Where He Was

I grabbed his hand. His skin had become such a sickening white since the chemo. I felt a tear roll down my cheek. He squeezed my hand and smiled.
"I love you Abbie," he said weakly. I nodded trying not to break out in uncontrollable sobs. I looked up at his heart monitor, his pulse was down in the 30's. It slowed rapidly into the 20's.
"I love you so much, Michael, don't you ever forget that," I pleaded. His eyes began to flicker. I had always known that this day would eventually come, but I could never have imagined it would be here so quickly. With one final squeeze of my hand, his body went limp and the life drained from his eyes. I could feel more tears roll down my face and splatter onto my neck.
"Miss, we must take your husband," the nurse said soothingly behind me. I felt rage pool up behind my eyes. I wasn't his wife. I was his fiance. I let the anger go, it wasn't worth yelling for. I nodded and stepped aside to let her work. I walked out of the room and to the nurse's station where the head nurse directed me to the social worker who sat with my kids while their father died. I hated her sorrowful look as she handed me the youngest of my children, Aliah. She had just been born a month ago. Her cries diminished as I plopped down on the chair and held her. She opened her big beautiful blue eyes and looked at me. She had Michael's eyes. My three year old, Evan came over and wrapped his arms around my legs.
"Mamma, where is daddy?" He asked. I felt tears build up behind my eyes. I picked him up while balancing Aliah on my arm. He now sat on my lap.
"Your daddy, he is in a wonderful place. A place where no one will ever hurt him. Honey, daddy won't come back from that place. Do you understand?" I asked. His eyes filled with tears, he nodded. I stood up and held Evans hand. We began to walk to the lobby. Evan kept his head hung low. I felt terrible that he had lost his father at such a young age. Aliah began to cry and I soothed her with my hand. We walked into the parking lot and got into my car. I put Aliah into the backseat and strapped her into her car seat. Evan on the other hand had learned how to strap himself in by now. I closed the car door behind me and walked around the front of the car and got into the driver's seat. I started the car and pulled away from the hospital.
By the time we had gotten home it was almost midnight. I carried Aliah inside and Evan followed. I tucked Even into bed and kissed him goodnight. I then walked into my room and set sleeping Aliah into her crib near my bed and covered her with a blanket. I liked the blanket, a doctor Greyman from work had given it to her when I had my baby shower for Aliah. Sadly he had been pulled into an emergency surgery before it started.
I slowly got into bed and pulled the covers over my head. I wrapped my arms around my legs and began to cry. I felt the warm tears spill from the brims of my eyelids and drip onto my shirt. I thought about the last time I was with my husband, he was all I had, I have no siblings and my parents died years ago. I felt such hopelessness that I couldn't save him. By the time we had discovered the cancer, it had progressed into his lungs and he only had a few months left.
When I had finally fell asleep, I had been thrown into the world of dreams. I saw Micheal, he didn't seen sick. He was on the other side of this clear film. I wanted so badly to get to him. I fought and I fought but no matter what I did, I couldn't pierce it. I screamed and no one heard me. By this time, he had walked away. Leaving me alone on the verge of oblivion.
"No! No! You can't leave me here! You can't leave me here alone!" I screamed relentlessly. "You can't just walk away from me Michael!" I had awoken in a daze, drenched in my own sweat. Aliah was crying. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and scooped her up.
"Hey, hey now. You're alright sweetheart," I soothed. Aliah began to settle down. I wished my words were true. Aliah didn't have a father, I couldn't work with two kids to look after. I felt more tears swell up into my eyes. I set Aliah down and went back to bed.

Months went by. I didn't fee like I was even living. Just barely surviving. I had found a nanny for Evan and Aliah who was now almost one, and I was back working as a surgeon at the hospital my husband had died in. The dream that I had that first night still haunted me every night. I hadn't slept well in weeks. However, I somehow managed to get up in the morning and go to work. I had tried to find where it was that my husband was being held, but I thought that I was going insane anyway so what did it matter. I somehow knew he was trapped, but I didn't have anyway to get to him. So here I am, unable to breathe like a freaking human being. I can't even live like a normal person. I am not normal, nor am I truly living. It is time for me to end it, but I can't leave my kids without a mother too. I will not do that to them, they deserve more.