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INTRO/PACING/IMAGERY-- I liked the introduction to this story. It was well paced and intelligently written. I could feel myself in the jungle with the protaganist and his sidekick as they ascended the pyramid.
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION-- I found only one error: "He nurtured them – teached the people how to count the years. --- Should be taught
DIALOG-- The dialog between Justin and the Doctor as well as the Doctor and the computer were honest nad did not feel forced. They were well sturctured.
SUSPENSE/DRAMA/CLIMAX/TWIST-- I liked the twist in the story with the aliens. Very "Stargate" in design. It has long been theorized that we, humans, have been seeded by another race; whether it be from a comet or other devices.
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- Fixing the grammatical error shuld tidy this one up. well done and a great read. Thanks!
INTRO/PACING/IMAGERY -- First let me say that I can relate to the level of love you have felt for this man and I am sorry that life went in such a way that you had to let him go. I am currently in that posiiton with my fiancee and after a faild marriage of 12 years I now know what I need and want and I love her more than anything. Second, I wanted to let you know my thoughts on this piece.
I felt like this was paced well and, as This type of work is timeless, I think that most people can relate to your story on a variety of levels.
This brought up many memories for me both good and bad, so for that, I thank you.
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION -- There were two misspellings that I found, but they are not major.
1) Third Paragraph - "…even looking back on more than a decade ago, it gets hard to breath and my chest feels shallow." This should be spelled breathe.
2) Last Paragraph - "...no matter how many years past between listenings…that’s the imprint he has left in my life." Consider chaging it to "no matter how many years have past between listenings…that’s the imprint he has left in my life. " OR "no matter how many years pass between listenings…that’s the imprint he has left in my life."
DIALOG -- No dialog as this is more of a narative of the heart.
SUSPENSE/DRAMA/CLIMAX/TWIST -- This does not apply.
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS -- My only suggestions are to change the spelling / grammar issues noted above. I did like this and whole-heartedly encourage you to WRITE ON!
INTRO/PACING/IMAGERY -- I found this poem beautiful and meaningful. I have to say that I do not normally read poems nor review them but as I was perusing the Rising Star Halls for this months reviews I saw that and had to comment. Beautifully written, this poem spoke to me about frustration and the plight of wanting to be freed from a life of either solitude or being bound in a position of unwaivering desperation to flee.
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION -- I found no errors in either spelling or grammar.
DIALOG -- Being a poem, there was no actual dialog but I felt the prose speak volumes of your thoghts and feelings.
SUSPENSE/DRAMA/CLIMAX/TWIST -- The growing sense of foreboding about being trapped in a situation that you desperately wished would let you free was uncanny and I greatly appreciated the way you wrote it so that it rose and fell to an acceptance of it all.
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS -- Since I am not a poet I can't really offer any suggestions about this. If I were one, I would think that this was very well writen and the meter of the poem flowed tremendously well. Well done!!
Thank you for entering The Sci-fi Short Story Contest!!!
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You are receiving this review because you entered the "Invalid Item" with your piece "The Garden" .
Please note that these are just my opinions of your writing and of this piece. I offer you these suggestions or opinions in an effort to encourage and help you develop your craft. Please take away from this only that which you feel is relevant to you and discard the rest. I am not an English Professor; I just enjoy reading and reviewing.
INTRO / PACING / IMAGERY-- This story flowed very well and caught my attention from the onset. I liked how you gave a breif back story in italics first. I could see the planet, Nova-Eight; with it's lush green landscape.
GRAMMAR / PUNCTUATION-- I found no gramtical or spelling errors.
DIALOG-- I thought that the dialog flowed very well and was not forced. I like the way Adam and Eve talked to each other, it was very realistic.
SCI-FI & THEME FACTOR-- This definitely fit into the Sci-Fi Genre and the Terraforming Theme. Well Done!
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- I very much liked this story and cannot offer any opinions on making it better.
INTRO/PACING/IMAGERY -- While this was short I did enjoy it and felt that it flowed well. See my comments / suggestions section below. I liked the reversal of this "Oz" story very much.
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION -- I think that the spacing is incorrect... Triple line spacing is not used. This is just my opinion and I may be wrong.
DIALOG -- Internal Dialog but well done.
SUSPENSE/DRAMA/CLIMAX/TWIST -- Of course the twist came at the end regarding the Wicked Witch coming out of Oz back to Kansas. I liked it very much and thought you did a very good job.
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS -- Fix the spacing and this will be much more readable.
INTRO/PACING/IMAGERY-- This story started off very well, I especially liked ...as quiet as a soft-shoed mime. This really brought the creepiness into focus for me and the awesome pacing and imagery did the rest. Very well done.
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION-- No Errors Found. :)
DIALOG-- The dialog was said to self, but it lent itself to to the character, Mortie's, thirst for more power (years to live).
HORROR FACTOR-- The child corpse, the creation of a serial killer, the child as a gift... Wonderful and creepy! Great job!!
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- Don't change a thing! This stands on it's own merit the way it is, especially being so short.
5.0 for Creepiness, Horror Factor and Creativity
Keep Writing! Make Reviewing a daily creative writing exercise!
Notes: I found this story very entertaining and a good read. There were grammatical and technical errors, if you want to know what they are, please email me. Please keep writing and improving your craft as you have wonderful talent.
I am pleased to reward you on behalf of the The Vigilante Angel, for your contribution to WDC.
INTRO/PACING/IMAGERY-- Wonderfully paced, and for such a short story! I especially liked the Imagery used in allowing us to see the growing strife within the protagonist. This pulled me in right away, it was this hook: They were fascinated by him, by his mind, especially.
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION-- No Errors Found :)
DIALOG-- No Dialog to speak of, more of a narrative.
SUSPENSE/SCIENCE/CLIMAX/TWIST-- Robots and machines are a staple of Sci-fi and have been for a long time. A machine who's inner turmoil and dislike for the way things are drive him to change and adapt; very nicely written.
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- This was a pleasure to read and explore, thank you. My only wish was that it was longer; I wanted to have an adventure with this character and watch him fail along the way but succeed in the end. :D My only suggestion is to keep writing.
4.5 for Imagery, Creativity and Concept.
Keep Writing! Make Reviewing a daily creative writing exercise!
Please note that these are just my opinions of your writing and of this piece. I offer you these suggestions or opinions in an effort to encourage and help you develop your craft. Please take away from this only that which you feel is relevant to you and discard the rest. I am not an English Professor; I just enjoy reading and reviewing.
INTRO / PACING / IMAGERY-- This story drew me in from the beginning. The imagery of the cemetery and of Amos were very descriptive. I really liked the way you described the tombstones as "quiet stone sentinels." This story flowed very well, I can't find anything negative to say :)
GRAMMAR / PUNCTUATION-- I found no errors. Either you're a natural or very good at editing. :D
DIALOG-- The dialog between Amos and Satan/Hades/Death (whatever you want to call it :p) was intriguing and fascinating. It felt very natural and was paced very well. Nothing seemed forced or contrived.
"HORROR FACTOR"-- Of course, the "Horror Factor" here was the tension that built up to Amos not only failing in his quest to find the right grave, but also in not receiving more time for his life. The ending was excellent! I was hoping he would have to pay the ultimate price for his betrayal of his mother. :}>
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- No suggestions for this piece. My only comment would be to keep writing, you have a real and tangible talent! Well done!
INTRO/PACING/IMAGERY-- The first chapter "Little Yellow Envelope" starts the story off with a question: "What was Simon up to?" As far as Imagery goes, there wasn't a whole of room for it as the first chapter was pretty short. The pacing of the first chapter was done well, there was a lot of information delivered and I would hope that you would reiterate the important parts in subsequent chapters.
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION-- No major issues. I would recommend looking at the second paragraph and consider putting a comma after By God: By God, how far from the truth my assumptions were.
DIALOG and TAGS-- No dialog. This was more of a narrative.
HORROR FACTOR-- None yet. You had mentioned this was a horror story set in the future, but I didn't see any horror elements to it yet. Again, this was only the first chapter.
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- Other than the minor grammatical error, I would think about making this longer. Expound on the Coalition and the IDSC and, of course, on Simon.
4.0 for Originality, Creativity and Expression
Keep Writing! Make Reviewing a daily creative writing exercise!
INTRO/PACING/IMAGERY-- As always I am amazed by your expert grasp on Imagery. You have a gift for description and it clearly shows through in this first installment of Blood Harmony. The intro was smartly written and concise. I love that you started it with a dream, it really lent to the air of mystery surrounding Cyan. So far, great pace! I can't wait to read more!!!
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION-- Only on error found on the first read. The first sentence of the second to last paragraph you write: ...so long ago, she'd been so afraid so unsure, she'd felt defeated. I believe that there should be a comma after so afraid and possibly a semi-colon after so unsure. Everything else looks spot on. :) This error, in no way, detracted from the story and will not affect the rating.
DIALOG and TAGS-- Dialog was minimal, but perfect. Nothing seemed forced and it was well placed and paced. I think that a lot of times, less is more; especially when there is so much mystery being presented. I could feel the tension between Elana and Cyan as they spoke.
HORROR FACTOR-- I really like the sense of foreboding you convey when talking about Cyan and Elana's feelings for him. With descriptive words like "alabaster" and the cunning use of descriptives like "...his eyes were like a winter storm...", I felt chills, as if I was seeing something that was taboo or was supposed to be hidden. Great Job!
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- No suggestions. I love this start to what could be an epic tale of love and loss. I am such a fan of your writing style and brilliant use of imagery! Amazing!
5.0 for Imagery, creativity and more style than should be legal. :)
Keep Writing! Make Reviewing a daily creative writing exercise!
Please note that these are just my opinions of your writing and of this piece. I offer you these suggestions or opinions in an effort to encourage and help you develop your craft. Please take away from this only that which you feel is relevant to you and discard the rest. I am not an English Professor; I just enjoy reading and reviewing.
INTRO / PACING / IMAGERY-- The intro brought the reader right into the action. The story was paced well and the use of imagery, regarding the singularity, was good.
GRAMMAR / PUNCTUATION-- This is where I had some issues. You seemed to change tense in the middle of sentences. This is confusing to the reader. I found several spelling errors; black hole became black whole later in the story. You may want to consider spelling out numbers, We don't have a lot of time at 2/3 light speed could become We don't have a lot of time at two-thirds light speed for example. I felt that the technical errors detracted from the overall read.
DIALOG-- The dialog was well written. I thought is made sense and was believable. I liked your choices of descriptives like "...he barked orders."
SUSPENSE / SCIENCE / CLIMAX / TWIST-- Knowing that this is fiction, I go in with an open mind. The science aspect of this was okay. Your explanation of what a black hole is was mostly correct, the spirit was there for sure.
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- First let me say that I liked the spirit of the story. I liked the tale that it told. Having said that, I would go back through this several times and clean it up. The spelling errors and tense changes made the story difficult to read. Once you do that, let me know and I can re-read it and email you a review if you like.
Please note that these are just my opinions of your writing and of this piece. I offer you these suggestions or opinions in an effort to encourage and help you develop your craft. Please take away from this only that which you feel is relevant to you and discard the rest. I am not an English Professor; I just enjoy reading and reviewing.
INTRO / PACING / IMAGERY-- Great way to bring the reader in, through the start of chaos. This story was paced well and made sense. Through your use of imagery, I felt like i was in the corridors, chasing Lt. Walsh with the Commander. Well done.
GRAMMAR / PUNCTUATION-- I found no spelling errors, but did find a technical error. about two-thirds of the way down, you write: Commander knew he was being inappropriate but... That sentence should start with The. It very minor and did not detract from the story.
DIALOG-- The dialog was good, very believable. You wrote it in such a way that the reader felt the sorrow, felt the anger. The pace of the dialog made sense.
SUSPENSE / SCIENCE / CLIMAX / TWIST--In this story, the science was used very well. Theoretically, when someone or something passes over the Event Horizon, observers will see that last image, stuck in time. Eventually it will fade, but it exists due to the nature of space-time. The climax for this story would be the chase to the hanger which was written well and worked with the whole to create a blend of realism.
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- My only suggestion would be to include the reason for the shuttle to be out near a black hole. I found myself wondering why they would send someone out, so close to a singularity in such an inappropriate vessel.
Please note that these are just my opinions of your writing and of this piece. I offer you these suggestions or opinions in an effort to encourage and help you develop your craft. Please take away from this only that which you feel is relevant to you and discard the rest. I am not an English Professor; I just enjoy reading and reviewing.
INTRO / PACING / IMAGERY-- Let me start by saying that I liked how you slowly peeled back the layers of the situation, nicely written. The pacing worked as well. You exposition of the darkness was thoughtful and descriptive.
GRAMMAR / PUNCTUATION-- I didn't see any errors. :)
DIALOG-- This was more of an inner-dialog story, fear and confusion driven. Without saying much, we all knew what was happening with crew. The taffy references were great, bringing us back to earth just long enough to make going back seem fearful.
SUSPENSE / SCIENCE / CLIMAX / TWIST-- I like the reference to the wormhole theory. The climax was intense, i felt the confusion and was blinded by the light.
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- No suggestions other than please keep writing. This was a wonderful piece.
4.5 for creativity, exposition and using a good amount of science.
Thank you for entering the Singularity Experiment Contest!!!
You are receiving this review because you entered the "Invalid Item" with your piece "bleck hole" .
Please note that these are just my opinions of your writing and of this piece. I offer you these suggestions or opinions in an effort to encourage and help you develop your craft. Please take away from this only that which you feel is relevant to you and discard the rest. I am not an English Professor; I just enjoy reading and reviewing.
INTRO / PACING / IMAGERY--I liked the pacing,it seemed to flow well. I thought that the imagery was a little confusing, eight people in a ship the size of a "little" helicopter and the captain can still move around? I had a hard time imagining that. I think that the reader should be able to envision parts of the story with ease.
GRAMMAR / PUNCTUATION-- I found many grammatical and spelling errors. I won't list them here, but if you proofread this you should find most of them.
DIALOG-- I liked the dialog. I thought that it was believable most of the time. One thing I did notice is that you put responses from a different person on the same line as the questioning character. Maybe try putting each character's conversation on different lines to help the reader distinguish who's talking.
SUSPENSE / SCIENCE / CLIMAX / TWIST--The science in this was interesting, but it's okay because this is fiction. In my opinion the climax was really at the end but then it ended. What happened to the crew when they turned off the engines? Did they escape or get destroyed?
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- I liked the concept of this story - A newly created ship, with the designed ability to enter a black hole, enters a singularity to help mankind better understand it's universe. The spelling errors did detract from the overall read, I am sorry to day. I offer this suggestion: Go back and re-read this story with scrutinizing eyes. Once you have done that and fixed the technical errors, please let me know and I will re-review it with pleasure. You show great hope in the writing department, keep it up!
INTRO/PACING/IMAGERY-- I liked this story very much. I felt the anticipation of the Captain and his crew as they discovered the strange object and the fear once they realized it was hostile. The pace was nice, nothing seemed to forced or contrived. I liked the brief back story in italics at the beginning.
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION-- A few grammatical errors but nothing that would detract from the story. I recommend just rereading this real quick and you should find the errors, I won't point them out as they are obvious and extremely easy to correct.
DIALOG-- The dialog was believable. I liked how you made sure every character had a unique personality. Well done.
SUSPENSE/SCIENCE/CLIMAX/TWIST-- The twist, of course, was the benign object turning hostile. This was done very well. Good use of scientific terminology, a must for any sci-fi writer.
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- My only suggestions would be these: Reread the piece and fix any minor errors, then look at the ending; It was very quick. I was hoping for more. I assume that you planned it this way, which is okay. These are just my opinions. Take anything you find useful out of this and throw the rest in the sanitation disposal unit.
4.5 for Originality, Creativity and use of Scientific Terminology
Keep Writing! Make Reviewing a daily creative writing exercise!
INTRO/PACING/IMAGERY-- This piece moved me greatly. I can relate to the loss having lost my Best Friend / Brother to a murderer. You cleverly described your pain and sorrow in a way that would bring tears to any who read it. The Imagery was subtle but effective; more of the feelings that were experienced. Well paced and well written.
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION-- Okay, so I am a stickler on this and the only thing I found was that there needs to be a line break between the third and fourth paragraph; nothing major and it does not take away from the storytelling.
DIALOGUE-- No normal dialog in this piece; more of an inner-dialog, inner-turmoil kind of thing. It worked well and left me feeling sad for the character whom I can only hope was not really you.
SUSPENSE/DRAMA/CLIMAX/TWIST-- N/A - This seemed more of a narrative of the emotional path from discovery to closure, or at least what people consider closure; the funeral.
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- Other than that silly line break, this is an amazing piece. I commend you, sir, on your word-smithing and your ability to describe anguish so well. Excellent Job!
4.5 for creativity, exposition and cleverness of emotional description.
Keep Writing! Make Reviewing a daily creative writing exercise!
INTRO/PACING/IMAGERY-- Great exposition leading up to the opening of the door. We have all been there, whether it be the door, the phone or the neighbor's dog. Smart use of words in describing his journey from small town to big city then back to the "familiarity cradling his soul like a warm sweater on an overcast day."
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION-- No errors. :)
DIALOG-- I'm not sure what an airy Florida cracker drawl is, never having been to Florida; but we have a drawl in TX (I don't I'm from California where we speak perfectly.:p) and I imagined that. The Dialog was very believable and realistic.
SUSPENSE/DRAMA/CLIMAX/TWIST-- I'm not sure I would have even opened the door, but I'm glad Peter did! You led us down a suspenseful road without telling us much; sometimes it's better to let the readers imagination work on your behalf. It worked!
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- No suggestions except for the fact that you led me to speculate on the next line. Something like -- ...and that's when I noticed the rather large knife jutting out of his waistband. Well done! We can all learn a thing or two from your writing sir.
5.0 for deliberate characters and masterful building of suspense.
Keep Writing! Make Reviewing a daily creative writing exercise!
As a stay at home Dad I feel your dilemma. I teach my son Akido after school most days, help with homework and yard work. The rest of my time is spent writing, usually.
I liked your story, which was more of a narrative of life as a Stay-at-home Mom. Your flow was excellent as was your descriptive use of words to describe the daily chores and activities.
The only errors I found were that mom's didn't need an apostrophe as none of them were possessive.
I am pleased to reward you on behalf of the The Vigilante Angel, for your contribution to WDC.
PACING/IMAGERY-- I like the imagery of the piece; the being stuck or caught. It lends to the validity of the circumstance that the work is about. The pace was steady and well thought out.
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION-- No Errors
DIALOGUE-- N/A
METER & PROSE-- This flowed very well, I thought. I liked that it was short and to the point. Rhyming was present and made sense, nothing seemed forced.
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- None. Great work!
4.5 for creativity and skill
Keep Writing! Make Reviewing a daily creative writing exercise!
INTRO/PACING/IMAGERY-- Awesome imagery here EH. Without really saying it you made the reader start wondering if the hosts were human when you first brought them up. It was not a predictable conclusion but more of an intelligent rouse.
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION-- No errors found. :)
DIALOG-- The dialog was precise, believable and well thought out. I especially liked how they "willed" the information to be passed on to the expedition.
SUSPENSE/DRAMA/CLIMAX/TWIST-- Of course, the twist was that the hosts were human, which you expertly allowed the reader to discover. To triumph only to unknowingly have to do it all over again creating a never-ending cycle.
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- Smartly written, expertly executed and with just enough potential hard science, or at least theory to make this a believable tale of two species conjoining and evolving.
My only concern, having degrees in both astrophysics and astronomy is that if someone does the research, the fifth planet, which is Jupiter, would not be hospitable to humans in corporeal form. It is theorized that it may have a rocky core made up of nickel and iron, but has no surface. Instead it is considered a gas giant (like Saturn, Uranus and Neptune). So, unless the lived in hovering cities in the gaseous atmosphere (which wouldn't work either because of the speed at which what could be considered its surface blows, not to mention that the orbital period is short, for its size. It spins so fast it is considered an oblate spheroid, or bulges at it's equator ) I don't think it would be viable. I only bring this up because you seemed to have put a lot of thought and maybe research into the piece and I didn't want it to have any disparity in it's believability.
5.0 for creativity, believability and expert use of scientific terminology and theory.
Keep Writing! Make Reviewing a daily creative writing exercise!
INTRO/PACING/IMAGERY-- Nice imagery; I felt the fear of being in the dark, wondering what was lurking possibly right next to me.
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION-- I think that through out should be throughout (one word).
DIALOGUE- N/A
SUSPENSE/DRAMA/CLIMAX/TWIST-- This was suspenseful, mainly due to the imagery (and who hasn't had a nightmare they desperately wanted to wake up from; I have)
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- Nice job! Keep writing! One one hand I hope that you don't have any more nightmares, but on the other I hand I hope you do so we can read another story about it.
4.5 for imagery and suspense
Keep Writing! Make Reviewing a daily creative writing exercise!
INTRO/PACING/IMAGERY-- Suspenseful and thrilling, this story had an excellent pace. Good imagery, I felt the icy-cold water on her body as she lay in the tub. Excellent job!
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION-- I only found a couple spots that might garner a look: Why goes back for more- again and again- like some kind of addict. should probably be, Why She goes back for more- again and again- like some kind of addict. Finally take a look at the spacing of the paragraphs towards the bottom; super simple to fix.
DIALOG and TAGS-- Inner turmoil was well described, eluding to some horrible reason for her pain.
HORROR FACTOR-- Very suspenseful! So much pain, something must be wrong! The reader gets intrigued by this and reads on, well done!
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- I liked it, nice pace, believable reactions and creative.
4.5 for originality, suspense and pace.
Keep Writing! Make Reviewing a daily creative writing exercise!
INTRO/PACING/IMAGERY-- I liked this story. I felt her heart racing when Aaron was near and her unwillingness to let go. Great pace, well thought out. Structured well.
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION-- I found one error: One and tow and three and four and five… Two puffs. Should be two not tow
DIALOG and TAGS-- Nice job! The dialog was very believable. The wording was so that I knew what they both felt.
HORROR FACTOR-- To ghost or not to ghost, that is the question. In this case it was carefully explained and retained the integrity it needed for it to be a good Ghost Story, SUCCESS!
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- This is a good piece and I must commend you on a job well done. Only the one typo, no big deal.
4.5 for originality, good pace and great structure.
Keep Writing! Make Reviewing a daily creative writing exercise!
INTRO/PACING/IMAGERY-- Very good pace, nor too slow not did it jump ahead too much without warning. Very funny! The imagery created by not letting the reader here the questions made the room or hall seem vast.
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION-- No Errors Found
DIALOG-- Great point of view! I really liked the originality in writing from the lecturer's perspective.
SUSPENSE/DRAMA/CLIMAX/TWIST-- The last part was hilarious, you used just the right amount of inference so we knew what you were talking about.
COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS-- Overall, AWESOME! Great piece, great pace and very original.
5.0 for originality, creativity and humor.
Keep Writing! Make Reviewing a daily creative writing exercise!
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