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198 Public Reviews Given
199 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I point out what I see or what I don't. I like to give advice using examples in your writing. I like to talk about the writing, I will address something if I like it. If you send a request, let me know what aspect you want looked at, and I'll pay more attention to it.
I'm good at...
Recognizing changes in tenses. Punctuation. Description. Story.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, crime, sci fi, comedy\satire.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance.
Favorite Item Types
Chapters, short stories.
I will not review...
Romance, I can't stand it, sorry. Sports articles and the like. I actually see those a lot on here,and I never want to review one. If it's a funny article I will. :)
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Ah, poor Silas.
I enjoyed this story, and found nothing wrong with it. It feels like a fun adventure story up until the point where Silas is no longer having fun, then the horror is appropriately felt. I liked the twist with the equipment, and the tone of the story. In some ways it feels like a fairy tail, of sorts, with a lesson being, "don't trust strangers", or "enjoy the life you have" or something.
This was a very good story, well done. :)

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#1300305 by Maryann

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27
27
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The story was well written, for the most part. I didn't see any grammar or punctuation errors, though there were a lot of times when the paragraph would stop mid sentence and drop to the next line. That was very distracting. Another thing that took me from the story was some of the flowery description. For instance she "fought like Rocky". I haven't seen Rocky, and while I assume he fights hard, it's better to use a phrase people would understand. Pop culture references are not good descriptions, as they are not accessible to everyone. Also the doctors "speaking a foreign language" was odd, because I was picturing them actually speaking a foreign language u til you got medical.
Sometimes the tenses change, and that makes it hard to follow the passage of time.

There were good things. the characters were well developed, and the sense of depression and despair were heavy throughout the chapter, the atmosphere was well done.

Overall a good story, I'd just suggest simplifying afew descriptions and fixing the tenses.

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#1300305 by Maryann

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28
28
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was a good poem with funny rhymes, very good flow, and a clear meaning. I saw nothing wrong except for some odd placement of capital letters, like here: "He Just went back" but it doesn't at all detract from the piece. And I would have thought ultimate weirdo would be capitalized, but I think that's up to you.
Overall a good poem. Well done.

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#1300305 by Maryann


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29
29
Review of Little Jamey  
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This story was well written, and everything was felt as it should. I saw no punctuation or grammar problems, but there are a things I want to point out.
The(cough) at the beginning seemed unnecessary on its own, but it also never comes into the story again after the first segment. You never write(scream), you write 'she screamed'. So why is there no 'she coughed'? It's just an inconsistency that bothered me somewhat.
Also, the whole thing feels like it's narrated by her, so it's odd when we get glimpses of Jason's mind in the hallway, even hearing his direct thoughts, and seeing him shake his head when she wasn't looking.
The dream sequence was good, and was very well done. The feeling of tragedy is well done throughout, as you hint at what happens to her family early on, and show the meetings of her family.
Overall a good story. :)

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#1300305 by Maryann
30
30
Review of The curse  
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for choosing me to view your piece!
My first piece of advice is to change the formatting. But an indent at the beginning of every paragraph, and skip a line every paragraph. That will make this a lot easier to read. Many times I had to find my place because the lines looked squeezed together, and I wasn't sure if somebody else was talking because there was no indent. That's all I have to say about the formatting, do those things and it will be easier for future viewers.

Now for some suggestions on things. I think the line "...where I could talk to myself without drawing unwanted attention to myself." Should be changed. "To myself" echoed and that's always distracting. I think "...without drawing attention" works just as fine, but that's up to you.
Next is "...as I returned an Ouija.." this is just a guess, so do with it what you will, but I feel like it should be "a Ouija" rather than "an".
Next is "...people thought of my ability was glamorous." I think it should "thought of my ability as glamorous."
Next, she's offered payment twice, and rejects on the first time. I understand that she might have changed her mind, but on the second time it says she "looks at her threadbare boots..." and she realizes she needs the money. She also hints toward other problems. It seems like she would already want her problems fixed, and would accept the money. More, she asks "How much" on the second offering, before she's told it is 5,000 dollars. So it' not like she has that extra incentive, it seems she decides out of the blue to ask the price. You don't show that she has sympathy for the women, so the change of mind is strange.

There was a lot done well with this chapter, however. You set up the story very quickly,you set up believable characters with (somewhat) subtle references to their past. And it's pretty well written for what you called a rough draft.

I'd say this is a good start, and it seems like it will be a good story, well done.

Hope this review helped. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to share them.


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#1300305 by Maryann



31
31
Review of Life  
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This poem had a good flow to it. Not everything was clear, such as the actual meaning of it. I'm not sure if it's about accepting others for who they are, or loving everybody, or minding your own business. It's pretty unclear what you're trying to say.
However the flow of the piece is easy and clear, and never did I stumble. There were no actual misspellings, however there were a lot of contextual misspellings. Here is a list:

1st line: "were" should be "we're"
3rd line: "Theirs" should be "there's", "were" should be "we're" again.
4th line: "there" should be "their".
9th line: "wont" should be "won't"

And those were the contextual typos. At least as far as i could see them, as I said the meaning is unclear, and the 3rd line could be correctly spelled, depending on what you're trying to say.

That's all I have to say about the poem, hope it helped. I'm not a poem reader so my ability to help is severely limited. Take what you believe to be helpful, laugh in my face over what is not. :)

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#1300305 by Maryann
32
32
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I found this (essay?) to be a good, informative read. I have no children of my own but if the time comes, I believe these lessons may help. They told in an easy to understand manner, which is refreshing. Oftentimes (essays?) and the like backtrack or use fancy language to sound smarter or something. You say what needs to be said as simply as possible and move on, allowing for clear understanding. Not once did I need to re-read or think about the sentence.

Actually there was *once*, and I believe it's the only problem with your piece. This line here: "The Christmas tree was an exceptional challenge when he's ogling it with more than twinkling lights reflected in her eyes." It goes from "he" to "her". Is that a mistake, or something else?

This was well written and clear, with tips that make a lot of sense. Well done.

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#1300305 by Maryann
33
33
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I thought the tone of this story was very well done, the descriptions and the settings. Some of the sentences were a little too long-especially in the beginning-feeling like a rambling sentence.
I don't quite understand the point of the story either, and I feel like I've missed some other piece of the story. Other than that, I saw no problems...except for leaving salami sitting on a table over night, that could make you sick!
So if you could let me know, what was this? What was the point?



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#1300305 by Maryann
34
34
Review of Mum's The Word  
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This story was well written, except for the very short sentences near the beginning that made it feel very choppy. I thought the dialogue was very snake-like, and made for some interesting questions.
I am curious about what actually happened in this piece, though that's not a criticism. I wonder if this is based on your own creation or that of somebody else, as it felt very religious, and I kept thinking "snake and Eve." However as far as I know Eve doesn't have a scaly face, so this is an intriguing story.
Well done.


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#1300305 by Maryann
35
35
Review of The Treasure Hunt  
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was a funny story that was well written. I didn't see any problems with spelling or punctuation.
While the ending was funny I can't help but think about how awful Bill is. I can enjoy a story even if the person is bad, and while you don't say it I get the impression that Lydia is Bill's girlfriend or something. If that's the case, how? He seems like a person who nobody could stand, yeah he got her gold but then he told her to get it from the dog. This doesn't seem like the actions of somebody who has a bad mood now and then, but a bad human being.

Either way, the story is funny, I did laugh at the ending and I may be overthinking the entire story. Well done. :)


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#1300305 by Maryann
36
36
Review of The Silver Leaf  
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this story, it was interesting and creative. There were a few issues with the writing. At one point you said "they haven't been happy..." the story is written in past-tense, so "haven't" isn't the correct word; that would be "Hadn't"
There was a line in here that was strange. The leader says "I haven't seen one of these since many years ago" that is an awkward line. I don't usually criticize dialogue as many people speak differently, but that is a strange line.
I also have to wonder about that acid rain. Why did it not burn their houses, but it did burn the magic tree?
But I did like this story. Well done.


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#1300305 by Maryann
37
37
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This was a good story. There were a few punctuation issues, and quite a few run-on sentences, but none of it made it hard to read. Your paragraphs are strange, as well: sometimes you'll add a line-space, other times you won't.
I noticed there were a few puns, whether intentional or not. Such as: (end to winter, I am ready to spring into action.) Was that a purposeful weather pun? And what about this: (You get the picture. Even hanging a portrait...) is that a picture pun?
I didn't have much to say about this chapter but those puns stuck out so I just wanted to know if they were intentional or not.
Thanks for sharing this funny story, it was an enjoyable read.


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#1300305 by Maryann
38
38
Review of Perspectives  
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem had good meaning and was told well. The flow was good, but not all the time. Often each paragraph started out with a good flow, which is lost by the middle but the last two or three lines of the paragraph had perfect rythm. I can't really tell you how to improve that, as I'm no poet, but I just wanted to let you know that. The rhymes were also very well done.


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#1300305 by Maryann
39
39
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This was a good story. While i was never a fan of Jungle Book I always enjoyed Baloo's scenes.
There were a lot of typos in this story, and when a character speaks they are supposed to get a new paragraph; you did not do this.
I like the premise of the story and i think you captured Baloo really well. (I'm guessing he's your favorite.) *BigSmile*

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40
40
Review by Breach
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm here on behalf of the Fanfic Raid of Saturday, April 22, 2017.
Well this was a sad story! Sirius has always been one of my favorites, and the dialogue here was well done, especially at the mention of the dog. *Cry* I like the subtle pointing to the bright star. And I actually think you well imitated Rowling's writing style, though it's been years since I've read it.
My only problems don't so much ruin the story in any way, but I'm pretty sure there shouldn't be a comma before the "..." and it happens every time. Also, there seems to be too many spaces between the sentences, though that may be the font.
Otherwise good, emotional story, well done.

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#1300305 by Maryann
41
41
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm here on behalf of the Fanfic Raid of Saturday April 22, 2017.
I never quite know how to review fan-fiction, so I'll go about it a few ways. This story didn't read like its source material, it felt very modern with it's language and prose. I'm not sure if you were trying to imitate Tolkiens writing style or not, I'm just letting you know it didn't work.
That being said this was still well written, and you do add in a few little nods, like the song, (They sing so much in the book!) and the fact that his other daughters also have flower names. And well done on beginning a new speech paragraph with quotation, I haven't seen anybody do that on this site so far! I do wonder why you wrote "wuv", and why "Mr. Frodo" was in italics. Let me know, will you?


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#1300305 by Maryann
42
42
Review of the girl  
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
This story was hard to read because of the very long paragraphs and tiny words. In chapter 1 a lot of the sentences didn't begin with a capital letter, and there were a few typos and the whole story read like a list of things that happened rather than a story.
Enlarge the letters, shorten the paragraphs and scan for typos and misspellings, capitalize new sentences and this will be a much easier story to read in the future.

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#1300305 by Maryann
43
43
Review of Computer Woes  
Review by Breach
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Rated: E | (3.5)
The urgency was felt in the story, and the panic of something unknown happening to the computer. But the narration is too quick, it feels rushed and repetitive. Especially the first paragraph. It's hard to understand what is happening at first and I wasn't at all drawn in. The first paragraph also feels very exaggerated.
That being said the flow was mostly good after the first paragraph and the tone is set well.

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#1300305 by Maryann
44
44
Review of Tilt  
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This story was a little ambiguous, but used to good effect. I'm interested in what he saw down in the basement, though I don't know why he said he had never lived there. He may have been lying to the man, but I don't know. The temperature was well felt in both climates. The only problem I noticed was the children. You say "a child" then talk about two children. That's the only thing I thought might be fixed.

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#1300305 by Maryann
45
45
Review of Do Not Enter  
Review by Breach
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a good story. First I'll say props to you for italicizing your character's thought. Almost nobody does this on this site. Next, I didn't spot any problems with this story, well done.
I do have questions about this story, like who is Ron and how did he make a room to hold demons? But that's a good thing, you put a lot of mystery and rightful questions in such a short work. Nice job.

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#1300305 by Maryann
46
46
Review by Breach
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I agree, this movie was a disgrace! Why did they make Brom a catch-phrase spouting type of character?
But I can name a worse adaptation. Have you read Lightning Thief? Have you seen the movie?
47
47
Review of Daydreamer  
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
It's a bit hard to tell what happened in this chapter. First I'll say that I'm no expert on poems, so I don't know if your flow was accurate to the type of poem you were making. That being said I didn't catch onto the flow til about the third line.
I don't know who Delta Goodrem is, and it seems to me that the dragon is in a car, while its owner listens to Beiber. I like this idea, it's pretty funny (poor dragon.) but it isn't explained very well.

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#1300305 by Maryann
48
48
Review of Hello good sir.  
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This was a good story, first let's get to the biggest problem: Typos: Write "families" not "family's". "Lives" not "life's" "Wherever" not "were ever", "exist" not "exsist" "in fact" not "infect". There were many more typos throughout but these are the biggest.
Second problem: This story didn't really have a good atmosphere until the end, and the descriptions were very weak. I have no idea how that guy died on the tripwire. You mention a pool full of blood but you don't talk about him falling, and you say you all knew he was dying. ('nother typo. You put "dyeing", it's "dying".)And then you mention arrows later on. I know this is a journal type story, and it's used to good effect later on. However there seems to be bouts of sanity, so it would have been cool if he wondered what the insane ramblings were, if he didn't remember.
A lot is made unclear in this, I didn't know they were searching for missing people and I had no idea how they spent 12 days there. What were they doing in all that time. Speaking of, you didn't mention the rest of the crew dying, yet there removed from the story a few days before the end.
In the last few days the punctuation gets really bad, either being wrong or just all-together absent.
I hope my review helps, this story could be good, and as it is it's pretty interesting. *BigSmile*


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#1300305 by Maryann

49
49
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Well that was interesting! The twist was good, thought I wonder why they have human name. I didn't quite get a good idea of the landscape, so I didn't understand what they were doing and where they were going.
The only grammar related problem I noticed was whenever a character would speak, there would be no punctuation before the "he said" line. Look over it happens every time. Here's an example:“Yeah” said Bullet. “This is going to be awesome. Folks will talk about us for a long time.” the yeah should have a comma, as should every line before the "he said" bits.


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#1300305 by Maryann

50
50
Review of First Flight  
Review by Breach
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a creative story, well made as well. I like the twist at the end, I really thought they were astronauts! :)
The only problem I can think of is the first line, where she thinks "Today is the day" and you say she screams it at herself. That didn't really work because no excitement was felt in the statement, so it was awkward for the word "screaming" to be used.
Other than that this was good, I liked the story and the writing was good, every other emotion intended was felt.



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#1300305 by Maryann
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