I saw this on the Shameless Plug Page, and that you were requesting helpful reviews. I believe I can help.
" “Master Taliesin, when will you teach me the more advanced lessons?” asked Orpheus." - You don't need the "asked Orpheus" on the end, since Master Taliesin states his name in the next sentence. I do like the master's name, though. It's almost like saying "The Lie-Sin", and carries possible foreshadowing.
" “When you are truly ready Orpheus." " - Add a comma before "Orpheus".
"said Taliesin thinking of how his young pupil has mastered in only months what takes most young mages years to learn, “but you still lack the wisdom to appropriately apply the advanced magical knowledge.” " - The beginning of this passage is a little wordy, potentially confusing. "say Taliesin, thinking how Orpheus had mastered in months what most mages took years to learn." Put a period there and begin the next piece of dialogue with a capital "But". It's like beginning a new sentence.
" “That my young pupil is the problem. You have a brazen attitude. You have mastered my lessons yet you have yet to truly comprehend the consequences of the misuse of magic." " - Add commas around "my pupil", since it's being used as substitution for the student's name. The last sentence of this dialogue has two "yet's". Changing the first to a "but", and maybe take out "truly".
"Taliesin smiled looking at his pupil. “ Once you understand that you will be ready.” " - Add a comma after "smiled" and one after "understand that".
"...and begin studying the knowledge held with in the tomes." - Change "begin" to "began" for tense purposes, and change "with in" to "within".
"A few months later when Taliesin took a long over due trip to see an old friend Orpheus made his final move. Left behind to supervise Taliesin’s manor and the few servants that worked there. Using the opportunity Orpheus dismissed the servants for the weekend and paying them as if they had worked for that weekend. He broke into his master’s study one last time pilfering several magical tomes that he took with him before running off. Fully intending to become a great wizard all on his own." - This entire paragraph needs to be reworked. It's very choppy. "A few months later, while Taliesin journeyed to see an old friend, Orpheus made his final move. He was left behind to supervise Taliesin's manor and the few servants that worked there." This is cleaner beginning that you can start with. Make sure you're using complete sentences when you fill out the rest.
"The servants gone, so was Orpheus, his study broken into, and with several tomes gone most on the darker aspects of magic." - This is another choppy portion. "The servants were gone, as was Orpheus, and his study had been broken into. Several tomes were gone, most of which focused on darker aspects of magic." In helping rewrite your sentences so far, I notice that you have a tense issue as well. Maintain the same tense throughout your piece. This'll make it easier for the reader to follow along.
"Orpheus, No. Was all he could think. " - While I always appreciate a dose of internal dialogue, this is a moment where it needs to be handled a little better. Internal dialogue is just like regular dialogue. You don't have to treat these two sections as two separate sentences, but more like one sentence. "Orpheus, no, was all he could think." Or, if you want to give the reader a little credit, just type "Orpheus, no." and hope they know that it's intended to be an internal thought.
"Trying to track the tomes Orpheus had taken with him Taliesin tried to activate the tracking glyphs hidden in the tomes bindings, but Orpheus had either dispelled them or was masking the magic that allows him to track his magic books." - You use "tried" and "trying" in the same sentence. This overstates the issue. And the tense changes back and forth. "Taliesin activated the tracking glyphs hidden in his tomes, but Orpheus had either dispelled them or was masking the magic that allowed the books to be tracked." When proofreading, always try to look at your own piece objectively (which some would argue is impossible) to see if what you've written can be confusing, and if it could be cleaned up for better understanding.
"...depend on a more old-fashioned way of pursuing Orpheus, with agents and rumors" - Use a colon instead of a comma here.
"This will take time. Taliesin thought sighing worried about what his misguided pupil might do with that dark knowledge." - The internal dialogue can stay the way it is if you alter what follows. "Taliesin sighed, worrying about what his misguided pupil might do with such dark knowledge." Notice I altered the ending as well. I'm still not sure "dark knowledge" is the best phrase to use here, but it's not bad.
"It’s taken ten years. He thought having finally found his former pupil. Who had now established himself as a powerful necromancer on the inside border of the Kalmar Axis a necromancer ruled collection of city states." - This is another collection of jumbled sentence that are broken up and don't really work well as a whole. "It's taken ten years, he thought, having finally found his former pupil. Orpheus had established himself as a powerful necromancer on the inside border or the Kalmar Axis, where he ruled a collection of city states." When you want to put a lot of information into a single sentence or two, commas are helpful, but always be mindful of your tense.
From this point on, I won't comment on how to structure your internal dialogue. Just remember that, in the manner you're writing it, it's still part of the sentence that follow. I hope this is helping, he thought while continuing to read and type. (That's just a little humor on my part. I feel like I'm browbeating you at this point!)
"With design influences taken from a Gothic graveyard, made of a dark stone, and with tall spires that looked ready to impale a person. It was an imposing structure." - This is actually meant to be one sentence.
"...Taliesin moved quicker through the halls heading for the center..." - Change "quicker" to "quickly".
"Arriving at a large set of ornate doors guarded by two wraiths that looked eager for a fight, but they were not about to get the chance for one." - To help with the tense, start this sentence with "Taliesin arrived at a large..."
"Concentrating Taliesin prepared to cast his first serious spell..." - Add a comma after "Concentrating".
"As Orpheus stood his shriveled face showed slight signs..." - Add a comma after "Orpheus".
" “I knew you would show up one day, it appears though my assumptions of your true power..." " - Change the comma to a period.
" "...were off a bit more then I considered.” He said looking beyond Taliesin..." - This is in regards to your regular dialogue: when ending a piece of spoken word and continuing your sentence, you need to end the dialogue with a comma and continue with a lowercase letter. It's all considered to be of one sentence. " "...more than I considered," he said, looking beyond..."
" “I assume you came for your books? Or Me?” " - Lowercase the "Me" to be "me".
" “I came to talk sense in you, but that appears to be to late." " - Change "in" to "into" and the third "to" to "too".
"The shards flew strait at Orpheus ripping his fine silk robes and the withered skin off of his body reviling his lichdom." - Change "strait" to "straight". A "strait" is a body of water  Add a comma after "body" and change "reviling" to "revealing".
"Orpheus looked down seeing his chest ripped open reviling his crystal heart suspended with gold vines on the right side of his ribcage where his soul was bound." Add a comma after "down". Change "reviling" to "revealing" again, and add a comma after "heart". And add a comma after "ribcage".
I've noticed the dialogue still seems to follow the same pattern throughout the rest of the piece, so I hope you can backtrack and alter the instances where it's used.
"Flashes of light as they traded spells. Fire, earth, ice, air, darkness, and light all the elemental forces traded in some form. Their powerful magic flying across the room, as they each would block the others with some form of protection spells." I understand that this is supposed to provide the reader with some quick imagery in order to help paint the scene, but it's a distracting since it's not in the same tense. "Light flashed as they traded spells. Fire, earth, ice, air, darkness, light: all the elemental forces were traded in some form." That's a good beginning, I think. Alter the last sentence as well, to inflict better what you're trying to say.
"Orpheus decided to reach down and use the darkest necromancy attack spells he knew they were extremely draining to use but the would finish off his master." - Add a semicolon after "he knew", and change "but the would" to "but they would".
"...and he felt a tingling sensation starting around his body." - "starting" around his body? I think you mean to say "building" around his body.
Right where it says "Divine Vengeance", there's a large gap between "Divine" and "Vengeance", s if you hit Enter before you meant to.
"Draining his energy bringing him to his knees." - Add a comma after "energy".
"...he tried to lift what was left of his
shattered staff to no avail." - This is another instance where Enter may have been hit prematurely.
" “This is what a warned you about.” Taliesin said sadly." - Change "a" to "I", and that period after "about" to a comma.
"He gave no resistance he finally understood..." - Place a period after "resistance". That small part if strong enough to be it's own sentence.
"...as Taliesin’s staff shattered his crystal heart that bound his soul to the mortal realm." - Change "his crystal heart" to "the crystal heart" to make reading easier.
"Taliesin gave himself a moment, to grieve his lost student." - No comma is needed here.
"Once he was ready he used his staff carving runes like the ones he carved..." - Add a comma after "staff". Otherwise, it's a little confusing Like he's using runes that can carve out a staff, or something.
"...rose from the mountain surrounding the castle tearing it down to rubble." - Add a comma after "mountain" and "castle".
"Collapsing Taliesin was physically exhausted..." - Add a comma after "Collapsing".
"I have not had such a battle in over a hundred years. He thought." - You do not have to always type "he thought" after each instance of internal dialogue. After the first few usages, many readers will understand what you're trying to do when you italicize a particular phrase.
I am so glad I got to read this. It was a quick morality story that had a subtle setup and quickly shifts to the consequences. The magic-battling system is quite interesting. It looks like the characters simply can't yell a word or phrase, but they have to mean it, as evidenced by the detailed mental-sentences that precede almost every spell.
The execution, however, is something to be desired. I've pointed out very specific errors, but a lot of them boil down to tense usage, comma usage, and sentence fragments. I've provided examples of how to fix your current issues, but you'll have to pay attention in the future if you don't want to repeat the same mistakes again.
I know that all the rules surrounding dialogue can be confusing, but they really help convey the words. When a writer consistently does something wrong, I can't help but become distracted by that anomaly and wonder how it has persisted. I imagine other readers feel the same way. As an exercise, you might try writing a piece that's completely dialogue. No action words or framing sentences. You'll find it's actually liberating while also providing a challenge. From there, add in your images, your actions, whatever you need to paint the scene, and you might find that, with the right amount of dialogue, you don't always need more.
This is just a suggestion. In regards to the comma and tense usage, I'd suggest reading your story out loud, to yourself or to someone else. Or letting someone else (such as readers like me) read them and show you where they get tripped up. Sometimes, when I write, my brain seems to work faster than my fingers. Before I know it, I've made so many errors that I've forgotten my main point! This can happen, but it's no problem. This is why we review, review, review. Proofread a piece, edit and cut what you don't need, and change what simply doesn't work.
I hope this has been helpful. I enjoy being helpful whenever I can. Take care, and have fun when you rewrite this piece. It actually sounds like it's part of a larger, more enriching tale. Good luck, and have a good writing day.
Than Pence
P.S. I love the title! |
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