Hi everyone.– Up front - I rate hard – usually a 3.0 or a 3.5. I don't give very many 4.5s or 5.0 unless I think the work is almost perfect. Any of my comments or suggestions are just that: comments or suggestions. They are always given with respect and the hopes that they will be helpful. You may take my suggestions or ignore them because only you know what is best for your story. Keep Writing!
Title: Dragons of fire
Chapter: Short story
Author: P Gordon Kennedy
Plot: Comment on pacing, effective/quick hooking, tension and confusions/questions.
There was a nice hook. After reading the first two sentences, I wanted to read on. I marked the place in the story where I thought the tension was highest. There were a couple of places where I did feel a bit confused, but I didn’t mark them.
Zen wakes up and realizes that it wasn’t a dream. He has been transported to the gatehouse of the underworld. He walks back to the Cave of the Abyss and finds the wizard unconscious. Zen remembers the magic box containing good and evil. He is trying to wake the wizard when an elf, Eryd, appears. Eryd explains that the blue dragon – the ice dragon – has been released, and the red dragon – the fire dragon must be released as a counter-balance, or the world will freeze. Together, they manage to wake the wizard. Afterwards, when they summon the red dragon, Eryd falls into a trance. The dragons melt together bringing world balance. Eryd’s sister, Calvyna, wakes him from the trance with a potion. All ends well.
Scene/Setting: Too much it drags? Too little? Confused? Did they use 3 senses?
I don’t think that there was too much description; although, there was some.
Characters: Believable? Unique? Mary Sueish? Can’t keep names straight? Make it known! Characters are what it’s all about!
The characters were heroic.
Grammar: We can’t all be jedi grammar masters – so those that are… please help! Besides, type-ohs happen to the best of us and 100k words are a lot to keep track of.
Generally speaking, the grammar was good. I did give a couple of suggestions though.
Just My Personal Opinion: tell them what you liked/didn't like. How did it make you feel and all other misc.!
Hi Gordon,
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I love stories about dragons. This was a happy story that made me smile. 
What can I say that might help you to improve it? Well, I think that the story could have ended when the two dragons melted together, bringing balance to the world. I don’t really think that the second elf was needed.
I think that you write well, so here are a couple of advanced ideas, if you want to use them.
I read in a book about style which suggested to write “he said” instead of “said he.” It seems to be the way modern writers are writing.
Here’s another trick. If you don’t always want to say “he said or she said,” you can make something happen indicating the speaker before he speaks. For example,
Xen darted his eyes around the cave, trying not to stare at the stranger. “Who….Who are you?”
The tall stranger with the pointed ears touched his chest with his index and pinky fingers. “The name’s Eryd…an elf from afar I am.”
Xen had never seen and elf before, and he was surprised that the elf wasn’t any taller than he was. “You’re an elf?”
Eryd nodded. “I am.”
Xen glanced at the unconscious wizard. “And what might bring you here?”
Did you notice that I didn’t say “he said” one time, and yet we knew who was talking? What do you think?
Once again, thank you for sharing your story,
Tadpole1
Please add a few smiley faces here and there.
Xen looked at his surroundings bewildered. It seemed to him that he had just awoken from a very odd dream. Something about a wizard, a cave, a key, and a dragon wrought of fire. Though it all seemed quite dream-like, Xen found his surroundings strangely familiar.
“Could it be? Yes, it is….I’m in the gatehouse to the underworld!” thought Xen.
He picked himself up, grabbed a torch from one of the walls, and exited the gatehouse to begin his hike back to the entrance to the Cave of the Abyss. He remembered what the old wizard Mernomus had told him about maintaining a straight path through the cave, though all those memories now seemed like a rapidly fading dream.
After the long journey back to the cave entrance, Xen looked about. It was night, but he knew not how much time had passed since he had been transported back to the gatehouse to the underworld by some magic, he assumed The sentence would be stronger if it ended “by some magic.” . Stars lit the sky, but there was no sign of the dragon of blue fire or of the old wizard Mernomus.
“Mernomus!” yelled Xen, hoping to find the wizard again.
There was no answer, which was exactly what Xen expected. The last he remembered of the old wizard, he lay apparently unconscious after releasing the fire dragon from a magical box. The wizard had previously sent Xen into the Cave of the Abyss to retrieve the key to the box from the gatehouse to the underworld.
At that moment, Xen’s memories of past events began to clear, as if a dream-like fog had lifted from his mind. He remembered that the first time he was in the gatehouse there were shadow demons in the gatehouse, but they were not there the second time, after the box was opened. Not a moment later, he recalled what Mernomus had said about the magical box’s power to defeat evil.
In spite of new insights from his memories, the situation was still not entirely clear to Xen. “What happened to that wizard?” he wondered to himself.
Then at once came another insight, a very important insight. Xen remembered the place where he and Mernomus were when the magical box was opened. At once, he made for that place with all the speed he could muster in spite of being exhausted from his journey out of the Cave of the Abyss.
The magical box lay open and lifeless upon the ground and next to it laid lay the old wizard. Xen cautiously approached, not certain if the magic contained within the box had been totally exhausted or not. The wizard’s eyes were open staring up at the sky unresponsively, as if in the deepest of trances.
“Mernomus!” yelled Xen loudly, in hope of breaking the trance.
The wizard did not respond. One of his hands was still upon the key to the box and the other held his wand, which still emitted a faint glow.
“Mernomus!” yelled Xen again, this time with growing desperation.
“He can’t hear you…” came a voice from behind.
Startled, Xen whirled around, his heart racing. Not but a few paces away stood a tall young man with blond hair. He held a small bow in his hands.
“Who….Who are you?” asked Xen nervously.
“The name’s Eryd…an elf from afar I am,” replied the stranger.
“You’re an elf?” inquired Xen.
“I am,” replied Eryd in a matter of fact tone of voice.
“And what might bring you here?” asked Xen.
“Well, it seems a fire dragon has been released upon the world and now it seems pretty clear who did it…,” said Eryd pointing at Mernomus as the old wizard remained locked in trance.
“Can you break the trance?” asked Xen.
“Not yet, first I need answers and then I need the antidote…,” replied Eryd calmly.
“What antidote?” inquired Xen.
“First tell me what happened here,” answered Eryd.
“Well, Mernomus here sent me into the Cave of the Abyss to the gatehouse to the underworld to retrieve the key to that box. It was quite strange, There should be a semicolon or a period here instead of a comma. he gave me a potion to make me fly and another to make me invisible to the demons there. When I returned to him with the key, I discovered that three days had passed, though it did not at all feel like it. I gave him the key and he opened the box, releasing a dragon made of blue fire. At that moment, it seems, the wizard was knocked into trance and I for reasons unknown to me, found myself transported by magic back to the gatehouse to the underworld,” said Xen, summarizing his adventures.
“I see. Did the wizard tell you anything about the purpose of the box or the fire dragon?” inquired Eryd.
“He said whatever was in the box had the power to defeat evil, but that is all he told me. Never mentioned anything about fire dragons; I didn’t learn of them until the box was opened,” answered Xen.
“Seems then he didn’t tell you about the other fire dragon…” said Eryd.
“There’s another one?” asked Xen curiously.
“Yes. You see, the one you saw was the blue fire dragon, but there’s also a red fire dragon. Both can defeat evil in the world, but they each have their side effects so to speak…,” said Eryd.
“Side effects?” inquired Xen.
“You see, the blue dragon has the power to defeat evil, but also the power to turn the world to ice. With the red dragon, he has the same power to defeat evil, but also the power to turn the world to fire. Both must be released at the same time each to counteract the effects of the other….” answered Eryd.
“Turn the world to ice!” exclaimed Xen.
“And quite soon unless the red dragon is released,” continued Eryd.
“Where might the red fire dragon be found?” inquired Xen in alarm.
“I hoped you would know the answer to that,” said Eryd.
“Maybe Mernomus does. If you can get the antidote and revive him,” said Xen concernedly.
“It is a very rare potion…,” replied Eryd.
“Check the pockets of his robe, you might find something there,” said Xen.
With that, the elf Eryd began to carefully check the wizard’s pockets, extracting several vials and bottles of potions among other things. As the elf examined the vials and bottles one by one, Xen could not help but notice the sharply pointed ears poking out from under Eryd’s blond hair.
“Ah, this might be it…,” said Eryd.
“Well is it or not! We might not have much time…” interjected Xen.
“On that you’re right we need to release the red fire dragon soon. We have to try,” answered Eryd already administering the contents of the vial to the old wizard.
Moments later, the old wizard groaned and pulled himself up scratching his head. He tucked his wand back into one of his robe pockets and hastily gathered up the vials and bottles of potion sitting on the ground next to him.
“Did it work?” were the first world words out of the old wizard’s mouth, coming in a spaced-out sort of tone.
“The blue fire dragon has been released from the box, but where’s the red dragon, without him the world shall freeze,” replied Xen.
“The red dragon wasn’t released?” said Mernomus still sounding spaced-out.
“No, and we need to know how to release him now!” yelled Xen.
“Who are you?” asked Mernomus gesturing at Eryd.
“An elf, my name’s Eryd,” replied Eryd in a matter of fact tone.
“And what brought you here?” asked Mernomus.
“The blue fire dragon has been released, what else?” said Eryd.
“Any idea how to release the red dragon?” asked Xen.
“Try….Try turning the key the other way,” replied Mernomus.
Eryd without hesitation walked up to the box and began turning the key. It made a loud click and a glow began emanating from the box. At first, it was yellow, but it steadily grew redder.
“The antidote! What if you’re put in trance like Mernomus!” exclaimed Xen.
“Don’t worry…” replied Eryd calmly.
The glow from the box steadily grew in intensity as sparks flew into the sky. Suddenly, there came a rushing of blue fire in the sky as the blue fire dragon soared overhead. Ice crystals began to grow on everything in sight. Xen found himself shivering as the temperature suddenly and dramatically plummeted.
“What’s happening!” exclaimed Xen.
“The world’s freezing, what do you think!” yelled Eryd.
“If that red dragon doesn’t come out soon…” said Xen now more worried than ever. There is tension here. This is good.
“I know I know…,” replied Eryd.
The old wizard Mernomus had gotten up and had begun to pace about, still recovering from his trance. Eryd turned the key again as hard as he could. The glow from the box intensified, and then it exploded in light. There was a rush of red sparks comma and a dragon wrought of red flames flew into the sky, leaving an incredibly powerful burst of heat in its wake.
The glow from the box dimmed, Eryd the elf lay silently on the ground having been knocked into trance, his blond hair scattered upon the rapidly melting ice. A look of peacefulness was upon his fair face.
In the sky above the red and blue fire dragons dueled in cascading showers of sparks, eventually merging into one, showing in shades of red, orange, blue, and purple. This is poetical. I like the fact that they melt into one. Then came a flash that illuminated the sky as if in daytime. A moment later, darkness returned, the fire dragons were gone comma and no light but the stars shown in the sky.
A purplish glow illuminated the eastern sky, the very first sign of dawn. Xen stood over the elf who was locked deeply in trance.
“The Antidote….The Antidote!” yelled Xen.
“What?” asked Mernomus, now having nearly recovered from his own trance.
“We need the antidote to awaken Eryd!” exclaimed Xen.
The old wizard’s hand fumbled about his pockets extracting various crystal vials and bottles. He examined each of them comma and one by one, returned them to his pockets. When the wizard came upon his last vial, barely a quarter full with liquid, he paused.
“Ah, this is the stuff to break such a trance, semicolon though I may not have enough…” said Mernomus.
“Try…We have to try!” interjected Xen.
“That we will,” said Mernomus as he prepared to administer the last of the liquid in the vial.
Mernomus gave the last of the liquid in the vial to the elf and reached for his wand, casting aside the empty vial. Eryd stirred a bit, but seemed unable to fully come out of the trance. Mernomus shot a bolt of energy from his wand as Xen looked on worriedly.
“That’s odd, he’s not responding,” said Mernomus.
“Not responding!” gasped Xen with dread.
“We need more comma but I don’t have it,” replied Mernomus.
By now, the light in the eastern sky had grown brighter. The sun was about to emerge over the horizon heralding the start of a new day. A day without shadow demons in the gatehouse to the underworld, but unfortunately, it seemed, also without one of nature’s fairest creatures, the elf Eryd.
As the sun entered the sky comma there came a voice from behind, a calm and reassuring voice coming from a beautiful young lady saying, “Do not worry my friends everything will be alright Please check your dictionary because – I think – that “all right” is supposed to be two words. .”
From the young lady’s fair complexion, pointed ears and finely braded Check the spelling here. I think that it should be “braided,” but I’m a terrible speller. blond hair, it was apparent at once to Xen that she was an elf.
“I’m called Xen, who are…What’s your name comma fair lady,” said Xen in awe of her beauty.
“Calvyna’s my name; Eryd’s my brother…” said the elf lady.
“Your brother…I’m sorry…,” replied Xen.
“Do not worry my friend, Eryd did what he must to save this world,” said Calvyna peacefully.
“But we didn’t have enough antidote to get him out of trance…” said Xen.
“He’ll be alright all right? , don’t you worry,” came Calvyna’s reply.
After a final failed effort, the old wizard Mernomus turned and said “I’ve done all I can. He can’t be revived,”
“May I help?” asked Calvyna, having not yet been noticed by the preoccupied wizard.
“If a trance like his can’t be broken in time, he will surly slip into oblivion,” replied Mernomus solemnly upon noticing that Calvyna was an elf.
Without a further word, Calvyna kneeled before her brother’s head, gently stroking his hair. She pulled out a small crystal flask ornately inlaid with swirling lines of silver. She gave the liquid contained therein to Eryd, who at last sat up, blankly staring at his surroundings as if dazed.
“You broke the trance!” exclaimed Xen.
Turning to Xen, Calvyna said softly “Magic can be a dangerous endeavor, but don’t you worry, all is well…All is well, brave Xen.
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