This review is being given on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers
All right, so I'm going to try to take this on as a review. This is the longest piece I've ever reviewed, so it's likely to be the longest review I've ever given.
Please bear with me.
On with the review!
First Impressions:
I enjoyed the story, itself. I'm a big fan of fantasy and science fiction styles. Beyond that, the plot of the story is well done. Good job, in that regard.
Post-review note: What did I think to tell you after I finished my review, that I wanted you to know before you read further? I found a fairly large number of issues with this piece. So, let me qualify everything you're about to encounter by repeating what you just read above. I really did enjoy your story. I don't enjoy harping on the negative aspects of a piece. However, I find that I grow the most as a writer when people highlight my flaws far moreso than when they highlight my successes. That being the case, please take the seemingly negative comments that follow in light of my desire for all the writers I review to become better at their craft.
Rating Issues: PLEASE PAY ATTENTION!!
You have this listed as an ASR rating. Normally, I would say that's an appropriate rating. However, the presence of stronger language changes that. Think of the ratings on here like movie ratings. E is for everyone, so is a G rated movie. PG is for parental guidance, so is ASR. The presence of an F-bomb would, immediately, put any movie into a minimum of a PG-13 rating. Similarly, that one word, by itself, places this into at least a 13+ category.
Technical Issues: I did spot several issues that fall into the technical category. Most of them are repeat problems, so I haven't quoted each occurrence. I explain each of the problems after the quotes I do have.
it's vs its - Okay, this one traps a lot of authors, because the rule is unique to the word "it". If you write "it's" then you're writing "it is". If you want it to be possessive, then you need to write "its". Any other time you make a noun or pronoun possessive, then it would be written with an apostrophe.
You wrote 'Sounds like a plan' Harold smiled at his friend's cynicism - Problem #1, repeat issue - Use of wrong quotation marks. Basically it comes down to this. When writing a direct quote, as with most dialogue in literature, you should be using double quotation marks (" ") rather than single (' '). Single ones are for, most often, paraphrasing.
Problem #2, repeat issue - Placement of periods. This one is pretty basic. If the quote the character is speaking is a complete sentence, you end it with the appropriate punctuation (. ? !) even if it comes in the middle of the surrounding sentence.
You wrote (3 examples) Halfway between the dragons and the giants Harold stopped, he drew his sword from it's sheath and held it's pommel to the sky, the ruby mounted there glittered in the sun, then he stabbed it into the earth in front of him and stood back with arms crossed, clearly unwilling to move forward another step.
For a moment silence reigned, the wind stirred the grass around them, a vulture wheeled overhead, and then a command issued from the line of giants
The row of men contrasted marvellously against the dragon riders, each golem pilot being short and swarthy rather than tall and fair, and each man wearing a long robe of intricate patterns rather than the tight riding-leathers of the hill-men. -
Problem #1, repeat issue. Run-on sentences. You have quite a few of these throughout your story. My suggestion would be to go back through and look carefully for anything that is a complete idea, and make that a sentence by itself. If there's additional information surrounding it, ask yourself if that makes up another complete thought (if so, it's another sentence), if you need to add something to make it one (another complete sentence) or if it should stay with the previous sentence. Try for as many sentences as possible, at first. As you get used to it, you can stretch some out, a bit more.
Problem #2, repeat issue. Punctuation. Again, this is fairly common in this piece. There are quite a few places where a comma or semicolon should be inserted. (For simplicity sake, ignore the semicolon, for now.) A few simple rules for when to use a comma are: Any time you would hear a natural pause in a sentence - any time you're splitting up list items - any time you're addressing someone (e.g. "How's it going, Stan?"). There are other times where one should be used. However, stick with these three, at the beginning.
Problem #3. Typo "marvellously" is incorrect. It should be "marvelously"
You wrote the armour i wear now - Capitalize the I
You wrote 'Ill kill you!' Harold said, - Should be "I'll kill you!"
Content Issues:
I didn't do a word count, so I'm just going to utilize the one you provided. Your story consists of 5,000 words. That comes out to approximately 2 1/2 chapters in the average fantasy novel. In that period you use detritus, cynicism, trepidation, implausibility, diatribe, stratagem, reticent, stoically, precipitous, interminable and miasma. I am impressed with your ability to use so many complex words in a relatively short span of writing. I commend your vocabulary. However, that's 11 words that the average reader isn't likely to know without having to, at least, break their concentration on the story to use the context to figure out the meaning. Even worse would be if they felt the need to look up some of the words. Worse, still, would be if they move on without knowing the definition of the word, at all. All of these are likely to happen.
Keep in mind that you're not writing to other writers. You're writing to readers, and you want to keep them engaged. By all means, use larger vocabulary, but make sure it's necessary, and the meaning is clear.
You wrote - The sky above is cloudless but a wedge of blurry shapes is coming into view, flying from the direction of the mountains, greater than any bird, vast scaly wings in every colour of the rainbow, long serpentine bodies writhing sinuously through the wind, gleaming talons capable of tearing a deer to shreds in an instant glistening with natural oils. - Technical problems aside (I already covered them), I used this an example of an issue with the tenses you're using. You've mixed past and present tense in one story. True, the only time you use present tense is when you're describing the upcoming scene. However, that style of narration only works if there isn't any mixing later on. (Theatrical plays often use present tense narration.) Try making your narrative all past tense. Modern readers are far more accustomed to it.
You wrote 'Can't afford to be you mean.' - This example of missing commas caught me pretty quickly. I had to go back and read it a few times to make sure I know what you meant. At first, I thought you just had words in the wrong place and you meant "You can't afford to be mean.".
You wrote 'We have located their mother. If she can be destroyed before she births another queen this threat can be ended before it begins.
'So we'll air drop you right into the queen's lap' - You refer to the progenitor of these creatures as a mother, at first. But, it's the only time. When I read this, I thought "Okay so there's some alpha creature who creates queens. Fair enough." But then you started talking about the queen already being there. I was taken aback.
You wrote 'F*** you! Lets have it out right now then! - The problem I have here, more than anything, is that this is meant to be a high fantasy story. We have creatures and professions that will never exist in this world, a culture totally foreign to anyone living on this planet, and a seemingly highly educated nobleman using the most basic of offensive terms in modern day Earth culture. it doesn't fit with the character or the story.
You wrote ...the iron giants were lifted off... - Inadvertent movie reference. "The Iron Giant" is going to bring thoughts to someone's mind that has nothing to do with your story. Plus, this is the only time you refer to them as being iron. If you want to stick with iron, use a word other than giants, if you're staying with giants, don't use iron.
You wrote Harold sat atop his great red dragon bow in hand Another stand-out example of commas being needed. When I first read this, I thought you were saying he was sitting on his bow.
tarrasque - Unless I'm mistaken, this is a creature unique to pen and paper gaming circles. While you are likely to have a higher percentage of these people reading fantasy stories than most other genres, (sci-fi, potentially, being the exception) don't count on everyone who looks into your story to know what that creature is. And, for that matter, don't count on everyone who reads it and has played pen and paper games to know about this creature. I fall into the latter category, myself. I had to look it up, detracting from the flow of the story.
ammit - So Ammit is an ancient Egyptian goddess. While this does, technically, qualify as a mythical creature, you describe, in the story, as if it's another species of creature. Beyond that, this is another example of the average reader not knowing what you're talking about.
Overall:
Again, let me state that I did enjoy your story. However, your writing style does need some work. I would make a very strong suggestion that you try to find a writing group in your area. They can be immensely helpful. (C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien were both in the same writing group.)
Go over this piece with a careful eye and a fine-toothed comb. There's a good amount of improving to be done. The good thing about that is, you're in the right spot to get it.
Keep writing!
God bless you!
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