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171 Public Reviews Given
274 Total Reviews Given
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Honest. If you want fluff, there's plenty of 'encouraging' groups to ask.
I'm good at...
Detecting plot and character issues in relation to the story.
Favorite Genres
Horror/thriller, drama, fantasy.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance and erotica
Favorite Item Types
short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
Shallow stories or poems about love and/or loss.
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poetry, erotica, or romance
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review by TheGary
Rated: E | (3.0)

Title: Very catchy and fits the story to a tee. Love it.

Characters: The main characters are well-rounded and dynamic. I felt for Rose throughout, but the supporting cast feel a bit like props.

Spelling/grammar: Needs a lot of work. Misuse of semi-colons and non-use of them. Lots of run-on sentences. Punctuation miscues abound. Run this through a grammar/spell checker and most will be found. I am also against the spelling of flavour/savour and such. This is a personal issue though. I know that I am stuck in the Americanism of such words.

Story structure: All elements are there and in their proper place. A well-constructed story.

Suggestions:


Rose stared out onto the green field. ---I think showing us that she stared out a window would provide us with the proper context. My first thought was that she was standing on the edge of the field being rained on.

the intermittent mist rain of the last few days ---Redundancy.

In the weeping willow tree, pairs of wet sparrows sat preening themselves. The rosebush held the spider's web, where a few drops grew in size and fell to the soil with a miniature splash. ---I think you should replece the articles 'the' with 'a'. By using 'the', you give the impression we should already have intimate knowledge of the subjects, which we don't, since this is the first reference to any of them.

None of these registered into Rose's mind ---Since it is all from her POV, they must have registered.

“What are your plans now Rose,? getting married or finishing school?"

...what her sister said, she turned away ...Two sentences. Period after 'said'.

As if on cue, Mother came into the living room; ---Not 'as if' on cue. It WAS on cue. She was reacting to the girl's yelling. Also, use a period instead of semi-colon here.

Pat put on her best 'poor me, I'm a baby face.' ---Pat put on her best 'poor me, I'm a baby' face.

Susan smiled inwardly, already the battle between her ... ---The whole story is through Rose's POV except this one line. It's intrusive. Perhaps she actually smiles just enough for Rose to notice, instead.

Lunch was served, the rain was still misty, and everyone retired for an afternoon nap. ---This whole sentence seems unnecessary to me.

Mother went to her ROOM, where only the invited was allowed... ---'WERE allowed'. The capitalization of 'room' gives it a significance that never really becomes important to the story.

At lunch Mother had asked Rose...

Mother sat in her recliner, knitting, yarn turning into socks, and the stitches never dropped, never does Mother bother to look where the knitting is going, click - clack, the needles move, a sip of hot chocolate in-between, and the conversation flows. ---Sentence is run-on and very passive throughout.

Rose was looking at the needles...---Rose looked at the needles...

There it was, the perfect day, and with unusual vigor, set about doing her morning chores. ---This sentence is a bit convoluted. Perhaps making it two sentences would help it.

Even a well will be filled with one pebble at a time, and Rose was well filled. ---I don't get this reference and the repetitive usage of 'well-filled' doesn't work for me.

...and as for looks, and the only nice thing she could see is that he was shorter than she. ---Confusing. Replace 'she' with 'her' as well.

Growled he--- he growled.

“You catch rainbows, rainbows are not dreams?” ---“You catch rainbows? Rainbows are not dreams.”

We discussed the usage of the shortened 'lolli'. I think it works within their conversation, but not in narration.

The rainbow rising out, the colours mixed up all round her and fusing into her whole being, in a while, all the colour went into her. ---Not clear what this is conveying.

“Mother, I do not quite understand?” She stopped, she considered how to proceed. ---“Mother, I do not quite understand.” She stopped, considering how to proceed.

There, sprawled all over the settee, was Pat, sucking on the lollipop, she treated the lollipop as if it was something totally special, as if it had hypnotized her, licking, nibbling, she seemed almost in a trance. ---'as if' and 'seemed' take the reader out of the action.

Only the father looked at his wife with a frown, and she shrugged her shoulders, and gave the mystical smile that father could still not understand ---This would have more impace if said smile was introduced earlier in the story. It falls a bit flat as is.

Overall: I think this is a terrific story (fable?). With a few edit cycles, I expect you to be sending this off to some children's magazines and be paid for it. Imaginative and original.

I am rating only a three, but only because of the grammatical errors. Once you fix this up, I expect it to be a 4.
27
27
Review of Homunculus  
Review by TheGary
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Noxys,

I am reviewing your item because it is featured in "Talent Pond's Water Lily Review Central"  [ASR]. Please take all my opinions and suggestions in the spirit in which I offer them; to help you advance in your craft.

Title: Short and to the point. Leaves little doubt what the reader is about to read and will draw in the desired audience. Great job.

Structure: Follows standard essay format. I see no flaws here. Again, great work.

Spelling/Grammar: There were a few minor flaws, but nothing that detracted from the piece. One thing is that Minotaur is supposed to be capitalized. I, honestly, don't know why this is, but all the research I did indicates this is proper. I noticed a few places where possesives were used in place of plurals. Also, a few missing commas.

Suggestions:

The ultimate of these mythological creatures is the homunculus; a creatures ---Since you begin by naming the subject in plural form, you must continue to address it as such.

They never worked with alchemy due to the change in their wisdom, deeming it foolish to meddle with the natural order of things. ---This seems an odd attribute, since they are the culmination of meddling with the natural order. That would be like humans not wanting to learn how to treat the human body.

The most obvious ability was the powerful body of snake that had enhanced bone structures, allowing for easy movement, and venomous bites. ---By starting the sentence with 'The most obvious ability...', you only allow yourself to point out one such ability. The 'venomous bites' statement, therefore, is out of place. I would either change the structure of this sentence or put the bites ability in a new one.

it was usually because the two fell in love in some way. ---Since the lamia is in control of the memory, would it not be that the lamia fell in love instead of her and her victim?

The downfall was that all intelligence was lost in the process. ---It didn't lose 'all' intelligence. It takes some to learn things like walking and fighting.

Due to their intelligence it led to the liking of riddles. ---Their intelligence led to the liking of riddles.

Another such combination was Cerberus. The attempt was to expand a dogs life by combining the life forces. ---Combining what forces? The whole section on the cerberus is confusing. In particular, this statement: not wanting to share eternity stuck with others.

More complex transmutations using more fluid elements as the body resulted in elementals. ---Repetition of 'more' makes this read a bit clumsy.

I found the repeated use of the following words and phrases detracted from the flow of your piece:
Most, more, 'even more', 'many more', only.

I would use footnotes to credit the quotes in your piece. If they are fictional, as well, then make up a reference to give this fictional essay an authentic feel.

Overall: I loved it. This is a unique item. People will be hard-pressed to find something of its kind elsewhere on this site. While you might catch some blowback from die hard fantasy, Urban Fantasy (a hopefully passing fad), or mythological writers, this is a fine piece of work.

Keep on writing. I love your style.

Best,
G

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **











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28
Review of The Door  
Review by TheGary
Rated: E | (2.5)

Title: You should come up with a title that has more relation to the story. The door in this story is just a prop and an insignificant one at that. The blackout is more important. Perhaps that would be something to look at.

Characters: I couldn't tell you anything about anyone in the classroom. You should give us something to make us want your protag to succeed. Make us fear like he/she does. Perhaps even give him/her a name or a sex. There's nothing here.

Spelling/grammar: I don't point out specific spelling and grammar mistakes. A serious writer should already have the tools to use them properly or a resource to fix them. I will point out that pasting this into MS Word pointed out numerous mistakes in both and I noticed quite a few punctuation errors.

Story Structure: While there's good tension in the piece, it's all abstract. I didn't feel the peril for any specific character so it falls somewhat flat. Developing the main character will help.

Suggestions:


It’s a usual day at Parkway. Everyone one in my room is silent, since we’re taking our first big test. ---It's the day of their first big test so it isn't the usual day. It's also not a good opening sentence. The second one is actually better.

Then suddenly, just as everyone was going to finish, the lights went black. ---'The lights went black.' No need for the word 'suddenly' and it really should never be used in fiction. The action should show us that it is sudden.

For god knows what reason... ---God is capitalized here.

Everyone started getting rowdy trying to figure out what to do. ---Started to get rowdy or did they just GET rowdy? I think it would be better if you just showed us some actions of rowdiness.

I came back to my class and told everyone to check their cell phones, but everyone said they already tried and no one had any service. ---The narrator never actually left the class, she was unable to leave. Also, I don't like that 'everyone said' it. Surely, there's at least one person who didn't say it. There would be no reason to get that info from all the students.

Time had passed by slowly and it soon became hours that we were trapped in this little room. ---This sentence really needs a different approach. 'soon became hours' is a little non-sensical. Hours are hours, there's no 'soon' involved. Try something like Time moved like a snail. We were trapped in the room for hours. Simplify it somewhat.

One of the strong football boys tried to break the door down, but failed miserably.

Found the sounds coming from the other rooms, it seems they had the same idea too, but no one could get out. ---Not sure what this was meant to say. Perhaps Sounds from the other rooms indicated they had a similar idea with the same results.

I peered through the window again and there it was. I saw something turning into the hallway. ---Should combine these sentences. I peered through the window again and saw something turn into the hallway.

You have some issues with tenses. Sometimes you use present tense and sometimes past tense. It needs to be consistently the same. Adjectives and adverbs are modifiers that tend to 'tell' rather than 'show' the action. Try and eliminate as many as you can. If you feel a sentence needs one, chances are you didn't relate the action well and should rewrite it.
The premise is strong and there's good dramatic tension, but you need to work on this to tighten it up.

Keep on writing. Practice is the best way to improve in the craft.

Best,
G
29
29
Review of "Jonah's grin"  
Review by TheGary
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)

Title: Great title. Fits the story and highlights the most important item in it.

Characters: The characters are well rounded and dynamic. I was able to feel for both Jonah and Lucas. Jamie was a little underdeveloped and too 'evil'. A good antag will have at least one redeeming quality to contrast the qualities of wrong.

Spelling/grammar: I pointed out a few below, but this piece is really in trouble because of this. Run it through a spelling/grammar checker as I don't feel I should teach basic English rules in a review. Read through it a few times and fix the many sentence structure problems.

Story structure: I must suggest that you don't use prefaces and chapters for a short story. A preface or prologue sends up a red flag to your reader that you don't have confidence to insert backstory within the flow of the piece. Chapters are only necessary as breaking points for readers. Gives them a chance to slide that bookmark in place for when they open the book again.
Other than that, you have a great premise with stong, well-defined conflict and resolution.

Suggestions:

Odd

for a man well into his thirties to still

need training wheels. But he did. ---Formatting needs fixing and this should be all one sentence.

Some may say that the reason that he needed them was because he suffered from an extreme case of autism; but I don't. ---Improper use of semi-colon. Use comma instead.

I began working with mentally challenged adults at the relatively young age of Twenty-two. ---Ages are not capitalized.

Jonah was my very first patient and the one who had the biggest affect on my life. ---I would use client instead of patient. The narrator is, after all, running a business and I see nothing in the story indicating he is a medical professional.

I can still see his cheesy grin. The grin looked super imposed on his face. The grin shouted youth while the rest of his face well; just shouted age. ---I would try and make this all one sentence and cut out some unnecessary clutter. The cheesy grin superimposed on his face belied his age and stays with me to this day. Something like that. It's not perfect, but I think you will see my point.

The shy man bit his lower lip as he feebly embraced my hand. ---Try and avoid using desciptors whenever possible. 'shy' is unnecessary because the action shows us he is shy. Instead of 'feebly' (ugh the adverb is so yucky) use something like '...embraced my hand as if afraid to crush it.

"Hi ya" He said. --- "Hiya," he said.

Then he reached into his jean pocket. He produced a crumbled piece of notebook paper. ---No need for 'Then' because the action sequence doesn't need the modifier. Try He reached into his jean pocket and produced a crumpled piece of notebook paper. Notice the word crumpled instead of crumbled, as well.

Suddenly he dropped his head in shame and said "I'm sorry" ---'Suddenly' is perhaps the worst word in the world for a writer to use. The action should show that it was sudden. Insert comma after said for proper dialogue tag.

I then realized why the paper was all wrinkled. It appeared to be a note of some sorts. And from the looks of it Jonah had been practicing to read it. ---I thought it was wrinkled from being stuffed in his pocket. The other sentences don't seem to connect to it. Also, you should almost never start a sentence with 'and' as it's a conjunction meant to connect two things within the same sentence.

"Oh that's o.k ---okay

The visible look of relief on his face filled my heart with joy. He then handed me the note. ---Combine the sentences, get rid of 'then' and find a way to 'show' us the relief instead of telling us it's 'visible'. How is it visible?

The note began to get made me angry as I read it.

"I want you to promise me that at my house you will have Fun, fun, fun. I need you to promise me that you will never ever worry about the *&^% that's written on that note again. ---The word fun is not capitalized. I also don't like the flow of the statement. Does he 'want' the promise or 'need' it?

Bits of extra skin sought of hung by his lips when he smiled. ---Not sure if it's wrong word usage, but this makes no sense to me.

And with that we instantly became friends. ---It wasn't instant. They had a fairly lengthy conversation before this.

Life was not always easy with Jonah under my care.
His boyish charm is what attracted me to him., but sometimes it also frustrated the hell out of me. Some times Jonah would do things so childish. Like the One time that he ran around the house_dressed up like an Indian throwing Corn Flakes in the air in his improvised, naive, native "Pow-Wow'. But he always did it with that grin and that was okayby me, because if his smile was there everything was fine. But when it was not then it was not. ---Paragraph dismantling. Email me if you need explanations.

I heard Jonah snoring, it was a rather strong snore. ---I heard Jonah snoring like...(insert simile here)

A look that said "You know what I am thank you for not judging me" I never once judged him but I also never really knew what he was, but I never cared. ---Since the look said that to the narrator, he would have to know what he was. It's the narrator's perception.

He was intelligent, adventures, boisterous and vivacious. ---Show us these things instead of telling us.

She enunciated the "s" in a snake like manner. ---She enunciated the "s" like a snake.

The boy in the front started to gather speed and the awkward teen in the back followed suite; although at a lower speed. Then the teen in the front slowed down and let the awkward teen go past him. the awkward teen laughed and shouted out something that sounded like "Hell yeah' as he passed the boy. The other teen then put the proverbial peddle to the metal and gained speed. Passing the awkward teen in a crossing pattern. ---Find another word for 'teen' as you use it too many times in such a short period.

The words written in Jonah's POV have formatting that's hard to read. Change it please and don't tell us it is from his POV. It would have more power if the words let the reader guess it.

Overall: A great story, but needs too much work to really be enjoyed. With serious editing, I think this could be published, but it's miles away from a publisher reading past even the first paragraph.

Keep writing and learning. I hope you can turn your imagination into greatness.

Best,
G
30
30
Review by TheGary
Rated: E
Title: It's clever, but not sure it really fits the story.

Characters: There's not much to them. We never get any real backstory on the protag and the fiance just does a lot of whining and crying. The cops are wooden and seem right out of a bad CSI: Miami episode (not that there ever was a good one).

Spelling/grammar: Good for the most part. Did notice an improper dialogue tag.

Story Structure: Story lacks resolution. Conflict is not built up enough to make reader feel danger for the characters. Needs fact checks.

Suggestions:

She looked down at her wrist, hand cuffed to her hospital bed, and her confusion grew exponentially. ---I would rewrite to use an action word to describe the depth of her confusion.

She was still drowsy. She had just woken up... ---Redundant

“Ma’am, I’m afraid you are mistaken. Today is the 20th.” ---I think we need to get a reaction from Lil when she hears this. Losing a week of time I would expect to be very disconcerting, at the least.

“Please recant your dream again, Ms. Kriell,” Officer Hurtt spoke calmly with a soothing tone. ---Wrong usage of word 'recant'. Also, I think you should eliminate 'calmly' and 'soothing tone'. Together they are redundant, but individually they are telling.

The motion made the hand cuffs clink against the metal bed rail.

“We ask, Ms. Kriell, because we believe that you may have a split personality,” Officer Hurrt spoke softly, a glint in his eye as he glanced at his partner. --- I think some research will show that police do not make clinical diagnoses for mental illness. A professional would be summoned for such. A little confused at the 'glint in his eye'. Is he attracted to her or is there something mysterious going on between the cops?

Split-Personality Disorder ---Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD)

There was a loud beeping sound, and everything went black. ---Does a beeping sound bring out her alter-ego? Did she die? This is very confusing and leaves the ending dangling.

Overall:
Story has some potential, but is incomplete and needs some serious thought and work put into it. Once you get this worked out, I think you have a chance for a winner.

Best,
G

Story rating: *Star**Star*
31
31
Review of Insanity  
Review by TheGary
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Title:I think the title is too generic. While it is a strong word, I would look for something more original.

Characters:There is only the one character and I felt a connection to him which is good for such a short piece. If you ever expand this, however, you will need to get deeper into him.

Spelling/Grammar:A couple of typos and perhaps a misused word or two. Overall, good work.

Story structure: All elements of story are in place. My biggest complaint is that so much of the story comes off as passive. Too many weak sentences took me out of the story. I will give some examples below.

Suggestions:

He knew he shouldn’t be here. ---First sentence should be stronger. I suggest He shouldn't be here.

Sobriety had taught him coping skills to survive. The steps had revealed himself and uprooted the demons from his past. Yet here he was again. Making the choice of sobriety had saved his marriage. Michael could envision his beautiful wife: her smile, her love of life and zest for adventure. In his sickness he had almost quenched that flame. The beast that controlled him was not the man that she fell in love with. It had touched every part of Michael’s life and corroded it like acid. ---I'm going to take this paragraph in full and then will leave the passive voice issue alone. First off, the word 'had' is tricky. While it is easy to use to make the tense clear, it is unnecessary and makes these sentences passive by removing the reader from the story. Here are some suggestions:

Sobriety taught him coping skills to survive.

The steps revealed himself and uprooted his past demons.

Being sober saved his marriage.

Michael envisioned his beautiful wife: her smile, her love of life and zest for adventure. --- I would use a word other than envisioned. The word is a visual one while some of his musings are of his wife's personality. It just doesn't fit to me.

In his sickness he almost quenched that flame.

The beast controlling him was not the man she fell in love with.

It touched every part of Michael’s life, corroding it like acid.

Overall: I liked the premise and darkness of the story. I think with some work, this could be a gem.
32
32
Review of Oh Billy  
Review by TheGary
Rated: E | (3.5)
Title: Short and sweet. Fits the story. I like it.

Characters: Well, there's only one real character. For a short piece like this, it's done well enough. I would suggest making it a bit longer and let us get to know him better.

Plot: A short piece meant to focus on a fable-like story. Short and to the point. I like.

Spelling/grammar:No glaring spelling errors. Needs a bit of work for basic structure and punctuation fixes.

Story Structure: Elements are all in place. Great ending.

Suggestions:

I was sitting down outside my house when the kids from our neighbor came up to me and asked

"Grandpa, could you tell us a story,"

should be -- I was sitting down outside my house when the kids from our neighbor next door came up to me and asked, "Grandpa, could you tell us a story?"

(kids behaved properly and they were ready to listen to their grandpa) --What is this? Seems confusing to me.

"This story is about a kid named Billy," I explained," ---Period after explained.

As soon as Billy gets home, he was instructed by his mother to purchase mud crabs at the market. Being too lazy to carry them home, he sets them free in a ditch and tells them to go on home, as he would be along later. His mother immediately asked him where the crab was, and he replied that the crab was on the way to their house. ---crabs or crab? also, I think this would read better if she was actually saying the words. Let the reader be a part of it.

You have this huge paragraph that I think needs to be broken up into a few paragraphs.

couple of years later, he changed and now living a good life with his family




The End"
Eliminate the spacing.


I am rating above average at 3.5 despite the errors that made it a tough read. I would love to read this again all fixed up. I think this is a great piece in waiting.
33
33
Review by TheGary
Rated: E | (2.5)
Title: It's a bit long, but fits. I think it would have more impact as a shorter title.

Characters: There isn't a lot of development, but for such a short piece you did a fine job.

Plot: The plot is laid out well and strong. Message is clear and there's no deception about where you intend to go with it.

Spelling/Grammar: Spelling is okay. Dialogue needs a lot of work and I noticed a few minor punctuation errors.

Story Structure: All the elements are there. Well done for such a short piece.

Suggestions:

Your first paragraph reads very choopy, like a list being checked off. Try and blend the thoughts into stronger sentences.

My dad's favorite saying was God will find away. ---I would do something to the saying to give ownership to her father. Either put in quotations or maybe italicize.

It was Christmas time and the pastor asked the members of the church to help a members family through the holidays. He said" that they were in need of food and Christmas presents for the children". --- No need to tell us he asked for help if you just have him say it. At Christmas time, the pastor stood at the podium and said, "There are people in need of our help. Please look in your hearts and find a way to provide these souls with food and gifts for their children." Not that this is perfect, but it keeps the reader more a part of your story.

I said "no"after all we were poor too so I did not have many. My mom spotted the doll baby on the shelf and said "you know they have a little girl who would love to have that baby doll". I said "sorry mama that is my baby doll". I was about twelve years old at the time and had not touched that baby doll in months. I was being greedy and knew it, after all I was into boys now and did not even want to play with dolls anymore.She asked me do you play with it? I said" not really but it is mine". She asked me how do you think that little girl will feel on Christmas if she opened up a present and found that baby doll inside? I thought about it for a few minutes and said" she would be so happy, like I was". ---I hate to copy so much of your story into this one point, but I feel it is necessary. You need to break the dialogue out of the paragraph. Give each speaker his/her own paragraph and use proper formatting for dialogue.
Example:
"Not really, but it's mine," I said.
"How do you think that little girl will feel on Christmas if she opened up a present and found that baby doll inside?" Mother replied.
I thought about it for a few minutes and said,"She would be so happy, like I was."

A good story with a great moral. I think with some work, this would be a terrific story for young readers.
34
34
Review of Snowballs  
Review by TheGary
Rated: E | (3.0)
You asked me to review this piece for you, but it doesn't seem to be complete. I assume there's more by the story description.

Title: Doesn't seem to fit the story at all.
Plot: Typical boy meets bully, but without resolution so it feels more like the whinings of a classic nerd.
Characters: None are developed to the point that I feel much for them.
Story Structure: Jumps around some and there is no resolution to the plot.
Spelling/grammar: A few misspells and grammar errors, but nothing significant.

Suggestions:

Two days ago I hung like a frayed coat, one deserted for being out of style, stuck in a narrow locker for an entire period of school in the dark, except for the three blades of light that poked through the vent holes. ---This sentence is way too long. Try breaking up into multiple lines to establish a good flow. My suggestion is to start it with a strong sentence since it is the first one.

Locker 119 quickly earned it's reputation as being a prop for practical jokes; it has been my assigned cubby since school started and in part an intraday domicile for me ever since high school began. ---Delete 'likely' and make this two seperate sentences. I think it reads stronger if the sencond part stands on its own.

Unlike, day one of school this year, when I was introduced to everyone as I hung on the outerside of my locker on the latch handle by my belt and several pant loops with a sign taped to my head that read..etc., etc. Pare this down, all those details are not really necessary and this sentence goes forever.

"Hey, Mr. Helphurt, In here! In Here!" I hoped my voice, that changed octives between vowels, had squirmed out enough to make it to the my teachers ears. ---While not technically incorrect, I don't care for exclamation points. I think the tag and/or narrative should make the emotion clear. The second sentence is very passive.

I really need to change the way the way things are going if I am going to maintain any positive future reputation at all. ---The tense changes in this paragraph only. Seems to me that it doesn't fit.

Overall: A decent story that needs some work. The ending falls flat and didn't leave me wanting to know more, however.

Hope this helps,
G
35
35
Review of Mr Popular  
Review by TheGary
Rated: E | (4.0)
just needs more backstory, mostly to give hints for the reveal. This was on a short word limit so I understand this would be done in a longer version.
There are a few typos, but thats about it for spelling/grammar issues
dialogue was real and compelling...not a lot of wasted words.
characters were well done
I'm rating a four, but if you do indeed expand this great story, please email me so I can rate again. I cant wait to see it.

Best,
G
36
36
Review by TheGary
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)


Title: Doesn't really fit the story. The constable is not even an active character.

Characters: Really vague. I can't see anyone connecting with 'The man'. Give the poor bloke a name.

Plot: Very thin.

Story structure: The structure needs work. You spend an awful lot of words talking about a news item and his attorney friend which are irrelevant to the story.

Spelling/grammar: Other than the paragraph seperations and a few minor punctuation errors, it is okay.

Suggestions:


When the man arrived at his home in Oxford, England, nothing seemed suspect. ---'Seemed is a weak word. I would revise to eliminate this, as this is your opening sentence and should be strong.

The soft, large sun, which had kept England at 67 degrees all day, was beginning to descend descending over the foothills, filling the sky with a brilliant mix of sharp pink and a vibrant yellow.

As he was pulling his dark red Shelby into his long, cobblestone driveway, he could still hear the quieting celebrants of the one to nil World Cup victory over Brazil. ---This should be a new paragraph. I would consider lessening the adjectives, as well. It hurts the flow of the sentence.


He smiled to himself, thinking of the pub he had just left,. All the men, much younger than him, were going insane over every play grand old England made.

Soccer, he thought to himself, is the only sport that creates this kind of pandemonium. ---You can only think 'to yourself''.

He finally arrived at, and opened, the large, wooden door, ornamented with a brilliant arching window and a gilded doorknob. --- Too many descriptions for a door that has no importance to your story.

He stepped over the threshold, dropping his metal briefcase to his left, kicking his leather shoes to the right, and suspending his coat and hat from a large, antique coat rack at the entrance of the den. ---Would read better if this was broken into multiple sentences.


The news was on, telling the story of an awful car crash on the London bridge, two women, one pregnant, had crossed lanes and been rear ended, pushing them over the side of the rails. ---New paragraph. Only one of the women was driving, right? The other was a passive passenger?

The car had plummeted, they both died. ---This would be a good polace for some of those descriptions. Look...'The car plummeted to the ground in a fiery wreck, killing the driver and her pregnant passenger.'

The man’s friend, a defense attorney, would be defending the driver of the car that hit them. ---New paragraph. Try and reword to get rid of the passive voice...'would be'

The man pitied his friend, any jury, at the mention of a killed pregnant woman, would be drawn to sympathy. ---This sentence makes no sense. Think how the reader would interpret. Also, this should start a new paragraph.

What is more, the driver of the car had been drunk, as well as on probation.

His thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a man standing in the shadow of the room, “Awful story, eh?”

“Leave my presence before I notify the constable.” ---Given the situation, I would expect a little more passionate statement.

“I answered the question, Nicolai; you put me here because you are a cold, ruthless bastard who has no right to be standing on this earth.”
The explosion rocked the neighborhood and the surrounding county, leaving only rubble in the immediate radius. ---This explains nothing.

Overall: This story needs to be expanded to give it more substance. A stronger ending with a clear resolution should be worked out.


Good luck with the competition.

Best,
G
37
37
Review of Just shoot me  
Review by TheGary
Rated: E | (3.0)


Title: Fits the story, but I can't give you credit as I know it was the prompot for the contest.

Character: Have no idea who or what this person is, other than a student as revealed at the end. Without knowing anything about him/her, I could not feel anything for the character.

Plot: The plot is thin. This is more the ramblings of a teenager with angst than a story.

Structure: The structure is fine as it relates to the writing, however, I must withhold judgement until after this story is made whole.

Spelling/grammar: No spelling errors. Grammar needs a little work, see below for comment on dialogue.

UbISuggestions:


It isn’t like I haven’t had a year to prepare for it but I kept putting it out of my head, I do that with unpleasant things.---You may want to stay in past tense throughout the story, and perhaps a semi-colon would be appropriate instead of a comma to seperate the two connected thoughts.

I’m not even sure why they must, there has to be another way, another means to the same end, I didn’t do anything to deserve this. ---Not sure why someone would think there's another way for a picture to be taken. It's ok as is, but I think you should be aware that this sentence feels a little like you are cheating the reader.

I go through the motions of my day and everyone seems wary of talking to me, but that could be just me. ---I would remove seems and make it so that everyone IS wary....then the statement 'but that could just be me' more powerful.

They led me to the area of execution and the lights seemed dim. ---They either ARE dim or they ARE NOT dim. It's not a matter of seeming.

“Hold still” someone said, I replied “Go ahead and shoot me”. ---Seperate speakers with new paragraphs.


Overall: This story needs to be expanded to develop character and storyline. There is no dramatic tension and the conflict is not strong. The surprise ending is funny, but it falls short because the piece is too short to really create any real worry on the reader's part.
I would expect more for a contest entry that requires a significant entry fee. You have time to make this a winner and I look forward to reading this at 1000-1500 words.

Good luck.

Best,

G
38
38
Review of Every Rose  
Review by TheGary
Rated: E | (2.5)

Title: fits the story.

Characters: need some work on it. You dont even name the main character so i never felt connected to her. it reads clumsy calling her 'the woman' throughout, especially when the mother is called 'the older woman'. give them names early so reader can know them.

Plot: plot is fairly standard for romance. I found her saying 'yes' to the proposal out of character. you described so much disdain for the boyfriend, it's hard to believe she'd want to suddenly marry him. the song he sings is 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn" but the only rose was a marriage proposal, and honestly, i can only picture a black and wilted rose there.

Structure: the structure is sound. conflict and resolution are clear, if somewhat unbelievable.

spelling/grammar: no glaring errors in either.



The woman tapped her foot impatiently.The click, click, click of her heel on the marble floor resounded throughout the dining hall. ----remove impatiently as the foot tapping is an action showing impatience. I would try and combine the sentences as well

Circular dining tables draped with white tablecloths filled the room and rectangular buffet tables with the same cloth sat in the back. Both types of tables were covered with white,disposable drapes. ---clunky....plus you describe them being covered with white drapes twice. try "Circular tables filled the room with rectangular ones against the back wall. All were draped with white, disposable tablecloths.

She wore long, flowing, blue dress, as well as silver earrings that her father had given her. ---try and remove the passive in this sentence. something like this might work "Her blue dress flowed from her body (simile would work great here), highlighting the silver earrings given to her by her father."

Another woman, an older one, walked up behind her, and put her hand on her shoulder. ---too many pronouns that identify seperate people without an identifying marker. Perhaps this would work better "A hand fell on her shoulder from behind. She turned to see her mother standing there.

They'd been together for what seemed like a long time now. But it didn't seem too long. It was more like it still hadn't been long enough. ---this is very convoluted. try and simplify. suggestion: "Their relationship was months old, but it still felt as though it needed more time to mature.

The crowd was ecstatic. ---were they already ecstatic or was it because of the proposal? I would suggest removing this line entirely. The clapping and cheering tells the reader they are such.

And the night went on, people ate, and drank, danced and laughed, all in a dual celebration, that only one of the two being celebrated knew about. ---while it is sometimes acceptable to start a sentence with a conjunction, I dont think this is one of those times. the sentence also runs on. suggestion: "The night returned to its festive mood. People ate...etc.

Overall: a first draft that needs work, but has potential. Stronger characters and characterization could turn this into a fine story.

I hope this helps. Keep writing!

Best,
g
39
39
Review by TheGary
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This review will focus on the things to improve your story as I am guessing you have enough 'good story' reviews at this point and by reading it, not enough of what i am about to do: focus on the negatives.

The story has a good premise and a complete plot, but it moves at a turtle's pace. I would edit out all the unnecessary descriptions and focus on consistent plot driving sentences. PLEASE, eliminate the endless adverbs and adjectives. Words ending in 'ly' may sound pretty and descriptive, but they stall sentences and make them clunky. use action and dialogue to show the reader how things are unfolding. Go through and eliminate all the words like seem and seemed. They take the reader out of the story. When something 'seemed' to happen, the reader knows it didnt actually happen and has no reason to care. Not sure how many sentences you began with 'But', lets just say it was enough to make me suggest you rethink them. While starting sentences with conjunctions is not wrong, per se, to the writing world, doing it with any frequency makes for a troubled read. Looks to every sentence with the words 'had' , 'had been', 'hadn't', 'had not' and other similar usages of passive verbs. try and find stronger verbs to get rid of them. just because he is flashing back does not mean you have to add those to continually enforce it. passives make for a looooooong read.
Here is a small sampling of some things you can work on to improve a story which needs no help with premise or plot:


The other boys arrived a moment later and huddled in for a look at the carnage. ---i don't think the word carnage is appropriate here.

The Doctor had sent him on his way, telling him that if he was still in pain tomorrow, that he should come right back and see a Doctor. ---as much as doctor's may like to believe they are...the reality is they are not God, therefore, no need to capitalize

“Yeah, a competent one.” Brandon muttered to himself now, as he drove home on the expressway. ---comma before the end quotation mark instead of a period.

As they opened the doors, the blistering, stagnant air hit them like a wall. ---blistering and stagnant speak of 2 totally different sensations. i would eliminate one. also, walls are inanimate so this simile doesnt work the way you hoped.

“Do you guys want a drink before we go swimming?” He asked, closing the lid with his knee. ---small h in he.

The passenger door opened, and Karen climbed in. “Did you see those storm clouds? You’re not going to get much done today. Oh, and the Doctor just called. He wants you to come in after work on Monday so he can talk to you about your test results.”

“Did he say anything about them?” Brandon was sure that the scans would only prove that he was completely healthy, but he was a little dismayed to feel a nervous twinge. ---this is unnecessary. he already said in last paragraph that he would get nothing done because of the coming storm, and the tests have no more mention in the story.
40
40
Review by TheGary
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am glad you posted this imformative article. I think you should expand it and deal with the newer problems of social networking sites. These are many times more vulnerable than emails and chat rooms now. I, myself, stay away from them, but there are numerous stories of people that have been hurt through them. I would like to learn more about how to protect myself against them.




Have any of you received e-mail like this and
wondered if it was for real? How did you handle it?
I never open these!

What protection do you all have to screen for viruses and
Trojan Horse? What software, if any, do you
recommend?
I use avg and also scan computer with good free software called spybot search & destroy

Have you ever sent an e-mail to somebody asking
if the e-mail addressed from them was valid?
I once repliued to a fishy email to challenge their assertions, but never received a response

Have any of you been lucky enough to NEVER
get any of the above type of mail?
I dare anyone to claim they haven't. also, when did enlarge your penis drop out of the top 10?

Also, do any of you use a screen name just for
posting on particular boards or simply for e-mailing
among friends and not for posting or chatting?
I actually used to use a fake name when entering info for sites that i wasn't sure about. 20 years later, I am still getting spammed from companies using those names. just shows how once you are out there, you never will be safe

If in doubt about whether or not to
reply, what would you do?
if in doubt, dont reply. better to mark it as junk or spam and just clean out your junk mail box more often. better safe than sorry

Can any of you think of
any more ways to stop junk mail?
I disagree with phone calls. if they provide a number, they want you to call for their own reasons. a friend of mine did this and was connected to an automated answering service. he now gets auto-called 2-3 times a day every day. he has reported it to the authorities, but they are unable to help as the numbers the calls come from are always changing (as well as the name of the companies that are calling). best suggestion is to just report it as spam so that email providers can suspend the accounts

Have any of you heard of Snopes.com, and do
you use it?

Snopes is a decent resource, but it is not absolute. there are a number of urban legends that they support to keep peoples antennae up and hence returning to their site. best method is common sense and remember 'if it sounds too good to be true, it almost certainly is too good to be true"
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