First impressions: I would say, if you're using this as a catalyst for a novel, you might have something worthwhile here. The potential is definitely there.
Technical issues: Given that you specifically mentioned that you really just wrote down something of an idea for a novel, I won't get too much into the technical issues. Just make sure to proofread before you post anything. I generally like to wait a couple days after I've finished what I wrote, maybe write something else, or at least read something else, and then come back to it. That way, it's not so fresh in my mind that what I want to be there isn't accidentally taking the place of what's actually there. That, and don't be afraid of punctuation. Commas are friends, not food...wait that's not right...(Lame joke, I know. Alright moving on.)
And now, on to the content!!: 
I don't know where any of them went and neither does any other scientist in this world ~ This, obviously, leaves the impression that we're reading the account of a scientist. But, that impression pretty much dies there. Scientists and historians speak about their particular area of study with expertise. I don't get that here. If the character is intended to be a scientist, there needs to be evidence of it in the way he narrates about the disappearance of the stars. If it's not critical to the story, maybe he could just be someone curious about Earth's past, and he enjoys studying the subject.
It worries me sometimes how we can lose a whole part of our culture but then, the old humans did it all the time. ~ I feel like I should be expecting an example here. If this character is writing to an audience in his own time, it seems like they're going to need some proof to back up this claim.
I really like how the rest of this paragraph goes on to highlight the differences between the cultures. If you're going to move on to putting this in a book, I would definitely like to see you expand on that separation between the two. Show me just how stark the differences so the similarities can be all that more impactful.
I don't know what any of those words mean but it must have meant a lot to the old humans because they had millions of books written about them. ~ The statement of not knowing what any of these words mean, for someone who has studied about them, doesn't work. If this character is studying the books that have been written about space and the various stellar bodies, he would be able to easily understand the references. Even if, for some unexplained reason, none of the millions of pictures survived, there are several books that go into great detail about their appearance. You could say something to the effect of 'These words have no depth of meaning.' But to say they're not understandable doesn't fit with the character.
...the lights in the sky are called stars. I don't call them that despite that knowledge. ~ Personally, I don't think that someone who made it a common practice to study the stars would have a problem calling them that, but that's your call. However, I see a major problem with this statement, in the fact that immediately after it, every time the stars are referenced, they're called stars. If you're going to make a claim like this, stick to it. If you don't want to write out "lights in the sky" each time, maybe just cut it down to "lights"
my mind was confused by the idea that a day could be any brighter than it is in the world here. ~ By this point, with this character, I'm feeling that the assumption that this character is either a scientist or a historian is way off. This is where science fiction sometimes gets tricky. Yes, your character may be writing to people in his/her own world who don't need that to be elaborated on, but in reality, people in this world are the ones reading it. Being "confused" by the day being different than it had before will, in fact, confuse your reader. Our days change all the time. Does this version of Earth not have temperature fluctuations? Does whatever source of light they have always put off the same amount of light and heat? Is it always the same distance away from Earth? I'm assuming the sun is gone, too, since every other star vanished? If not, you absolutely will need to go in depth there later in the story. If the days there are always 100% identical, tell us.
Those are the exact words used in every account of that night. ~ Absolute statements are dangerous. Using "every account" says that not one single person who recorded what they observed that night used any different words, at all. This isn't realistic given our world. You could say "almost every account" or "that type of wording is used in every account" but he first thing I thought when I read that statement was either your character only read one or two accounts, or everyone who witnessed the stars falling became robots when recalling what happened.
He usually says this, however, when he's trying to convince us that the almighty God has a say in everything. ~ I, actually do have one technical matter to point out here, if you're referring to the Christian God (which I assume is the case given that it's implying a Catholic priest is the one mentioned here) then Almighty should be capitalized, as well. In the realm of content, again, if this is a Catholic priest, saying that he tries to convince them that God has "a say in everything" doesn't fit. Christians believe that God is sovereign. Ultimately, He has control of everything. I don't know any ministers of any kind who would try to convince someone that God only has "a" say in things.
I know it seems like a lot of picking, and I don't mean to come across as being a big ol' jerk, but I wanted to do a bit more in-depth review than you may generally get. Books are a lot of work, and the more information you have, the better. Let me know when you get more written. I'm interested.
God bless you! |
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| (3.5)
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