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Printed from https://p15.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dchabino
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7 Public Reviews Given
151 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try and give both the positives and negatives. I try very hard to offer some sort of suggestion, bearing in mind that I am certainly not always correct. I will do my best to be honest, forthcoming, and fair.
I'm good at...
I enjoy reviewing poetry, and occasionally a short story. However, I might not be your best choice for catching small errors, such as typos. I do think I can nearly always give you a few thoughts on potential improvements for a poem. Please note that I am unlikely to be able to review longer items most of the time.
Public Reviews
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Review by Elwood∞
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really like the way you chose this form to tell your story and give your message. I think a poem is a great way to do it. You have a powerful message here, and it reads through very well.

The only issue I would have with it is that it could be even more powerful with more descriptiveness of the five senses. When people hear of bruises and needles in an arm, it immediately invokes images in our minds that are emotionally charged. However, what is does not invoke is your specific emotions and feelings. We all relate to images differently, and in order to relate to your message and story the same way you imagine, a description of different sensations makes those who might not have the same experiences be able to have a little better understanding, IMHO.

Don't get me wrong. You have some good concrete images here. I just think they could be even more concrete and relatable with the telling of tastes, sounds, smells, and physical sensations experienced.

I hope this is helpful to you. I really like the poem.
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Review of Red  
Review by Elwood∞
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nice description of a color, and a great exercise in writing! I love the way you used more than just one of the five senses to describe what you were writing. No sure if this was for a prompt or contest or just because, but if it was for a contest, I would hope that it fairs well. Colors are difficult to describe sometimes. I think you touched on most of what conjures the color for most of us.

Seems like I remember writing about the color red many years ago, but I can't remember exactly what I wrote. I like your writing, though, probably better than mine.
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Review by Elwood∞
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I really like this poem. When you describe it as "all over the place", at first it really seems so, but then as I read your core message, it didn't seem so all over the place. It seemed much more succinct. I really like how you scatter the thoughts only to bring them to a fine point, and you've done so masterfully. It was a great read!

The only reason I did not rate this poem higher is that, while this poem is very descriptive and provides lots of metaphors to which many can relate, it does not address but ultimately only one of the five senses. Sight. It is just my humble opinion, but a poem that does the best job of pulling em in and making me see just what the author intended is one that addresses multiple senses (not necessarily all five) in order to allow me to better relate to the metaphors.
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Review of Adequacy  
Review by Elwood∞
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is simply my own humble opinion, but I believe strongly in imagery and the five senses within a poem. If a poem is mostly abstract (i.e., containing lots of references to things like voices, thoughts, etc.) then it becomes more difficult for the reader to relate. It's only because everyone conjures different images for the same concepts. For example, if I use a word like "courage" your mind will immediately conjure some sort of image that is most likely completely different from the one I imagine. however, if you describe the image you intend, I can relate to it. And, it is most relatable when describing the five senses. If you describe your thoughts through metaphors and similes with strong suggestion of the senses, I can follow with much greater precision to the messages and ideas you wish to convey.

Your poem seems to have some great ideas to it, but would be very powerful with a number of metaphors rather than abstract thought.

As I said, this is my own humble opinion. This isn;t a bad poem. I just found it very difficult to relate. it didn't provoke any images within my mind to move me.
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