spidey's (spidergirl) Reviews

spidey

Review Requests: ON

1,184 Public Reviews Given

1,616 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I attempt a well-rounded review where I look at the item from a writer's and reader's perspective. I'll tell you what I liked and what I think could be strengthened. I like to think I'm a courteous and helpful reviewer.

I'm good at...

attention to detail. If there's a typo, I'll find it!

Favorite Genres

Sci-Fi, Horror, Mystery, Thriller, Drama, Satire, and more

Least Favorite Genres

Romance, Religion, Sports

Favorite Item Types

Short Stories, Poetry, Essays

Least Favorite Item Types

Novels (I just don't have that much time)

I will not review...

There is very little I won't review. Try me!

126

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14 days may be credited.

#3039311

Review of Misunderstood

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (2.0)

Hi capt_maverick

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.

Overall Thoughts

Interesting "fan fiction" tale - a retelling of the origin of a famous movie character. I had a guess about the identity of the main character/narrator toward the end, and I was happy to see he was just who I thought he'd be. Cool!

Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.

But overtime I knew it was because of me
overtime

over time

I hide so no one would see me for weeks.
hide

hid

I couldn't help feeling a lot of detail was missing here. The most exciting parts of the story are just glanced over. You give almost no detail about the narrator's interactions with people. I would have liked a lot more detail in this. Just a suggestion.

Since this story is so well-known, you might want to consider adding a new perspective or some kind of new idea to the story to make it your own. I love that you tell the story from the boy's point-of-view, but I think you could take it even further. Make the reader really identify with him, then reveal who he really is. That's just one suggestion, but I really think you could strengthen the story by adding some kind of new element to the story.

My Rating

2.0 - A good base for a well-known story. For the story to be truly successful, in my opinion, you'll need to add more detail and perhaps make something unique to your retelling of this well-known mythology.

Thanks for sharing and good luck!

Sincerely,
spidey

127

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#3039253

Review of Crossing Styx

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi L.V. van Efveren

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.

Overall Thoughts

Normally I don't like the inclusion of "you" as a pronoun in a story (addressing the reader, like in your first sentence: "a half-hour drive will take you there"), but in this case, it works really well! It brings the reader into the story and makes it even creepier. Good choice!

Great description! I love the soft, eerie tone of the story. It has a bit of desperation in it, and I loved the ending, too! Great writing!

Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.

I latched on to his arm
I think "on to" should be

onto

until he resurfaced some way away.
This sounds a little awkward. Perhaps, "until he resurfaced some distance away." It's your call, of course.

as he fought his way forward, further and further away from me.
I believe "further and further" should be

farther and farther

I was a bit unclear on this line:
In my right hand I hold his ring, in my left, the pennies for the ferryman.
I get the pennies part (payment for crossing the river Styx), but I didn't get the ring part. What ring? Is there something I'm missing?

I had no idea the main character/narrator was a girl until the line, "He refused to be bested by a girl." For some reason, before this I assumed the narrator was male. Perhaps you could include something that identifies the gender earlier? Just a thought.

I have to wonder if some readers aren't goign to fully understand the end. I'm not sure if you could make it clearer without compromising your writing here. I don't think the end needs to be spelled out for the readers exactly, but I still wonder if some might not get it.

My Rating

4.0 - Great story! I really enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing and good luck!

Sincerely,
spidey

128

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#3034955

Review of Redeemed

Review by spidey

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi Shannon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.

Overall Thoughts

I love your intro! I think it gives the reader an idea of what to expect, and perhaps prepares them for the horrific themes in this story.

Very vivid detail. I found this to be quite suspensful and horrific. I kept having to slow my reading down. I wanted to race to the end to see what was going to happen. Good job!

I also like the use of lyrics to emphasize the action of the story. I hadn't heard of this band or the song before, but it seemed to fit quite well. Good choice!

Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.

I'm having a difficult time coming up with any suggestions. Your writing here is polished and presented quite well. I try my best to come up with something to suggest, though, so here it is: Something about the ending bugged me a tiny bit. She seems to have a change of heart, which I understand. She believes she's doing the right thing, listening to the words of her mother, but suddenly changes her mind ("Oh, God. What have I done?"). Why exactly does she change her mind? Does she truly believe she's done something wrong? Is her worry grounded in spiritual reasons (worry over the moral decision to take another life), or more earthly, perhaps because she'll go to jail or be without a family? I was curious about that.

My Rating

4.5 - An excellent story! Thanks for sharing and good luck!

Sincerely,
spidey

129

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#3034455

Review of First Kiss

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Tree Hugger

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.

Overall Thoughts

What an adorable story! As someone who has fished since she was very young, I could identify with several viewpoints in this story! I found this a delight to read. You have a good amount of detail, and I think most readers can identify with this story. Well done!

Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.

Grace sat back on her heels as she watched the tiny girl drop her line into the lake for the very first time. It seemed like just yesterday that her son Kurt walked onto the dock for the first time.
You have the phrase "first time" in both of these sentence (and the word "first" appears in the next sentence, as well). While it's not incorrect to repeat words like this, it does stand out to the reader. You may want to consider revising.

My only other suggestion concerns the main character, Grace. I couldn't tell her age from the start of the story. For some reason, I pictured her being younger. Then all of a sudden (to me), she was a grandmother. Perhaps this is just my own reading and assumptions, but you might want to consider making her relative age a little clearer early on in the story. Just my thoughts.

My Rating

4.0 - Great story! Thanks for sharing and good luck!

Sincerely,
spidey

130

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#3034351

Review of Escape over the Wansee

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi StephBee - House Targaryen

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.

Overall Thoughts

Excellent, concise writing. You do very well to convey a lot of detail and action using just enough words. I found your writing to be clear and straightforward, which matched the story perfectly.

I love how you used the image as inspiration for your story. This one wasn't predictable and it stood out to me. I found it interesting and it kept my interest throughout. Nicely done!

Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.

Soon after the war ended, the Soviets true desires came to light.
I believe an apostrophe is needed here

Soviets' true desires

Despite all the Soviets attempts
Same with this one:

Soviets' attempts

especially in Berlin where only a physical, concrete wall might be the only thing that would keep those unwanted out.
You have the word "only" twice here. While that's not incorrect to do so, it stood out to me. You may want to consider revising.

My name was Alstair Kent and I was British officer

There might be a word missing here. Perhaps "a" in between "was" and "British."

I tumbled over and over, and ribs felt as if they'd been pricked by a knife.
I think the word "my" should be inserted in between "and" and "ribs."

My only other suggestion would be to add more to this. To me, it felt a bit like a scene in a larger story. I'd love to know more about the main character, and his experience in the war. I think giving even more detail about Cpt. Alstair might draw the reader into your story even more. Just my thoughts.

My Rating

4.0 - Great story! Thanks for sharing and good luck!

Sincerely,
spidey

131

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14 days may be credited.

#3033446

Review of Breaking News

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi SaintLee

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.

Overall Thoughts

Wow, what a witty tale! I love the language in this. You've certainly captured a particular tone here, and I really enjoyed it. Clever puns and very well worded. Kudos!

I kept wondering where the prompt was going to fit here. I was almost certain it wouldn't, but then there it was! Good job coming up with something clever and unexpected!

Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.

I found this line confusing:
After receiving a bad review from one of his blogs the night before, this gentleman of limited mental means let the rage inside build to the point of going one blog too far.

How can you get a bad review from a blog? From a blogger, maybe? Or did he get a bad review of one of his blogs? Maybe I'm missing something here

but I wanted to let you know I was confused.

concerned onlookers and nay sayers
nay sayers

naysayers

One thing remains for certain in this strange tale of what’s that in whose who...
whose who

who's who

I'm not sure this fits into the "Short Story" category... It's written as a newspaper article and you list it as "Other," so I'm guessing you don't believe it's quite a story, either. While the "story" does have a beginning, middle, and end, in my opinion it doesn't fit the short story requirement of the contest.

My Rating

4.0 - Very clever entry! Thanks for sharing!

Sincerely,
spidey

132

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14 days may be credited.

#3032961

Review of Under The Boardwalk

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Tania

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.

Overall Thoughts

Good characterization through dialogue. Right from the start, the reader is given information about each character through their interaction and dialogue. Instead of coming out and saying, "Sammy is afraid of water," or "Amber wanted to help Sammy with her fear," you show this through their actions and dialogue. Well done!

I love how descriptive this is, how you show Sammy's emotions. I think the first-person point-of-view was a great choice for this! I could feel the anxiety in Sammy. I'm not afraid of water myself, but I could understand what it feels like through your writing. Very descriptive. Good job!

Loved the end! I was worried it would end with one of those "it was all a dream" endings, but I was very happy with the dark ending.

Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.

"Come on, you can see it perfectly," She said hooking her arm in mine.
"She" shouldn't be capitalized.

"You okay?" She asked with a crease in her brow.
Same with this one. She

she

"It's okay. I promise its not scary," she said after notcing I wasn't lying beside her.
its

it's
notcing

noticing

My stomach was still churning, but knowing that Amber was there to help me, gave me that little bit of courage
Remove the comma after "me"

"Good," I heard amber say beside me.
Capitalize "amber"

Amber

My heart beat was getting faster.
heart beat

heartbeat

I felt a flash of hot pain in my finger tips
finger tips

fingertips

My only other suggestion would be to make the story even darker. Add some very subtle clues earlier on to hint at the dark ending. I think that could increase the amount of suspense in the story. Just my thoughts.

My Rating

4.0 - Great story! I really enjoyed this! Thanks for sharing and good luck!

Sincerely,
spidey

133

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#3032399

Review of The Birthing Place

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi fyn

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.

Overall Thoughts

Awesome first paragraph! Such great imagery! It really grabbed me and set me up for the rest of the story. Very well done!

This is such an emotional, touching story! I really felt it, and I felt emotionally connected to the story and your writing. You've got great images and ideas here. I loved watching the geese grow and mature and the idea of birth vs. berth. It's subtle touches like these that make the story such a success, I think.

I loved the idea of a person being connected to water. I've also felt this strong connection, as I'm sure many have, too. I think this is an excellent theme, and many readers will relate to it.

Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.

Punctuation - I'm fairly certain quotation marks (" ") are grammatically correct to use around dialogue, instead of what look like apostrophes as you have here.

The first sentence didn't quite sound right to me:
The first time we saw the property was a grey, overcast kind of day.

To me, it would sound better if the word "it" was placed after the word "property," but it's up to you, of course.

Spelling:

The shelves were full of my books and nick-knacks.
nick-knacks

knick-knacks

Hope was as fleeting as the sun rise,' I said.
sun rise

sunrise

My Rating

4.5 - An excellent story! Thanks much for sharing your work, and good luck!

Sincerely,
spidey

134

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#3013363

Review of Itchy

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Happy April 2024!

!

Thanks for your entry in my contest, "Spidey's Weekly Poetry Contest"

[ASR]
This is my review for your entry, "Itchy"

[E]

Strengths

What a delightful, comedic poem! I like how lighthearted this is, and I think many can relate to it.

Great form! I love the rhyming couplets! It works very well with the subject matter.

The use of repetition adds to the comedic tone and unifies the whole poem. I think you've covered just about every aspect of "Itchy" here! Great job!

Title/Rating/Genres

Simple title & intro, tells the reader basic info about the item.

Genres & ratings are appropriate. I love "Nonsense" as a genre!

Suggestions
These are just the suggestions of one reader. The ultimate editing decision is up to the writer, of course. Feel free to use these or not.

My only qualm (and it's a small one) with this poem, is the line:

Itchy fingers do trouble make.

I personally don't like skewed syntax like this, as it sounds off to me. I know plenty of poets write like this, and it's in no way "wrong," but it's a personal preference of mine. If this were my poem, I'd find another line and another way to rhyme, but it's totally up to you.

My Rating

4.5 - Great poem! Thanks much for sharing!

As yours is the only entry, you've automatically won! I did really enjoy this poem, and I thank you for your entry!

Sincerely,
spidey

review sig by Ye Olde Curiosity & Magick Shoppe

135

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#3013345

Review of An Hourglass

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Happy April 2024!

!

Thanks for your entry in my contest, "Spidey's Weekly Poetry Contest"

[ASR]
This is my review for your entry, "An Hourglass"

[E]

Strengths

I love the strong & personal tone to this poem. Using "I" statements like this makes it feel very personal to the speaker of the poem, and the declarative statements gives the tone strength. Nicely done!

I like the form. This reads almost like a list of simple statements, but it comes across in a rather poetic way. The combination of those two is a difficult thing to accomplish, but you've done it very well here. Kudos!

I love the use of repetition here, too. Repeating words like "interlock" and the phrase "grains of sand" really worked for me in this poem. Good job!

Title/Rating/Genres

Great title & intro! The repeated phrasings and words really tie in with "meditation" from the intro. Nice touch!

Your ratings & genres are well-chosen and appropriate. If you wished, you could use additional genres, such as "Personal," "Nature," "Experience," and/or "Emotional."

Suggestions
These are just the suggestions of one reader. The ultimate editing decision is up to the writer, of course. Feel free to use these or not.

I have to suggest that you consider adding more. I enjoyed this so much that I really found myself wishing there was more. To me, it seems like you have a beginning and an end here, but no middle. I'd be interested to see more.

It may seem cliche, but I also thought it might be interesting to shape the poem like an hourglass by centering the text and using longer lines at the start and end with shorter lines in the middle. That would totally be up to you, though.

My Rating

4.5 - Excellent poem! I really enjoyed this!

Winners will be announced soon. Best of luck, and thank you for your entry!

Sincerely,
spidey

136

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#3013235

Review of Recovery

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Happy April 2024!

!

Thanks for your entry in my contest, "Spidey's Weekly Poetry Contest"

[ASR]
This is my review for your entry, "Recovery"

[E]

Strengths

A simply beautiful poem. This exudes a "gentle" tone, which fits the prompt perfectly. I could definitely feel the gentleness of the words as I read. Well done!

Good form! I like that the first and last lines are short, with a more descriptive, longer middle line. It felt perfect for the poem.

Your word choices create the perfect tone here. Using words like "wind" and "kindly" help create this tone. Good writing!

Title/Rating/Genres

Great title & intro! They captured my interest and made me want to read on.

Your ratings & genres are well-chosen. You could choose more genres if you wished, like "Environment," and/or "Emotional." It's up to you.

Suggestions
These are just the suggestions of one reader. The ultimate editing decision is up to the writer, of course. Feel free to use these or not.

My only suggestion would be to add more. I really felt like I got just a touch of what this is about, which is fine if that's your intention, but I couldn't help wanting more.

My Rating

4.0 - Great poem! Thanks for sharing your writing!

Winners will be announced soon. Best of luck, and thank you for your entry!

Sincerely,
spidey

137

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#2995532

Review of Angel With Broken Wings

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Sandy

!

Thanks for your entry in my contest, "Spidey's Weekly Poetry Contest"

[ASR]
This is my review for your entry, "Angel With Broken Wings"

[E]

Strengths

A beautiful, inspirational poem. I love what you're saying here. I think many can relate to this, and perhaps they can find comfort in it, too.

This has such a gentle feel to it, but one that is very strong, as well. The Angel's voice is so confident & friendly that it conveys this strong, gentle tone. Nicely done!

Interesting form. I did enjoy the rhymes (though I found the rhyme scheme to be a little inconsistent). For me, they added to the strength of the poem.

Grammar/Spelling
(These are suggestions with regard to my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

No where to turn, only to go back where I been
To me, it would sound more grammatically correct to insert the word "have" between "I" and "been."

Also, "No where" should be one word

Nowhere

Title/Rating/Genres

Good title & intro! They let me know what the poem was going to be about.

Your ratings & genres are also appropriate.

Suggestions
These are just the suggestions of one reader. Feel free to use them or not.

First, the form seemed inconsistent to me. Unless I'm missing something, like a particular form that you're following, the rhyme scheme shifted around quite a bit. I spent too much time trying to find the rhyme scheme that it shifted my attention from the subject of the poem. For me, I prefer a consistent rhyme scheme.

You have a number of "characters" in this poem - You have the speaker, the angel, and God. Yet you use "I" for all of them, in my understanding of the poem. This got a tad confusing to me. I'd suggest editing to clarify each. For instance, with these lines:

Where do I begin? For I want to be spared
Believe, Believe, A voice echoes
For I will lift the burden you bear

You have two "I" speakers here that are different characters. To clarify, you may want to use italics or even quotation marks to mark the dialogue spoken by the "voice." Like this:

Where do I begin? For I want to be spared
Believe, Believe, a voice echoes
For I will lift the burden you bear

See how that can make it clearer to the reader? Just my thoughts, of course.

One last suggestion - You may want to give a thought to punctuation in this poem. For me, punctuation can really affect the flow of a poem, as well as signalling to the reader where you intended thoughts to end and begin. Try experimenting with punctuation to see how it can affect your own reading of your work.

My Rating

3.5 - A solid poem. For me, the strength here is what you're saying. You do well to convey a great theme in a strong, yet gentle way (something that's not easy to do!), though I think a little work could be done to how you're presenting this. For me, the format could be strengthened just a little. I did enjoy reading this, and I thank you for sharing your work!

Winners will be announced soon. Best of luck, and thank you for your entry!

Sincerely,
spidey

138

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#2987896

Review of Delicious

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi jaya

!

Thanks for your entry in my contest, "Spidey's Weekly Poetry Contest"

[ASR]
This is my review for your entry, "Delicious"

[E]

Strengths

Wow, great word choices! I love the elegance of the poem, a gentle, sophisticated tone created by your excellent word choices. Words like "translucence," and "inanities" really affec the tone here. Well done!

I love the form! The irregular stanzas and non-rhyming fit the theme perfectly. To me, that kind of non-form fits with a nature theme very well. I also like the one rhyme (place and grace). Normally one rhyme like that would stand out to me, but it seems to fit nicely here. Nice choice!

Beautiful imagery, too! I could clearly see and feel everything this. Wonderful!

Title/Rating/Genres

Great title & intro! I like that you combined "delicious" with nature here. It's not what I expected, but it fits so well.

Your rating is fine. You could also use "Nature" as a genre, if you wished to do so.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

I honestly can't think of a suggestion for this poem, and I've really tried. This is perfect!

My Rating

5.0 - Excellent! Thanks for sharing your work!

Winners will be announced soon. Best of luck, and thank you for your entry!

Sincerely,
spidey

139

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#2987877

Review of Wafers (A Tyburn)

Review by spidey

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

Hi Koyel~writing again

!

Thanks for your entry in my contest, "Spidey's Weekly Poetry Contest"

[ASR]
This is my review for your entry, "Wafers (A Tyburn)"

[ASR]

Strengths

A cute, delightful poem! I love the lighthearted tone of the poem. I think many can relate to this.

I researched your form, tyburn, and you follow it exactly. I love the addition of the rhyming words, and the repeated use of them. For me, that added another depth to the poem, which I enjoyed. Good job!

Title/Rating/Genres

Good title & intro - they give direct information about the poem to the reader, by providing the form & theme.

Your genres are well-chosen, though instead of "Other," as a 3rd genre, you could perhaps use "Experience." Using as many genres as you can (that fit your subject) will help others find your poem while they're browsing genres.

Your rating can be changed, lowered to E, if you wished to do so. There's nothing in the poem that would require a higher rating.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

My only suggestion would be to add more. I enjoyed what you had here, and I suppose I just wanted more of what I enjoyed.

Maybe you could add more stanzas to add even more depth to the poem? Just a thought.

You may also want to include a brief explanation of the Tyburn form. It's not necessary, of course, but it can help your reader understand why you wrote the poem the way you did. Also, you might be teaching someone a new form of poetry!

My Rating

3.5 - Great poem! Thanks for sharing your work!

Winners will be announced soon. Best of luck, and thank you for your entry!

Sincerely,
spidey

140

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#2978014

Review of The Evil Foreshadow

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Puja

!

Thanks for your entry in my contest, "Spidey's Weekly Poetry Contest"

[ASR]
This is my review for your entry, "The Evil Foreshadow"

[E]

Strengths

You've done very well in capturing the essence of "portent" in this poem! There's a good deal of suspense here, one that leaves the reader left wanting to know what's going to happen. Good job!

I like the rhyme scheme here. It creates a nice rhythm to the poem. Well done!

I also like the negative tone to the poem, and how you create such a negative side to the word "portent." Though portents often are a foreshadowing of a tragic or negative event, they don't have to be negative. You've gone a step further and labeled the forshadowing itself as evil, which I found very interesting.

Grammar/Spelling
(These are suggestions with regard to my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

to take away hundreds of breath!
Technically "breath" should be plural ("breaths"), though I understand why you kept it singular, so it would be a true rhyme. Still, it stood out to me.

Rapid rain drops Heavy and huge,
I don't know why "Heavy" is capitalized here. Perhaps it's an oversight?

Title/Rating/Genres

Interesting title! It caught my attention and it sets up the poem well for the reader.

Ratings & genres are appropriate, though you could choose more genres if you wished to do so. Adding more genres will make the poem more easy to find for others who are browsing genres. I'd suggest "Nature," "Tragedy," and even "Suspense."

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

Some of your spacing seemed a bit off. First, I don't think the double spacing is necessary, but that's up to you. I think you have a few extra spaces between some words, too. You might want to take another look over your poem as it appears on the site.

I couldn't help wanting more of your poem, more detail & depth. You have such an interesting premise here, the "evil foreshadow," one that I've not seen anywhere else, but for me, it seems like it's only an introduction. Perhaps you could compare the foreshadow to something else? Or talk about its past as a portent of destruction? Also, only natural disasters are mentioned here? What about man-made events? You've really got me interested here!

My Rating

3.5 - A good poem! I love the idea of this poem! Thanks for sharing your work.

Winners will be announced soon. Best of luck, and thank you for your entry!

Sincerely,
spidey

141

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#2970960

Review of Martha Jane Cannary-Burke

Review by spidey

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi Lou-Here By His Grace

!

Thanks for your *almost* entry in my contest, "Spidey's Weekly Poetry Contest"

[ASR]
I thought I'd take a look at your poem, even though it was posted after the deadline. After reading it, I just had to send a review!
This is my review for your poem, "Martha Jane Cannary-Burke"

[18+]

Strengths

So cool! When I posted "calamity" as the prompt, I wondered if anyone would touch on "Calamity Jane," but I certainly didn't expect a history lesson on the person the nickname is based on! I found this to be very interesting! I love how you combine history with imagery to make a very successful poem!

Great form! I love the lack of rhyme, yet you have a structure with the centered lines & separated stanzas. Fits with the character of "Calamity Jane" quite well, I think.

I also enjoyed the repetition of that first stanza. As Martha's history is revealed and the stanza is repeated, it takes on new meaning for the reader. Very well done!

Title/Rating/Genres

Excellent title & intro! Grabs the reader's attention and gives good information.

Rating change required! This needs an 18+ rating, as you reference violence and include the word "kill" in here. Please up the rating or edit your poem so the current rating is okay.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

None! I love this just as it is!

My Rating

5.0 - Such a great poem! I think this deserves an award, truly. I see by your handle that you're nearing the end of your membership, though. Would you like an awardicon for your poem, or gps? I'd very much like to award you for sharing this poem with me.

Sincerely,
spidey

142

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14 days may be credited.

#2970866

Review of =The vicious day of the cherry bees=

Review by spidey

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi Violet Rising

!

Thanks for your entry in my contest, "Spidey's Weekly Poetry Contest"

[ASR]
This is my review for your entry, "=The vicious day of the cherry bees="

[18+]

Strengths

I can honestly say I've never read anything quite like this, and that's a compliment! This is quite creative, and you certainly seem to have a way with words here.

I like your characterization and the way you describe the characters, the way you show them to the reader.

Again, creativity abounds with your repetitions, sounds, and punctuation. You certainly set a unique tone with this, one that I enjoyed very much.

Grammar/Spelling
(These are suggestions with regard to my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

Since much of poetry is about breaking the rules, I can't be certain whether your "errors" here are intentional or not. If they are, feel free to ignore my suggestions here.

Punctuation. Punctuation belongs inside quotation marks. For instance:

that he is an expert to this state”.

should be:

that he is an expert to this state."

Your tense shifts quite a bit here, and again, I'm not sure if this is intentional. You switch quite a bit from past to present tense and back again. It gets difficult to follow the "story" of your poem here.

Title/Rating/Genres

Excellent title! I definitely wanted to read this one after seeing the title.

Good picks for your ratings & genres, appropriate and fitting.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

Okay, I have to ask: Is this poetry? It's listed as a poem and entered in a poetry contest, but to me, it reads more like creative fiction. That's just one reader's interpretation, but if you're wanting people to accept this as poetry, you may be pressed upon to alter its format to fit more of the standard poetic form. That's not saying you'll be required to do that - you're the author, it should have any format you wish. I'm just letting you know that you may end up facing opposition with this one.

I'm guessing that it's your intention to be vague & mysterious with this poem, but honestly, I hadn't a clue as to what was going on here. I do like pieces that baffle me, but I think you may want to make the "story" a tad clearer in this. Just my thoughts.

My Rating

3.5 - A rather interesting, unique piece. I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing your work!

Winners will be announced soon. Best of luck, and thank you for your entry!

Sincerely,
spidey

143

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14 days may be credited.

#2970781

Review of Find Me

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Papillon

!

Thanks for your entry in my contest, "Spidey's Weekly Poetry Contest"

[ASR]
This is my review for your entry, "Find Me"

[E]

Strengths

I love how personal this poem feels. I'm not sure if this is about you, but it feels like it is. It comes across as a very personal struggle. I think, though, that many can also relate to this, too.

I loved this line:

Sent my valediction to yesterday

The other lines in your poem are fairly straightforward ("I'm standing . . . ," "I'm fighting . . . ," etc.), but this one stood out to me as very meaningful and potent. I would have liked to see more lines like this in your poem.

Title/Rating/Genres

Nice title & intro. They give good information to the reader and pulls them into the poem.

Your ratings & genres are appropriate, though I would list this as "Poetry," rather than "Other." Members may be able to find your poem more easily if it's listed under the "Poetry" item type.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

Like I said above, I'd love more lines like the first line of the second stanza. For me, many of your lines are straightforward, "telling" statements, which is fine. It gives information directly to the reader. For me, though, if I want to feel what's being said in a poem, I need more sensory description and more emotion conveyed through lines like that one I pointed out. If you are planning on revising, I'd suggest looking at those "telling" statements and see if there's a way you can "show" those lines & emotions to the reader. Just my thoughts.

You may also want to think about using punctuation in your poem. I know a lot of writers shy away from it, particularly in poetry, but I feel it can really help the flow of a poem. Try experimenting with punctuation on your own, and read the poem aloud. See how it can affect your reading with different punctuation marks. Again, the ultimate choice is yours, of course.

My only other concern is that I couldn't see a clear connection to the prompt. This round's prompt was "calamity," and I couldn't see an obvious inspiration in your entry.

My Rating

3.5 - Great poem! Thank you for sharing your work!

Winners will be announced soon. Best of luck, and thank you for your entry!

Sincerely,
spidey

144

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14 days may be credited.

#2968127

Review of A Taste of Autumn

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there TheNung

Welcome to Writing.Com! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

This is my review for "A Taste of Autumn"

Overall Thoughts:

This item caught my eye due to its intro - "A poem dedicated to my late grandmother." I recently lost my grandmother, so that line grabbed me right away. I'm very glad I took a look at your poem, as it touched me. I found it very thoughtful and beautiful.

I love the form of this poem! I'm a big fan of free verse, and I like how you use spacing to influence the flow of the poem. It's a great read! I hope to read more of your poetry soon!

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.
(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

My only suggestion would be to take the creative spacing even further. I think it added a great touch to the poem, and I'd love to see more! Just my thoughts.

My Rating

4.5 - An excellent poem! I'm very glad I came across this today. Though it has a somber tone, it did bring a smile to me as I remembered my own grandmother.

Sincerely,

"Noticing Newbies"

[13+]
"Reviewing @ Writing.Com"

[E]
"Content Rating System (CRS)"

[13+]

145

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14 days may be credited.

#2944454

Review of Christmas Songs

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.5)

What a great quiz!! I consider myself pretty well-versed in Christmas songs. I spend a lot of time listening to them, anyway... I got 11 out of 15 songs correct which isn't bad at all!

You have a great mix of questions here, difficult with not-so-difficult, and all made me sing a little to myself.

My only suggestion, if pressed to come up with one, would be to add a little more festive WritingML or perhaps an image or two. Really, the quiz is fine as it is, though.

Thanks for the fun, and Happy Holidays!

~ spidey

146

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14 days may be credited.

#2942746

Review of On Being Thankful

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi JudyB

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.

Overall Thoughts

Wow, what a touching, heartfelt essay! I commend your bravery and your positive outlook. It is truly something to be admired, and I think your heroic example could be an inspiration to many.

I like the bit of history included here, how you grew up and such. It really helps personalize this essay.

Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.

unlike so many who leave their homes in the morning, only to have their life snuffed instantly in a car accident or from a heart attack.
I believe "life" should be "lives" here.

Just a little thing - rather than "Contest" as a genre, I think "Contest Entry" would fit a little better.

My only other concern with this piece is that it reads more like an essay, rather than the "non-fiction story" the contest requires for a successful entry. I do think this essay could easily be turned into a story for readers to learn about your experience, your strength, and your positive thinking.

My Rating

4.5 - An excellent essay! Thanks for sharing.

Sincerely,
spidey

147

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14 days may be credited.

#2942537

Review of Balancing Act

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi Just an Ordinary Boo!

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.

Overall Thoughts

This is an excellent story which illustrates the prompt perfectly. I truly enjoyed reading this.

I like that this is told in a successful story format. I liked the use of inner dialogue, with different fonts for each voice, and I enjoyed use of words like "Splish" and Splosh" to help create a certain tone.

I love that this story has a positive message in the end. Though the narrator (you) struggles, there is a positive conclusion.

Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.

Footsteps thudded in the corridor outside and although I would have cowered in instinctive fear in the past; today I relaxed, logged out and stood up.
I think the semi-colon should be a comma instead.

They allowed themselves to be led off for what I called ‘quiet time’.
The period should be inside the quotation mark

"quiet time."

My Rating

5.0 - An excellent piece! Thank you for sharing this!

Sincerely,
spidey

148

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14 days may be credited.

#2937964

Review of The Last Show

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi hagantx

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.

Overall Thoughts

What a good story! I liked how personal this felt, yet I could totally relate to it. See, I'm a music fan who passionately supports local bands and musicians. I would have been one of those one hundred people there at that last performance.

It was great for me to see what it's like from the other side of the experience. I think you did a great job of explaining how it felt for you and the rest of your band as you performed on stage for the last time together.

I think this one paragraph summed it all up perfectly:
There may have been some missed notes, some erroneous cymbals hit, and an off-pitch vocal or two, but no one noticed. The live show was what we lived for, and this was our last one.

I like how you combine the story of the last performance with some background information on each of the members and then information on what became of them after that last show, as well. It made it feel more complete to me. Without all that extra information, I would have been left wondering. Good choice!

Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.

The lights over the crowd lowered, and soon all that we could see were the bright lights that display
You have the word "lights" twice here in one sentence. It's up to you, of course, but I'd suggest considering using another word for one of them.

The show was on a side stage in front of one-hundred people.
I believe the dash in "one-hundred" isn't needed.

My Rating

4.0 - A good story! I could certainly relate to this. Thanks for sharing!

Sincerely,
spidey

149

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14 days may be credited.

#2937961

Review of A Stretch of Hard Weather

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi katwoman45

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.

Overall Thoughts

This "story" has the simultaneous effect of feeling very personal, yet something to which many, I think, can relate. I know I can, as I've had my own bouts with panic and anxiety. You've captured it very well. Although the experience(s) are quite personal to you, I can see a little of my own experience in this, too.

This is very well written. Several times I had to slow my reading down, to look closely at the writing in order to review it. I kept wanting to just read for enjoyment.

I also found your writing to be colorful and descriptive, which I think helps the reader connect with your experience and emotions through the story. I particularly liked phrases like "a future that looked to be as smooth as glass-topped lake without a ripple or the ever-expanding rings of some unexpected happening."

I also like how you connect this with weather and seasons. That brought a nice image to my mind while I read through this.

Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.

My only suggestion would be to direct this more toward a "story" feel, as that was the requirement for the contest. To me, it read a little more like a personal essay than a story, though not enough to break the requirement of the contest. It didn't exactly have a clear beginning, middle and end (in my opinion), but I can see where it would fit a story form.

My Rating

4.5 - An excellent entry! I loved that this felt personal, yet I think many can relate to it. I hope it helps your readers to know what you went through. I enjoyed this very much. Thanks for sharing!

Sincerely,
spidey

150

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14 days may be credited.

#2937957

Review of "FREEDOM"

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Oldwarrior

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.

Overall Thoughts

This is a very touching re-telling of real events. I felt drawn into this immediately, and what kept me focused on what happened was the personal way in which you tell your story. Very well done!

I particularly liked the "human" touches you put into the story. While a good bit of the story is matter-of-fact reporting of events, there were moments that brought a human element into it. For instance:

At one point (yes - just like in the movies)

This helped reinforce that this was something that happened to you; it helped make this more personal.

You did well to incorporate the prompt into this, and I like how it ends. It is summed up well with what you gained through the experience.

Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.

and McDonald’s and Burger King was on every corner.
You have an extra space after "McDonald's"
I believe "was" should be

were

To our surprise, a number of strong men begin to beat them severely with bamboo poles.
"begin" should be

began

and my grandmothers piercing blue eyes.
"grandmothers" needs an apostrophe

grandmother's

I also thought of my baby son lying safely in bed at home, warm, well fed, loved and above all - safe.
I believe "well fed" should be

well-fed

A great title, but I'm not sure you need it in quotes nor all capital letters. It's up to you, of course, but I believe it's unnecessary.

My Rating

4.0 - An excellent non-fiction piece that illustrates the prompt quite well. I enjoyed reading this, and I thank you for sharing it with me.

Sincerely,
spidey