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Printed from https://p15.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sodette
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26 Public Reviews Given
26 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I give constructive criticism of your work. I will be very honest but polite. When I read a story I ask myself if this is something I would pay to read in a magazine or an online venue. If it is, I will tell you why, if not I will tell you why it's not. Please do not send me rough drafts. If it is not a finished copy, then I don't want to see it because the errors tend to be too distracting from the actual story.
I'm good at...
I am good at giving feedback as to if it is a good story or not, and why that is the case. I tend not to delve too much into grammar, but will point out if it is something obvious.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Experimental, Literary
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Poetry (I do not know enough about it to give a good review so please, no poetry), Erotica, Torture porn
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, possibly novellas if they are less than 15,000 words.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Novels. I just don't have the time to read novels at the moment, but if that were to change, I will update this section.
I will not review...
Romance, torture porn, novels, erotica (see above to get an overall idea of what I prefer.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Crystal Heart  
Review by Shawn Odette
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Great story! A couple of typos but even that does not detract from the brilliance of your style and story-telling ability. I look forward to reading more of your work.
2
2
Review of The Twist  
Review by Shawn Odette
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
First, let me say, I enjoyed the story quite a bit more than I thought I would. In fact, I read it four times and the more I looked to find something to disliked about it, the more evident it became that there was nothing for me to disliked about it. It is simple, whimsical, short and to the point; a fun bit of back and forth. And that is the word in a nutshell: fun!

The simplicity of the story is what originally put my hackles up, and I honestly wanted to not like the story because of it, which is why I kept reading it over until I gave up and realized it is a well written story with no grammatical errors that I noticed. Yes, the story is silly, yes the format is unusual, but it all fits together well to make an enjoyable read. (Plus, I am a fan of unusual and experimental styles) I would even go so far as to say that with the right audience (and you would have to do a LOT of research to find it) I could see someone accepting this for publication.

I usually don't review a piece without giving some kind of constructive criticism, but I have nothing to suggest. If the story was any longer, it would quickly become boring, and any shorter and it would be too bland. The content was interesting and held my interest. The grammar and dialogue seem to be without flaw. Great job!
3
3
Review of Promised Land  
Review by Shawn Odette
Rated: E | (3.0)
You have certainly put a lot of thought and planning into the make-up of the ship and its systems, and have done a wonderful job describing it to the reader. There are a couple of things I would like to offer as assistance.

The first is that you use passive verb tense throughout the story. You should do your best to shy away from that, and instead use active tense so that it brings action and tension to the reader. Active verbs are actions that are doing things, while passive tense is taking away from the action. An example of this is:"He had been awaken at 5 AM by the beeping of his console." Instead, say, "The beeping of the console awoke him from his restful/restless (depending upon how you want to set the mood) slumber. "Five o'clock already," he groaned, rubbing his eyes as he sat up in his small, but comfortable cot bolted to the wall of his cramped sleeping quarters."

The second thing is a lack of action or build-up to action. I do understand that you are describing the ship, and you have done so wonderfully, but you need to give some foreshadowing of a future conflict, and build some details into the main character as well. We know his name is Caleb, and that he is a 40 year old male, and is one of twelve pilots from earth, but is he tall? Is he ruggedly hansom despite a crooked nose as a result of one too many bar fights? Does he look forward to the journey? Is he leaving something/someone behind? I encourage you to ask yourself at least twenty questions about your main character and find a way to answer at least three or four of them every time you have a chapter dedicated to his point of view, assuming this is going to be a novel.

I am a huge fan of quantum physics, and I enjoy seeing the reference to quantum entanglement. I would encourage you to also study more into the ways of future technology, and you can do so quite easily with material that is easily understood. First is a website call futuretimeline.net. It is a fascinating site that takes developing technology and combines it with leading scientists who speculate what the future may hold. The second source is a lecture that can be found on youtube.com by a theoretical physicist named Michio Kaku entitled, "The Future of the Mind". It is not a very long lecture, but it is absolutely fascinating. Michio as fantastic speaker. I promise that you will not be bored! Both of these should give you a lot of material to help get those creative juices flowing!

In all, I think you have a good premise and have certainly got all the details down of the delivery vessel, and all it contains. Now, add some drama, add some danger, add some action, and lets see where the story goes!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review by Shawn Odette
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
You have such a great perspective on things; another great read! I do have a few recommendations for this for you to review and see what you think. All in all, it is a vivid and emotional work. As the reader, I feel as though I am seeing this event through your eyes. I really enjoy your style of writing. As for my recommendations, they are as follows:

2nd paragraph:
You say you have several requirement of a place to store your life, but only mention one. You could start the next sentence with something like: But tops on that list.... This way it is saying you are only going to address that one requirement and not several.

"With little fuss and two very...." Needs a comma after fuss.

3rd paragraph:
Instead of I'll, change to I will. Literary stories and essays are more highly scrutinized for their grammatical content by publishers, and almost across the board publishers hate contractions unless it is a part of dialogue. Also in the same sentence, change it's to it is.

After the time of 6:45 P.M. the word But is capitalized. Change that to a lower case "b" and add a comma after the P.M. (P.M., but...)

The sentence,"One minute you're on...." is a fragment. Also, change you're to you are.

Toward the end of the paragraph you use the word "change" twice in sentences that are close together. Try to rewrite one of the sentences or use a synonym for one of the words "change". It damages the flow of a story when you use the same word in close proximity to each other.

4th paragraph:
Both of the sentences "Caring, loving people.", and "Prayerful, supportive people." are sentence fragments.

I hope this helps, and I hope you don't take my criticism as negative or mean spirited, my intent is quite the opposite. I am trying to give you an idea of what changes to make if you intend to send this out for publication.

Have a great holiday. I know you said you have a difficult time with this time of year, but I sincerely hope that this is the year that it all changes for you, and that you find a way to enjoy the season once again.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review by Shawn Odette
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a fantastic essay! Your representation of the leaves as a reflection of your own life experiences is described in such vivid detail that I could see each leaf as if they were setting on my desk in front of me. It is equal part bravery and therapeutic for you to display this work for the public to see, and I am glad to have read it. I apologize again for the delay in response for this review. From a critical stand-point, I see nothing that I would change. I did not see anything grammatically either, but I intend to look it over again and I will let you know if I find anything.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
Review by Shawn Odette
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
A good story with a good moral lesson. With that aside, I hope I can offer a couple of tips. First is, the story reads as though you write the way you talk. We talk to communicate every day and people come to know us by our manner of speech, but for some odd reason that never seems to translate well in the context of writing. Unless it is part of dialogue, do not write how you talk. I think this rule comes from one part traditional literary writing techniques, and one part stuffy literary elitism. It is a silly rule in some regards, but if you are writing in with the idea of someday being published, it is a rule to live by. The second thing I would like to point out is your tendency to be overly descriptive. A short story is just that: short! Go back and look at the sentences and see how you can trim down the word count but still convey the message. In a short story, the reader wants it fast paced and to the point. They are reading a short story because it is just that, short, and time is of the essence. Also, readers tend to get a bit insulted by over describing things. As a writer you want to make sure your idea comes across exactly the way you intended, but a reader wants to be able to paint a mental picture as well and can get the idea with fewer, but bolder descriptions. ie: instead of "the wind blew in strong gusts that seemed like it was going to knock over the faded red barn made of old yellow pine", just say, "the howling wind threatened to topple the old barn". Let the reader determine what an old barn looks like. It helps them get more engaged in the story.

I hope this helped, and I hope to see more of your works in the future. Thank you for sharing this story with me!

Shawn
7
7
Review by Shawn Odette
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. Let me start off by saying I really enjoyed the story. It was short and sweet with an ending I did not predict. It had good flow, and the content kept me reading to the very end. There are some issues with sentence structure and word repetition as well as a couple of areas of over descriptiveness. I would advice giving it a couple more rounds of editing to maybe work on these things, but all in all it was a very interesting read. Again, thank you for sharing your work, and please do not take my criticism as being rude or mean. My intent is simply to offer suggestions to make a good story great!

Shawn
8
8
Review of The Difference  
Review by Shawn Odette
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Good story! I could feel the uneasiness as you described the "offness" of her surroundings. The way you built up the tension to it's unexpected ending was masterful! I am trying to think of a criticism to give in order to help out with making the story better, but I can honestly say there is nothing that comes to mind. I enjoyed it thoroughly, and I think you are a very talented writer. This is one of the best stories I have read since I joined the site. I look forward to reading more from you.

Shawn
9
9
Review by Shawn Odette
Rated: E | (3.0)
It is a humorous scene, but certainly more of a snippet of a story rather than a full story contained within itself. I absolutely get the ending, and love the reference. All in all, it was a good read, with a good setup, to an unpredicted ending. Keep on writing!

Shawn
10
10
Review by Shawn Odette
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow! And I don't mean that to be taken lightly! I enjoy this genre immensely, but find that most of the stories seem to be cut from the same mold. Rarely do I come across an idea or style that varies to any great extent, but you have done just that. Just going from the information provided in this chapter has left me wondering where this story goes from here. There are so many possibilities that you have presented that I am beyond intrigued. I very much encourage you to continue writing this story! You have a diverse array of characters and personalities that have so much potential for growth and independently arching story-lines just from the handful of characters you introduced in this chapter alone. I recommend that you explore the possibilities and potentials of each character. Bring them to life by intensifying the conflict that already exists between them. It is a daunting task trying to keep each personality unique and true, but one trick I have found to help keep them separate is to assign a real life person to each character so that you have a ready made model to go by. Ask that real-life person how they would react to a situation or scenario, etc.

As for the chapter itself, you have several grammatical errors that need corrected, but the dialogue is fantastic, and the back and forth between the characters is well done. I would say to finish the novel, and then come back to each chapter individually and start polishing them up. The most important thing though is to get the novel on paper then go back and start editing. If I can be of further assistance, I would be glad to help. I hope this was useful to you.

Shawn
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