Hey Stowe,
I found this on the random review page, and when I saw it's your 1st Anniversary, I thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion!
First, I am not a hater (saw that in your profile), and if you are ignoring people who do not praise your work, then you are not looking to improve your writing, are you....
Your story is very interesting, but confusing. It starts out quickly, making the reader work to grasp an understanding of what's going on. You introduce us to Corbin, Dual, Grandma Syngey, and Orr in a space of a few pages of story line. That is a lot to take in quickly and understand. I like your story, but it does need quite a bit of editing. If you want to improve it so it will receive higher ratings and reviews, or be considered for publishing, then it needs to be reviewed by a professional editor. I am willing to bet that English isn't your native tongue, based on some of the wordings used in the story. If that's the case, then you deserve a major pat on the back for writing in English so well. It's the only language I know, and I have trouble with it at times.
Below, I've noted a few things you may want to look at should you decide to edit this. Overall, the story line is very good, but the flow is off. You switch between past and present tense on occasion, as well as point of view. These two items are major flaws in a story if you are considering publication. I have to admit that I couldn't finish the story. While I like the storyline, the writing, plot, and flow is so jumbled that I lost interest.
1. One Donticonti per ship per hour, a steady flow off planet to get the chance to become something more that owned. Should 'that' be 'than'?
2. A male human appears from above Corbin's station and dropped into the small space next to her. So far, event have occurred in past tense. This present tense. Be careful shifting tenses in the middle of a story.
3. The male smirked as Corbin. It seems that 'as' should be at.
4. "You really buy that don't you?" Dual asked surprised by my reluctance. This shifts the story from third person to first person. You need to remain consistent in your POV in relating the story.
5. The sample wasn't entered into a computer or a core anything it filled his doughnut." I'm not sure what you mean with this sentence. Further reading of the story explained this to me, but as written here, it's confusing.
6. Unless I'm mistaken and you race likes cold storage?" You should be your.
Like I said, I like the story, the plot, but this needs quite a bit of editing to allow it to receive much better ratings.
Sum1
WDC POWER RAIDER
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