Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈's (mathguy) Reviews

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

So, I REALLY liked the plot for this story. I love stories with a twist at the end, and this one delivered. I thought you might have telegraphed the ending a bit too early (see the notes below), but this is a wonderful story. One thing--as I understand it, the current theory is that dark energy will cause the Universe to continue to expand, and eventually it will win out over gravity. So, in the distant future, there are no stars, just random atoms. Eventually, dark energy will even overpower the strong and weak forces, leaving the Universe empty and dark. That's the fate that awaits Mat, assuming he survives long enough.

So...I loved the plot. I liked the characters, too, to the extent I got to meet them. But, and it's a huge but, this story is 100% narrated. It's all telling and no showing. I think you've got a powerful theme and a wonderful idea for a story, but I'd expand on it. It's worth doing.

I'd start the story with the Brothers meeting Mat, maybe touring the ship. They need to SPEAK to him, and he needs to speak to them. We need to see their quarters. Instead of telling us about in narrated form, Mat could express doubts about their trip, about how inhospitable the planet is. That's an opportunity for them to show their faith, in their own words. After all, their faith is the core of the story.

After the accident, I'd like to see some key incidents revealed in conversations between the surviving Brothers and Mat. In particular, when Brother Francis passes, show Mat grieving and show Brother Xavier reassuring him. Show Mat's reaction later, when Brother Xavier passes.

I admit all of this will be tricky, since you can't have Mat in the same room with the Brothers. He has to communicate with them "from the Bridge" via the intercom, or some similar construction. But I think this story will be much more powerful if we come to know these characters through their words and deeds, rather than through a distant, omniscient narrator.

To repeat--this is a fantastic story idea. I love the mix of technology, science, and religion, and the paradoxes that flow from them. The ideas merit a longer story, with a more human touch. That can only increase the emotional impact.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
The advent of faster than light travel and subsequent exploration changed forever the notion that man was alone in the universe. New religious orders sprang up. Others were modified in acceptance of the fact that God had chosen to scatter his people among the stars. One such was a Catholic offshoot, The Church of the Children of God.My Comment: Here you launch into narrating your story. This feels like an author intrusion, where you are telling the reader facts rather than showing.

In the cargo bays were a variety of grains, fruits and vegetables, all highly prized by the people of Kelos. None of Earth’s plants could be grown in Kelos’ foreign environment. Even in their most carefully controlled labs Earth seed would only rot in the soil. My Comment: This made it sound like the people of Kelos were human colonists, but later we learn that they are aliens. I'd be clear at the outset. You might even describe them.

the supplies should sustain the two remaining survivors for the rest of their natural lives.My Comment: The "two remaining survivors" here will reveal to the alert reader that "Mat" is a computer. I think you eliminate "two," and keep the suspense going for a bit longer.

They hoped, God willing, that some day their writings would be discovered and help lead all of God’s people to the Light.My Comment: typo: "someday"--one word.

Still surveying the emptiness and the unchanging stars, Mars Automated Transport AI-2177A prayed, “Father, why hast thou forsaken me.”My Comment: I'd end the story here, without the epilogue. The tension about Mat's identity, and the hopelessness of his condition, dissipates with this beautiful sentence.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

"Invalid Item"

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

327

#3363963

Review of It's Not Even Light Out

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(ASR)
A list of items needing reviewed by the WDC Power Reviewers.
#1325649 by KC under the midnight sun

I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "It's Not Even Light Out"

Author jarlequenne
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
______________________

General Impressions
There is some lovely writing here, and a strong sense of yearning and loss. You left me wanting to know more, which is always a good thing.

______________________

Plot
Angel wakes in bed with a man whose name she cannot recall. She meanders to the window and smokes while she watches the snow fall. She remembers another man, long ago, and her loss. She remembers killing someone today. Her nameless lover wakes, announces his love, and she scorns him.

______________________

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Angel's point of view.

______________________

Referencing
I have to say I'm confused by this. There are hints that Angel might be an assassin, that she might be a cyborg, or perhaps something else. There are hints that London and Chicago have been destroyed. I'm sure that you have a complex back story that underpins this, but it's all pretty obscure right now. Unless this is part of a novel, or series of stories, it seems to me that these various hints get in the way of the main plot. You have a strong theme and story without these: Angel has lost her first love, and now seeks lovers on a random basis. However, all fall short, and so she abandons them. She feels scarred by her past, by her loss, and regrets what she does. She's a strong character, filled with angst and remorse. Readers will identify with her.

______________________

Scene/Setting
You peppered this with lots of details, all in an evanescent style and in Angel's point of view. This is an excellent example of using the setting deepen the readers' connections with your character.

______________________

Characters
This is all about Angel. She's a great character--I really felt drawn to her, and sympathetic with her. However, because I was also confused about her background, and about the world in which she lived, I felt a bit distanced from her as well.

______________________

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. The snippets of dialog were great, including Angel's internal dialog.

Grammar

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

I liked your descriptions and your use of simile and metaphor. It really brought this story to life. However, I noticed that you made extensive use of participles. I'm not a big fan of this construction, since I think it tends to be indirect and to distance the reader from the action. Participles, when used in moderation, can add variety to your sentences, but the key word is "in moderation." In the line-by-line comments below, I picked out a couple of sentences and made suggestions on how these might be be changed for the sake of clarity.

______________________

Just my personal opinion
This is a strong story, and I liked it quite a lot. Angel is an enigma, and one I'd like to know more about. You've put me in her head and made me like her, despite the strong suggestions that there is evil, if not in her heart, then at least in her deeds. That's excellent writing.

However, you've also interlaced the story narrative with numerous flashbacks. While you marked these with an extra line of space, I still found them confusing. Each time you pull the reader away from the present and insert them in the past, you interrupt the fictional dream and pull the reader out of the story. I realize that the flashbacks are integral to your plot, but I wonder if you might find a way to reduce the number, and to more clearly cue the reader when we move from the present to the past?

To repeat: I really liked this story a lot. Your descriptions, in particular, have a haunting beauty. Thank you for sharing!

______________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
______________________
She had lain in the dark for the last three hours, examining the ceiling and listening to the soothing sounds of the city outside the frozen windows. The snow had fallen intermittently, between the shafts of green streetlight glow and into all the dirty little cracks and crevices in the concrete far, far below. She lay unmoving as he tossed and turned, breathing harsh and shallow in his chest, which heaved against the restraint of the blankets he'd tied himself up in. She ought to roll over and shake him awake, whisper calming words in his ear, stroke his hair until whatever haunted him was gone. That's what a good person would do.My Comment: This is a good opening. You put us in the head of your point of view character, and orient the reader in space and time. You've also beautifully drawn the setting. My only minor suggestion is that you NAME your point of view character in the first sentence, instead of delaying until the second paragraph.

Tired of having the blankets jerked from her form and being elbowed and kneed she rolled from the bed, bare feet padding across the cold wooden floor, carrying her to the window. One hand came to rest on the window, metallic "click click click" of her fingertips against the glass, her breath fogging the view yet further.My Comment: I'm not a big fan of participles. I think both of these sentences could be improved by using a more structure. In addition, I'm pretty sure there are some missing commas. I'm usually loathe to make specific suggestions on re-writing, but this once I'd like to make an exception, just to show you the difference. Of course, you might disagree that my suggestion reads with more clarity, in which case you should ignore it.

She tired of his elbows and knees poking at her and of him jerking the blankets away. She rolled from the bed and padded on bare feet across the cold wooden floor to the window. One hand came to rest on the glass, and her fingertips made metallic "click click click" sounds against the pane while her breath fogged the view yet further.

These are (almost) your exact words, but this small revision seems more active to me. I also made a couple of minor changes to avoid repeating "window."

she could hear him groping around behind her,My Comment: Be careful with phrases like "she could hear," "she could see," etc. Usually, it's more immediate and intimate to describe what she heard directly. Since you've put us so effectively in her head, the reader will infer that she heard it. That little step of inference is one of the ways to draw readers into your story.

My Comment: until Jhon had come pounding on their door, made her leave. She'd had no choice.

My Comment: Did you mean "John?"

the flick of a lighter was nothing in the face of the roaring fire of London, the inferno that had consumed Chicago.

My Comment: Maybe I'm slow, but these references are too obscure to make sense to me. Are we in a post-apocalyptic world?
ever twitch of his muscles.My Comment: typo: every twitch

"Then close your eyes."My Comment: what a great last line!!!!

______________________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
"Invalid Item"

328

#3358986

Review of The Empire - Chapter 01

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(ASR)
A list of items needing reviewed by the WDC Power Reviewers.
#1325649 by KC under the midnight sun

I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "The Empire - Chapter 01"

Author Kalinda

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
______________________

General Impressions

______________________

Plot
Kali, an alien aboard a (human) Imperial star ship, is worried about her friend Adrian. He's missed his shift on the bridge, so she uses her telepathic sense to try to find him. Then Bryce, a weapon's specialist, shows up with the information that Adrian is in the brig. Worried about the pernicious security officers, she persuades Bryce to speak to Adrian, who says, "Don't worry." It seems he's been reassigned to the most prestigious vessel in the fleet, but he's declined the posting. There's some more back and forth, Adrian shows a human side, and the mystery of his posting deepens.

______________________

Style and Voice
I'm going to digress for a moment on point of view. If you already know this, I apologize.

This chapter seems to be written with an omniscient narrator who knows what each character senses and thinks. Much great literature has used the omniscient narrator, but this approach is very much out of style today. About 30% of modern fiction uses a first person narrator, and the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses "third person limited." For the latter, in each scene the author picks one character as the "point of view" character. The author relates everything in that scene from the point of view of that character; we know what she hears, sees, smells, and so on. If it's "close" point of view, we also know what the character thinks. But we do NOT know what the other characters see, hear, think, etc. All we can do is infer these things from their words and deeds. The idea is that this approach draws the reader into the point of view character's head and hence into the story.

Most editors today will see an omniscient narrator as "head-hopping" from character to another in a scene. This can be deadly in terms of getting your submission accepted by a commercial publisher. In the line-by-line comments below, I've marked places where the point of view shifts from one character to another.

In this chapter, you have several scenes--some in the bridge and some in the brig. Each little mini-scene needs it's own POV character. I'd think you'd want Kali on the bridge and Adrian in the brig, leaving the reader to learn about Bryce based on his words and deeds and (possibly) on Adrian's and Kali's thoughts.

______________________

Referencing
Lots of references to the future world and how Kali fits into it. Mostly you avoided the dreaded info-dump, but I flagged a couple of places where the story stopped while the author told the reader stuff. It's almost always better to find a way to deliver this kind of information in a dramatic scene, even if it means delaying it until later in the story.

______________________

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging.

______________________

Characters
Kali, a bit of an outcast, eager to please, and grateful to Adrian for his friendship. Adrian, deliberately aloof and a genius. However, we caught of glimpse of his humanity toward the end. Bryce seems to be the loyal-if-flawed sidekick.

______________________

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. The dialog was excellent.

Grammar

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps! [Note that this gives US comma rules, not those for the UK.]

______________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they imagine events along with the author. I've written in more detail on this topic in "Long Musings on Short Stories"

This chapter did a great job of introducing three characters, at least two of whom will likely continue throughout the entire novel. You established mystery, conflict, the basics of your fictional universe, and kept the tension going. There's a pretty good set of hooks to keep the pages turning as well. I think some fine-tuning, especially with respect to point of view, will make this a terrific opening!

______________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
______________________
Why does time seem so slow when you're waiting for something to happen? Was it simply a trick of the mind or was there a dimension you entered, a special mocking place, where time expanded just to drive you crazy?

Ensign Kali Mirren drummed impatient fingers along the edge of the control panel, her fingers occasionally slipping on the rounded edge. The solitude of the bridge was eerie during the night shift. The slight energy hum of various ship systems, normally ignored, magnified in the absence of other noises. She could feel it in her teeth sometimes, annoying little vibrations.My Comment: Openings are critical. They are your first and best chance to draw your readers into your fictional world. Many editors will decide on whether or not to read your submission based only on your opening, sometimes just on your first sentence.

Taken together, these are a pretty good start. You name your point of view character, orient the reader in space and time, and have her doing something--in this case, waiting. However, I'd lead with the second paragraph. There are few better ways to draw readers into your story than to start with your protagonist doing something.

However, the first paragraph consists of the author speaking directly to the reader. Now, you might argue that 100% of a story consists of the author speaking to the reader, but the author's presence is often muted. Your goal is to draw the readers into the story and activate their imaginations, not to speak to them. For example, here, I'd put the questions and thoughts in the first paragraph in Kali's head. Then you've put the READER into Kali's head, firmed up her point of view, and better engaged the reader's imagination. The difference is subtle, but often an important one.

At the edge of her consciousness, she could 'hear' other echoes, the musical thrum of life around her, producing a flowing and ebbing tide of melody.My Comment: Beware of phrases like "she could hear." This filters the sensory information through your character. Usually, it's more immediate and intimate for the readers to describe the sounds (or sights, or sensations) directly. Readers will infer she "heard" them since you've established that we're in her point of view. If you want to emphasize that she heard them, then have her respond in some fashion, perhaps a shiver, for example.

Kali was a humanoid alien from Tellar in Sector 5. She was human enough in all the right places, with only a few minor, internal differences, hardly noticeable unless you were into dissecting bodies or were in the medical profession. With her jet-black hair - cut regulation short for females - sharp grey eyes, thin, athletic build, and black officer's uniform, she seemed like any other Terran woman onboard, apart from the psi abilities, of course.My Comment: This stops the story while the author tells the reader stuff. Is there a way to reveal this without telling? Perhaps something prompts her to think about her heritage?

Whispers of emotions from the rest of the crew licked against her mind like gentle waves, but there was no familiar touch of Adrian's mind. She pushed out further, stretching her abilities, feeling the strain in her mind like a band pulled to its limit and ready to snap.My Comment: lovely writing here!

On the Sedener, there was little scope for their ‘talents’.My Comment: Is "Sedener" the name of the vessel? If so, shouldn't it be in italics? I checked, and the answer is "yes." See
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/566/01/...

Bryce wore the grey jumpsuit of the lower ranks, a colour he really hated.My Comment: Here you've hopped from Kali's head to Bryce's. It's almost always better to stick with one point of view per scene.

"Oh. You want me to do some digging 'round?" There was a conspiratorial twinkle in his eyes.My Comment: You've more or less shifted to Bryce's point of view at this point. However, he can't see his own eyes, so this is in Kali's point of view...

A lock of dark brown hair strayed out of position and was firmly brushed back into place. My Comment: "was brushed" is passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. For this reason, active verb forms are usually better. Also, we've switched to a new scene and a new point of view character here--Adrian. But, since he can't see his hair, it's a point of view violation to give the color.

"Psst." A voice called to him from the doorway.

Frowning, Adrian looked up. "What are you doing here?"

"Trying to be quiet."

"There isn't anyone here."

"Oh. Yeah." He peered into the bare cell. "Comfy in there?"

"Are you here to ask irrelevant questions, or did you have a real reason?"

Bryce grinned. "Kali sent me."My Comment: I could use some dialog tags at the start here. Since Adrian recognizes the speaker, you could say he looked up "recognized Bryce." Also, the "he peered into the bare cell" is in Bryce's point of view, so we've jumped from Adrian's head to Bryce's.

The hard, impassive face softened briefly - at least Bryce could almost swear it had. "Tell her not to worry."My Comment: Again, in Bryce's point of view.

If only he knew, but Adrian wasn't about to tell him; no one needed to know anything about him. He turned away and began pacing his cell. "Tell Kali not to worry."My Comment: And now we're back in Adrian's head.

Kali’s fingers tapped her console. Why would Adrian refuse assignment to the best ship in the fleet? Did he know the Admiral? Was there a personal conflict? Knowing Adrian, that wouldn’t be out of the question. "Did you find out what they’re going to do with him?"My Comment: You're relaying Kali's thoughts, so you're in her head.

"Well…I don't hate him or anything." The misty look in her eyes was making him feel as uncomfortable as Adrian's steady stares.My Comment: Bryce's head.

As much as Adrian hated to admit it, Bryce had a point, but what answer would satisfy Kali?My Comment: In Adrian's head.

Being in a place with cells gave him the feeling his past was catching up with him. He'd been a conman and thief before being caught and sentenced to a penal colony. The Empire had generously given him the option of doing a ten-year stint in the military and he'd grabbed it.My Comment: author intruding to tell the reader facts.

"See if I don’t," Bryce snapped back. Why was he doing this anyways? He didn't need this abuse. "I’m not doing it for you." My Comment: In Bryce's head...

______________________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
"Invalid Item"

329

#3341947

Review of A Cry

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. A mutual friend, J. M. Kraynak 10th Year at WDC

, asked that I review your story. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

I also see that you are new to Writing.Com, so I'd like to add my welcome to the site. This is a great place to learn and grow as an author. I hope that you find your time here as rewarding as I have found mine.

__________
Item Reviewed: "A Cry"

Author Athena G

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
A monster holds Lifa captive and torments her. The monster has a female accomplice, evil and menacing. They free her in the woods in order to hunt her. Instead, a man rescues her and takes her to safety...alas...her injuries seem to overcome her.

__________

Style and Voice
First person, in Lifa's point of view.

__________

Referencing
No inconsistencies. The time and place could be anywhere or any time.

__________

Scene/Setting
There is much to love about the descriptions of the scenes. You've done a good job of establishing a horrifying, panicky situation. I had a some nits about phrasing here and there, but this was quite good.

__________

Characters
Lifa, afraid, hurting, but determined as well. In the second segment, as she flees in the forest, we get a real sense of her panic and her desperation.

We meet the other characters through her eyes: the mysterious monster, the evil woman, the rescuer, whom she sees as another monster.

__________

Grammar

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in

STATIC

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

I liked this story quite a lot. From the very first sentence, there's a compelling sense of tension of mystery. It builds throughout, from start to finish. The mystery remains unresolved, which I think adds to the strength of the story.

In the line-by-line comments below, it may appear that I've many criticisms. Please understand that I'm making these comments because I really liked this story and because I think that you have talent. Because of this, I'm drilling down to some details of craft that I hope will make this arresting little horror story even better.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
There was a sharp pain across my ribs that protected my right lung – aching and throbbing. I fought back a loud shriek but failed somewhat when I whimpered instead. The monster sneered at me and I resisted the urge to spit in his devil face. I had no idea what he just did to me, but whatever it was –it hurt like hell.My Comment: I like your opening. You start in the middle of action, with your narrator in jeopardy, and you orient us somewhat in space. Some tweaks you might think about: position the monster and give a sense about its scale; perhaps, for example, it "looms over me and sneers..." That gives a sense of both location and size. The second sentence could also be improved, a bit, I think. How about something like, "A shriek tried to escape my mouth, but my clenched teeth reduced it to a whimiper." I'm sure you can do better; it's the "somewhat" that seemed to break the action.

I was sweating badlyMy Comment: I'd consider a stronger image than "sweating badly." Perhaps "sweat drenched my clothes and stung in my eyes..." or something that brings in more senses?

The beast struck out; punching me in the gut with his full force and I retched violently.My Comment: Adverbs always look like shortcuts to me. Describe her retching in a way that shows it was violent: maybe she gags on vomit and it splatters on the monster's fur (or against its skin?).

I could feel the pulse beat fast in my veins.My Comment: Phrases like "I could feel" (or see, hear, taste, etc) fliter the sensory information through your narrator. It's almost always more intimate and immediate for the reader if you describe directly what she feels. The readers will infer she "felt" it since you are in her point of view.

my legs were covered in cuts, burns, and bruises.My Comment: "were covered" is passive voice. This puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your story. For this reason, it's almost always better to use active verb forms.

She was all soft curves, with an innocent looking face framed by a mass of honey colored curls that undulated gracefully down her slender back. But her wide blue eyes exposed a creature lurking close to the surface, waiting for the chance to emerge and cause torment. My Comment: wonderful description!

She walked up to me and climbed onto a stool in order to reach my ear, before she whispered softly:My Comment: "whispered" implies "softly." All this adverb does is slow the pace of the sentence and add clutter.

It was full moon tonight,

My Comment: watch out for sentences where the main verb is a form of "to be." Here, you could paint a stronger image by having shards of light from the full moon scatter through the forest canopy, as an example.

I wanted to howl with the beast, sing his mourning song of pain and loss. My Comment: great sentence!

But what they didn’t know was that I was a animal too – just like them. My Comment: typo: aN animal

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

"Invalid Item"

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

330

#3341503

Review of The Bond

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story posted in "Invalid Item"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "The Bond"

Author Vickie_K

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Aliens invade the earth and use men as vessels to bear their four-armed offspring. They rely on the release of super-powered Oxycontin to lure the women of Earth to be caregivers for the alien babies. This is the story of Lidia, one of the mothers.

__________

Style and Voice
Mostly this is in third person limited, in Lidia's point of view.

__________

Referencing
Modern day, until the aliens arrive...

__________

Scene/Setting
There's some fine work here on settings. Lidia's morning with her coffee, her neighbor strolling outside with his dog, followed by the horror of the invasion, for example.

__________

Characters
We primarily meet Lidia.

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. There are many places where you tell us about conversations Lidia has with other people rather than actually showing the conversations. By putting the minor characters in motion, in word and deed, you can bring them to life.

__________

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (well, there are over 70 in this short piece), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in

STATIC

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

You have an intricate and complex plot for this story. In order to meet the word length requirements for the contest, you've compressed the whole thing into less than 3000 words. As a consequence, great swatches of your story wind up being told in narrative form rather than be being shown.

I really like your plot--especially the irony that it's the men whose bodies are used as vessels for the alien infants. That's pregnant with social meaning, so to speak! But I think the plot is too complex for the word limits in this story. My main recommendation would be to expand this basic idea into a much longer piece. Each place where the story stops and you tell the reader facts is an opportunity for a much longer scene--2000 or 3000 words--that instead reveals the same information by putting the characters in motion.

As an example, there is one place where you describe the failed negotiations between the UN and the aliens. Instead of doing that in narrated form, perhaps you could create a scene during the time of civil disorder when Lidia meets someone who knows about the negotiations: a translator, or some lower-level guard or technician. She might nurse him back to health, or he might save her from a murderous vigilante, and in the course of evebts, the facts come out.

In summary, I liked the plot for your story, I liked the character of Lidia and her desperation and quiet determination, and I liked the twist in the tale at the end. But I think you've got a story that's too complex to cram into 3000 words! It deserves to be longer, with deeper development of the characters and themes.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________

Lidia wearily stared out the ships window.

My Comment: typo: ship's window, with an apostrophe

The landscape was marred with broken and jagged sky scrapers,My Comment: "was marred" is passive voice. This puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your story. For this reason, it's usually better to use active verb forms.

“Scientists are concerned over the recent fluctuations in temperature, and many environmentalists are claiming that this is the beginning of the end. The U.N. will be holding an emergency meeting tomorrow in-.”My Comment: Flashbacks can be useful things, especially in novels. However, a flashback tends to pull the reader away from the fictional world you created in your opening paragraphs and push them into another place. This can be jarring and pull the reader out of the story. For this reasons, flashbacks aren't generally used in short stories.

Her cat Mittens strode into the room and began rubbing against her ankles. She picked up the old feline and began stroking him out of habit, her mind racing all the while.My Comment: "began" is one of those words that generally aren't needed and tend to clutter your prose. Try writing these sentences without it, and I think you'll see the result is more intimate and immediate.

The sun was shining high in a clear blue sky, crisp autumn leaves littered the pavement, and her neighbor Bob was walking his German shepherd, it was business as usual. My Comment: comma splice: there should be a period or semicolon after "shepherd."
From their brief conversations with one another the only thing they concluded was that terrorists weren’t involved, mainly because they couldn’t control the weather. My Comment: Rather than narrating that they had this conversation, I'd consider showing them have it.

“May I use your bathroom?” Bob asked timidly.My Comment: Just to pick out one of the adverbs...here the "timidly" tells us his demeanor. Instead, show him being timid by revealing his body language and his tone of voice. Let the reader infer from these that he's being "timid." That little step of inference is one way to draw readers into your story.

As they sat with one another the baby sent images to her, images of another world not entirely different then her own.My Comment: typo: than her own.

Meelas had a force field around it though, so instead of the planets becoming obliterated they fused together, Daken sticking out of Meelas’s side like a tumor.My Comment: I see that you are describing one of the photograph prompts for the contest here. I believe that the photo is supposed to depict the instant that two planets collide, as you've written. A huge impact like that would some perceivable time, even at planetary speeds, since the bodies are so large. Think of a meteor streaking across the sky: we can see it happen for the seconds it takes to reach the grownd. My point is that the physics you've described here isn't plausible. A force field of the type that you depict would involve sufficient energies to simply deflect the planetary collision. So...a better scenario would be for the Meelan's to have forseen the collision and sent a lifeboat out to save a remnant of their race. They would then be seeing the impact on Daken on their homeworld and the destruction of their planet and the masses of their race left behind.

The Meelans had met with the U.N. in secret and had asked for refuge, but were turned down. My Comment: So she is getting this information telepathically from the infant. That's plausible, assuming adult aliens conveyed this to the infant prior to birth. However, the problem with this device is that it results in a narrator intrusion, in which the author recites basic facts about the story. Editors refer to this as an "info-dump." The problem with this is that it stops the story dead in its tracks. It would be much better for this information to come through in a more dramatic form, rather than through author narraton. The device of recounting what she learns telepathically doesn't disguise that we are receiving information in narrated form rather than in a dramatic scene.

Their technology was advanced far beyond humanities. My Comment: typo: humanity's.

They did indeed come.My Comment: this paragraph is more author narration.

Lydia was sent to a different boat then the others. My Comment: typo: than the others...

But your special gal, you are one of the lucky few.My Comment: typo: you're special

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

"Invalid Item"

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

331

#3340629

Review of My Graduation Speech

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. Thanks for asking me to review your story. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

__________
Item Reviewed: "My Graduation Speech"

Author gvg

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Ordinarily, I review fiction on WDC,so this is somewhat different from my usual fare. However, I've sat through dozens of graduation speeches, and even given several myself, so I have at least some experience in this area.

First, Let me point you to a site that lists some famous speeches and gives some guidelines how to write one of these things:
http://www.humanity.org/voices/commencements/
The speech by Toni Morrison is especially fine, I think.

Some of the points on this site are that you should honor the occasion, and honor the achievement of the graduates, and be authentic. Good advice. I'd also say a speech, like a story, should have a focus and a theme. Graduation speeches should inspire people to live better lives, and to make a difference through what they've achieved. The best ones help the graduates to be sure that this is not last achievement for which they will be honored.

People identify with stories that illuminate your themes--that's what fiction is about, too. One of the best graduation speeches I ever heard was by James Garner. He related life-stories about growing up poor in Oklahoma, and the lessons he learned from that. It was wonderful, and tied together his over-arching theme, which was to continue growing all your life.

So...on to your speech. Instead of a unifying theme, I found a list of unrelated aphorisms, rather like Polonius lecturing Laertes. Your audience will likely tire of this after a bit. After all, Moses had only ten commandments he brought down from the mountain, and his audience stopped paying attention to his list. In fact, he got so mad, he broke the tablets and had to go back and get another set...but that's another story.

So, my first bit of advice is to pick a smaller number of your lessons, and knit them together into a unified whole. As a second piece of advice, tell a story to illustrate your points. A graduation speech is more intimate than most public addresses. Make your speech personal, and make your lessons breathe by illustrating them with people--maybe even incidents from your own life.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
Your speech is grammatically perfect, so I don't have many comments beyond what's above. Mostly, I just have reactions to some of your specific aphorisms.

Your elders have lived longer than you; they are wiser and oftentimes smarter.My Comment: Speaking as an elder, bless you...but...again speaking as an elder, being 60 doesn't make me wiser. It just makes me older.

Be nice to every one you know, even the ones ‘below’ you; you never know when the ones you govern will govern you.My Comment: Hmmm...in my experience, no one is "below" me, just as no one is above me. I can respect someone's knowledge, or skill, or beauty, or good cheer, but that doesn't make them better than me.

Always ask questions, and don’t stop until you get answers.My Comment: ...except, of course, some questions are undecidable. Are you familiar with Godel's Theorem, or Heisenberg's uncertainty principle?

No matter how far along the path you are, you can always turn back.My Comment: Uh, no. Sometimes you've jumped off a cliff. If you're ten feet from the bottom of a 1,000 foot free fall, it's too late to change your mind.

Don’t do something now that you’ll forget later.My Comment: forget, or regret?

But always remember that it is the same with evil deeds; what goes around comes around.My Comment: If only. Counterexamples abound.

Nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it.My Comment: Well, I don't agree with this one either. I'm gay. Wishing won't me straight. My short friends won't be tall, no matter how hard they try. I don't think you can climb Olympus and meet Zeus, or ever find Thor's hammer. Remember Godel's theorem.

Your lost remote is always under the couch.My Comment: Obviously, you've never raised a 2-year-old.

Dance like no one’s watching; enjoy yourself.My Comment: Life passes in three basic stages. When we're young, we worry about what other's think about us. Later, we don't care what others think about us. Eventually, we realize no one was thinking about us in the first place.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

332

#3337206

Review of Surrender to Command

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in "Invalid Item"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Surrender to Command"

Author hiryuu

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Christine and Summer are Seekers, agents who seek out and preserve alien artifacts. Alas, the planet they are currently on is on the brink of ecological catastrophe. Grief overcomes Christine, and she confronts Summer about her apparent indifference. There is a confrontation, and Christine comes to understand that Summer's approach is best. When their leader appears, he tells them to care for each other: they are a team.

__________

Style and Voice
Mostly this is third person limited in Christine's point of view, but there are several spots where the point of view hops between Christine and Summer. I'd suggest revising to keep the entire story in Christine's head.

__________

Referencing
One of the challenges with SciFi is interlace the background information into the story without the author intruding to tell the reader stuff. These narrator intrusions can be deadly, since they stop a story in its tracks. I thought a lot of the opening of this story, while it contains some beautiful prose, was all background narration. I think it would be much stronger if you could show this material, instead of tell it.

For example, later there's a little time reversal where Christine remembers going to the Commercial District. You might consider starting your story there, with Christine in the city and seeing hungry children begging her for food while the brassy sun glares down on the dusty streets. You might even have Summer with her, focused on their task, hurrying her on and ignoring the pleas of the children. That gives you a dramatic little scene that shows the suffering and establishes the basic conflict between the women, showing rather than telling.

As an aside, flashbacks are very hard to do in a short story because they interrupt the flow events and hence pull the reader out of your story.

__________

Scene/Setting
Again, the descriptions of the devastated planet are lovely. I could have used a touch more of the condominium, although you had enough for staging.

__________

Characters
We meet both characters through their words and deeds, which is good. The dialog between them, their fight, is the core of the story, and that reads well.

One minor suggestion--you might hint earlier at Christine's drug use. Perhaps she wears long sleeves, and they slip back and expose needle tracks which she hastens to hide. Again, that's showing her history of addiction instead of having Summer tell it.

__________

Grammar

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in

STATIC

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

You've already gotten most of my specific suggestions above. They focus on firming up the point of view and concentrating on less telling and more showing.

What you have is a fine story, with strong characters and interesting thematic material. I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
After the pause, Summer goes back to work, spurred on by morning affirming their need to stay busy in preparation, while Christine cannot take her eyes off the landscape outside.My Comment: The "spurned on by the dawn" puts us is in Summer's point of view.

Christine is unable to tear her thoughts away from the people of Hakari.My Comment: But now we learn what's in Christine's head, so we've hopped to her POV.

When the two women had come to Hakari, their mission was to secure alien artifacts from the underground market. They had done well, and had infiltrated the underground with ease.My Comment: "underground" is used in each of these sentences. Repeating words and phrases can give your prose a monotone feeling, so it's generally better to have more varied word choice.

With her back still turned to Christine, Summers shouldersMy Comment: typo: Summer's shoulders, with an apostrophe

The two women have gotten along well while station here together,My Comment: typo: stationed

Turning quickly and starting in Christine’s direction,My Comment: This is an example of those adverbs. Instead of "turning quickly," you might have her pivot, or spin on her heel, or whirl to face her. A more precise verb that paints a more active picture will better engage your readers.

Christine is immediately embarrassed,My Comment: Instead of telling us she's embarrassed, you might have her face flush as she averts her eyes. The reader will infer from those physical clues that she's embarrassed. That little step of inference is one way to draw readers into your story.

in a forgotten corner of the Sirius,My Comment: do you mean the "Sirius system"

Weary from the night’s events, and put off by her partner’s rude comments, Summer decides to give Christine more direction,My Comment: This jumps to Summer's point of view.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

"Invalid Item"

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

333

#3335612

Review of Keeping Midnight Alive

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Keeping Midnight Alive"

Author A.T.B: It'sWhatWeDo

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Carly and Joey drive to Carly's home for the holidays. They find love frozen in an eternal moment, at midnight.

__________

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Carly's point of view. Perhaps one small slip.

__________

Referencing
Modern day, from many references to music.

__________

Scene/Setting
Ah, there is some lovely writing here. The setting glows, and illuminates the theme and characters when it does so. This is an example of great writing, where descriptions aren't just laid out as stage management but meld with and enhance the story.

__________

Characters
This is almost all Carly and Joey and their love for each other. Wonderful, romantic, and sensuous. Carly's mother makes a cameo appearance, warm and loving as well. There's a hint of tragedy surrounding his father, unspoken, as if too painful to recount.

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. What dialog you had was wonderful...but it was pretty sparse. I would have liked to see a lot more. There are many places where the story stops and the author tells us stuff. Interesting stuff, to be sure, but it still stopped the story. I'd consider examining these passages, determining which ones are essential to the story, and then trying to show them by putting your characters in motion, in word and deed.

__________

Grammar
The grammar was impeccable. I did notice that you used parenthetic phrases, though. One of them was really quite long. Editors tend to discourage these for a variety of reasons, so I'd consider re-working the text to take them out.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in

STATIC

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

Overall, this is a wonderful story, full of love and wonder. I really enjoyed it quite a lot. However, I thought that the opening really dragged, and the story didn't start until they arrived at Carly's home and the characters actually started to talk and interact with each other. Virtually all of the first 800 words are author narration, some of it background that seems irrelevant to the story itself. So my main suggestion is to try to show more of your story through the words and deeds of your characters and eliminate, as much as possible, narrator intrusions.

Again, this is a very good story, with some absolutely fantastic and memorable turns of phrase. The prose is poetic at times in its cadence and imagery. This shows considerable talent, and I hope that you continue writing.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
Carly said he’d show him an angel, and he meant to, despite the drive or the chill in the air. He'd been kidding,My Comment: He meant to, or he was kidding? Also, I'd name "Joey" in the first sentence, too, rather than the indefinite "him."

Carly, already a declared English/Writing majorMy Comment: This launches a couple of paragraphs of narrated background. This stops the story and pulls the reader out of your fictional world. If this information is critical to your story--and I don't think it is--then I'd recommend that you figure out a way to show it rather than tell it.

when My Bloody Valentine's "Sometimes" came drifting out of the speakers like cool velvet sex on a southern summer evening. My Comment: Ooo...this is wonderful!

Climbing up into western NC, Carly saw the first few flakes of what would be their first white Christmas since he was rocking the OshKosh corduroys. My Comment: A couple of nits here. The word "first" repeats in this sentence. Repeating words and phrases can give your prose a monotone feel, so it's better to have more varied word choices. Secondly, when you write "Carly saw," you filter WHAT he saw through his eyes. If, instead, you describe what he saw directly, it will be more intimate and immediate for your readers. Since you are in Carly's point of view, the readers will infer that he saw it. That little step of inference can help draw readers into your story. If you want to emphasize that he saw it, perhaps he can "shiver" when the first flakes of snow appear.

Joey was from Providence, but he swore he'd never seen such a perfect snow regardless.My Comment: I'm not sure why you chose to narrate this snippet of dialog instead of putting the actual words in Joey's mouth. Showing is always stronger than telling, and narrating is telling.

Mom was home by dark, leaving Carly to unload a carload of groceries while she inspected the new boy. Joey smiled throughout the kindhearted interrogation over coffee in the kitchen. My Comment: Carly is gone and not witnessing this, so now we've hopped into Joey's point of view for a sentence or two.

The moon had set, the only light in the room a green flashing spray of pale light from the blinking 12:00 of the stereo clock, keeping midnight alive. My Comment: another lovely phrase

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

"Invalid Item"

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

334

#3313209

Review of The Darkness in Her Soul

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. Thanks for asking me to review your story. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

__________
Item Reviewed: "The Darkness in Her Soul"

Author BScholl

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Denise drives aimlessly, still mourning the death of her son. Caught in a furious thunderstorm, Denise's car slides into the ditch. She walks through the driving rain to a run-down and apparently abandoned farmhouse. When no one answers the door, she enters through an unlocked back door and builds a fire to warm herself and dry off. However, it seems that an elderly woman does live there and, moreover, she, too, lost her son many years ago. This woman has cloistered herself in this farmhouse ever since. In the morning, Denise and the woman share breakfast before Denise decides to call her sister and return to the world. She resolves, though, to come back and visit the old woman who befriended her.

__________

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Denise's point of view. Perfect.

__________

Referencing
There are references to cell phones, so that places the story in the modern era. No inconsistencies.

__________

Scene/Setting
Detailed and evocative throughout. Also, the scenes flowed naturally into Denise's character, so they emphasized and deepened her point of view. Nice work here!

__________

Characters
Denise, in mourning for the loss of her son, perhaps fleeing the world by driving down that lonely stretch of road. The old woman, who never left the depths of mourning for her son for the last fifty years. Denise is tempted to stay, but resolves instead to "run errands" and return to life.

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. I loved the dialog between these two characters.

__________

Grammar
I made a few minor points in the line-by-line comments.

__________

Just my personal opinion
You specifically asked me about making this a ghost story. I think you could readily do that with only minor modification. In fact, there were a couple of places where I thought the elderly woman might be an illusion and/or a ghost, such as when she didn't seem to understand the concept that Denise's car had run into the ditch.

However, I think this story works quite well as it is. Indeed, I think that it would weaken the thematic material to change it to a ghost story. The storm and car accident are metaphors for what's happened in Denise's life. The old woman suffered a similar loss, and at that moment her world stopped. She's still got all the old appliances from the 1950's, her sofa hasn't moved, she hasn't been to town; she's frozen in time. Denise is tempted to stay, to join the old woman with her mourning chiseled into her soul. But instead she calls her sister and runs her errands: her mourning will continue, but so will her life. You thread all of this together in a rich narrative, and making the old woman real makes Denise's alternatives more stark. Changing this to a ghost story works with this thematic material, too, but I think less effectively.

I think this is a really terrific story, and I really enjoyed reading it. I made a few nit-picky comments in the line-by-line area below, but they are just nibbling at the edges. Thank you for asking me to read it.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
She stood in the rain as the cold drops speckled her denim top. Denise’s hair matted down with every drop, but she didn't care. She began walking, drifting down the old country road, to somewhere, yet nowhere in particular.My Comment: A good opening. You name your point of view character, put her in motion, and orient the reader in space and time. The only tiny quibble I have is that I'd name Denise in the first sentence rather than using a pronoun.

Her thoughts ranged from suicide to her son, Daniel. My Comment: In retrospect, I'd make explicit reference here to Daniel's funeral. Perhaps she sees a stray program from his funeral service, for example, or maybe by chance the radio plays a song from the funeral. I'd establish this key part of her dilemma early.

Denise was knocked down as the strength of the flash streams’ current surprised her. My Comment: passive voice. This puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood when you want them to be your active partners in imagining your story. For this reason, it's usually better to use active verb forms.

The storm door on the back door swung open and closed, banging like an insane come-to-life inanimate object. She caught the storm door with one hand and tried the knob. My Comment: "Storm door" repeats. Repeating words and phrases can give your prose a monotone feel, so it's usually better to vary word choice.

A lightning strike lit up an antique black iron and she wedged it against the door.My Comment: I think you might consider just a touch more descriptin here. Is the room cluttered? Dirty? Are there cobwebs glistening in the corners? Since she can see the iron, she can see other things, too.

Her shoes filled with water sloshed as she felt her way into a larger room.My Comment: There's something not quite right with this sentence. Maybe, "Her shoes, filled with water, sloshed as she felt her way..."

a few cans of something that she couldn’t make out, a few wash clothes, My Comment: Typo: cloths.

She felt inside and it seemed familiar somehow.My Comment: "she felt" repeats from the first sentence in this paragraph.

After only two tries, the cloth lit and glowed. My Comment: "cloth" repeats; you could use "fabric," for example.

Her face shadowy as she moved toward Denise.My Comment: fragment.

“I did that for years. Beat myself up over letting him go.My Comment: I think this might be a tad smoother if you led with something like, "Now, dear, you shouldn't blame yourself..."

A couple of minutes passed and she reappeared with a wool blanket that she wrapped Denise in.My Comment: So I hate to nit-pick something like ending a sentence with a preposition ("a rule up with which we need not put"), but it would be so easy to avoid it here. For example, "that she tucked around Denise" as opposed to "wrapped her in."

Martha kissed her forehead, and she smiled. My Comment: Who smiled, Martha or Denise?

She stretched and still felt the dampness in her clothes.My Comment: I'd describe the dampness directly rather than filtering the sensation through Denise with the "she felt." We're in Denise's point of view, so the readers will know she felt it. Describing it directly will be more intimate and immediate for your readers.

It still looked dreary. The old striped wallpaper lined the walls. It peeled in several spots with one corner above the portraits drooping and revealing old plaster board. The worn floors and faded drapery completed the scene along with the three chairs and ancient couch. My Comment: I like this description except for the first sentence, which is telling. Maybe you could say the "dreary" wallpaper lined the walls and convey the same information?

“I’d have to agree. Some of the things in this house, I’ve not seen since I was a child.”My Comment: I had to re-read to see what she agreed with.

She wasn’t comfortable with prayer, but this was Martha’s home.My Comment: I'd omit telling the reader she's uncomfortable with the prayer; you just showed it by having her squirm.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

335

#3308656

Review of An April Affair-Chapter One

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(ASR)
A list of items needing reviewed by the WDC Power Reviewers.
#1325649 by KC under the midnight sun

I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "An April Affair-Chapter One"

Author very thankful

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
__________

General Impressions
An interesting start to what promises to be an erotic saga joining the Fairie Realm with Deacon Mississippi. Lucifer appears, of course, making this an intriguing blending of legends.

__________

Plot
Cydia, daughter of Morgana of the Fairie Realm, wanders through a hidden doorway to Deacon, Mississippi. Once there, she meets her future husband, Lucifer Webster. She's swept off her feet in this first meeting by his erotic appeal. Alas, a sound interrupts them and they agree to meet on the next day, at the same location.

__________

Style and Voice
First person, in Cydia's point of view.

__________

Referencing
I thought perhaps the reference to zippers was an anachronism. I would have added a few more things to ground us in 1863 after she passes through the door.

__________

Scene/Setting
I could have used a touch more to establish where we are at.

__________

Characters
This is mostly about Cydia and her unexpected attraction to the man she finds on the other side of the door.

__________

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. I especially liked the dialog between the two characters.

__________

Grammar
a few minor things, noted in the line-by-line comments.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they imagine events along with the author. I've written in more detail on this topic in "Long Musings on Short Stories"

Overall, I liked this story quite a bit. It's a challenge to introduce erotic elements so early in a story, but I thought that worked fine in this chapter and that they were well done.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
__________
I remember the day I met my darling husband, Lucifer Webster, on a beautiful morning in April 1863 just like it was yesterday. My Comment: I tend to be picky about openings, since these are your best chance to draw your readers into your story. What I like about this one is that it orients us in space and time and establishes what the story is about. I do wish that we had the narrator doing something more active than remembering, though. Also, for purposes of cadence, I'd consider separating the portion about the "beautiful morning" into its own sentence, and perhaps be a bit more specific about what makes the morning beautiful. Perhaps there's the scent of magnolias in the air, or hyacinths. You could also add a dash of color to make it more specific rather than general. I note that later you contrast the brilliant colors on this side of the door with the browns and greens on the other side, so establishing those colors now would be appropriate.

I decided to go exploring one day because I was bored out of my mind, so I snuck out the back of the family palace. My Comment: One day, or that specific day, the day she met her husband?

My mother, Queen Morganna, had forbidden everyone access to the backdoor of the castle for some reason, but I didn't know why at the time. I opened the black door and stared at the path that led from the door to a tree.My Comment: "back door" repeats. Also, you should be consistent as to whether this is one word or two.

I gazed closer and peered at a door.My Comment: The door is in the tree? Hanging in the air? I think a bit more clarity would help here.

Before my thoughts consumed me, I glanced at a man ambling down the path. My Comment: She ambled earlier. This is an unusual enough word that I wouldn't repeat it so soon.

It inturged me so.My Comment: typo: intrigued?

He unzipped and pulled my dress down exposing my breasts. My Comment: I wondered about zippers in 1863, so I looked it up. Elias Howe patented an early form of the zipper in 1851, but the modern version, based on interlocking teeth, didn't come into widespread use until 1914. Of course, it's possible the invention occurred earlier in the fairy realm.

"My, my their well-endowed." Lucifer kissed my nipples, then bit each one.My Comment: Typo: "they're" not "their"

My hands trickled down and found the zipper to his pants. I unzipped them and felt his hard manhood. My Comment: So much for zippers being invented earlier in the fairy realm. I'm pretty sure that almost all men had button flies in 1863.

All of a sudden, we both heard something in the bushes several yards away. We dressed as fast as we could.My Comment: As before, I'd be more specific about what they heard. Also, she can only infer that he heard it--remember we are first person, in her head. She can see him start, or look in the direction of the sound, and so infer that he heard it.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
"Invalid Item"

336

#3305325

Review of River Rise

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the "review a newbie" page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "River Rise"

Author nvellis

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

First, I'd like to welcome you to Writing.Com. This is a great place to learn and grow as an author. I hope that you find your time here as rewarding personally and professionally as I have.

__________

Plot
On a hot, muggy night, a couple depart a dance and canoe down a river. In the darkness, she anticipates the inevitable tryst, while he's silent. His enigmatic smile flashes now and again in the moonlight, drawing her in. At last they arrive at River Rise, and the climax of the night.

__________

Style and Voice
I'm going to write a bit about point of view here. If you already know this, I apologize.

The first page or so of this story is written from the standpoint of an omniscient narrator. We learn what "they" are thinking and why "they" are doing things.

But, from the time of the flashback on, where you write, "She had seen him from across the room," we are mostly in her head and her point of view. We see what she sees, we hear what she hears, we know what she thinks, but he's mysterious and enigmatic. From here, then, we are in "third person limited." "Third person" because you narrate the story using the third person, but "limited" because you are limited to what she can sense. There are some places where the narrator intrudes after this, but mostly you are stay in her point of view from this point on.

While much great fiction uses an omniscient narrator, this is very much out of fashion today. Modern readers--and editors!--will expect a third person limited point of view. The theory is that this deepens the connection between the reader and the character and thus enhances the readers' "fictional dream" as they progress through the story. In longer pieces, the point of view can shift from one character to another between scenes, but usually there is one point of view for each scene. Generally in short fiction, writers try to use one point of view throughout the story.

So...one of my suggestions for this story is that you go back and look for places to solidify the point of view, putting the reader into her head as much as possible. This will also strengthen the great twist at the end of this story.

__________

Referencing
Probably modern day, although that's not essential to the storyline. I saw no inconsistencies in referencing.

__________

Scene/Setting
There are many fine descriptions of the hot, muggy night, the sweaty attire, the moonlight, and so on. I tend to like more description rather than less, and I noticed the absence of the scents and sounds of the river. If you wanted to add more description to the scene setting, this is one place to do it.

__________

Characters
There are only two. I understand why you left your characters nameless: they plan to have anonymous sex, after all. Still, you might consider giving them names. She could think, "he'll never know my real name," and wonder later if she knows his. That sends the same message as leaving them nameless. However, giving them names will help to ground readers and draw them into her head and thus into the story.

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. There are a few snippets of dialog which are quite good, but in several places you have chosen to narrate the dialog rather than put actual words into the mouths of your characters. Again, you might consider examining the places to help deepen the readers' connections to the events.

__________

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (well, there are over 60 in his piece), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in

STATIC

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

I liked this story a lot, especially the twist at the end. I do think, though, that the story would be stronger without the time reversal that occurs on the second page. The flashback from the river to the ballroom disrupted the flow of the story for me, and I think it would be stronger if you started in the ballroom with his mysterious, alluring smile, and continued to the climax.

Overall, I think this is an excellent story. The tension builds nicely, there is good foreshadowing of the ending without giving anything away, and the twist is great!!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
Not handsome but, somehow interesting he was.

My Comment: Inverting the usual word order took me out of the story a bit, especially as it mimics the speech patterns of Yoda. I don't think that's a reference you want in your readers' minds.

When she finally asked him to dance he shook his head and looked away as if he wasn't interested. When she insisted he grudgingly gave in saying she had sealed her fate. She thought that an odd thing to say and it gave her a shudder. My Comment: I'd show rather than narrate this conversation.

She saw the moonlight on his face and that strange familiar smile. My Comment: Phrases like "she saw" filter the sensory information through your character. It's usually more immediate and intimate for your readers to describe what she saw directly. You've established that you are in her point of view in the preceding sentence, so the readers will infer that she saw his face.

It mixed with her sent, called by no coincidence, Desire, in a way she had never before experience. My Comment: typo: scent not sent. Also, should be "experienced."

The Santa Fe has as its' source, for part of the year, a dry white sand gully.My Comment: typo: no apostrophe. "It's" always is short for "it is."

It flows south and disappears under ground flowing for miles below what is now a state park.My Comment: Here , the story stops will the author tells us stuff. Later we learn that "she" knows about River Rise and knows that is where they are going. I wonder if you could reveal this in dialog between them, rather than through a narrator intrusion?

He inhaled and paddled.My Comment: How can he paddle and inhale at the same time? Did he slip them over his head? I could use a touch more description here.

She stood naked in the moonlight.My Comment: This is the third appearance of "stood" in this paragraph. Repeating words and phrases can give your prose a monotone feeling, so it's generally better to have a more varied choice.

She was about to asking him what the hell was wrong with himMy Comment: typo: "ask," not "asking."

he pointed ahead and quietly said "We're here". My Comment: This is one of those adverbs I mentioned. Here, a more precise verb such as "murmured" or "whispered" would paint a more vivid image. If you wanted, you could use a metaphor or simile instead, again to give a more precise image to stimulate the readers' imaginations.

Here where the river welled up from it's underground prison and came alive she felt exhilarated. My Comment: Typo: "it's." Also, you are telling us she feels exhilarated rather than showing.

It seemed strange now, she had no real recollection of the man who had raped her.My Comment: Comma splice.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

"Invalid Item"

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

337

#3297977

Review of Nerthraiat Anthology STAGE V (sec 0&1)

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Nerthraiat Anthology STAGE V (sec 0&1)"

Author Mike Togtman (Mike Togtman)

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Anaya arrives on the terraformed moon Adrastea carrying a fancy bass guitar. It turns out the guitar case disguises the tools of a bounty hunter/assassin. She proceeds to the best hotel on the moon, confronts her target, disables him, and turns him over to the Intergalactic Bounty Head Collection Agency. They arrive in short order, transfer the bounty to her account, and she departs on her flyer. [I only read the first chapter, and not the second which is also included in this file.]

__________

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Anaya's point of view.

__________

Referencing
We get many tidbits about where and events take place, and about the underlying (and apparently secret?) organization that Anaya is part of.

__________

Scene/Setting
There is some nice description of the various scenes, and the settings are certainly sufficient for staging purposes. My personal taste would be for a deeper connection with this terraformed environment and future world. Other than Jupiter (new Jupiter?) hanging in the sky, she could have been arriving at O'Hare or DFW. I didn't get much sense of what the hotel was like, either. Did it replicate traditional architecture from Earth, maybe in a glitzy way like Las Vegas? Or is there an indigenous archiecture? What about plants? Are they all from Earth, or is there some penetration from other worlds? I'd consider adding a few touches to make this seem less like the modern world and more like the future.

__________

Characters
Anaya is the main character here. She's efficient, a bit distant, and apparently effective at what she does. Her real job, and why she chooses to hide her weapons in a case for a super-fancy guitar, are a sufficient hook to keep the pages turning. However, I do wish I'd had a bit more of an emotional connection with her--some indication of what's going on in her head.

__________

Grammar
The grammar is good, although I saw several instances of repeated words and phrases. I've noted some of these in the line-by-line comments below.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in

STATIC

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

I think you've got a great, action-packed start to your story. There is much to attract the reader and draw them in. The two suggestions that I have are, first, try to deepen the readers' connection to Anaya and, second, to better establish the point of view at the very start of this chapter. I've elaborated on the latter a bit in the line-by-line comments below.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________

The fog was thick that night in Jupiter VII as the long range shuttle exited the gate system from Venus. It entered the atmosphere of the terraformed moon Adrastea and came in for a landing at the Spaceport on the far west of the town.My Comment: I tend to be picky about openings. They are your first and best chance to draw your readers into your story. This opening does a good job of orienting the reader in space and time. You establish that we are in the future, in a remote stellar system, and that a shuttle is landing at a spaceport. All of that is good.

However, you establish all of this through author narration. We don't meet the point of view character until mid-way in the fourth paragraph, and don't learn her name until much later. I think this opening would be much stronger if you established the point of view at once, and then described the arrival entirely from Anaya's perspective. Maybe she tightens her seat belt as the shuttle bumps through high-altitude winds on its way down. Maybe the flight attendant or another passenger says or does something. She could wait until the other passengers leave, and pull her guitar case from the overhead. Maybe someone offers to help her and she jerks it away (as a bit of foreshadowing). Is there security at the spaceport? How about customs? What does it smell like? Put us there, in Anaya's head, and reveal it through what she sees, hears, and senses. Drawing your readers into your character is one of the most effective ways to draw them into your story and your fictional world.

which was covered with stickers from many countries and planets.My Comment: Passive voice.

“Thanks,” she said, slinging the strap over her shoulder and reaching into the case to get the money for the fare and handed Duren the money before sliding out of the car and walking into the Adrastean.My Comment: run-on sentence.

Anaya’s phone rang as she entered the hotel. She pulled out her phone and answered it. “Hello?”My Comment: "phone" repeats between these two sentences. Repeating words and phrases can give your prose a monotone feel, so it's better to have more varied word choices. Here, you could use "it" in the second instance.

As the elevator went up to the fifth floor, My Comment: "fifth floor" repeats from prior sentence.

“They put a bounty on me?” Anaya slowly nodded and Aiden said, “I knew this was coming as soon as I read those classified documents. If only I were brave enough to have done something with them after going through the trouble of duplicating them. And now it’s too late.”My Comment: He thinks he's going to die. This conversation really didn't seem credible to me, especially given that his next action is to flee. I'd think that would be his immediate response. In addition, the conversation breaks the building tension of the scene.

Jupiter’s red tint reflected off the blade, which struck like red lightningMy Comment: "red" repeats -- I like "red lightning." I'd just drop the first "red."

We’ve got your location and are sending our nearest representative to your location to pick him up.My Comment: location repeats.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

"Invalid Item"

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

338

#3289093

Review of Not Quite Nirvana

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Not Quite Nirvana"

Author Katrina Lantz

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
This opening chapter is in two segments. In the first, we are in Anna's head. She's disturbed that her boyfriend keeps appearing in her dreams and so she's come to his home in the middle of the night to ask him why this is. She enters, climbs the stairs to the forbidden second floor, where she finds him apparently dead on the floor. It would appear, though, that his lifeless state was an illusion...

The second half is in her boyfriend's point of view. We are in another time--apparently he can manipulate time--and in an undetermined location in space. He is using his mental abilities to find someone who has the power to save his world. There's the mysterious Caleb, who seems delusional, but then he stumbles across Eric. He's convinced Eric is just what he needs.

__________

Style and Voice
This is all third person limited. In the first half, we are in Anna's point of view, while we are in William's in the second half.

__________

Referencing
This appears to be modern day, although I stumbled at one point in this regard.

__________

Scene/Setting
In the first half, this was sufficient for staging purposes, although I could have used a bit more to help me picture the interior of the house.

In the second half, I really couldn't visualize what William was sensing or where (or even if) he was physically located. I understand you may have been intentionally vague on this, but the lack of sensory input made this second half of the story much less intense. Essentially all we have his William's thoughts, and it's hard to sustain the fictional dream without some additional cues to help orient and stimulate the readers.

__________

Characters
Anna, uncertain and a bit afraid, but still determined.

William is quite enigmatic. He appears young, but he's over 90 years old. He apparently has telepathic powers, at least to the extent of invading peoples' dreams and manipulating time. He's either dead or alive, or maybe dead some of the time and alive other times (that's a good hook, by the way). In the case of both characters, I wish I had a better sense of their physical appearance.

__________

Grammar

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (well, there are over 40 in this short chapter), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in

STATIC

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

Overall, this is a pretty good opening chapter. You've introduced your protagonist -- I assume that's William -- and hinted at the conflict he must resolve. You've given enough background to your fictional world to hook the readers without overwhelming them needless detail. There's a good hook at the end, and good sense of tension and mystery. I have several comments below on some technical details that I think might improve this, but overall I thought it was quite good.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
There were no lights in the windows, so she knew he wasn’t awake. Still, there had to be some explanation for the dream that startled her awake, and if he could explain it, even just a little bit, it would be worth driving over here to wake him. My Comment: I tend to be really picky about openings. This is your first and best opportunity to draw your readers into your story. Some editors will make the decision on whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence, so it's critical that a new author have a strong first paragraph. Your opening is pretty good.

We know that we are in "her" point of view, and that she's had a dream, and that she's seeking answers. However, I wish that you had named the two characters right off the bat. There's really no reason to keep the readers wondering. I'd also think about re-working slightly to have your character doing something in the first sentence - peering at the windows, parking in front of the house, anything that puts her in motion. That will help to draw readers into your story, which is critical during the opening paragraphs.

The brass door knocker shone in the shape of her fingers. She reached up, matching her fingertips to their silhouettes on the horseshoe shape.My Comment: "fingers" and "fingertips" used in these sentences. Repeating words and phrases can give your prose a monotone feeling, so it's usually best to choose words that don't repeat sounds from sentence to sentence.

Yes. Manners didn’t matter. She had a right to know what he had done to her.My Comment: excellent tension!

And it wasn’t long after she met him that she began to suspect that Will was hiding something important. He always looked perfect, not a blemish. That was too much for any woman, but then there were his other oddities. Why was she never allowed upstairs? Why was he always so thirsty? He was the only person she knew who carried around a gallon jug of water. But most of all, how did he appear in her dreams? She was beyond believing it was just random chance. She had never dreamed of one man so frequently before. Besides, he was too real in these dreams. Too much himself, and not enough her vision of him. My Comment: Here, you are telling the readers facts rather than showing them. This actually stops the action of the story. I wonder if the readers need to know all of this right now or if you could reveal it later, through the words and deeds of your characters?

The stairs creaked, just as she expected. My Comment: I wish you had given just a touch more description here. Do the stairs curve up the second floor? Is there a balcony overlooking the entry? Are there shadows upstairs that draw her forward or scare her? Perhaps her shoes tap on the marble floors and the echo is lost in the shadowy depths of the house.

Her toes carefully reached each step, softly, softly. My Comment: Here are some of those adverbs I mentioned. The "carefully" tells us she's being careful, and the "softly" tells us she's making little sound. You might think about the visual cues would let an observer conclude she was being careful and think about a way to describe what little sound she does make. Perhaps, for example, she hesitates on each step and her toes "test" the next one, letting her weight settle. Maybe she winces and retreats as the third step squeaks. Maybe her feet whisper against the carpet like the wind sighing through the trees.

an old glass lantern sat on a single round table in the corner, its flame waning with little oil remaining. My Comment: I'm wondering now about the era in which the story is set. Is the lamp an anachronism, or does this tell us the ere pre-dates electricity? Since she gets in a car later, that means that the lamp is unusual enough that she might think about how strange it is.

Standing beside her with pain in his eyes, Dr. William Astor removed the bent door that trapped his girlfriend inside the totaled car. “Don’t worry, Anna,” he whispered softly in her ear as he lifted her lightly from the bloody seat. “You won’t be haunted by me anymore. You won’t remember anything. I promise.” My Comment: We've been deeply in Anna's point of view up until now, but this suddenly shifts us to William's. Since Anna's unconscious, this is a POV violation, as she can't hear him say these things.

“I’ve found him at last,” he grinned to himself. “Eric Pierce will save the world.” My Comment: Good hook.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

"Invalid Item"

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

339

#3284129

Review of Field Of The Doves.

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(ASR)
A list of items needing reviewed by the WDC Power Reviewers.
#1325649 by KC under the midnight sun

I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "Field Of The Doves."

Author ADRealist

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
I see that you are new to Writing.Com, so I'd like to extend a welcome to the site. This is a great place to grow and learn as an author. I've made many friends here, professional and personal, and my writing has improved immeasurably from the reviews I've gotten from the generous and talented authors on this site. I hope that you find your time here as valuable and productive as I have.

__________

General Impressions
There is much to admire in this item. The writing is polished and the grammar nearly perfect. There are places that shine, and there's a fine gleam to the atmosphere. But I have many suggestions as well, as you will see below.

I think that my biggest suggestion involves the long expanses of narration that fill this piece. One of the ultimate strengths of this novel will be the deeply detailed fictional world that you have created. It's both necessary and good that you've created this world before you started writing. But...you're readers don't need all of these details and philosophical ruminations now, at the beginning of your novel. They're here to read a story. What they need now is to make an emotional connection with at least one character and, through that character, to your fictional universe. The long narrated paragraphs of background do just the opposite: they distance the readers from your story. We don't know the gender of your narrator until page four, and learn his name even later.

One of the primal commands of fiction is "show, don't tell." Almost all of this chapter is telling rather than showing. Even the best writing, and your prose is quite good, won't engage the reader's emotions if it's all narration.

Your note says that you've had many hits, but no reviews. I think one reason is exactly all the narration. Another possible issue with respect to reviews may be your font choices, which are peculiar for this site. I have a high-resolution, wide-screen monitor, and your item wouldn't fit on my screen because of the font size. I had to copy it to word and re-size it before I read it. Since I always do that anyway, it wasn't a big deal for me. But I think it might be an impediment to getting readers. I'd just use the default WDC fonts.

Finally, a over 4000 words, this piece is a bit long, from a reviewing perspective. Reviewing is harder than reading, and most reviewers get fatigued after about 2500 or 3000 words. If you were to break it into separate items, "Part One" and "Part Two," I also think you'd get more reviews.

Now, on to the nitty-gritty.

__________

Plot
Well, I confess, there wasn't a lot of plot so far. There's a huge amount of background, and then we have Koda caring for the Luupin. At the very end, some ruffian's attack him with a stone, and bind him. Apparently they are interested in his charges, but worried he might be breeding were-wolves?

__________

Style and Voice
First person, in Koda's point of view. He seems to be relating this from the distant future, and with the advantage of hindsight. Thus, this is almost an omniscient first person narrator.

Now, much great literature uses an omniscient narrator, but it is much out of fashion today. Modern readers expect to make an emotional connection with the characters, and the omniscient narrator works against that.

__________

Referencing
I hate to keep mentioning the narrated background, but since it's so much of this chapter I can't seem to avoid it. There is so much background here that readers will lose track of it -- my head was spinning three pages in. You have to know the background, as the author, but the readers need to get it a snippet at a time, just when they need it. If you show the background in a dramatic scene, rather then telling the readers about it, they will remember it and it will be more immediate and intimate for them.

__________

Scene/Setting
Again, I'd like to see more specific sensory images rather than the broad-brush generic ones that dominate this chapter. I like the broad-brush, too. It's always good to have a sweeping overview, but it's the details that make the scene come alive. As one example, you mention the rough texture of the Luupin pup tongues on Koda's face -- that's great! It's a specific sensation and it's in his point of view. Why not add to this scent of the litter, and the feel of their fir, the sound of their little voices yipping at him? Immerse the readers in the what he sees, smells, feels, thinks...

__________

Characters
We mostly meet Koda, but it's the older Koda we get to know best. I liked the younger Koda better, because I got to know him better. You showed him doing things, put words in this mouth, had him interacting with other people. You brought him to life.
__________

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters.
This was pretty good, although it seemed a bit...overdone. I'm not sure people would really talk quite that way. I know you're suggesting another era, with more flowery patterns of speech, and I don't want them talking like Valley Girls. But it just didn't quite feel authentic either. I'm not quite sure your characters have distinctive voices, perhaps because I was a bit put off by the affected manner of speech; that may be the cause of my reservations.

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma split occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more in the line-by-line comments below.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they imagine events along with the author. I've written in more detail on this topic in "Long Musings on Short Stories"

Another essay you may find valuable is at:
http://www.sff.net/people/Roger.Allen/essays/mista...
Roger MacBride Allen is an award-winning Science Fiction author who's also led professional workshops for authors. The above essay has many useful tips for writers.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
__________

In the sunshine of our village and grassy meadows nearby, the play of children had a sound different than that of many other places and eras of time.My Comment: Openings are critical. They are your first, and best, chance to capture the attention of readers and editors. The best openings establish a connection between the point of view character and the reader, orient readers in space and time, and have the characters doing something. The opening here is all narrative and description. So one suggestion is that you find a way to start in media res, with your characters doing something.

I'd also beware of sentences where the main verb is a form of "to be." Here, "the play had a different sound." There's nothing wrong with a simple, declarative sentence, but in fiction it's often better to have more movement and action. For example, if "the play of children sounded different..." then the main verb is an action (sound) not the existential "had." Finally, if the sound is different, show us how it's different rather than telling us a fact. Perhaps it "sings in harmony with the bids and the breezes" or perhaps it "snaps the silence like a bat's wings." Perhaps you just want to describe the merry laughter of children at play. But show us some sound, directly or with simile and metaphor, so that the reader can infer that it's different. That little step of inference is one way to draw readers into your story.

As we walked through the garden in the twilight hours when both sun and moon shown bright in the sky, a long moment of silence lead me to ask a question to my Councilor and now step-uncle, “Hey Rocco, leaving the village is evil, which is why I’m not allowed to come with you?” spoke I, with eyes dropped to the dirt as if reading messages in the corn stalks running along its surface- “and learning ‘the ways of violence.’”My Comment: We're nearly halfway into this chapter, and this is first time we hear a character speak or see a character do something. The rest is narrated summary. My advice is to launch your story here.

Tied with thin rope on my waste band was a stick dipped in layers of tar, wax, and tree bark which had done a fine job of smearing on my shirt,My Comment: typo: waistband.

Why do they speak differently than we do, wouldn’t there be less ‘complication’ if we all spoke the same language and lived together in one big village?”My Comment: comma splice

At this he groaned, “Oh, Your pups are hungry Koda,My Comment: At last we learn the name of the point of view character; it was just a few paragraphs ago we learned his gender.

We fed the Luupin only a small part of their overall diet. Commonly my people would see them hunting in wide circles around the outskirts, bringing down big game like Elephant Caboose and mighty Elk with tusks protruding from its jaws and great antlers sharpened on stones for a deadly touch. My Comment: This stops the story while the author narrates some facts over the next couple of paragraphs.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
"Invalid Item"

340

#3278204

Review of Two Words

Review by

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in "Invalid Item"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Two Words"

Author PandorasBox

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Alexis meets her lover Marcus in a restaurant. Alas, he is there to say "goodbye." She sits in tears, sipping coffee, when a stranger approaches her draws out her story. His warmth and kindness make her realize that there is more to a relationship that reckless good looks.

__________

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Alexis' point of view.

__________

Referencing
Probably modern day, and in a seaside community.

__________

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging. However, for this story, I'd consider more. For example, Alexis' apartment could give us many clues to her relationship with Marcus. It should be full of his things, and nothing of hers, for example. I made some further comments below. The setting in the cafe was complete.

__________

Characters
Alexix, at first infatuated and then bereft. We never hear Marcus speak, but he's clearly a narcissistic jerk. Michael, warm and understanding, is well-drawn.

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. I think I can understand why Marcus never speaks, but I think you would have a stronger story if we heard his words and saw him revealed more thoroughly. Also, I'm clueless what the two words of the title are. Goodbye and Farewell are each one word, so I'm at a loss.

We do meet Michael through his words and deeds, and he's a strong character because of it.

__________

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in

STATIC

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

Overall, I liked this story quite a bit. I do have some suggestions, though.

First, you have a small time reversal in the story. You start with Alexis in the cafe, after Marcus has left. There's then a flashback that starts with Alexis at home, waking up, and preparing to meet Marcus. But there's no tension, because we already know how the meeting will end from her melancholy state at the opening. So...I think this would be stronger if you started in where she wakes in the morning. You could add some elements of foreshadowing to warn the reader this won't be a normal date. Maybe, for example, it's unusual for them to meet instead of Marcus arriving to escort her. Maybe the cafe has some particular resonance to their relationship, or perhaps they saw someone break up there recently. In any case, I think you'll have a better story arc without the flashback.

It would be nice if the story arc included something that linked first and last paragraphs by contrasting Marcus and Michael. Perhaps when Alexis wakes, she sees a text message from Marcus reminding her of the date and and ending with the word, "Goodbye." Then, at the end when Michael introduces himself, he could say "Hello" to her. (Of course, I'm showing my age by thinking of the Beatles lyrics: "you say hello and I say goodbye...")

Overall, I liked this story quite a bit. Alexis is a well-drawn character, and one that we can believe in and understand. The theme and her realization is nicely done as well.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
Alexis sat in the cafe, staring listlessly into her coffee cup and willing herself to be still and calm. My Comment: I like openings that name the point of view character, have her doing something, and orient the reader in space and time. This one fits all three requirements, which is quite difficult to do. Nice job!

Her face gave away none of the turbulent emotions that were clamoring for her attention, the only give away was the chattering of the small silver spoon around the edges of the cup as she stirred her coffee. My Comment: comma splice

She had woken up energized and happy as she did on any other given day, ready to meet the challenges of the day and thinking of her Marcus. Daydreaming about their dateMy Comment: "day" used twice, followed by "daydreaming." Repeating words and phrases like this can give your prose a monotone feeling.

She had bounded out of bed at about half past eight, scaring the wits out of her cat Winston who yowled at her in disapproval and scampered out of the room in a huff. She had jumped into the shower and in a record 5 minutes she was finished and hurriedly brushing her teeth, trying not to look at the clock every 30 seconds. She threw on the light green summery dress she had laid out with care the night before and after a few lashings of mascara and a quick application of lip gloss she was ready to see her love. My Comment: These are great, active, vibrant images. But they appear in long, complex sentences. People read longer sentences more slowly, so this slows the pace of the action. If you were to break this up into shorter sentences, it would read faster and hence emphasize the frenetic pace of her actions.

After two years her heart still beat faster at the sight of him, she felt carefree and wonderful when she was with him. My Comment: comma splice.

So intent of her thoughts of Marcus was she that she almost collided with an old lady My Comment: I believe it should read "So intent ON her thoughts of Marcus that she almost..." and then you could omit "was."

had looked up into the bluest eyes she had ever seen. Startled she wrenched her eyes away and hid behind the laminated pages, My Comment: "eyes" used twice...

He had wild brown hair that begged her touch, she could imagine running her fingers through that hair. My Comment: comma splice

She had nodded as he ended it with the cliché that they would still be friends, as she felt her insides shatter like fine crystal. My Comment: the "she felt" distances the reader from how she feels. It's usually more intimate for the reader to describe what she felt directly. In this case, "while her insides shattered like fine crystal" would work, and highlight your wonderful simile.

The skies that before had been a clear blue radiating a gentle warmth had taken on a grey cast, all the colors of the day had become flat and stale, and she was cold.My Comment: comma splice. Also, "was cold" is a little tepid compared with the other, strong imagery in this sentence. Maybe a chill settled over her heart, or some other imagery?

She was woken out of her dreary musings by a light touch upon her arm,My Comment: "was woken" is passive voice. This puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your story, so it's usually better to use active verb forms.

She found herself admitting that she had had to change who she was for Marcus, and that it had always seemed as though she was never good enough for him.My Comment: rather than telling this kind fact in narration, you might consider showing by some element in her apartment. Maybe she took down the frilly curtains that she liked and replaced them with blinds to please Marcus. Maybe she used area rugs to cover the hardworod floors he disliked, or dyed her hair to meet his expectations. Let the reader infer this, rather than narrating it.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

"Invalid Item"

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

341

#3263783

Review of Moving On

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Moving On"

Author BScholl

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I see that you are relatively new to Writing.Com, so I'd like to welcome you to the site. This is a great place to learn and grow as an author. I hope that you find your time here as rewarding as I have!

__________

Plot
Moving men Clew and Zane arrive at a mansion on a hot day. Their job is to pack the contents of the home and take them to an auction house. They speculate on the family that owned the place. They're a bit envious of the wealth, and imagine that the owners must be shallow, self-centered folk. In the twist to the tale, it turns out their assumptions were wrong...

__________

Style and Voice
This starts more or less in Clew's point of view, then shifts to Zane's, and then ends in Kathy's, one of the owners.

I think my first suggestion for this story would be to pick one point of view and stick with it, at least through the first part before Kathy appears. Indeed, I'd try to find a way to have one point of view for the entire story if possible. Readers tend to connect emotionally with characters, and in a short story there's usually not time to fully develop more than one character. Thus, in order to deepen the readers' emotional connection with your story, it would be stronger to stick with one POV character.

__________

Referencing
Your opening does a good job of establishing the mansion, but I was less certain about where and when this was happening. There is a moving van, so it's at least 20th century, but I couldn't tell if this was supposed to be a MacMansion in a US suburb, or an exlusive neighborhood in, say, Buenos Aires or Naples. I think a touch more orientation in time and space would help--just having Clew or Zane say "MacMansion," for example, would help a lot.

__________

Scene/Setting
You established the home beautifully.

__________

Characters
Clew and Zane come across pretty well. Kathy flashes in at the end with the emotional intensity of a meteor.

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. The dialog between Clew and Zane was wonderful! I especially liked the rendering of their dialect.

__________

Grammar

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in

STATIC

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

My main suggestion for this story has to do with the point of view, as noted above. My other suggestion has to do with the ending. The tension dissipates when Kathy asks, "how much would you have paid?" and storms away. The rest seems anti-climactic to me.

Overall, I really liked the theme and plot of this story. The moving men as a metaphor for what happened to Kathy and her family is wonderful, and Clew and Zane are great, fully-drawn characters. Indeed, the characters are the great strength of this story, and you do a wonderful job revealing who they are in their words and deeds.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________

The old truck rumbled down the lane toward a wrought iron gate. Beyond was a beautiful sand colored stone house. My Comment: I tend to be quite picky about opening sentences and opening paragraphs. These are your first and best opportunity to bring your readers--and editors--into your story. Some editors will decide whether or not to read your story based exclusively on your first sentence.

This opening has some great descriptions, and orients the reader in space quite well. However, it's all description. We have to wait until the second paragraph to meet the point of view character see him actually doing something. Starting in media res is good advice because it helps to draw readers into your story. It would be an easy matter, for example, to reframe your opening sentence to have Clew driving the truck and smelling the flowers. By establishing his point of view you can more effectively draw your readers into his head, and hence into the story. If the scent of the flowers waft his way, or the gate creaks when it opens, the additional sensory information can do the same thing.

Multiple windows lined each floor with the grandest, most intricate one being above the front door towering above the circle drive that lead directly into a wide set of steps ascending to a set of large cherry doors. My Comment: This sentence is a bit of a run-on.

The bright sun shown on the green plush lawn and gave a stark colorful contrast to the flowers in full bloom. My Comment: typo: "shone"

Then swung the gates wide open and attempted to latch each side.My Comment: typo: missing word. HE then swung...

Clew finally figured out the latches, and he walked slowly up the modestly steep lane. My Comment: "slowly" is one of those adverbs I mentioned here. I'm not sure if he "trudged" or "strolled," since both are "walking slowly." Notice, though, that those two possibilities each offer a different subtext to his walk.

A large walnut dining table complete with place settings and candelabras adorned its top. My Comment: "top" repeats from the preceding sentence. Repeating words and phrases can tend to give your prose a monotone feeling, so it's usually better to vary word choice. Also, this sentence almost sounds like the candelabras are on top of the place settings, which I'm sure is not what you meant.

what initially appeared to be a liquor bar with stools against the far wall.My Comment: ears prick up...so they will discover something about the bar. Good foreshadowing...except that it turned out to foreshadow nothing. Maybe his is where they kept the drugs. Kathy's revelations at the end could then include showing them IV's and related medical stuff in the cabinet. you might also then make the cabinet part of their conversation toward the end.

Clew was sweating profusely as he stepped out of the living room and into the foyer. My Comment: Here, the author has inserted a fact: Clew was sweating. Instead, you might consider showing him sweating: perhaps he wipes his brow and squints as the sweat burns his eyes. The difference is small, but it shows the character responding to the sweat (showing), rather than the author telling us he's sweating. It also helps to reinforce that we are in Clew's point of view.

The breeze felt good as it rushed playfully through the white curtains.My Comment: I like the visual image of the breeze playing with the white curtains, but the "felt good" is more telling. Maybe he spreads his arms and the breeze flows under his shirt and cools his sweat-soaked torso. The idea would be to show them feeling good from the effects of the breeze rather than telling the reader about it.

He peered into one of the opened boxes and saw a stack of framed family photographs. My Comment: We've more or less been in Clew's point of view up until this instant, but you're telling us what Zane sees, so we've hopped into his head.

He curiously picked up a few of them, and perused through them.My Comment: This is another of those adverbs. Here, "curiously" tells the reader what's in Zane's head. If you said "he frowned and reached for the photographs," the reader would infer he's being curious from his body language. That little step of inference is another way to draw readers into your story. In addition, since Clew could see him frown, you could stay in Clew's point of view.

Kathy saw the moving truck parked in the drive directly in front of the stairs.My Comment: Good cues that you've shifted point of view to Kathy. However, the "Kathy saw" filtered the sensory information through your character. It's usually more intimate and immediate for your readers to describe what she saw directly. So, I'd consider establishing her point of view by having her first park her car and maybe have the heat blast her face when she leaves the air-conditioned interior. That establishes that we've switched to her point of view. Then you could describe her walking toward the truck, all jammed with boxes and give us her thoughts, etc.

“Six year old birthday fishing off the coast of Miami”, she said softly as the wind twisted her long red hair.My Comment: I love the wind twisting her hair! But..."said softly" is another of those adverbs. Did she murmur this? Maybe she whispered it? A more precise verb can help paint a more accurate emotional picture.

“Cheers on dat,” Clew raised his thermos. “No more maid and gardener for dem! Heartless rich bastards.”My Comment: If I understand the staging, Kathy can't see them, so she can't see him raise his thermos. Thus, this is a POV violation.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

"Invalid Item"

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

342

#3261592

Review of Taken Chapter 1

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Taken Chapter 1"

Author holz1812

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I see that you are new to Writing.Com, so I'd like to add my welcome to the site. This is a great place to learn and grow as an author. I can't begin to tell you how much I value the many friendships I've made here, and how indebted I am to the talented authors who have shared their knowledge of the craft. I'm a better author because of that. Indeed, I doubt I would ever have published without what I've learned here. I hope you find your time here as productive and rewarding as I have.

__________

Plot
Anna wakes, bound and gagged, inside a storage container. She's fearful, and can't remember how she got there. The last thing she recalls is being with her boyfriend, but she's sure he can't be to blame.

The story then shifts to a somewhat jaded Police Inspector, James Bowlenn, as he scrapes himself out of bed in the morning. We learn a bit of his background in a flashback. Doubtless, James will investigate Anna's disappearance as this novel develops.

__________

Style and Voice
The chapter is all in third person limited. Initially, we are in Anna's point of view, then we shift to James. There is a brief interlude in the flashback where we are in James' father's point of view, before we return to James.

__________

Referencing
The last paragraph informs us that the main story is set in 2008. The flashback is in the 1980's. From the spelling and a few other hints, I infer we are in the UK, in an urban setting.

__________

Scene/Setting
You did a good job with the storage container. I was right there with Anna as her senses came into focus and she eventually deduced her surroundings. There was less detail in the second half, but the scenes in James' apartment are likely less critical to plot.

__________

Characters
We meet Anna, James, and, briefly, James' parents.

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. Due to the plot and the scenes, there is not a lot of opportunity for dialog here, except maybe in the flashback.

__________

Grammar

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps! Note that this article gives US usage; UK usage is likely to be different.

I also noted a couple of run-on sentences in the line-by-line.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in

STATIC

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

I mention the above essay because I want to discuss the narrated background that appears in this chapter. Surely this is all important, but I'm not at all certain that the readers need to know this right at this instant. In addition, narrated background is all "telling" as opposed to showing. For example, the little bit of background about Anna's boyfriend is something the detective might discover through interviewing him and/or Anna's friends. That would reveal this information in a dramatic scene, in dialog. That would constitute showing, since we learn this through the spoken words and deeds of the characters, as opposed to the author stopping to tell us the background. Narrated summaries like this tend to pull the readers out of the story and interrupt the fictive dream. So, my biggest suggestion for this story is to rework the background material into dramatic scenes, perhaps later in the novel.

I also have reservations about a flashback in an initial chapter. Flashbacks are a useful tool for the novelist, but they present some special challenges in terms of how the author transitions in and out of them. Both the flashback and the return to the timeline of the story should be clearly marked. In addition, it's a good idea to immerse your readers first in the story and the characters before taking them to the past. Once again, a flashback, especially in a first chapter, can interrupt the fictive dream and pull the readers out of the story.

Overall, though, I think you've got a great start here. Your opening scene is full of mystery and terror, and we get a good sense of Anna's turmoil and of her character. The Detective is also an interesting character, with a troubled history--much like the detectives of noir fiction pioneered by Dashiell Hammet. There's a number of places where I think you could fine-tune the prose that I've noted, but I do think this is a great start, with a clearly well-thought-out plot and strong characters!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
It was dark and she could feel the damp underneath her feet.My Comment: I tend to be picky about first sentences and opening paragraphs. This is your first and best opportunity to engage your readers. Some editors will decide whether or not read your submission based exclusively on the first sentence.

So...this one orients the reader in space (it's dark and damp) and lets us know that the point of view character is a female. But...here's some ways to think about improving it.

First, is there some reason to NOT name your character in this sentence? That's another way to orient the reader. Second, you start with a statement of fact (It was dark) as opposed to an action. For example, suppose you wrote instead that "Anna peered into the gloom." Now you've conveyed the darkness through her action, you've named her, and you've placed the readers in her point of view. Finally, when you say things like "she could feel," you filter the sensory information through your character. Instead, it's usually more immediate and intimate for the readers if you describe the sensation directly. They will infer she felt it, since you are in Anna's point of view. Thus, you might consider something like "the ground squished under her feet" or "she shuddered from the chill of the damp earth against her feet" if she's barefoot.

She felt the panic creep up on her and overwhelm her entire body.My Comment: This is a nice image, but note the "she felt."

She screamed loudly into the abyss and pulled hard against the thick, coarse rope that bound her arms and feet to the chair. My Comment: Can one scream "softly?" I'd omit the adverb, as it adds nothing and slows the exposition.

Trying and failing to slow her now racing heart she breathed in and out very slowly and deeply,My Comment: Mark Twain once said that every time he was tempted to use the word "very," he would use a cuss word instead. He knew is editor would remove the cussword, and then his sentence would look the way it should have in the first place. "Very" is one of those adverbs that add little to a description and can almost always be omitted or replaced with a more precise verb.

She could smell the rancid scent of her own fear sweating off her skin and realized she was alone.My Comment: "she could smell" is like "she could feel."

She listened hopelessly in the dark trying to listen for the slightest creak in the darkness but could only hear the thudding of her own heartbeat in her ears.My Comment: "listen" and "listened" appear in this sentence. Repeating words and phrases like this can give your prose a monotone feeling, so it's usually better to have a more varied word choice.

The two young lovers had been together for two years now.My Comment: This stops the story and launches several paragraphs of narrated background. This is surely important information, but right now the readers just need to know what relates to her predicament, not this background. Later, you can reveal this in a more dramatic way, in the words and deeds of your characters, rather than in a narrated summary.

Having had an exceptionally bad night’s sleep partly due to his neighbors upstairs playing really bad and incredibly loud music for most of the night and the immense heat wave the papers were now referring to as the scorching summer of 08Õ he looked hopelessly at the thread bare curtains in the hope of anything but more the forty degree heat that the radio had promised. My Comment: This sentence is a bit of a run-on.

The curtains hung still and lifeless as he rose out of his bed and pulled on his freshly pressed black suit trousers and shirt his head gave way to a very painful headache induced by the bottle of Bell’s he’d drunk last night trying to bring about an alcohol fuelled sleep which he now bitterly regretted. My Comment: Another run-on. You need a period break after "shirt."

He stifled a vague and drowsy laughPERIOD were these people madQUESTION MARK what did the public think he did all day sit around contemplating the meaning of life?My Comment: Another run-on.

Kelly had left James after a long 10-year relationship shortly before his 39th birthday a few months ago.My Comment: This is more narrated background that tends to take the reader out of the story.

As much as he hated it James was turning into the man he hated, his father.My Comment: Another repeated word: "hated."

That was his mother after all always trying to keep a smile on her face no matter how tragic things got.My Comment: This launches a flashback. These can be useful, even critical, in novels. But this one interrupts the action of Bowlenn waking and pulls the reader back in time without much preparation. It's particularly dangerous to have a flashback in the middle of a first chapter, where the readers are just getting accustomed to your fictional world. Again, this conveys background that is not essential at this point in the story. I'd consider moving this segment to a later chapter.

At another pub a short walk from the estate James Bowlenn Senior was avoiding the birthday celebrationsMy Comment: Here we've changed point of view to Bowlenn senior since we are out of sight from Bowlenn junior.

As he stumbled his way towards home he started to blame his wife for the state he was inMy Comment: This clearly is in Bowlenn senior's head...

b}

Twenty-one years later in 2008 having lost the love of his life Bowlenn hated looking at himself in the mirror as he saw the same twinkle in his own eyes as he vividly remembered his father having in his. The same twinkle and smirk that came before the first blow to his mother.

My Comment: And this ends the flashback and returns us to the present and the story.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

"Invalid Item"

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

343

#3258785

Review of V V Chap One - revised 8/26/09

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found the chapter you posted on the review request page, but I noticed that it was for chapter 2 of a novel, and that the novel was the second volume of a set. So...to start at the beginning, I decided to read chapter one of part one instead. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "V V Chap One - revised 8/26/09"

Author C.J.Ellisson

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Dria finds a body in a hotel suite. It seems that Dria and her husband Rafe run a hotel in a remote part of Alaska that caters to vampires. That's convenient, since Dria is a vampire and Rafe is her human spouse. Anyway, they puzzle over what do with the mystery corpse, and finally decide to stick it in an outbuilding and let it freeze. At least for now.

__________

Style and Voice
First person present, in Dria's voice.

I have some reservations about this choice. In general, first person is more difficult to carry off than third person. For one thing, you're restricted to one character's voice, and it can get tiresome after a while. There are some other challenges that become more difficult as well, such as descriptions of the main character and handling their impressions.

As to present tense, again this is more difficult to sustain successfully.

Both of these choices can increase intimacy and immediacy, but it's hard to avoid making the reader feel like they are perched on the shoulder of the character seeing everything they see. Surely, some really fine works of fiction are first person present - "Fight Club" and "The House of Sand and Fog" come to mind." So it's certainly not "wrong." It's just hard. For the most part, this chapter worked, which is a tribute to your skills. But I still have reservations, just held in abeyance due to the strong voice of Dria so far.

__________

Referencing
Modern day, with lots of little clues here and there about the elements of this fictional world.

__________

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging purposes. There's a reference to "cabins" and to the "north wing," so I'm not sure if this is a luxury hotel or more rustic. My personal preference would be for a touch more detail, but what you have is surely sufficient.

__________

Characters
Dria is the jewel in this chapter. She's funny, impulsive, in love, and all-around interesting. We see Rafe through her eyes, but mostly he's a foil for her so far. Mr. Vaughn plays his part well.

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. The dialog between Dria and Rafe was great! It exposed much about both characters and their relationship with minimal telling. I had no problem distinguishing between spoken and telepathic parts of their exchange, the latter being more challenging to present.

__________

Grammar
I didn't see any grammar errors. I think there were one or two typos.

__________

Just my personal opinion
This is a really strong start to a novel. I sense this is going to be a "locked room" mystery of some kind, but with the twist that some of the suspects are vampires. The characters are strong, the situation is interesting, and the murder just adds to the overall flavor. I also sense we'll get some erotic interchanges between the characters to spice things up. Overall, this is an auspicious start to a novel -- one of the best first chapters I've read in quite a while on here.

Since you are writing a horror novel, you might consider participating in one or more of the divisions of

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

This item number is not valid.
#559910 by Not Available.

There are at least two divisions within these workshops that might interest you. The "Fantasy Keep" includes horror writers, and the "Erotica Harem" sometimes has horror authors, too. Since one of your objectives, according to your bio-block, is to get reviews, the workshop is a great place to do this.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________

I open the door to find a body at my feet.My Comment: Great opening sentence!

The rich smell of blood causes my canines to lengthen. Reaching out in the darkness, I flip on the switches.My Comment: Much as I liked the first sentence, the rhythm of these two sentences broke the spell for me. Indeed, they didn't seem up to the polish of the rest of the chapter...

“Crap, look at the rug.” My Comment: Who is speaking here?

Examining his brown hair and twenty-something face, I don’t recognize him as a vampire servant either. My Comment: I'll insert a picky comment here. In his book, "The Art of Fiction," John Gardner argues against the leading participle phrase. His reasoning is that it is indirect and separates the verb from the subject. This leads, in his view and somewhat in mine, to less evocative prose. Now, participles can be our friends, but you've used them a lot so far -- enough that I noticed. Any construction that's used often enough to be noticeable is worth examining. So, I'd suggest that you look at all the opening participle phrases and see if this might read better if you eliminated a few.

I could send the metalic smell filling the air,My Comment: typo: "metallic"

Rafe’s my human husband. The mate bond ritual we shared sixty-five years ago, combined with our frequent, mutual blood exchange, keeps him from aging.My Comment: This felt a bit like an author intrusion, or at least the narrator stating a fact that she wouldn't be thinking.

“Unlucky stiff,” Rafe comments. “What do you know so far?”

He looks back over his shoulder and smiles at me. My Comment: I paused for a moment at this. I'd take his gesture of looking back as part of his speech, and hence would have put it on the same line as his words. Since you put it in a new paragraph, I thought for a moment the prior speech had been hers, not his.

Rafe steps close, lifting a hand to run through my long copper hair.My Comment: Would she refer to her own hair's color?

Our inn is renowned for helping to reveal hidden fantasies and help bring them to the surface. It’s one of the big reasons clients come back again and again. That and the amazing sex they all have when they’re here. My Comment: another place that feels like the story stops while the narrator tells us a fact.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

"Invalid Item"

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

344

#3257629

Review of 3 Hours: In the Balance Ch. 1

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in the in-depth review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "3 Hours: In the Balance Ch. 1"

Author Just Bursting

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I see that you are new to Writing.Com, so let me welcome you here. This is a great place to have others read your fiction and to learn and grow as an author. I hope you find your time here as productive as I have.

__________

Plot
Barry Leach is the jaded anchor of an MSNBC news show. He's ashamed at the pandering and shallowness that passes for news on the networks, and longs to do real journalism. He's given his chance when the Chinese ambassador makes an astonishing threat on his show, and then pulls a gun. (!)

__________

Style and Voice
I'd have to say that this is written in third person omniscient since we know the thoughts and feelings of both Barry and the Ambassador. Indeed, there is a moment at the end when we are in the head of Barry's producer, Rachel.

Now, much great literature is in third person omniscient. However, this is very much out of fashion today, and would likely constitute a major impediment to publication. Today's readers--and editors--expect a more intimate and immediate style rather than the detached, all-knowing narrator who can jump from one character's head to another. Thus, scenes in most modern fiction are in third person limited. What this means is that reader sees everything through the eyes and ears--and sometimes the thoughts--of one character. So, for example, at the end where you tell us what Rachel is thinking, you might instead have Barry overhear her end of the conversation and see a surprised expression on her face. She might say to him, "They'll be right back to us," and BARRY might think that they are never that responsive. That conveys the same information, but keeps it all in Barry's point of view.

A novel with the scope and complexity that this one is certain to have will almost certainly have more than one point-of-view character. The general rule-of-thumb is that you should have only one such character for each scene. Thus, in this scene, I'd focus on just one of your characters. It could be the Ambassador or Barry. It could even be the producer, depending. But my main suggestion for this chapter is to pick a POV character, and stick with that person throughout the chapter.

__________

Referencing
The opening narrative sets this story in the near future.

__________

Scene/Setting
This was quite sparse. How many cameras were there? Do they still have those annoying red lights on them? What are the studio lights like? Does anyone speak to Barry in his earpiece? A news studio is something we've all seen on our TVs, but it's something very few of us have seen from the inside of the studio. You could add a few more details to help ground the readers -- not too much, though! Just enough to establish the setting.

__________

Characters
The sense I have is that Barry will be the protagonist in this novel, and he is certainly the best-drawn character in this chapter. He started out idealistic, but now has made sacrifices to get the starring role on his show. I infer he must be good-looking, since you reference the "Hollywood" stars that the networks put in front of the cameras, but I don't have an exact sense of his age or appearance.

__________

Grammar
I tagged a couple of apostrophe errors in the line-by-line comments below. You can find a practical style guide at
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/621/1/

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in

STATIC

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

The above has a slightly longer explanation of the "fictive dream" and how it relates to point of view.

I also have to say that I didnt' quite find the situation in this chapter credible. I've added some comments in the line-by-line on this subject, as well. On the other hand, I'm kind of a political junkie and policy wonk, so maybe most readers won't be bothered in the same ways I was.

I'd also think about revising the opening paragraphs. First, they seem to be in Hung's point of view and I'd revise them to Barry's. Second, though, there is a lot of "telling" in these first paragraphs. This, too, can be deadly when an editor reads an opening chapter, especially from an unknown author. You might start, instead, with Barry having his makeup put on while his producer harangues him about the interview. You could convey almost all of this information through that conversation. Be careful, though, that they don't tell each other things they already know. They can speak of the old times, for example, but they shouldn't tell each other what it's like now. The conversation should lead the reader to infer the history and underlying circumstances--that little step of inference is one way to draw readers into your story.

Overall, though, Barry is a strong character and you've put him in a situation -- where he learns of a pending Chinese attack -- that challenges his skills. He will almost certainly have to grow as a person in the course of solving the riddle of why the Ambassador would reveal this information in this manner and what he needs to do about it. You have the opportunity to put the readers inside the world of a high-powered network news show and to show the dynamics of how that works. Most readers will likely find this inside look, in the middle of a crisis, fascinating. (Personally, I stopped watching network news well over a decade ago, largely for the reasons you described in your opening paragraphs...but that's another story.) Anyway, you have a strong character and the beginnings of a blockbuster plot! Keep writing!!!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
but he wanted to cover hard news so bad.My Comment:My Comment: Up to this point, I thought we were in Hung's point of view, but now this shifts the reader to Leach's.

Finally, he thought, Barry Leach will get to pay the bills. My Comment: And now we're back in Hung's point of view.

We have been waiting for one hundred years for your country to cease it’s tirade of power all over the globe.My Comment: typo: "it's" is always a contraction for "it is."

Hung threw him. Leach had a look on his face as if the Ambassador had just tried to sell him some desert ice.My Comment: Now we're clearly back in Leach's point of view.

“I’ll say it for you right now, Barry. I have full authority from my government to tell you that unless we see troop movement out of Taiwan within three hours, our Bombers will continue their current flight and Washington will be no more.”My Comment: This is hardly a credible development. Wouldn't US radars know about the approaching bombers? If they DO know, this is rather pointless. If they DON'T know, then they just blew their primary tactical advantage, namely surprise. This kind of specific threat is also unlikely to be delivered in this manner. For example, during the Cuban Missile crisis there were many back-channel lines of communication. Today, leaders can call and talk to one another directly. This threat might have propaganda or other purposes, but generally I don't find it a credible way for the Chinese Ambassador to react.

He knew he needed to show dignity for his country, but then he remembered that they were live. My Comment: So if they are live, one can presume that he doesn't have to do anything: the President will know within minutes since the White House Press office is doubtless monitoring this interview.

Leach looked off camera to Rachel Brown, the shows producer, standing twenty feet away in the shadows of the set.My Comment: typo: "shows" should have an apostrophe, show's.

She had a call coming in. It was Dan Melton, reporter for The Wall Street Journal. Then another beep. This was Harold Jackoby, New York Times. My Comment: So...she didn't take the WSJ call? Otherwise, her caller ID can only show one call at a time...

Can I have Gerry Stiles, its Rachel Brown at MSNBC?My Comment: typo: should be "it's" for the contraction. Also, this is a comma splice.

Wow, never got that type of service before, Rachel thought.My Comment: ...and here we are in Rachel's head.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories" .

"Invalid Item"

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable **

345

#3250327

Review of The Blood Rose

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "The Blood Rose"

Author kmacinnes

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I see you are fairly new to WDC, so I'd like to welcome you. I joined nearly three years ago and, like you, I had ambitions to publish a novel. With the generous helps of others here on WDC, I learned much about fiction writing and now have two novels and numerous novellas and short stories in release. This is a great place to share your work and to learn and grow as an author. It's also a great place to find friends and colleagues in our mutual journey to better writing. So...welcome to WDC! I hope you find your time here as valuable as I have.

Also, I only read Chapter One in what you posted. After about 2400 words, I find that the quality of comments drops off considerably. I'd suggest that you post each chapter as a separate document; many reviewers will skip something that's over 7000 words, since that's a lot to critique in one sitting.

__________

Plot
This launches the story of Edward. We first meet him as a child when his mother seeks refuge in a monastery. Alas, she dies after just one night, but a friendly monk takes Edward in and cares for him. The novel then skips ahead five years, and we see Edward save a young girl, Katherine, from drowning. When Edward returns to the monastery, he learns that the Rector has arranged for him to leave and live with a farming family. Edward flees as this news. There is a brief interlude where Katherine's father lectures her about mingling with riff-raff, followed by another short scene in which Edward and the monk who saved him discuss his fate.

__________

Style and Voice
Much great literature uses an omniscient narrator, and that seems to be the narrative voice here. However, this is very much out of fashion today, and most editors--and readers--prefer a more intimate style. The most common approach is third person limited, where the author writes in the third person, but does so from the point of view of one character, or, at least, one character per scene. In this style, the author only relates things that one character can sense, think or feel. The reader infers the thoughts and feelings of other characters through their words and actions, including their body language. The idea is that, by putting the readers into one character's head, they will get a more immediate and intimate experience.

I've rambled on about this, since my main recommendation for this story involves point of view. Except for the short scene between Katherine and her father, this is Edward's story, and I write the entire thing from his point of view, starting with the very first sentence. You've got a good opening: the prose is eloquent, you orient the reader in space and time, and the descriptions glow. But it's all detached from a character, which makes it harder for the modern reader to "get into" the story. If you were to tweak your opening by putting it in Edward's point of view, it would be that much stronger. For example, you might start with Edward clutching at his mother's dress and staring at the early morning sky...

I've marked some places in the first chapter where the point of view seemed to switch about, and where you might refine it by emphasizing Edward's point of view, or Katherine's in her section.

__________

Referencing
From the start, we know we are in a medieval setting, and this permeates the entire chapter. Nice job on this!

__________

Scene/Setting
This was quite good, too. There are evocative, active descriptions running throughout this chapter. You might consider tweaking here and there to put them in Edward's point of view, but otherwise they were quite good.

__________

Characters
You have strong and distinct characters: Edward, Philip, and Katherine seem to be major players, with the Rector perhaps a villain. There's a bit of telling about their histories and attitudes where showing would be stronger--I've made some notes in the line-by-line--but the characters themselves are well thought out, interesting, and strong.

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. There are a few places where you've chosen to narrate what people said instead of actually showing what they said. I'd recommend expanding these to show the actual dialog.

__________

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in

STATIC

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

I think you have a really strong start on your novel. You have at least two good hooks in your first chapter: Edward's fate as he is exiled to the hinterlands, and the possible romance with Katherine. The characters are strong and believable, and you've clearly devoted thought and research to your fictional world. There are some elements of fictional craft that could stand some tweaking, but I think this is an excellent beginning!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________

A pilgrimage of people were making their way up the dirt road that lead to the cathedral.My Comment: Syntax in English is so much fun. I think the subject is "pilgrimage," which is singular, so the verb should be "was." I think it should be "led" instead of "lead," too.

Some had traveled hundreds of miles to pay tribute to the Saint that had payed the ultimate price for his beliefs hundreds of years before.My Comment: Should be "paid."

The monk marked a cross on the boy’s forehead, this time Edward smiled at the monk and told him that one day he would like to be a knight. My Comment: Here you've narrated the conversation instead of showing it by putting words in the monk's mouth. It would take just a touch more to show the actual exchange, and would make the incident more dramatic.

Edward sat, transfixed, on his mother’s shoulders looking at the light streaming through the stained glass. As if touched by God, the picture of Adam digging in the ground under the tree of knowledge seemed to come alive as the light from the sun filtered through it.My Comment: This is the first place where we have a clear sense of point of view.

In the morning Edward awoke, shivering, his mothers body was no longer warm. My Comment: comma splice.

“Remember what I said to you yesterday Edward, that’s all you need to know. Your mother is safe now in God’s hands and I am here to take care of you.”My Comment: We don't know what the monk said yesterday...is there some reason this is being kept from the reader?

The next five years went by quickly, and Edward had grown tall and strong. The monks had taken him in after his mothers death, and had clothed and fed him, even allowing him to sleep in the dorm with them. My Comment: With this paragraph, the story stops while the author tells us stuff. Do the readers need this background right now? Is there a way to convey this information in dramatic scene rather than narration? There is a strong fashion today against this kind of narrated background, especially this early in a story. Since you've expressed an interest in publication, you'll need to take this fashion into account.

Without thinking, Edward dove into the river, and felt along it’s bottom for the girl.My Comment: typo: "it's" is always the contraction for "it is," while "its" without an apostrophe is the possessive of "it."

Katherine had grown up in an affluential family from town.My Comment: ...more narrated background...

Katherine turned to see her father walking towards them.My Comment: You've been in Edward's point of view until this sentence, but now you've jumped into Katherine's when you say what she saw. If you instead said she turned when her father's boots crunched on the gravel, then you're describing something that Edward would hear and you stay in his point of view.

The Prior didn’t much like Edward, he took the attention of the monks from prayer. My Comment: Comma splice -- I'll stop pointing these out. Also, you are telling the readers the Prior didn't much like Edward. It would be stronger if you showed this, perhaps through his body language or words. Maybe he scowls when he sees Edward arrive, or rolls his eyes. Maybe the monks leave their prayers, and he scolds Edward for interrupting. Showing these actions will lead the readers to infer his dislike and the reason why. That little step of inference is one way to draw readers into your story.

Philip saw Edward out of the corner of his eye, but it was too late.My Comment: This puts you in Philip's point of view.

Katherine’s dress was still wet, and hung heavily over her body by the time her father had carried her through the front door of their house.My Comment: Here, you are starting a new scene so it's okay to change the point of view. Since we are out of Edward's sight, it's also necessary. I'm guessing that we'll be in Katherine's point of view, but it would be better if you could establish that in this sentence. Perhaps a clammy shiver runs through her as her wet dress clings to her skin. That describes what she's feeling, which helps to put the reader into her head.

he had always been overprotective of her. My Comment: ...this launches another paragraph of narrated background, which again stops the story.

Philip found Edward sitting under the cloister looking out at the grass courtyard.My Comment: This seems to put the reader in Philip's point of view...is that your intention? You could have Edward look up when he feels Philip's hand on his shoulder; that would return the reader to Edward's point of view.

“The intricate tracery of the vaulting is said to be the characteristic of the late English Gothic style.” Peter said, pointing to the ceiling of the cloister.My Comment: Peter or Philip?

Philip could see that Edward was angered by what he had over heard,My Comment: Now we are firmly in Philip's point of view. Also, you are telling us what he could see, as opposed to describing Edward's body language and letting the reader infer that he's angry.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

"Invalid Item"

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

346

#3242347

Review of A Pretty Cherry Gig

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "A Pretty Cherry Gig"

Author Sean Arthur Cox

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Humphrey is down-and-out on his luck, and so he feels lucky to take what looks like a "cherry job" as the maintenance man on an orbital station around Jupiter. The downside is that it's a ten-year contract, and his only companion will be a know-it-all AI with the personality of HAL from 2001. Halfway through his contract, Humphrey devises a strategy to stave off madness...

__________

Style and Voice
Mostly this is third person limited, in Humphrey's point of view.

__________

Referencing
There are many details about the evolution of artificial intelligence and artificial personalities, along with their implications for Humphrey's job. There are fewer details about the station itself, although these are not central to the plot.

__________

Scene/Setting
This was sufficient for staging, although I could have used more. For example, in places where you tell us how bored Humphrey is, you might describe the drab corridors and, maybe, a minor defect in the paint that he's run his fingers over a thousand times. The setting gives you an opportunity to show the dreary sameness of the station.

__________

Characters
Mostly we've got Humphrey and Peter. I love the parts where Peter and Humphrey talk to -- and past -- each other, such as when Humphrey cracks little jokes that Peter takes literally. In other places, though, you describe their conversations in narration rather than showing them. I think you've missed more opportunities for humor by not showing Peter attempting to psychoanalyze Humphrey instead of telling us about it.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (well, there are over 90 in this story), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

Most of your adverbs strike me as unnecessary clutter; for example, you use "only" ten times, "really" seven times, and "exactly" five times. These adverbs rarely add anything and tend to slow the narrative.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in

STATIC

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

I think this is a clever story that fits the classical model of science fiction shorts. Humphrey is an agreeable character, Peter is suitably annoying, and "little Pete" is amusing. I'm guessing that there are SciFi markets that will favorably consider this story as-is. However, I also think that there are quite a few places where the story stops and the author intrudes to tell the reader stuff. Now, I know this often happens in published SciFi. However, I also think you'd have a stronger story if you found a way to convey this narrated information in a more dramatic form. In fact, in some cases you will tell the reader something that you then show in the next paragraph. My strong preference is for showing over telling. I've tried to mark some places in the line-by-line comments below to help emphasize this point.

Again, I think this is a clever story with engaging characters and a cute ending. I liked it a lot, and expect that you will find a market for it.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________

“Peter, could I get training in, say, advanced computer programming?”My Comment: Openings are critical to your story. They are your first and best chance to grab the attention of your readers and potential editors. In fact, I've heard that some editors will decide to reject a story based only on the first sentence. Unfair as that seems, as authors we need to take this into account.

My ideal opening orients the reader in space and time, names the point of view character, and puts that character in action, either through word or deed. In addition, the opening should connect in some way with the plot or theme of the story. In this case, you have characters speaking, which is good, but their voices are disembodied and lack context. I'd consider adding some kind of action at the very start to try to accomplish more of the above objectives.

Humphrey Wallace stood before the booth contemplating.My Comment: This feels like the author intruding by stating a fact. If you described Humphrey's body language in a way that let the reader infer that he's contemplating, you'd get a more immediate and intimate image for the reader. For example, you might say that he pursed his lips and frowned, or tapped his fingers on the side of the booth while his eyes stared into space. That little step of inference is one way to draw readers into your story.

Scratch accomplished, he moved his left arm to his waist and perched his right elbow on it, his right hand casually stroking his beard, as if to emphasize the deep intensity of his consideration.My Comment: "stroking his beard" is great -- it's exactly the kind of description of non-verbal action I mentioned above. I don't think you need the "as if to emphasize..." as it's telling something you've already shown.

He hoped it was perceived as real. My Comment: "was perceived" is passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your story, so it's usually better to use active verb forms.

His brown, thrift-store, three piece, tweed suit didn’t exactly scream man of means.My Comment: Most editors will recommend against more than three consecutive adjectives modifying a noun.

your paychecks will be deposited into a high yield banking account,My Comment: more passive voice...

It was supposed to be a real cherry gig working Oroboros.My Comment: This is one of the places wehre the story stops while the author tells the reader stuff. I think it would be stronger if you showed much of this information. For example, you could have Humphrey press a button that sent the report back, and reflect that was it until next month. He could scan through the available movies and decide he didn't want to watch "Star Wars" a fifteenth time, and so on.

Artificial intelligences always had a better way to perform tasks, with no regard for creativity or personal quirk. Peter, for instance, was incessantly sharing with Humphrey ways he could have just played their most recent game of chess better, ways to be more efficient when brushing his teeth, ways to be more reasonable when choosing his entertainment. My Comment: Here you are telling us things that you show, via dialog, in the next paragraph. Showing is more effective, and telling us ahead of time weakens the dramatic impact.

“Hello, Little Pete,” came a voice Peter did not recognize.My Comment: This slips into Peter's point of view, since you are telling us he didn't recognize the voice. You show this in his next speech, so you don't need to narrate this bit of information.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

"Invalid Item"

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

347

#3236728

Review of When Love Changes Everything

for entry "Secrets"

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "When Love Changes Everything"

Entry Reviewed: "Secrets"

Author JarredH

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Hi! I saw your posting in "Invalid Item"

asking for a review of this chapter, and so I thought I'd give it a shot. I also see you are new to WDC, so let me welcome you here! This is a great place to learn and grow as an author, and to make new friends. I hope you find your time here as valuable and rewarding as I have!

__________

Plot
Joshua is fourteen and is having troubling, erotic thoughts about his best friend Timothy. Joshua's parents are also Baptists and he's certain that he'd be in Big Trouble if they learned about these troubling thoughts. He says a little prayer, and heads out to school.

In the second segment of the chapter, we shift to Tim's point of view. Tim seems to be more conventionally masculine, and defends his friend in the face of aspersions from an holder athlete in the school. He's also defensive when a perky coed shows up who says that Josh is "strange." However, Tim seems oblivious to what troubles Josh.

__________

Style and Voice
The first half of the chapter is third person limited, in Josh's point of view. The second half is third person limited in Tim's. I made a couple of comments in the line-by-line below where I thought the point of view might have slipped a bit.

__________

Referencing
Well, they are in mid-high school since they are fourteen. There's mention of soccer, and a cabin in the woods. There's no cell phones, video games, or social networking, so I'm guessing this is sometime in the not too distant past.

__________

Scene/Setting
While sufficient for staging, this was a bit sparse for my taste. I could have used a touch more detail about the school: is it old or new? What smells permeate it? Do the halls echo when they are empty? If the school is going to be an important setting, giving a touch more detail would be helpful.

__________

Characters
Mostly we meet Tim and Josh. As introductions go, this is pretty good. We learn that Josh is from a conservative Christian family who takes his religion seriously. We also learn that he's having erotic feelings about his best friend. He's increasingly having a hard time controlling them, and at the same time he seems to loathe them. Tim is sketchier, but he is clearly loyal to his buddy and fits in better in hell junior high. The other two characters, Becky and Duncan, are shells right now that you will doubtless fill in later. It would be useful to have the relationship between Tim and Becky clarified; is she his girlfriend, or does she Know His Secret? Or does he even have a Secret?

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. The dialog between Tim and Josh was credible, and they each seemed to speak in a distinctive voice.

__________

Grammar
I saw a couple of typos, but no substantial grammatical problems. Good job! I almost always find some fine point of grammar to whine about when I do a review like this.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in

STATIC

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

Overall, I thought this was a pretty good start for your novel. However, I have to say that I *really* disliked that you started in a dream sequence. I think you could have achieved the same thing if you had shown the two of them together rough-housing and have Josh run off, terrified that he'd gotten an incipient erection. Alternatively, you might have him wake from an erotic dream about Tim. However, starting with Joshua IN a dream, but with no hint that it WAS a dream, really pulled me out of the story. I would venture to say that you would lose most editors at that point, too.

Another point on publishing. If you intend to have erotic content in this story, making your characters less than 18 will most likely make it impossible to get published in the US. My own publisher is quite open to many things, but any sexual content involving minors is certain to be rejected due to legal difficulties. I'd really suggest that you make your characters in their first year in college, or else sanitize it to remove sexual content.

Overall, I enjoyed this chapter. Your characters are engaging, and I really felt Joshua's pain and his loneliness.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________

Joshua Harding walked through the front entrance of Williamson High school at a brisk pace. He nodded to friends and exchanged casual greetings with a couple classmates. He weaved his way through the other students, heading for the hallway that would take him past the cafeteria and to his homeroom. He paused and turned as he heard a familiar voice call, “Hey Josh! Got a second?”My Comment: I tend to be super-picky about openings. This is where you capture your readers (and your editor!) or lose them.

On the positive side, this opening names your point of view character and has him doing something. On the not-so-positive side, what he's doing isn't very interesting. The ideal opening would also give a hint of the conflict that is to follow.

Another minor point is the "walked...at a brisk pace." You're correct that "walked" is a pretty tepid verb, but I wouldn't pep it up with the prepositional phrase. Instead, I look for a more precise verb (maybe "strode") or add a touch more description to paint a more vivid picture.

Tim took a deep breath and explained, “Well, I want to talk to you about a few ideas I have for backdrop for scene two.” My Comment: Did you maybe mean THE backdrop?

Tim barely noticed as he shuffled through the papers that had been stuffed hurriedly in his backpack.My Comment: We started in Joshua's point of view, but this sentence is perilously close to hopping into Tim's head. You're telling us he barely noticed and giving us a bit of history that only he could know, namely that he'd hurriedly stuffed the papers into his backpack. Now, if you say he didn't look up while he pawed through the crumpled papers in his backpack, you've conveyed essentially the same information but have described in a way Joshua might perceive it. That keeps you in Joshua's point of view. In addition, the readers are inferring little bits about Tim, like he's barely noticing since he's not looking up. Those little steps of inference help draw readers into your story.

Josh nodded. My Comment: Tim just nodded in the prior paragraph. Be careful about repeating words and phrases as this can make your writing seem monotone.

Josh awoke with a start. He let out a strangled gasp before his mind began to process his surroundings. He looked round, finding himself in his own bedroom. His sheets were pushed off to one side, probably due to him moving around in his sleep. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself. He willed his heart to return to a slower rhythm. “It was only a dream. Only a dream,” he whispered. “It doesn’t mean anything. Guys dream about all kinds of things.”My Comment: Arghh. Okay, you lost me here; there was no hint that the opening was anything but real and so this abrupt change completely pulled me out of the story. Dream sequences are tough to do, and launching a novel with one is especially risky, as readers will likely feel cheated.

Tim stepped off his bus the next morning and spotted Josh’s “Jesus Freak” shirt forty feet ahead of him in the crowd. “Hey Josh!” he called out. “Wait up!” Josh took a few more steps before stopping and turning around. Tim studied his buddy’s face as he approached. “Something wrong, Josh?” he asked as he got closer.My Comment: There's a new scene, and a switch to Tim's point of view...you did a good job of marking this with the asterisks, and your lead sentence established the change in point of view immediately, so there's no confusion. Excellent!

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

"Invalid Item"

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

348

#3208109

Review of WIP: Chapter 1 - Orion's Last Stand

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "WIP: Chapter 1 - Orion's Last Stand"

Author ChrisRand

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
This appears to be the first in a set of rip-roaring, space-adventure stories. There's lots of action here as a routine patrol of a battle group stumbles across a mysterious vessel in what appears to be a "first alien contact." Cautious investigation goes suddenly bad as the target attacks. The scouts go first, and then the proud battle group.

__________

Style and Voice
The general rule of thumb for commercial fiction is "one scene, one point of view." The idea is that this will immerse the readers in that character and so improve the "fictive dream" that is the author's goal.

This story is an extended scene in the battle cruiser, and it starts in Lenvov's point of view. It shifts in brief interludes to Hernandez's point of view, but Lenvov is predominant. I'd recommend making the slight revisions needed to keep the entire story entirely in Lenvov's head.

__________

Referencing
Lots of little details establish this as a story set in the future, with interstellar travel and a "Federated Hegemony" that launches battle groups. This implies a NEED for battle groups, which in turn implies some kind of conflict, either with other human groups or with aliens. I infer that this is a "first alien contact ever" story. Thus, I infer that there are human systems that are in at least potential conflict with the Hegemony. You might consider clarifying this at some point as the plot develops in later stories.

I'd also be careful about revealing things in narration as opposed to through the words and deeds of your characters. I made at least one note in the line-by-line on this.

__________

Scene/Setting
This was a little sparse. Providing a touch more details to the various scenes, especially the bridge, gives you an opportunity to sneak in those referencing details without the narrated intrusion of an info-dump.

__________

Characters
Lenvov is the major character. Hernandez plays a role, along with "Monkey" and "Wrench." I loved the monikers for the latter two, along with their terse dialog.

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. The dialog on the bridge was quite good. You showed a crew that had long history together is comfortable with one another. Their conversation is a mix of banter and professionalism that I'd expect under the circumstances.

__________

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in

STATIC

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

The ending to this chapter was quite abrupt. I wonder if you might show damage reports start to come into the bridge and the controlled chaos of a CIC close in? Perhaps some of the other elements of the flotilla call in and then vanish? I'm hoping that at least some of the engaging characters in this story will recur in later ones. If not, I think you should give the reader a stronger clue as to their fate.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________

Keeping his diet healthy while still catering to his tastes, namely the timeless classic of a good cheese and pepperoni pizza.
Sentence fragments are acceptable in dialog or in a person's inner thoughts. If you intend this to be Lenvov's thought, it should be in italics.

The call that interrupted his much anticipated dinner was from the bridge. The Officer of the Deck reported an unknown contact on the ships sophisticated scanning equipment.
Here you've inserted a tiny time-reversal (flashing back to the call), and you are narrating an important incident -- in fact, the incident that launches the plot. Thus, in the interests of a linear time-line, and of showing rather than telling, I'd recommend starting Lenvov being disturbed by the call from the bridge, showing the conversation and revealing it was startling through the characters' reactions and their words.

we just picked up this object 50AU's out from our defensive bubble. We wouldn't have known about it until later but one of our patrol interceptors picked it up on it's DSS equipment.”
"picked up" repeats in these two sentences. Repeating words and phrases like this can give your prose a monotone feeling.

“Speed Mike?” Lenvov inquired.
I think he might ask for "vector" instead, which would give direction and speed. It doesn't matter how fast it's going if it will miss the ship, right?

“Christ, that bastard is moving” Lenvov whispered back. “Nothing we have can move like that...”
Have they established it's not a natural object? Is it maneuvering, for example?

This interested Lenvov.
This is telling. If you said instead his "eyebrows crawled up his head," or "chills ran down is spine," then the reader will infer he's interested and surprised. That little step of inference is one way to draw your readers into your story.

Department heads, make readiness reports to the bridge, this is not a drill.”
Comma splice.

Calmly reaching for the hand set next to his station Hernandez informed the Communications Officer to prepare a message drone that would be launched when the Skipper had loaded in the relevant data,
"Calmly" is telling. It also puts you momentarily in Hernandez's head, when you've been in Lenvov's. What non-verbals would permit Lenvov (your POV character) to infer he's being calm? Also, you need a comma after "station."

Then, connecting to the wardroom, He spoke quickly and quietly to Petty Officer Jones informing him of the Captain's desire for some fresh coffee.
You've narrated the dialog. Why not show it? That way you can also show him "murmuring a hasty order" (more vivid than "spoke quickly and quietly").

“Why is there always a Jonesy?” wondered Hernandez to himself. In his 11 year career, there always seemed to be a Jonesy on the other end of the phone when he called for coffee.
Now we're firmly in Hernandez's POV...a shift from the opening paragraph where we were in Lenvov's.

The next tension filled ten minutes were spent by Lenvov typing out a quick but accurate report
"were spent" is passive voice, which puts your readers in a receptive, passive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your story. Thus, it's usually better to use more active verb forms.

“Understood, put the patrol on the speakers, let's hear what's going on out there.”
comma splice

We're turning in now, keep the lights on for us.
comma splice...

“OK Monkey, let's keep it nice and tight. This one's for all the marbles.” Ordered the male voice to his wingman.
typo: you should end the speech with a comma since it is followed by a dialog tag.

“Can it you two, or I swear I'll bust you both down and have you flying cargo ships full of staff officers.” cut in Lenvov trying his best to not grin at the antics of the two pilots.
Now we're back in Lenvov's POV...

No combat pilot worth his or her salt could bear the thought of being reduced to what was, essentially, a civilian pilot role. Especially for the brass. Since combat pilots, as well as the crews of the ships on deep space patrols, were known for their lax treatment of military protocol, having to deal with the stuffiness of the higher echelon of the military eventually rubbed them raw to the point where they were either begging for any combat command or just resigned in frustration.
The story stops while the author tells us stuff. I don't think you need this paragraph at all -- its implied in the above dialog.

Ahead of her was displayed the icons for Jackal flight,
"was displayed" is passive voice.

Tension suddenly griped the bridge. Lenvov and Hernandez both clenched their teeth together at the same time. "Don't you die on my you silly bastard" thought Hernandez.
Typos: "gripped," not "griped." "me," not "my." Also, we've now hopped into Hernandez's head.

Lenvov leaned back in his chair, feeling the dampness that had started to soak through his uniform.
...and we're back in Lenvov's POV.

Release Authorized Jackal, splash that asshole.
comma splice.

Orders were being relayed, and ships moved. None of it made any difference. One hour and 25 minutes later, the Orion and her escorts were transformed into a debris field floating aimlessly through space.
more passive voice.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories"

.

"Invalid Item"

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

349

#3207042

Review of "Two Letters"

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. Thanks for asking me to review your story. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: ""Two Letters""

Author Marty Edwards

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

General Impressions
This is a touching story about two letters that the narrator's father wrote for him when he was in elementary school. The letters reveal much about his father and their relationship.

Plot
The story starts with the narrator having lost an assignment for a dreaded, and dreadful, teacher. He sits in his room crying in despair when his father discovers him and learns of the problem. His father writes a sealed letter to the teacher; when she reads it, she tells him he may turn the assignment in late and stops picking on the narrator.

The second letter had been written a year earlier. The assignment this time was for a parent to write a letter about their child for the teacher to read to the class. The father's letter is a glowing testament of love and devotion, which the narrator has never forgotten.

Style and Voice
First person.

Referencing
Modern era; the exact place and time are not specific, which isn't necessary for this story.

Scene/Setting
I found this to be sparse to almost nonexistent. This is consistent with your narrative style, which is more conversational than fictional.

Characters
Truly, we only meet the narrator in the this story. THe other characters scarcely speak. We learn a bit about the narrator, and a lot about his feelings for his father, so you do a good job with him. I wish I had heard the father speak, though, and knew what he looked like. Did he wear Old Spice cologne, or does he smell of pipe smoke? Is he bald, thin, tall, short? WHat does his voice sound like? He's really the central figure here, and yet I don't feel I know him.

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. I'd like to see a lot more dialog in this story. I'd like to hear old Grendel sneering comments, and the gruff father speaking to his son. I'd like to hear the child's voice, along with that of the more mature man remembering these incidents.

Grammar

Comma Splits.

A comma split occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma when a period or semicolon should be used. I've noted several of these in the line-by-line comments.

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (well, there are 44 in this short piece), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've noted a couple of adverbs in the line-by-line, but I'd recommend that you go back and look at each instance to see if you can't find a more precise verb or a touch more description to make your images more vivid.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. I've written in more detail on this topic in "Long Musings on Short Stories"

I liked this story a lot, but I think you need to be careful about narration as opposed to showing things. This is one of the challenges with a first person point of view: it's easy to fall into the conversational mode of telling the story, as if over a dinner table, rather than showing it through the words and deeds of the characters. THere's nothing particularly wrong with a conversationaly approach, except that it's very much out of style today and will make this a difficult story to sell. Now if you were to change the incidents you narrate to ones where the characters speak to one another, then I think you'd have a real winner with this heart-warming tale.

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in GREEN.
My comments are in RED.

The complex intricacies of the father-son relationship is perhaps best left to Freudian psychologists and their endless volumes of speculative analysis, I certainly don't fully understand it.My Comment: The subject, “intricacies,” is plural, so you should write “ARE perhaps best left…” Also, this is a comma splice, with the break after “analysis.

However, I am a son and under the auspices of some instinctual desire I will always be bound by a need to understand the man that is my father. My Comment: should be “WHO is my father,” although “that” is becoming accepted usage.

They sum up his paradoxical nature better than I ever could and have given me a rare window into my fathers soul that most sons are never fortunate enough to see.My Comment:typo: missing apostrophe in “father’s.”

She had it out for me, she embarrassed and harassed me at every opportunity. My Comment:comma splice.

. My teacher whose name fortuitously rhymed with “Grendel,” the monster from Beowulf, harshly and consistently emphasized the importance of this project and even felt it necessary to warn me specifically “not to screw it up,” compounding my anxiety about the assignment.My Comment:This is telling. It would be more intimate and immediate for your readers if you put words in the teacher’s mouth and showed her interacting with narrator instead of narrating this incident. Also, you just said above that her name wasn’t important, then tell us her name as though it IS important. Note that the adverbs “harshly” and “consistently” tells things about how she spoke. If you put words in her mouth and describe the tone and her body language, then your readers will infer that she’s being harsh and consistent. That little step of inference, which happens when you show instead of telling, is one of the ways to draw readers into your story.

Bothered at first he picked me up (probably with one hand as he truly was a large and rather intimating figure)My Comment:I think you mean “intimidating” not “intimating” figure. Also, editors frown on parenthetic comments.

I shared my concern with him and he apparently saw the logic of it and decided on a different coarse of action; he would write her a letter. My Comment:typo: “course” not “coarse.” Also, notice that you have narrated this entire incident rather than showing it. I’d recommend that you insert dialog, body language, smells, and other sensory information to bring this story to life instead of just telling it.

For a moment the Grendel just stared ahead of her at nothing, if I didn't know better I'd say she looked frightened.My Comment:comma splice

This was an unexpected turn of events but I couldn't see the harm, in fact it would be enlightening to see what this mysterious figure who was my father had to say about his son.My Comment:comma splice.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

350

#3201038

Review of Kind Words

Review by

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Kind Words"

Author Brittney Lynn

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Michelle is in a new job, in a new town, having followed her no-good boyfriend. Now he's not around and she's lonely. She visits a bookstore and finds a romantic note from "Adam" to "Allie" hidden in a copy of Romeo and Juliette. Adam avers his love, despite the fact that they have broken up.

Later, on impulse, she calls Adam to wish him luck, while knowing that Tony would never be so romantic. When Tony finally makes an abusive appearance, she decides to break up with him.

Meantime, her call to Adam has turned his life around. He decides against suicide and calls Michelle back to ask her out for dinner.

__________

Style and Voice
Third person limited, first in Michelle's POV and then in Adam's.

__________

Referencing
Probably modern-day.

__________

Scene/Setting
This was pretty sparse for my taste, although it was sufficient. I liked the full use of senses in the bookstore, for example, but I thought that you could have filled in more details at Michelle's apartment (or was it a house)? By showing more details there, such as Tony's photograph or some other detritus of their relationship, you can show that it's broken. For example, maybe there's a hole where, in a fit of rage, he'd shoved a fist through the wall. Or maybe there's a pile of dirty clothes he left for her wash, taking advantage of her without being around. Also, I was unclear whether or not they lived together. That seems likely, as Michelle re-located to be near him, but then where is he? A lot of these details can be answered just by describing the apartment.

__________

Characters
Michelle, the absent Tony, and Adam. This is mostly Michelle's story, and she is well drawn.

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. I wish there were a bit more of this.

Contractions.

People use contractions in normal speech, so, for verisimilitude, we should include contractions in our dialog.

__________

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in

STATIC