors.com/punctuation/commas-in...

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Favorites and Not-so-favorites

My favorite would be the paragraph wherein you explained the rain and the distorted path which life of Audrey had taken. What I did not like was the absence of shock when Audrey sees her husband . Yo have mentioned that she collapsed but the conversation she had with Doctor and the reaction she is having while seeing her husband in ICU is somewhat unexpected. I mean even if she feels relieved, the first impression would always be shock. Slowly, it can be replaced with elation but that shock is not very well developed.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Other thoughts and Suggestions

The story has a potential to be developed further into a longer piece but you would have to flesh out the characters more for that. In case any of my comments is not clear or wrong, do not hesitate to write a mail. It would be a learning process for me too. Also in case you plan to revise the story and enhance it to something bigger, I would like to read what happened with Mae.

Thank you for sharing the story.

Keep Writing! *Thumbsup*

A handle gifted by Fal.


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167
167
In affiliation with Blogging Circle of Friends  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey Princess Zelda . Look what I found. An Easter egg!!!

This is my first Easter egg of my life so well, it should be a special one.

Very cute C-notes. The name of the shop complements your contest too. The designs are good, as is the font which goes with the design. My favorite C-note is in the Thank you C-note which shows the red butterfly. Also the C-notes are quite affordable.

I hope you keep on adding for the other emotions as well.

Keep Smiling.

** Image ID #1901869 Unavailable **



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168
168
Review of Get Echo Query  
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi there Amber Kuhlman . Welcome to WDC. Before I begin my review, please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

Plot
Get Echo sounds like an interesting romance story. Well, I know you have not mentioned romance anywhere but I always add romance to any unknown plot. AS per me, the plot is Echo starts taking drug when she loses her parents. One day, she meets with an accident and is sentenced to a rehabilitation center where she rediscovers her life along with the Doctor and the staff of the hospital.

Grammar and Language
The plot is interesting enough to capture and interest me into reading it. Grammatically, I have a few suggestions to add~

1) Attending a party months after her parents tragic demise, Echo is raped and pushed over the edge, resorting to her only outlet, a 'bad boy' she meets named David Nash. ~ I did not understand the meaning of this sentence. Neither does this sentence go with the accident sentence. I think you need to simplify this sentence either by shortening it, or by rewriting it.

2) nothing to take for granted. ~ Instead of "to take", the better phrase would be "to be taken".

3) Throughout the novel~ This phrase did not seem right to me. I have not written the query letter, but this is not a phrase I would usually see on the blurb of a book. Probably, "As the novel unfolds" or some phrase like this would suit the sentence better.

Other thoughts and suggestions
First story in the middle school, eh? You must have been writing for a long, long time. Wish you all the best for the contest.

Keep Writing! *Thumbsup*

** Image ID #1774078 Unavailable **


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169
169
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey Angus . I found this story under "Invalid Item"  in the nominations for the short story. Congratulations on being selected for the Quill Awards. Before I begin my review, please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Plot

What a funny story. Your muse is on strike and still you have written this amazing piece. I had a discussion with my friend few days back that muses are mostly females. But, here you proved me wrong. Your muse is male as well. The story flowed perfectly well. The only thing I did not get was the discussion about poster of Seamus. What exactly did you mean by the sentence that "You know he's just here for the food," But I think this is because of difference in our cultures. I would love if you can explain this to me.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Characters and Description

Quex seems like a dominating and dissipated muse. As a muse, he is clearly described in the story. The description is also sufficient to go with the story.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Language and Grammar

Mostly the piece is well-polished. I only found a few punctuation issues in the story, otherwise the story was perfect.
1) when he walked in the living room I noticed he didn't ~ The sentence needs a comma after the room to give the much deserving break in the story.
2) while back in-wait a minute~ I don't think the usage of hyphen here is correct. What you need in this sentence is ellipsis to indicate the pause in the sentence. Here is the quick link informing about it. http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/ellipsis.aspx...
3) Sometimes I worried about our-sorry-his sanity Here also the usage of hyphen is not correct. What I think is you wanted to use an em dash here, which would have been equally wrong. The sentence would do fine with commas in place of hyphens.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Favorites and Not-so-favorites

Well, there are many favorites throughout the story, but my ultimate favorite is this sentence.
I couldn't think of the words to convey the feelings of utter astonishment, anger, contempt, bewilderment, hatred, confusion, resentment, asperity and virulence that I had at the words he'd just spoken. I was laughing out loud after reading how many synonyms you have used to highlight your point.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Other thoughts and Suggestions

A very beautiful story. Thanks a lot for sharing it. Wish you all the best for award.

Keep Writing!! *Thumbsup*

WDC Contestants Power Raid


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170
170
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Sum1 . Congratulations on the nomination of "The Jester Created"  in 1 "Invalid Item"  under YA section. This is WDC Power Raid Review. Before I begin my review, please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Imagery Created

Telling a story in a poem is difficult, and telling it in rhymes is more difficult. But this poem shows it beautifully. The poem flows smoothly from one scene to another without any jarring.It tells the story of a boy whose father bargained with Satan for his life, and an angel ascended from heaven to help him grow better.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Language, grammar and form

The poem is polished and I did not find anything major which distracts from the story it tells. I found all the rhymes smooth while reading the poem aloud. I just have two tiny suggestion and that's me being nit-picky.

To teach you how to bring other’s happiness. ~ The sentence is fine grammatically and language wise, but somehow reading "giving other's happiness" as a part of conversation made it a bit awkward. I cannot pin-point it exactly what is the issue here, but I think "bring" doesn't sound right in the sentence. "Return" and "give" both I can understand but the phrase "bring other's happiness" does not convey the right meaning. But maybe it is me only.

Til then ~ I think this is a typo and you meant "Till" here.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Punctuation

The punctuation in the poem is perfect except for one small thing.
Though the sentence “Well, he didn’t know his mind wasn’t level. is correct currently, I was wondering that if there is a a comma or a period missed between know and his. I think this is the perfect case of how punctuation would change the meaning of the sentence.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Favorites and Not-so-Favorites

My favorites lines are As usual, Satan didn’t keep his word,
Thought he’d get two souls, the agreement he blurred. because they show the devious nature of the Satan quite well.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Other thoughts and suggestions

I am glad I got to read this poem. Wish you all the best for the award.

Keep Writing! *Thumbsup*

WDC Contestants Power Raid


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171
171
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi Keaton Foster: Know My Hell! . First of all let me take this opportunity to congratulate you on completing five years on WDC. Also, congratulations on being selected for Quill Awards. I found this in the sections of best poetry collection in "Invalid Item" .

I am a fellow nominee along with you in this category. But after seeing it, I know what a collection should look like. I never thought about writing a poem for the reason I write. Yours is a much well-organized collection. *Smile*

Now to the review. The poem indicates why you write and what do you expect people to take when they enter this portfolio. What I loved the most was picture of the fortune teller which is in the header section.

For the poem, I just have a small suggestion.

Those that listen to my voice
Those that hear my calls ~ In these lines since you are talking about your readers the usage of "that" is not correct. It should be "who" in place of "that". Otherwise the poem shows that your are the poet first and foremost who wants to gift his words to the world.

I see that most of your poem are categorized under same header of adult, drama and experience. But all of these poems are not in the adult category. Some are more into the category of relationship while some more into romance and dark category. This left me wondering if you selected this as a standard genre for the poems you are writing? If yes, then, you are depriving your readers who search the poems by genre, rather than by the poets.

In the end , I would like to say that my words are meant as a way to encourage and help, and not to offend in any manner.

I wish you all the best for the award.

Keep Writing! *Thumbsup*

WDC Contestants Power Raid


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172
172
Review of Words  
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hey romanrodriguez1 . Welcome to WDC. I found your poem in the "Invalid Item" . Before I begin my review, please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

I think the poem conveys the message quite well. It will tell your beloved how much you miss him. *Smile*
I am sure he would appreciate your emotions as much as I can as a reader.

The only suggestions I would like to add in the poem is in the second sentence. Most of the lines you have written what you would have done had you been with him, but this sentence does not include him. I would have written "dancing with you along a gentle tune."

Also, I felt the words "to hold against your own" a bit out of sync. But that could be only because I have never heard the phrase holding the lips against one.

Apart from these, I do not have any further things to add. This poem is powerful enough to convey the yearning you wish to convey, though I would not label it as gay/lesbian because I could not find any reason for the poem alluding to i. You might have written it for your boyfriend, but this poem is more about love and romance, distance and relationship than about gay/lesbian part. But that is entirely your wish.

I hope you will write more and use this site after the Valentine's Day as well. *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing!! *Thumbsup*

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173
173
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hey Sorix Dragonwing . Welcome to WDC. Before I begin my review, please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

First Impression

A rejection by someone who cares for us, but is not ever to understand us always hankers like a thorn. We might achieve everything but it always stays in our mind. Your poem expresses that helplessness quite well. It shows the belief in yourself, yet the need to make that person understand.

Suggestions

1) Most of the poem flows in past tense, but there are places where you have used present tense in between. It distracts and dilutes the meaning you want to convey in the lines. For example Rooted as you've It should be "you had" in place of "you have"

2) I was still were I I think you meant "where" here, in place of the verb "were" you have used here. You may wish to cross-check this.

Favorite lines
The ending two lines. I totally loved the reference of black sheep and eternal sleep idea. *Smile*

Thank you writing and sharing this poem.

Keep Writing *Thumbsup*

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174
174
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



Hey BecomingZion . First of all, a very warm welcome to WDC community. Before I begin my review, please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

This is quite a short piece to be labelled as essay. It looks more like a quote or thought which is written for the reference as you have labelled it. *Smile*

The sentiment is admirable though. Everybody wants to find that balance between the selflessness and self-love, between the complete surrender and the need to hold our own identity. But then, extreme of everything is bad, we always need to select a midway. Honestly speaking, I stopped caring about what people think of me a long time back. We really cannot make everyone happy.

As far as language and grammar go, I think you need to edit the following sentence~
I desire for them ~ "For" seems extra here. The sentence will flow freely without four as well.

Also, you have used four dashes in the sentence, which can easily be replaced by commas and make the sentence look more simple.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Do add some more things to your port.


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175
175
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi there R.A. Burns . First of all, let me extend a warm welcome to you. Before I begin my review please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Plot

The story unfolds in the Manhattan, Hell's Kitchen and Brooklyn area, where in the protagonist is a child of eight year old. He lives in poverty and is beaten by his father when he leaves his home, and embark to make his destiny in Brooklyn. The only issue I found was with the age and year co-ordination in the plot. The child you said is eight year and is being beaten by the father for three years. Well, this is entirely plausible, but a child to remember exactly how many ears it has been, you need to place a jagged memory. May be he was first beaten on his birthday or something like that. Else a five year old child would not be able to keep in mind, when his beatings started. But then, you can again say it has been going on for many years.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Character

The character is well-developed. I could feel the compassion for the boy as he struggled to find some rebellion from his mother.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Description

This piece lacks a bit in description area. I mean to connect to a character I need to feel how he felt betrayed when his own mother abandoned him to his father, or how he felt the fear trickling down his back while going home as he had not earned enough. A bit of more detailing will add another dimension to the story.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Language and Grammar

I see that you have used the dialect in the story. I have never been able to use one till date. It's a sort of weakness of mine, as I do not have ear for dialects. But then, this can be because of the reason that English is my second language. The major issue I found was that you have used many "-ing" verbs in the beginning, especially second and third para. It broke my reading due to the constant repetition. Also, it felt unnecessary to use them in the beginning of the sentence. Also in your dialect, you have used "da" for the too and for father too. As I said dialects has never been my specialty, but you might want to check on it.

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Favorites and Not-so-favorites

The use of dialect and the way you have shown spunk in the child who was so badly abused touched my heart. *Smile*

*Vine1**FlowerR**Vine2*
Other thoughts and Suggestions

I'm not sure how the story is going to progress, or why you have named this chapter "The King" while the name of your protagonist is "Spot", but I'm sure these things will be evident in subsequent chapters. Do write more of such chapter. Thank you fr sharing this.

Keep Writing! *Thumbsup*

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