Hey Chad,
For the first time since I was a newbie, I visited the 'Noticing Newbies' forum, and you were at the top, having posted the last entry. A quick click to your port and I found this little gem. But first though, welcome to WDC! This is a great site for writers in general, but also a great place to meet people and improve your writing skills. I'm not near as active as I once was, but I'm active enough to keep me happy.
You mention that some of your stories that are posted elsewhere because they're too large to post here. Writing.com (WDC) has different levels of membership, you get a free one when you join, but you can upgrade if you wish. The basic free one does have a lot of limitations, but when you think about it, Storymaster (a play on Webmaster of course) runs this from home, and wants the members to enjoy all things writing, while at the same time, providing him an income. I don't know what your plans are for your membership, nor will I ask. I encourage you to do what is right for you, right for what you want to do. But higher level memberships (which cost $ of course, or GP's, WDC's 'money') allow you to post larger items. Some members have books on here that are novel length! Now, on to a review of your story.
Your first chapter here is quite something! Well written for the most part, with a few minor errors that you might want to look at. The biggest question in my mind, is what the heck is TF? That's beside the point though. I suspect TF is Teen Fiction, but we'll see. Your story is well written, flows nicely, and while the dialog is limited, it's because for the most part, Keith was alone in the story. You did a nice job in showing us what he was thinking, what he went through in his transformation and such. As I mentioned, there are a few things you might want to look at, should you decide to edit this. There is one I didn't include below, mainly because I'm not certain my comment would be correct. There is one place in your story (toward the end) that you used the word 'anyways'. I think (Emphasis on think) it should be singular, anyway.
1. I let out a few choice curse words to top off my rent. Rent should be rant.
2. I let out I yelp as a beheld the supernatural phenomena before me, backing up against the cabinets. A pan fell clattered on the tile but I didn't hear it. First, I think a slight rearranging of the first sentence is needed. It doesn't 'read right' to me. My suggestion/thoughts on it. Backing up against the cabinets, I let out I yelp as I beheld the supernatural phenomena before me. Notice I changed the lower case a to I. This occurred in a couple of places in this part of the story. In the second sentence here, you need the word 'and' between fell, and clattered.
3. Panic began to bubble up inside of me as a caught a glimpse of the hand that had wielded the puppet if you could even call it a hand. This is another place where you mixed up a, and I.
4. A painful crack in my right foot that finally forced my attention away from the door and onto this new source of misery. You need to remove the word 'that'. It's not needed, nor does it make sense as written.
5. The pain caused me to fall on my recently cleaned floor, rolling around as I unleashed a barrage of extremities that could have sunk a ship. Extremities should be expletives.
Overall, this is an excellent story that flows very well, and could be read by about anyone. I really enjoyed it, thank you for sharing!
Sum1
WDC POWER RAIDER
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