I am a keen , even tiresome promotor of the habit of rereading your work , once you consider it ' over 'n done ' . Always reread it once more .
The advice is from experts as well as me . The reason for this advice is simple . If you were to reread , slow , preferably aloud , you should find this ;
ie ; " I have noticed , that no matter what we are doing , whether .... " " ... to that anger - let it go - like .... " ( an idea ) Reread - there may be more .
You tend to use a lot of commas , so do I . I would suggest alternative ' links ' ie ; ( - ) or appropiate words , of which there are quite a few available .
If you are not sure of these ' links ' , conjunctions is such a long word , please - do e- mail me , then I will supply the list . The last ' link ' to use is
" and ' . It is suggested that ' and ' should only be used when it is absolutely the only word to use .
I am leaving this world whereas you are now only starting to really row your own boat . Your comment as to ' growing , maturing as well as shining ,
that is an excellent approach . To that I will add ; " Let all know you by your ways - be wary of strange ways . "
Other than that , I agree . When you get to my end of this lollipop called life , I enjoyed it even the hard bits . Still do not know what the point is anyway .
Your writing is good . Play with it , expound it more , this is worth more than ' haf a page ' .
Smoking as a friend . I have had a smoke for so many years , - people do not even grow that old - , thats how long . I have stopped cold turkey ' three years now .
I started at a very , very young age . To be what ? I have never really managed to get to that beginning , why does one start to smoke .
Not that it is something you enjoy from the first drag . You have to work at it before it means something . Then it has you , and you it . Friends for life .
Edit comment ; Do use more spacing between paragraphs . It looks neater , reads easier as well the price is the same . The presentation is better .
Punctuation ; Commas . I am accussed of overdoing commas . Your use is well balanced but a few are required and even some can be left out .
ie. ; ' However until then , let me ... ' or ' However , until then , let me ... ' or as you have it now . Depending where you want the emphasis .
Reread once or twice more , there is not much wrong , ( those rabbits were ' big ' - weren't they ? ) You write well and except for the snow , I too had
to sneek out for a quiet chat with my friend . As for the rest of the story , strange how there are parallel worlds , years apart . I enjoyed the ' read '
that is what you should aim for . Entertain to the best of your ability with this talent . Then you will have the satisfaction of knowing - I CAN .
Chemistry , take two elements that can , put them together , you get boom . Sparks fly , explosion - bang , the smoke clears ....is that it ? Sometimes it is , just that . Sometimes a bond , a new combination , that will stand the test of time , that is true chemistry .
Tenses , read through , have a look ,eg. ... laughed , joked , chilled ... .One spelling ( typo )... talking ...
I would like to suggest that you look at something . Block writing is never popular , as it is more
difficult to read plus it looks daunting .
Do it as prose . Put two sentences in a row and space inbetween . Let us try ....
When we met it was strange and unusual . We begin talking and we click .
" I felt that I can tell you anything . then I got to know you better ,
and you dissapeared on me like a magic trick " . ' I finally found him ' ,
I say to myself . I want though - to get him to know him more ,.........( etc )
What do you think ? Do try spacing in some way . Reread your writing . There are no major issues .
You write well , more work on the presentation - that is it .
South Africa , land of the free , 11 official languages , the best Democracy ever .
Hi , again . I am born - British - ( half English - half Afrikaans ) . I farm . What a nice soup pot Africa is .
I have looked at more of your work , which in turn led me to ' Futrboy ' . Which in itself was very impessive and good writing .( i o him a future visit )
As we live in an everchanging world , politics ,I think , is of no value - and has never been .Some will give it value . I do not .
I am impressed with your writing . Sunsets at my home , is a daily wonder , I live in the flatness of the Free State ,
To the West is only a horizon , the wonder never stops . What a blessing everyday .
I am no expert at poetry , but yes , the time is now , if the youth do not save themselves , I do not think we will .
The pilot of a plane to nowhere , somewhere ? , but fly we must , till the end , as pilot or passenger .
Personally , my perception is here is too varied too dicuss , within a space or medium limit .
That society is going to pay a price for this account , that is true , the account is still to come .
Give it to the children , they can pay , maybe their children can pay .Where does it stop .
You said with you , now , here . I wish you well - with that undertaking , your task is only now starting ,
every day a new day . Here and now . You will need help along the way , it is there . There are true people who help . Pilots do not fly on their own . They need lots of help on the way . This is a passenger plane .
Well written , there will be no edit ( minor items , a few . ) if you want it ,fine . Request will be granted .
This is already an item with it's own history , to change it will serve no purpose .
An interesting subject , which I still debate daily . When you are the pilot .you are the ' responsible person '
Then you are the boss .You do not make mistakes . If anybody disagrees ,let them think ,till they agree .
Hi,
Almost like saying to Michelangelo , "hey , you missed this spot " .
We rarely achieve perfection , this story is truly very moving , pretty , and inspirational .
As a father , and having an apple , she was pushed into a bath of very hot water at about seven years old .
She was fortunate and only burned her hand , shoulder and one leg , the marks are still there , they had healed well .
This incident , hope it has no bad ending . I enjoy being a parent , having such gifts , sometime tho ........madness .
Minor edit comment ;
Capital ; Daddy ,x2 .
...their window...my wife and me ...so hard for - ? ...saw it ( lamb )
Surely the doctor would have taken the doll very gently ...to grab... not I think .
We are not in isolation , sometime , it only feels that way .
Hope things improve for you ,
Regards to you and yours ,
RICH,j2rr
Hi,
How well do you reread ?
A few nitpicky comment , A few commas short , A slow thorough reread will show them .
Suggest ;... how much , he couldn't tell...might come by ...
Consider splitting para 6 ; at ...shaking - In his...
Space ; para 4 ; blood...He...
As you say , a first write , maybe this will speed things up a bit .
Otherwise , an enjoyable read so far . Waiting to see where you go with this .
Keep me up to date .
Regards,
RICH,j2rr
Hi,
Let us look an edit comment.
How well do you reread , suggest that you reread your work thoroughly . As we are not fortunate to have our editors , we must do the best we can.
With a good reread you would find ;
Capitals , I find eight.
Spelling-typo : over heard / in case / never owned / took Stew's / game they might find / whole world / also saw what / on his / haste left / and the brother / sole .
I am sure that a good reread would have picked all the items . It does influence the rating you receive.
Spacing is a thing to look at . Most readers tend not to read an item that is not well spaced .
Interesting story , would like to see the rest .
I am rating the story only , not the presentation . I do go on about rereading , reread , it does help .
Regards,
RICH,j2rr
Hi,
For a moment I was concerned,but then I remembered,They make only so many of a kind.
Will could well be my twin,except for one thing,I was the stupid one,I got married and still is.
And my hair is short.
If it has 2,4 or no legs,it is welcome,my skunk is called Peppy.Le Poo,after a famous cartoon character.
So,I saw skunk-I had to see.
I thoroughly enjoyed the story,I like animal stories.
This is well written.Just one small thing:space the ???.....why ? and so forth,someone gave me that tip,
No charge,now you have it (The comment )
Regards,
RICH,j2rr
South Africa.
Hi,
First the worst....some told me,' look at the spacing when using certain items.'
Here I suggest you look at ...Poof! or Poof ! ....humble ?.
Nitpicky.........
Good....cheecky little appy.Teaching the teacher.
Regards,
RICH,j2rr
Hi,
At last,a bit of serious writing.I am so saddened by years of tears and other stories of pain and bad people.
Thanks for a smile.
Cry,and you cry alone,
Laugh,and others will laugh with you,
But smile,and they wonder what you've been up to.
Regards,
RICH,j2rr
ps.I breed dogs,and am animal mad and farm.So animals are tops.
Hi,
A review:Revision with a view to improve.
Editing first:All the errors or type errors were in the first quater of the story.
Reread,3 type errors.
...buy one for me/us.....What would he want with a dress.jk
Suggest:...having coffee....(no a)
I enjoyed the story,amusing and almost real.
The aim is to feel you have done a great job,
also to entertain the reader.
I am going to rate the story only,next time,I will rate method,as well.
Regards,
RICH,j2rr
Hi,
A pretty sad story.
I do edit.Editing is when someone messes with your work.
The aim is,by writing,correcting or selecting the matter-to improve your story.
Normally,you can edit quite a lot of your work,by simply rereading.
When you have finished a piece,take a break,time will teach you how long you need.
Then read your work,preferably,aloud.The errors,flow,balance of the story,might improve.
ie:"on the car,s wheels."-How is that possible,stuck under the car,hooked on something,but not as it is.
Punctuation:Reread,short a comma or two-or else,change your sentences. Sentence structuring is very important.ie:'..like twins,we were close enough.......'
Nobody likes editors,so edit as much as you can yourself.
It is a nice story,on the story alone,I am going to rate.
Regards,
RICH,j2rr
Hi,
History is written mainly by the victors,not all of it though.
What did I say,poetry,I do not know well,if at all.
So,I must let my senses tell,did I understand it,
does it make sense,has it meaning.
A lot of poetry makes no sense to me,as it is many times,
so personal,that only the writer knows the message.
This I understand,wars have heroes on all sides,
whether in a just cause or not,they served well.
Regards,
RICH,j2rr
Hi,
As I do not know the style of poetry,or it's laws,I am busy reading poetry.
To date,all I see is,anything goes.
This is from a poem by an American poet,Walter Rindler.1971
'Life...without love is like
spring without rain
love without giving is like
rain without clouds
for
life
love
giving...are as one'
Six verses,with the main theme,in each case different.
faith,knowledge,dicovery,freedom,and the last verse;
"Universe...without life is like'
I do share your sentiment on your 'theme words',
your expression is quite plain to me.
Looks good to me,but then I know nothing about poetry,
only what looks good to me.
Regards,
RICH,j2rr
Hi,
Before I start.I too,am still a 'newbie',battling with my mind. To do,what I know I can do.I tend to edit/review.Some write,I read.
Comments:....outdid---one word....one and the same.
I read the sentence,I frown.....didn't waste time in brewing......maybe--time.She brewed....
Commas,a few short.Do reread your work slow and aloud,if possible.
That will show most of the flow,tempo,all items that may need attention.
I do support Harley and the 'school' in spirit.
Enjoy your writing.
Review:As I share your sentiment,what must I say......Good work,carry on,both of you.
Regards,
RICH,j2rr
At this stage,I would like you to reread your work,................or read my comments.
From the beginning;
... until that...killed myself rather than if I left...excited about/before...somebody else
paper-cut.Was this some...I'll be grown
Commas;still need a few.
shorter setences sometime;...cheek.I raised ....wrist.At this...
Normally,I do not change a story.Suggestion,
...turned on the clock-radio,the time was 4:47....ending...looked at my clock-radio,the time was 4:47. What do you think?
Editing:To prepare as a book by writing,correcting or selecting the matter.
Revision:Revision,with a view to improvement.
A good story,the rating is for your story,not the method.Next time I will consider your method.
Please,reread,look at basics,comma,sentence profile......improve on impact by adv/adj.
Regards,
RICH,j2rr
Hi,
A review.:revision,with a view to improvement.
An excercise for you.This what you can expect.
Comma placement:(in order)
...evening,when...belt,...rubber,...wander,...mind,...tread,...words,...reason,...radio,...station,...word,...body,...
coming,...bed,...sentences,...chair,
Spelling:pieces
Tense:came to an end,
Word change:normal/usual shower.
Drop:...words coming,I felt....(than-out)
If you can,print your writing,add changes,then read.See if you agree.
If anything is not clear,please contact.
The actual story.......so much like my own,
only I walk behind a herd of cows,inspirational.
Words,ideas,thoughts rushing in.When I get home,sit down and ...........gone!!!!
Regards
RICH,j2rr
I am rating the story,not the minor items.
Hi,
About love,I understand,possibly,less than you.
One day,you will know.......
Did he go or stay......
Pay,maybe he did.
Confusion,that is here to stay.
Please......line 2,4,8......remove the'but'
line 6.............remove the'and'
I am sure you will agree,that would look nicer.
Poetry is like a dressed lady.
The top,middle,bottom parts can all differ,
in total they must match.
Regards,
RICH,j2rr
Hi,
Day off.I purposely left this for last.
Reread,reread.I did not emphazise this before,now I have to.
Were you in a hurry?Basic mistakes.Typing,spacing,spelling,capital.
Reread,and you will find them.6 I found.
.Love has it's own way,for us mere mortals,follow and obey.Good poem. Regards,
RICH,j2rr
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