Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈's (mathguy) Reviews

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Review Requests: ON

1,660 Public Reviews Given

3,030 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

In depth, detailed, and supportive.

I'm good at...

Elements of craft that draw readers into your fictional world and your character's head.

Favorite Genres

SciFi, Mystery, Thriller, Horror

Least Favorite Genres

Fantasy

Favorite Item Types

Short stories

Least Favorite Item Types

nonfiction, poetry

I will not review...

I'm only interested in prose fiction. I will not review anything over 4000 words, nor will i review poetry. If you have a longer piece, please divide it into bite-sized chunks.

276

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3667796

Review of My Favorite Bison

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "My Favorite Bison"

Author Lesley Scott

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________

Plot
This sweet memoir tells the tale of when you worked for Jim Fowler of Animal Kingdom, and how you formed a relationship with a baby buffalo, Billy. This is amusing and touching at the same time, and I enjoyed reading it.

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Point of view and style
First person, appropriate for a memoir.

________________

Referencing
From the ending, I infer this must have been in the eary 70's. I didn't see any inconsistencies, and the specific dates aren't important anyway.

________________

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging, but I could have used more sensations. Most people won't really know what a paddock is like. The smells, sounds, textures, size will all be foreign to them. you've got some of this, but I could have used more.

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Characters
We've got two characters, the narrator (yourself) and the Billy. They both come through great. We especially meet Billy through his actions--after all, we can't meet him through his words! The incident where he's escaped and is "on a rampage" (what does that mean? What was he doing?), but calmed down as soon as you arrived speaks volumes about his feelings for you. Your's for him are clear from the tone and details when you describe the two of you together. That's the great strength of this piece.

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Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I know this isn't fiction, but some of the ideas above apply. You still want your readers to imagine events along with you, and for the incidents you relate to have an intimacy and immediacy for them. I've noted several places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you could tweak this to add that sense of "being there" for your readers.

I enjoyed this sensitive and, ultimately, sad story. thank you for sharing the the tale of your first love!

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
We never forget our first love. Sometimes we can’t pick out our love, it just happens. In my case, true love was a bison.Yes, he was a buffalo calf. Some how I formed a relationship with Billy. He was a wild animal, and I had to be on alert at all times. I worked for the Charles Towne Landing Animal Forest for Jim Fowler of “Wild Kingdom."He hired me on the spot after a cougar grabbed my forearm and refused to let go.My Comment: Openings are critical in any work. They are your first and best chance to draw readers into your world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not read your submission based only on your first sentence.

On the positive side, this opening orients the reader in time and space and tells them what this story will be about. However, it's all telling. This is a personal memoir, so I'd launch with it with the first time you saw Billy. What were you doing? What did he look and smell like? Where were you? Put us in your head with sensations and emotions, so that we can feel what you felt when you saw him. Make this immediate and intimate for the readers.

The first response when a 120 pound mountain lion holds my arm tightly is to make her want to let go.My Comment: Here, you've got a little time reversal that tells how you came to work for Fowler. However, it's not really part of this story, and pulls the reader away from the encounter with Billy. This is another story that deserves its own telling.

My responsibility was to raise all of the baby animals, My Comment: And this paragraph is all the narrator telling the reader stuff. It's important stuff for the story, but it's all telling and interrupts the story about Billy. This is about that relationship, after all, so this background stops that story cold before it even started.

At first, when I climbed into his paddock that was a nice split railed fence, Bill cowered in a corner, rolling his eyes in terror.My Comment: This is a great paragraph and should be part of the very start of the story, not lingering here almost a page in.

I started in college, I worked in the afternoon and weekends. My Comment: Comma splice.

Frequently the Dean had to pull me out of class because Billy was going on a rampage,My Comment: Instead of launching this incident with a summary of past events, I'd launch it with the specific event you're about to relate. You were sitting in calculus class, and her comes the Dean. He says, "Billy's giving us trouble again." He trudges from the class, but you walk with a skip in your step because you prefer Billy to calculus anyway. Bring the event to life, from start to finish. You do a great job once you're with Billy, but set it up with a couple of sentences that show you and the dean in motion, in word and dean, instead of narrating what happened.

One day, I heard the horrible newsMy Comment: Surely you remember exactly what you were you doing and how you heard this news. Again, don't summarize: show it happening!

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

277

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3666357

Review of Jacquelline Jilles Part I

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Invalid Item"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Crosstimbers Review Forum"

Author Oddt427

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________

Plot
Since this is "Part I," I infer this is the first half of a story. This is about one Jacqueline Jilles, an avaricious potato farmer and entrepreneur who resides at the base of a volcano on an asterodd in the Cassiopeia system. Seems Ms. Jacqueline isn't the most social or ethical person, so instead of hired hands she uses human clones, specially bred to be automatons, to harvest her crop of spuds. As far as she's concerned, the clones are like tools--when one breaks, she just zaps it dead. That leads to an unpleasant odor, so she sets up a conveyor belt to the volcano caldera and trains the clones to load it up with dead bodies...I can almost guess where this is headed...

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Point of view and style
This story channels the style of many masters of science fiction. There's an almost Victorian tenor to the prose. Many authors in the Golden Age of SciFi immitated Verne and others and created stories in this style. I grew up reading these kinds of stories and enjoyed them greatly. This was a nostalgic romp through that olden era.

But...this style--the omniscient narrator--has all but disappeared from fiction today. Even more, in this story all the action is narrated--told--and none of it is shown. Again, this was common in stories in the 50's, and one could find this kind of story as recently as 20 years ago. But, except for one SciFi magazine edited by a former astronaut, this style has disappeared from modern commercial fiction.

Today, readers want to encounter stories holistically, the way we encounter the real world. About 30% of modern fiction uses a first person narrator, and the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited. In the latter, the author chooses one character to provide the point of view and then reveals the story through the senses of that character. The reader encounters the fictional world by living in the head of that character. Instead of the narrator--or author--narrating background, the reader experiences things holistically, through the words and deeds of the point-of-view character.

I know that read my little story "Some Enchanted Evening"

since you sent me a review. Notice the disturbing point of view character in that story provides the point of view, and we learn that he's an evil kidnapper through his words and deeds and those of his victim. You won't find any narration in that story about what's "really" happening; we just see what the characters do and say and what the POV charcter thinks.

Now, what you have here is a great idea for a story. Jacqueline is an outstanding, if evil and heartless, character. I'd love it to be in her head and see her farm through her eyes. I'd love to smell the sulfurous fumes from the volcano, see the clones shuffling along, see her gloating over her wealth. Put the readers inside her head and you'll have a winner. Of course, the readers will be longing for justice...but then that's probably where part II is headed, right?

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Referencing
This is in the far future with advanced technologies. Of course, people are still the same, as your anti-heroine shows. One note, though: asteroids are not large enough to have active volcanoes. A volcano requires a molten core, and dwarf planets are not generally large enough. I seem to recall a recent discovery of an asteroid with an ice volcano, but that's not what you've got here.

Of course, in a story with interstellar travel probably includes faster-than-light travel, which is also improbable even though that concept permeates SciFi.

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Scene/Setting
One of the problems with the style you've chosen is that there's not really an opportunity to put the reader into this interesting location. One reason to read SciFi is to experience new worlds and places. Making that kind of experience intimate and immediate for the readers is what modern fiction is all about.

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Characters
As I noted above, Jacqueline is a great character, if only we actually got to see her in action, walking, talking and moving around in real-time as opposed to narrated summaries.

________________

Grammar
I made a couple of minor points in the line-by-line comments below. You've got a firm grasp of grammar, and I didn't find anything major to complain about.

________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I've already given you my major suggestion for this story, namely to rework it using a more modern narrative approach. You've got a great idea, a fascinating character, and a plot that's relevant to today. All of that have the makings of a great story.

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading this and I want more!

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
To refer to Jilles' Acres as a typical farm would be, at its core, a factual thing to do; There are, however, a few abnormalities that serve to make it unique. The most blaring of these glitches would more than likely be its location: The spacious ranch was tucked away on a back-water asteroid out in the Cassiopeia system, a chain of stellar rocks notorious for their lack of policing.My Comment: There are some capitalization errors here. You don't need to capitalize after a semicolon, just after a period.

TGMDA (Total Genetic Modification of Domestic Animals), a copious slew of hostile corporate takeovers (hostile in the sense of, more oft than not, physical aggress),My Comment: Almost all style guides advise against using parenthetic remarks in favor of dashes. This is especially true in fiction, where building the fictional dream is critical.

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

278

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3666138

Review of Kip

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Invalid Item"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Kip"

Author Wings

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I see that you are new to WDC, so I'd like to offer my personal welcome to the site. This is a great place to make new friends and to learn and grow as a an author. I hope you find your time here as productive as I've found mine.

________________

Plot
Kip's family is destitute and every night faces the same decision: go hungry or steal. Hunger wins, and Kip feeds the family, selecting victims from those who can afford to lose it. Alas, tonight things are different...

________________

Point of view and style
Third person limited, in Kips' head except for a short interlude toward to the end.

I'd really recommend that you not break point of view and stay with Kip throughout. You do a good job of showing the Lord's anger, so there's really no reason to switch to his point of view. It's not necessary for the reveal, either, as the pronouns do that for you.

________________

Referencing
Perhaps in the same era as Les Miserables? In any case, an era when a lord has armed guards protecting his keep.

________________

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging throughout; it was a little deeper in the courtyard where the fight occurs. My personal preference is for more setting rather than less, as it can advance character, plot and theme.

________________

Characters
Kip, determined and brave. The guards, bullies and mean-spirited. The lord of the keep...well, he can afford to be gracious, and, thankfully, he is.

________________

Grammar
This is really clean copy. Good job--I wish I could do so well!

I did think I spotted a comma error two--mostly missing commas after introductory phrases. I marked one example in the line-by-line remarks below.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

You've cleverly crafted this story to hide the reveal until after the fight, when Kip is in the Lord's chambers. That leads to some stretches in phrasing. In particular, there are several places where you write, "the youth..." or "the young thief" instead of "Kip" or using a pronoun. Now, I understand why you can't use a pronoun, and over-using Kip's name would be a mistake. Still, these felt like POV breaks--things that tended to pull me out of Kip's head and hence out of the story. In some cases, simple rewording would permit you to join sentences with a compound predicate and avoid this device. In others, you might be able to rephrase things.

I love stories with a twist, and this one delivered!!! Thanks for sharing!

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
Worse more was Kip’s family; My Comment: typo

The young prisoner immediately caught the attention of the bored group.My Comment: Here's a place where you could rephrase and avoid "yount prisoner." For example, you might say they stood and stared as the tableau entered the courtyard. That shows, rather than tells, that the arrival diverted their attention and avoids the little POV break.

Kip felt panic rise as a guard untethered the dogs. This little knife certainly didn’t feel like much protection. A silence seemed to descend as the dogs began to circle. Drool fell in ropes from the mongrels sharp teeth and Kip shuddered at the thought of those fangs coming near. My Comment: This paragraph has lots of great images and sensations. At the end, Kip shudders so we know he's afraid. My only quibble is at the start where you tell us he "feels panic" instead of showing the panic rising in his gut.

Planting a foot on the wall Kip dug the other into the dirt steeling for impact. My Comment: I think you need a comma after "wall."

The shiny black boots drew nearer its heavy footfallsMy Comment: "Boots" is the antecedent to "its," so the pronoun should the "their."

she said quietly.My Comment: This is one of those weak verb/adverb combinations I mentioned earlier. Perhaps she whispered or murmured, for a more precise verb choice.

“Hold on mother,My Comment: typo: "Mother" should be capitalized since you've used it as name.

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

279

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3666113

Review of Toot!

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Invalid Item"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Toot!"

Author richman3

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I see you are new to WDC, so I'd like to add my personal welcome to the site. This is a great place to make new friends and to grow as an author. I hope you find your time here as rewarding as I've found mine.

________________

Plot
This is the moving story of a son's loving memories of his mother and a wonderful outing long ago in an amusement park.

________________

Point of view and style
First person, in the son's (Josh's) head. No slips.

________________

Referencing
I had some problems here. In the flashback, his friend has an iPhone and Josh is not yet twelve. Thus, if this is set in the present day, he's about 17, since iPhones were not introduced until 2007. However, at the start of the story, he's married, has been to college, and has kids. So...either the start of the story is set in the future, or there's a anachronism here.

________________

Scene/Setting
This was sufficient for staging: I had no trouble following the position of the characters or what they were doing. However, it was still a little sparse. You can use setting to advance characterization, plot, and theme, as well as to set the mood and tone. For example, we don't really know what their apartment looked like on the inside. Did Josh's mom keep it clean, but threadbare? We know it smelled like stale beer from his father, but what did it look like? Similarly, was the amusement park new, old, crowded, empty? Let us see it through Josh's senses. He should smell the popcorn and cotton candy, the odor of the shoes at the bowling alley, hear the clatter of the pins and the swoosh of the balls.

________________

Characters
This is a loving portrait of Josh's mother, someone determined to provide a good, happy life for her children despite her unfortunate circumstances. You hinted that her marriage was loveless, but she persevered. She's a strong and admirable character.

Josh, too, is strong and admirable. Even at 12, he wants to help his mother out, and loves spending time with her (wait until he's thirteen!) I loved both of these characters and your sensitive portrayals of them.

________________

Grammar
I confess that I found quite a few typos and grammatical errors. I didn't note most of them in the line-by-line comments, as proofreading is not my strength. You might peruse a site likehttp://owl.english.purdue.edu/
for some tips on grammar and sentence construction. Also, WDC has many resources, including writing workshops, that can help you brush up on grammar.

________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

There are a few tips that follow from this general idea. Most of this story is a flashback, back to the day at the amusement park. You've framed this with incidents at the start and at the finish that are in the present. The problem with this strategy is that the reader is just getting comfortable with Josh headed to the hospital when we move to the distant past. That breaks the flow of events and pulls the reader out of the fictional dream. Flashbacks are fine for novels, but are a real challenge in short stories.

Similarly, there's the incident that gives the story its name. That's told out of sequence. It's almost always better to tell your story in the order in which the events occurred.

You have many touching incidents in this story, but you might keep in mind one of Kurt Vonnegut's rules for short stories: every sentence should advance either character or plot. Thus, the little incident with the email message about "muahs" didn't seem to me to quite fit with this story's theme. It told us something about the age of the character, but you revealed that in a natural way later anyway. Similarly, the little story about the aunt and uncle didn't feel like it contributed to the plot.

I'd consider starting this story with the bus ride home, where Josh is looking forward to the mysterious outing with his mother. That sets up the events that follow at the amusement park. When he sees his mother looking sad in the kitchen, we know something is wrong, so that adds tension. Keep the tension up with little notes threaded in otherwise happy memories. At the end, that's where I'd advance to the present, have him passing the amusement park on the way to the hospital for your closing.

Thanks for sharing these heartwarming incidents with me. It's a wonderful reminder of the importance of family in these troubled times.

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
b}

"It's time Mr. Netel! She doesn't have long left". The voice on the phone said. There was a long pause "Mr. Netel"? "Are you there Mr. Netel"? Finally, I responded. "Ok I am on my way down".

My Comment: Starting with a disembodied voice speaking almost always puts the reader outside the story, looking in. It's generally better to first establish the point of view and put the readers in your narrator's head. You could do this by having him sense or do something--for example, he might be reading a book or working on a spreadsheet when the shrill of the phone's ring disrupts him.

He just work's a lot then drinks a lot My Comment: typo: no apostrophe

I don't really worry about mom she is the toughest woman I know and dad usually doesn't do anything but say things like "I'm sorry hun". My Comment: Run-on sentence. You need a period or semicolon after "Mom." Also, since you've used "Mom" as her name, you should capitalize it.

"I just don't know how we can afford another child right now" Being the ever helpful son I said "Don't worry mom I will get a job and take care of you and my brother". She smiled "sweetie you are not old enough to get a job"My Comment: each time a new person speaks, you should start a new paragraph.

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

280

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3665037

Review of To Challenge an Emperor

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. I found your item on "Invalid Item"

. Thank you for posting this. I enjoyed reading it and decided I could learn from studying it. I wanted to share my thoughts with you about this item.
________________
Item Reviewed: "To Challenge an Emperor"

Author Milo

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I see you are quite new to WDC, so I'd also like to add my welcome to the site. This is a great place to learn and grow as an author and to make new friends. I hope you find your time here as productive personally and professionally as I have.

________________

Plot
A stranger disrupts Arrus, the high master of the College of Wizards, mid-lecture with demands from the Emperor. It seems that war portends, and the Emperor needs wizards trained in practical skills right now, apparently disdaining the other training of the College. Arrus haughtily rejects the demands, but the intruder is insistent, and unleashes soldiers to eject Arrus from his college.

It seems that it's not such a good idea to try to force one's will on a wizard, as Arrus uses magic to throw them out. He then organizes his fellow teachers and their students to prepare for a siege of the Emperor. Last, he directs one of his fellow wizards to the spy on the Emperor in the capital.

________________

Point of view and style
You've used third person omniscient in this chapter. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with an omniscient narrator, and there are many outstanding examples that have successfully used this approach. However, the omniscient narrator has all but disappeared from modern commercial fiction. About 30% of all fiction uses a first person narrator, and the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

With third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader experiences the events of the scene through the eyes, ears, and other senses of that character. The author might choose to include that characters internal thoughts as well, but can't include things that the character doesn't know or sense. The "limited" part is that the reader is "limited" to that character. The idea is that, by drawing the reader into the head of this character, the author draws the reader into the fictional world as well. The readers encounter the world through this character in a holistic fashion, as we do the real world. This makes the experience more intimate and immediate for the readers.

So, my main advice for this piece is that you pick one character to provide the POV. It could be Arrus, or the intruder, or a student, or even Sevahr. Indeed, it might increase the drama to have Sevahr be an onlooker to the unfolding drama who, suddenly at the end, is in the middle of it.

Reveal the action through the words and deeds of the characters, as perceived by your POV character. Readers don't have to know right away the sumptuous details of the College of Wizards. They just need to know it's big and old, something you can establish in a sentence or two--perhaps in the fight scene, for example.

One of Kurt Vonnegut's rules of writing is that every sentence must do one of two things: advance the action or reveal character. Now his rules were for short stories, not novels, but this one is good to keep in mind, especially for an opening chapter.

________________

Referencing
This is consistent. I'd take some care that it doesn't replicate too closely elements of the Harry Potter universe.

________________

Scene/Setting
You do a fine job of describing the scene. The prose is lush and vibrant. But I have some suggestions--see the line-by-line comments for specifics.

________________

Characters
Arrus is old, haughty, and powerful. The intruder is, well, stupid and arrogant. I don't imagine we'll see him again. He's not even named. There are four other wizards, but they don't speak or act, so we don't really know anything about them.

________________

Grammar
The mechanical aspects are fine--this is clean copy.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is the theory behind most of modern fiction, and provides the basis for most of the comments in this review. I think you've got a fine opening chapter here. Arrus is a powerful character, and there's a nice sense of mystery and darkness about Sevahr. The stakes are clear, and the hook at the end is fine. What I think you need to work on is mostly point of view.

Thanks for sharing this piece! You write really well, and have a good start on your novel.

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
The College of Wizards was an ancient place. For centuries it had been here atop the high cliffs that overlooked the violent Western Sea, nearly a castle in its own right. The great keep towered hundreds of feet above the cliff-tops, its windows staring over the surrounding land like ever-watchful eyes, and its spreading walls protected it in a vast semi-circle from one side to the other. The grounds within were filled with gardens of thousands of flowers and its walkways were lit by torches, torches that had no flame but instead were set with pale blue stones which cast a wintery glow across the stone paths.My Comment: The descriptions here are fine, and paint a good picture of the College of Wizards. The problem is that it feels like the author, standing outside the story, telling the reader stuff.

I'd suggest that you first establish point of view and draw readers you’re your POV character's head. Then, reveal the College through that character's senses. You might take a look at {item: 1829736 }, which discusses some tecbniques for doing this.

The other nit I have about this opening is the use of passive voice ("were filled," "were lit"). This tends toyou’re your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. For this reason, active verb forms are generally better.

“A spellbook has no innate power of its own,” he boomed. “It is the words within, and the wizard who make it what it is. It is a channel, a-”
The door onto the dais slammed open with a bang. Every eye in the room switched from Arrus to the man who entered.My Comment: This is where the story starts. Everything else is description. Starting in media res, in the middle of things, is always good advice. The readers don't need the lush details you've given in the opening--at least, not right now. They want to learn about these things through the eyes, ears and senses of your characters--holistically, the way they would in the real world. So, you could start here, and insert the descriptions later, as the characters move about the College. My Comment:

Arrus turned slowly from the podium, disbelief and fury evident on his face. “I beg your pardon?”My Comment: Since he can't see his fact and since no other character seems to be in the POV, this puts us outside the story looking in.

Arrus’ teeth were gritted so tightly that the veins on his temples were bulging. “Is that so?”My Comment: More omniscient narrator: "gritting" his teeth puts us in Arrus' head, but he can't see the veins bulge, so we're outside his head, too.

“The Emperor does not understand,” Arrus corrected angrily.My Comment: You've done a good job showing him being angry up until now, but the "angrily" is one of those adverbs I mentioned above. A more precise verb might be "snapped," for example, which would let you eliminate the adverb.

“In your eyes they are not,” said the man. “In the Emperor’s, they are. I will instruct them myself in the ways of battle magic.”My Comment: I infer the newcomer is not a graduate of the College? Otherwise Arrus would recognize him, right?

I will give you once chance. My Comment: typo: one chance

Their faces were hidden by visored helms My Comment: passive voice...

Go to the capital. We must learn what the Emperor’s true plan is.”My Comment: Good hook.

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

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#3662813

Review of Laura

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Laura"

Author Joe Nelson

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Detective Jimmy O'Halloran is at Trinity Hall, an orphanage, to investigate a murder of one of the children. His only clue is the mysterious name, "Laura." He quizzes a nun, who reluctantly leads him to the chapel. He finds Laura and solves the mystery. Alas, he won't be arresting the murderer, however...

__________

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Jimmy's head. flawless.

__________

Referencing
Any time in the modern era. No inconsistencies.

__________

Scene/Setting
I thought this was a little sparse, at least until the end in the chapel. It was certaily sufficient for staging, however, so that's more of a preference than anything else.

__________

Characters
Jimmy's a tough guy with bad memories of his own childhood in a similar institution. This leads him to suspect the nuns of wrongdoing.

His dialogue with the nun was credible, given the background you gave us on him.

__________

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I love stories with a twist, and this one delivered! I made a few comments in the line-by-line remarks below about places where I thought you might tighten up a thing or two and maybe be a little more precise in your descriptions. But the tension increased nicely and the ending slammed the punchline home.

A couple of minor suggestions. Is there a way you could establish in the opening paragraph that he's a police officer investigating a crime? It would be simple, for example, to just say "Detective Jimmy Halloran stared..." You might also have him glance at his only cryptic lead, the name "Laura" scrawled in his notebook next to the address. That establishes a hook right away: he's a detective, there's been a murder, and his only lead is the name. That sets up the whole story.

Again, I liked this story quite a lot. It had a nice, horror feel to it, and the twist at the end was both satisfying and gruesome. Just my kind of story! thanks for sharing!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
Jimmy stared at the classical design of Trinity Hall. The orphanage’s religious connotations brought back unwanted memories from his own childhood and sent shivers down his spine. Anger surging through him, he quickly lit up a cigarette. The sudden intake of nicotine calmed his agitated brain.My Comment: Good opening! You orient the reader, name your point-of-view character, have him doing something, and provide a hint of the plot.

It was an old nun. Jimmy hated nuns.My Comment: Two comments here. First, beware of sentences where the primary verb is a form of "to be," as in your first sentence. In addition, "old" is non-specific and doesn't paint a very precise figure. How does he know she's old? Is her hair white and her skin crinkled, with age spots on her hands? Or maybe Jimmy's ten, and "old" for him means she's thirty? With respect to the second sentence, this is the author intruding to state a fact. Maybe he reacts in some physical way to her presence--his mouth turns down, or his stomach twists at the sight of her habit. Lead the reader to the inference he hats nuns from his physical reaction and you'll leave a more visceral impression.

Over twenty years as a detective had taught Jimmy to notice when someone was about to feed him bullshit. The old bat was about to do it now.My Comment: How does he know this? There must be something in her physical response (she avoids his eyes, licks her lips, something) that triggers his conclusion. It would be more intimate and immediate for your readers if you were to describe her physical response and then give his reaction to it.

Jimmy noticed the nun’s reaction at the drop of the name. It was a subtle twitch that only an expert would have seen but Jimmy saw it as plain as day. My Comment: Here you've described the twitch and his satisfaction at seeing it...that's the way to do it!

“Laura likes it here.” she replied, her voice shaky.My Comment: I loved this--her voice is shaky, which is a premonition of something to come. Great way to build tension!

He turned to the old nun again, she was looking silently at the floor. My Comment: comma splice

It was sister Marilyn. My Comment: Shouldn't "Sister" be capitalized?

Those questions were answered with the sudden pounding of his head. His vision blurred and he started to shake. The revolver clattered onto the floor and he could hear the childish laughter of Laura echoing in his ears as the pain became more intense.
His stomach lurched and he fell to his knees, voiding the contents of his stomach on the chapel floor. My Comment: Lots of good, active verbs in this paragraph, presenting a vivid and horrifying picture. My only complaint is the passive voice in the first sentence: "were answered." Easy to tweak, though.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
Cover for Tricks and Treats

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14 days may be credited.

#3651891

Review of Des Moments Privilégiés

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I admit to being utterly unqualified to review poetry, so I fear I can't give you any useful comments in this review.

I did enjoy this poem. The meter and rhyme in this middle four lines read well, and the framing of the first and last lines sets the tone. I'm not quite sure why you chose a French title, but nonetheless it seems appropriate.

As you might guess from having read my story "In Dreams," I also enjoyed the theme of this poem. One wonders what the object of his devotion saw in the poem's point-of-view character. By the way, I also really like that the poem is silent on gender. The person giving the poem voice could be male or female, and the lover could be the same or opposite gender. I know that's difficult to achieve, and it certainly adds to the universality of the message.

It's my understanding that the average rating on WDC is four,so I give evertying a four. Indeed, I dislike the rating system and prefer to focus on technique and overall impressions in my reviews, so please don't take any message from the rating.

Thanks for sharing!

max

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14 days may be credited.

#3651630

Review of Megaloblatta

Review by

In affiliation with FantasyHorrorSciFi Novel Works...

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Megaloblatta"

Author Coffeebean

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I saw on your profile page that you think you're a "second-rate" author. Respectfully, I disagree. This is a great little story, and I absolutely loved the final line. There are excellent visual images, with strong dialogue. Overall, this has a wonderful, Twilight Zone appeal that I really enjoyed.

Now, it's true that I've made a number of comments on ways you might tweak this--little tricks of craft that others here on WDC have taught me. But the imagination and skill that you showed in this story are anything but "second-rate." By all means, you should keep writing!!!

__________

Plot
There's a few bugs in the first expedition to Mars. I won't say more, as I don't want to spoil this story for anyone reading this review.

__________

Style and Voice
This seems to be written with an omniscient narrator. However, mostly we see this story through McLaren's eyes. For this reason, I've reviewed this as though it were third person limited, with McLaren as the point-of-view character.

Indeed, the first of two main suggestions I have for this story is that you tweak it so that it is entirely in McLaren's POV--up until the final sentences in Houston, of course. By immersing the readers in what McLaren sees, hears, thinks, etc, you will increase the immediacy of the events and also better draw them into this fictional world.

You have a great visual sense--I can see the influence of camera cuts and other techniques used in cinema. The problem is that on the printed page you don't have a camera, or a foley artist, or a score, or any of the other tools available in a movie. All you've got is the reader's imagination. Thus, a primary goal of craft is to stimulate the reader to be your partner in imagining the story. One of the best ways to do this is through controlling the point of view. In a short story, it's almost always best to have a single POV character and to see events unfold through his or her eyes.

__________

Referencing
All consistent.

__________

Scene/Setting
Excellent. You brought the surface of Mars and the threat faced by the astronauts to life.

__________

Characters

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. Excellent, credible dialogue.

__________

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This brings me to the other suggestion I have for this fine little story. I'd actually tell the story with a linear timeline, and start where they land on Mars. You do a great job of cranking the tension tighter and tighter from that point forward, but you've already given away a big part of the punchline with the opening segment. I'd stick the opening segment toward the end, unfolding things as they happen. I think you'll have more tension and stronger release at the climax.

I really liked this story a lot. Thanks for sharing!!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
A blinking message, Merry Christmas, on the crystal display went unread.My Comment: The first three paragraphs did a great job of putting us in McLaren's head. However, with this paragraph the author intrudes to tell us facts--things that McLaren doesn't know and doesn't see. This kind of intrusion tends to pull readers out of the story. There is essential information in this paragraph; is there a way you can convey it through the words, deeds, actions or thoughts of McLaren?

stood dumbfounded with a look on her face that for a moment; shook the Commander’s confidence to his core.My Comment: This is our first indication that the Commander is the point-of-view character for this segment. I'd recommend establishing that in the first sentence--or at least the first paragraph--after the break from the opening.

stood dumbfounded with a look on her face that for a moment; shook the Commander’s confidence to his core.My Comment: This is our first indication that the Commander is the point-of-view character for this segment. I'd recommend establishing that in the first sentence--or at least the first paragraph--after the break from the opening.

There was nothing. Nothing, but rocks and iron oxide dust.My Comment: This slips for a moment into her point of view. Now if she mutters, "There's nothing. Nothing but rocks and iron oxide dust," then McLaren hears her and you stay in HIS POV.

You must have seen something, you jumped like you’d seen a ghost,”My Comment: Comma splice. Good description of her physical reaction--but I'd put it above, when she looks at the image on the screen.

“An…an insect. I thought I saw an enormous insect,” Lucy reluctantly admitted.My Comment: ...another adverb. What about her reply lets McLaren infer she's reluctant? Describe that instead of telling us she's reluctant.

Commander McLaren assured the officer her eyes must have played tricks on her and soon she would embark upon an opportunity to do what she had dreamed of for a long time…explore the planet Mars.My Comment: I'd consider putting the words in his mouth instead of narrating his assurance.

The hissing and any threat of danger it might represent went unnoticed by the crew’s fervor.My Comment: A small POV violation, since no one hears the hissing. This kind of thing works well in cinema, where the camera serves as the eye of the viewer. However, on the written page, the most reliable "eyes" of the readers are the ones in the POV character's head. Hence, it's almost always best to restrict yourself to what s/he sees, hears, senses, etc. Here, you could have one of your characters tip their head and ask, "What's that hissing sound," and another could respond that it's just the wind. (You more or less do this in the next sentence.) That foreshadows events, but also shows that the characters are unaware of the true danger that faces them.

“Stick with the itinerary, don’t venture beyond 400 meters this first time out.My Comment: comma splice.

Dirty dust clouds engulfed the white clad explorers as they went deeper into the unknown, the waning visibility made it impossible for Jim to track his crew.My Comment: comma splice...I'll stop pointing these out...

“Yes, Lucy,” Jim answered, suppressing his mounting anxiety. My Comment: We're firmly in Jim's head--you've told us that he's supressing his anxiety.

There on the bleak surface of Mars something appeared that caused Lucy’s logical mind to utter: “It’s not real, Lucy. They cannot be here. Life cannot exist in this hostile Martian environment.”My Comment: Hops from McLaren's head to Lucy's.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
Cover for Tricks and Treats

** Image ID #1684591 Unavailable **

284

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14 days may be credited.

#3651306

Review of Have You Heard?

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I was looking on WDC for other members from Oklahoma, and I stumbled across your portfolio. I'm so glad I did! I found a wealth of stories to chose from, and I selected one that was relatively recent and hadn't already gotten dozens of reviews. I enjoyed reading this item and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Have You Heard?"

Author Vivian

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Carrie arrives at her friend Yolena's home for coffee. Before she takes a sip, Carrie reveals a plan for vengeance involving givng a gift bag containing a hideous, hairy spider to a mutual acquaintance, Dawn. It seems that Dawn has told some nasty lies to Carrie's beau, Wayne. Even worse, Wayne has believed the liar and had the nerve to forgive Carrie!

Yolena is shocked, but counsels Carrie against vengeance, or at least direct vengeance. Instead, Yolena crafts a plan that exploits Dawn's tendency to lie as well as her selfish opportunism. In a fine twist, she contrives to have Dawn...well, I won't spoil the twist for other readers. Suffice to say that it's a fitting ending and justice is done.

__________

Style and Voice
For the most part, this is third person limited. However, I thought the point-of-view wavered a tiny bit in the first third of the story before it settled firmly on Yolena. Indeed, this is the only real criticism I have of this story. If you agree, a simple tweak in a couple of places would firmly establish reader in Yolena's head.

__________

Referencing
This is modern day, if rather quaint. I have the impression that Yolena is older, but Carrie, Dawn and Wayne are probably younger. Thus, the absence of references to Facebook, Twitter and other social media place this is a less...frenzied era, say ten years ago.

__________

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging without being obtrusive. My personal tastes run to a bit more, using the setting to help establish nuances of character, plot, or other story elements. However, I readily concede that's a matter of taste.

__________

Characters
Yolena is wise, Carrie's a bit desperate, Wayne's a jerk and Dawn...well, I'd vote her off the island, given the chance. You reveal each character by putting them in action in word and deed--good work!

Dialog.

This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. The dialogue here was quite credible, and contributed greatly to the natural flow of the story.

__________

Grammar
I think I caught one repeated word--really a repeated phoneme--and one typo. I wish I could produce such clean copy.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I guess I'm harping on this because of the point-of-view issue I noted above. I'm convinced that the best way to pull readers into your story is to first put them in the head of your point-of-view character. Thus, even little slips in POV or minor head-hops can just distracting enough to put the reader outside the story, looking in, instead of inside the story, imagining your fictional world with you.

Overall, this was a gem of a story. I loved the twist that used Dawn's lies to expose her. I do wish that Wayne had been taught some humility, too, although I suppose he did learn a bit of a lesson.

Thanks for sharing! I'm glad I found this!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
Yolena Russell set two cups of coffee on the low slung glass table, her blond hair shading half her face. “Already doctored just like you want.” She grinned at her best friend and snuggled into a corner of the sofa.My Comment: I love this opening. You establish your POV character in the first sentence, have her doing something, and orient the reader in space and time. Who could ask for more?

She inhaled the steam, allowing the cinnamon Yolenda added to the blend to fill her senses. My Comment: Hmmm...now I wonder if perhaps Carrie is the POV character, not Yolena since we're in her head, smelling the coffee.

“Just wait ‘till you see.My Comment: I'm not so sure about this. Since "'till" is dialect for "until," shouldn't you spell it with just one ell?

Suddenly, Carrie’s usually friendly eyes turned into an icy blue glare.My Comment: ...another picky comment. If Carrie is the POV character, she can't see her eyes, hence this is a small POV violation. Later the POV seems to settle with Yolena...so it's probably the earlier place where we slip into Carrie's head smelling the coffee misled me.

Yolena tried to vanished into the cushions.My Comment:typo

“Worth it?” A frown wrinkled Carrie’s brow. “Worth what? You lost me.”My Comment: This is one of several places where you describe Carrie's facial expression, so by this point we're firmly in Yolena's POV.

A grin spread her lips as Yolena asked,My Comment: Except..if Yolena is the POV character, she can't see her lips. Perhaps a grin "stretches" her lips, to reinforce the POV?

“Sanca what?”

“Thinking one’s above or better than others,”My Comment: This strikes me as talking down to your readers...but maybe it's just me. I always say, why use a monosyllable when polysyllabic elucidation will suffice? Also, I didn't really see that Wayne learned much of a lesson about being sanctimonious.

He shook his head. “I didn’t know you were a liar. Wonder what other lies you’ve told?”My Comment: "Liar" and "lies" are used in the same sentence. Repeating words and phrases runst he risk of making your prose seem monotone. Perhaps you could consider substituting "whoppers" for "lies" to avoid repeating the sounds?

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
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#3638311

Review of Night Terrors

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Night Terrors"

Author Ham on Rye

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I see you are new to WDC, so I'd also like to welcome you. This is a great place to learn and grow as an author. I hope you find your time here as productive personally and professionally as I have!

__________

Plot
The place is a mess, and our nameless housewife is weary. Everywhere she looks, she finds reminders of dreary, repetitive chores. The dog has splattered muddy footprints all over the kitchen, and now he's back outside where a thunderstorm builds.

At least when her husband finishes his shower there will be some blessed relief in his arms. Alas, the storm has brought more than rain...

__________

Style and Voice
Third person limited; no slips. Good job controlling the point of view here!

__________

Referencing
Modern era from the mobile phone, UK suburbia from the spelling.

__________

Scene/Setting
This was quite good. The place is a mess, but not disgusting. It's just filled with the detritus of a happy family.

__________

Characters
Well, we only meet the mother. She's a bit world-weary, tired of the endless cycle of cleaning up after others. But she's loving too, and eager to be in her husband's arms.

__________

Grammar
I found a couple of typos, noted in the line-by-line comments below. Otherwise, this was well-done.

__________

Just my personal opinion
I love stories with a twist, and this one delivered nicely! I have some ways you might think about tweaking it, but it's already an enjoyable and chilling little tale.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

You do a great job with the atmosphere in this story. The mixture of the storm outside and the disarray inside combine to create a vision of the home and the wife's presence in it. I do think your opening could do a little better job of establishing the point of view; you might check out my essay "Inside or Outside"

on this topic. For example, you might lead with her being startled by a shadow flitting across the lawn when she lets the dog back outside. That way you'd close the circle, with a shadow being the first and last thing she sees in the story.

Another suggestion is to give her a name. I can see why you might want to leave her anonymous, but naming her helps draw readers into her head and hence into the story.

As I said above, I liked this story. It's imaginative, scary, and has a ghostly atmosphere, along with a nice twist at the end that's well foreshadowing. Good job, and keep writing!!!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
it’s neverending cycle.My Comment: Typo: should be "its" with no apostrophe

My Comment: The story launched with the dog coming inside, so this was a bump for me.

“Hmm, he doesn’t normally do that. In fact he never does that.” She thought to herself.My Comment: Thoughts are generally put in italics, and without tags, like this: {i}Hmm, he doesn’t normally do that. In fact he never does that.{/i} which produces italic text, Hmm, he doesn’t normally do that. In fact he never does that.

it’s dark depths.My Comment: "its" again. Also, you use "dark" ten times in this short story. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone.

“Bloody cat …” she muttered under her breathe.My Comment: typo: I think you mean "breath."

She felt movement behind her,My Comment: When you write "she felt," you filter the things she felt--or smelled, or tasted, or otherwise sensed--through your character. Usually, it's more immediate and intimate for your readers if you describe directly what she felt. Since you're already in her point of view, readers will infer that she felt it. If you want to emphasize that fact, you can have react in some way.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
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#3622115

Review of The Last Letter Chapters 1-5

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, Max here. Thanks for asking me to read this. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "The Last Letter Chapters 1-5"

Author JacoLouwKunste

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
We meet our nameless narrator, a tormented and lonely high school student. This starts with a suicide note from the present day, and then the remainder is flashback, going back to the death of his grandmother and a set of horrific incidents at his school.

__________

Style and Voice
First person. While the narrator is in the first sentence, no one uses his name later--not even he uses his name. Ordinarily, I'd never suggest a nameless narrator, since having a name helps the readers identify with him. However, in this case I think it might work to keep him anonymous--much like the narrator in du Maurier's "Rebeccca." Eventually, the narrator there became "Mrs. De Winter" or "my wife," but never had a name. You might have Jason's tormentors name him--they might even call him "Jason," but to mock him, after the character in "Halloween."

__________

Referencing
Modern day--computer sex, iPods, and so on. No Facebook or texting, though, which seemed a bit odd. These are additional tools high schoolers use to torment one another...

__________

Scene/Setting
Pretty sparse--sufficient for staging, but not much else.

__________

Characters
This is almost all about the narrator, Jason. We get a glimpse of his mother--aloof, cold, and a bit self-centered--but not really anyone else.

__________

Grammar
I made a few comments in the line-by-line. There are a few instances of subject-verb disagreement which I think should be fixed. There are also some sentences that felt a bit like run-ons. However, given the style of this piece, kind of a first person stream-of-memory, I'd say those fit with the overall narrative structure.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I have two major suggestions for this story. First, I'm not a big fan of prologues, and I'm not a fan of flashbacks. I'd start the story at the beginning, where the narrator learns of his grandmother's death. This is one of the most personal and moving parts here. We see him in word and deed, moving through his home, in his room, interacting with his mother. It's a complete scene, with good emotional impact.

The same is true of the short scene where he wakes, his mother abandons him, and he must walk to school, alone, and be late.

Much of what follows has the same potential, but so much of it is told, rather than shown. For example, the math class incident is all narrated. There's no dialogue, and the action feels like it's told from the outside, looking in, rather than experienced by Jason. When he enters the room, he might overhear snippets of dialogue, or someone might look at him and roll their eyees, or one of the jocks might trip him. Build a more complete scene, using as many senses as you can, where the characters act and speak.

I'd do the same thing as he follows the two girls: he must hear what they are saying, so put words in their mouths.

There are other incidents that you mention--being kicked out of the church, for example--that deserve full-blown scenes. These show Jason reaching out, trying to find a group he can belong to, and the groups rejecting him. All of that builds tension, reveals his character, makes him more human, and makes those around him more abhorrent. I'd make this longer, rather than shorter.

This story has a lot of emotional impact. Jason is lonely, rejected by his peers, abandoned by his mother, and abused by his father (so we are told). His only remotely social connection is computer porn, and he's plagued by post-coital depression. His dreams are evocative--faceless, naked people, no genitals, milling about, ignoring him. There's a lot of tension here boiling inside of him. That's another reason I think you don't need the opening segment: it telegraphs where this is headed and diffuses the tension rather than adds to it.

The narrative device of interspersing first-person, real-time incidents with short extracts from his diary is excellent. This epistolary approach has a long literary history, dating back at least to Bram Stoker's Dracula, and including "Fried Green Tomatoes." I think you use it to good effect.

Jason is a great character. He lost and alone, seeking human kindness but rejected at every turn. I'd use every scene to build on that--even show places where he thinks he might finally have found a group, only to be cruelly rejected and mocked. that will certainly build tension and make him more sympathetic and understandable.

By all means, keep writing!! This is good stuff.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
A salty taste came to my mouth as I heard my feet being pulled by my body over the floor to where my mom stood. That is if I can call her mom.My Comment: This does a good job of making the narrator dissociative, but "being pulled" is passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. For this readon, active verb forms are generally better. Finally, when you use "Mom" as a person's name, as in the last sentence, it should be capitalized. "My mom" in the first sentence is correct.

The knock on the door was soft, and gentle.

“You want your coffee,” my mom asked in a soft, yet calm voice.My Comment: "Soft" repeats in these two sentences, which runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. It's generally better to have more varied word choice.

entered the room. In her hands were the two coffees she made; steam rose from it, and the aroma entered my room. My Comment: "entered my room" repeats. Also, since there are two coffees, shouldn't steam rise from "them?"

I felt the blush on my face turn to two red tomatoes. My Comment: This is a great metaphor...but...first, he can't see his face, so it's a point-of-view violation. If you say something like, "I know my cheeks turned to two red tomatoes," then it's not. Second, it's usually more intimate and immediate for the readers to describe directly what he felt and omit the "I felt," which filters the sensation through him. Readers will know he felt it since you're in his point-of-view.

The walk home was more fun than the past weekMy Comment: Somehow I thought this was the first day of school? He woke from his dream and said, "how convenient this happened on my first day of school," or something similar...

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
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14 days may be credited.

#3619150

Review of The World's Choice

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi. Max here again. Thanks for asking me to read your story. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "The World's Choice"

Author Corbin

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
A woman and three men stare at a silver briefcase on her desk. Frantic fists pound at the door, but they've barred it with a bookcase. She stares at the men and speaks. Power flares from her eyes as she sees their adoration and their submission. When she speaks, her voice conjures obedience and religious fervor. She opens the briefcase and reveals the mechanism inside. One of the men pulls a key from a chain about his neck, and she follows suit. They insert their keys into the works inside the briefcase and turn them simultaneously. They exult in their power.

The world will never again be the same.

__________

Style and Voice
This story uses an omniscient narrator. You establish this in the first sentence, in which the author describes the woman and the men.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with third person omniscient narrators. As recently as thirty years ago, one could still find a lot of excellent fiction that used this approach, and it has a long and venerable tradition. However, it is out of style today--so much so that it has all but disappeared from modern commercial fiction.

Today, about 30% of all fiction uses a first person narrator, and the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited. In the latter, the author writes in the third person but, for each scene, selects one character to provide the point of view. As readers, we see the scene through that character's eyes. We can know what that character knows, thinks, and senses, but we have to infer these things about the other characters from their words and deeds. The idea is to drop the readers into the head of one character and immerse them in that character's psyche and sensations. Then the reader imagines themselves encountering the other characters and the fictional world the way we encounter reality: through our senses and through the words and deeds of others. This is a more intimate and immediate experience for the readers, activates their imaginations, and draws them into the story. The basic idea is to create a "fictional dream" for the readers and make them the author's partner in imagining the story.

Thus, my main suggestion for this story is to pick one character as your point-of-view character and tell the story through them. It might be the woman, or it might be the man whose loyalty she purchased with her body. But pick one person, put the reader in that person's head at the outset. Tell the story as if you are inside that person, feeling, smelling, thinking, hearing, seeing what that person sees. This is what modern readers expect, even if they are unaware of the technical terms, and it's certainly what editors and agents expect today.

__________

Referencing
Modern day. No problems.

__________

Scene/Setting
A little sparse, but sufficient for staging.

__________

Characters
The woman is a chilling character indeed. I'd like to see a bit more of her power in action--to see the slavish adoration that her charisma generates in the men. I'd also like a bit more of her triumph, as a pre-cursor to the twist at the end.

__________

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. In particular, a leading dependent clause should generally be set off with a comma. In any case, I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point out specific instances. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

__________

Just my personal opinion
You've got my main comments above regarding point of view and the "guided dream" concept that underlies modern fiction. This story has a cautionary theme with chilling characters. It could happen. I think with the tweaks that I suggested above about point of view, you'll have a really chilling tale that will make people stop and think besides sending shivers up their backs!

Thanks again for asking me to read this!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
The slim brunette figure sat at a desk encircled by three grim faced and gray haired suits. A seemingly insignificant silver briefcase, sitting in its own reflection upon the desk, shook the room with its power. She paid no mind to the muted pounding on the door, now locked, and covered with a bookcase, as she fixed each man with the same riveting blue-fire gaze she used to convince the people to elect her. My Comment: Openings are critical to any work of fiction. They are the author's best chance to pull readers into their fictional world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

This opening reveals the major character of the story and adds provides the hook of the briefcase and blocked door. You've also oriented the reader in space. These are certainly good things.

However, as I've already noted, this opening reads like the author is a distant observer, standing outside the story looking in, relating facts. The fashion today is quite different, to establish the point of view as soon as possible and draw the readers into that character's head. In so doing, the author draws them into the fictional world of the story. Thus, I'd consider starting with the President doing something: maybe her fingertips caress the cold surface of the silver briefcase, maybe she lets a smile bend her lips as she imagines its power surging under her hands. Put the readers in her head. Make them feel her triumph, her certainty, and her power. Then, as you knife them with the twist at the end, you'll increase their horror.

Something else to be careful about is passive voice--"encircled by three grim-faced and hary-haired suits." The verb here is passive, which makes the readers passive and receptive. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining this fictional world, so it's almost always better to use active verb forms.

This was no longer a drill, those had proven this plan would work.My Comment: comma splice

What we do here today will change the world, it is up to the people whether that change will include or exclude the human race.My Comment: comma splice

With two keys turned together the lock humanity placed on the chains it had wrapped around the world would be released.My Comment: missing comma, after "together."

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
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14 days may be credited.

#3618747

Review of Pulpit Grasp

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Max again. Thank you for asking me to read this chapter. You've got a really compelling story here, and the hooks at the end will keep pages turning for sure. I really enjoyed reading this and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Pulpit Grasp"

Author Just Bursting

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Late one snowy night, the Priest arrives at Benjamin's home for dinner. It's a semiannual affair, with Benjamin's widowed father preparing the meal for his boyhood friend, Priest, and Benjamin an afterthought in their adult conversations. But tonight, there's a plan, and the plan involves Benjamin spending his after-school hours at the Parish with the Priest rather than with the next-door neighbor. Benjamin is trapped. He doesn't want to do this, but he doesn't have the power to stop it from happening. Great hook for the next chapter!!

__________

Style and Voice
First person, in Benjamin's point of view. No slips.

__________

Referencing
Modern-day, small town Ohio. "Stillwater" is a great name, bearing a certain irony considering where this must be headed. I have a sense that this must be set in 1970's or 1980's, given the absence of organized after-school programs and other hints.

__________

Scene/Setting
The snow storm was a great opening--especially the way the flakes evaporated before they hit the Priest. The rest of the settings were quite sparse; there was enough for staging, but little else. The amount of setting to include is certainly a matter of taste, and I probably put in more than most authors. However, I see the setting as openings into character, plot, character, and theme. That's why, for example, I loved the snowflakes. In terms of the setting for the dinner, I'd consider including at least the aroma of the roast beef. Perhaps, too, a photo of Benjamin's mother, or tell us whether or not the table is set with the good dishes. Perhaps his mother's favorite serving bowl is chipped, to reflect the brittle familial relationships in her absence? You get the idea--not necessary, but sometimes helpful.

__________

Characters
I loved the way that Benjamin's unease about the Priest, inarticulate but visceral, permeates this chapter. It starts from the very beginning, with your description of the hat and his fingers, and continues throughout. There's no overt threat, just a vague disquiet. That's exactly right. Benjamin and his father are sympathetic characters. The recollected incident about the homeless people reflects well on both of them--although I wish that it had been related over the dinner table, between the Priest and Benjamin's father, rather than being narrated as a flashback. In any case, the characters are all well-drawn, exposed in word and deed.

__________

Grammar

I noticed several places with missing words. I marked a few of these in the line-by-line comments below, but I'd recommend you read through again. I'm terrible myself with this--I often leave out articles in my rush to get things on the page, and then have a horrible time finding the omissions. Sometimes reading the chapter in reverse, line-by-line, helps, since that takes me out of the story and focuses my mind more on finding typos. Just a thought.

I noticed some consistent errors in the use apostrophes. Here's an online guide that might be helpful:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/621/01/...

I thought I saw some inconsistency in capitalizing "Priest" as well. I can't find the specific CMS standard on this, but I'd say that when the word refers to a specific person, it should be capitalized but otherwise not--sort of like "her aunt" as opposed to "Aunt Mary." In any case, your usage should be consistent.

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

The plot in this chapter is really compelling. From the beginning, when the Priest first appears, there's this queasy feeling that things aren't quite right. As the dinner scene evolves, you just crank that unease tighter and tighter. This is great, effective writing.

What I didn't like were the narrated flashbacks that interrupt the main scene and pulled me out of the ever-increasing tension of the dinner. These broke the tension and and pulled me, the reader, out of the fictional dream. All of the incidents are doubtless important to plot, character, and theme, but you need to ask yourself whether or not the reader needs to know these things right now, at this instant in the story. As the author, you surely need to know them. But what the reader is interested is the mystery of the Priest and Benjamin's wary reception of him. You deftly portray the tension in this scene, but these interludes disrupt the story. Remember, you've got an entire novel to tell these details. What the reader wants to know, now, is what's going to happen at this dinner and why Benjamin is so wary.

I really enjoyed this chapter. You've got the start of a great story. Benjamin and his father are sympathetic characters, the Priest has just the right amount of menace, and the stakes are high. You've made the reader fear for Benjamin, and that will keep the pages turning. This is all excellent--and difficult--work, and shows real talent. Do keep writing!!!!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
There was a knock at the door and I knew it was the priest. I opened it, and it was indeed him; a man standing erect, but also quite comfortably. He took off his hat and held it in one hand around his midsection. The hat was a gray tweed fedora with a black band. It was old and had some wear spots at the base of the rise, just at the black ribbon. I could see two distinct but faint wear-circles.My Comment: Openings are critical to any story. They are your first--and best--chance of drawing the reader into the your fictional world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

This one is good in that it introduces the priest and makes him a bit mysterious. It also orients the reader in space and time, and has the point-of-view character doing something: answering the door. The only thing I'd consider trying to add is the name of your POV character. That would be easy, by just having the Priest speak it now, instead of later. That would help put the remaining descriptions in Benjamin's head.

One thing I'd suggest you look at is the number of sentences in which the main verb is a form of "to be." If you could find stronger, action verbs to convey the information in the sentence, you'll create more engaging and active images in the readers' minds. For example, the opening sentence might be, "I knew it was the priest knocking at my door." This has the same mystery as your sentence (how did he know, and who is this priest?), but the verbs change from declarative statements--"there was a knock" and "it was the priest"--to action: "the priest was knocking." This is small, but it creates a stronger sense of action, so it generates a stronger image in the readers' minds. You can apply this same idea elsewhere in this story.

The priests breath produced a slight puff of steam as he spoke, but then quickly dissipated. My Comment: Great description--and symbolism--here. There's a typo, though: should be "Priest's."

They evaporated an inch or two above his clothing and as he stood there, it looked like he was outlined in a protective sphere of unfocused sight.My Comment: Another nifty bit of symbolism...but this is a comma splice.

The hat sat snug as a bug My Comment: This is a bit cliché; I'd eliminate, or invent another simile that will reveal character or foreshadow events.

His long sleeve button down shirt My Comment: button-down

“Benjamin has set the table already for us, priest. My Comment: Since he's using "Priest" as a name, it should be capitalized.

I turned took and took another look at the snowflakes through the window in the front door. My Comment: typo: extra words

My father had come to call Father Dean Rawley by just the name ‘Preist,’ after watching a movie with Daniel Day Lewis in which Lewis’ character addresses his foe with an admirable term of respect. My Comment: This launches several paragraphs of background, which stops the story cold. Since this is going to be at least a novella, you have a lot of time to convey this information through the words and deeds of your characters rather than narrating it as background. I was just easing into the story and Benjamin's head, wanting to know about this queasy relationship between him, his father and the priest, but this background interlude breaks the fictional dream. I'd strongly recommend continuing with the story of the dinner...

Priest sat while my father mixed him a gin and tonic. I sat across from him. The priest looked down and took a stir or two through the ice, lifted and sipped. My Comment: Ah, now we're back in the story. You might have Benjamin see a picture of his mother and think how much he missed her, or how it still seems strange to have his father fixing dinner, even though his mother's been dead for five years. That explains the single-parent household. You can relate the more complex events later--assuming that they play a role in the story.

“Dad, it’s great,” I said.My Comment: You've used "said" as your dialogue tag three times in the last four paragraphs. Be careful about repeating words and phrases like this, as it runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone.

my mother worked at the school and knew her well My Comment: missing word: HE knew well...

my mother had taught me that there was no difference between white’s and black’sMy Comment: no apostrophes here.

“Todd, perhaps Benjamin would like to spend some extra time after school in the rectory?” Priest asked and looked at me for a reaction. I sat motionless. No.My Comment: aha. Great tension here, and in the rest of this exchange. Benjamin doesn't want to do this. We don't need to know why--he probably doesn't know exactly why. He just doesn't want to.

which probably why my father had gotten up,My Comment: missing word: WAS probably why...

His face was so close now,My Comment: This would be a great place to add his scent. Maybe he wears cheap cologne, or maybe Benjamin can smell the liquor on his breath. I'd have the priest lick his lips, too, just for the symbolism and foreshadowing.

I could not get up to my bedroom fast enough.My Comment: You've got great hooks here to keep the pages turning.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
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14 days may be credited.

#3616554

Review of The Hollow Keys

Review by

In affiliation with PRIME A Workshop for Authors

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Invalid Item"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "The Hollow Keys"

Author Early

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Lief aspires to write horror novels, best-selling horror novels. He's a member of a writing group, the Scribes, and they've assured him that a night spent in an old, abandoned church holds the key to his success. He thinks it's silly, but goes anyway. He encounters a key all right, but it opens something more than success.

__________

Style and Voice
Third person limited, first in Lief's head and then in the Lilith's, the girl he meets at the abandoned church.

__________

Referencing
Modern era.

__________

Scene/Setting
Delicious, like a nightmare. Well done, indeed!

__________

Characters
This is mostly Liam, a nice enough sort. He's got ambition, and he's a bit lustful when he meets Lilith, although she's apparently a beauty with something extra. He's also not the most strong-willed person, since he gives in to her grisly demands.

Lilith is more interesting--villains are always more interesting! I kind of wish we'd never switched to her POV, which felt a bit like a pat explanation. Remember in Psycho how Hitchcock used the psychiatrist at the end to explain everything? I thought that took a huge amount of the punch out of the movie. Here, I think it'd be stronger to have Lilith's transformation be in front of Lief's eyes. You could have him flee, with her laughter hounding him and her shrieking, "Just wait. You'll be back. You can't help yourself."

Then end it with, something like, in his heart, he knew she was right.

__________

Grammar
I found a few things, noted in the line-by-line remarks below.

__________
You've got my main suggestion for this haunting little tale above. I loved it, grisly and ghoulish though it was. By the way, where is that abandoned church again? I'm blocked on my current novel and I could use one of those keys...oh, wait...

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
Lief glanced at the crinkled bit of paper in his hand and then back at the crumbling building before him. The monastery perched, like a bird of prey, waiting for a mouse to creep up. Its stone frame crouched just behind a dark pool and was cradled between the rock shelves of a mountain’s base. Fir trees penned the clearing in, with only the dirt path he’d hiked down leading out.My Comment: Great opening with active descriptions.

He kicked his converse through the fallen pine needles and wished he were as good as the rest of them. My Comment: Do you mean "Converse" as in a brand of sneakers? If so, it should be capitalized.

Her voice was like a winter breeze, stinging deep in his chest.My Comment: this felt a little mixed. Can a breeze sting deep?

white-blonde bangs. Her white gown clung to a frame that would have made models feel ugly. My Comment: "white" repeats.

But Lief’s moth seemed filled with cotton, My Comment: typo: "mouth"

other places on his body were also decidedly out of his control.My Comment: I'd be specific here.

he felt the pull of it like a magnet.My Comment: Be careful about phrases like "he felt." This is the third instance so far in this story. Usually, it's more immediate and intimate for the reader to describe directly what he felt. Since you're in his point of view, readers will infer he felt it, and that little step of inference helps to draw them into Lief's head and hence into the story.

Behind wings of dark lashes were eyes like black pools.My Comment: This is a fantastic image, except that the verb "were" carries the weight of showing it. Perhaps, "eyes like black pools peered from behind wings of dark lashes..."

Lief entered the large open space where the girl had disappeared. The room was filled with thin, golden birdcages.My Comment: "large" is one of those non-specific adjectives that don't add to the image. Perhaps the room is cavernous? Also, "was filled with" is passive voice, which puts readers in a passive, receptive mood. Since you want them to be your active partners in imagining this scene, active verb forms are generally better.

ruby throated hummingbirdMy Comment: ruby-throated

The scribes told me you were ready for this.” My Comment: You capitalized "Scribes" earlier...

“Fine. You’re free to walk out, boy.” Lief winced. “Just know that you’ll never be great without this. You’ll never find the key without me.”My Comment: When Lief winces, it's his non-verbal response to her speech. For this reason, I'd consider putting his reaction in its own paragraph, just as would if he'd spoken out loud.

Beneath his leather jacket he was slick with sweat.My Comment: Another sentence where the main verb is a form of "to be." Here, maybe "sweat slicked his torso beneath his leather jacket..."

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
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14 days may be credited.

#3615612

Review of Branding of a Heretic

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Branding of a Heretic"

Author Kal S. Davian

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
This prologue opens in the study of Claradina, a winged scholar on another planet. She's deep in the study of the ancient scrolls when her assistant, Lu'vina, arrives. Her assistant is of another species, one that radiates a flame-like aura. The two discuss a particular scroll that has just come into Claradina's possession and it's implications for their understanding of the past and their hopes for the future.

As an aside, this item is quite long--over 8000 words. There's nothing wrong with that--a prologue or chapter is however long or short it needs to be. However, for reviewing purposes, this is longer than most people will be able or willing to take on. Reviewing is different from casual reading. It takes much more concentrated effort and time. I find that after about 2000-3000 words, my ability to provide detailed and helpful comments diminishes considerably. Indeed, this particular review only pertains to about the first 2000 words of your prologue for just this reason. I really liked what I read, but I didn't feel I could give the material after the first break the attention it deserved. This had nothing to do with the quality of what I read--which was quite good--but rather with my own time constraints and my ability to really focus for more than a concentrated hour or so.

__________

Style and Voice
The style is lyrical, with lovely descriptions.

However, please bear with me as I digress on point of view. About 30% of modern fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited. In the latter, the author relates the story in the third person, but for each scene selects one character to use as the "point of view" character. We see the story through this character; we hear, smell, taste and otherwise sense things as this character does. We can even know this character's thoughts. The idea is that this immerses the readers in the head of the point of view character, and thus helps to draw them into the story.

As recently as thirty years ago, one could still find many stories that used an omniscient narrator who stands outside the story, knowing all, and tells the story. This approach has all but disappeared from modern commercial fiction.

Now, in the first scene we are, in fact, mostly in Claradina's head. It would be an easy tweak to put the readers solidly there. For example, if she doesn't notice something, then the reader can't learn about it until she does. Unless it's natural for her to think about her appearance, the reader doesn't learn about it, and so on.

The other thing I noticed in this chapter--and it's further evidence of an omniscient narrator--is that there are many places where the story stops while the author intrudes to tell the reader things. These are surely important things, but does the reader need to know them right now? You've got a whole novel to show this background, in scenes designed specifcally for that purpose. It's important in this chapter that we get to know the protagonist, and get a sense of what her goals are and what the barriers are to achieving those goals. We don't necessarily need to know the intimate details, right this instance, about this world.

__________

Referencing
Many nice little details to establish the nature and character of this world.

__________

Scene/Setting
Lovely. Great descriptions.

__________

Characters
Claradina and the easy relationship with her aid come through nicely. Both are sympathetic characters, despite their unusual appearances.

__________

Grammar
I found a few typos, noted in the line-by-line comments below.

Your prose is really lovely. However, I would be careful about sentence length and adverbs. Bear in mind that longer sentences take readers longer to read, and thus can make a story seem to drag. This sentence, for example, is full of wonderful, vivid images:

The glass rattled softly in its frame as late spring winds blew passed the wide arched window of the study room, the occasional petal or leaf swirling by, caught up in the current.

However, it's pretty long. If you broke it in two, for example after "room," and changed the final clause to a stand-alone sentence, I think it would read better. I also have to say that adverbs almost always send me looking for more precise verbs. Stephen King tells us that the road to Hell is paved with adverbs, and I think he's right. For one thing, they are little speed bumps that slow the prose. For another, they tend to lure the author into "telling" rather than "showing." In this case, maybe "jiggered" would be better that "rattled softly." In fact, just "rattle" is fine all by itself.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. This is the heart of my comments above on point of view, and also the basis for many of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

THis is a great opening to your novel, with wonderful, lyrical prose, likable characters, and an intricately conceived and credible world. Thanks for sharing, and keep on writing!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
The glass rattled softly in its frame as late spring winds blew passed the wide arched window of the study room, the occasional petal or leaf swirling by, caught up in the current. Bright sunlight from a cloudless day poured through the glass, falling on the simple yet elegant and well-made Meraian rug that blanketed the fine lacquered wooden floor. The blue strands of shimisha seaweed that were sewn into it seemed to dance as they sparkled, bringing the portrayed naiads to life. Each sparkle reflected onto the walls and ceiling, further illuminating every corner of the sun-lit room.My Comment: This description is lovely. You use strong verbs and paint a sensual image. However, this feels very much like an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, looking in. For your opening, I'd consider first establishing a point of view character and then have the reader see this room through his/her eyes. Drawing readers first into a character's head helps to then draw them into your fictional world.

Some minor points: you've got a typo. It should be "past," not "passed." Also, beware of repeating words and phrases ("sparkled"). This runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, so it's often better to have more varied word choice.

half of which were crammed with a myriad of books in a multitude of colors and sizes.

My Comment: "were crammed" is passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. For this reason, active verb forms are almost always better.

Though, sitting behind the desk, Claradina Ou'bosa was oblivious to all of it as she poured over several of the old scrolls which littered the surface, My Comment: I'd consider leading with Claradina, so that we start in her head. Also, having her "oblivious" to her surroundings emphasizes that there is an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story looking in. This tends to distance the reader from the events, as opposed to pulling them in, which is why omniscient narrators have all but disappeared from modern commercial fiction.

Here, you might consider having her look up and cast a weary gaze across the room, lost in thought. If you follow this with your description, you've established her point of view, so now we're seeing the room through her eyes.

As the tray was placedMy Comment: passive voice...

She was more than just a servant. Since everyone in the complex was a scholar of sorts, she was also Claradina's confidant and would discuss the scrolls and histories with her when she required it. My Comment: The author intrudes here to tell us a fact. This again pulls us out of the story. Can you show this, through her words and deeds?

War of righteousness,My Comment: you wrote "War of Righteousness" later, which seems more appropriate.

Only that one of these days your bending of the rules will land you in state of discomfort,"My Comment: typo: in A state of discomfort, right?

scroll placed nearest to her. "Well, the scrollMy Comment: "scroll" repeats.

Most su'nora could sense the age of an object, the time span of its existence, some down to the month of its formation.My Comment: Author intrudes to state another fact. In this case, the reader can infer it from her words and actions, so it's not necessary. That little step of inference helps to draw readers into your story.

The Purge of Lies, is what she was referring toMy Comment: This launches a longer author intrusion, where the story stops while the author tells the reader stuff. This pulls readers out of your fictional world since it disrupts the action, namely the conversation between these two.

Claradina looked up to realized her clerk was not being thoughtful, she was stunned. My Comment: Typo: Claradina looked up to realize her clerk...

**********My Comment: I stopped reviewing at the first break, not because I didn't care for what I'd read--on the contrary!--but because of what's known as "reviewer fatigue," as noted above. You've got a fine start, and the rest of this deserves the same detailed review I've done so far. It's just that reviewing is hard, concentrated work, and I can't give this the attention it deserves all in one sitting.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
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291

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14 days may be credited.

#3612805

Review of Eye of the Needle

Review by

In affiliation with PRIME A Workshop for Authors

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Eye of the Needle"

Author Ernest Huxley

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Otto lives in a post-apocalyptic world, plagued by memories of his wife Penelope's death. His only companion is Calypse, a lovely but bizarre creature who has a ravenous appetite for the books he brings her. When she demands a book that reminds him of Penelope, though, that is too much and Otto declines to feed her...

__________

Style and Voice
Third person limited, first in Otto's point of view, then in Officer Peterson's.

__________

Referencing
Modern era...all consistent.

__________

Scene/Setting
You did a good job here. Otto's bizarre world comes into sharp focus at the end, but it's believable enough when we are inside his head. You did an excellent job with vivid imagery throughout.

__________

Characters
The prose is at its most lyrical when you describe Otto's sense of loss--quite lovely, really. We understand his longing, his despair, and his sorrow. At the end, we understand, too, his expression in death. Great job with him. I liked the contrast, too, with Peterson and his more distant, analytic persona.

__________

Grammar
I spotted a couple typos, noted in the line-by-line.

__________

Just my opinion
I confess that your teaser--" I doubt this will be received well..."--was what piqued my curiosity. Having read it, I wonder what there is not to like?

I love stories that breathe new life to classical myths by putting them in a modern setting. You've done that beautifully here with the myth of Odysseus and Calypso, even giving us a hint with a quote from Homer. I also love stories with a twist, and this one delivers in that arena, too. Finally, I love allegories. I won't deconstruct the symbols in this little tale, but I love the way that you've woven these seamlessly into the story. One can certainly enjoy this piece on more than one level.

Other than some minor notes in the line-by-line comments below, I think this story works really well. My only possible suggestion would be to speed up the final paragraphs a bit. Once we've got to the reveal about Otto's situation, the story is really over, except for Peterson searching for the right word to describe his expression. I think it might be a little more effective if you shortened the last section a bit.

Thanks for sharing! This was a great story to start my Sunday morning!!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
Otto’s leather shoes reverberate off the marbled floor as he pushes the cart of books towards the secret room. The clicking echo of his footsteps seem to expand within the vaulting walls of the abandoned library. A thought forms in Otto’s mind, sounds lonely, and the thought begins to echo too, until it rings out like an accusation. Sounds lonely sounds lonely sounds...My Comment: This is a great opening! You name the point-of-view character, put him in motion, and orient the reader in space and time. You also foreshadow his dilemma. The prose has a wonderful rhythm as well--it sings.

Oh shit. Thinks Otto, taking a reflexive step back. The teeth, he scolds himself, I always forget about the teeth. My Comment: The editorial standard is to use italics alone, without tags, to denote thoughts. My editors always take out any tags associated with a direct quote of a character's inner thoughts.

as they are consumed by her bristling maw. My Comment: "are consumed by" is passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your story. For this reason, active verb forms are usually better.

He feels a tugging on his pants hem and looks down. My Comment: Phrases like "he feels" filter the sensation through your character's head. It's usually more intimate and immediate for the readers if you describe the sensation directly. You can emphasize, as you do here, that he felt it by having him react.

He then felt her breath on his neck, My Comment: ...another "he felt..."

and her voice floods his mind like silk.My Comment: lovely simile

land lord open the door. My Comment: typo: "landlord:" one word. Same thing appears later.

The body was in the kitchen, laying on a tacky plastic marble floor.My Comment: Lie/lay always gives me trouble. In this case, I think it should be "lying," since it's something Otto did to himself. See
http://web.ku.edu/~edit/lie.html

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
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292

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3611903

Review of INVASION

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Invalid Item"

. In support of the contest, I'm hoping to be able to review and critique all of the entries.
__________
Item Reviewed: "INVASION"

Author Oldwarrior

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Tom and his family are caught in the midst of the War of the Secession, with sympathies for the Confederate side. They family feels the privations of war that fall on civilians, and in addition has lost two sons. Tom and his youngest set some traps, hoping to capture a deer. Instead, they capture something quite different...

__________

Style and Voice
Mostly this is told using third person limited, in Tom's point of view. There are a couple of bobbles that I note in the line-by-line below.

__________

Referencing
We learn from context a bit about Tom and his family. There are also some places where the author intrudes to tell the reader facts--more on this below.

__________

Scene/Setting
This was sufficient for staging, but it was pretty sparse. For example, what was it like where Tom lives? I have the impression of plowed fields, but also of wilderness nearby. Do they have neighbors? Is this in the Appalachians? You mention Tupelo, which is of course northern Mississippi. Still, the area may be unfamiliar to many readers, and certainly what it was like in 1864 will be familiar to almost no one. So, to help draw readers into your fictional world, I'd consider adding more setting and, with it, more context.

__________

Characters
This is mostly about Tom. He's loyal to the Confederacy and determined to feed his family. The other characters aren't as fully realized.

__________

Grammar
The copy is clean--I didn't see any errors. Good job!

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

My major suggestions for this story involve making it longer. It starts out well, and you put your characters in motion in word and deed to show, rather than tell, the story. But about halfway through the narrative falls into telling events, with the author summarizing things. It's much more intimate and immediate for your readers if you show events actually transpiring, through specific actions of your characters, and by putting words in their mouths and thoughts in their heads.

I also had some problems with the newcomer's speech at the end, and the ease with which he persuaded Tom to help him--more on this in the line-by-line. In addition, I thought his speech was more of a lecture directed at modern readers than an explanation Tom would be likely to understand. This also stopped the events of the story and, in my view, reduced the dramatic tension. Finally, I felt that the story didn't quite come to a resolution but rather just stopped. The thematic content, because it came in what felt like a lecture, lost it's dramatic punch and also felt somewhat disconnected from the rest of the story.

WIth all of that, I think you have a great idea for a story: a time traveler dispatched back to 1864, bent on changing history, is interesting and should capture reader's attention.

Do keep writing, and thanks for sharing!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
The old man threw his wet jacket on the rough plank table and leaned his rifle against the wall. He motioned for his young daughter to bring him a cup of chicory that passed for coffee during these times of deprivation.My Comment: This is a good opening: you start with your point-of-view character in motion, and you orient the reader in space and time. My only quibble is that you haven't named Tom in the opening sentence. Giving the readers his name is one way to help draw them into his head and hence you’re your fictional world.

His wife cast a worried glance in his direction.My Comment: I could have used a touch of description here, and perhaps a bit more setting. Maybe she tucks a stray russet hair back into her bun, wipes her hands on her apron. Since they are inside, is it light or dark? Is the floor dirt or wood planks? What are the odors? You wouldn't have to add all these details, but a few would help to set the scene.

Tom leaned over his warm cup of brew. Memories of better times poured back. They were in the third year of the War of Secession, the Civil War the Yankees called it. He had already lost two of his older sons and hadn’t heard anything from his son Jess for goin’ on a year. Although his youngest son, Johnny was a good, hardworking son, he just didn’t have the muscle and endurance to help plow the fields and do the harvesting. That’s why their crops had been so small this past fall.My Comment: Here the story stops while the author intrudes to tell the reader background facts. These are important facts, but this kind of narrator intrusion interrupts the fictional dream and pulls the reader out of the story. I wonder if you might consider relating this information through dialogue?

“Lookit pa,” Johnny whispered, pointing at a subdued patch on the man’s shoulder. It was a small copy of the American flagMy Comment: to stay in Tom's point of view, I'm guessing that "Yankee flag" or "Northern flag" would be more appropriate here.

They were both startled My Comment: This is the author intruding to state a fact. I wonder if you could show them being startled, either with their body language or some other nonverbal--or verbal--indication?

“What for should I help a thieving Yankee?” Tom retorted, his disgust and anger quite evident.My Comment: To reinforce Tom's point of view, you might say something like Tom let his anger bark in his voice.

The man looked puzzled at first, then realized the boy was staring at the American Flag patchMy Comment: Hops from Tom's point of view to the man's.

A few minutes later they were sitting around a small fire eating strange dried food the sergeant called MRE’s and drinking powdered coffee. It tasted like heaven to Tom and Johnny.My Comment: This transition felt a little rough. What was Tom thinking? Why was the so easily able to persuade him to remove the log? Why was Tom so easily convinced the man wasn't a Union soldier, given the flag on his shoulder? It's clear Tom and his son have no sympathy for the Union, and thus I think you need to give more of a hint as to Tom's state of mind.

They stared at the soldier in awe!My Comment: I felt the story just kind of stopped here as opposed to coming to a resolution. Is there more? Also, parts of the man's speech--"time travel," "socialized medical care," "redistribution of wealth"--include concepts that would almost certainly be foreign to Tom, or at the very least mean something quite different. "Socialism," for example, was understood at this time mostly through small, experimental communities like New Harmony, Indiana. Even that might not be known to Tom. The point is that I'm not sure they would look on in "awe," but rather confusion.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
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#3608153

Review of Story Maker

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I saw on "Reviewing Reviewers Public Forum"

that you requested a review for this story. I'm so glad to have found and read this! I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Story Maker"

Author Early

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Gemma loves scary stories. It's Halloween, and a new bookstore has opened just in time to satisfy her hunger for horror. Turns out, the proprietor shares her tastes...

__________

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Gemma's head. There are a couple of places where the narrator intrudes to tell the reader stuff--I've noted these in the line-by-line comments below. Otherwise, you did a great job of establishing and staying with Gemma as your POV character.

__________

Referencing
Most likely modern-day, since Stephen King is mentioned as nearing retirement...

__________

Scene/Setting
I loved the creepy bookstore. It's almost like a character. You did a great job of setting the tone for the story and adding tension through the descriptions. Great job here!

__________

Characters
Gemma and the proprietor. Gemma is a little bookish and withdrawn, in love with all things scary. The proprietor is...well, let's just say it's a match made in Heaven...no, wait...someplace else, maybe?

__________

Grammar

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

Adverbs.

You really don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________

Just my personal opinion
This is a REALLY good story. Thank you for giving me a such great way to start my day! From the opening paragraph all the way through to the twist at the ending, you did a wonderful job of engaging my imagination and increasing the tension.

I've made a lot of comments in the line-by-line remarks below. In fact, I've been far pickier about this story than most I read because I think you show exceptional talent. I've read it exactly as I try to read my own, looking for places to deepen the fictional dream and crank up the tension. I hope you take these in the spirit in which they are offered. As always, my comments are my opinions only, and you should use what makes sense and disregard the rest.

Again, this is a terrific story. Thanks for sharing it, and do keep writing!!!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
The door whispered shut behind Gemma Blackstone’s legs, as she stepped into the dimly lit space. A new bookstore had opened up only a block from campus, and as far as she could tell, no one had noticed but her. It smelled like cloves and wood chips, with a quiet so heavy it pressed in on all sides like the walls of a coffin. My Comment: I love this opening! You name your point-of-view character, have her doing something, and orient the reader in space and time. You've got great active verbs--I love the "whispered"--and use scent and hearing as well as visually describe the setting. That all really pulls the reader into your fictional world and into Gemma's head.

I do have some minor quibbles. I'm not sure, but I don't think you need a comma after "legs." I could be wrong--commas are largely a mystery to me--but this one didn't look right. I'd also consider replacing "space" in the first sentence with "bookstore," so we know right away where she is at. That would entail some revision in the next sentence to avoid repeating "bookstore," something I'm sure you can figure out.

She got that feeling a lot when she was all by herself,My Comment: This feels like the author intruding to state a fact...

It was just the season for foolish fear; Halloween was tomorrow and it always made her jumpy. Truthfully, she loved scary movies and haunted mazes. She ate them up. But she didn’t like to be scared so much when it was real, and she couldn’t quite tell what kind of scary this was. My Comment: I understand this is important information for the readers to know, but it also feels like the author intruding. I wonder if you could tweak this a bit to make in more in Gemma's point of view? Perhaps she berates herself for being jumpy. You could establish the season through the pumpkins in the next paragraph, as part of the setting, so I'm not sure you need it here--or you might put that bit of description here. To show that she likes scary stories, she might look for a book by Stephen King, or just seek out the "horror" section. It would take a little longer, but showing is almost always stronger than telling.

behind it's carved features from a hidden flame.My Comment: Typo: should be "its carved features."

She was in charge of the halloween party this year and she needed it to be perfect.My Comment: This launches a bit more author intrusion...I'm also not quite sure this information is central to the plot.

than mot haunted houses.My Comment: typo: most

oldfashioned shopkeeper'sMy Comment: typo

Behind his spindly gold glasses, his eyes were completely black with doll-like lashes.My Comment: This description is great, but notice in this sentence the verb "were" does all the work of connecting the description with the man. If you rephrased a bit to choose a more active verb, I think it would make the description even spookier. For example, maybe, "He peered at her with ebony eyes that hid behind spindly gold glasses. When he blinked, his doll-like lashes seemed to brush against the lenses." Or something similar. The idea is to have the man and the eyes do things.

There was something very wrong with this man and she needed to get stall.My Comment: I'm unfamiliar with the idiom "get stall."

It was a little too scary of a costume, Gemma thought. normal people definitely didn't take it this far.My Comment: When you directly quote a character's thoughts, the editorial standard is to place them in italics without a tag.

“What the hell-” she spluttered, and turned around to see the black-eyed man only inches from her face. She gasped and backed up into the wall.My Comment: When you write "she turned to see..." you filter what she saw through Gemma. Usually, it's more immediate and intimate for your readers to describe directly what she saw and then have her react to it. This is nearly what you do, except for the "turned to see." If you write, "She spluttered and turned. The black-eyed man hovered only inches from her face. She gasped and..." Notice, also, I'd replace the "was only inches" with a more subjective and active verb like "hovered."

“Red would be a better color on you,” he said quietly. My Comment: "said quietly" is a weak verb/adverb combination. A more precise verb might be "murmured."

She could feel his breath on her face,My Comment: "She could feel..." is like "She turned to see..." above.

his eyes were charged with electricity, burning into her.My Comment: "were charged" is passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you wan them to be your active partners in imagining your story. For this reason, active verb forms are generally better.

Suddenly the air was split by a ticking noise.My Comment: passive voice again...

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
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#3606616

Review of Illusions

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for inviting me to visit your portfolio. I found this story, enjoyed reading it, and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Illusions"

Author Liza

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Sophia is puzzled by her reflection. When an orderly disturbs her, she fears that she's paralyzed, but he helps her understand she's just been obsessed by the television. He helps with breathing exercises and she calms a bit. As he leaves, she returns to the old pattern of staring at the screen. The orderly is just happy that she's not violent.

__________

Style and Voice
Mostly this is third person limited, in Sophia's point of view. THere are a couple of small slips that I've noted in the line-by-line comments below.

__________

Referencing
We're in a sanitarium, and the point of view character is delusional. This is a difficult scene to construct, since there will necessarily be inconsistencies in it, but you did a great job mixing reality and dream together and not confusing the reader.

__________

Scene/Setting
This was pretty sparse. On the other hand, Sophia is fixated on specific elements of her environment: her reflection, then the orderly, then the puzzle, and then the TV screen once again. That fits with her mental state, and so your descriptions, which follow her obsessions, are perfectly conceived.

__________

Characters
Mostly, this is Sopia, and from the very first paragraph we know there's something amiss with her perceptions and her emotional state. The rest of the story does a great job of building a picture of the various aspects of her illness, including strong suggestions of her self-destructive history. I really liked this aspect of the story--you've done an outstanding job of introducing the reader to this character,and you've revealed her emotional state through her words, deeds, and thoughts. That's challenging to do, and you did excellent work here.

__________

Grammar

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

In this story, it would have been so tempting to fall into clinical descriptions of Sophia, but instead you revealed these details through her words, deeds, and actions. That's great. However, there other places, especially those involving Adam, where you lapsed into telling rather than showing. These tend to stop the story and pull the reader out of the fictive dream, which is why I flagged them.

I enjoyed reading this moody, dark character study. You left me wondering about Sophia's history and her future, which is a good place to leave readers.

Thanks for sharing, and for asking me to read your work. Keep on writing!!!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
She stares into the blank screen in front of her, seeing her pale reflection in it, and wonders what it might help her understand of her mind, if anything. It stares back blankly, never changing, never offering her assistance, just reflecting her own image - static, cold, empty. What is wrong with this ridiculous thing that it cannot do as it should? Why shouldn't it change? Why doesn't it help her understand? But it remains still as ever. My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. They are your first and best chance to draw readers into your world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

This opening starts in media res with your point-of-view character doing something. Moreover, the opening sets the mood and establishes her mental state and confusion. These are all excellent features.

Still, I think there are some easy things you might consider to improve this. For one thing, "she" has no antecedent; I'd name Sophia at once, in the first sentence. Assigning her a name will help readers identify with her, and help to draw them into her head. There are also some extra words that tend to slow down the prose, which in turn will slow the readers' connections to events. Here's an edited version that eliminates some of these:
Sophia stares into the blank screen, seeing her pale reflection, and wonders how it might help her understand her mind. It stares back, never changing, never offering her assistance, just reflecting her own image- static, cold, empty. What is wrong with this ridiculous thing? Why shouldn't it change? Why doesn't it help her understand? But it remains still as ever.

These changes are miniscule, but the result reads faster and, I think, more smoothly. Strunk and White's favorite aphorism is "eliminate needless words." Like most rules, I wouldn't follow this one off a cliff, since repetition can add beauty and rhythm to your prose--think of the raven "rapping, rapping at my chamber door." In this case, however, I think it makes the opening smoother.

Sophia reaches out to the screen, almost afraid something will jump out at her, yet sure she will remain safe behind this wall of real and make-believe. Surprisingly, the screen suddenly shimmers, and she yanks her arm back with an alarmed yelp of shock.My Comment: Here, "almost afraid" and "surpisingly" (one of those adverbs I mentioned above) tell the reader Sophia's emotional state. It would be stronger to show her state. For example, maybe her fingers have a slight tremor as she extends them, thus showing she's afraid. In the case of the adverb, you DO show her surprise when she yanks her arm back and yelps. The adverb is another of those unnecessary words that just slows the pace.

Bewildered and very frightened, she yells out suddenly, afraid that her voice has faded away without reason. My Comment: Mark Twain once said that whenever he was tempted to use the word "very," he'd substitute a cuss word instead. He knew his editor would take the profanity out, and then his prose would look the way it should have in the first place. I'd consider eliminating "very" as one of those words that add nothing.

"Breath", he tells her and snaps his fingers in front of her face. My Comment: I think you mean "breathe" here, right?

until he sees her calmer. My Comment: This tells us what's in Adam's head, and so it's a small point-of-view violation. You've been solidly in Sophia's head up until now; I'd stay there throughout.

Once standing, he immediately pulls his hands away as though concerned she will bite him, as she has other orderlies. Adam gently scolds her for allowing herself to become so focused on the television again.
Finally, Sophia understands a little bit of what has happened. My Comment: The bit of information about her having bitten other orderlies didn't feel quite like something Sophia would think, so it's another small POV violation. Also, you've narrated Adam's comments rather than putting actual words in his mouth. The sentences that follow explain, in narrated form, what had happened earlier. This is the author, standing outside the story, telling the reader things, which breaks the readers' fictive dream. It would be stronger here if you could have Adam's words let the reader infer what had happened, along with the information about her having bitten other orderlies. Something like, "Now, you're not going to bite me like you did Martha, are you?" establishes the biting without the author intruding to state a fact--as an example.

The orderly looks at her in concernMy Comment: Another small POV slip, since it tells the reader what's in Adam's head. Now if "concern shadows his eyes," then you're in Sophie's head, seeing concern in his expression.

The puzzle is shimmering at her, as one piece off to the side flashes brightly in the gentle sunlight, which is cascading over the green pool on the puzzle in front of her.My Comment:
The word "puzzle" is used twice in this sentence, and then several more times in the rest of this paragraph and the next. Repeating words and phrases like this can make your prose seem monotone, so more varied word choice is often advisable.

unaware of the orderly scrutinizing her until she seemed settled again and also unaware of how close he came to pressing the panic button on his wrist. My Comment: If she's unaware, then this is once again the author intruding to state a fact and a POV violation.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories.

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
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295

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3598279

Review of Four Way Stop

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found the allegory you'd posted on "Please Review"

, and that led me to this gem. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Four Way Stop"

Author Swordarm

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
It's late on 9/11/2011, and Maddie's alone at the Four Way Stop convenience store. Nothing happens this late on a weekend, and she's watching a special recapping events from ten years ago. Then and unexpected customer arrives, and her life changes forever.

__________

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Maddie's head. Perfect.

__________

Referencing
No slips--we know exactly when this takes place. There's even a reference to You Tube.

__________

Scene/Setting
Well, it's a convenience store, so it's not like you need a lot. You did a good job of establishing how remote and deserted this place was, and there was more than sufficient information for staging.

__________

Characters
You did and outstanding job bringing Maddie to life--especially through the use of her humorous inner thoughts. The Knight was completely credible, if surreal. I loved the dialogue between these two characters.

__________

Grammar
I marked a few repeated words in the line-by-line comments. This was clean copy--good work.

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

__________

Just my personal opinion
I liked this story quite a lot. The plot and characters were memorable and very creative. As with any good story, it left me wanting to know more.

I did notice--especially at the beginning--quite a few author intrusions. These are places where the story stops while the author tells the reader stuff. After the knight shows up, you did an excellent job of revealing things by putting your characters in motion, in word and deed. But the beginning seemed to drag, and I think the reason is that it's mostly narrated, told rather than shown. If you could devise a short scene that reveals the information in the opening through the words and deeds of your characters, I think it would do a better job of drawing readers into this fictional world.

This is an excellent story. You've got imaginative similes and metaphors, memorable characters, and a marvelous twist to a lonely night in a convenience store. I was a little disappointed at the ending--it seemed too conventional for the brilliant flash of the plot. However, that may be just my preference for endings that are more ambiguous and less concrete.

THanks for sharing. I enjoyed the story you posted on the review request page, too, but this one really grabbed me. I'll look forward to reading more of your work.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
In forty five minutes it would be midnight, and Maddie would be done with the night shift for another two years, barring an emergency. Ellis, the owner of The Four Way Stop convenience store, worked the night shift himself every night, Monday through Saturday (he closed at eight on Sunday). Every two years, he took a month off and bought a vacation package to some exotic destination. Both times in her five years of employment, he had assigned Maddie, his de facto assistant manager, the task of waiting on the dozen or so customers that would be in on a busy night between 8 and 12 (three quarters of those between 8 and 10), and keeping the coffee fresh for Deputy Martinez who would come in two or three times for his complementary caffeine fix.My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. They are your first and best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

The good parts of this opening are that you name your point-of-view character and you orient the reader in space and time. However, everything in this paragraph is narrated background. Starting in media res is always good advice.

My main suggestion for this story involves the first third, before the knight arrives. The story really comes to life at that point. The reason is that you put your characters in motion in word and deed at that point--and what characters they are! What I'd suggest for the opening is to devise a little scene with Maddie and perhaps Deputy Martinez that puts them in motion and reveals the things that you tell the reader.

She took Maddie out of school and they sat in her grandmother’s old house (a house that had been originally built without indoor plumbing) and stared rapt through a virtual window at the face of twenty-first century terror. My Comment: You could reveal all of this narrated flashback in a short dialogue exchange between Maddie and the Deputy. Also, instead of a parenthetical remark I'd consider using dashes. Editors, agents and English teachers tend to dislike the parenthetic remark. It's also true that it disrupts the flow of the sentence.

She picked up her phone, dialed 911, shivered a little at the coincidence of those numbers staring back at her on the display, put her thumb on the send key, and walked out of the office then around the counter for a clear view out of the windows. My Comment: I'd consider breaking this into shorter sentences. Here, you're increasing the tensions. People read short sentences faster, and so this will have the effect of increasing the pace.

She saw the thing, in the flesh as it were, and for a moment, it was still unclear in the dimness at the very edges of the light, maybe some weird piece of farm equipment, she thought. My Comment: Phrases like "she saw" filter the sensory information through your character. It's almost always more intimate and immediate for the reader to describe directly what she saw/heard/felt/etc. If you want to emphasize she saw it, have her react in some way--perhaps she draws a shuddering breath, or leans forward to peer into the screen. Readers will infer she saw it, both from the fact that you are in her POV and from her reaction. That little step of inference helps to draw readers into your story.

A horse and rider approached.My Comment: I love the way you draw out this description, withholding the essential parts as along as possible. You've done a great job here increasing both tension and mystery.

Random patches on horse and rider alike were dark and did not shine, but in some places it seemed, ominously, to glisten. My Comment: I'm not quite clear why glistening armor should be ominous? A little metaphor or simile here instead of the adverb might help this along.

Then she caught the red tint in the black smears across the armor and realized what it was. This startled her back to her senses and she realizedMy Comment: "realized" appears in consecutive sentences. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone.

she better figure out an explanation for what she was seeing, or just hit send, she thought fleetingly. My Comment: You put her thought "or just hit send" in italics. This is standard for showing internal thoughts. Most editors will therefore delete the "thought tag" as redundant. Unlike speech, where "she said" is fine, editors discourage "she thought." The reason is that you've only got one POV character per scene, so it's clear whose thought it is. Tags for speech can help the reader keep track of who's speaking.

He’s smeared with blood, you ditz, She thought, My Comment: See above on the "she thought."

He tilted his head, listening intently then frowned, nodding his head as if in realization. My Comment: "Head" repeats; you don't need the second instance.

I do, she thought, and had to stifle another giggle. My Comment: I love the humor that you've laced through this. It really brings Maddie to life.

She considered for a moment just calling the prank and refusing to play along any more but the way he was looking at her, so earnest, almost desperate.My Comment: did you mean "but for the way he was looking at her?

The sword was almost as tall as she was and as wide as it seemed the blade must be within the sheath, she thought the sword would be incredibly heavy but it wasn’t.My Comment: this sentence runs on a bit…

This guy’s got me hotter than Arizona asphaltMy Comment: Hahaha! Great description!

“Beware, lady, it can be seductive.”My Comment: Great foreshadowing…

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
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#3579198

Review of TO WRITE OR NOT TO

Review by

In affiliation with PRIME A Workshop for Authors

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Storyman,

I saw this note on the "Review Request Page," and I thought I'd share my experience and comments.

First, it's not uncommon to have far more viewers than reviewers. My own ratio seems to run at least 25 views for every review, and it's even higher for some pieces.

However, there are strategies that you can use to generate reviews. Probably the most significant way is to review other people. I see that you've been a member for three years and have zero "review recognitions." That means that you've reviewed fewer than 100 items in three years. During the same period of time, I've reviewed 1434 items. I try to review at least one or two a week. Reviewing makes me a better author, since it improves my ability to read my own work critically. It ALSO encourages people to review you back. I'd say that at least a quarter the reviews I get are from people who are reciprocating for reviews i've sent.

Another strategy is to join an author's critique group. There are several here on WDC as well as elsewhere. The purpose of these groups is share current works in progress and review each other. If you're in a group like this, you're guaranteed to get reviews--provided that you participate by giving reviews. Over half the reviews I get are from the review groups I'm in.

So...the main strategy to get people to review you is to first send out reviews yourself.

I don't recall if I've read your work before or not, but here are some other ideas. First, shorter pieces are more likely to attract reviews than longer ones. If your story is more than 3000 words, I'd consider breaking it into parts one and two, and posting them separately--just for the purpose of soliciting reviews.

Second, many people will open items and decide, based on your first few sentences, whether or not to continue reading. This may sound unfair, but in fact the same is true of many agents and editors. So, read your opening paragraph? Does it draw the reader in, establish the point of view, start in the middle the action, and orient the reader in space and time? If you're not doing all of these things, and doing them with concise and evocative prose, that might be part of the problem, too.

Most contests will give you some kind of review as well, so entering contests is another strategy to get reviews.

My final bit of advice is that you should NOT quit writing. Emily Dickinson wrote her poems for herself, and basically no one read them until after she passed away. Writers write because they can't stop writing. If people are opening your items, you're doing something right! So, don't quit, just based on the fact that not a lot of people are reviewing you.

Having said all that, if you'll send me a like to a short story--preferably less than 3000 words--I'll take a shot at sending you a critique. Be aware, though, that you'll get an in-depth review that points out both strengths and areas for improvements.

Keep writing!

Max

297

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14 days may be credited.

#3578280

Review of Non Omnis Moriar Chapter 1

Review by

In affiliation with PRIME A Workshop for Authors

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1774416 Unavailable **

Hi, this is Max. Thank you for asking me to look at this. I enjoyed reading it and decided I could learn from studying it. I wanted to share my thoughts with you about this item.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Non Omnis Moriar Chapter 1"

Author FarAwayEyes

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________

Plot
Jared wakes in a hospital lobby. He can't remember how he got there, but he's certain he must find his sister, Mandy. Curious memories and visions intrude, and no one will acknowledge his presence. His cell phone has no signal. At least he wanders to intensive care, where he finds his sister...

________________

Point of view and style
Third person limited, in Jared's head. No slips.

________________

Referencing
Modern day, from the references to texting and cell phones. All consistent.

________________

Scene/Setting
This was well done. The settings were more than sufficient for staging, and flowed naturally within the point of view. You used all the senses. The interludes with the visions worked well, too; that's difficult to do.

________________

Characters
This is almost entirely Jared. We get tantalizing tidbits of his sister, mostly in the flashes/visions. Jared's confusion, determination, pain, and panic come through perfectly.

________________

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (well, there are over 60 in this piece), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________

Just my personal opinion
This is a great opening. You've woven quite a bit of imagery into this, with interesting symbols tossed in. I do have some general reactions. I know this is a first draft, so I apologize if I mention things that you'd repair in subsequent passes.

First, I think you over-use Jared's name. He's the only character through most of this, so you can use a pronoun for him and use his name less. This goes with the occasional repeated word or phrase that I also noted. These things run the risk of making your prose seem monotone, hence more varied word choice is often advisable.

Another thing I noticed is that there is a lot of "Jared sensed X," where "sensed" is "heard," "saw," "felt," or something similar. This filters the sensory information through Jared. It's almost always more intimate and immediate for your readers to describe directly what he sensed, and then have him react to it. Your readers will infer he sensed it, and that little step of inference helps to draw them into the story. I marked a few of these instances in the chapter, but there are many more.

Finally, it was clear to me about halfway through what was going on with Jared. For this reason, the pace seemed too slow. I suspected from the first scene, where the nurse didn't acknowledge him. ONe more instance is sufficient to establish the pattern, then you can slam us with what's really happening in the intensive care ward. By the time we finally get to the ward, the tension has mostly dissipated.

In terms of plot and hooks, you've got a fantastic start here. There is a lot of mystery, and a promise of romance. You've introduced several different threads, and I'm guessing each one foreshadows a fundamental plot line. So the structure here is good, the hooks are good, the characters are strong, and you've placed Jared in jeopardy. All the hooks are in place to keep the pages turning. Great work!

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
A persistent buzzing sound nagged at the back of Jared Oaks's mind. It tugged at the edges of his consciousness, teasing him. Jared opened bleary eyes, the dull ache at the back of his skull tempting him to close them again. He looked at his surroundings in utter confusion. He stood in some sort of lobby. That much was certain. How and why remained elusive. My Comment: An absolutely perfect opening paragraph. You've started in the middle of things, named your POV character, oriented the reader in space and time, and you've got a great hook. I wish every author I read on here did this!!

he saw the soft pastels meant to comfort coloring the walls.My Comment: First use of "He saw;" see above...

Whirling around, Jared scanned the area for threats.My Comment: Have you read John Gardner's book on the craft of fiction? He objects to starting a sentence with participles because it separates the actor from the action: you have to read the entire sentence to know who acted since the subject-verb order is inverted. I'm inclined to agree. If you changed this to, "Jared whirled around, scanning the area for threats," I think you've got a sentence that keeps the momentum moving forward. The backwards inference in the leading participle breaks the action and slows the forward motion.

His brows knit together in confusion upon seeing nothing.My Comment: did you mean "knitted together?"

He carded a hand through his shoulder length russet tresses, taking deep breaths. My Comment: I know you're sneaking a description in here, but would he think about his hair color here? He can't SEE his hair, so it seems unlikely. Thus, this is a tiny author intrusion that breaks--ever so slightly--point of view. I'm also not sure we need to know his description with this much specificity. Some authors say the POV character should have the least precise description, so readers can better identify with him or her.

Digging into his pocket, Jared fished out his cellphone. JaredMy Comment: Lots of "Jareds" here. He's the only one, so you can use a pronoun instead of his name.

a picture of him and Mandy, taken during their summer camping trip. My Comment: If you really feel compelled to mention his hair color, this would be the place to do it.

Jared heard a distinct and unwelcome beep.My Comment: "Jared heard..." se above

Searing hot pain assaulted Jared's senses.My Comment: "Senses" here felt a little nonspecific. Did it boil over his skin, burn his eyes,roar in his ears? Maybe all of these things? The rest of this paragraph is great...it's just the lead.

Jared gasped as the panMy Comment: typo: pain

It had happened shortly after he had graduated from UCLA. My Comment: I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that this launches a paragraph of narrated background. You've done it smoothly, so it flows with the memory/vision. But it's still narrated background.

He raked his hand through his chestnut hair, My Comment: I'd dropt chestnut...

Rubbing his hand over the soft material, Jared relished its softnessMy Comment: "soft," "softness" repeat.

Most rooms were vacant, the few occupied had resting patients.My Comment: comma splice

Jared really needed a direction to take.My Comment: This feels like an author intrusion.

Jared looked at the small mementos tucked between the small votives. My Comment: "small" repeats; it's also one of those non-specific adjectives that don't add much to descriptions.

Jared felt a cold draft bite through him, causing him to shiver.My Comment: I mostly stopped marking the "Jared sensed X" text, but this one's such a good example. Why not have the cold bite though him, and he shivers?

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

298

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3577720

Review of Of Children and Other Natural Disasters

Review by

In affiliation with PRIME A Workshop for Authors

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1774416 Unavailable **

Hi, this is Max. Thank you for asking me read this. I enjoyed it and decided I could learn from studying it. I wanted to share my thoughts with you about this item.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Of Children and Other Natural Disasters"

Author elizjohn

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________

Plot
So this is a little different from my usual fare. We have a fable here, and the style channels the stories I remember reading in Bullfinch about the Greek gods. Indeed, there are echoes of Chronos and Rhea, but the mythology doesn't seem to quite line up. What you've created is an original myth to provide a god-like explanation of natural disasters, exactly as the Greeks tried to do.

Anyway, we have two gods who are much in love. Eventually, she becomes bored and persuades her husband they should have children. As the young are wont to do, they disobey and find a passage to earth. Alas, this breaks the bond between them. One descends beneath the earth, and his efforts to return to heaven create earthquakes. One whirls frantically, creating tornados. The final one descends beneath the oceans, and his attempts to return to parental bliss creates hurricanes.

As with the Greek myths, this provides a "just-so" explanation of natural events.
.
________________

Point of view and style
This channels Bullfinch, so the style is very 19th century. We have an omniscient narrator and no fixed point of view. You've done a good job with this, even though this narrative style has essentially disappeared from modern fiction.

________________

Referencing
The mythos seems internally consistent. I enjoyed the bits of down-to-earth and modern dialog that added wit and charm.

________________

Scene/Setting
Well, this was a little sparse. I suppose it's not essential in this kind of tale, but even Homer had the "rosy fingers of dawn" and "the wine-dark sea."

________________

Characters
The parents and the children...as always, insanity is hereditary: you get it from your kids. Seems to be true even for the gods.

________________

Grammar
Be careful of repeated words...I noted a couple of instances in the line-by-line comments below. Otherwise, this seemed free of grammatical errors.

________________

Just my personal opinion
I enjoyed this story since it took me back to a treasured text, with some clever, wry humor added in. It's certainly out of the mainstream as a piece of modern fiction, but then that's the purpose, I'm sure.

Now, I could make comments about stabilizing the point of view on a single character in each scene, or avoiding narrated background. Except that Bullfinch--like many 19th century authors--does this all the time. Thus, since I think you're deliberately imitating this style, these comments would be beside the point. As an exercise in modern myth-building, channeling the style of a classical text, I think this succeeds admirably.

Thanks for sharing! I enjoyed reading it.

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
“I don’t know,” she said sadly, and her voice weighed heavily with sadness.My Comment: "My Comment: sadly" and "sadness" appear in this sentence. Repeating words and phrases like this runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. Also, "said sadly" is one of those weak verb/adverb combinations that I mentioned above. Perhaps she "moans" or "groans" or "whines," for a more precise aural image.

When she gave birth, it was a mystical and wondrous occasion,My Comment: Beware of sentences where the main verb is a form of "to be." Here, "was" carries the action of the sentence. If you said, for example, "wonder and awe filled her heart," you've got a more active verb.

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

299

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3575100

Review of A Good Deed

Review by

In affiliation with PRIME A Workshop for Authors

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1774416 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. You were kind enough to review a story of mine, so I thought I'd return the favor. I found this one, enjoyed reading it and decided I could learn from studying it. I wanted to share my thoughts with you about this item.
________________
Item Reviewed: "A Good Deed"

Author Jeff

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________

Plot
We meet Stella, a survivor in a post-apocalyptic world dominated by zombies. She's scavenging for food and happens across a dirty, mute little boy. She offers him half of her lunch--a granola bar she's been saving--and debates whether or not to take him back to her group; after all, he'd just be another mouth to feed. When a zombie appears, though, she instinctively acts to save the lad, and they flee, with him on the handlebars of her bike. As they pass through the suburbs, he stops her at a house, where she learns that good things happen to those who do good deeds.

________________

Point of view and style
Mostly we are in Stella's point of view, but there are a couple of wobbles to an omniscient narrator. I understand the need to provide background in a story of this type, but the "zombie" universe has become a pretty well-understood mythos. If you could find a way to tweak these--it wouldn't take much--to put them in Stella's point of view, I think it would have more punch.

________________

Referencing
see above: the zombies dominate.

________________

Scene/Setting
This was excellent throughout. The staging was always perfectly clear, and the scenes added to the mood, theme and characterization. Here and there, they felt a little tacked on; perhaps having Stella react to something, like the sunlight and fresh air, for example, would help to reinforce point of view and put the scene in her head.

________________

Characters
Stella and the little boy. The dialogue--especially where Stella speaks and the little boy is mute, with only non-verbals--is great! Oh, there's the zombies.

________________

Grammar
The grammar is perfect. My only nit is that I noticed several places where words or phrases repeated. These are hard to find--I really struggle with this. I've marked a couple of them in the line-by-line comments below.

________________

Just my personal opinion
I liked this story quite a lot. The whole zombies-take-over-the-planet meme resonates culturally--so much, there are even commercials that make clever use of it. What you've done here is use it to provide a backdrop for a story with a positive theme. In addition, you've drawn characters who survive in this grim world but still retain the most basic things that make us human. What sets this story apart, I think, is they way that you affirm those humane values with the little twist at the end.

Thanks for sharing! I enjoyed this very much a lot. (See below on the use of "very.")

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
It was a beautiful day in the city. Stella rode her bike through the empty city streets, enjoying the fresh air and sunlight. It was almost enough to make her forget about the ongoing zombie apocalypse. Almost.My Comment: Openings are critical to short stories. They are your first--and best--opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world. Some agents and editors will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

The good points of this opening are that you start in media res, you orient the reader in space and time, and you name your point-of-view character. The reference to zombies is, of course, an outstanding hook.

Still, I think this could be tweaked. For example, the first sentence tells the reader it was a beautiful day instead of showing it. The second sentence tells the reader Stella's enjoying the day. This comes across as a distant narrator, standing to one side, describing things. I wonder if it might be stronger if you showed, through her actions, that she was enjoying the day? The "fresh air and sunlight" in the second sentence go a long way toward establishing the fact that it's a beautiful day, but I wonder if a touch more description might help establish that?

Watching Stella ride her bike, one would be hard-pressed to tell that the human race was on the brink of collapse. My Comment: There's that distant narrator again...

because she knew how to survive.My Comment: The word "survive" or "survival" appears five times in this paragraph. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, so it's generally better to have more varied word choice. This paragraph also has the feel of narrated background.

At that point, he decided she was all right My Comment: This hops into his head...if you said, "he must have decided..." then you stay in Stella's head, since you're reporting what she infers.

The door lurched and shuddered under the force of the assault and Stella turned to the boy.My Comment: Many repetitions of the word "door" in this and the prior paragraph.

He had just provided them with a secure and bountiful supply of food that would last them a very, very long time.My Comment: Mark Twain once said, "Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be."

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

300

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3571756

Review of One Step Forward, Too Many to Count Back

Review by

In affiliation with PRIME A Workshop for Authors

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1774416 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. I thought after my semi-delirious review of Chapter One, you deserved a more serious review of chapter 2. In any case, thank you for posting this. I enjoyed reading it and decided I could learn from studying it. I wanted to share my thoughts with you about this item.

________________
Item Reviewed: "One Step Forward, Too Many to Count Back"

Author aralls
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________

Plot
The date continues, with Ken showing himself (so to speak) to be even more hopeless.

________________

Point of view and style
First person...in...hmmm....Did you NAME your narrator? I don't find a name in this chapter, and I don't recall one from chapter one. I admit I might have missed it, I was laughing so hard. Still, it's a good idea to tell the reader your narrator's name as soon as you can; it helps the reader form a bond with the point-of-view character.

________________

Referencing
Modern day, from the reference to internet dating. All consistent.

________________

Scene/Setting
This was sufficient for staging...but I could have used a touch more. On the other hand, I almost always feel like I could use more, so take this for what it's worth. On the other hand, what your narrator notices--and Ken does NOT notice--can help reveal character. It can also help readers construct their own mental image of the scene.

________________

Characters
I love this narrator. She's clever, has a marvelous sense of humor, is smart without being mean or demeaning, even in the face of the boorish Ken. The narrative flows wonderfully, and the readers feel they get to know her--and Ken--in a holistic way, just like we do in real life. The characters pop off the page and are the great strength of this chapter. Well, the characters and laugh-out-loud humor.

________________

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________

Just my personal opinion
I've made a few minor suggestions in the line-by-line section below, but these are all tweaks. This is really fine writing, full of vivid characters and snappy dialogue. I wish I could write with such humor! Thanks for sharing.

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
“Hey, you wanna just hold on to the money in case you wanna Slurpee or cotton candy later?” My voice was dripping with sarcasm as I pushed the money into Ken’s hand.My Comment: I tend to put the dialogue tag after the speech, too, but sometimes it's better to lead with it, so the reader is sure who is speaking. Here, I thought for an instant the freeloader Ken was telling her to hold on to the money.

“Oh, I wasn’t thinking anything.”My Comment: This whole exchange is hilarious!

“No, Ken, I meant . . . Never mind. “My Comment: I love the repartee, but starting about here I think we could use some nonverbal cues. Maybe she resists rolling her eyes or something. And Ken needs to have goof-ball expression on his face.

I responded as I smoothly slithered out of the cocoon of his embrace.My Comment: I have this aversion to adverbs. This one looks like clutter to me. After all, is it possible to roughly slither?

As we walked through the mass of mothers with strollers and kids pulling little red wagons with even more kids in them, Ken talked. And he talked, and he talked. My Comment: I'd add a bit more here, putting some inane words in Ken's mouth. I'd also set the scene a little more, with a specific description of a stroller, a child, another zoo visitor, an exhibit with a missing animal, stinky elephant feces, something, anything to help bring the zoo to life. The narration is less intimate and immediate for the readers. I wouldn't do a lot of this kind of thing. Just a touch, to bring it to life, and then say something like, "We went on llke this for months...or was it two minutes..." You can make up something funnier than I can.

I was distracted; not by the people around us, I’m used to tuning out hellions.My Comment: the second clause is a comma splice

His grin reminded me of the way a weasel looks as it sucks down the last egg in a nest.My Comment: So now I've got my critic hat on, and I have to ask if she's ever seen a weasel do this. Other than Ken, of course. Maybe "the way a weasel must look...?"

“You do realize you are wearing shortsMy Comment: this made me to back and check. Sure enough, he was wearing pants earlier. Did you mean "NO shorts" here?

“Ken, I’m just going to state the obvious. You're going to sweat, a lot. Hence, making your woo-ha and friends sweaty and sticky. Not that I would know, but I can’t imagine that would be comfortable.”My Comment: So...this is clever, and sets up the ending, but somehow it doesn't feel quite right for the character. She'd be more clever, I think, and say something that Ken is too stupid to understand.

As I’m trying to process what he just implied, God granted me a gift. I caught my toe on a crack in the sidewalk. My Comment: You've mixed tenses here. Most of this is written in the fictional past. But the first sentence is the fictional present, and then you shifted to the fictional past in the 2nd.

Stumbling forward, Ken reached to catch me.My Comment: This is a stylistic quibble, but it's one with reasoning behind it. The leading participle phrase is a weak construction in English. This construction separates the actor from the action. In this case, the actor is implied from the prior sentence. That's better than a reflexive actor who appears in the main clause after the verb, but it still segregates the subject and verb into two separate sentences. I'd consider "I stumbled. When Ken reached out grab me, I jerked away from his repulsive touch, landing..." The final participle phrase leaves the "subject/verb" in the proper order and doesn't separate them into separate sentences, so the earlier objections don't apply.

This stylistic idea isn't original with me. It's from John Gardner's book on writing--something I'd commend to any author who hasn't read it.

Holding my already swelling ankleMy Comment: another leading participle phrase... ,

this idiot I met on the internetMy Comment: I think it's ..."idiot WHO I met on the internet..."

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